Short funny jokes-Whiskey diet

I'm on a whiskey diet.
I've lost three days already.

Valentine's Day joke-No sound

On their first date on Valentine's Day, Harry and Gina sat in the darkened cinema waiting for the film to start. The screen finally lit up with a flashy advertisement for the cinema’s concession stand. Harry and Gina realized that there was no sound. The film began but the silence continued.

Suddenly, out of the darkness, an irritated voice in the crowd loudly shouted, "Okay, who's got the remote control?"

Valentine's Day joke-Strict attention

If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

Hilarious jokes-Angry Birds application

A man in Maryland says a flashlight on his iPhone helped save his life after he got lost during a hike. If you think that's cool, this morning the "Angry Birds" app on my iPhone helped save me from three awkward conversations in the elevator.

Clean jokes-Two brothers

Two brothers, Rob and Bob, found themselves a job on a ship.
Rob had really large eyes and Bob had huge ears.

The captain of the ship asked them, "What can you do?"

"Well, I can be a lookout," said Rob, the fellow with the large eyes.

"What will he do?" asked the captain.

"Well, he's my brother, Can't leave him alone. He'll come with me." replied Rob

The captain agreed and said, "All right you can be lookout and take him with you to the crow's nest and keep him out of my face!"

They had been at sea for a fortnight when the whistle from the crow's nest sounded in the wheelhouse!
"Ship bearing port 10."

The captain looked at the radar, not an echo on the scope. "Are you sure?" he asked.

"Positive," replied Rob, "and what's more, its Chinese."

"How do you know that?" the captain asked.

Rob replied, "My brother Bob can hear them talking!"

Really funny jokes-Confronted

Two deliverymen were taking a large refrigerator to a local priest's home. With difficulty they had managed to get the fridge onto the porch, but struggled for over 20 minutes to make the 90-degree turn through the narrow door.

The priest, seeing their difficulty, asked what they usually did when confronted with such a situation.

Rubbing some badly skinned knuckles, one deliveryman replied, "Well, Father, at this point we usually start cursing."

"Well, gentlemen," the priest replied, "allow me time to move out of earshot so you can continue your work."

Funny jokes-Reasons for Divorce

Reasons for Divorce

A man in Tarritville, Connecticut, filed for divorce because his wife left him a note on the refrigerator that read: "I have gone to the bridge club. There'll be a recipe for your dinner at 7 o'clock on Channel 2."

A deaf man in Bennettsville, South Carolina filed for divorce because his wife "was always nagging him in sign language."

A woman in Canon City, Colorado, divorced her husband because he forced her to "duck under the dashboard whenever they drove past his girlfriend's house."

A woman in Hardwick, Georgia, divorced her husband on the grounds that he "stayed home too much and was much too affectionate."

A man in Hazard, Kentucky, divorced his wife because she "beat him whenever he removed onions from his hamburger without asking for permission."

Short funny jokes-Old divorced couple

A 93-year-old man filed for divorce from his 90-year-old wife, making them one of the world's oldest divorced couple. 

The divorce lawyer found it strange fighting for the couple's kids to get custody of the old couple.

Kids jokes-Turn seven

I asked my neighbor's kid when he would turn seven.

Pat came the reply, "When I'm tired of being six."

Really funny jokes-Crime scene

Two cops rush to a crime scene behind a grocery store. The homicide detective is already there.

"What happened?" asks the first cop.

"Male, about thirty, covered in Raisin Bran and dead as a doornail."

"Oh my God," says the second officer. "Didn't we have one covered in Frosted Flakes yesterday? And Captain Crunch last week?"

"You're right. I'm afraid," said the detective as he took a drag from his cigarette, "this is the work of a cereal killer."

Clean jokes-The things that drive a sane person mad

The Things That Drive A Sane Person Mad

* You have to try on a pair of sunglasses with that stupid little plastic thing in the middle of them.

* The person behind you in the supermarket runs his cart into the back of your ankle.

* The elevator stops on every floor and nobody gets on.

* There's always a car riding your tail when you're slowing down to find an address.

* You open a can of soup and the lid falls in.

* There's a dog in the neighborhood that barks at EVERYTHING.

* You can never put anything back in a box the way it came.

* Your tire gauge lets out half the air while you're trying to get a reading.

* A station comes in brilliantly when you're standing near the radio but buzzes, drifts and spits every time you move away.

* There are always one or two ice cubes that won't pop out of the tray.

* You wash a garment with a tissue in the pocket and your entire laundry comes out covered with lint.

* The car behind you blasts its horn because you let a pedestrian finish crossing.

* A piece of foil candy wrapper makes electrical contact with your filling (or braces).

* You set the alarm on your digital clock for 6 pm instead of 6 am.

* The radio station doesn't tell you who sang that song.

* You rub on hand cream and can't turn the bathroom doorknob to get out.

* People behind you on a supermarket line dash ahead of you to a counter just opening up.

* Your glasses slide off your ears when you perspire.

* You can't look up the correct spelling of a word in the dictionary because you don't know how to spell it.

* You have to inform five different sales people in the same store that you're just browsing.

* You had that pen in your hand only a second ago and now you can't find it.

* You reach under the table to pick something off the floor and smash your head on the way up.

Good jokes-Wife's opinion

When a married man says, 'I'll think about it'.....

What he really means is that he doesn't know his wife's opinion yet.

Halloween Lessons from the Movie Theater

Halloween Lessons from the Movie Theater, in the order of drastic consequences. Please follow them!

17. When it appears that you have killed the monster, never check to see if it’s really dead.

16. If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes, increasing hairiness, and so on, get away from them as fast as possible.

15. Do not search the basement, especially if the power has just gone out.

14. Beware of strangers bearing tools such as chainsaws, staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, combines, lawnmowers, butane torches, soldering irons, band saws, or any device made from deceased companions.

13. If appliances start operating by themselves, move out.

12. Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Nilbog, the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine.

11. If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they should not know or if they speak to you using a voice which is other than their own, shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run. NOTE: It will probably take several hundred rounds to kill them, so be prepared!

10. If you’re running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at least twice, more if you are of the female persuasion. Also note that, despite the fact that you are running and the monster is merely shambling along, it’s still moving fast enough to catch up with you.

9. When you have the benefit of numbers, never pair off and go it alone.

8. Do not take anything from the dead.

7. As a general rule, don’t solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.

6. Don’t fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you’re sure you know what you are doing.

5. Never stand in, on, above, below, beside, or anywhere near a grave, tomb, crypt, mausoleum, or other house of the dead.

4. Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.

3. If your car runs out of gas at night, do not go to the nearby deserted-looking house to phone for help.

2. If you’re searching for something which caused a noise and find out that it’s just the cat, leave the room immediately if you value your life.

1. If you find a town which looks deserted, it’s probably for a reason. Take the hint and stay away!

A husband

Ken, joking to his friend over a round of drinks, "Do you know why every woman needs a husband?"

Bud, "Why?"

Ken, "After all you can’t blame the government for every mistake."

Really funny jokes-Growing up

Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions.

"How old are you?"
"I'm four and a half!" You're never thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going on five! That's the key.

You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.

"How old are you?" "
I'm gonna be 16!" You could be 13, but hey, you're gonna be 16! And then the greatest day of your life . . You become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony . . YOU BECOME 21. YESSSS!!!

But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk! He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There's no fun now, you're just a sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed.

You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40. Whoa! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50.

And your dreams are gone.
But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn't think you would.

So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60.

You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday.

You get into your 80's and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30; you REACH bedtime. And it doesn't end there. Into the 90's, you start going backwards; "I Was JUST 92."

Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. "I'm 100 and a half!"

May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!

Office jokes-Corporate Structure

Corporate Structure

Chairman Of The Board - Leaps tall buildings in a single bound. Is more powerful than a speeding locomotive; faster than a speeding bullet. Walks on water. Gives policy to God.

President - Leaps short buildings in a single bound. Is more powerful than a switch engine; just as fast as a speeding bullet. Walks on water when the water is calm. Talks with God.

Executive Vice-President - Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds. Is almost as powerful as a switch engine; not quite as fast as a speeding bullet. Walks on water in an indoor swimming pool. Talks to God if special request is granted.

Vice President - Barely clears a quonset hut. Loses tug of war with locomotive. Can fire a speeding bullet. Swims well. Is occasionally addressed by God.

General Manager - Makes high marks on the wall when trying to leap buildings. Is run over by a locomotive. Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury. Dog paddles. Talks to animals.

Manager - Runs into buildings. Recognizes locomotive two out of three times. Is not issued ammunition. Can't stay afloat with a life preserver. Talks to walls.

Trainee - Falls over doorsteps when trying to enter buildings. Says, "Look at the choo-choo." Wets self with a water pistol. Plays in mud puddles. Mumbles to self.

Secretary - Lifts buildings and walks under them. Kicks locomotives off the tracks. Catches speeding bullets in her teeth and eats them. Freezes water with single glance. She IS God.

Funny jokes-Tiresome

A Russian laborer was given a task to paint a white line right through the middle of the road. On the very first day he managed to paint three kilometers of the road. His employer was happy with him. The next day he could paint only three hundred meters. The boss thought the man was probably tired from the first day’s hard work and let it go. The third day he painted only thirty meters. Now the boss was anxious and demanded an explanation.

The Russian said: “It’s no mystery, boss. It’s getting quite tiresome to walk all the way back to the paint bucket.”

Really funny jokes-Legible

My grandpa was an English professor, and he would often help students by writing little notes on their essays.

Grandpa used to work late, and his handwriting would deteriorate as the hours passed by.

One day, a student approached him after class with an essay that had been returned. "Mr. Asher," he said, "I can't make out this comment you wrote on my paper."

Grandpa took the paper and, after studying it, sheepishly replied, "It mentions that you should write more legibly."

Diary of a Cat

Jan 30 - Day 68 of my confinement

These humans enjoy irritating me with strange little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from clawing the furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another house plant.

Today my attempt to kill the humans by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded. Maybe I should try this at the top of the stairs.

In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile tormentors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair. I must try this on their bed.

Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body in an attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little kitty cat I was. This is not working according to plan.

There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary confinement throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the food. More important, I overheard that my confinement was due to my powers of inducing something called "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit.

The bird, on the other hand, has got to be an informant. He speaks with them regularly, and I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room, his safety is assured. But I can wait.

It's only a matter of time.

Finance jokes-Tax

Sarcastic Tax jokes

1. What is the difference between the short income tax forms and the long ones?

 Easy, if you use the short form, the government takes your money. If you use the long form, your accountant gets your money.

2. A penalty is a tax for doing something wrong. A tax is a penalty for doing something right.

3. The avoidance of taxes is the only intellectual pursuit that carries any reward.

Signs you Smoke too much

Top 10 Signs you Smoke too much

10. In the middle of smoking a cigarette, you pause for a "cigarette break."

9. Your birthday is a state holiday in North Carolina.

8. Your title for the Surgeon General: "Captain Bringdown."

7. Cracking your knuckles leaves you winded.

6. Morning schedule: Wake up, cough for three hours, take nap.

5. In your neighborhood, they give directions by saying. "Go down to the big pile of cigarette butts...".

4. You get mattress fires more often than haircuts.

3. You smoke during making out.

2. You refer to nonsmokers as "pink-lunged sissy boys."

1. You explain to the nurse that you didn't realize you were in a "nonsmoking" iron lung.

Short funny jokes-Raw cookie dough

The USFDA (U.S. Food and Drug Administration warned people not to eat raw cookie dough last Christmas. Is that how fat we're getting in this country? Our ovens are too slow now?

Funny jokes-Baby pigeon

Dovey, the baby pigeon was nervous about flying long distance with its mother and grumbled, 'I don't think I can make it, it will be too tiring for me.'

Mama pigeon tried to pacify Dovey and said, 'You have nothing to worry about. I'll tie a piece of thread to one of your legs and the other end to mine.'

On hearing this, Dovey began to cry.

'Why are you crying baby?' asked the worried mother.

Dovey replied, 'You don't want me to be pigeon towed, do you?'

Hilarious jokes-If there were Computers in 1776

If there were Computers in 1776

Mr. Jefferson: Gentlemen, the summer grows hot, and it is essential that we complete this declaration of independence.

Mr. Franklin: Wait a minute, Thomas. I have to reboot here.

Mr. Jefferson: That's all right, Ben. We'll go on without you. Has everyone had a chance to look at the draft I posted yesterday?

Mr. Sherman: Not yet, Thomas, I've been having Notes replication problems.

Mr. Adams: Here, Roger, I brought a hard copy.

Mr. Sherman: Thanks. Saaaaay, nice font.

Mr. Adams: Do you like it? I downloaded it off Colonies Online just last week.

Mr. Jefferson: Gentlemen! There is work to be done. I fear our document will soon leak out.

Mr. Livingston: Too late, Thomas. There's already a bootleg circulating. I saw it posted on alt.georgeIII.stinks last night.

Mr. Franklin: @#$$%^$# General Protection Fault!

Mr. Adams: Ben, you might try upgrading to Windows 75. It solved that problem for me.

Mr. Sherman: Thomas, the part here about the Acts of Pretended Legislation; have you considered using bullets to air out the text?

Mr. Jefferson: I can fix that easily enough. Drat! I've spilled candle wax on my keyboard again.

Mr. Adams: You know, Thomas, that wouldn't happen if you'd buy an active-matrix screen.

Mr. Franklin: Hard-disk failure?!? Aw, criminy!

Mr. Livingston: Are you sure it's "unalienable rights"? My spell checker recommends "unassailable".

Mr. Jefferson: Can we stick to the substance of the document, please? Shoot. Low battery. Anyone got a spare power cable?

Mr. Sherman: What have you got, a Toshiba? No, mine isn't compatible.

Mr. Franklin: Hello, PCs Philadelphia? What does it mean when the floppy drive buzzes? OK, I'll hold.....

Mr. Livingston: The "In Congress" part here at the top; have you thought about blowing that up really big and maybe centering it in 72 point Helvetica?

Mr. Jefferson: Not a bad idea. Aw, nuts! Word macro virus! I can't save the file.

Mr. Franklin: That's all right, Thomas. We can manage. Here, borrow my quill pen....

Really funny jokes-After 15 years in Prison

Two women were sentenced to fifteen years in jail for their respective crimes. They shared the same cell. After completion of their sentence they were released on the same day.

After their exit, they bid good bye to each other and said: “OK, rest we will talk on phone.”

Funny jokes-Lazy manager

A lazy manager of a firm in his forties was advised by his doctor to play some sport, preferably tennis for some exercise. So he took up tennis. A month later his secretary asked: “Well sir, how is it going?”

Manager: "I am doing fine. On the court when I see a ball coming to me at speed, my brain instantly reacts and says: ‘To the net or smash or take the corner’ like that. I don’t believe it. "

Secretary: “Then what happens?”

Manager: “Then my body reacts and says ‘Who? Me? You must be joking.”

Really funny jokes-Welfare Applications

Welfare Applications

For those unfamiliar, Welfare payments are made in the US to individuals and families with income below a level. The following quotations are taken from actual letters received by the Welfare Department in applications for support of receiving payments.


* I am forwarding my marriage certificate and 6 children. I had seven but one died which was baptized on a half sheet of paper.

* I am writing the welfare department to say that my baby was born two years old. When do I get my money?

* Mrs. Jones has not had any clothes for two years and has been visited regularly by the clergy.

* I cannot get sick pay. I have six children can you tell me why?

* I am glad to report that my husband who is missing is dead.

* This is my eighth child. What are you going to do about it.

* Please find for if my husband is dead. The man I am now living with can't do anything until he knows.

* I am very much annoyed to find out that you have branded my son illiterate. This is a dirty lie as I was married a week before he was born.

* In answer to your letter, I have given birth to a son weighing 10 lbs. I hope this is satisfactory.

* I am forwarding my marriage certificate and my 3 children one of which is a mistake as you can see.

* My husband got his project cut off about two weeks ago and I haven't had any relief since.

* Unless I get my husband's money pretty soon, I will be forced to lead an immortal life.

* You have my changed little boy to a girl, will this make any difference?

* I have no children yet, as my husband is a truck driver and works night and day.

* I want money as quick as I can get it. I have been in bed with the doctor for two weeks and he doesn't do me any good. If things don't improve, I will have to send for another doctor.

* In accordance with your instructions, I have given birth to twins in the enclosed envelope.

Funny jokes-Official endorsement

On a pleasantly cold day a few friends gathered around a table to enjoy a few rounds of rum. After several pegs the discussion turned around to the existence of God. The group automatically parted in two - atheists and believers - and the arguments got fierce. Our friend William was a staunch atheist and insisted that God doesn’t exist. In a fit of drunken stupor, William wrote a letter to God, put it in an envelope and addressed it: “To, The God Almighty, Omnipresent.” and asked his opponent to post it. By next morning everything was forgotten.

Out of the blue, after a month the same letter was returned with remarks: “Address not found.”

He gathered the same group the same evening and proudly displayed the envelope: “Look, this is official now with government endorsement.”

Clean jokes-Toothache

Laura and Nancy were chatting at the coffee-shop.

Laura: "I had a toothache, so I went to the dentist this morning."

Nancy: "Does your tooth still hurt?"

Laura: "I have no idea - the dentist kept it."

Hilarious jokes-Submarine School

The new Ensign was trying to impress everybody with what he'd learned in Submarine School when the Master Chief cut him off.

"Listen, Sir, it's simple," he said. "Add the number of times we dive to the number of times we surface. Then divide by two. If it doesn't come out even, DON'T OPEN THE HATCH!"

Kids jokes-Candies for Valentine's Day

Four-year-old Joe loved candy almost as much as his mom Linda did. He, along with his Dad had given her a beautiful heart-shaped box of chocolates for Valentine's Day.

A few days later Joe was eyeing it, wishing to have a piece of it. As he reached out to touch one of the big pieces, his mom said to him, "If you touch it, then you have to eat it. Do you understand?"

"Oh, yes," he said, nodding his head. Suddenly his little hand patted the tops of all the pieces of candy. "Now I can eat them all."

Clean jokes-A dog's tale

Lawrence noticed this board on the gate of a house. “Talking dog for sale”

Intrigued, he knocked the door to inquire. The owner took Lawrence to the back of the house where a dog was casually sitting on the ground and left them alone.

Lawrence: “Is it true?”

Dog: “Sure.”

Lawrence: “So what’s behind all this? And why does he want to sell you?”

Dog: “I was born with this gift. My previous owner sold me to CBI and I helped them uncover biggest secrets because they let me loose on the job and nobody suspected that a dog could eves drop. But they made me travel a lot. So I left them and got myself employed with a minister who did not know my virtue. I discovered many scandals by this minister and informed the government. They gave me many awards for my services. I have aged now and finally I am leading a peaceful life with my family.”

Lawrence went back to the owner and asked the price. The owner said twelve dollars.

Lawrence paid the price without hesitation and asked: “This is a marvelous dog with amazing talent. Why do you want to get rid of him?”

Owner: “The SOB never speaks the truth, he always tells lies.”

Football jokes-Buffalo Bills

Q: What's the difference between the Buffalo Bills and a dollar bill?

A: You can still get four quarters out of a dollar.

Really funny jokes-The obvious choice

A few people died on a certain day which God had decided to celebrate and to give the celebration some legitimacy, He decided to call it His birthday. Among the dead, were a husband and wife who were considered an ideal pair and ‘made-for-each–other’ on earth. God made this announcement: “All ye mortals of earth, all are sinners so there is no place for you in heaven. However, today being my birth day, I will give you a little choice. Either you go to hell or you go back to earth for five more years. Each individual will make his or her choice. Please stand in queue. My assistant will take down your choice and do the needful.”

There was big queue. The couple stood together and the wife said: “Wow Mike, like on earth we will stick together and make the same choice and be happy for five more years, what bliss.”

Mike: “Sure honey, you stand here and I am right behind you.”

The first person opted for five years on earth and woooooosh vanished immediately. The line progressed and everybody made the obvious choice. After awhile it was the wife’s turn.

The Assistant asked: “Your choice?” The wife turned, looked at her husband with a twinkle in her eyes and replied “Five years on earth.” She vanished. Now it was Mike’s turn.

Assistant: “Your choice?”

Mike: “Hell and pronto.”

Short funny jokes-Franglais Phrases

Franglais (French and English) Phrases

Coup de grace - A lawn mower.
La deviation pour chauffeur de camion - My driver likes camels.

Moi aussi - I am an Australian.
Pas de deux? - Father of twins?
Mange tout - You're pretty mangy yourself.

Pain prune - I cut myself with the secateurs.
Chaussee deformer? - Are you a contortionist?

Parke le char - My tea is cold.
Suivez la piste - Never mind, follow that drunk!

You might be a Schoolteacher if

You might be a Schoolteacher if...

you have no time for a life from August to June.

you want to slap the next person who says, "Must be nice to work from 8 to 3 and have your summers free!"

when out in public you feel the urge to talk to strange children and correct their behavior.

you refer to adults as "boys and girls."

you encourage your spouse by telling them they are a "good helper."

you've ever had your profession slammed by someone who would never dream of doing your job.

meeting a child's parents instantly answers the question, "Why is this kid like this?"

you believe "extremely annoying" should have its own box on the report card.

you know hundred good reasons for being late.

you don't want children of your own because there isn't a name you can hear that wouldn't elevate your blood pressure.

One line jokes-When things go wrong

The nurse who can smile when things go wrong is probably going off duty.

Adult jokes-Impotency clinic

Q: Why does everyone want to work at the impotency clinic?

A: It's a soft job.

Funny jokes-Secret to good health

Brittany and Lisa were discussing their busy schedules.

Lisa said, "Brittany, I must ask you something. Every day I feel incredibly run down and tired. And yet, I see you looking as fresh as a rose. I have to know what's your secret?"

"My secret? Every morning, without fail, I wake up at six o'clock sharp."

"You wake up at six o'clock?"

"Yes, and then I look at the clock, see what time it is, and go back to sleep for another four hours."

Good jokes-Chemistry formula

Chemistry formula

Teacher : What happens when Carbon Monoxide reacts with 2 Molecules of Iron??

Student : COFFEE !!

Teacher : How ?

Student : CO + 2Fe = COFFEE !!

Clean jokes-Winning Knight Riders team

Q. What's the difference between a winning Kolkata Knight Riders team and a UFO?

A. Someone has seen a UFO.

Hilarious jokes-Two morons

Chris and Bob went fishing. The catch was impressive that day. Chris said: “Bob, mark X on the side of the boat so that we can spot the place tomorrow.”

Bob: “You crazy? Do you think you are going to get the same boat on hire tomorrow?”

Really funny jokes-Fighting fit

Two childhood friends were preparing themselves for physicals for induction in the US army. Both of them were unwilling to join the army but were helpless because of stringent US laws. Somebody suggested that if one didn’t have any teeth, they were rejected. They decided to give it a shot and got all their teeth removed.

There was a line of young aspirants when they arrived at the recruitment center. They both felt it would be unwise to stand in the queue next to each other. So one stood in the line and the other waited for the line to extend a bit when a bulky, young unwashed boy took the line. The other decided to stand next to the bulky boy.

When the first boy’s turn came, the doctor asked if he had anything to say regarding his health. The boy said he did not have any teeth. The doctor ordered the boy to open his mouth, ran his fingers around the kid’s gum and asked him to stand in the rejection queue.

The line progressed and ultimately it was the bulky boy’s turn. The doctor asked him: “Anything wrong with you?” The boy replied: “I have piles.”

The doctor asked the boy to undress. He then made the boy bend and spread. He inserted his finger inside, moved it around for a while as if to make sure, pulled back his finger and declared that the boy indeed had piles and announced him unfit.

The doctor declared "Next"

When the second toothless boy stepped up to the doctor, he was asked if he had anything to declare.

The boy shouted: “No sir, not a damn thing wrong with me. Give me that rifle and march me to the border.”

Short funny jokes-No evidence

Guess what the White House claims - that there is no evidence at all that earth has been visited by aliens.

Good lord, they can't even find aliens sneaking across the border.

Funny jokes-Superb answers to Why Aren't You Married Yet?

Superb answers to "Why Aren't You Married Yet?"

You haven't asked yet.

I was hoping to do something meaningful with my life.

Because I just love hearing this question.

Just lucky, I guess.

It gives my mother something to live for.

My fiance is awaiting his/her parole.

I'm still hoping for a shot at Miss/Mr. America.

Do you know how hard it is to get two tickets to Miss Saigon?

I'm waiting until I get to be your age.

It didn't seem worth a blood test.

I already have enough laundry to do, thank you.

Because I think it would take all the spontaneity out of dating.

My co-op board doesn't allow spouses.

I'd have to forfeit my billion dollar trust fund.

They just opened a great singles bar on my block.

I wouldn't want my parents to drop dead from sheer happiness.

I guess it just goes to prove that you can't trust those voodoo doll rituals.

What? And lose all the money I've invested in running personal ads?

I don't want to have to support another person on my paycheck.

Why aren't you thin?

I'm married to my career, although recently we have been considering a trial separation.

(Bonus reply for Single Mothers) Because having a husband and a child would be redundant.

Cricket joke-Pune Warriors fan

If you see a Pune Warriors fan on a motorcycle, why should you not swerve to hit him?

It could be your motorcycle.

Diet Plan

Tina : I am much at ease on the second day of my diet.

Rina : Is that becuase the body adapts to the diet plan by then?
 
Tina: No, it's because I would have given up by the next day.

Kids jokes-Ignore

Dad: “Son, a wise person never replies to a fool’s question, simply ignores it.”

Son: “Right dad, I went through the examination papers, ignored them and came out.”

Hilarious jokes-Speech disorder

Jeremy, a stud farm owner, is visited by a strange customer. It's a pygmy with a speech disorder who says he wants to buy a horse.

Jeremy asks the pygmy if he wants a male or female horse.

"A female horth," the pygmy replies.

So Jeremy shows him a female one.

"Nith looking horth, can I thee her mouth?"

So Jeremy picks up the pygmy and shows him the horse's mouth.

"Nith mouth. Can I thee her eyesth?"

So Jeremy picks up the pygmy and shows the eyes.

"Ok, what about her earth?"

Now Jeremy is getting really irritated, but he picks up the pygmy one more time and shows the ears.

"OK, finally, I'd like to thee her twat."

With that, Jeremy picks up the pygmy and shoves his head up the horse's canal then pulls him out.

Shaking his head, the pygmy says, "Perhapth I should rephrase. I'd like to thee her run!"

The most loved one

Guess who is the most loved one in their lives?

1. A Chinese man
There is a wife and a girlfriend in his life but he adores his wife the most.

2. An American man
There is a wife and a girlfriend in his life but he adores his girlfriend the most.

3. An Indian man
There is a wife and three girlfriends in his life but he adores his house-maid the most.