Hide!

Grandpa said to Little Tommy, "Isn't that your class teacher walking in through the gate? She must have come to inquire why you missed school today? Go and hide somewhere."

Little Tommy replied, "Grandpa, YOU hide! I called her and told her you died today."

The shoe salesman

The shoe salesman said to the difficult customer, "Madam, I have shown you all the pairs of shoes that are on display in this store but you don't seem to like anything. What is it that you are looking for?"

The lady, ignoring the salesman's question, pointed out to a box and said, "What is there in that box? You have not shown it to me yet."

The salesman replies, "Madam, please have mercy on me. That is my lunch box."

What do you want?

A man walked into a store.

The store owner asked him, "What do you want, Sir?'

The man replied, "I need optimism, toughness, the will to fight the evils of the world, the power to confront injustices."

The store owner replied, "Here you are sir, a bottle of premium whisky, and some chips to go with it."

How to check your weight

Leela saw her husband Arun step on the weighing machine, and she noticed he was trying to pull in his tummy.

She commented, "You know that's not going to do you any good."

Arun replied, "If course I need to do it. How else do you think I will be able to see the digits below?" 

Joke of the day-Sad

Anita went to her mother's home for a couple of weeks to look after her ailing mother, leaving behind her three year old in the care of her mother-in-law.

The day she reached her mother's home, she received an sms from her mother-in-law which read: "Please return soon. Son sad without you"

Anita messaged back to her mother-in-law: "Whose son? Yours or mine?"

A dying miser

Santa Singh the miser was on his death bed. He reached out for his wife's hand and asked, "Where are you?"

Santa's wife Preeto took his hand and replied, "I am right here, my dear."

Then Santa Singh said, "Where are my children?"

His sons held his hand and said "We are right here Daddy."

Santa Singh paused for a moment and then said, "Then why is the fan running in the other room?"

Barber joke-New salon

Jose had a haircut at a new salon that had opened in the neighborhood. When he stepped out, he met his friend Pedro. Pedro asked him, "How is this new joint?"

Jose replied, "Well, the haircut was okay but I did not appreciate the 4-letter word that the barber kept repeating during the haircut."

Pedro, now intrigued, asked, "What was that?"

Jose replied, "DARN!"

Knock Knock joke-Forty

Knock Knock!

Who's there?

Forty.

Forty who?

Forty please meet me at Martin's restaurant

Couple joke-Poison

As all married couples fight, there was this huge argument between Harold and Gina. Harold decided to give her the silent treatment and stopped talking altogether.

On the third day, Gina got fed up and said to her husband, "If you don't talk till the count of 10, I will consume poison."

She started counting, "1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8"

Harold was silent.

Gina said, "9!!"

Harold was still silent. 

 

Gina screamed, "Please say something!" and then she started sobbing.

Harold said, "Finish the counting."

Gina said with a smile, "Thank God you spoke, or else I would have really consumed the poison."

Santa's aspiration

God appears in front of Santa Singh of India and says, "Tell me son. What do you aspire for?"

Santa Singh says, "All I want is a job, a room full of cash, and respite from this heat."

"So be it!", says God.

Santa Singh is not employed as a security guard of a Bank's ATM.


Source: www.reallyshortfunnyjokes.net

Whose fault is it?

Pablo, David and Juan were all discussing the poor state of their local football team.

Pablo said, "The manager is responsible. If he had selected better players, we would have had a good team."

David commented, "It is the players' fault. Had they played better, we could have seen some more goals."

Juan exclaimed, "My parents are to be blamed! Had they given me birth in another town, I wud have been supporting a good club!"

Source: www.reallyshortfunnyjokes.net

Mood swing

Q: How do you get a ginger guy's mood to swing?

A: Wait for 15 seconds!

Source: www.reallyshortfunnyjokes.net

Hide money

Ana says to Phil, "Where do we keep our money? Our son has a bad habit of stealing money where ever I keep it - in the locker or the wardrobe or the bags. I am really concerned"

Phil replies, "The safest place would be his studybooks. He will never look there."

Source: www.reallyshortfunnyjokes.net

Helter-skelter

Jimmy was running helter-skelter in his uncle's house where he was spending his winter holidays. Despite many warnings, he continued to play inside the house and broke an ancient vase.

Uncle Andrew got very upset and screamed, "Do you have any idea how old that was? It was made in the eighteenth century.

"That's a relief!" exclaimed Jimmy, "almost thought it was brand new."

Source: www.reallyshortfunnyjokes.net

Burial ground

John is driving with his 5 year old son and they pass a burial ground. John glances at his son Tod and says, "Can you guess why they can't bury me here?"

Tod asks, "Why?"

John replies, "Cos I ain't dead yet!"

Source: www.reallyshortfunnyjokes.net

A matter of principles

When Robbie returned from school, his grandad asked, "What did they teach you in school today?"

"I don't know" replied Robbie, "but the teacher kept talking about principles. I didn't understand one word."

Grandad said, "That's not difficult to understand. I will tell you what it is. Say, I buy stuff at the supermarket, and the cashier gives me more change by mistake, my predicament would be whether to keep it
for myself or follow my principles and give it to Grandma."

Fussy customer

Mrs. Robbins, known to be extremely fussy, goes to D-Mart to buy some fresh fruits.

She says to the girl behind the counter, "I want three kilos of pears. Kindly wrap each pear separately in plastic.

The girl behind the counter silently fulfills the customer's demand.

The lady then checks some apples and says to the girl behind the counter, "I would also like to take 2 kilos of fresh apples. Please pack each apple separately in plastic."

Irritated, yet composed, the girl behind the counter obliges Mrs. Robbins again.

Mrs. Robbins, pointing her finger towards a basket inquires, "And what is there in that basket over that side?"

"Grapes", says the girl behind the counter, quickly adding, "but those are rotten!"

Music joke

Nathan gifted his son Johnny a guitar on his 16th birthday with vouchers for 5 free lessons.

When Johnny returned from his first lesson, Nathan asked him, "How did it go?"

Johnny replied, "I did learn a few notes on the G Major."

In the next week, after the second lesson, Johnny came home and said, "I did learn a few notes on the D string."

After a few days,Johnny came home very late smelling of alcohol and cigarettes.

So Nathan asked him, "What did you learn in today's lesson?"

Johnny replied, "I could not attend today's lesson. I had a gig!"

Disneyland

After our hectic 4-day trip to Disneyland in Orlando, we were headed home. As we drove away, my son Neel sighed and said, "Goodbye Donald!"

My daughter Neha waved her hand and said, "Goodbye Daisy!"

I signed and said, "Goodbye dollars!"

God's gifts

When I was tucking in my two little children to bed, I said that God had given us eyes so we could see the world. Then I touched my daughter Mary's ears and said that God gave us ears to hear. Touching little Jack's nose, I said that God gifted us nose to smell. Hands to work & eat, and legs to run.

Mary asked, "But Mom, God must have made a mistake with Jack bcoz his nose runs and his feet smell."