Hole in the heart

Jack invited Nicole on a date to celebrate V-day.

Nicole refused by saying, "Alex has already asked me out and I have said yes to him. You know he has a medical condition. With that hole in his heart, he has only a few days to live and I do not wish to disappoint the poor soul."

Jack fumed angrily and said, "That slimy snake! He is showing around the x-ray of his bum and asking all the girls out for a date!"

The importance of a husband

"Mom, I don't want to get married", said Ana to her mother. She continued, "Why is everyone interested in getting me married? Dad has been pestering me, Aunt Linda has broached the subject a dozen times. I am an independent woman and I do not need to be tied up with a man to spend the rest of my life. I am earning well, I am single and I am happy!"

Her mother tried to pacify her and said, "Darling, you are my most beautiful creation. You are young, ambitious and I am sure you will achieve a lot in your life. But even you will make mistakes in life like everyone else does. On such occasions, will you not need someone to blame? So please understand the importance of a husband."

Reciprocate

Tina asked her husband, "Why did you not attend the funeral of your friend's wife?"

Joe replied, "Because it is embarrassing. I have attended funerals of 2 of his wives and this is the death of his third wife, while I have never been able to reciprocate."

Marrying Grandma

Little Tommy says to his father, "Daddy, I want to get married soon."

His father asked, "Why is that?"

Little Tommy replied, "I don't know but I want to get married. If you don't find a bride for me, I will marry grandma."

His father was amused and asked, "But why will you marry my mother?"

Little Tommy replied, "If you married my mother, why can't I marry yours?"

The honeymoon offer

Elena went to see a travel agent and asked him, "Do you have any cheap honeymoon offers?"

The travel agent replied, "Of course, we have. 3 nights and 4 days in Zurich only for $1500 only."

Elena asked, "Anything cheaper than that?"

The travel agent said, "3 nights & 4 days in Bangkok for $1000 only."

Elena further asked, "Anything cheaper than that?"

The travel agent said, "2 nights & 3 days in Malaga for $750."

Elena, still not happy with the price, asked, "Anything cheaper?"

The travel agent replied, "Yes. 9 nights and 10 days in Paris, London and Rome. You will be booked in the honeymoon suite of the best 5 star hotels.Food, hotel stay, all travel expenses and sight seeing will be free."

Elena was excited and exclaimed, "Wow! What a super offer! What's the catch?"

The travel agent smiled and replied, "The husband will be provided by us!"

Meaning to my life

Ronald sent an SMS to his wife Martha, "I want to thank you today for making my life so beautiful and filling it with vivid colours. Whatever, I have achieved in life today is all because of your support. You give meaning to my life and make it worth living. You are the guiding force that keeps me going."

Martha texted back, "Is this the fifth or the sixth peg? If you are done with your drinking, please come home. Don't worry, I will not scream at you."

Ronald texted again, "I am standing outside. Please open the door."

Let the lady go!

Bob the thief had been eyeing the Evans mansion for quite some time. One day, he broke into the mansion and found a man and a woman inside. He tied up the lady and pointing a gun, hissed to the guy, "Take me to the electronic safe..NOW!"

The guy started crying and said to Bob, "Take what you want but please let the lady go. She is my neighbour's wife! Mine will walk into the house any time!"

No interest

Betty sued a medical center alleging that her husband showed on interest in her after having surgery at the clinic.

The owner of the medical center appeared in court and said, "I run an eye clinic. All I did was operate him for cataract!"

Happy neighbor

The inspector asked Jerry, "Your neighbor's wife is missing. So why have you come to file a missing person's complaint? Did you have an affair with her?"

Jerry replied, "No sir, I never had any affair with her. It's just that I am not able to stand my neighbor's happiness! It's been 4 days since his wife is missing, and he has been partying every night!"

The fight

Tom called the police helpline and said, "Hey! I am in urgent need of help."
The attendant asked, "Calm down and tell me what happened."
Tom replied, "There's a fight between two women. It's concerning me."
The attendant asked, "So what is the crisis?"
Tom replied, "The ugly one is taking the lead!"

What do you want?

A man walked into a store.

The store owner asked him, "What do you want, Sir?'

The man replied, "I need optimism, toughness, the will to fight the evils of the world, the power to confront injustices."

The store owner replied, "Here you are sir, a bottle of premium whisky, and some chips to go with it."

Boyfriend's birthday

Rita to Tina, "It's my boyfriend's birthday tomorrow."

Tina, "Cool. What are you giving him?"

Rita, "I was about to ask you that. What should I give him?"

Tina, "Is he rich?"

Rita, "Yes, he is."

Tina, "Then give him my number!"

Ten times

Peter said to his wife Claudia, "You will not believe what happened today! I bought an old lamp at the junkyard sale and guess what? I rubbed it and out came a genie!"

Claudia said excitedly, "Really?? Did you ask for anything?"

Peter replied, "Yes i did. I asked for your intelligence to be enhanced ten times."

Claudia said, "Oh! That's so sweet of you."

Peter retorted, "Yeah, but I forgot anything multiplied by zero remains zero."

To catch a wink

Roger shouted at his neighbour Rick, "Can you ask your dog to shut up. He has been barking non-stop since several hours. I have a severe headache from last night's drinking and trying hard to catch a wink."

Rick replied, "I am sure my dog will calm down as soon as you vacate his kennel."

Fever

Santa: Hey Banta, how did you get fever? Just last night, we were talking and you were absolutely fine. 

Banta: That's right, but last night, after having so many pegs, you spoke such nonsense that even a donkey would have got fever.

Santa (with a sly smile): Yes, I can see that!

Sardar jokes-Visiting card

Banta Singh said to Santa Singh, "Your visiting card read your qualification as BBA two months back. Now it is reading MBA. How did you get the degree of two years in two months?"

Santa Singh replied, "My wife has gone to visit her mother two months back during the summer vacations. So I got my visiting card printed as BBA (BOLD BACHELOR AGAIN!). Now that she has returned, my status is MBA (MARRIED BACK AGAIN)."

Comedy jokes-Old age

Sam asks his friend Fred, "What are the first signs of old age?"

Fred replies, "Wrinkles?"

Sam says, "No."

Fred says, "Hair loss?"

Sam says, "No."

Fred asks, "Medicines?"

Sam says, "No."

Fred asks, "Then what??"

Sam replies, "When your wife stops suspecting you!"

Funniest jokes-Husband's decision

Anita shouts angrily at her husband Phil, "I want you to decide what do you want in your life - Whatsapp or me?"

Phil replies calmly, "Certainly Whatsapp. If I must waste time, might as well do with everyone. Why should I do it only with you?"

A dying miser

Santa Singh the miser was on his death bed. He reached out for his wife's hand and asked, "Where are you?"

Santa's wife Preeto took his hand and replied, "I am right here, my dear."

Then Santa Singh said, "Where are my children?"

His sons held his hand and said "We are right here Daddy."

Santa Singh paused for a moment and then said, "Then why is the fan running in the other room?"

Beer joke-Technique to sell twice

Andre staggers into the bar, completely sloshed. He asks the bar attendant for a beer and says to him, "I can share a technique with you which will help you sell twice the amount of beer."

The bar attendant asks, "Wow, what is it?"

Andre replies, "Nothing complicated. You simply have to pour full glasses."