Single

Bubba went to a nice restaurant to have dinner. He had just started relishing the soup when a pretty young thing walked up to him and said, "Hey, are you single?"

Bubba could not believe his luck and somehow managed to blurt out, "Yes, yes."

So, she picked up the empty chair in front of him and walked away to her group of friends.

Discount on electronics

DMart was offering a big discount on some electronics. A refrigerator had a picture cut-out of a beautiful girl wearing a short skirt.

Bubba, who had come to the store with his wife to buy a refrigerator, was constantly staring at the picture of the girl. His wife hissed and said, "Let's go home Bubba. The offer is on the refrigerator only." 

The importance of a husband

"Mom, I don't want to get married", said Ana to her mother. She continued, "Why is everyone interested in getting me married? Dad has been pestering me, Aunt Linda has broached the subject a dozen times. I am an independent woman and I do not need to be tied up with a man to spend the rest of my life. I am earning well, I am single and I am happy!"

Her mother tried to pacify her and said, "Darling, you are my most beautiful creation. You are young, ambitious and I am sure you will achieve a lot in your life. But even you will make mistakes in life like everyone else does. On such occasions, will you not need someone to blame? So please understand the importance of a husband."

Reciprocate

Tina asked her husband, "Why did you not attend the funeral of your friend's wife?"

Joe replied, "Because it is embarrassing. I have attended funerals of 2 of his wives and this is the death of his third wife, while I have never been able to reciprocate."

Meaning to my life

Ronald sent an SMS to his wife Martha, "I want to thank you today for making my life so beautiful and filling it with vivid colours. Whatever, I have achieved in life today is all because of your support. You give meaning to my life and make it worth living. You are the guiding force that keeps me going."

Martha texted back, "Is this the fifth or the sixth peg? If you are done with your drinking, please come home. Don't worry, I will not scream at you."

Ronald texted again, "I am standing outside. Please open the door."

Husband's occupation

Sally met her niece Ana after a number of years.
Sally asked, "Did you marry?"
Ana replied, "Yes I did."
Sally asked, "What does your husband do?"
Ana replied, "He regrets!"

The fight

Tom called the police helpline and said, "Hey! I am in urgent need of help."
The attendant asked, "Calm down and tell me what happened."
Tom replied, "There's a fight between two women. It's concerning me."
The attendant asked, "So what is the crisis?"
Tom replied, "The ugly one is taking the lead!"

The shoe salesman

The shoe salesman said to the difficult customer, "Madam, I have shown you all the pairs of shoes that are on display in this store but you don't seem to like anything. What is it that you are looking for?"

The lady, ignoring the salesman's question, pointed out to a box and said, "What is there in that box? You have not shown it to me yet."

The salesman replies, "Madam, please have mercy on me. That is my lunch box."

Different positions

After being promised that she will make him experiment with different positions, Juan immediately proposed to Tina. 

Now, Juan is her hubby, her maid, her laundry guy, her cook and her electrician!

Santa's interview

Santa Singh decided to appear for an interview at the Railways for the position of a guard.

The interviewer asked him, "What will you do if you see 2 trains approaching each other on the same track?"

Santa Singh replied, "I will signal with a red flag."

The interviewer asked, "What if you can't find the flag?"

Santa Singh replied, "I will signal with a torch."

The interviewer asked, "What if you can't find the torch?"

Santa Singh replied, "I will signal with my red jacket."

The interviewer asked, "What if you are not wearing a red jacket on that day?"

Santa Singh replied, "Then I will ask my son to rush to the station?"

The interviewer asked, "Why would you do that??"

Santa Singh replied, "He has never seen two trains collide."

Weird dreams

Santa Singh said the the psychiatrist, "I get these weird dreams where I see kangaroos playing soccer."

The psychiatrist said, "Do not worry. I will prescribe you a few medicines. Just have them before going to bed."

Santa Singh said, "Ok, I will start taking the medicines from Sunday."

The psychiatrist asked, "Why not start today?"

Santa Singh replied, "Oh, the finals are on Saturday."

How to check your weight

Leela saw her husband Arun step on the weighing machine, and she noticed he was trying to pull in his tummy.

She commented, "You know that's not going to do you any good."

Arun replied, "If course I need to do it. How else do you think I will be able to see the digits below?" 

A different kind of motivation

A successful entrepreneur won a business award in the IT field and was asked by a reporter as to how he managed to motivate his workers to come to office on time.

The entrepreneur replied, "Oh, that' easy. I have 45 people working for me but only 44 parking lots without pay. I charge for the last lot. 

Ten times

Peter said to his wife Claudia, "You will not believe what happened today! I bought an old lamp at the junkyard sale and guess what? I rubbed it and out came a genie!"

Claudia said excitedly, "Really?? Did you ask for anything?"

Peter replied, "Yes i did. I asked for your intelligence to be enhanced ten times."

Claudia said, "Oh! That's so sweet of you."

Peter retorted, "Yeah, but I forgot anything multiplied by zero remains zero."

Shopping at the mall

Jack says to his wife Mandy, "You've been missing since the last 5 hours. Where were you?"

Mandy replies, "I had gone shopping at the mall."

Jack asks, "Ok, so what have you got?"

Mandy replies, "A lipstick and 50 selfies."

Labour pain

Cristina was going through labour pain at the hospital. She was screaming in agony, and looking at her condition, her boyfriend Peter said, "Darling, I am so sorry that you have to go through this because of me."

Cristina replied, "Relax Peter, none of your fault anyway." 

Joke of the day-Sad

Anita went to her mother's home for a couple of weeks to look after her ailing mother, leaving behind her three year old in the care of her mother-in-law.

The day she reached her mother's home, she received an sms from her mother-in-law which read: "Please return soon. Son sad without you"

Anita messaged back to her mother-in-law: "Whose son? Yours or mine?"

Hilarious jokes-On the phone

David was getting irritated standing outside the public phone booth. Losing his patience, he knocked on the door and said, "Hello there, you have been in there for more than 20 minutes and I have not seen you speak at all."

The guy inside the booth replied, "Dude I am speaking to the missus."

Joke of the day-When neighbors fight

Sofia said to her husband Alam, "It seems the husband and wife next door have been fighting since a long time. Will you please go and check on them?"

Alam replied, "I have already been there a couple of times. The fight is related to that only!"

Doctor jokes-Panic in the Operation room

Pablo asked his friend David, "I heard you escaped from the Operation room. What happened?

David replied, "You have no idea what I went through at the hospital. The nurse kept saying 'Don't be worried', 'Don't be tense', 'Don't panic', 'It will soon be over', 'It is only a small operation' and so on."

Pablo said, "She must be trying to pacify you. Why were you so scared?"

Davis replied, "I was scared....because she was speaking to the Doctor!!"