Hole in the heart

Jack invited Nicole on a date to celebrate V-day.

Nicole refused by saying, "Alex has already asked me out and I have said yes to him. You know he has a medical condition. With that hole in his heart, he has only a few days to live and I do not wish to disappoint the poor soul."

Jack fumed angrily and said, "That slimy snake! He is showing around the x-ray of his bum and asking all the girls out for a date!"

Let the lady go!

Bob the thief had been eyeing the Evans mansion for quite some time. One day, he broke into the mansion and found a man and a woman inside. He tied up the lady and pointing a gun, hissed to the guy, "Take me to the electronic safe..NOW!"

The guy started crying and said to Bob, "Take what you want but please let the lady go. She is my neighbour's wife! Mine will walk into the house any time!"

Boyfriend's birthday

Rita to Tina, "It's my boyfriend's birthday tomorrow."

Tina, "Cool. What are you giving him?"

Rita, "I was about to ask you that. What should I give him?"

Tina, "Is he rich?"

Rita, "Yes, he is."

Tina, "Then give him my number!"

Stalking

Robbie said to his friend, "I have reason to believe that Stacy, the girl next door is stalking me."

His friend asked him what made him think so.

Robbie replied, "She has been looking up my profile on all search engines last night. I spotted it through my binoculars."

Source: www.reallyshortfunnyjokes.net

I got fired!

Pablo worked as a labourer at a construction site. One day he came home early from work, so his son asked him why he had returned home before his usual time.

Pablo replied, "I got fired!"

His son asked, "Why?"

Pablo said to his son, "Do you know who a supervisor is? He is the bloke who just fools around all day, watching the other guys work and doing nuthin'."

The son said, "All right, but how is that connected to your getting fired?"

Pablo replied, "The supervisor was envious of me. All of them folks thought I was the supervisor!"


Source: www.reallyshortfunnyjokes.net

My client is not guilty

Donald's wife was missing and everyone including his brother-in-law accused him of murder. The case went to court. The body could not be found and the case was getting complicated.

There were several witnesses who were called to testify. Almost everyone spoke about the constant fights between the couple and the deadly threats that Donald had made.Seeing the case getting weaker & weaker for his client, Donald's lawyer, Simmons declared in the court, "I have an announcement to make. Please draw your attention to the door on the right. The woman who is presumed dead will walk in through that door."

There were whispers in the court and everybody looked towards the door.

After a couple of seconds, lawyer Simmons said again to the Jury, "To tell you the truth, no one will be walking in through the door.However, I observed that all of you turned your eyes towards the door, which proves that you are not completely convinced about my client's guilt."

Despite the stunt, the jury declared Donald guilty.  

Lawyer Simmons tried one last time by saying, "How could you pronounce him guilty? You all turned towards the door, didn't you? I proved it to you, didn't I?"

An old guy replied, "There was one person who did not turn towards the door."

Lawyer Simmons asked, "And who is that?"

The old guy said, "Your client!"

The trouble you got yourself into

Janie bought a new SIM card and the fist thought that came to her mind was to surprise her husband Jake. So Janie replaced the old SIM with the new one in her cellphone. She went to the bedroom and called Jake who was reading the newspaper in the living room.

"Hi Sweetheart!" she said, calling from the new number.

Jake replied in a hushed tone, "Can I call you back sweety. My wife is in the bedroom!"

Bad stomach

Joe was visiting his relatives in DC. He stayed back for a couple of days. one night, he had a drink too many and had also eaten street food. He was not feeling too well the next morning. His stomach was so upset, he felt sick. He rushed to the bathroom several times but they all turned out to be false alarms. When he felt the urge one more time, he decided it was another false one, and did not budge from the bed. The next thing he knew he had dirtied the bed and it was a pathetic sight.

Not knowing what to do and embarrassed by the thought that his relatives will find out that he has splattered the bed sheet with unmentionables, he quickly collected the bed sheet and threw it out of the window.

The soiled sheet landed on a drunk who was passing by underneath the window. the drunk started swearing and screaming hysterically, punching in the air which left the bed sheet in a messy pile.

A passer-by, intrigued by the incident, stopped to ask what was going on.

The drunk replied, "You won't believe it but I just beat the cr*p out of a ghost!"

A flute for Dustin

Dustin had taken leave from his services in the army to get married. No sooner was the wedding over, Dustin got a call from the army directing him to to resume his duties with immediate effect. He was informed that he was stationed in Vietnam.for 2 years. 

After he reached Vietnam, he really started to miss his wife. He sent a mail to her. It read, "Sweetheart, it seems like I am going to be here for a long time. I miss you terribly. You know the local girls here are quite attractive and its so hard to fight the temptation. I guess I will have to take up some hobby to keep my mind from wandering."

Lisa, his bride wrote back to him, "Sweetheart, I have couriered a parcel to you. It will solve your problem."

When Dustin received the parcel, he found a flute inside with a note 'You should learn to play this.'

Finally, the two years came to an end, and Dustin got to go back home. He rushed to his wife, and picking her up in his arms, said, "Oh God! How much I missed you. I want you so much...let's go to bed."

"Wait a minute", said Lisa, "Lets hear you play the flute first."

Cherrapunji

Janco, a tourist from China visited Cherrapunji in India. Janco was unaware of the fact that Cherrapunji is one of the wettest places on earth. It was raining the day Janco arrived. It rained the next day and the day after that. She was there for almost a week and there was not a day without rain.

Sipping a cup of hot tea at a local joint, she saw a kid and asked him, "Hello, does it ever stop raining in this town?"

The little fellow replied, "How would I know? I am only 5."

Can't smoke here

Mike buys a pack of cigarettes from a store and proceeds to light a cigarette.

The store-keeper yells, "Hey, you can't smoke in here!"

Mike says, "But I bought it from your store."

The store-keeper shoots back, "Oh really, smart fella! We also sell condoms here, that does not imply that you can start using them here."

Marie's students

Marie was a regular at Sunday church and she also taught in Sunday school. Dean liked her a lot but could not muster enough courage to tell her so. Finally, one day he asked her out. He said, “Marie, how about having dinner with me tonight?”

Marie agreed, “Yes, that would be nice.”

So Dean took her to the best restaurant in town. They settled down and Dean asked, “How about some alcohol before dinner?” 

Marie retorted: “Oh Jesus, no, what would I tell my students?”

Dean was disappointed. He fumbled in his pocket, took out a pack of cigarettes and offered one to Marie. Marie refused,  “My students look up to me. I always tell them to remain away from all vices.”

Dean was lost. Somehow he finished dinner and immediately decided to drive Marie home. On the way, he saw a motel sign and as he had nothing to lose, so he asked without any hope, “If you want, we can stay at the motel.”

Marie said, “Why not? Sure.”

Dean was aghast at this turn of events. But drove into the motel before Marie could change her mind.

He checked in with Marie. They made themselves comfortable and had an extremely good time.

The next morning, Dean asked, “Marie, I wonder. How are you going to explain this to your students?”

Marie replied, “That it is not necessary for us to smoke and drink to have a good time.”

Tailors will be tailors

Jason Willis thought he had grown too fat for his trousers so he took them to the tailor to have them altered. He was sent on an overseas job the very next day and for the next 4 years, he was posted at his organization's branch in Delhi, India.

When he returned to Melbourne after a good 4 years and what seemed to him an eternity, he discovered the tailor's receipt in his wardrobe drawer. He remembered the trousers he had given to be altered to size 34, so he headed straight for the tailor's shop. Luckily the shop was still there.

Jason gave the receipt to the tailor and said, "Are my trousers ready?"

The tailor, without looking at him, replied, "Yes sir, it will be ready next Friday."

How did it happen?

Dean and Martin were sitting in a bar nursing their respective poisons. Dean appeared to be depressed. Martin asked the reason.

Dean said, “Sometimes I really don’t understand how my wife and I ended up getting married.”

Martin said, “Huh, what’s bothering you?”

Dean went on, “My wife swore to God she would never marry me when I was drunk and I would never even dream of marrying her when I was sober.”

Some accident this!

Dean was involved in a car accident. He was driving his car with his pet alongside him on the highway when a truck hit him from behind. The impact was severe. Dean was thrown out of his car on one side whereas his dog on the other. Both were badly injured. Dean sued the truck company and the truck company’s lawyer was cross examining him.

Lawyer: “Dean, didn’t you say to the cop that you were alright at the time of the accident?”

Dean: “It was like this. First I put my dog on the passenger seat…and…..”

The lawyer interrupted: “Yes or no? Did you or did you not say you were OK?”

Dean tried to continue: “After putting my pet in the seat, I started the car and reached the highway……”

Lawyer: “Your honor, this fellow is wasting the court’s time. Immediately after the accident when the cop asked him if he was alright, he said ‘I am alright’ and now he is claiming damages from my client.  I have the cop here to testify.”

The judge said: “I love dogs myself. I would like to hear what Mr. Dean has to say, please proceed.”

Dean: “Thank you, your honor. It happened like this. I put my beloved pet in the side seat and drove my car on the highway. This truck came from behind and hit my car real bad. I was thrown out of my car and severely hurt.  My pet was thrown out from the other side. He too was badly injured. He was groaning and in real bad shape. Thereafter this cop came on the site. He saw my dear dog groan and twist in pain. He commented that the dog’s condition was severe, pulled his gun and put him to sleep to ease him from the pain.

Next thing, he came to me with his gun pointing at me and asked "Are you alright? What was I supposed to say, your honor?”

It's a fine day

Jacob says to his wife Geena, "Isn't today a fine day?"

Geena replies, "Yes, it is."

The next day, Jacob says to Geena again, "Isn't today a fine day?"

Geena reples, "It is, dear."

The next day Jacob asks the same thing to Geena. This goes on for a week till Geena can't take it any more and asks Jacob, "What's wrong with you, darling? I know the weather is good but why do you keep asking if its a fine day?"

Jacob shoots back, "Remember we quarreled last week and you had said you are going to leave me one fine day. well, all I was doing is remind you!"

Really funny jokes-Know Your Taters

Some people never seem motivated to participate, but are just content to watch while others do the work.
They are called 'Spec Taters'.

Some people never do anything to help, but are gifted at finding fault with the way others do the work.
They are called 'Comment Taters'.

Some people are very bossy and like to tell others what to do, but don't want to soil their own hands.
They are called 'Dick Taters'.

Some people are always looking to cause problems by asking others to agree with them. It is too hot or too cold, too sour or too sweet.
They are called 'Aggie Taters'.

There are those who say they will help, but somehow just never get around to actually doing the promised help.
They are called 'Hezzie Taters'.

Some people can put up a front and pretend to be someone they are not.
They are called 'Immy Taters'.

Then there are those who love others and do what they say they will. They are always prepared to stop whatever they are doing and lend a helping hand. They bring real sunshine into the lives of others.
They are called 'Sweet Po Taters'.

History jokes-Christopher Columbus

Christopher Columbus was the best deal maker in history. He left not knowing where he was going, and upon arriving, not knowing where he was. He returned not knowing where he had been, and did it all on borrowed money.

Funny jokes-Lies of a Graduate student

Top 10 Lies Told By A Graduate Student

1. No really, I'll be out of here in only two more years.

2. My job prospects look really good.

3. The department is giving me so much support.

4. I just have one more book to read and then I'll start writing.

5. I turned down a lot of great job offers to come here.

6. Your latest article was so inspiring.

7. I would never date an undergraduate.

8. My work has a lot of practical importance.

9. I'd be delighted to proofread your book/article.

10. It doesn't bother me at all that my college roommate is making $80,000 a year on Wall Street.

Really funny jokes-Lost everything

Two girls were sitting in a coffee shop.

First: “My boyfriend, poor soul……lost everything in business.”

Second: “Good lord, you must be worried.”

First: “Oh yes, I keep worrying....after my marriage who is he going to confide in and share his sorrows with!"