No horns?

When Annabelle decided to take a break from city life, she landed in a small village in the outskirts of the city.

Enjoying her sabbatical, she ventured into a farm. Patting one of the animals, she asked the farmer, "Why is this cow without horns?"

Farmer Joe was silent for a moment. Then he said, "Let me explain to you ma'am. Cattle can sometimes cause harm with horns, so we use various measures to prevent the harm. Either we trim 'em with a chainsaw,
or we catch them young & apply acid where horns grow to stop the growth. There are also breeds that don't grow horns at all. But none of the above reasons applies to this cow. You know why? Cos it's a horse!"

Gambling

My friend Kevin got philosophical one day and was telling me how Life is a gamble. The word 'gamble' sparked off a series of quotes and thoughts. Then the topic steered to men gambling more than women.

Kevin had an explanation for women gambling less than men. He said, "Marriage gratifies their natural instinct for gambling!"

A matter of trust

Doctor Duckback said to his patient, "Please lie down Lucy, I need to examine you."

Lucy said to the doctor, "All right doc, but call the nurse in."

Doctor Duckback, feeling offended, said, "Don't you trust me Lucy?"

Lucy replied, "I do, doc, but that husband of mine waiting outside, doesn't trust me."

No sleep

Monty Green, the enterprising partner of Monty & Dexter, a clothing company, was going through a bad phase. Caught at the wrong end of the recession, business had reached rock-bottom and there were debts to pay. The stress was dreadful and Monty Green was losing sleep over it. Though he would come home tired and worn out every day, he found it difficult to get sleep. As the days went by, getting sleep became more and more challenging.

Monty decided he had to do something about his sleep, or rather the lack of it. He made up his mind to try different remedies to get some sleep. He tried listening to soothing music and some instrumental music on the saxophone. It didn't work.

He tried taking hot shower just before bedtime but it didn't work either.

He tried exercising but that too did not work.

He tried sleeping pills but no luck.

He met his old friend Donald and told him about his problem. He asked Donald for suggestions. Donald asked him to try the oldest remedy that ever was - to count sheep jumping over a fence.

Monty said to himself, "Why didn't I think of it before. Surely, this is the most trusted remedy for lack of sleep.Need to try it out tonight."

The next morning, Monty called his friend Donald and asked if he could meet him.

When Donald arrived, he saw Monty in the same state as he had seen before. Donald commented, "Obviously it didn't work."

Monty replied, "It didn't. I started counting sheep immediately after lying down on the bed. Didn't get any sleep. But boy, did I count sheep. I counted 4500 without getting tired. Had to try something else. So I started shearing 'em. Didn't help - I was still wide awake. Not the one to give up, I dyed the wool that I had sheared. No sleep. I spun it. No sleep. I made smart jackets out of 'em. Do you have any idea how tiring this kind of work can get. I started getting sleepy. Then it all went wrong!"

Donald asked, "What went wrong??"

Monty replied, "I was awake for the rest of the night trying to figure out where to get four thousand five hundred silk linings from!"

Sunday at the beach

Santa and Banta are enjoying their Sunday at the beach.

Santa complains to Banta, "I am not having a good time. The girls are not noticing me."

Banta says, "I have a solution. Why don't you put a Banana in your swim shorts. It would help."

So Santa does what he is told and complains to Banta again after some time."I did what you asked me to do but it's no good."

Banta chuckled and said, "Santa, you are supposed to put it in the front!"

Bruno's dilemma

Bruno loves mountain climbing, so off he goes scaling heights in the Himalayas. He is almost at the peak of the mountain, when his slips and plunges down. He falls thirty feet, when he grabs on to a bush that is protruding out of a rock.

Bruno looks shown and shudders when he sees the depth. It looks to him that death is imminent. His hands begin to slip and he starts losing his grip on the bush.

In desperation, Bruno cries out loud, "Is anyone up there who can help me?"

Just then, a voice booms from the skies, "Bruno, I am God. Have faith in me. Let go of that bush.I will protect you."

Bruno looks down at the depth again, and then looks up and says, "Is anyone else up there?"

Refrain

Sardar Santa Singh decides to give up all worldly things for a period of 6 months. He took an oath to refrain from all worldly desires to appease the Gods so that his dream of watching his country win the Cricket World cup comes true.

He tells his wife about the decision and that he would also have to refrain from all nocturnal activities. His wife Jeeto is not happy with the idea but decides to support him nevertheless as it is for a good cause.

One week goes by, then the second, and Sardar Santa Singh finds it more and more difficult to control himself. To help him, Jeeto wears the most uglly nightdresses and does not brush before going to bed. three to four months go by. The last 2 months are the most difficult for Santa, so Jeeto locks him out of the bedroom every night and he is forced to sleep on the sofa.

Finally, D-Day arrives and there were loud knocks on Jeeto's bedroom door.

Sardar Santa Singh asks, "Guess who is this?"

Jeeto replies, "I very well know who it is."

Sardar Santa Singh asks, "Guess what I need?"

Jeeto replies, "I very well know what you need!"

Sardar Santa Singh asks, "Guess what I am pounding the door with?"

Is she better?

Neil was engaged to Betty. One day, he dropped by to see her and said, "I am sorry, darling but I have to call off our engagement. I have to marry another girl."

Betty became hysterical and cried, "Why Niel? Why do you wish to marry another girl? Is she better looking than me?"

"No", answered Niel. "She is not."

Betty's next question was, "Does she cook better than me?"

"No", answered Niel, "Her best doesn't even come close to yours."

Betty asked, "Does she buy you things like I do?"

"No", answered Niel, "She does not work, and has no bank balance."

Betty, completely frustrated by now, asked, "Then what can she do that I cannot do?"

Niel, avoiding eye contact, answered, "She can go to court for child support."

Just an apple

Monty Moolik was the Chairman of an organization that promoted vegetarian food. For years, he had one wish - to experience the taste of pork. when the feeling was getting a little out of hand, he decided to go on a vacation all by himself and experiment. So he headed for a beach resort away from town, and found a nice restaurant to have his dinner. He ordered a roasted pig, and waited for the experience of a life time. The wait was making him a little edgy, when he heard his name being called from behind. When he turned to see who was calling out his name, he was flabbergasted to see a member of the Veg society walking towards him. At the same time, the waiter came along with a big platter, carrying a full roasted pig and an apple in it's mouth.

Monty thought fast and finally said to his fellow member, "Look at this! I just order an apple and look what it came in!!"

Boka

My dear friend, Boka was taken to the emergency room of Apollo hospital. When the doctor saw the burn marks on his ears, he asked, "How did this happen?"

Boka replied, "Well the missus was ironing clothes right next to the computer table where I was playing games on my PC. She kept the iron next to the phone and when the phone rang, I picked the iron."

The doctor rolled his eyes and asked, "What happened to the other ear."

The dim-witted Boka replied, "Immediately after that, the phone rang again."

Tormented

Harold was very nervous. He was going to be a father soon and the endless wait at the hospital was not doing him any good.
 

Nancy was in labour and Harold could hear her screams. The nurses asked him to take it easy but nothing seemed to comfort Harold.

After what seemed to be an eternity, a nurse came out from the operating room and announced, "It's a girl!"

Heaving a sigh of relief and visibly relaxed, Harold said, "Thnk God it's a girl. At least she won't be tormented the way I just was!"

The value of aroma

Derrick ran a small laundry shop but business was not good. His shop was next to the upscale 5-Spice Restaurant. Derrick's wife, Martha, would pack his lunch box with simple food that they could afford.

Everyday during lunch time, Derrick would sit in the garden in the back of his shop and eat his lunch. He would enjoy the tantalizing aroma that came from the restaurant next door. The restaurant's owner Mr. Anderson, would often notice Derrick having his lunch in his garden.

One day, Derrick received a bill from the 5-Spice restaurant. Derrick went to see Mr. Anderson to find out what the bill was for. He was told that the bill had been forwarded as Derrick was enjoying food of the restaurant and was therefore liable to pay for it.

When Derrick refused to comply to such a ridiculous demand, the matter went to Court.

The judge asked the restaurant owner to explain himself.
 

Mr. Anderson said, "This man who owns a small store next to my restaurant, has his lunch near my kitchen every day. He can be clearly seen smelling our food while eating his. Our rich food is giving value addition to the ordinary food that he eats, and we deserve to be compensated for it.

The judge then asked Derrick to explain himself.

Derrick remained quiet and put his hands in his pocket and played with the coins inside making rattling sounds.

The judge asked, "What are you doing?"

Derrick replied, "I am paying Mr. Anderson for the aroma of his food with the sound of my coins."

Engine trouble

Kingfisher Airlines was operating it's flight from Bombay to Goa. The passengers were all looking forward to their holiday in Goa when suddenly there was an announcement in the plane.

"There is a technical fault in one of the engines of the plane. This will cause a delay of 20 minutes in landing."

There was some commotion among the passengers and then everyone settled down.

A little later, there was another announcement.

"The first engine has failed and the second engine has also developed a fault.There will be a delay of another 60 minutes."
Passengers voice their concerns and then they settle down again.

A third announcement follows.

"Two engines failed. Third engine developed fault. Too much pressure on the last engine. Delay of another 2 hours"
An old lady, who was looking forward to the beaches of Goa and not too happy with the situation, said loudly "I hope the fourth engine remains intact. I don't want to spend the rest of the night up here."

What is the Pope like?

Matteo and Antonio were cobblers in a small village near Sicily.

They were doing fine in their business. Matteo had been wanting to see the Pope for a long time, so one day he packed his bags and left for Rome.

Matteo returned after 2 weeks. Antonio could not wait to meet him and learn everything about his trip. So he rushed to Matteo's home and asked him, "Tell me Matteo, what is the Pope like?"

Matteo replied, "Size 38."

Bait

Tom was 70 and Diana was 65, when they decided to go on a cruise in the Carribean. They were having a conversation at the deck, when a giant wave came up and took away Diana with it.

They arranged to send divers down the sea to find her but she could not be traced. After days of unsuccessful attempts to trace her, they sent Tom home promising him that they will continue their search and will notify him if there is any news.

After about 15 days, Tom got a call from the Captain. He said, "I am sorry, I have bad news sir. We found her body at the bottom of the sea and when we pulled her up on the deck, there was an oyster stuck to her bums. We opened it and found a big pearl inside. We estimate its value to be half a million. What do you want us to do?"

Tom replied, "Courier me the pearl. Use DHL. And send her back in as bait."

How good is your son

Josie ran into her old friend Diana in a shopping mall.

After the usual pleasantries, Josie asked Diana, "Hasn't your son graduated in Commerce?"

Diana replied, "Yes, he has."

Josie asked, "So what does he do now?"

Diana replied, "He has joined a mens clothing store as a salesman."

Josie said, "A salesman? Is he good at his job?"

Diana smiled and said, "You ask if he is good. Let me tell you he is just too good! Why, the other day an old lady came to his store to purchase a suit to bury her dead husband in. Can you believe it, my son convinced her to buy an extra shirt for him!"

Santa's presence of mind

Santa Singh was returning home after a hard day of work. It was late in the night and the streets were deserted. Suddenly, an armed man came out from behind the bushes and pointing his gun at Santa, said in a harsh tone, "Give me your wallet."

Santa handing his wallet said to the perpetrator, "You can take my money but please use your gun to put a hole in my turban, or else Jassi, my wife, will never believe I was robbed."

The mugger agreed and shot through Santa's turban.

Santa had another request and giving his jacket to the perpetrator, said, "Can you pump a few bullets into my jacket to make it look like I put up a good fight, or else my wife Jassi will get the chance to call me a coward."

The mugger agreed and shot a number of bullets through Santa's jacket.

Santa was ready with another request. He said, "One more thing. Can you..."

The perpetrator interrupted him and said, "Listen, I am out of bullets. There's nothing more I can do for you."

"Good", replied Santa, pulling up his sleeves to show his muscular arms, "Now, give me back my wallet and hand me your wallet to cover for my turban & jacket that you messed up. Or else I will beat the pulp out of you!"

Founder's day

This has to be one of the best jokes I have heard.

It was the founder's day at the Asian Heart institute, a reputed hospital specializing in heart diseases.

Dr. Robert Smith had been invited to be the chief guest and to deliver a speech on healthy living. During his speech, Dr Smith said, "The things that we eat can end our lives. Aerated drinks corrode our bodies, red meat is dangerous for the heart, Chinese food is full of sodium, our drinking water has bacteria, high fat foods have dangerous impacts over a period of time. However, there is one food that we have all relished and which can cause the highest level of damage. Can anyone seated here tell me what is that food which can cause anguish and misery for years after eating it.

There was silence in the audience, till the time a very old gentleman slowly raised his hand and replied, "Wedding cake."

Stingy old money lender

Rahat Khan, a stingy old money-lender in rural India, was on his death bed. So great was his love for money that he wanted to take all of it to his afterlife. So Rahat Khan instructed his wife to collect 5 grand from the bank and put it in 2 large leather cases. The next instruction to her was to place the leather bags in the attic
just above his bed so that when he started for his final destination, he would grab the bags while proceeding to Heaven.

Rahat Khan died and his wife led a lonely life. After a few months, when she went to the attic to clean, she found the two bags stuffed with money. She said to herself, "That foolish husband of mine, he should have asked me to place the bags in the basement!"

Tailors will be tailors

Jason Willis thought he had grown too fat for his trousers so he took them to the tailor to have them altered. He was sent on an overseas job the very next day and for the next 4 years, he was posted at his organization's branch in Delhi, India.

When he returned to Melbourne after a good 4 years and what seemed to him an eternity, he discovered the tailor's receipt in his wardrobe drawer. He remembered the trousers he had given to be altered to size 34, so he headed straight for the tailor's shop. Luckily the shop was still there.

Jason gave the receipt to the tailor and said, "Are my trousers ready?"

The tailor, without looking at him, replied, "Yes sir, it will be ready next Friday."

Overweight girl

Adam went to Tito's bar in Goa and saw an overweight girl dancing on a table.

Adam commented, "Nice legs!"

The overweight girl smiled at him and said, "Yeah? You really think so?"

Adam said sarcastically, "Yeah! I mean it. Most other tables would have crashed by now!"

a worthy reply

Rita : Darling, I need $500 for shopping.

Harry (a little upset): You need brains more than money.

Rita (retorting): I can only ask you for something that you have!

Mahabharata woes

Gandhari: “Putra Duryodhan, is yuddh ki samapti ke paschat mujhe Ganga snan ke liye le jana.”

Duryodhan: “Avashya mate, kintu ek samasya hai. Producer ne budget main Ganga snan pass nahin kiya.”

Boys will be boys

Roger was taking a walk with the priest when he said he wanted to share something. The priest asked him to go on and Roger said, "It's about my son. I deal in clothes and I asked him to join my business. Last week, I caught him kissing one of the models."

The priest tried to console him, "It okay Roger. Why are you making such a big deal out of it? Boys will be boys."

Roger replied, "I deal in men's clothes."

Where do I live?

I had a Maths teacher, Mr. Vikram,  who was well known for being absent minded. He would keep forgetting things and was often made fun of.

It so happened that he moved to a new home in the next block, and fearing he would forget where he lived, his wife jotted down the new address on a piece of paper and gave it to him when he was ready to leave for school. She reminded him to check the note on the way back from school, so he does not end up going to the old address.

Well, Mr. Vikram had a busy day teaching at school and also, had a meeting with the Principal regarding disciplinary measures and new rules to be introduced. He took notes on the back of the piece of paper his wife had given him, and then handed it over to his assistant for follow up forgetting that his new address was on the other side of the piece of paper.

When he started for home, he didn't remember the new home, as expected, and reached his old residence. When he found the door locked, he remembered the new home and started looking in his pocket for the slip of paper. Not finding it, he started wandering the streets looking for his new home, when he came across a young girl.

He stopped her and asked, "Excuse me, my name is Prof Vikram and I teach Maths. Would you, by any chance, know where I live?"

"Certainly yes, daddy," said the girl.

How did it happen?

Dean and Martin were sitting in a bar nursing their respective poisons. Dean appeared to be depressed. Martin asked the reason.

Dean said, “Sometimes I really don’t understand how my wife and I ended up getting married.”

Martin said, “Huh, what’s bothering you?”

Dean went on, “My wife swore to God she would never marry me when I was drunk and I would never even dream of marrying her when I was sober.”

Funny speech

There were two schools-one exclusively for girls and the other only for boys. When the local government passed an ordinance to strictly maintain gender equality, all such institutions had to merge and so did these two schools.

On the opening of the new co education school, the state minister addressed the audience thus:

“Friends, I am aware that some of you may regret the exclusiveness and charm of the old individual schools.  Now I tell you, there are things girls can do and boys cannot and there are things that boys can do that girls cannot. But let me assure you friends, best are the things that girls and boys do together."

In the middle of the night

A recent survey has shown that there is one thing that always rises right in the middle of the night.

Fuel price……

Lawyer joke-Timing of crash

Lawyer: “You were there when the accident occurred?”

Witness: “Yes sir, I was there.”

Lawyer: “Would you mind telling the judge which vehicles were involved in the mishap?”

Witness: “Both were state buses.”

Lawyer: “How did the accident happen?”

Witness: “They were coming from the opposite directions and crashed into each other head on.”

Lawyer: “Did you notice which bus crashed into which bus first?”

Witness: “They crashed into each other at the same time.”

Drilling rights

Tom was an owner of an oil conglomerate who had married a pretty young thing fifteen years younger to him.

One day, Tom barged into his lawyer’s office and demanded, “I want a divorce!"

The Lawyer asked, “On what grounds?”

Tom replied, "I want to charge her with breach of contract.”

The Lawyer said, “What contract? Your spouse is not your property. She is your wedded wife but you don’t own her.”

Tom said, “Well then, I want sole and exclusive rights to drill.”

Some accident this!

Dean was involved in a car accident. He was driving his car with his pet alongside him on the highway when a truck hit him from behind. The impact was severe. Dean was thrown out of his car on one side whereas his dog on the other. Both were badly injured. Dean sued the truck company and the truck company’s lawyer was cross examining him.

Lawyer: “Dean, didn’t you say to the cop that you were alright at the time of the accident?”

Dean: “It was like this. First I put my dog on the passenger seat…and…..”

The lawyer interrupted: “Yes or no? Did you or did you not say you were OK?”

Dean tried to continue: “After putting my pet in the seat, I started the car and reached the highway……”

Lawyer: “Your honor, this fellow is wasting the court’s time. Immediately after the accident when the cop asked him if he was alright, he said ‘I am alright’ and now he is claiming damages from my client.  I have the cop here to testify.”

The judge said: “I love dogs myself. I would like to hear what Mr. Dean has to say, please proceed.”

Dean: “Thank you, your honor. It happened like this. I put my beloved pet in the side seat and drove my car on the highway. This truck came from behind and hit my car real bad. I was thrown out of my car and severely hurt.  My pet was thrown out from the other side. He too was badly injured. He was groaning and in real bad shape. Thereafter this cop came on the site. He saw my dear dog groan and twist in pain. He commented that the dog’s condition was severe, pulled his gun and put him to sleep to ease him from the pain.

Next thing, he came to me with his gun pointing at me and asked "Are you alright? What was I supposed to say, your honor?”

Who is the boss

Santa was getting married. Night before the D day, Banta told him: “Santa, I am giving you a million dollar advice. You have to kill the cat on the first night itself. Show her who is the boss  around here. Make her follow your commands from day one. Otherwise she will be in charge.”

Santa: “But how do I do that?”

Banta: “Simple. Finish all your sentences with ‘or else…… or otherwise……’ when you ask her to do something. For example say- ‘Wife, bring me tea and make it quick or else…….’ “

Santa took the advice literally. On the very first night he ordered her sternly to bring milk with saffron. Thereafter he made it a habit to order her around and the threat was always there in the air. Even while going to bed he would say: “Come to bed pronto or else…….”

Santa’s wife was a simple and obedient woman. She could not understand Santa’s behavior. But she was intelligent and patient. She wisely decided to wait and watch for a few days and see how things turn. Things didn’t change. Santa continued his behavior and she continued to obey him. After about a month of this she decided that Santa was basically a good man and what he was doing was out of his character. And she decided to act, enough was enough.

One day Santa ordered: “Wife, prepare hot water bath for me ..otherwise…..”

Wife retorted: “Otherwise? Otherwise what?”

Santa was at a loss of words. He said: “Otherwise nothing. I will take a cold bath.”

Wife: “Then do.”

 Santa did and they lived happily ever after.

A lot of room

Margaret Jones, a woman of 75 years who had never married in her life, had just one ambition. To get married and lose her virginity. She was a wealthy woman with all good things in life at her disposal.

Somehow, she never got around to get married but she wanted to do it now. She had only one condition - she wanted a man who had never done it, just like herself.

She advertised all over the world looking for that perfect match and finally was able to locate a young guy from Australia, called Shane Warner.

They got married, and she took him to her mansion. While she was getting ready for the night, she heard some loud noises from the adjacent room. When she went to the other room to investigate, she found that all the furniture in the rooms had been moved to the corners.

Margaret asked Shane, "What are you doing, my dear?"

Shane replied, "Madam, I have never done it with a woman in my life, but in case it is similar to doing it to a kangaroo, I am gonna need a lot of room!"

Story of a village boy

Arnold, who had just finished high school in the countryside, was very excited about the prospect of going to college.

He went to his father and asked, "Papa, will you send me to college?"

The old farmer replied, "Listen son, I will decide whether to send you to college the day you can tell what's what."

"Till that time", the farmer added, "You can work on the farm and I will pay you for it."

Arnold agreed and toiled on his dad's farm for a year. After that, he approached his father again asking to be sent to college.

The old farmer said, "Do you know what's what? I told you I will send you to college the day you answer me."

Disappointed, Arnold headed for the local bar. There he met a pretty young girl and they developed an instant liking towards each other. When they left the bar, she invited him to her place. After talking for some time, she said she was going into the bedroom and that he should follow after 5 minutes for a surprise.

He waited for 5 minutes and went to her bedroom. He was taken aback by the sight of her wearing nothing but a thin chain around her waist.

Arnold, pointing to the chain, asked her, "What's that?"

The pretty young thing answered, "What's what?"

"Don't ask me that", said Arnold, "If I had the answer to that question, I would be in college."

In jail

With my 2 year old son on the loose at home, I always feel I am in jail. You will want to know why.

I'll tell you why. My day begins with someone yelling at me to wake up. It's like someone is always keeping an eye on what I am doing. I can't have a shower without fearing something bad is going to happen to me. I can't sleep without the fear that a scoundrel will crawl into my bed at night. I feel eyes fixed on my back when I going to the bathroom. Alcohol and adult movies need to be smuggled in to be enjoyed in complete secrecy. The fear of being attacked by anything that comes in the hands of the perpetrator.


Ain't it like being in jail?

Draw a picture

Dean was dealing in furniture, especially antique furniture. And to acquire old pieces of furniture, he had to travel regularly to other cities.

On one such visit, after the day’s work, he was sitting in a bar nursing a drink, when a cute girl, probably French, walked in. The bar was crowded but there was a vacant seat next to Dean. The girl walked over and occupied the chair.

Out of common courtesy, Dean offered her a drink but she did not understand English. So Dean took a paper napkin and made a rough sketch of glass with whisky and looked at the girl lifting his eye brows questioningly. She immediately understood and nodded her consent. After a couple of rounds of drinks, Dean took another napkin and drew a picture of a man and a woman dancing and she immediately got up to dance. They had a few more drinks after that and of course, dinner.

The girl, now happy and more than satisfied, took a napkin and drew a picture of a big double bed. To this day Dean has not been able to understand how she knew he was in the furniture business.

Call to wife

Sam called his wife and said to her in a weak voice, "Hey baby, I was driving to a coffee shop to meet Mary when all of a sudden, a stray dog came in the way. I tried to steer left to avoid running it down, but the car skidded due to high speed, rolled over and almost ran off the cliff. The car was hanging nose down over the cliff, as I looked down fearing impending death. I just managed to climb out of the car and save my life, just before the car fell over the cliff crashing thousands of feet below and was blown into smithereens."

Sam continued, "I was taken to a hospital. I have a broken leg, broken jaw, dislocated shoulder and several injuries on my head."

There was silence on the phone, then the wife asked, "Who is Mary?"

Do not touch!

Desmond, known to be notorious, is having a drink at his favourite watering hole.

Having had a drink too many, he feels the need to go to the urinal. Fearing that someone in the cheap joint will drink his rum, he puts a label on his glass, marked "I licked the glass and spat in it. DO NOT TOUCH!"

When he returns from the urinal, there is another label on his glass marked "ME TOO!"

The trouble with me

Mark was quite tensed when he went to see a shrink.

Mark said slowly to Dr. Lowe, "I..I am in love with my cat."

Dr. Lowe said in a sweet voice, "That's ok Mark. Several people in the world are fond of animals. In fact, I have a dog who I cannot do without."

Mark, looking embarrassed, said to the shrink, "It's different. I feel myself...err...physically drawn to my cat."

Dr. Lowe looks at Mark and says, "Is your cat a 'he or a 'she'?

Mark, looking offended says, "Its a female cat, doc. Do I look gay to you??"

Don't get sarcastic with me

Christopher popped the question to Lydia, his girlfriend of 4 years. "Will you marry me?"

The next thing you know is that they are married and on the way to Venice for their honeymoon.

When they are back home, Christopher gets back to normal life. One fine morning, he is cleaning his golf club and looking forward to join his buddies at the golf course, when Lydia comes to him and says, "Chris, we are married now and I think you should give up sports like golfing as it is such a waste of time!"

Christopher can't believe what he just heard, and gives her a look of disbelief.

Lydia says, Huh, did i say something wrong?"

Christopher says, "For a second, I thought that was my ex-wife talking."

Now its Lydia's turn to be shocked and she yells, "Ex wife! You never told you had married before!"

Christopher replies, "I hadn't!"

Runaway train

Mickey had spent a long time in the mental asylum. The doctors were checking his mental health and if deemed fit, he would be allowed to go.

One of the doctors asked, "If you see a train speeding towards you in this passage, what would you do?"

Mickey replied, "I would jump in my copter and fly to safety."

The doc asked further, "And where did you find the copter?"

Mickey replied, "Same place you found that godforsaken train!"

I am a dog

Renita goes to see Dr. Mulbury in a state of despair.

"Doctor", says Renita, "There is something terribly wrong with me. I think I am turning into a dog!"

Dr. Mulbury, pretty shocked to hear such a statement, responds, "My dear, I am sure you are suffering from some ailment, but be assured, you cannot turn into a dog."

Renita, far from being assured, goes on, "Look at my teeth, Dr. Mulbury. They are beginning to look like a canine's teeth!"

Dr. Mulbury said, "I can see that. Your teeth do look sharp but that does not mean you are turning into a dog."

Renita, not ready to be dismissed so easily, continues, "Look at all the hair I am getting on my hands and legs!"

Dr. Mulbury, now concerned, replies,"There certainly is some disorder, but you are not turning into a dog."

Renita says, "Look at my tongue, it was never this long!!"

Dr. Mulbury takes a look and says, "Yes, it appears to be long."

Renita adds,"Look at my nails, doc. Have you seen a woman with nails this long and sharp?'

Dr. Mulbury is worried now, and manages to mumble, "Hmm..."

Renita, now going wild, lifts her skirt and says, "I am even developing a tail!"

Dr. Mulbury, visibly shaken, starts scribbling something on a piece of paper.

Renita says, "Are you writing me a prescription? I just hope it helps. I am going crazy!"

Dr. Mulbury says, "Not really. I am writing a letter to my uncle who works at the Mayor's office. Show him this letter and he will give you permission to poop in the streets!"

To drink or not to drink

Balbir, the village drunkard, asked his friend Suresh if it was okay to drink alcohol while praying.

Suresh, noticing the temple priest pass by, asked Balbir to pose this question to the priest.

Balbir, a little inebriated, staggered to the temple priest and asked, "Oh Holy man, is it okay for me to drink while I pray?"

The priest, enraged by such a question, replied angrily, "Certainly not!! How could you be so discourteous to your religion?"

Balbir went to Suresh and told him what the priest replied to him.

Suresh said to him, "Your question was not right. Let me give it a try."

Suresh went up to the temple priest and said, "Sire, do you think it is right to pray while I drink?"

The priest smiled and said, "Oh certainly, my good fellow. Sure you can".

Air hostess

Philippines airline advertised, "We invite you to experience our warm and motherly treatment."

A passenger commented, "They are so right. It's warm cos the air-conditioning never works. It has to be motherly, all the pursers & hostesses are 50 plus!!"

You are what you shop!

Tracy goes to the departmental store to shop for groceries and toiletries. She picks up a packet of skimmed milk, zero-fat yogurt, apples, hair-remover and a deodorant.

She goes to the cash counter and the snooty cashier asks her, "You must be single!"

Tracy is surprised, and asks her, "How did you know? Did you guess that from what I purchased?"

"No," replied the cashier, "You're ugly!"

The irresistible offer

Robert, the smart new manager, impresses one and all at his workplace.

One day, his Boss, Mr. Jenkins calls him in his cabin and says, "Robert, I must admit I am mighty impressed with you. I have a proposal for you. If you agree to marry my daughter, I'll make you a stakeholder in my company, give you a 5 million dollar annual salary plus perks, and the latest S-class of Mercedes Benz."

Robert is perplexed. He says, "Is something wrong with your daughter?"

Mr. Jenkins shows him a photograph of her and Robert shivers at the sight of the ugly girl in the photo.

Mr. Jenkins adds, "Err, she has other problems as well. She is dumb and she stutters."

Robert finally manages to say, "Thanks for the offer but she is not worth it."

Mr. Jenkins persists, "Listen son, I will give you a 10 million and buy you a mansion with a private beach."

Robert simply cannot say no to the irresistible offer, so he accepts thinking he will put a pillow over her head when they make out.

They get married and after a few months, Robert buys an expensive painting. He wants to hang it on the wall, so he says to his wife, "Can you get me a hammer.'

She stutters, "Ham-merr, need a ham-err"

Robert says, Also get some nails."

She stutters, "N-nails, need n-nails."

Robert hammers a nail into the wall when he hits his finger and shouts, "F**k!"

She stutters, "Pil-loww, get a pil-loww!"

Intelligent women

Dana: Why do men like intelligent women with a high IQ?

Tara: That's because Opposites attract!

Coming up

Sardar Santa Singh worked in a medical store as a cashier and was not too acquainted with facts of medicines. One day, the pharmacist was away on an errand, so Santa Singh had to take his place. A customer came along and asked for a medicine by it's name.

Since the medicine was not available at the counter, Santa Singh asked the helper boy to get it from the warehouse. The helper boy was taking long to get it, and the customer was getting impatient.

Seeing the customer getting edgy, and not knowing that the medicine was meant to help get an erection, Santa Singh tried to pacify him by saying, "Here sir, sit down. Yours coming up in minute."

It's a shame

It was Mona's first date and she was mighty excited about it.

Grandma was very worried though, so she decided to have a little chat with her granddaughter.

She said to Mona, "Mona, my dear, you need to know a few things about guys, before you go for your first date. He will try to give you a smooch, and you may feel good about it, but you need to stop him."

Mona nodded her head.

Grandma went on, "You don't know these young boys. Next he will try to squeeze your melons. You may feel good about it, but you need to stop him."

Mona nodded again.

Grandma continued, "He will also try to rub you in the wrong places, you may feel good about it too, but you need to stop him. But above all this, he may try to climb on top of you and have his way with you. You may feel good but you certainly need to stop him! It will bring shame to your family"

After the enlightenment, Mona went ahead with her date. When she returned home, she seemed to be very happy.

Grandma wanted to know all about it.

Mona said to her, "Oh Grandma, I did not let Tom bring shame to our family. When he tried to do all those things you said, I climbed on top of him and brought shame to HIS family!!"

Diagnosis

The professor of psychology at S.D. College, Mr. Andrews was conducting a class on the topic "Manic depression".

During the lecture, the professor posed a question to the class. He asked, "What diagnosis would you have for a person who paces the floor back & forth, pulls his hair, yells at everyone in sight and then goes into a shell crying uncontrollably?"

Betty raised her hand to answer, "It would be a football coach, right?"