Really funny jokes-Simple exercises for Keyboard jockeys

Some tips for people who hate to exercise.

For those keyboard jockeys (those with jobs that require sitting at a computer all day) who don't want to spend the money for those fancy exercise machines, here is a little secret for building arm and shoulder muscles. Three days a week is best.

Begin by standing (in your cubicle works well) with a five pound potato sack in each hand. Extend your arms straight out to your sides and hold them there as long as you can.

After a few weeks, move up to ten pound potato sacks and then fifty pound potato sacks, and finally get to where you can lift a one hundred pound potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.

Next, start putting a few potatoes in the sacks.

Home layout

An architect from Bangladesh was visiting India.

An Indian friend of his took him home and showed the Bangladeshi guy around the house.

"This is the living room," said the Indian guy. "This is the dining hall, this is the store room, this is the children's bedroom, this is the master bedroom, this is the kitchen, the bathroom, the lavatory" and so on...

The Bangadeshi architect commented, "I liked the layout".

The Indian friend asked, "So, what kind of layout do you have in Bangladeshi homes?"

The architect from Bangladesh replied, "Well, it's pretty much the same, only there are no partitions."

Employment clause

When Tina returned from  a job interview, her boyfriend asked her how the interview went.

"Went well," said Tina, "but if I take up the job, I won't get a vacation until I get married."

Her boyfriend said, "Never heard of a clause like that! What exactly did they tell you?"

Tina replied, "The application read: 'Vacation cannot be taken until the candidate completes her First Anniversary.'"

Adult jokes-Focus

Anna and Elsa are two Swedish maids who go to the market to get their photograph taken.

Anna asks Elsa, "Why is this guy looking at us in a strange way?"

Elsa said, "He needs to focus."

"Really?" says Anna, "but you tell him he should take the photograph first."

A favor!

The other day, I was jogging at Marine Drive in Mumbai, when I saw a parked car with a sticker saying "I miss Bihar".
(Bihar is the crime capital of India).

So i picked up a stone and broke the window, removed the stereo system, punctured the tyres and left a note saying "This should help!"

Short funny jokes-Headache

Dan: How is your headache?

John: She is at her mother's.

Big boy

Adam and Dana were onbserving their new born baby boy.

"Look at the size of his thing, he sure is BIG!" said Adam.

Dana said to him in a consoling voice,"Yes sweetheart, but he does have your eyes."

Adult jokes-Loose character

Derick was on his first date with Gina who was known to be a "loose" character.

Once he parked his car, they indulged in foreplay and Gina seemed to like it.  As the heat was building up, he put his hand inside her knickers.

She seemed to be loving it, but suddenly cried, "Ahh, your ring is hurting me!"

Derick replied, "not my ring, that's my watch."

Blonde jokes-Vac

Deborah, the busty blonde who was on vacation, sent home a postcard.

She writes: Hi folks, me having a great time. Where am I?

Very funny jokes-Theft is same store

The cops, while investigating a theft in a readymade garments store, caught the thief and were interrogating him. They asked the thief why did he steal in the same store 4 times.

Bob the thief confessed that the first time he stole an expensive gown, he gifted it to his wife. He added, "You know how women are! I had to go back three times to change it!"

Funny jokes-Grudge

A British guy walks into a bar in Central London and before he could order his drink, he notices a Sikh man wearing a turban. Having a personal grudge against sardars, the British guy says loudly to the bartender to the advantage of everyone seated in the bar, "Drinks for everyone in here, except for the Sikh sardar over there."

The first round of drinks were served, and the Sikh guy gives him a smile, gestures to him saying, "Thank you!" in a loud voice.

The British guy is upset and again orders loudly to the bartender to serve another round of drinks to everyone except the Sardar.

The Sardar seems to be unruffled and he continues to smile, and yells back, "Thank you!"

The British guy is mad by now and asks the bartender, "What's wrong with this Sardar? I've insulted him by ordering drinks for everyone but him, and yet he smiles back and keeps thanking me. Has he lost his mind?"

"No, Sir," replies the bartender. "He is the owner of this place."

Overgrown boy

Joke on MEN at the women's lib party:

How do you define Marriage? 
It's an eyewash involving the adoption of an overgrown boy whose parents can't handle him anymore!

Baywatch

The things that we have learnt from the popular series Baywatch:

1. The favorite pass-time in the US is running on the beach in slow-mo.

2. US citizens almost drown twice an hour.

3. In spite of the above tendency, CPR almost always helps and there are never any deaths.

4. If you are American, you are likely to introspect looking at the ocean for a long time after being told anything of significance.

5. Fat guys can't be relied on and are always scheming.

6. American girls have enormous assets that are given prominence with close-ups for long lasting screen shots.

7. In CA, there is greater probability of one getting kidnapped by jewellery robbers or by terrorists than drown.

8. All lifeguards who claim to be underprivileged, own flashy sports cars and beach homes.

Short funny jokes-Green dot

Teacher to students: Tell me what does the Green dot on Britannia Tiger Biscuit packet mean?

One student : It means that the Tiger is online....

Very funny jokes-Swipe

Working at a small office in the countryside, I found my colleague Katy put a credit card into her floppy drive and then pulling it out in an instant.

Bewildered, I asked what was she up to.

Her answer gave me the creeps. Katy replied she was shopping on the net and the website was constantly asking for a credit card number, so she decided to "swipe" her card in the floppy drive.

Short funny jokes-Real sign of getting old!

Initial signs that indicate you are growing old.

Wrinkled skin? No.

Thick eyeglasses? No.

Hair loss? No.

The real sign is - When you begin to love your own wife.

Michelangelo's painting

Meera had planned a trip to Italy and decided to take her old gandma along as there was nobody to look after her while she was away.

When they visited the Sistine Chapel in the Vatican, she pointed to the painting on the ceiling.

"Granny, do you know it took Michelangelo a full four years to get that ceiling painted."

"Sounds familiar", her grandma said. "He and I must have the same landlord."

Doctor jokes-Before the pain

A Swede doctor gives instructions to his patient.

Doctor: “It is of vital importance that you take this particular medicine right one hour before you get your pains.”

Very funny jokes-Habits

The Indian groom says to his bride on the wedding night, "I want to confess that I had 15 love affairs before we got married."

The bride instead of getting upset, said brightly, "I knew it! When our horoscopes matched, I was sure our habits would also match!!"

Zen question-Forest officers

Zen question
Where do forest officers go to "get away from it all"?

Adult jokes-That kinda guy

Derek was tired of working at a logging venue for what seemed to be like an eternity. So he decides to go to town and have some serious fun. He goes to a Bed and Breakfast place asks the owner, "Where do I go if I want a little fun around here?"

The owner answered, "There ain't no women for miles, but if you want it real bad, we have a Chinese cook."

"Hey, I'm not that kinda guy!" said Derek, and went away.

A week went by, and Derek was back to the owner's cabin. He said, "Lets suppose I opted for the Chinese cook, how many people would have to know about it?"

The owner replied "Hmm... there's me, there's you, him, that's six in all, we need three to hold him down - he's not that kinda guy either!!"

Pun-Dead

Making fun of dead people is a grave mistake!

Really funny jokes-Beckham's holiday

Posh and Becks had taken a cab from Heathrow Airport to Central London.

"Where have you been?" asks the cabbie.

"New York," says Beckham. "We saw a show and did some shopping."

"Did you have any nice meals?" asks the cabbie.

"Yes, one really great one."

"What was the name of the restaurant?" asks the cabbie.

"Dunno. I can't remember. Name some big railway stations in London," says Beckham.

The cabbie begins: "Waterloo, Paddington, Victoria..."

Beckham interrupts excitedly: "That's it! Victoria, what was the name of that restaurant we went to?"

Mother's day joke

On Mother's Day, there was a family get-together and everyone was having a great time around the dinner table.

Later, when the Mother of the family started to wash the dishes, her newly-married daughter, Emily came up to her and said with a lot of concern, "Hey Mom - please don't bother with the dishes. Today is Mother's Day and you can't be doing this, you can always do them tomorrow."

Football jokes-Coach

What is the main function of the Indian coach?

To transport the team from the hotel to the playground.

Really funny jokes-Good news for convict

Jerry Pinto, the lawyer pays a visit to his client on death row, and says to him, "I have some good news for you, George."

George, the client says, "What good news can there possibly be? You lost my case, I was convicted of a murder I did not commit, and I've been sentenced to die in the electric chair!"

Jerry Pinto, the lawyer says, "Yes, but I got the voltage reduced."

Short funny jokes-Women’s lives

Women’s lives are healthier and more satisfactory compared to men.

Reason: Women don’t have wives!

Hilarious jokes-Tension

A man was suffering from insomnia and went to see a doctor. After a thorough checkup, the doctor declared, “The only remedy for this suffering is not to take tension with you when you go to bed.”

Patient replies, “That’s exactly what I have been telling my wife. But she is not prepared to use the guest room.”

Ollie and Lena jokes

Doctor to Lena: “Madam, your husband is really critical. See that he remains in a good mood. Don’t make demands that trouble him, don’t discuss your problems, if any, with him. If you continue to follow all these instructions along with good homemade food, he is likely to survive.”

When Lena reached home, Ollie asked: “What was the report? What did the doctor say?”

Lena: “Oh, nothing much. There is little chance of your survival.”

Short funny jokes-Dumbest actress

Q: How can you tell the dumbest actress working on a movie?

A: She’s the one sleeping with the writer.

Really funny jokes-Catchy tune

Mike and his wife Dara were walking across Southsea Common one Sunday afternoon. In the bandstand the combo was playing a catchy sounding tune, and Dara said, "I wonder what the name of that tune is."

Mike noticed that there was a sign posted near the bandstand and said, "It looks like they post the titles of the tunes they play. I'll go down and see."

A while later Mike returned and said to Dara, "It's one I don't know, it's called 'The Refrain from Spitting'."

Lawyers, the butt of jokes

Here are some amazing examples of lawyers cross-questioning in court.

Q: ...and what did he do then?
A: He came home and next morning he was dead.
Q: So when he woke up the next morning was he dead?

Q: Could you see him from where you were standing?
A: I could see his head.
Q: And where was his head?
A: Just above his shoulders.

Q: The truth of the matter is that you were not an unbiased, objective witness, isn't it. You, too, were shot in the fracas?
A: No, sir. I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval.

Q: Now, Mrs Brown, how was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And, by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?
A: I will be three months November 8th.
Q: Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: What were you and your husband doing at that time?

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies have been on dead people.

Really funny jokes-Bizarre bank robbery

The town's bank manager called the police station to report a robbery.

'You'll never believe what happened, Sergeant. A truck backed up to my bank, the doors opened. Out comes these robbers and they lead an elephant out of the truck. The elephant then breaks through my plate glass window, sticks his trunk in, sucks up all the money. Then the gang lead the elephant back into the truck. The robbers close the truck doors and the truck pulled away.'

The desk sergeant said, 'Could you tell me, for identification purposes, whether it was an African elephant or an Indian elephant?'

'How can you tell the difference?' asked the bank manager.

'Well,' said the sergeant, 'The African elephant has great big ears whereas the Indian elephant has little ears. So which kind of elephant was used in the robbery?'

'How should I know? I couldn't see his ears,' said the bank manager. 'He had a stocking over his head.'

One line jokes-Tennis player

Don't marry a tennis player - love means nothing to them.

Kids jokes-Low marks

Mother: Why did you get such a low marks on that test?

Junior: Because of absence.

Mother: You mean you were absent on the day of the test?

Junior: No, but the kid who sits next to me was.

Really funny jokes-Know Your Taters

Some people never seem motivated to participate, but are just content to watch while others do the work.
They are called 'Spec Taters'.

Some people never do anything to help, but are gifted at finding fault with the way others do the work.
They are called 'Comment Taters'.

Some people are very bossy and like to tell others what to do, but don't want to soil their own hands.
They are called 'Dick Taters'.

Some people are always looking to cause problems by asking others to agree with them. It is too hot or too cold, too sour or too sweet.
They are called 'Aggie Taters'.

There are those who say they will help, but somehow just never get around to actually doing the promised help.
They are called 'Hezzie Taters'.

Some people can put up a front and pretend to be someone they are not.
They are called 'Immy Taters'.

Then there are those who love others and do what they say they will. They are always prepared to stop whatever they are doing and lend a helping hand. They bring real sunshine into the lives of others.
They are called 'Sweet Po Taters'.

Funny jokes-Safe and sound

Husband returned from office and wife drew a breath of relief: “Thank lord. Good that you are safe and sound.”

Husband: “Why, what’s wrong?”

Wife: “A few persons were talking near our window that a dumb looking man got crushed under a car.”

What Santa taught me about Life

What Santa taught me about Life

• Encourage people to believe in you.
• Always remember who's naughty and who's nice.
• Don't pout.
• It's as much fun to give as it is to receive.
• Some days it's ok to feel a little chubby.
• Make your presents known.
• Always ask for a little bit more than what you really want.
• Bright red can make anyone look good.
• Wear a wide belt and no-one will notice how many pounds you've gained.
• If you only show up once a year, everyone will think you're very important.
• Whenever you're at a loss for words, say: "HO, HO, HO!"

History jokes-Christopher Columbus

Christopher Columbus was the best deal maker in history. He left not knowing where he was going, and upon arriving, not knowing where he was. He returned not knowing where he had been, and did it all on borrowed money.

Funny jokes-TV repairman

Tracy's television was not working, so she called in a repairman to fix it. When the repair guy was almost done with his job, Tracy heard her husband's key in the lock.

"Hurry," she urged the repairman, "You'll have to hide. My husband is insanely jealous."

There was no time to run out the back door, so the repairman hid inside the TV console.

Tracy's husband, David came in and made himself comfortable in his favorite sofa to watch some football.

Inside the TV, the repairman was all squeezed up and getting hotter and hotter.

Finally, he couldn't stand it anymore, he climbed out, marched across the room and out the front door.

The husband looked at the TV set, looked at his wife, looked back at the set again and said, "I didn't see the referee send that guy off the field, did you?"

Kissing the secretary

One fine morning Dean came early into the office and caught his subordinate,Martin kissing his secretary.

Angered, Dean screamed: “Martin, do I pay you good salary for doing this?”

Martin: “No sir, I am doing this for free.”

Funny jokes-Lies of a Graduate student

Top 10 Lies Told By A Graduate Student

1. No really, I'll be out of here in only two more years.

2. My job prospects look really good.

3. The department is giving me so much support.

4. I just have one more book to read and then I'll start writing.

5. I turned down a lot of great job offers to come here.

6. Your latest article was so inspiring.

7. I would never date an undergraduate.

8. My work has a lot of practical importance.

9. I'd be delighted to proofread your book/article.

10. It doesn't bother me at all that my college roommate is making $80,000 a year on Wall Street.

Teacher jokes-Zero

Mark: I don't think I deserve a zero on this test.


Teacher: I agree, but it's the lowest mark I can give you.

Really funny jokes-Lost everything

Two girls were sitting in a coffee shop.

First: “My boyfriend, poor soul……lost everything in business.”

Second: “Good lord, you must be worried.”

First: “Oh yes, I keep worrying....after my marriage who is he going to confide in and share his sorrows with!"

Hilarious jokes-Story line

Jany was reading a story from a book to her daughter. The daughter interrupted: “Mom, why does every story start with ‘Once upon a time’? Isn’t there any other line?”

Mom: “Sure there is. There's another line which begins like ‘Dear, there is a meeting in the office and I will be late.....’”

Funny jokes-Abstract noun

The English teacher Mrs. Brown was teaching nouns on a Wednesday morning. She said to her class, "An abstract noun is something you can think of, but you can't touch it. Who can give give me an example of one?"

"I can," said Sam, a teenager. "My father's new car."

Really funny jokes-General director

Mark met his former class-mate, Bruce and they had a good talk about their school days.

The topic diverted to their current occupations.

“I am a general director of my own company,” boasted Bruce.

“But I came to know from common friends that you were just a director,” said Mark.

“It was earlier when I was alone, but now I hired a guy, and there are two people in the company - he is the director, and I am the general director.”

Hilarious jokes-Market broker

I'm thinking of leaving my husband, complained Amy, my yoga batch mate and the wife of a stock market broker. "All he ever does is stand at the end of the bed and tell me how good things are going to be."

Really funny jokes-Biggest feet

Val, a Norwegian, had a son, Val Junior who was studying in the fourth standard. One day Val Junior returned from school and asked his father: “I have the biggest feet in the fourth grade, is it because I am a Norwegian?”

Val Senior: “No. It’s because you are eighteen.”

One line jokes-When baking

Include your children when baking your cookies.