Hilarious jokes-What kind of pepper?

Monsieur Pierre was staying in a hotel in Mexico.

He called room service and said, "I need pepper."

The attendant asked, "Black pepper, or chilli pepper?"

Monsieur Pierre yelled, "Toilette pepper!"

Elevator jobs

Bubba, an electrical technician, was out of work.

His friend suggested he take up some elevator jobs in new constructions close by.

Bubba said, "Nope, I don't do elevator jobs."

"Why??" the friend asked.

Bubba replied, "I don't know the route."

The smart carpenter

Andy, a carpenter by profession, had witnessed an accident and was summoned to court to give evidence.

The defendant's lawyer tried to discredit him by asking several tricky questions. One of the questions was, "How far were you from the accident site?"

Andy replied, "Thirty one feet, three and a half inches."

The lawyer asked, "What???! How can you be so sure and precise about that distance?"

Andy said, "Well, I knew sooner or later someone stupid would ask me. So I measured it!"

A busy MBA student

Betty, who was pursuing her MBA in Finance at Harvard, had become too busy with her studies, classes, projects and part-time job.

She realized how long she had been out of touch with her parents when she received the following e-mail from her mother:

"Dear Betty, your father and I enjoyed your last e-mail. Of course, we were much younger then, and more impressionable. Love, Mom."

Funny jokes-Unique birthday gift

Joe, a billionaire, was in a dilemma. His wife's birthday was approaching and he didn't have a clue what to gift her. There was nothing that she didn't already have.

So, when he shared his problem with a friend, the friend suggested, "I have a great idea. You can prepare a certificate for her which declares she can have three hours of great love making, and in any manner she likes. She should be delighted!"

Joe followed his friend's advise. The next day, when Joe met his friend, his buddy asked, "So, did you take my advice? How did it go? Did you have fun?"

Joe replied, "Oh, she loved it. She was ecstatic, couldn't thank me enough - she kissed me, and ran out of the house, shouting, "I will be back in three hours!"

The wise king's decision

Two women approach the King of Persia, dragging between them a young man called Arya.

"This young man promised to marry my daughter," said one of the women.

"No! Arya agreed to marry my daughter," said the other woman.

The two women kept on arguing in front of the King, until he called for silence.

The king announced, "I have a solution to your problem. I will cut this young man into two pieces with my sword. You will both receive a half."

"I am fine with the idea," said the first woman. But the other woman cried, "Oh King, please do not kill this man. Let the other woman have him and marry him to her daughter."

The wise king had taken his decision. He announced, "This young man, Arya must marry the daughter of the first lady."

"But that's unfair!" exclaimed the court.

The wise King said,"As she was willing to see the young man cut in two, it proves she is indeed the TRUE mother-in-law!"

The crash landing

Jerry, the test pilot in the Air Force, climbs out of the experimental plane, all bruised and battered. The wings and tail of the plane are torn off in the crash landing. The rescue team arrives, and one of the rescuers, seeing Jerry in a bloody mess, asks him,"What happened?"

Jerry, looking very pale, replies, "I don't know, I just got here myself!"

Funny jokes-Origins

There guys were discussing the origins of human beings and where did Adam and Eve come from.

Jack, the British guy, said, "They have to be British, only a gentleman would share his last apple with a woman."

Pierre, the French guy claimed, "There is no doubt they were French. The French are so good at seducing women."

Bob, the American commented, "My guess is they were Russian. After all, who else could roam around naked, survive on one apple between the two of them and still feel they were in paradise?"

Spinster or widow?

Jack and Harold, both in their seventies and both bachelors, were sipping cappuccino in a coffee shop.

Jack said, “Harold, I know it's a little late in my life, but I feel I should get married. What do you say?”

Harold replied, "Sure, why not? Any age is a good age. I think you should go ahead.”

Jack continues, “But I am in two minds, whether to marry a spinster or a widow.”

Harold, “I suggest you marry a spinster. She will anyways become a widow in no time.”

Flasher repair

Dean was recruited in police department as a car mechanic. One day, his superior told him to repair flashers on the top. Dean tried his best but could not get the flashers working. Finally, he took the car to a garage in the city.

Next day his superior inquired about the flashers. Dean said: “Yes boss, they are working fine now. But I had to take the car to the garage to get them working. I thought the mechanic there would fleece me. But all he did was to add 78 dollars worth of blinker fluid.”

Funny jokes-Bowels

Doctor lecturer to medical students: “Our body is made of three parts, one of the three being abdominal cavity. Can anyone tell me what abdominal cavity contains?”

Tom: “Yes sir, abdominal cavity contains bowels-A E I O U.”

Two mothers-in-law

Danny was being tried for Bigamy in a court.

After the judge passed his sentence, he asked Danny, "Have you learnt your lesson and realized what a bad thing it is to have more than one wife."

"Yes, your honor, I have," he replied.

"What is it that you realized?" the judge asked.

Danny replied, "Having two wives means having two mothers-in-law, and that, in itself, should be grounds enough to support assisted suicide."

Celebrity jokes-Doughnuts for Bob Marley

Chike says to his Friend Akono, "Guess how does Bob Marley like his doughnuts?"

Akono guesses, "With Chocolate flavor?"

Chike replies, "Wi' jam in! ('We jammin')"

Nervous expectant fathers

There are 4 impatient men nervously pacing the floor of a nursing home, waiting for their wives to give birth.

A nurse comes of the delivery room and says to Robert, the first expectant dad, "Congratulations, you've twins!"

Robert says excitedly. "Oh! What a coincidence, I work at the Petronas Twin Towers".

Another nurse comes out of the room and tells the second expectant father, Mike, "Congratulations, your wife gave birth to triplets!"

"Wow!! What an amazing coincidence!" says Mike "I work for 3M."

Another nurse comes out of the room and tells the third expectant father, Jason, "Congratulations! Your wife has got quadruplets!"

Jason exclaims, "Oh my God! This has to be some coincidence. I work at Four Seasons Hotel!"

Meanwhile, Kumar, the fourth expectant father seems to be worried and breaks into a sweat.

The other 3 fathers ask him, "What's the matter? Why are you so worried?"

Kumar replies, "Well.... I work at Seven-Eleven!"

Hyderabadis in Heaven

The Indian city of Hyderabad is famous for it's culture and etiquette of it's inhabitants. There is a joke on Hyderabadis (Residents of Hyderabad) :

Why aren't there any Hyderabadis in Heaven yet?

Because they are all standing at the gates, saying to each other: "Pehle aap" ("After you" in Hindi), "Nahee, pehle aap" ("No, I insist after you.")

Cow dispute!

Dean and Martin lived in the country and owned small farms. One day, one of Dean's cows entered Martin's farm and Martin began to claim that it was his cow.

A fight broke out between the two. Dean went to town and came back with a lawyer so that the lawyer could assess the situation.

Dean took the lawyer to Martin's farm and again there was a quarrel. Dean started pulling the cow by the tail, while Martin was pulling the animal by the horns. Suddenly the lawyer could not be seen. He was found lying on the ground milking the cow.

Dining experience

Sara: I had a dream last night. I was on the Moon dining in a restaurant.

Tina : Oh really? How was the food?

Sara : The food was good, but there was no atmosphere.

Moving in with Mother-in-Law

When the doctor told Jim he had only 8 months to live, Jim was heart-broken and inconsolable. When he finally got a hold on himself, he met his old pal, Derrick in the pub and told him all about his appointment with the doctor.

Jim said to Derrick, "I have decided to move in with my mother-in-law."

Derrick asked with surprise, "Why is that?"

Jim replied, "Living with her for 8 months will seem like forever."

Military wisdom

Military wisdom

"If the enemy is in range, so are you." - Infantry Journal

"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed." - U.S. Air Force Manual

"Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons." - General MacArthur

"You, you, and you.... Panic. The rest of you, come with me." - U.S. Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt.

"Tracers work both ways." - U.S. Army Ordnance

"Five second fuses only last three seconds." - Infantry Journal

"Any ship can be a minesweeper. Once."

Heart beat

Rita: What can you do to increase the heart beat of my 65-year-old husband?

Anita:Tell him he looks handsome.

Dealing with unwanted calls

Tina says to her friend, Mick, "I am tired of these marketing calls and promotional offers that I keep getting on my cellphone."

Mick says, "You should follow my idea. Every time I get such a call, I answer 'This is the local sperm bank. You jack it, we pack it. How may I help you?'"

A very embarrassing moment

Jim and Clara had invited an old friend to their home for dinner.

When dessert was served to the guest, Clara apologized for not having any cheese to go with the apple pie.

Hearing this, their little son, Jack slipped down from his chair and disappeared, then returned in a minute with a small piece of cheese. He shyly placed on the guest’s plate.

“Thank you, young man,” said the guest as he popped the cheese in his mouth, “That must be the last piece you found. Where did you find it?”

Flushing with pride, little Jack answered, "Oh it was in the mousetrap."

Not that far!

Class teacher: “Children, we going to have a lesson on the sun tomorrow. Everyone must attend.”

One small boy: “Miss, I can’t.”

Teacher: “Why is that?”

The little boy: “I am sure my mother will not allow me to go that far without her.”

Skipping helps!

Tina and Carla are discussing weight loss.

Looking at her overweight friend, Tina comments, "You know the best way way to lose weight is by skipping..........................fried snacks and dessert."

Buzzer for the blind

Tina was walking down the street with her boyfriend. When the stoplight on the corner buzzed indicating it was safe to cross the street, while crossing the road she asked her boyfriend, "What is the buzzer for?"

Her boyfriend explained, "Well, it signals blind people when the light is red."

Horrified, she responded, "Why the heck would blind people drive??"

Grandpa's learnings

Grandpa's learnings

#*# I've learned that it is not what you wear; it is how you take it off.

#*# I've learned that you can keep vomiting long after you think you're finished.

#*# I've learned to not sweat the petty things, and not pet the sweaty things.

#*# I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.

Praise the Almighty

Mrs. Smith, an old lady who lived in the countryside, had a peculiar habit. She would step onto her front porch every morning, raise her arms to the sky, and yell, "Praise the Almighty!"

Her new neighbor, Mr. Fowler who had just moved in, happened to be an atheist. Mr. Fowler didn't like Mrs. Smith's morning ritual. So, he would retaliate by stepping onto his front porch after her and shouting: "There's no Almighty!".

Time passed with the two of them carrying on the same way every day.

One morning, when it was bitter cold, Mrs. Smith stepped onto her front porch and yelled: "Praise the Almighty! I have no food and I am starving, provide for me, oh Almighty!"

The next morning when she stepped out onto her porch, she saw a big bag of groceries lying there.

"Praise the Almighty!" she cried out. "He has provided groceries for me!"

Her atheist neighbor, Mr. Fowler jumped out of the bushes and shouted: "There is no Almighty. I bought those groceries!"

Mrs. Smith threw her arms into the air and shouted: "Praise the Almighty! He has provided groceries for me and made the Devil pay for it!!!"

Baby tomato

Tom: What did the father tomato ask the baby tomato to do while on a family jog?

Jerry : He asked the baby tomato to Ketchup.

One line jokes-Engineer

You have the right to call yourself an engineer if you can use coat hangers and duct tape for something other than hanging coats and taping ducts.

Really funny jokes-Leo's plans

Leo, a patient in a mental hospital was being interviewed by a reviewing committee to determine whether he could be released.

Leo was asked what he would do if they let him go. He answered, "I plan to make a slingshot, come back here and break every damn window in this place."

He was not allowed to go.

A few months later, the committee was again considering Leo's release and again he was asked the same question. There was no change in his reply "I plan to make a slingshot, come back here and break every damn window in this place."

Again, Leo was sent back to his confinement.

Leo happened to talk to another patient and told him his story. The other patient gave him a piece of advise. He said, "If you continue to give the same answer, you'll never get released. You need to tell them what they want to hear." With that, the other patient whispered something into Leo's ears.

Leo was now ready to be reviewed again.
So, in the third review meeting, Leo was asked again what he would do if he was allowed to go.

Leo was prepared this time. He said, "The first thing I'm going to do is find myself a job and a decent house to live" he said.

"Very good," a committee member commented. "and then what?"

"I want to meet a nice girl and start dating her." he replied.

The committee felt that Leo was making good progress. "And then what?" they asked.

"Well, when we have some privacy, I would like to make passionate love to my girlfriend. I will take her dress off, remove her bra, then gently slide her panties off her legs."

Now the committees were really getting excited. "Then what are you going to do?" they asked.

"Then," he replied, "I'm going to take the elastic out of those panties, make myself a slingshot, come back here and break every damn window in this place!"

In bunches

Tom : The bananas never seem to be lonely. Why?

Jerry: Don't you know they always come in bunches!

Some more reasons not to buy a Used Sofa

You may not want to buy a used sofa when you make any of the following observations:

1. There's a large red tag on it marked "Evidence".

2. The cushions begin crawling away.

3. The fabric on the back has been repaired with a "Rebel And Proud" bumper sticker.

4. The owner asks you to sign a waiver.

5. What you thought was powdered sugar from a doughnut appears to be moving.

6. It appears to have reached its present location by being dragged several miles on its side.

7. The owner appears to be scratching himself rather frequently.

8. The owner seems reluctant to actually sit on or touch it himself.

9. A tag on the back says "Property of Blessed Hope Mission".

10. It has its own nickname.

11. More than a dozen people know its nickname.

12. More than a hundred people know its nickname from a story in the local paper.

13. Someone appears to have constructed a drink holder on the armrest with a hacksaw, a torch, and a glue-gun.

14. There are mushrooms growing on the back.

15. It seems to generate its own heat.

16. Stuffing is protruding from bullet holes.

17. There appears to be more duct tape than vinyl on the cushions.

18. It growls when you sit on it.

19. It has a faint smell of ammonia.

20. Integral parts of its structure have been replaced with a garden hoe, a flasher barricade, and the drop gate from a railroad crossing.

21. The bottom is covered with asphalt and/or straw.

22. There's a coin slot on the armrest.

23. There are labels in various spots that say "No Step".

24. The owner occasionally pauses to pick things off of it and taste them.

25. It appears to have been spray-painted its present color.

26. You hear scampering noises inside.

27. The owner offers to throw in a free:
+ can of Lysol
+ can of Raid
+ flyswatter
+ flea collar
+ ant trap
+ vial of penicillin

28. Under the cushions you find:
+ half a bottle of ketchup
+ empty shotgun shells
+ an entire squirrel skeleton
+ Jimmy Hoffa's wallet
+ a glass eye
+ ticket stubs from the 1939 World's Fair
+ used prophylactics
+ the muffler from a '72 Dodge

22 Reasons not to buy a used sofa

You do not want to buy a used sofa when the owner says:

1. "That stain was the best fifty bucks I ever made."

2. "Have you had your shots?"

3. "If you find any fingers in there, pack 'em in ice and give us a call."

4. "It's almost dry, but you may need to wring the cushions out."

5. "It was a present to my Great Aunt Erma after her bladder surgery."

6. "It only smells this way when it's humid."

7. "You can have those Fritos."

8. "I once spent ten days tied to this couch."

9. "It's non-flammable, unless you really try."

10. "It should be clean, we hosed it off."

11. "Watch that spring, it gave me some nasty scars."

12. "It can even float for nearly an hour."

13. "You like the smell of beer, don't you?"

14. "It's not supposed to fold out, but it will if you push hard enough."

15. "I guess olive and orange were popular colors back then."

16. "It used to be a lot longer."

17. "You'll need the brick to keep it level, unless you've got a saw."

18. "AmVets and GoodWill wouldn't take it."

19. "Don't smoke near it."

20. "You can hardly tell where they hurled."

21. "The fire hardly touched this side."

22. "It fell off a truck. At least, I figure it did, since we found it by the highway."

Funny conversation with Technical support

Customer: I get an "Access Denied" message every time I log in.

Tech Support: Did you type the Username and password correctly?

Customer: Yes I did.

Tech Support: Did you type in Capital letters?

Customer: Yes I did.

Tech Support: That's the problem. Now let's try once more, but use lower case letters.

Customer: But my keyboard has only capital letters. What should I do?

Kids jokes-Politics

An English teacher said in class, "Students, can anyone of you give me a sentence with politics in it."

Suzie raised her hand and answered, "My Cat Poly ate a clock, and now, polytics."

Hilarious jokes-An embarrassing moment

There was a dinner party at the Smith residence. While all the guests were were involved in animated conversation, Mr. and Mrs. Smith's two little children, Billy and Ana, entered the dinning room stark naked and walked slowly around the table.

Mr. and Mrs. Smith were so embarrassed that they pretended nothing was happening and kept the conversation going. The guests cooperated and also continued with their conversations as if nothing strange was happening.

After making a complete round of the room, the two kids left, and there was a moment of silence at the table, when little Billy said to little Ana, “You see, it is vanishing cream!”

Bicycle busting

Little Bobby always wanted to own a Hercules bicycle, so when his dad bought him one, Bobby was overjoyed. He spent most of his summer vacations riding his brand new bike, ringing the bicycle's bell and waving at all the jealous kids in the neighborhood. One day, some bullies in the locality stopped him, then drew a circle in the dirt road and told him, "Stay inside this circle. If you step out, you will get the thrashing of your life."

Then they picked up some iron rods and started hitting his new Hercules bicycle with the rods. When they were finished busting the bicycle, they looked back at Little Bobby and saw him smiling. They hit the bicycle some more, and he was still smiling. They walked up to him and asked, "Why the grin on your face? Don't you realize we smashed your new bike!"

Bobby said, "I know, but you never noticed I stepped out of the circle 12 times."

Funny jokes-A pill a day

Paul had been to the doctor's and when he returned home, his wife Rita noticed he looked depressed.

Rita asked, "Hey, what's the problem? What did the Doctor say?"

Paul answered, "Dr. Mathews told me I have to take a pill every day for the rest of my life."

Rita commented, "That's not a big deal. Lots of people take medicines every day of their lives."

Paul said in an irritated tone, "I know, I know....but he only gave me five pills!"

A potato's nationality

Two Indian potatoes were sitting on the chopping table of a fast food joint.

One potato said to the other, "I’m about to change my nationality."

"How will you do that?" the other potato asked.

The first potato replied, "By becoming French fries!"

Kids jokes-Father's income

The Mathematics teacher, Mrs. Simpson, had a question for Little Bernie. She asked, "Tell me Bernie, if your Father's income was $ 100 and he gave half of it to your mother, what would she get?"

Little Bernie was quick to answer, "A heart attack!"

One line jokes-Economist

An economist is a person who doesn't know what he's talking about - and make you feel guilty about it.

Morning news at Training camp

In an army training camp, the drill sergeant made his morning announcement to the fresh recruits: "Today, gentlemen, I have some good news and some bad news to share with you. First, the good news- Private Brian will be setting the pace on our morning run.”

Hearing this, the platoon cheered, as Private Brian was overweight and very slow. But then the drill sergeant finished his statement: "Now for the bad news. Private Brian will be driving a truck."

Hilarious jokes-Choice of Wine

Dennis is a rich playboy who often dates beautiful women. At a party, he meets a good looking brunette and soon they are lost in conversation. He takes her to his majestic bungalow and he soon finds out that she hails from a good family, is well groomed and is quite intelligent.

In order to impress her, Dennis shows off his collection of expensive paintings and sculptures, and offers her a glass of wine.

He asked whether she preferred Red or White wine and she answered,
"Oh, White wine by all means. To me, it's the nectar of the gods. Just looking at it in a crystal-clear decanter fills me with a n amazing sense of anticipation. When the stopper is removed and the dazzling liquid is poured into my glass, I inhale the enchanting aroma and I'm lifted on the wings of ecstasy. It seems as though I'm about to drink a magic potion and my whole being begins to glow. The sound of a thousand violins being softly played fills my ears and I'm transported into another world. Red wine, on the other hand, makes me fart."

Short joke-Banana

Little Johnny: Tell me what made the banana go to the doctor?

Little Bobby: Did it have fever?

Little Johnny: No, it went cos it wasn’t peeling well!

Keep it simple

Three cobblers arrived in a town to try their luck and opened shop in the same lane.

John, the first cobbler, put a notice outside his door, “The best cobbler in the city”.

Not to be outdone, the second cobbler, Danny, hung a bigger notice that said,“The best cobbler in the world.”

The third cobbler, Michael, was wondering what to do and how to beat the best cobbler in the city and the best cobbler in the world.

An idea struck him. The next morning, he found quite a few customers waiting when he opened his shop. The notice on his door simply said, “The best cobbler in the lane.”

Sardar jokes-Buried at Sea

Well, there was this Sardar who wanted to be buried at sea after he died.

Guess what, four other Sardars drowned digging his grave.

Doctor jokes-Bird hunting

Three buddies, a General Practitioner, a physician and a Surgeon go shooting in the weekend. They see a flying bird and the General Practitioner says, "Looks like a Crane Hawk to me, but I am not sure."

The Physician says, "Well, it's wingspan seems to be that of a Crane Hawk, I am almost certain it is a Crane Hawk. But I couldn't exclude it being a Norther Goshawk.."

The Surgeon shoots the bird and waits for it to drop to the ground.

Holding the bird up, the Surgeon comments, "It was a Crane Hawk!"

Cat's birthday

It was my cat, Toby's 3rd birthday and I was worrying about buying a birthday present for her.

My wife commented, "Why don't you look something up in the CAT-ALOGUE".

Really funny jokes-First parachute jump

Dean was trying his first parachute jump. The trainer said: “You count slowly up to ten, than pull the first cord. If it doesn’t open, you have the option of the second cord. That’s it. When you reach down a car will be there for you.”

Off Dean jumped, counted ten and pulled the cord. Nothing happened. Unmoved, he pulled the second cord. That too failed. Now in panic, as he went down he thought: “Just my luck, I know that car won’t be there either.”

Funny jokes-In the country

Rita, a city girl was on her way to Arizona. Midway through her car broke down. She was in a soup and didn’t know what to do. Out of the blue, an Indian came on his horse. He asked Rita if he could help. She told him it would help if he took her to the nearest town where she could find a mechanic. The Indian agreed and Rita climbed up and settled behind him on the horse. The ride was smooth but every now and then the Indian would exclaim: “Aaaaa……ha” and took a big sigh. This happened a few times.

Finally when they reached town, the rider found a mechanic and dropped her there. Rita narrated the incident to the mechanic. Surprised, the mechanic asked what Rita had done to the Indian.

Rita said: “I did nothing except sit behind him, put my hands around him and hold the saddle horn for support to steady myself.”

The mechanic said, “Ma'am, just for record, Indians don’t use saddles.”