Really funny jokes-High

You know you are really high when:

1. It takes an hour to cook minute rice.
2. You sell your car for gas money.
3. You think a quarterback is a refund.
4. Your friend takes a hit and says, that stone got me really hit.

Adult jokes-Cold hands

A couple decided to Alaska for a romantic weekend. When they got to the cabin it was cold so the wife asked her husband to go chop some wood for that fire place.

He came in after 5 minutes and told his wife that his hands were cold, so she said her put your hands between my thighs to warm them. So he did and went back outside to finish chopping wood.

He came in after another 5 minutes and said honey my hands are cold again. So she tells him here put your hands between my thighs to warm them. So he did and then he went back out to chop some more wood.

5 minutes have passed and he went in again and said, honey my hands are cold again. She then said, Damn don't your ears ever get cold?

Hilarious jokes-A little accident

I was on my way home to Klerksdorp when a woman driving an old Peugeot 505 in front of me brushed a young girl driving a very clean Honda Accord. This young girl got out of the car and started insulting the woman, who was old enough to at least be her mother or Aunt.

All efforts by passers-by to pacify her proved abortive as she said the car was bought by her boyfriend... I just watched and sympathized with the woman. She told the girl she'd fix the car but it was already evening, getting late and she had no money on her unless the girl followed her home if her hubby could help. The girl kept screaming as people tried to beg on behalf of the woman.

The girl blatantly refused and decided to call her boyfriend saying: Baby, a stupid woman just hit my car". The car you bought me. The man appeared in no minute ready to please his girlfriend by raining insult on the woman. On getting there, he started shouting, "Where is the stupid woman that hit your car", only to realise the woman was his wife.

WHAT WOULD YOU DO?

Clean jokes-BMW

Ann: I'm told you have BMW.
Liza: Yes, it is true.
Ann: How much did it cost you?
Liza: Ten meals a day.
Ann: Do you mean ten million dollars?
Liza: No. I mean what I say. It is ten meals a day, literally.
Ann: What are talking about?
Liza: About my BMW – Body-Mass Weight!

One line jokes-Road to success

The road to success is marked with many tempting parking places.

Funny jokes-Rotten day

It's Going To Be A Rotten Day When...

*You wake up face down on the pavement.
*You call suicide prevention and they put you on hold.
*You see a 60 Minutes news team waiting in your office.
*Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.
*You want to put the clothes you wore home from the party and there aren't any.
*You turn on the news and they're showing emergency routes out of the city.
*Your twin sister forgot your birthday.
*Your car horn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you follow a group of Hell's Angles onto the freeway.
*Your boss tells you not to bother taking off your hat.
*The bird singing outside your window is a buzzard.
*You wake up and your braces are locked together.
*You call your answering service and they tell you it's none of your business.
*Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife.
*Your income check bounces.
*You put both contact lenses in the same eye.
*Your pet rock snaps at you.
*Your wife says "Good morning, Bill" and your name is George.

Practical jokes-Robbing a bank

A true story out of San Francisco...

A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch & wrote "this iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag."

While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller's window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo.

After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America.

Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, "OK" and left. He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.

Teacher jokes-Puns

* The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.

* The professor discovered that his theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.

Good jokes-Exotic and psychotic

What's the difference between exotic and psychotic?

Exotic is wearing a French tickler, psychotic is wearing French toast.

Nasty jokes-Yo Mama

Yo mama's so nasty, she pours salt water in her drawers to keep the crabs alive.
Yo mama's so nasty, she puts ice down her drawers to keep the crabs fresh.
Yo mama's so nasty, when she did the splits, she stuck to the floor.
Yo mama's so nasty, she has more crabs then Red Lobster.
Yo mama's so nasty, her crabs use her tampon string as a bungee cord.

Really funny jokes-Golfing Priest

A young man and a priest are playing together. At a short par-3 the priest asks, "What are you going to use on this hole, my son?"

The young man says, "An iron, father. How about you?"

The priest says, "I'm going to hit a soft seven and pray."

The young man hits his iron and puts the ball on the green. The priest tops his iron and dribbles the ball out a few yards.

The young man says, "I don't know about you, father, but in my church when we pray we keep our heads down."

Funny jokes-Sorority girl and elephant

What is the difference between a sorority girl and an elephant?
About 40 lbs.

How do you equalize the two?
Feed the elephant.

Clean jokes-Threatening letter

A wholesale dealer who had a lot of trouble in getting a certain retailer to pay his bills finally lost patience and wrote the merchant a threatening letter.

He received the following reply:

"Dear Sir: What do you mean by writing me a letter like that? Every month I place all my bills in a hat and then figure out how much money I have to pay on my accounts. Then I have my bookkeeper draw as many bills out of the hat as I have money to pay. If you don't like my way of doing business, I won't even put your bills in the hat."

Redneck jokes-Maturity

Question: What is the redneck definition of redneck maturity?

Answer: An eight year old girl who can run faster than her brothers.

Funny jokes-My stupid brother

My Stupid Brother

I wouldn't say my brother is stupid, but.......

...He keeps forgetting I'm an only child!


...He's depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

...He puts a bucket under the pipe when there's a gas leak.

...He has an intellect that is rivaled only by Egg plants.

...We have to make introductions around the breakfast table every morning.

...He stayed up all last night studying for his blood test.

...He sure makes my dog look smart!

...He studied all weekend for a urine test.

...He can't convert 0 feet to meters.

...He was supposed to try out for a part in Dumb and Dumber but forgot to turn up.

...He still checks the inside of his hands to see if "it" really will cause hair to grow!!

...He keeps forgetting he's my sister

...When my parents said they'd send him abroad, he asked how old she was

...But he had a battle of wits with a doorknob and lost.

...But he looked hard at the orange juice container because it said concentrate

...He forgotten that he's been dead for the last five years

...He got drunk, walked into the wall four times and said "Hey, I'm bricked in!"

...He stole a free cookie!

...He couldn't count his testicles and come up with the same number twice!

...He thinks a Toadstool is a well endowed frog

...When he got on the bus, he asked for a return. When the driver asked him
"Where to?" He replied "Back here!"

...It takes him an hour and a half to watch "60 Minutes"

...After joining the I.R.A. and being told to blow up a bus, he burnt his lips on the exhaust pipe

...He saw a sign that said "wet floor"... so he did.

...When mum said to take butter out from the fridge, he took the butter outdoors!

...He thinks Sherlock Holmes is a block of flats

...In his first airplane travel was astonished to see he was not becoming smaller in size

...I've seen bread dough with more intelligence.

...When they tested his I.Q., the score began with Minus.

...When they were handing out brains, he couldn't even find the line.

...But if you gave him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change back.

...He thinks a woman with crabs is a seafood delicacy.

...If he had one more IQ he'd be a pot plant.

...He had just learned to count to 21 when he got arrested for indecent exposure.

...Last night, when I turned of the lights he wrote a letter to God, asking him why he didn't pay his electric bill.

...He has to pull down his pants to count to 11

...He couldn't empty water from a boot if the instructions were written on the heel

...But then, I'm a blonde

...But I would give him a dollar for every thought he had, and still have from five dollars.

...He's trying to teach "sit up & beg" to his pet rock?

Hilarious jokes-Doorman

You'll remember also the Irishman who got a job as a doorman in a big building.

He managed very well with the PUSH and PULL signs, but he was seen struggling with his fingers under a door marked LIFT.

Really funny jokes-Getting older!

You Know You're Getting Older .....

- You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
- Everything that works hurts, and what doesn't hurt doesn't work.
- You feel like the morning after, and you haven't been anywhere.
- Your little black book only contains names ending in M.D.
- Your children are beginning to look middle-aged.
- Your mind makes contracts your body can't keep.
- You look forward to a dull evening.
- Your knees buckle and your belt won't.
- You sink your teeth into a steak, and they stay there.
- You know all the answers, but nobody asks the questions.
- You don't remember when your wild oats turned to prunes and all bran.
- You finally got your head together, now your body is falling apart.
- You don't remember being absent minded.
- "Getting a little action" means you don't need to take a laxative.
- Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.
- Tying one on means fastening your Medic Alert bracelet

Yo Mama jokes-Sells shade

Yo' momma's so fat, she goes to the beach and sells shade.

Short funny jokes-Hit by a car

A bus carrying five passengers was hit by a car in Boston, Massachusetts, but by the time police arrived on the scene, fourteen pedestrians had boarded the bus and had begun to complain of whiplash injuries and back pain.

Lawyer jokes-Run over

There is a truck driver driving along, and he stops and picks up a priest to give him a ride.

He’s driving down the highway and he sees a lawyer along the side of the road and things, “Hot damn! A lawyer that I could run over!” So he speeds up and heads straight for him.

At the last second he remembers the priest with him. So he swerves real quick to miss him, but still hears a thump. He looks behind, no sign of the lawyer.

He says to the priest “Wow, that was a close one, I almost hit that lawyer!”

The priest then replies “That’s ok son, I got him with my door.”

Really funny jokes-Difficult to decide

It was a difficult case for the jurors. They had to decide whether the owners of the Bottoms Up Club in NYC were guilty of obscenity. The Judge decided that it would probably be best if the jury went to the club and see the allegedly obscene act.

The judge and the jury watched the act once, focusing on the part where a hot couple performed the "Dance of Love" with a climactic scene of lovemaking on a bearskin rug. The jury was unable to decide definitely whether it was obscene or not. So the jury members asked to see the act one more time. They watched it carefully again. But they still couldn't reach a decision. So this time they asked the understudies to perform the same act one more time.

Fortunately, the police involved in the case were very understanding. According to the Detective: "It is a difficult matter. The police have watched the show 75 times."

Redneck jokes-Sweat

What do you call the sweat produced when two rednecks are making out?

Relative humidity.

Adult jokes-The Humming Sound

A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom.

When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.

'What are you doing?' she exclaimed.

The daughter replied, 'I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband.'

Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on the sofa with her vibrator.

'What are you doing?' he exclaimed.

The daughter replied, 'I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband.'

A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time in the living room. Upon entering the room, she found her husband watching television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him.

She asked, 'What are you doing?'

He replied, 'Watching the game with my son-in-law.'

Really funny jokes-Right in the Groove

A hippy walks into a Bar and Grill. The waiter comes up to him and asks him if he wants anything.

So the Hippy says 'Yeah a cheeseburger. Not too well done, not to rare, but right in the groove.'

So the waiter brings his burger and asks if he wants anything to drink.
He says 'A cup of tea. Not too hot, not too cold, but right in the Groove.'

The waiter's kinda getting pissed now, but he brings the tea and kinda slams it on the table. Little while later the waiter comes back and asks the Hippy if he wants any dessert. He says 'Yeah some ice cream. Not too chocolate, not too vanilla, but right in the Groove.'

So the waiter says 'Why dont you kiss my arse. Not the right cheek, not the left cheek, but right in the Groove!'

Animal jokes-Walk the dog

A little girl asks her mum, 'Mum, can I take the dog for a walk around the block?'

Mom replies 'No, because she is on heat.'

'What does that mean?' asked the child.

'Go and ask your father. I think he's in the garage.'

The little girl goes out to the garage and says, 'Dad, can I take Lulu for a walk around the block? I asked Mum, but she said the dog was on the heat, and to come ask you.'

He took a rag, soaked it in petrol, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent,
and said 'Ok, you can go now, but keep Lulu on the leash and only go one time around the block.

The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash..

Surprised, Dad asked, 'Where's Lulu?'

The little girl said, 'She ran out of petrol about halfway round the block... so another dog is pushing her home.'

Funny jokes-What does Husband do?

Ann: What does your husband do?

Liza: What a husband should do.

Ann: I’m not asking about the night, but the day.

Liza: OK. He does the same during the day too.

Ann: I’m asking what he does for a living!!

Liza: That’s what I’m answering. He is so excited all the time. Day or night, it doesn’t make any difference to him. He is always in the bedroom.

Ann: is he some kind of predating maniac?

Liza: No, not at all. He is always in bedrooms breaking the lockers. He is a burglar.

Good jokes-Woman and Volcano

What's the difference between a woman and a volcano?

A volcano never fakes an eruption.

Really funny jokes-Saying Grace

A Sunday School teacher was trying to explain about saying grace before meals. One of the pupils was the young son of the minister of that church, so she started the discussion by asking him, "Jerry, what does your father say when the family sits down to dinner?"

Jerry answered, "Dad says, 'Go easy on the butter, kids, it's three dollars a pound!'"

Redneck jokes-Qualities of an extreme species

You're An Extreme Redneck If...


1. You think the last words of the "Star-Spangled Banner" are
"Gentlemen, start your engines."

2. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.

3. The Halloween Pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.

4. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.

5. One of your kids was born on a pool table.

6. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

7. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.

8. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

Funny jokes-Whistle

TRAFFIC POLICEMAN: "Didn't you hear my whistle, madam?"

WOMAN DRIVER: "Yes, but I don't like flirting while I'm driving."

Animal jokes-New Dog Breeds

The following breeds are now recognized by the AKC:

Collie + Lhasa Apso = Collapso, a dog that folds up easy for transporting

Spitz + Chow Chow = Spitz-Chow, a dog that throws up alot

Pointer + Setter = Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet

Great Pyrenees + Dachshund = Pyradachs, a puzzling breed

Pekingnese + Lhasa Apso = Peekasso, an abstract dog

Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel = Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle

Newfoundland + Basset Hound = Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisers

Terrier + Bulldog = Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes

Bloodhound + Labrador = Blabador, not a popular dog with CIA agents

Malamute + Pointer = Moot Point, owned by... oh, well, it doesn't matter anyway

Collie + Malamute = Commute, a dog that travels to work

Deerhound + Terrier = Derriere, a dog that's true to the end

Really funny jokes-Jumped by thugs

Sister Mary Catherine and Sister Mary Elizabeth are walking through the park when they are jumped by two thugs. Their habits are ripped from them and the men begin to assault them.

Sister Mary Catherine casts her eyes heavenward and cries, "Forgive him Lord, for he knows not what he is doing!"

Mary Elizabeth turns and says, "Mine does..."

Adult jokes-Retirement

My nookie days are over, my pilot light is out.

What used to be my appeal, is now my water spout.

Time was when, of its own accords, from my trousers it would spring.

but now I have a full time job, just to find the blasted thing.

It used to be embarrassing, the way it would behave.

For every single morning, it would stand and watch me shave.

But now as old age approaches, it sure gives me the blues.

To see it hang its withered head, and watch me tie my shoes.

Short funny jokes-God's promise

While creating Husbands, God promised Women that good and ideal Husbands would be found in all corners of the world. . .

And then he made the earth round.

Really funny jokes-Big fan of the Pope

A shy gentleman was preparing to board a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight.

“This is exciting,” thought the gentleman. I’ve always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I’ll be able to see him in person. Imagine his surprise when the Pope sat down in the seat next to him for the flight. Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to the Pontiff.

Shortly after take-off, the Pope began a crossword puzzle. This is fantastic, thought the gentleman. I’m really good at crosswords. Perhaps, if the Pope gets stuck, he’ll ask me for assistance.

Almost immediately, the Pope turned to the gentleman and said, “Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word referring to a woman that ends in ‘u-n-t’?”

Only one word leapt to mind…my goodness, thought the gentleman, I can’t tell the Pope that. There must be another. The gentleman thought for quite a while, then it hit him. Turning to the pope, the gentleman said, “I think you’re looking for the word ‘aunt’.”

“Ah Of course,” said the Pope. “Do you have an eraser?”

One line jokes-Lawn mowers

Men are like.....Lawn Mowers. If you're not pushing one around, then you're riding it.

Funny jokes-Living in LA

Two men were sitting side by side on an airliner flying from Denver to Los Angeles.

The first man appeared nervous and finally explained that he was being transferred to LA. "I hate Los Angeles," he said.

"Everything you hear about LA is bad -- smog, traffic, and worst of all, the crime. Gangs everywhere, people getting shot and robbed, things stolen, car jackings, and everyone hates everyone else."

"Oh, it's not that bad," said the second man. "I live in LA myself. Most of that stuff you read is media hype. It's just not true. You'll find LA is just like any other city, anywhere in America."

"Really?" responded the first. "Boy, that makes me feel a lot better. You say you live in LA -- what do you do for a living?"

"I'm a tail gunner on a Bud Lite delivery truck."

Hilarious jokes-Surf riding

Then there was the Irishman who went surf-riding.

His horse drowned.

Really funny jokes-Game of darts

A very drunk man goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender serves him and asks him if he would like to try the bar game of darts. Three in the bulls eye and win a prize.. Only a dollar for three darts.

The drunk agrees and throws the first dart. A bulls eye!! He downs another drink, takes aim on wobbly feet, lets go...Two bulls eyes!!!! Two more quick drinks go down. Barely able to stand, he lets go of the last dart.

Three bulls eyes!!!

All are astounded. No one has ever won before. The bartender searches for a prize... grabs a turtle from the bar's terrarium and presents it to the drunk as his prize.

Three weeks pass... The drunk returns and orders more drinks, then announces he would like to try the dart game again. To the total amazement and wonderment of all the local drunks, he scores three more bulls eyes and demands his prize.

The bartender, being a sort of drunk himself, and a bit short of memory, doesn't know what to give, so he asks the drunk, "Say, what did you win the last time?"

And the drunk responds, "A roast beef sandwich on a hard roll!"

Redneck jokes-Extreme

You're An Extreme Redneck If...

1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.

3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

4. You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.

5. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.

6. Someone in your family died right after saying, "Hey, guys, watch this."

7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

9. Your junior prom offered day care.

Funny adult jokes-Lady Traffic Police officer

A man married a Lady Traffic Police officer. Friend, How was your first night?

Man, She charged Rs.100 from me for over speeding, Rs.200 for wrong side entry, Rs.500 for no helmet.

Good jokes-What Men call their Women

What Men Call Their Women


What's in a name? Apparently, a lot more than you (or I) ever thought there was. Here's what his pet name for you really means.....

Darling -- Depends on how he says it. If he stresses the first syllable, then he's probably done something wrong or wants money.

Dear -- Probably a leftover from his parents. Expect him to wear woolly cardigans, smoke a pipe and prefer a mug of Ovaltine to lager.

Sweetheart -- If it's said patronizingly, it's not so sweet. But when uttered in earnest, it may send your own sweet heart aflutter.

Babe -- Not to be confused with the film of the same name. Check for flares or signs that he's a 70s throwback. He's a bit of a medallion man. Chances are he's got his initials on his chunky ring. Leave immediately if he tries to sell you a second-hand car.

Baby doll -- This type of man will probably require you to wear transparent frilly nighties even in the dead of winter. He doesn't want you to grow up, and obviously can't deal with real women.

Princess -- Never trust a man who calls you princess. You may think you're being treated like royalty, but beware of Prince Charmings - they may be secretly plotting your over- throw.


My girlfriend -- He's honest, open and probably glad to have you around. The next thing you know he'll be using your name!

The wife -- If you're married then he probably thinks he owns you. If you're not, he probably thinks you act like his wife, in which case, he thinks he owns you.

My other half -- You complete the set - he's only half a man without you. But it may make you feel as though you are losing your identity somewhere.

The missus -- See The Wife.

My partner -- He's right on. Probably likes eating tofu and hugging trees.

My significant other -- He's even more right on. Probably thinks it's cruel to eat tofu and that trees need their own space.

She who must be obeyed -- He thinks you're a nag, but probably doesn't lift a finger around the house.

Really funny jokes-New suit

Abraham wanted a new suit, so he bought a nice piece of cloth and then tried to locate a tailor. The first tailor he visited looked at the cloth and measured Abraham, then told him the cloth was not enough to make a suit.

Abraham was unhappy with this opinion and sought another tailor. This tailor measured Abraham, then measured the cloth, and then smiled and said, "There is enough cloth to make a pair of trousers, a coat and a vest, please come back in a week to take your suit."

After a week Abraham came to take his new suit, and saw the tailor's son wearing trousers made of the same cloth.

Perplexed, he asked, "Just how could you make a full suit for me and trousers for your son, when the other tailor could not make a suit only?"

"It's very simple," replied the tailor, "The other tailor has two sons."

Short funny jokes-Best time to pick pears

TEACHER: "Tell me, Johnny, which is the best time to pick pears? Spring, summer, autumn or winter?"

JOHNNY: "The best time to pick pears is when the farmer is not at home and there's no dog on the farm."

Clean jokes-In the Oven

Before rushing to work, I prepared a casserole for that evening's dinner and put it in the fridge. As I turned to leave, I told my son to stick it in the oven when he got home from school. "Make sure to put it in at 350," I said.

"Sorry, can't," he replied. "I don't get home until quarter after four."

Good jokes-Ballerina

One day this big, nasty, sweaty woman wearing a raggedy sleeveless sundress walks into a bar.

She raises her right arm, revealing a big hairy armpit as she points to all the people sitting at the bar and asks, 'What man out there will buy a lady a drink?'

The whole bar goes dead silent as the patrons try to ignore her. At the end of the bar, a skinny little piss head slams his hand on the bar and says, 'Barman, I want to buy that ballerina a drink.'

The barman pours the drink and the woman chugs it down. After she's completed the drink, she turns again to the throng and points around at all of them, again revealing the hairy armpit, saying,'What man out there will buy a lady a drink?'

Once again, the little drunk slaps his hand down on the bar and slurs to the barman, 'Sir, I would like to buy the ballerina another drink.'

After serving the lady her second drink, the barman approaches the little drunkard and says, 'It's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her a ballerina?'

To which, the drunk replies, 'Sir, in my eyes, any woman who can lift her leg up that high has got to be a ballerina.'

Yo Mama jokes-Failed!

Yo Mama's so stupid, she got stabbed in a shoot-out.

Yo Mama's so stupid, she failed a survey.

Yo Mama's so stupid, I told her to buy a color TV, she came back and said what color.

Really funny jokes-Weather man in Russia

A long time ago, in Communist Russia, there was a famous weather man named Rudolf.

He's always had a 100% accuracy rate for his forecasts of the Russian weather conditions. His people loved him and
respected him for his faultless foresight. He was particularly good at predicting rain. One night, despite clear skies, he made the prediction on the 6:00pm news broadcast that a violent storm was approaching. It would flood the town in which he and his wife lived. He warned the people to take proper precautions and prepare for the worst.

After he arrived home later that evening, his wife met him at the door and started arguing with him that his weather prediction was the most ridiculous thing she had ever heard. This time, she said, he had made a terrible mistake. There
wasn't a cloud anywhere within 10 miles of the village. As a matter of fact, that day had been the most beautiful day that the town had ever had and it was quite obvious to everyone it simply wasn't going to rain.

He told her she was to be quiet and listen to him. If he said it was going to rain, IT WAS GOING TO RAIN. He had all
of his Russian heritage behind him and he knew what he was talking about. She argued that although he came from a proud
heritage, IT STILL WASN'T GOING TO RAIN.

They argued back and forth for hours , so much that they went to bed mad at each other.

During the night, sure enough one of the worst rainstorms hit the village the likes of which they had never seen. That
morning when Rudolf and his wife arose, they looked out the window and saw all the water that had fallen that night.

"See," said Rudolf, "I told you it was going to rain."

His wife admitted: "Once again your prediction came true. But I want to know, just how were you so accurate, Rudolf?"

To which he replied, "You see, Rudolf the Red knows rain dear!"

Hilarious jokes-Multiple

Mary: I knew right away he was a loser.

Jill: How did you know so fast?

Mary: He said he could give me "multiple organisms."

Christmas jokes-Santa, a Man or Woman?

Christmas has to be a warm, well organised, caring, considerate, social occasion. So, it's unlikely that a man could take responsibility for making it happen.

For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about Christmas until Christmas Eve. And when they do eventually rush into the high street at the latest possible moment, they seem genuinely surprised to discover that the only options remaining on the shelves are cheap perfume and lingerie suitable for high class tarts.

Let's face it, Santa Claus must be a woman. If Santa was a man, all there would be under the Christmas tree are high tech' toys .... still in the original wrappings, of course.

Another flaw in the 'he-Santa' argument is his apparent ability to arrive promptly every Christmas Eve. If Santa was a man, he could be relied upon to have transportation problems, get lost in all the snow and clouds and flatly refuse to ask anyone for directions.

There are lots of other reasons why Santa can't be a man:

Men have no idea about packing bags.

Men would rather be dead than wear red velvet.

Men have no interest in stockings, unless they are being worn by an attractive female.

But, the real show-stopper is, most men simply can't do commitment.