Kids jokes-Marry

One day Lil Johny says to his father: I want to get married.
Father: Oh, so do you have someone special in your mind?
Johny: Yes, Grandma
Father: What? There is a problem now; you want to marry my Mother?
Johny: Why not? You married my mother!

Short humor jokes-No male pallbearers

An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote,
'They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead.'

Really funny jokes-Diagnosis

We were thoroughly confused. While transcribing medical audiotapes, my co-worker came upon the following garbled diagnosis: "This man has pholenfrometry. "
Knowing nothing about that particular condition, she double-checked with the doctor. After listening to the
tape, he shook his head.
"This man," he said, translating for her, "has fallen from a tree."

Clean jokes-Husband & Wife

A man was telling his friends, "When my wife is infuriated, she starts shouting at me, my children and even at our dogs and nobody dares answer her."
One of his friends asked."And when you are angry, what do you do?"
The man replied, "I also shout angrily at the windows and doors of the house and none of them dares to answer back.

Funny jokes-Water pump

Jessica called an auto parts store and asked for a 28-ounce water pump.
"What?" asked the confused parts guy.
She said, "My husband says he needs a 28-ounce water pump."
"A 28-ounce water pump? What kind of car does it fit?" asked the parts guy.
"A Datsun," replied the woman.
As the parts guy wrote down her request, a light went on in his head.
"Oh, yes, ma'am. We've got 28-ounce water pumps," he said. "We also have 24-ounce and 26-ounce pumps." "Finally," she said. "You're the first place I've called that knew what I was talking about."
"Yes ma'am," said parts guy, smiling, as he jotted down "Datsun 280Z water pump..."

Really funny jokes-Good trick

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?" The bartender considers it, and then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.
After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, "If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?" The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, which begins to sing along with the rat's music.
While the man is enjoying his free drinks, a stranger confronts him and offers him £100,000 for the bullfrog. "Sorry," the man replies, "he's not for sale." The stranger increases the offer to £250,000 cash up front. "No," he insists, "he's not for sale." The stranger again increases the offer, this time to £500,000 cash. The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money.
"Are you insane?" the bartender demanded. "That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere £500,000!"
"Don't worry about it." the man answered. "The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rat's a ventriloquist.

Humor jokes-Gym

Before setting off on a business trip to Tulsa, I called the hotel where I'd be staying to see if they had a gym.
The hotel operator's sigh had a tinge of exasperation in it.
"We have over 300 guests at this facility," she said. "Does this "Gym" have a last name?"

Really funny jokes-Not the way

A man went to the store with his 3-year-old daughter in tow. Since he was just there to grab some essentials like milk and bread, he opted to save some time by not pushing a cart around the store.
"That's not the way Mommy does it," his daughter informed him.
"I know, dear, but Daddy's way is OK, too," he replied.
Leaving the store in the rain and without a cart, he carried the bag of groceries, his daughter, and the milk quickly to the car. Not wanting to set anything down on the wet ground, he set the jug of milk on top of the car, efficiently whisked open the car door with his now free hand, scooted the groceries in and set his daughter into the car seat in one swift motion. Then he hopped in himself.
"That's not the way Mommy does it," his daughter informed him again.
"Honey, there's more than one way to do things," he replied patiently. "Daddy's way is OK, too."
As they pulled out and headed down the street, he became aware of the scraping sound on the roof as the jug of milk slid down the length of the rooftop, bounced off the trunk of the car and splattered to the ground, sending a froth of white milk in every direction.
In the millisecond he took to process his mistake, his young daughter looked at him, and in a most serious voice said, "That's NOT the way Mommy does it."

Doctor jokes-Operate

Over a round of golf, two doctors were talking shop.
"I operated on Mr. Lee the other day," said the surgeon.
"What for?" asked his colleague.
"About $17,000."
"What did he have?"
"Oh... About $17,000."

Really funny jokes-Tractor paid for

A farmer has three sons.
One day, his oldest boy comes to him and pleads with him that he is graduating from school and would really like to get a car.
His father says, "Son, come with me."
He takes him to the barn and points to the farm tractor and says, "That tractor is needed here on the farm and I promise that as soon as it's paid for, we'll get you a car."
The boy was not too happy but he did understand that situation and said, "Okay, Dad."
A week later, his second son (10 years old) approaches him wanting a new two-wheel bicycle. Well, he gets the same excuse. "as soon as that tractor is paid for."
Shortly, a few days later, son number 3, his youngest, comes bugging him for a tricycle.
Again, ol' Dad gives him the lecture about the tractor being paid for first. While leaving the barn, the young boy, more than a little disgusted with the whole thing, sees a rooster mating with one of the hens and promptly goes over and kicks the rooster smooth off the hen's back, mumbling to himself the whole time.
His dad says, "Son, why on earth would you do something like that? He didn't do anything to you to deserve that!"
The little boy looks his Dad right square in the eye and says, "Hey, nobody rides anything around here until that damn tractor is paid for!"

Kids jokes-Late

A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran she prayed, 'Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!'
While she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again! As she ran she once again began to pray, 'Dear Lord, please don't let me be late...But please don't shove me either!'

Funny short jokes-Chase

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

Really funny jokes-National costume

Emma was nearly 10 years old. One day, she comes home from school and says to her father, "Daddy, I need a national costume.
My teacher told all of the class to come to school next Monday wearing our national costumes.
"Oy vay!" he cries. "She's not even ten, already, and she wants a mink coat!"

Funny jokes-To be a detective

Three friends were all applying for the last available position on The Texas Highway Patrol. The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, "So y'all want to be cops, huh?"

The friends all nodded.

The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a folder.

Sitting back down, he opened it and pulled out a picture, and said, "To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities such as scars and so forth."

So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first guy and withdrew it after about two seconds. "Now," he said, "did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?"

The first guy immediately said, "Yes, I did. He has only one eye!"

The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It's a profile of his face! You're dismissed!"

The first guy hung her head and walked out of the office.

The Detective then turned to the second guy, stuck the photo in his face for two seconds, pulled it back and said, "What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?"

"Yes! He only has one ear!"

The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, "Didn't you hear what I just told the other guy? This is a profile of the man's face! Of course you can only see one ear!! You're excused too!"

The second guy sheepishly walked out of the office.

The detective turned his attention to the third and last guy and said, "This is probably a waste of time, but..."
He flashed the photo in his face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, "All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?"

The guy said, "I sure did. This man wears contact lenses."

The detective frowned, took another look at the picture and began looking at some of the papers in the folder.

He looked up at the guy with a puzzled expression and said, "You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?"

The guy rolled her eyes and said, "Well, Helloooo! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses."

Humor jokes-Chivalry

"Your Honor," a man said in divorce court, "My wife is just being ridiculous. Most women would love to have a husband who still believes in chivalry and I was only opening the car door for her out of chivalry."
"Ordinarily that would be true," replied the judge, "But I don't buy that it was out of chivalry. Apparently, you left out the part where you were driving down the highway at 65 MPH at the time."

Really funny jokes-Furniture Disease

Max went into the doctor's office for his annual checkup, and the Doc asked if there was anything unusual he should know about.
So Max told the Doc that his suit must have shrunk over the last year, because it didn't fit when he went to get ready for a wedding recently.
The Doc said, "Suits don't shrink just sitting in a closet. You probably put on a few pounds."
"That's just it, Doc, I know I haven't gained a single pound since the last time I wore it."
"Well, then," said Doc, "You must have a case of Furniture Disease."
"What in the world is Furniture Disease?" asked Max.
"That's when your chest starts sliding down into your drawers."

Clean jokes-Religious teachers

A priest, a minister, a rabbi and a moulvi were all sitting at a table, finishing dinner and discussing theology. Suddenly an angel appeared before them.
"I have been sent to grant each of you one wish," he said. "Who will go first?"
The catholic priest stood up.
"I wish for the destruction of all protestants! "
Then the protestant minister bolted up.
"I wish for the destruction of all catholics!"
The rabbi stood up.
"I wish return of the Jews to their native lands, to fill in the gap to be left after all protestants and catholics are gone."
The Moulvi kept seated, so the angel asked, "How about you? What do you wish for, Moulana?"
The moulvi answered, "Well, if you're going to grant their wishes, I'll just settle for another cup of tea."

Really funny jokes-spelling

Little Johnny was in class and the teacher announced that they were going to try something different to help everyone get to know each other a little better, and to help with their spelling. She explained, "I want you to stand up and give us the occupation of your father, spell it, and say one thing he would give us all if he were here today."
The first student raised her hand to volunteer.
"Marcy," the teacher said. "You may go first."
Marcy replied, "My father is a banker. B-A-N-K-E-R and if he was here today, he would give us all a shiny new penny."
The teacher said, "Very nice, Marcy, who wants to go next?"
Kevin stood up and announced, "My father is a baker. B-A-K-E-R and if he was here today, he would give us all a freshly-baked cookie."
"Very good," the teacher told Kevin.
Jeff was next, and he said, "My father is an accountant. A-K, no wait, A-C-K, no..."
Before he could attempt to spell it once more, the teacher cut him off and told him to sit back down and to think about it for a while. When he thought he knew how to spell it, he could stand back up and try again.
Little Johnny raised his hand in excitement hoping to be acknowledged by the teacher.
The teacher called on little Johnny to go next.
Johnny said, "My father is a bookie. B-O-O-K-I-E and if he was here today, he would give us all 20:1 odds Jeff will never be able to spell 'accountant'".

Doctor jokes-Die

"Doctor, are you sure I'm suffering from pneumonia? I've heared once about a doctor treating someone with pneumonia and finally he died of typhus."
"Don't worry, it won't happen to me. If I treat someone with pneumonia he will die of pneumonia."

Short humor jokes

Q: What did one sand pile say to the other sand pile?
A: Whatchya dune?

Q: What did the religious carrot say to the greens?
A: Lettuce pray

Q: What's the most common cause of hearing loss amongst men?
A: Wife saying she wants to talk to him.

Q: What did the ocean say to the shore?
A: Nothing, it just waved.

Q: What do you call a Jewish wife who catches her husband in bed with his secretary?
A: "The Plaintiff."

Really funny jokes-Barking

Chris and Pat are in their residence listening to the neighbor's dog, who has been in the backyard barking for hours and hours. Finally, Chris jumps up and says, 'I've had enough of this!'
Rushing downstairs, Chris finally returns, and Pat says, 'The dog is still barking, what have you been doing?'
Chris says, 'I've put the dog in our backyard, let's see how they like it.'

Funny jokes-Turkey

"Would you please help me?" Betty asked. "I bought a nine-pound turkey. Could you tell me how long to cook it in my new microwave?"

"Just a minute" the food editor said as he turned to check his reference book.

"Oh thank you" she said. "You've been a big help. Good-bye!"

Short humor jokes

What is the difference between men and pigs?
Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.

Really funny jokes-UFO

A flying saucer landed at a gas station on a lonely country road. The two space aliens inside seemed completely unconcerned about detection; in fact, the letters "UFO" were emblazoned in big, bold letters on one side of their shiny craft.

As the station owner stood and gawked in silence, paralyzed with shock, his young attendant nonchalantly filled up the tank and then waved to the two aliens as they took off.

"Do you realize what just happened?"  The station owner finally uttered.

"Yeah," said the attendant. "So?"

"Didn't you see the space aliens in that vehicle?!"

"Yeah," repeated the attendant. "So?"

"Didn't you see the letters 'UFO' on the side of that vehicle?!"

"Yeah," repeated the attendant.

"So?"

"Don't you know what 'UFO' means?!"

The attendant rolled her eyes. "Good grief, boss! I've been working here for five years. Of course I know what 'UFO' means - it means 'Unleaded Fuel Only'.

Jokes for kids - food jokes

Billy's mother was dropping him off at the carnival while she did shopping and errands.
"Enjoy yourself, dear!" she said as she handed Billy a large string of carnival tickets.
"Oh, boy! I will!" Billy said as he took the tickets and ran toward the festivities.
Several hours later, Billy's mother returned. She sought him out sitting on a bench not looking so good.
"Well, are you enjoying yourself, dear?" she asked.
"I am but my stomach isn't!" Billy replied. "The ice cream sundae, cotton candy, pizza pie and hot dog I ate is making me wanna throw up!"
"Well it serves you right!" the mother lectured. "Who told you to buy all that JUNK FOOD?"
"What else could I do?" the boy bellowed as he held up the remainder of the carnival tickets. "You gave me all this JUNK MONEY!"

Humor jokes-Mine collapse

There was a mine in a small town that completely collapsed. One of the engineers who miraculously survived the disaster went into the local watering hole.
The bar was empty except for one lonely soul at the other end of the bar. "Hey bartender" said the Engineer, "I'll have a beer and pour another one for my friend down at the end there."
The bartender responded, "I'm sorry sir but that guy's a commie and we don't serve his kind around here."
"Well, you'd better because if it weren't for that guy, I wouldn't be here. You remember that mine that caved in, well I was in that mine and so was that guy. When the last of us were escaping, he held the roof of the mine up with his head! So get him a beer and if you don't believe me, look at the top of his head and you'll see that it's flat from holding the roof up."
The bartender skeptically served the commie his beer and then came back to talk to the Engineer: "I saw the flat spot on his head but I also couldn't help noticing the bruising under his chin. What is that all about?"
The engineer responded: "Oh...that's where we put the jack."

Really funny short jokes-Anything to wear

When a woman goes to her closet and says, "I don't have anything to wear," she really means "I don't have anything NEW to wear."
When a man goes to his closet and says, "I don't have anything to wear," what he really means is "I don't have anything CLEAN to wear."

Doctor jokes-Pregnant

A man and his wife were making their first doctor visit, the wife being pregnant with their first child. After everything checked out, the doctor took a small stamp and stamped the wife's stomach with indelible ink.
The couple was curious about what the stamp read, so when they got home, the husband got out his magnifying glass to try to see what it was.
In very tiny letters, the stamp said, "When you can read this, come back and see me."

Really funny jokes-Steal a dress

You admit having broken into the dress shop four times?" asked the judge.
"Yes," answered the suspect.
"And what did you steal?"
"A dress, Your Honor," replied the subject.
"One dress?" echoed the judge. "But you admit breaking in four times!"
"Yes, Your Honor," sighed the suspect. "But three times my wife didn't like the color."

Kids jokes-Essay

"Take a pencil and paper," the teacher said, "and write an essay with the title 'If I Were a Millionaire'"
Everyone but Philip, who leaned back with arms folded, began to write furiously.
"What's the matter," the teacher asked. "Why don't you begin?"
"I'm waiting for my secretary," he replied.

Short sarcastic jokes

- There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
- Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
- Never miss a good chance to shut up.

Hindi jokes-Suicide Sardarji

Suicide Sardarji is trying to commit suicide on the railway tracks and he takes along some wine and chicken with him. Somebody stops him and asks "kyon bhai, ye sab kyon leke baithe ho?" (Why do you take these things with you?). Sardarji replies "Saali train late aati hai kahin bhook se na marjaun" (If the stupid train comes late, I will die of hunger!)

Really funny jokes-Marines

The Korean War, in which the Marine Corps fought and won some of its most brutal battles, was not without its gallows humor. During one such conflict a ROK (Republic of Korea) commander, whose unit was fighting along with the Marines, called to report a major Chinese attack in his sector.
"How many Chinese are attacking you?" he was asked by the command Colonel.
"Many, many Chinese!" replied the excited Korean officer.
When asked for another, more specific, count, the colonel got the same, vague answer, "Many, many Chinese!"
"dammit!, " screamed the colonel, "put my Marine liaison officer on the radio."
A moment later, an American voice came over the air "Yes sir?"
"Lieutenant, exactly how many Chinese you got up there?"
"Colonel, we got a whole lot of Chinese up here!"
"Thank God," exclaimed the colonel, "At least there's one person up there who knows how to count!"

Funny jokes-Parrot

Anita went into a pet shop and asked the owner if he had any parrots.

The owner replied, "Sorry, I don't have any at the moment."

"Good lord!" said Anita, "I have been invited to a fancy dress party for the first time in my life and I want to go as a Pirate, and I have been told to be as authentic as possible, hence the need for the parrot"

"Well" said the owner, "if you come back here next week, specifically on Thursday, I am expecting a shipment from South America and I'll be able to supply you with a parrot, guaranteed,"

"Good lord!" said Anita, "I can't come on that day or for some time after."

"Why not?" Asked the owner.

"Because that is the day I'm having my leg amputated!"

Humor jokes-What is 710???

This doesn't mean all women are stupid when it comes to cars....But there always are (a lot of) exceptions!!
Yesterday I was having some work done at the Ford dealer. A woman came in and asked for a seven-hundred- ten.
We all looked at each other, and the mechanic asked,"What is a seven-hundred- ten?"
She replied, "You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine.I lost it and need a new one. It had always been there."
The mechanic gave the woman a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like. She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710 !!
He then took her over to another car which had the hood up and asked, "Is there a 710 on this car?"
She pointed and said, "Of course, it's right there."
Now go to the photo below to learn what a 710 is...

Doctor jokes-Painless

Raj: "Dad, that man wasn't painless dentist like he advertised."
Dad: "Why? Did he hurt you?"
Raj: "No, but he yelled when I bit his thumb."

Short humor jokes-Divorce

As a Hillbilly couple walk out of divorce court,the wife is cryin her heart out.
Her husband turns to her and says .. "Fer Pete's sake stop cryin... you're still my sister."

Really funny jokes-Advice

A young couple decided to wed. As the big day approached, they grew apprehensive. Each had a problem they had never before shared with anyone, not even each other. The groom- to-be, overcoming his fear, decided to ask his father for advice. "Father," he said, "I am deeply concerned about the success of my marriage."
His father replied, "Don't you love this girl?"
"Oh yes, very much," he said, "but you see, I have very smelly feet and I'm afraid that my fiancee will be put off by them."
"No problem," said dad, "all you have to do is wash your feet as often as possible and always wear socks, even to bed."
The bride-to-be, overcoming her fear, decided to take her problem up with her mom. "Mom," she said, "When I wake up in the morning, my breath is truly awful."
Well, to him this seemed a workable solution.
"Honey," her mother consoled, "Everyone has bad breath in the morning."
"No, you don't understand. My morning breath is so bad, I'm afraid that my fiancee will not want to sleep in the same room with me."
Her mother said simply, "Try this. In the morning, get straight out of bed and head for the kitchen to make breakfast. While the family is busy eating, move on to the bathroom and brush your teeth. The key is, not to say a word until you've brushed your teeth."
"I shouldn't say good morning or anything?" the daughter asked.
"Not a word," her mother affirmed.
"Well, it's certainly worth a try," she thought.
The loving couple were finally married. Not forgetting the advice each had received, he with his perpetual socks and she with her morning silence, they managed quite well. That is, until about six months later.
Shortly before dawn one morning, the husband wakes with a start to find that one of his socks had come off. Fearful of the consequences, he frantically searches the bed. This, of course, wakes his bride and without thinking, she asks, "What on earth are you doing?"
"Oh, my," he replies, "you've swallowed my sock!"

Office jokes-Verbal

"Now this is the verbal part of your employment test," said the interviewer. "Can you tell me what gross aggrandized annuity means?"
"Certainly," replied the applicant. "It means I don't get the job."

Funny jokes-Miles

Cindi tried to sell her old car, but she was having a lot of problems selling it, because the car had 250,000 miles on it.

One day, she told her problem to her friend she worked with. The friend told her, "There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it's not legal."

"That doesn't matter," replied Cindi, "if I only can sell the car."

"Okay," said the friend. "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will turn the counter in your car back to 50,000 miles. Then it should not be a problem to sell your car anymore."

The following weekend, Cindi made the trip to the mechanic. About one month after that, her friend asked Cindi, "Did you sell your car?"

"No," replied Cindi, "why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it."

Really funny jokes-Grief

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave.The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?"
The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?"
The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied...
"My wife's first husband."

Humor jokes-Stuffed lion

A man was visiting his elderly neighbor and was given a tour of his home. In the den was a stuffed lion. The neighbor asked, "When did you bag him?"
The old man said proudly, "That was three years ago, when I went hunting with my ex-wife & Mother-in-Law. "
"What's he stuffed with?" asked the neighbor.
"My 'ex'-Mother- in-Law," replied the old man.

Really funny jokes-Old Aunt Emma

A couple's happy married life almost went on the rocks because of the presence in the household of old Aunt Emma.
For seven long years she lived with them, always crotchety, always demanding. Finally the old lady died.
On the way back from the cemetery, the husband confessed to his wife,
Darling, if I didn't love you so much, I don't think I would have put up
with having your Aunt Emma in the house all those years.
His wife looked at him aghast. *My* Aunt Emma! she cried. I thought she was *your* Aunt Emma!!

Doctor jokes-Forget about Baseball

A baseball manager who had an ulcer was in his physician's office for a checkup.
"Remember," the doctor said, "don't get excited, don't get mad, and forget about baseball when you're off the field." Then he added, "By the way, how come you let the pitcher bat yesterday with the tying run on second and two men out in the ninth?"

Really funny short jokes-Wild beasts

Someone once asked his rabbi why, in our day, we pray for protection from 'wild beasts' when traveling by car? From which 'wild beasts' do we need protection?
"The other drivers," the rabbi answered.

Police Humor

So you thought police officers didn't have a sense of humor.
The following were taken off of actual police car videos around the country:
#14 "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."
#13 "Take your hands off the car, and I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."
#12 "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
#11 "Can you run faster than 1,200 feet per second? In case you didn't know, that is the average speed of a 9mm bullet fired from my gun."
#10 "So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"
#9 "Yes, Sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"
#8 "Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
#7 "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in monkey $#*!."
#6 "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
#5 "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."
#4 "Just how big were those two beers?"
#3 "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."
#2 "I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail."
#1 "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

Clean jokes-Map reading

The young teacher of the earth science class was lecturing on map reading. After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees and minutes the teacher asked Morris, "Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude... ?"
After a confused silence, Morris offered this as his answer....
"I guess you'd be eating alone."

Really funny jokes-Unconscious

Two men staggered into the pub, dragging their extremely pissed mate with them. When they reached the bar, they let him go and he collapsed in a drunken heap on the floor. "We'll have two beers," one of them slurred to the bartender.
"What about him?" asked the barkeep, pointing to the unconscious chap.
"No more for him - he's driving," the patron answered.

Really funny short jokes-Mozart

When Mozart passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Mozart was buried.
Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.
When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Mozart's Ninth Symphony,
being played backwards."
He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling."
So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."
Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about.
It's just Mozart decomposing. "

Funny jokes-Identification

A young woman went into a bank to withdraw some money. For security purposes the cashier asked her if she could identify herself.

She opened her handbag and took out a small mirror, looked into it and said,
"Yes, it's me all right."