Really funny jokes-Buying a new car

Morris, a Russian man saves his rubles for twenty years to buy a new car. After choosing the model and options he wants, he's not the least bit surprised or even concerned to learn that it will take two years for the new car to be delivered. He thanks the salesman and starts to leave, but as he reaches the door he pauses and turns back to the salesman "Do you know which week two years from now the new car will arrive?" he asks.

The salesman checks his notes and tells the Morris that it will be two years to the exact week. The man thanks the salesman and starts out again, but upon reaching the door, he turns back again.

"Could you possibly tell me what day of the week two years from now the car will arrive?"

The salesman, mildly annoyed, checks his notes again and says that it will be exactly two years from this week, on Thursday.

Morris thanks the salesman and once again starts to leave. Halfway though the door, he hesitates, turns back, and walks up to the salesman.

"I'm sorry to be so much trouble, but do you know if that will be two years from now on Thursday in the morning, or in the afternoon?"

Visibly irritated, the salesman flips through his papers yet another time and says sharply that it will be in the afternoon, two years from now on Thursday.

"That's a relief!" says Morris. "The plumber is coming that morning."

One line jokes-Dollar store

No matter how bad it gets, I'm rich at the dollar store.

Health jokes-You're Still Drinking Too Much Coffee When:

You're Still Drinking Too Much Coffee When:

*You speed walk in your sleep.

*You have a bumper sticker that says: "Coffee drinkers are good in the sack."

*You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.

*The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake.

*You spend every vacation visiting "Maxwell House."

*You've worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week.

*Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.

*You chew on other people's fingernails.

*The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.

*Your T-shirt says, "Decaffeinated coffee is the devil's coffee."

*Cocaine is a downer.

*You buy milk by the barrel.

*You've worn out the handle on your favorite mug.

*You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.

*You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.

*You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.

Blonde jokes-State capitals

Well, there was this blonde who just got sick and tired of all the blonde jokes. So one evening she went home and memorized all the state capitals.

Back in the office the next day, some guy started telling a dumb blonde joke. She interrupted him with a shrill announcement,

"I've had it up to here with these blonde jokes. I want you to know that this blonde went home last night and did something probably none of you could do...I memorized all the state capitals."

One of the guys, of course, said "I don't believe you. What is the capital of Nevada?"

"N", she answered.

Short funny jokes-Cock fight

How can you tell if the Mafia is involved in the Cock fight?

If the duck wins

Really funny jokes-Staff Meeting

Moses and his flock arrive at the sea, with the Egyptians in hot pursuit.

Moses calls a staff meeting.

Moses: Well, how are we going to get across the sea? We need a fast solution. The Egyptians are close behind us.

The General of the Armies: Normally, I'd recommend that we build a pontoon bridge to carry us across. But there's not enough time -- the Egyptians are too close.

The Admiral of the Navy: Normally, I'd recommend that we build barges to carry us across. But time is too short.

Moses: Does anyone have a solution?

Just then, his Public Relations man raises his hand.

Moses: You! You have a solution?

The PR Man - No, but I can promise you this: If you can find a way out of this one, I can get you two or three pages in the Old Testament!

One line jokes-Las Vegas

The reason Las Vegas is so crowded is that no one has the plane fare to leave.

Funny jokes-More TSA slogans

- TSA: Touchin', Squeezin', Arrestin'

- You were a virgin.

- We handle more packages than the USPS

- The TSA isn't silly, they just want to inspect your willy.

- Stroke of the hand, law of the land.

- No Shirt, No Shoes, No Problem.

- Let your fingers do the Walking.

- Bend Over And Cough

- Reach out and touch someone.

- Can you feel me now?

- When we're done with you, you'll need a cigarette

- TSA - Thousands Standing Around

Lawyer jokes-Apperance

Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Really funny jokes-Foul mouthed parrot

A rather large lady had saved her money for a long time to be able to afford a cruise on a ship to the Bahama's.

When she gets settled in her cabin she goes to the dining room for her first meal on board, and is invited to sit at the Captain's table.

As she is seated at the table a mimmicking voice behind her loudly squawks, "Aawwk, Lady! How's your hole?"

Totally embarrassed, she turns to see a parrot on his perch behind her. She says to the steward, "Will you "Please" get rid of that foul mouthed beast?"

The steward replies, "I can't madam, that is the Captains parrot, which he dearly loves."

As the meal progresses to its end the bird continues to harrass the lady with his loud squawks, "Aawwk, Lady! How's your hole?"

The embarrassed woman finally retires to her cabin and goes into a restless sleep.

In the middle of the night the ship sinks rather suddenly and the lady finds herself floating in the ocean on a chest. As daylight breaks the next morning the lady hears this loud squawk behind her, "Aawwk, Lady! How's your Hole?"

The lady turns around to see the parrot floating on some debris and she replies, "Aah, Shut Up!"

The parrot says, "Aawwk, Mine too! Must be the salt water!"

Adult jokes-More pick up lines

1. You remind me of a championship bass, I don't know whether to mount you or eat you!

2. Could I touch your belly button . . . from the inside?

3. I'm not too good at algebra, but doesn't U+I = 69?

4. How about we play lion and lion tamer? You hold your mouth open, and I'll give you the meat.

One line jokes-Fast Camera

Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed; they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

Really funny jokes-Art supply store

I used to work in an art supply store. We sold artists' canvas by the yard, and you could get it in either of two widths: 36 inches or 48 inches.

Customer: "Can you please cut some canvas for me?"

Me: "Certainly, what width?"

Customer: (confused and slightly annoyed) "Scissors?"

Good jokes-TSA Slogans

TSA Slogans

- Grope discounts available.

- Can't see London, can't see France, unless we see your underpants.

- If we did our job any better, we'd have to buy you dinner first.

- Only we know if Lady Gaga is really a lady.

- Don't worry, my hands are still warm from the last guy.

- Throw a few back at the airport Chili's and you won't even notice.

- Wanna fly? Open your fly!

- We've handled more balls than Barney Frank.

- We are now free to move about your pants

- We rub you the wrong way, so you can be on your way.

- It's not a grope. It's a freedom pat.

- When in doubt, we make you whip it out.