Short funny jokes-Discount

My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount.

Really funny jokes-More Liberal Pick-Up Lines

The Top 10 Liberal Pick-Up Lines

You sure you're not Joy Behar? Cause I'm really digging the view.

The caribou are rapidly disappearing. Mind if I look for them under your skirt?

Mandate your coverage? I mandate you get uncovered.

Why don't you come back to my place and I'll show you my stimulus package.

I'm Pro-Choice, so you can choose to be on top or bottom.

Let's hop in my electric car and let the sparks fly.

I saw you across the room, and thought, "I'd like to have him help me get my first abortion."

You're so hot, you should be banned by the Kyoto Treaty.


My wife just doesn't understand me. She's the Secretary of State, and travels all the time.

Funny jokes-The ultimate rejection letter

The ultimate rejection letter

Herbert MillingtonChair - Search Committee, Whitson University, College Hill, MA

Dear Professor Millington,

Thank you for your letter of March 16. After careful consideration, I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me an assistant professor position in your department. This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field of candidates, it is impossible for me to accept all refusals. Despite Whitson's outstanding qualifications and previous experience in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet my needs at this time. Therefore, I will assume the position of assistant professor in your department this August. I look forward to seeing you then. Best of luck in rejecting future applicants.

Sincerely,

Chris L. Jensen

Teacher jokes-Definitely

A kindergarten teacher one day is trying to explain to her class the definition of the word "definitely" to them. To make sure the students have a good understanding of the word, she asks them to use it in a sentence.

The first student raised his hand and said "The sky is definitely blue".

The teacher said, "Well, that isn't entirely correct, because sometimes it's gray and cloudy".

Another student says, "Grass is definitely green."

The teacher again replies "If grass doesn't get enough water it turns brown, so that isn't really correct either."

Another student raises his hand and asks the teacher "Do farts have lumps?" The teacher looked at him and said "No...But that isn't really a question you want to ask in class discussion."

So the student replies, "Then I definitely soiled my pants."

Really funny jokes-Liberal Pick up Lines

* Your Birkenstocks must stink, cause you've been nature-hiking through my mind all day.

* You had me at "Mao."

* We're both workers, of the world ......let's "Unite"

* Hey honey, wanna come back to my place and test my emissions?

* My pants need a bailout. can you help?

* I'd love to to get you in a see-through dress. I'm a firm believer in transparency.

* I'm a Women's Studies major, so if you would take off your clothes I'd appreciate it.

* You are so hot. The science is settled.

* Darlin' you stole my heart the same way George Bush stole the election in 2000

* Ooo, baby...I'd love to warm your globes.

Funny jokes-Rifle for husband

A woman goes into a sporting goods store to buy a rifle.

It's for my husband, she tells the clerk.

Did he tell you what gauge to get? asked the clerk.

Are you kidding? she says. He doesn't even know that I'm going to shoot him!

Really funny jokes-Statisticians

How to lie with statistics

It's like the tale of the roadside merchant who was asked to explain how he could sell rabbit sandwiches so cheap. "Well" he explained, "I have to put some horse-meat in too. But I mix them 50:50. One horse, one rabbit."

Clean jokes-Old biker in church

One Sunday morning an old biker entered a church just before services were to begin. Although the old man and his clothes were spotlessly clean, he wore jeans, a denim shirt and boots that were very worn and ragged. In his hand he carried a worn out old leather jacket and an equally worn out bible. The church he entered was in a very upscale and exclusive part of the city. It was the largest and most beautiful church the old biker had ever seen. The people of the congregation were all dressed with expensive clothes and accessories. As the biker took a seat, the others moved away from him. No one greeted, spoke to, or welcomed him. They were all appalled at his appearance and did not attempt to hide it. The preacher gave a long sermon about Hellfire and brimstone and a stern lecture on how much money the church needed to do God's work. As the old biker was leaving the church, the preacher approached him and asked the biker to do him a favor.

"Before you come back in here again, have a talk with God and ask him what He thinks would be appropriate attire for worship." The old biker assured the preacher he would.

The next Sunday, he showed back up for the services wearing the same ragged jeans, shirt, boots, and leather jacket. Once again he was completely shunned and ignored. The preacher approached the man and said, "I thought I asked you to speak to God before you came back t o our church."

"I did," replied the old biker.

"If you spoke to God, what did he tell you the proper attire should be for worshiping in here?" asked the preacher. "Well, sir, God told me that He didn't have a clue what I should wear. He says he's never been here before."

Funny jokes-What Men really mean

What Men Really Mean

Have you ever asked what men are really thinking when they say the things they do? Well now is your opportunity to answer that very question...

"I brought you a present."
Really means...
"It was free ice scraper night at the ball game."

"I missed you."
Really means...
"I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper."

"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are."
Really means...
"No one will ever see us alive again."

"We share the housework."
Really means...
"I make the messes, she cleans them up."

"This relationship is getting too serious."
Really means...
"I like you more than my truck."

"I recycle."
Really means...
"We could pay the rent with the money from my empties."

"Of course I like it, honey, you look beautiful."
Really means...
"Oh, man, what have you done to yourself?"

"It sure snowed last night."
Really means...
"I suppose you're going to nag me about shoveling the walk now."

"What do you mean, you need new clothes?"
Really means...
"You just bought new clothes 3 years ago."

"She's one of those rabid feminists."
Really means...
"She refused to make my coffee."

"But I hate to go shopping."
Really means...
"Because I always wind up outside the dressing room holding your purse."

"No, I left plenty of gas in the car."
Really means...
"You may actually get it to start."

"I'm going to stop off for a quick one with the guys."
Really means...
"I am planning on drinking myself into a vegetative stupor with my chest pounding, mouth breathing, with pre-evolutionary companions."

"I heard you."
Really means...
"I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."

"You know I could never love anyone else."
Really means...
"I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."

"You look terrific."
Really means...
"Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."

Adult jokes-Vibrator and anteater

Q. What do you get when you cross a vibrator with an anteater?

A. An armadildo.

Really funny jokes-Lost in the Sahara desert

Two Christians were lost in the Sahara desert. One is David, the other is Michael. They were dying of hunger and thirst when they suddenly came upon an oasis, with what looked like an emirate of a mosque in the middle.

David said to Michael : "Look, let's pretend we are Muslims, otherwise we'll not get any food or drink. I am going to call myself Mohammed."

Michael refused to change his name, he said : "My name is Michael, and I will not pretend to be other than but what I am...Michael."

The Imam of the mosque received both well and asked about their names.

David said : "My name is Mohammed."

Michael said : "My name is Michael."

The Imam turned to the helpers of the mosque and said : "Please bring some food and water for Michael only."

Then he turned to the other and said: "Well Mohammed, Ramzan Mubarak!"

Short funny jokes-Kotex on fire

What do you do if your Kotex is on fire?

You tampon it.

Funny jokes-Nasty pick up lines

1. Wanna play Pearl Harbor?....Its a game where I lay back while you blow the hell out of me.

2. Your body's name must be Visa, because it's everywhere I want to be.

3. Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?

4. I may not be the best looking guy here, but I'm the only one talking to you.

Adult jokes-At 82

I just took a leaflet out of my mailbox, informing me that I can make love at 82!
I'm sooooo happy, because I live at 74 ..... so it's not far to walk home afterwards.

Really funny jokes-Three pregnant women

Three pregnant women are sitting in a cafe having lunch, when one of them says, "I know that I'm going to have a boy."

The other two women think about that for a moment, and then one of them says, "OK, how do you know you're going to have a boy?"

"Well, when the child was conceived," says the first women, "I was on top. So I'm going to have a boy."

They sit and eat for a few minutes more, and then the second woman says, "Well, I'm going to have a girl."

"OK," says the first one, "how do you know you're going to have a girl?"

"Well, when my child was conceived, I was on the bottom. So I'm going to have a girl."

They sit and eat for a few minutes more, the third woman obviously getting more and more distressed, until finally she breaks down into horrible sobbing?

"What's wrong, what's wrong?" the first two women ask with concern.

The third woman manages to stifle her sobs long enough to only say one thing.... "I'm going to have a puppy!"

Short funny jokes-Entertainment

Men seek entertainment that allows them to escape reality.

Women seek entertainment that reminds them of how horrible things could be.

Hilarious jokes-Peeking in the bedroom

A little boy gets up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.

As he passes his parent's bedroom he peeks in through the keyhole.

He watches for a moment, then continues on down the hallway, saying to himself, "Boy, and she gets mad at me for sucking my thumb"

Really funny jokes-Visitor from Texas

I recently had a visitor from the state of Texas. For three days all I heard from him was "In Texas we have the best this, the largest that, the fastest that," etc. It eventually became very annoying.

Being from Niagra Falls, I thought I could outdo him by showing him the "MIGHTY NIAGARA", knowing there was nothing in Texas that could compare to this "Wonder of Water & Power".

While standing at the brink watching millions of gallons of water rushing over, I noticed the look of awe in his eyes. It was then I asked him: "Do you have anything like this in Texas?"

He waited a moment before he answered: "No, but we have a plumber that could fix it."

One line jokes-Cheap politicians

Take a look at your tax bills and you'll quit calling them "cheap politicians. "

Insurance jokes-CEO and Don

Q : What's the difference between an insurance company CEO and the mafia don?

A : The insurance company CEO can tell you how many people will die this year. The mafia don can tell you the names of all of them.

Funny jokes-Look in the pocket

A man walks into a bar, orders a drink, gulps it down, looks in his pocket then orders another one.

He gulps that one down, looks in his pocket again, then orders another one.

He does this about 7 or 8 more times when the bartender finally asks, Every time you finish a drink you look in your pocket. What's in your pocket?

The man replies, Oh... I have a picture of my wife in there. I drink until she looks good, then I go home.

Hilarious jokes-Fertilizer Club

This letter is being sent to you because we know that you are critically interested in the condition of your lawn. This is a fertilizer club that will not cost you a cent to join! Upon receipt of this letter, go to the address at the top of the list and soil on their front lawn. You will not be the only one there, so do not feel embarrassed.

Then make five copies of this letter and send them to five of your friends who appreciate a good lawn. Add your name to the letter. You will not get any money or cheques, but within one week , if this chain is not broken, there will be 9,126 people soiling your lawn. Your reward will come next spring when you will have one of the greenest, most beautiful lawns in the neighborhood.

Mrs. Harry Butt - 236 Corn Cob Alley
Mrs. Smelly B. Hind - 475 Diarrhea Way
Mrs. Apple Crop - 1422 Enema Drive
Mrs. Bigger Movement - 89 Rectum Road
Mr. Go More Piles - 741 Hemorrhoid Street
Mr. C. Howie Farts - Whistle Britches Ave.
Mr. & Mrs. Charlie Springer - 2 Suppository Lane
Mr. & Mrs. Took A. Fizzik - 634 Running Loose Lane

P.S. If you are constipated, pass this along to your neighbor. Don’t break the chain. One Man didn’t give a damn and lost his entire lawn. Best wishes for a greener lawn, and more fun at your lawn parties!!!

Blonde jokes-Tilt steering

Q. Why do blondes like tilt steering?

A. More headroom

Really funny jokes-Straight Rodeo

Q. What is the difference between a Straight Rodeo and a Gay Rodeo?

A. At a Straight Rodeo they yell `Ride them Suckers!'.

Superb pick up lines

1. I'm new in town, could I have directions to your house.

2. Correct me if I'm wrong, but is your name Yolanda?

3. I love every bone in your body - especially mine.

4. You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.

5. Hey baby, what's your sign? Caution, slippery when wet, dangerous curves ahead, yield?

6. I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this motel room.

Funny jokes-Most popular word

What's The Most Popular Word That Begins With 'F' & Ends With 'K'?
.
.
.
.
Its FACEBOOK

The Word You Thought Is The 2nd Most Popular!

Fart jokes-Really good stuff

A fart can be quiet,
A fart can be loud,
Some leave a powerful,
Poisonous cloud

A fart can be short,
Or a fart can be long,
Some farts have been known
To sound like a song......

A fart can create
A most curious medley,
A fart can be harmless,
Or silent but deadly.

A fart might not smell,
While others are vile,
A fart may pass quickly,
Or linger a while......

A fart can occur
In a number of places,
And leave everyone there,
With strange looks on their faces.

From wide-open prairie,
To small elevators,
A fart will find all of
Us sooner or later.

But farts are all bad,
Is simply not true-
We must not forget.......
Sweet old farts like me and you!

Really funny jokes-Buying a new car

Morris, a Russian man saves his rubles for twenty years to buy a new car. After choosing the model and options he wants, he's not the least bit surprised or even concerned to learn that it will take two years for the new car to be delivered. He thanks the salesman and starts to leave, but as he reaches the door he pauses and turns back to the salesman "Do you know which week two years from now the new car will arrive?" he asks.

The salesman checks his notes and tells the Morris that it will be two years to the exact week. The man thanks the salesman and starts out again, but upon reaching the door, he turns back again.

"Could you possibly tell me what day of the week two years from now the car will arrive?"

The salesman, mildly annoyed, checks his notes again and says that it will be exactly two years from this week, on Thursday.

Morris thanks the salesman and once again starts to leave. Halfway though the door, he hesitates, turns back, and walks up to the salesman.

"I'm sorry to be so much trouble, but do you know if that will be two years from now on Thursday in the morning, or in the afternoon?"

Visibly irritated, the salesman flips through his papers yet another time and says sharply that it will be in the afternoon, two years from now on Thursday.

"That's a relief!" says Morris. "The plumber is coming that morning."

One line jokes-Dollar store

No matter how bad it gets, I'm rich at the dollar store.

Health jokes-You're Still Drinking Too Much Coffee When:

You're Still Drinking Too Much Coffee When:

*You speed walk in your sleep.

*You have a bumper sticker that says: "Coffee drinkers are good in the sack."

*You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.

*The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake.

*You spend every vacation visiting "Maxwell House."

*You've worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week.

*Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.

*You chew on other people's fingernails.

*The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.

*Your T-shirt says, "Decaffeinated coffee is the devil's coffee."

*Cocaine is a downer.

*You buy milk by the barrel.

*You've worn out the handle on your favorite mug.

*You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.

*You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.

*You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.

Blonde jokes-State capitals

Well, there was this blonde who just got sick and tired of all the blonde jokes. So one evening she went home and memorized all the state capitals.

Back in the office the next day, some guy started telling a dumb blonde joke. She interrupted him with a shrill announcement,

"I've had it up to here with these blonde jokes. I want you to know that this blonde went home last night and did something probably none of you could do...I memorized all the state capitals."

One of the guys, of course, said "I don't believe you. What is the capital of Nevada?"

"N", she answered.

Short funny jokes-Cock fight

How can you tell if the Mafia is involved in the Cock fight?

If the duck wins

Really funny jokes-Staff Meeting

Moses and his flock arrive at the sea, with the Egyptians in hot pursuit.

Moses calls a staff meeting.

Moses: Well, how are we going to get across the sea? We need a fast solution. The Egyptians are close behind us.

The General of the Armies: Normally, I'd recommend that we build a pontoon bridge to carry us across. But there's not enough time -- the Egyptians are too close.

The Admiral of the Navy: Normally, I'd recommend that we build barges to carry us across. But time is too short.

Moses: Does anyone have a solution?

Just then, his Public Relations man raises his hand.

Moses: You! You have a solution?

The PR Man - No, but I can promise you this: If you can find a way out of this one, I can get you two or three pages in the Old Testament!

One line jokes-Las Vegas

The reason Las Vegas is so crowded is that no one has the plane fare to leave.

Funny jokes-More TSA slogans

- TSA: Touchin', Squeezin', Arrestin'

- You were a virgin.

- We handle more packages than the USPS

- The TSA isn't silly, they just want to inspect your willy.

- Stroke of the hand, law of the land.

- No Shirt, No Shoes, No Problem.

- Let your fingers do the Walking.

- Bend Over And Cough

- Reach out and touch someone.

- Can you feel me now?

- When we're done with you, you'll need a cigarette

- TSA - Thousands Standing Around

Lawyer jokes-Apperance

Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Really funny jokes-Foul mouthed parrot

A rather large lady had saved her money for a long time to be able to afford a cruise on a ship to the Bahama's.

When she gets settled in her cabin she goes to the dining room for her first meal on board, and is invited to sit at the Captain's table.

As she is seated at the table a mimmicking voice behind her loudly squawks, "Aawwk, Lady! How's your hole?"

Totally embarrassed, she turns to see a parrot on his perch behind her. She says to the steward, "Will you "Please" get rid of that foul mouthed beast?"

The steward replies, "I can't madam, that is the Captains parrot, which he dearly loves."

As the meal progresses to its end the bird continues to harrass the lady with his loud squawks, "Aawwk, Lady! How's your hole?"

The embarrassed woman finally retires to her cabin and goes into a restless sleep.

In the middle of the night the ship sinks rather suddenly and the lady finds herself floating in the ocean on a chest. As daylight breaks the next morning the lady hears this loud squawk behind her, "Aawwk, Lady! How's your Hole?"

The lady turns around to see the parrot floating on some debris and she replies, "Aah, Shut Up!"

The parrot says, "Aawwk, Mine too! Must be the salt water!"

Adult jokes-More pick up lines

1. You remind me of a championship bass, I don't know whether to mount you or eat you!

2. Could I touch your belly button . . . from the inside?

3. I'm not too good at algebra, but doesn't U+I = 69?

4. How about we play lion and lion tamer? You hold your mouth open, and I'll give you the meat.

One line jokes-Fast Camera

Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed; they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

Really funny jokes-Art supply store

I used to work in an art supply store. We sold artists' canvas by the yard, and you could get it in either of two widths: 36 inches or 48 inches.

Customer: "Can you please cut some canvas for me?"

Me: "Certainly, what width?"

Customer: (confused and slightly annoyed) "Scissors?"

Good jokes-TSA Slogans

TSA Slogans

- Grope discounts available.

- Can't see London, can't see France, unless we see your underpants.

- If we did our job any better, we'd have to buy you dinner first.

- Only we know if Lady Gaga is really a lady.

- Don't worry, my hands are still warm from the last guy.

- Throw a few back at the airport Chili's and you won't even notice.

- Wanna fly? Open your fly!

- We've handled more balls than Barney Frank.

- We are now free to move about your pants

- We rub you the wrong way, so you can be on your way.

- It's not a grope. It's a freedom pat.

- When in doubt, we make you whip it out.

One line jokes-Great healer

Time may be a great healer, but it's also a lousy beautician.

Hilarious jokes-Beer contains female hormones!

Beer contains female hormones!

Yes, that's right, FEMALE hormones!

Last month, Montreal University and scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain Phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.

To test the theory, 100 men each drank 8 schooners of beer within a one (1) hour period.

It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects,

....yes, 100% of all these men:

1) Argued over nothing.

2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.

3) Gained weight.

4) Talked excessively without making sense.

5) Became overly emotional.

6) Couldn't drive.

7) Failed to think rationally, and

8) Had to sit down while urinating.

No further testing was considered necessary!

Short funny jokes-Two fish

Two fish swim into a concrete wall.
The one turns to the other and says "Dam!"

Really funny jokes-Strange habit

A farmer’s horse dies and he heads into town to buy a replacement.

He heads to the local horse dealer to see what’s available. He looks at several fine horses but they are all way beyond what he can afford. He explains his predicament to the dealer who tells him, “Come around back, I think I may have something for you”

He shows him a horse that while not as impressive as those out front, seems to be healthy and strong. And the price is less than half the others.

“Before I can sell you this horse,” explains the dealer, “There’s something I have to tell you”

“I knew there had to be a catch” said the farmer, “What is it?”

“Well, this horse likes to sit on banana peels.” said the dealer. “If he sees a banana peel anywhere, he’ll sit on it and you won’t be able to budge him for half an hour”

The farmer thinks this over for a while and decides that it’s pretty unlikely he’ll come across too many banana skins, so he agrees to buy the horse.

He saddles it up and heads for home. A few miles down the trail the farmer is feeling pretty good about the whole deal, the horse is sure footed and responds well to the reins. He figures he got a good bargain.

Suddenly, up ahead, he spies something yellow on the ground. As they get closer he realizes that it’s a banana peel. The trail is too narrow to go around the banana peel so he decides to cross to the trail on the other side of the river. He steers the horse into the river and they start to cross.

Halfway across the river the horse suddenly sits down and the farmer is thrown into the water cracking his head on a rock.

Nothing the farmer can do will get the horse on it’s feet again. Soaking wet, bleeding and shivering with cold, the farmer wades to the other bank.

Half an hour later the horse gets back on its feet and walks to shore. The farmer rides it back to the farm without incident.

The next time the farmer is in town, the dealer sees him and asks how he’s making out with his new horse.

“Terrible!” says the farmer. He points to the gash on his head and tells him the story of what happened in the river.

The dealer smacks his hand to his forehead and says…

“Oh! I forgot to tell you! He sits on fish too”

Redneck jokes-Married

How can you tell if a Texas redneck is married?

There is dried chewing tobacco on both sides of his pickup truck.

Really funny jokes-Overloading

A man driving home late at night in his Volkswagen beetle car was stopped by by policemen on patrol.

The police asked the man to produce his car document.

When they could not fault the document, the next question to the man was: "My friend, do you realize that you committed a criminal offense by driving alone in this car at late night?"

The man became angry and responded: "How could you say that? God the father, the son and holy spirit, prophet Elijah and Angels Micheal and Gabriel are all with me in the Car."

The policeman replied: "You mean, all these people are in this small car? I charge you for overloading!"

Finance jokes-Stockbroker or fisherman?

The Walton's invited their new neighbors over to dinner. During dinner Mr.Walton was asked what he did for a living.

Eight years old Brian Walton jumped in and said, "Daddy is a fisherman!" To which Mrs.Walton replied, "Brian, why do say that. Your daddy is a stockbroker, not a fisherman."

"No mom. Everytime we visit dad at work and he hangs up the phone he laughs, rubs his hands together and says 'I just caught another fish'."

Funny jokes-Wanted!

* Wanted: Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.

* Wanted: Mother's helper - peasant working conditions.

Really funny jokes-Defining a Will

What's the definition of a will?

It's a dead giveaway.

Health jokes-Age is catching up

I know age is catching up with me when

- I'm smiling all the time because I can't hear a word you're saying.

- I'm very good at telling stories...over and over and over and over.

- I'm wrinkled, saggy and lumpy, and that's just my left leg.

- I'm walking more (to the bathroom) and enjoying it less.

- I'm the first one to find the bathroom wherever I go.

- I'm awake many hours before my body allows me to get up.

- I'm the life of the party... even when it lasts 'till 8pm.

- I'm usually interested in going home before I get to where I'm going.

Funny jokes-Christmas invitation

It was Christmas time and this woman invited all her family to her house to eat. So they gathered around the table and she asked her son to pray.

He said: "But I do not know what to say."

She said: "Say what I said this morning."

So he said: "Dear God, why did I invite all these people to my house?"