Really funny jokes-Hourly Rate

Sign seen in repair shop (directed at customers):

Hourly rate: $10.50

Hourly rate if you sit and watch: $12.50

Hourly rate if you sit, watch, and comment: $15.50

Hourly rate if you sit, watch, comment, and "help": $20.00

Short funny jokes-Height of flirting

What is the height of flirting ?
When your love letter starts with . . . .
"TO WHOMSOEVER IT MAY CONCERN"

Four funny wedding shorts

1) The five essential words for a good marriage: 'I apologize' and 'You are right.'

2) A wedding ring may not be as tight as a tourniquet, but it does an equally good job of stopping circulation.

3) If your wife wants to learn how to drive, don't stand in her way.

4) My opinions are my wife's, and she says I'm lucky to have them.

Adult jokes - Doctor's wife

A doctor and his wife are having a terrible fight at the breakfast table.

The doctor gets up in a rage and walks out yelling, "and you are not any good in bed either" as he storms out of the house.

After sometime he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends.

He calls his wife and after at least a dozen rings she answers the phone.

Again irritated the doctor says "what took you so long to answer the phone"?

She says, "I was in bed". "In bed this late in the day, doing what"?

"I was getting a second opinion" she replied.

Doctor jokes-Three bottles of pills

A man goes to the doctor and tells him that he hasn't been feeling well.

The doctor examines him, leaves the room and comes back with three different bottles of pills. The doctor says, "Take the green pill with a big glass of water when you get up. Take the blue pill with a big glass of water after lunch. Then just before going to bed, take the red pill with another big glass of water."

Startled to be put on so much medicine the man stammers, "Jeez doc, exactly what's my problem?"

The Doctor says, "You're not drinking enough water."

Thanksgiving jokes-You might be a Redneck if

You Might Be A Redneck If:

* You've ever had Thanksgiving dinner on a Ping-Pong table.

* Thanksgiving dinner is squirrel and dumplings.

* You've ever re-used a paper plate.

* If you have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Cool Whip on the side.

* If you've ever used your ironing board as a buffet table.

* On Thanksgiving Day you have to decide which pet to eat.

Short funny jokes-Lifesaving tool

My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car. It's designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped in the car. She keeps it in the trunk.

Lawyer jokes-Satisfactory title

A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA loan for a client. He was told the loan would be granted if he could prove satisfactory TITLE to a parcel of property being offered as collateral. The title to the property dated back to 1803, which took the lawyer three months to track down.

After sending the information to the FHA, the Lawyer received the following response.

(Actual reply from FHA) :

"Upon review of your letter adjoining your client's loan application, we note that the request is supported by an Abstract of Title. While we compliment the able manner in which you have prepared and presented the application, we must point out that you have only cleared title to the proposed collateral property only back to 1803. Before final approval can be accorded, it will be necessary to establish clear the title of the property back to its ORIGIN."

Truly annoyed, the Lawyer responded as follows :

(Actual response):

"Your letter regarding title in Case No.189156 has been received. I note that you wish to have the title search extended further than the 206 years covered by the present application. I was unaware that any educated person in this country, particularly those working in the properties department, would not know that Louisiana was purchased by the United States from France in 1803, the year of origin as identified in our original application.

For edification of apparently ignorant FHA bureaucrats, the title to the land prior to U.S. ownership was obtained from France, which had acquired it by Right of Conquest from the Royal Monarchy of Spain .

The land came into the possession of Spain by Right of Discovery made in the year 1492 by a sea captain named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the exclusive privilege of seeking a new route to India by the ruling Spanish Monarch, Her Highness Queen Isabella of Spain.

The good Queen Isabella, being a pious woman and almost as careful about titles as the FHA, took the precaution of securing the blessings of His Eminence, The Pope, before she sold her precious crown jewels to finance Columbus's expedition - thus establishing payment of price for acquisition.

Now the Pope, as I'm sure you ( or someone in the FHA ) may possibly know, is the official acknowledged emissary of Lord Jesus Christ, the Son of GOD, ... and GOD, as it is commonly accepted, created this World.

Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume that God also made this part of the world called Louisiana. GOD, therefore, would be the ORIGINAL rightful Owner and His origins date back to before the beginning of Time, the World as we know it, and the FHA. I hope you find God's original title to be satisfactory.

Now, may we have that *@#+~%* Loan ?"

The loan was immediately approved.

Really funny jokes-Toilet paper

Two Norwegians were talking in the park when a bird splattered one of them on the head. Eyeing the mess, the victim's companion offered to go get some toilet paper.

"Won't do no good," said the messed-up one, "by the time you get back, that bird will be four miles away."

Good jokes-Watch for birthday

A wife says to husband, "Today is your son's birthday. We still need to get him a present. What should we get?"

The husband says to his wife, "Well, what does he want?"

The wife replies, "He wants a watch!"

"OK, tell him tonight we'll let him."

Hilarious jokes-GI insurance

Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.

It wasn’t long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones was having a staggeringly high success-rate, selling insurance to nearly 100% of the recruits he advised.

Rather than asking him about this, the Captain stood at the back of the room and listened to Jones’ sales pitch.

Jones explained the basics of GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said, “If you are killed in a battle and have a GI Insurance, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. But, if you don’t have a GI insurance and get killed in the battle, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000.”

“Now,” he concluded, “which group do YOU think they are going to send into battle first?”

Kids jokes-Cheat

You know that Mary Jane that lives down the road is a cheat", declared Jenni's little boy.

"Why do you say that?", Jenni asked.

The boy reported, "Well she said she'd show me hers if I showed her mine- but it turned out she hasn't got one!

Really funny jokes-Final Wishes

Three buddies die in a car crash, they go to heaven to an orientation.

They are all asked, "When you're in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?"

The first guy says, "I'd like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."

The second guy says, "I'd like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."

The last guy replies, "I'd like to hear them say......LOOK, HE'S MOVING!!!!"

Clean jokes-Rattlesnakes

Felix, my husband, was playing golf with our town's fire chief when he hit a ball into the rough. As Felix headed for the brush to find his ball, the chief warned him, "Be careful, the rattlesnakes are out."

The chief explained that calls had been coming in all week requesting assistance with removing the snakes.

"You've got to be kidding," Felix replied in astonishment. "People actually call the fire department to help them with rattlesnakes? What do you say to them?"

"Well," said the chief, "the first thing I ask is, 'Is it on fire?'"

Funny jokes-Dealing with customers

Young Mwangi was appointed sales person at a local General Dealer's store in Kampala .

While on one of his shifts, a lady approached him and asked if they had peach jam to which he bluntly replied, "Out of stock." At this, the lady immediately turned to leave the shop in disgruntlement.

It was then that the shopkeeper, who had been looking on, called Mwangi aside and told him, "When a customer asks for a product that is out of stock, you apologize for its unavailability, and then offer other types of the same product. For instance in this case it was peach jam; offer other types of jam like plum jam, guava jam and so on."

Next, came in another lady who asked for toilet paper and Mwangi politely replied, "I am sorry ma'am, we do not have any toilet paper right now but you could try carbon paper, manila paper or sand paper!

Blonde jokes-Instant lottery

What do a blonde and an instant lottery ticket have in common?

All you have to do is scratch the box to win.

Really funny jokes-Beef tongue

A lady goes into the butcher shop and as she is walking around the store, she spies a beef tongue in the butcher's counter. The lady asks, "What in the world is that?"

" Beef tongue," replies the butcher!

The lady gives a little involuntary shudder, "No way would I put anything in my mouth that came out of an animal's mouth!"

The butcher nods sympathetically while peeking into the woman's shopping cart, "I see you're buying a dozen eggs!"

Short funny jokes-Salary

An employer gave his new secretary a dress for her first week's salary.

The next week he raised her salary.

Good jokes-Operated for Appendicitis

In a train compartment, there are 3 men and a ravishing young girl. The four passengers join in conversation, which very soon turns to the erotic.

Then, the young girl proposes, "If each of you will give me $1.00, I will show you my legs."

The men, charmed by this young girl, all pull a buck out of their wallet.

And then the girl pulls us her dress a bit to show her legs.

Then she says, "If each of you gentlemen will give me $10.00, I'll show you my thighs," and men being what they are, they all pull out a ten dollar bill. The girl pulls up her dress all the way to her legs in full.

Conversation continues, and the men, a bit excited, have all taken off their coats.

Then the young girl says, "If you will give me $100, I will show you where I was operated on for appendicitis."

All three fork over the money. The girl then turned to the window and points outside at a building they're passing. "See there in the distance. That's the hospital where I had it done!"

Really funny jokes-Government matchmaker

A person visited the government matchmaker for marriage, SDU, and requested "I am looking for a spouse. Please help me to find a suitable one." The SDU officer said, "Your requirements, please." "Oh, good looking, polite, humorous , sporty, knowledgeable, good in singing and dancing. Willing to accompany me the whole day at home during my

leisure hour, if I don't go out. Telling me interesting stories when I need companion for conversation and be silent when I want to rest." The officer listened carefully and replied,
"I understand you need television."

Hilarious jokes-Very hot day

The weather was very hot and a man wanted desperately to take a dive in a nearby lake.

He didn't bring his swimming outfit, but He was all alone. So he undressed and got into the water.

After some delightful minutes of cool swimming, a pair of old ladies walked onto the shore in his direction. He panicked, got out of the water and grabbed a bucket lying in the sand nearby. He held the bucket in front of his private parts and sighed with relief.

The ladies got nearby and looked at him. He felt awkward and wanted to move.

Then one of the ladies said: 'You know, I have a special gift, I can read minds.'

'Impossible', said the embarrassed man, 'You really know what I think?'

'Yes', the lady replied, 'Right now, I bet you think that the bucket you're holding has a bottom.'

Office jokes-Angry secretary

A cute, good looking secretary came angrily out of the boss's cabin......

A colleague asked : "What happened? "

She replied : "He asked if I am free tonight?'"

I said: "Yes." .....

.... And the bugger gave me 50 pages to type !!!

Really funny jokes-Free Drinks

Early at 3 AM the hotel desk clerk gets a phone call from a drunk guy asking what time the bar opens.

"It opens at noon," answers the clerk.

About an hour later he gets a call from the same guy again, sounding even drunker.

"What time does the bar open?" he asks.

"Same time as before... Noon," replies the clerk.

Another hour passes and he calls again, uncontrolled and blabbering, "What did you shay the bar opins at?"

The clerk then answers, "It opens at noon, but if you can't wait, I can have room service send something up to you in your room."

"No... I don't wanna git in the bar... Ah wanna git OUT of the bar!!!"

Short humor jokes-Green dollars

Q: Why are Yankee dollars green?

A: Because the Jews pick them before they're ripe.

Redneck Sayings

Redneck Sayings

1. "He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down."

2. "Have a cup of coffee, it’s already been ‘saucered and blowed.’"

3. "She’s so stuck up, she’d drown in a rainstorm."

4. "It’s so dry, the trees are bribing the dogs."

5. "My cow died last night so I don’t need your bull."

6. "He’s as country as cornflakes."

Really funny jokes-Live in maid

A husband and his wife advertised for a live-in maid to cook and do the housework. They hired a lovely lass for the job.

She worked out fine, was a good cook, was polite, and kept the house neat. One day, after about six months, she came in and said she would have to quit.

"But why?" asked the disappointed wife.

She hemmed and hawed and said she didn't want to say, but the wife was persistent, so finally she said, "Well on my day off a couple of months ago I met this good-looking fellow from over in the next county, and well, I'm pregnant."

The wife said, "Look, we don't want to lose you. My husband and I don't have children, and we'll adopt your baby if you will stay."

She talked to her husband; he agreed, and the maid said she would stay. The baby came, they adopted it, and all went well.

After several months though, the maid came in again and said that she would have to quit. The wife questioned her, found out that she was pregnant again, talked to her husband, and offered to adopt the baby if she would stay. She agreed, had the baby, they adopted it, and life went on as usual.

In a few months, however, she again said she would have to leave. Same thing. She was pregnant. They made the same offer, she agreed, and they adopted the third baby. She worked for a week or two, but then said, "I am definitely leaving this time."

"Don't tell me you're pregnant again?" asked the lady of the house.

"No," she said, "there are just too many kids here to pick up after."

Good jokes-Tractors

What do you call someone who used to like tractors?

An extractor fan.

Short funny jokes-Garbage

Q. Where does the Lone Ranger take his garbage?

A. "t'da dump, t'da dump, t'da dump dump dump."

Hilarious jokes-Not a pleasant way to wake up

One night at about 3 am, my wife was getting up from the toilet to return to bed when she heard a little noise. It was a suspiciously rodent like sound that seemed to be right in the bathroom with her. She, of course, froze and listened attentively for any further sign of invaders.

After a moment, satisfied that she was alone, she took a step for the door. Rodent scratchy sounds again! She froze, not breathing. Silence. Her heart beat fast as she once again tried to retreat from the bathroom.

This time the noise was accompanied by something touching the back of her leg!

That was, of course, too much to bear. She literally flew the 8 feet to the bed, clearing the foot board by a couple feet, to land screaming by my side.

This is not a pleasant way to wake up. Scrambling into consciousness, now scared half to death myself, I managed to get the light on.

The culprit was right there in plain sight, a trail of toilet paper neatly marked the path from bed to the bathroom.

Funny jokes-Handy Hints

*A mouse trap, placed on top on of your alarm clock, will prevent you from going back to sleep.

*Make bath times as much fun for kiddies as a visit to the seaside by pouring a bucket of sand, a bag of salt and a dog turd into the bath.

*An empty aluminum cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator.

*Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in.

Really funny jokes-Regular Man

When a fellow piano tuner was ill, I took over his assignment of tuning a piano in a girls' boarding house. While I was at work, several of the girls strolled casually through the room in various states of undress.

The climax came when a young lady, barely covered with a small towel, appeared to pay the bill. As I was writing the receipt, she suddenly gave me a bewildered look, then fled, screaming, "That's not our regular man!"

Their regular man is blind.

Yo Mama jokes-In traffic

* Yo Mama's so stupid, she saw a billboard that said "Dodge Trucks" and she started ducking through traffic.

* Yo Mama's so stupid, she got locked out of a convertible car with the top down.

Adult jokes-Had it

An old man walked into a brothel one day and said to the madam, "I would really like a young girl for the night"

"How old are you then sir?" asked the madam.

"I am 98 years old and still going strong, cough, cough!"

"Ninety Eight?!" said the madam, "Don't you realise that you've had it?"

"Oh, really?" replied the old man, "How much do I owe you?"

Really funny jokes-Better Judge

When the famous politician and orator William Jennings Bryan (1860-1925) was a young man, he went to the home of the father of his prospective wife to ask him for her hand in marriage. Bryan was determined to impress the father by quoting from the Bible, and he chose Proverbs 18:22: “He who finds a wife finds a good thing, And obtains favor from the LORD.”

Bryan was unnerved when the father replied by quoting Paul: “So then he that giveth her in marriage doeth well; but he that giveth her not in marriage doeth better.” (1 Corinthians 7:38)

Bryan, never at a loss for words, said: “Yes, but Paul had no wife and Solomon had 700. Therefore, I believe Solomon ought to be the better judge as to marriage.”

Good jokes-Going out!

I was driving around and around a parking garage in search of an available space. Nothing. Then I noticed a couple walking ahead of me.

“Going out?” I called to them hopefully.

“No,” said the man. “Just friends.”

Short funny jokes-Arrested in the coal fields

Q: Did you hear about the hooker who got arrested in the coal fields?

A: She was charged with contributing to the delinquency of a miner.

Clean jokes-Little known Chocolate tidbits..

If you get melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly.

Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices and strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.

Problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in hot car.
Solution: Eat it in the parking lot.

Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off
your appetite and you'll eat less.

A nice box of chocolates provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Isn't that handy?

If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves.

Equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate is a balanced diet.

The preservatives in chocolate make you look younger.

Q. Why is there no such organization as Chocoholics Anonymous?
A. Because no one wants to quit.

Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done!

Hilarious jokes-How fast

A farmer was helping one of his cows give birth when he noticed his 4-year-old son standing wide-eyed at the fence, soaking in the whole event.

The man thought, "Great... he's 4 and I'm gonna have to start explaining the birds and bees. No need to jump the gun, I'll just let him ask and I'll answer."

After everything was over, the man walked over to his son and said: "Well, son, do you have any questions?"

"Just one," gasped the still wide-eyed lad:

"How fast was that calf going when he hit that cow?"

Kids jokes-Honesty

My son, David, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage. Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said with a charming little smile, "We better throw this one out too then, 'cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago.

One line jokes-Scottish farmer

The Scottish farmer thought he'd caught a nasty STD, but it turns out he was just allergic to wool.

Really funny jokes-Free of cost

An ant knocks on the door of a house.

The house owner opens the door.

"I want a place to stay," said the ant.

"I have a vacant room which you can occupy for free of cost," said the owner.

The ant went inside and occupied the vacant room.

After some days, the ant brought in another ant and requested to the owner, "Can you please allow this ant to stay with me?"

"Oh sure, you can do so without paying any rent," said the owner.

After some days the ant brought one more ant and requested the owner to allow the ant to stay with it.

The owner agreed to it without asking for any rent.

This continued as the ant brings in one more and and the owner agrees for it.

One fine day, the ant brought in a tenth ant and requested the owner to allow him also to stay with it.

The owner said, "OK, you can all stay here but you all need to pay rent."

Now the question is: Why did the owner ask for rent when the last ant came in?

Because they are now tenants!

Redneck jokes-You might be one if

You Might Be a Redneck If......

* A tornado hits your neighborhood and does a $100,000 worth of improvement.
* You've used a toilet brush as a back scratcher.
* You've asked the preacher "How's it hangin'?"
* You missed 5th grade graduation because you had jury duty.
* You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph.
* Somebody tells you that you've got something in your teeth and you take them out to see what it is.

Yo Mama jokes-Hunchbacked

Yo mama's so hunchbacked, she has to wear goggles to wash dishes.

Adult jokes | Name after soda pop

Three ladies are sitting in a bar. All of them have husbands named Larry. One lady asks, "If you could name your husband after any soda pop, what would it be?" The first lady thinks for a minute and says, "Moutain Dew, because he can mount and do me anytime." The second lady thinks for awhile and finally says, "7-Up, because he has seven inches and can always get it up." The third lady thinks for a long time and finally says, "Jack Daniels." The other ladies look at her with a confused look and say, "Wait a minute, Jack Daniels is a hard liquor." The third lady says, "Yep, thats my Larry!"

Good jokes-Use my landmower

My neighbour Bill asked if he could use my lawnmower.

I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden.

Funny jokes-Actual writings on Hospital Charts

Actual writings on Hospital Charts

The patient refused autopsy.

The patient has no previous history of suicides.

Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.

Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.

She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared.

The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

Discharge status: Alive, but without my permission.

Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert, but forgetful.

Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

She is numb from her toes down.

While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.

The skin was moist and dry.

Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

Patient was alert and unresponsive.

Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce.

I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.


Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

Skin: somewhat pall, but present.

The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room·

The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.

Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.

Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Smith, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.

The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.

By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.

One line jokes - Mother's opinion

Mother's opinion about 2 days old baby : He is like his father, whenever I talk to him, he goes to sleep.

Really funny jokes-Marriage secret

A couple had been married for 45 years and had raised a brood of 11 children and were blessed with 22 grandchildren.

When asked the secret for staying together all that time, the wife replies, "Many years ago we made a promise to each other: the first one to pack up and leave has to take all the kids...."

Clean jokes-Golf Meditations

If you really want to get better at golf, go back and take it up at a much earlier age.

Since bad shots come in groups of three, a fourth bad shot is actually the beginning of the next group of three.

No matter how bad you are playing, it is always possible to play worse.

When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can either hit one more club or two more balls.

A golf match is a test of your skill against your opponents luck.

Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make two triple bogeys to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe.

You can put "draw" on the ball, you can put "fade" on the ball, but no golfer can put "straight" on the ball.

Don't buy a putter until you've had a chance to throw it.

Short funny jokes-Wnd beneath my wings

Q: What did the maxi pad say to the fart?

A: You are the wind beneath my wings.

Hilarious jokes-Sharing the bed

Three men go on holiday abroad together. The tourist office informs them that there is only one hotel in town with vacancies. The lads go along there, only to be told by reception that there is just one available room left in the hotel. They are not keen, but as it is their only option, they take the room for one evening and share its only bed.

That night, they all enjoy a good night's sleep. In the morning, the guy on the right side of the bed says,
"I dreamt I had the best wank last night."
The guy on the left side says,
"That's funny, I had the exact same dream!".
The guy in the middle says, "I dreamt I was skiing."

Really funny jokes-Rude readhead

The rude redhead was on a blind date set up by a friend. She was disgusted by him - he had bad teeth, and was fairly dirty.

"Wow," he said, "when I was told that you were fiery, I didn't realize they meant you were a redhead."

"Wow," she replied tartly, "I didn't realize that when they said you were under six feet, they meant that's where they dug you up from."

Nursery rhymes children might have missed

HEY DIDDLE, DIDDLE the cat took a piddle,
All over the bedside clock.
The little dog laughed to see such fun,
Then died of electric shock.


GEORGIE PORGY Pudding and Pie,
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
And when the boys came out to play,
He kissed them too 'cause he was gay.

Doctor jokes-Epidural

My niece, pregnant with her second child, was certain she wanted an epidural for pain management during childbirth. Her doctor asked her at which stage of labor she wanted the epidural administered.

Her response: "Just meet me in the parking lot!"

Really good stuff-About Women.Part 2

* Women hate bugs. Even the strong-willed ones need a man around when there's a spider or a wasp involved.

* Women can't keep secrets. They eat away at them from the inside. And they don't view it as being untrustworthy, providing they only tell two or three people.

* Women always go to public restrooms in groups. It gives them a chance to gossip.

* Women can't refuse to answer a ringing phone, no matter what she's doing. It might be the lottery calling.

* Women never understand why men love toys. Men understand that they wouldn't need toys if women had an 'on/off' switch.

* Women think all beer is the same.

* Women keep three different shampoos and two different conditioners in the shower. After a woman showers, the bathroom will smell like a tropical rain forest.

* Women don't understand the appeal of sports.

* Women brush their hair before bed.

* Watch a woman eat an ice cream cone and you'll have a pretty good idea about how she'll be in bed.

* Women are paid less than men, except for one field: Modeling.

* Women are never wrong. Apologizing is the man's responsibility, 'It's there in the Bible'. Hmmm, who was it that gave Adam the apple?