Kids jokes-Birthday party

Little Tommy had been to a birthday party at a friends house. Knowing his sweet tooth, Tommy's mother looked straight into his eyes and said, "I hope you didn't ask for a second piece of cake."
"No," replied Tommy, "but I asked Mrs. Smith for the recipe so you could make some like it, and she gave me two more pieces without me asking."

Humor jokes-Steak

John was furious when his steak arrived too rare.
"Waiter," he shouted, "Didn't you hear me say 'well done'?"
"I can't thank you enough, sir," replied the waiter. "I hardly ever get a compliment."

Really funny jokes-Free drinks

A man in a bar had a couple of beers and the bartender told him he owed four dollars.
"But I paid, don't you remember?" said the customer.
"OK," said the bartender. "If you say you paid, then you did."
The man went outside and told a friend that the bartender couldn't keep track of his customers' bills. The second man rushed in and ordered a beer. When it came time to pay he pulled the same stunt.
The barkeep replied, "If you say you paid, I'll take your word for it."
Soon the customer went into the street, saw an old friend, and told him how to get free drinks.
The man hurried into the bar and began to drink shots when suddenly, the bartender leaned over and said, "You know, a funny thing happened in here tonight. Two men were drinking beer, neither paid and both claimed that they did. The next guy who tries that is going to get punched right in the nose."
"Don't bother me with your troubles," the final patron responded. "Just give me my change and I'll be on my way."

Doctor jokes-Surgery

"I had surgery this year. Nothing serious, thank God. But just before I went under I heard the one thing you don't want to hear, 'Where's my lucky scalpel?'"
-Jonathan Ketz

Really funny jokes-Rest in peace

A new widow requested the epitaph "Rest in Peace" for her husband's tombstone. When she later found he had left his fortune to his mistress, she attempted to get the engraver to change the carving.
This was impossible; the words were chiseled and could not be changed.
"In that case," she said, "please add 'Till We Meet Again.'"

Kids jokes-Swallow the coin

My husband and I had just finished tucking our five young ones into bed one evening when we heard sobbing coming from three-year-old Billy's room. Rushing to his side, we found him crying hysterically. He had accidentally swallowed a penny and was sure he was going to die - no amount of talking could change his mind.
Desperate to calm him, my husband palmed a penny that he happened to have in his pocket and pretended to pull it from Billy's ear. Billy was delighted. In a flash, he snatched it from my husband's hand, swallowed it, and demanded cheerfully, "Do it again, Dad!"

Really funny jokes-Punishment

A newspaper reporter was writing a feature story about prison life and was interviewing one of the prisoners. "Do you watch much television here?"
"Only the daytime shows," the inmate said. "At night we're locked in our cells and don't see any television."
"That's too bad," the reporter said, "But I do think it is nice that the warden lets you watch it in the daytime."
"What do you mean, nice?" the inmate said. "That's part of the punishment!

Humor jokes-Tribe

A bishop discovered a tribe of Indians in the Yukon who had never recorded a baptism, confirmation, or marriage. The bishop soon rectified the situation by baptizing and confirming everyone. He also married every beaming couple that walked by.
Later, the tribal chief told the bishop the tribe had never had so much fun. The bishop asked the chief which part they enjoyed the most.
"The marriage service," the chief said, smiling. "We all got new wives!"

Short doctor jokes-Two places

When I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places, he told me to stop going to those places.

Really funny jokes-Same as me

The Boston taxi driver backed into the stationary fruit stall and within seconds he had a cop beside him.
"Name?"
"Brendan O'Connor."
"Same as mine. Where are you from?"
"County Cork."
"Same as me......"
The policeman paused with his pen in the air.
"Hold on a moment and I'll come back and talk about the old county. I want to say something to this fella that ran into the back of your cab."

Humor in uniform-Three Day Pass

Jacob Adler had just enlisted in the Israeli Army. Monday morning, he reported for duty. He became Private Adler.
The next day, he learned that his best friend had moved his wedding to that weekend, so he asked his Commanding Officer for a three day Pass.
"Are you crazy?" the CO replied. "You just enlisted and you already want a three day pass? You will have to do something spectacular for that recognition! " he added. He then walked away.
Later that day, Private Adler came back in an Arab tank. The CO ran out to greet him.
"I can't believe it!" he said. "You've captured an Arab tank! How did you do it?"
"Let's just say I used what I got up here," the private answered, tapping the side of his head.
"Ah, won't share your secrets, huh?" the CO said. "Well, good going, Private. You've certainly earned your three day pass!"
All excited, the CO jumped in the tank and drove it to the base headquarters. Private Adler started toward his barrack.
"Jacob! Wait up!" his friend called out as he ran up to him. He caught up with the private. "How did you do it?" he asked.
Private Adler looked around and then answered, "It was like this. I jumped in a tank and drove it to the Arab border. I saw an Arab tank on the other side, so I popped my head out and raised a white flag to get his attention. When the Arab soldier popped his head out of his tank, I said, "Hey! Do you want to get a three day pass?" He said,
"Yes!" I said, "Me too!" So we switched tanks!"

Humor jokes-Jewelery

Mrs. Johnson decided to have her own portrait painted by a very famous artist.

She told the artist, "Paint me with 3- carat diamond earrings, a large diamond necklace, glimmering emerald bracelets, and a beautiful red ruby pendant."

"But ma'am, you are not wearing any of those things."

"I know," said Mrs. Johnson. "My health is not good and my husband is having an affair with his secretary. When I die I'm sure he will marry her, and I want that fool to go nuts looking for the jewelry."

Really funny jokes-Court Stenographer

A man who had never been in a court of law before was put on the stand as a witness.
The court stenographer recorded every word he said.
The man started to talk faster.
The stenographer' s fingers flew across her keyboard.
The man spoke even faster, but finally came to an abrupt halt and said, "Miss, will you stop writing so fast? I can't keep up with you!"

Office jokes clean -Heating the nut

I was working in a scrap yard repairing construction equipment. One afternoon, I was taking apart a piling hammer that had some very large bolts holding it together.
One of the nuts had corroded on to the bolt; to free it, I started heating the nut with an oxy-acetylene torch. As I was doing this, one of the dimmest apprentices I have ever known came along.
He asked me what I was doing. I patiently explained that if I heated the nut, it would grow larger and release its grip on the bolt so I could then remove it.
"So things get larger when they get hot, do they?" he asked.
Suddenly, an idea flashed into my mind. "Yes," I said, "that's why days are longer in summer and shorter in winter."
There was a long pause, then his face cleared. "You know, I always wondered about that," he said.

Kids jokes-Emergency

At a children's hospital, a little boy about three years old was brought into the emergency room. He had filled both ears with tiny pebbles.
After working over an hour to remove the stones, the doctor asked, "Son, why would you stuff so many pebbles in your ears?"
"Because," he replied matter-of-factly, "they kept falling out of my nose."

Really funny jokes-Riddle

A Norwegian took a trip to Fargo, North Dakota. While in a bar, an Indian on the next stool spoke to the Norwegian in a friendly manner.
"Look," he said, "let's have a little game. I'll ask you a riddle. If you can answer it, I'll buy you a drink. If you can't then you buy me one. OK?"
"Ja, dat sounds purty good," said the Norwegian.
The Indian said, "My father and mother had one child. It wasn't my brother. It wasn't my sister. Who was it?"
The Norwegian scratched his head and finally said, "I give up. Who vas it?"
"It was ME," chortled the Indian.
So the Norwegian paid for the drinks.
Back in Sioux Falls the Norwegian went into the bar and spotted one of his cronies.
"Sven," he said, "I got a game. If you can answer a question, I'll buy you a drink. If you can't, you have to buy me vun. Fair enough?"
"Fair enough," said Sven.
"Ok," the Norwegian said, "my father and mudder had vun child. It vasn't my brudder. It vasn't my sister. Who vas it?"
"Search me," said Sven. "I give up, who vas it?"
The Norwegian burst out, "It vas some Indian up in Fargo, North Dakota!"

Clean jokes-Haircut

Boss: You got your hair cut on company time.
Susie: It grew on company time.
Boss: Not all that hair.
Susie: I didn't get it all cut.

Humour Jokes Funny -Twins

Already the father of two rambunctious boys, the husband was thrilled when the doctor announced they were going to have twins this time. He told his wife that she should start thinking of names.
"Well, let's see." she said. "We already have Adolph and Rudolph. How about Getoff and Stayoff ?"

Really funny jokes-Bad check

A news story said the police caught a guy trying to cash a phony check and took him down to the station.
While the officers were distracted, the crook grabbed the check off the desk and swallowed it with no problem: the police then waited five or six hours and then charged the guy with passing a bad check twice.

One wish

One night a blonde nun was praying in her room when God appeared before her.

"My daughter, you have pleased me greatly. Your heart is full of love for your fellow creatures and your actions and prayers are always for the benefit of others. I have come to you, not only to thank and commend you, but to grant you anything you wish."

"Dear Heavenly Father, I am perfectly happy. I am a bride of Christ. I am doing what I love. I lack for nothing material since the church supports me. I am content in all ways."

"There must be something you would have of me," said God.

"Well, there is one thing," she said.

"Just name it," said God.

"It's those blonde jokes. They are so demeaning to blondes everywhere, not just to me. I would like for blond jokes to stop."

"Consider it done," said God. "Blond jokes shall be stricken from the minds of humans. But surely there is something that I could do just for you."

"There is one thing. But it's really small, and not worth your time," said the nun.

"Name it. Please," said God.

"It's the M&M's," said the nun. "They're so hard to peel!"

Clean jokes-Bill

A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.
After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"
"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."
The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try.
The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills. When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.

Humor jokes-Pregnant

A young lass confesses to her mother that she's pregnant.
Following the initial bawling-out, the mother calms down and asks, "Well, is he going to do the 'right' thing?"
"Of course, mom!" replied the daughter. "He says I can keep the baby."

Doctor jokes-Forgetful

The man looked a little worried when the doctor came in to administer his annual physical, so the first thing the doctor did was to ask whether anything was troubling him.
"Well, to tell the truth, Doc, yes," answered the patient. "You see, I seem to be getting forgetful. I'm never sure I can remember where I put the car, or whether I answered a letter, or where I'm going, or what it is I'm going to do once I get there - if I get there; so I really need your help. What can I do?"
The doctor mused for a moment, then answered in his kindest tones, "Pay me in advance."

Humor jokes-Breathalyzer

"Shhaaayyy, buddy, what's a 'Breathalyzer' ?" asked one drunk to his friend at the next barstool.
"Well, I'd have to say that it's a bag that tells you when you've drunk way too much," answered the equally wasted gent.
"Ah hell, whaddya know? I've been married to one of those for years!"

Really funny jokes-Court sets atheist holiday

In Florida, an atheist became incensed over the preparation of Easter and Passover holidays. He decided to contact his lawyer about the discrimination inflicted on atheists by the constant celebrations afforded to Christians and Jews with all their holidays while atheists had no holiday to celebrate.
The case was brought before a judge. After listening to the long passionate presentation by the lawyer, the Judge banged his gavel and declared, 'Case dismissed!'
The lawyer immediately stood and objected to the ruling and said, 'Your honor, how can you possibly dismiss this case? The Christians have Christmas, Easter and many other observances. Jews have Passover, Yom Kippur and Hanukkah...yet my client and all other atheists have no such holiday!'
The judge leaned forward in his chair and simply said, 'Obviously your client is too confused to even know about, much less celebrate his own atheists' holiday!'
The lawyer pompously said, 'Your Honor, we are unaware of any such holiday for atheists. Just when might that holiday be, your Honor?'
The judge said, "Well it comes every year on exactly the same date---April 1st! Since our calendar sets April 1st as 'April Fools Day,' consider that Psalm 14:1 states, 'The fool says in his heart, there is no God.' Thus, in my opinion, if your client says there is no God, then by scripture, he is a fool, and April 1st is his holiday! Now have a good day and get out of my courtroom!!"

Clean jokes-Beautician

The woman said to her beautician as she sat down for her appointment, "When you're finished with me, will my husband think I'm beautiful?"
"Maybe," replied the beautician, "does he still drink a lot?"

Short humor jokes-Losing hair

"When you lose your hair in front, it means you're a great thinker, while if you lose it in the back, it means you're a great lover."
"Wow! I'm losing it in the front and in the back!"
"Oh, well. That just means you think you're a great lover."

Really funny jokes-Bad eyesight

Arthur is 90 years old. He's played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago.
One day he arrives home looking downcast.
"That's it," he tells his wife. "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has gotten so bad that once I've hit the ball, I can't see where it went."
His wife sympathizes and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit down, she says, "Why don't you take my brother with you and give it one more try."
"That's no good," sighs Arthur. "Your brother's a hundred and three. He can't help."
"He may be a hundred and three," says the wife, "but his eyesight is perfect."
So the next day, Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes an almighty swing, and squints down the fairway.
He turns to the brother-in-law. "Did you see the ball?"
"Of course I did!" replies the brother-in-law. "I have perfect eyesight."
"Where did it go?" asks Arthur.
"I don't remember."

Humor jokes-Shipwrecked Mariner

The shipwrecked mariner had spent several years on a deserted island. Then one morning he was thrilled to see a ship offshore and a smaller vessel pulling out toward him.
When the boat grounded on the beach, the officer in charge handed the marooned sailor a bundle of newspapers and told him, "With the captain's compliments. He said to read through these and let us know if you still want to be rescued."

Really funny jokes-A prayer in the woods

In the middle of a forest, there was a hunter who was suddenly confronted by a huge, mean bear. In his fear, all attempts to shoot the bear were unsuccessful. Finally, he turned and ran as fast as he could. The hunter ran and ran and ran, his lungs burned for lack of oxygen, his heart pounding so hard he felt like it would burst out of his chest.
Then suddenly, he ended up at the edge of a very steep cliff. His hopes were dim. Seeing no way out of his predicament, and with the bear closing in rather quickly, the hunter got down on his knees, opened his arms, and exclaimed, "Dear Lord! Please give this bear some religion!"
The skies darkened, and there was lightning in the air. Just a few feet short of the hunter, the bear came to abrupt stop, and glanced around, somewhat confused.
Suddenly, the bear looked up into the sky, kneeled and said, "Thank you, Lord, for this food I'm about to receive...."

Really funny jokes-Witness insists

With Betty on the witness stand the attorney opened his questioning. "Where were you the night of August 24th?"

"Objection! Irrelevant!" Cried the other lawyer.

"Oh, that's okay," said Betty from the stand. "I don't mind answering the question."

"I object!" the lawyer said again.

"No, really," said Betty. "I'll answer."

The judge ruled, "If the witness insists on answering, there is no reason for the defense to object."

So the attorney repeated the question: "Where were you the night of August 24th?"

"I don't know!"

Really funny jokes-First fight

Three weeks after her wedding day, Joanna called her minister.
"Reverend," she wailed, "John and I had a terrible fight!"
"Calm down, my child," said the minister, "It's not half as bad as you think. Every marriage has to have its first fight!"
"I know, I know!" said Joanna. "But what am I going to do with the body?"

Clean jokes-Daughter & Son

Two mothers met for coffee one morning, and the conversation naturally turned to their kids.
"Well, Martina, how are your kids?", asks Jessica.
"To tell you the truth," says Martina, "my George has married a witch! She doesn't get out of bed until 11. She's out all day spending his money on Heaven knows what, and when he gets home, exhausted, does she have a nice hot dinner for him? NO! She makes him take her out to dinner at an expensive restaurant."
"Hmmm ... and how is your daughter?", Jessica asks.
"Ah!", says Martina. "Cathy has married a saint! He brings her breakfast in bed, he gives her enough money to buy all she needs, and in the evening he takes her out to dinner at a nice, fancy restaurant."

Humor jokes-Scratch

A young bride was scouring the aisles of the supermarket. Up and down each aisle she went, then started over again. The store manager noticed this and went over to her.
"Can I help you find something, miss?" he asked.
"It's Mrs.!", she said proudly, "I just got married."
"Congratulations, " said the manager. "What can I help you find?"
"Scratch," she replied.
"Scratch?" he asked, "Is that a new cleanser or something?"
"No silly," she replied brightly. "My husband told me that his mother made everything from scratch, so I need to find some!"

Really funny jokes-Sea Shells

A little old lady was selling sea shells on a street corner across from the beach one day. A well-dressed man passed by her. She grabbed his arm and asked, "How about some nice seashells?"
"No, thank you," the man replied.
Suddenly, the woman clutched her throat and fell to the pavement.
"What's wrong?" asked the man.
"I think this might be it for me," the old woman whispered. "Please buy some of my seashells."
Deeply touched, the man bought all her shells. He handed her the money. A moment later, she lay down on the sidewalk and her eyes slid peacefully shut.
The next day the man was walking down the same street and once again saw the woman vending her sea shells.
He walked up to a police officer. "I thought she passed away yesterday," the man said. "I was here. I bought all her shells just before it happened!"
The officer smiled knowingly. "Ah, you were conned, my friend," he replied. "You see, she sells seashells by the seizure."

Doctor jokes-Ringing

I remember one time I told my doctor I had a ringing in my ears.
His advice: 'Don't answer it.'

Sardar jokes-Hand Grenade

Q. What do you do when a Sardar throws a hand grenade at you?
A. Pull the pin and throw it back.