Kids jokes-Dollar for the lady

A little girl asked her mother for a dollar to give to an old lady in the park. Her mother was touched by the child's kindness, and gave her the required sum.
"There you are, my dear," said the mother. "But, tell me, isn't the lady able to work any more?"
"Oh yes," came the reply. "She sells candy."

Really Funny Jokes-Sacrifice Love

A man rushes into a Dentist's office accompanied with his wife.
The man pleaded to the dentist, "Doc, I'm in one big of a hurry!
I have two team partners sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf.
I can't wait for anesthetic to work and loose my precious time.
So doc, forget about the anesthetic and just pull the tooth and be done with it.
The dentist pondered to himself, "This sure is a strange strong patient asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain for the love of game."
So the dentist asks him, "Which tooth it is to pull?"
The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth, Honey, and show him your aching tooth."

Really Funny Jokes-3 Irishmen

Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Shamus, were stumbling home from the pub late one night and found themselves on the road which led past the old graveyard.
"Come have a look over here," says Paddy, "it's Michael O'Grady's grave, God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87."
"That's nothing", says Sean, "here's one named Patrick O'Tool, it says here that he was 95 when he died."
Just then, Shamus yells out, "Good God, here's a fella that got to be 145 years old!"
"What was his name?" asks Paddy.
Shamus stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims, "Miles, from Dublin."

short humor jokes-airfare

This guy couldn't decide whether to go to Salt Lake City or Denver for vacation, so he called the airlines to get prices. "Airfare to Denver is $300," said a cheery salesperson.
"And what about Salt Lake City?"
"We have a really great rate to Salt Lake--$99.00, but there is a stopover."
"Where?"
"Denver."

Sardar jokes

Santa : Why did the man put his radio in his refrigerator?
Banta : I give up.
Santa : Stupid, because he wanted to hear cool music
-----------

Jasmeet : "Your honor, I want to divorce my husband Santa."
Judge : "But why ?"
Jasmeet : "Because he is not faithful to me."
Judge : "How do you know ?"
Jasmeet : "My lord, not a single child resembles him."

Kids jokes-Two children

Two children were sitting outside a clinic. One of them was crying very loudly.
2nd Child: Why are you crying?
1st Child: I came here for blood test.
2nd Child: So? Are you afraid?
1st Child: No. Not that. For the blood test, they cut my finger.
At this, the second one started crying. The first one was astonished.
1st Child: Why are you crying now?
2nd Child: I have come for my urine test!

Really Funny Jokes-Country club

A member of the Country Club asked the lifeguard how he might go about teaching a young lady to swim.
"It takes considerable time and technique." replied the guard. "First you must take her into the water, then place one arm about her waist, hold her tightly, then take her right arm and raise it very slowly..."
"This is certainly most helpful." said the member. "I know that my sister will appreciate it."
"Your sister?" said the lifeguard. "In that case, just push her into the deep end of the pool. She'll learn in a hurry."

short humor jokes

While reading a newspaper, Morty came across an article about a beautiful actress marrying a football player who was not noted for his IQ.
"I'll never understand," he said to his wife, "Why do the biggest jerks get the most attractive wives."
His wife replied, "Why, thank you, dear."

Really Funny Jokes-Young marriage

A six-year-old boy told his father he wanted to marry the little girl across the street. The father being modern and well-schooled in handling children, hid his smile behind his hand.
"That's a serious step," he said. "Have you thought it out completely?"
"Sure," his young son answered. "We can spend one week in my room and the next in hers. It's right across the street, so I can run home if I get lonely in the night."
"How about transportation? " the father asked.
"I have my wagon, and we both have our tricycles," the little boy answered. The boy had an answer to every question the father raised.
Finally, in exasperation, the man asked, "What about babies? When you're married, you're liable to have babies, you know."
"We've thought about that, too," the little boy replied. "We're not going to have babies. Every time she lays an egg, I'm going to step on it!"

Funny jokes-Two lawyers

Two lawyers had been life long friends: they were partners and shared everything , including their hot-blooded secretary.
One day the secretary announced she was pregnant. They told her not to worry and assured her that they would pay all medical costs and would act as co-fathers when the child was born and provide all expenses thereafter.
The day of delivery arrived. Both the lawyers were at the hospital pacing the floor in the waiting room. Finally one of them said, "I can't take this, I'm going down to sit in my car and wait there. Please come down and tell me as soon as the child is born!"
The partner agreed to do that. About an hour later the partner approached the car with a very grave look on his face.
"What happened ?" asked the waiting car occupant.
The other partner announced, "They were twins and mine died!"

Sardar jokes-forgetful

One day a sardarji was sitting in his office on The thirteenth floor building when a man came running in to his office and shouted "Santa singh your daughter Preeto just died in an accident" Sardarji was in panic. Not knowing what to do he jumped from his office window. While coming down when he was near the tenth floor he remembered he didn't have a daughter named Preeto. When he was near the fifth floor he remembered he was not married.When he was about to hit the ground he remembered he was not Santa Singh.

short humor jokes-the hand

Q: How do the little boys at Michael Jackson's ranch know when it is bedtime?
A: When the big hand touches the little hand...

Really Funny Jokes-My Doctor

Let me tell you about my doctor.
He's very good.
If you tell him you want a second opinion,
he'll go out and come in again.
~
He treated one woman for yellow jaundice for three years
before he realized she was Chinese.
~
Another time he gave a patient six months to live.
At the end of the six months, the patient hadn't paid his bill,
so the doctor gave him another six months.
~
While he was talking to me, his nurse came in and said,
"Doctor, there is a man here who thinks he's invisible."
The doctor said, "Tell him I can't see him."
~
Another time, a man came running in the office and yelled,
"Doctor, doctor!! -my son just swallowed a roll of film!!"
The doctor calmly replied, "Let's just wait and see what develops."
~
One patient came in and said, "Doctor, I have a serious memory problem."
The doctor asked, "When did it start?"
The man replied, "When did what start?"
~
I remember one time I told my doctor I
had a ringing in my ears. His advice: "Don't answer it."
~
My doctor sure has his share of nut cases.
One said to him, "Doctor, I think I'm a bell."
The doctor gave him some pills and said, "Here, take these -
if they don't work, give me a ring."
~
Another guy told the doctor that he thought he was a deck of cards.
The doctor simply said, "Go sit over there. I'll deal with you later."
~
When I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places,
he told me to stop going to those places.
~
You know, doctors can be so frustrating.
You wait a month and a half for an appointment,
then he says, "I wish you had come to me sooner."

sardar jokes

Santa and Banta were drawing money from ATM
SANTA : i have seen your password - it's 4 stars( ****)
BANTA : ha ha ha ha..... wrong, it's 1258

Funny jokes-The divorcee parents

DIVORCED FATHER: "Daughter, when you go back to your Mom's house tonight, give her this envelope and tell her that since you are now 18, this is the last cheque she'll ever see from me for child support. Then, stand back and watch the expression on her face."

Later...
DAUGHTER: "Mom, Dad asked me to give you this envelope. He said to tell you that since I'm now 18, this is the last child support payment he'll ever have to make to you. Now I'm supposed to stand back and watch the expression on your face."

Later...
DIVORCED MOTHER: "Next time you visit your father, tell him that after 18 years I have decided to inform him that he's not your father...... then, stand back and watch the expression on his face!!

Really Funny Jokes-Taxi Driver

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed , lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.
For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"
The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much. "
The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years."

Really Funny Jokes-Top 10 swimming pickup lines

10."I noticed you thrashing around. Would you like to hold onto my floaties?"
9. "You do know how to inflate your raft, don't you? Just put your lips together and blow."
8. "I'm worried about you getting a sunburn. How about I cover you with my body?"
7. "Don't save me! Let me go down three times."
6. "Wanna go back to my place and do something about that shrinkage?"
5. "Come on, I'm a wealthy neglected housewife, you're a pool boy. It's practically required by law that you do me."
4. "Sorry, babe, did I make you all wet?"
3. "Now how'd you manage to fit that great big thing into that little ol' Speedo?"
2. "Wanna join the 9-foot-deep- end-of-the- pool club?"
and the Number 1 Swimming Pool Pickup Line...
1 "If everybody here accidentally drowned, the first bloated corpse I'd pull out would be yours, sweetheart."

Humor jokes-questions

A father and his small son were out walking one afternoon when the youngster asked how the electricity went through the wires stretched between the telephone poles.
"Don't know," said the father. "Never knew much about electricity. " A few blocks farther on the boy asked what caused lightning and thunder.
"To tell the truth," said the father, "I never exactly understood that myself."
The boy continued to ask questions throughout the walk, none of which the father could explain. Finally, as they were nearing home, the boy asked,
"Pop, I hope you don't mind my asking so many questions... "
"Of course not", replied the father. "How else are you going to learn?"

Really Funny Jokes-Instrument

A very distinguished lady was on a plane arriving from Switzerland. She found herself seated next to a nice priest whom she asked: Excuse me Father, could I ask a favor?"
"Of course my child, What can I do for you?"
Here is the problem, I bought myself a new sophisticated hair remover gadget for which I paid an enormous sum of money. I have really gone over the declaration limits and I am worried that they will confiscate it at customs. Do you think you could hide it under your cassock?"
Of course I could, my child, but you must realize that I can not lie."
You have such an honest face Father, I am sure they will not ask you any questions", and she gave him the hair remover.
The aircraft arrived at its destination. When the priest presented himself to customs he was asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"
From the top of my head to my sash, I have nothing to declare, my son, he replied.
Finding this reply strange, the customs officer asked, "And from the sash down, what do you have?"
The priest replied, "I have there a marvelous little instrument destined for use by women, but which has never been used."
Breaking out in laughter, the customs officer said, "Go ahead Father. Next!

short humor jokes-Honesty

Boss (to the new employee): We are very keen on cleanliness. Did you wipe your feet on the mat as you came in?
New employee: Yes, sir.
Boss: We are also keen on truthfulness. There is no mat.

sardar jokes

Santa Singh died and went to heaven. When he got to the pearly gate Saint Peter told him that new rules were in effect due to the advances in education on earth.
In order to gain admittance a prospective heavenly soul must answer two questions:
1. Name two days of the week that begin with "T".
2. How many seconds are there in a year?
Santa thought for a few minutes and answered...
1. The two days of the week that begin with "T" are Today and Tomorrow.
2. There are 12 seconds in a year.
Saint Peter said, "OK, I'll buy the Today and Tomorrow, even though it's not the answer I expected, so your answer is correct.
But how did you get only 12 seconds in a year?"
Santa replied, "Well, January 2nd, February 2nd,March 2nd, etc...."
Saint Peter lets him in without another word....

Really funny jokes-Someone under bed

Mike goes to a psychiatrist. "Doc, he says, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed I think there is somebody under it. I get under the bed and I think there's somebody on top of it. Top, under, under top. I'm going crazy!! Can you help me?
"Put yourself in my hands for two years, come to me three times a week and I'll cure you," says the shrink.
"OK, but how much do you charge for this?, asks Mike."
"A hundred dollars per visit," says the psychiatrist.
And Mike replies, "I'll think about it."
He never went back. Some time later he met the doctor on the street. "Why didn't you come to see me again?," asks the psychiatrist.
"$100.00 a visit," Mike says. "Why should I want to pay a hundred bucks a visit? My bartender cured me 100% for just ten dollars."
"Is that so! says the shrink. "Just how did he do that?"
And Mike says, "He told me to cut the legs off my bed."

Sardar joke

Jasmeet caught her husband Santa Singh searching high and low all around his living room.
Jasmeet: 'What are you searching for?'
Santa: 'Hidden cameras!'
Jasmeet: 'And what makes you think that there are hidden cameras here?'
Santa: 'That guy on TV knows exactly what I am doing.
Why every few minutes he keeps saying 'You are watching MTV! How does he know that?'

Really funny jokes-The Cure

There was a man who had a wife and she had a problem responding to his desires. This continued for about 6 months. As frustration was welling up within him he decided to see a doctor about his wife's lack of attention toward him.
The doctor, being of the wise kind, gave this man a bottle of pills and said to him, "Now, just before your wife retires give her a cup of milk and slip a couple of these pills in and before you know it she will be more than obliging."
So he goes home very excited and when night comes he offers his wife a cup of milk and slips in a couple of those pills.
He then says to himself, "Now why should she have all the fun?"
So he pours himself a cup and puts the whole bottle into his cup. He takes both cups to his wife in bed and they talk for a bit and drink the milk.
After a half hour, both fall asleep.
Then, the wife suddenly sits up straight in bed, pounds her husband and says, "Darling, Darling! Wake up! Wake up! I need a man now!"
The husband sits up straight and shouts, "So do I! So do I!"

short humor jokes-dollar for old lady

A little girl asked her mother for a dollar to give to an old lady in the park. Her mother was touched by the child's kindness, and gave her the required sum.
"There you are, my dear," said the mother. "But, tell me, isn't the lady able to work any more?"
"Oh yes," came the reply. "She sells candy."

Really funny jokes-Old cowboy in church

One Sunday morning an old cowboy entered a church just before services were to begin. Although the old man and his clothes were spotlessly clean, he wore jeans, a denim shirt and boots that were very worn and ragged. In his hand he carried a worn out old hat and an equally worn out Bible.
The church he entered was in a very upscale and exclusive part of the city. It was the largest and most beautiful church the old cowboy had ever seen. The people of the congregation were all dressed with expensive clothes and accessories.
As the cowboy took a seat, the others moved away from him. No one greeted, spoke to, or welcomed him. They were all appalled at his appearance and did not attempt to hide it.
As the old cowboy was leaving the church, the preacher approached him and asked the cowboy to do him a favor. "Before you come back in here again, have a talk with God and ask him what he thinks would be appropriate attire for worship." The old cowboy assured the preacher he would.
The next Sunday, he showed back up for the services wearing the same ragged jeans, shirt, boots, and hat. Once again he was completely shunned and ignored.
The preacher approached the man and said, "I thought I asked you to speak to God before you came back to our church."
"I did," replied the old cowboy.
"If you spoke to God, what did he tell you the proper attire should be for worshiping in here?" asked the preacher.
"Well, sir, God told me that He didn't have a clue what I should wear. He said He'd never been in this church."

short humor jokes-Smart kid

A lady lost her handbag during a day of shopping. It was found by an honest little boy and returned to her. Looking in her purse, she commented, "Hmmm.... That's funny. When I lost my bag there was a $20 bill in it. Now there are twenty singles."
The boy replied, "That's right, lady. The last time I found a lady's purse, she didn't have change for a reward."

Humor jokes-The new wife

The new wife was being welcomed at the husband's home in a traditional manner.
As expected she gave a speech; "My dear family, I thank you for welcoming me in my new home and family, firstly, my being here does not mean that I would want to change your way of life, your routine. No, I will never do that, never in a million years."
"What do you mean my child?" asked the father-in-law.
"What I mean dad is (looking at her in-laws),
Those who used to wash the dishes must carry on washing them.
Those who used to do the laundry must carry on doing it.
Those who cooked should not stop at my account, AND
Those who used to clean should continue cleaning!!!"
"And what are you here for?" enquired the mother-in-law.
"AS FOR ME, I'M HERE JUST TO ENTERTAIN YOUR SON!!!!!"

Really funny jokes-The Boss

A guy phones up his Boss, but gets the bosses' wife instead:
"I'm afraid he died last week. " she explains.
The next day the man calls again and asks for the boss.
"I told you" the wife replies, "he died last week."
The next day he calls again and once more asks to speak to his boss. By this time the wife is getting upset and shouts:
"I'VE ALREADY TOLD YOU TWICE, MY HUSBAND, YOUR BOSS, DIED LAST WEEK! WHY DO YOU KEEP CALLING?"
" Coz . . ." he replied laughing, "I just love hearing it".

Humor jokes-Chicken Surprise

A couple goes for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and orders the Chicken Surprise.
The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.
Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises lightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.
"Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband.
He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again, the lid rises and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down.
Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening and demands an explanation.
"Please sir," says the waiter, "what you order?"
"Chicken Surprise."
"Ah, so sorry. I bring you Peeking Duck."

Humor jokes-The Wedding

A young woman was preparing for her wedding. She asked her mother to go out and buy a nice long black negligee and carefully place it in her suitcase so it would not wrinkle.
Mom forgot until the last minute, so she dashed out and could only find a short pink nighty. She bought it and threw it into the suitcase.
After the wedding, the bride and groom enter their hotel room. The groom was a little self-conscious, so he asked his new bride to change in the bathroom and promise not to peek while he got ready for bed.
While she was in the bathroom, she opened her suitcase and saw the negligee her mother had thrown in there. She exclaimed, "Oh no, it's short, pink and wrinkled!"
Then her groom cried out, "I told you not to peek!"

short humor jokes-Case of Syphilis

"Father Reilly," the mother superior reported, "I think you should know that there's a case of syphilis in the convent."
"Oh, good," the priest replied. "I was really getting tired of the Chablis."

Humor jokes-Are you kidding?

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked a young Engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"
The Engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."
The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years - say, a red Corvette?"
The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"
And the interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."

Humor jokes-Magician and parrot

There was this magician who had a job on a cruise liner, entertaining the passengers with a nightly show. He was very successful in his job and there was always a full house at all his performances. Life was sweet. The money was rolling in, he had one of the best cabins, ate the best food, mixed with the best people. All was fine until one day the captain bought a parrot.
The highlight of the parrot's day was going along to see the magician in action in the evening. During the magician's performances, the parrot would watch him very carefully during each trick, and immediately after the magician had completed the trick the parrot would call out in a loud squark, " It's up his sleeve, it's up his sleeve," or, " It's down his trousers, it's down his trousers," each time ruining the magician's trick.
Well life was no longer as sweet and the magician started to struggle to satisfy the passengers. The magician naturally got very tired of the parrot and longed to kill it.
Then one night in the middle of the magician's performances, the ship hit an iceberg and sank. Everyone was killed except for the magician and the parrot. The magician managed to swim to a piece of wreckage, climbed aboard and collapsed. The parrot flew towards the magician and perched on the edge of the raft and stared at the magician.
For a whole day the magician was unconscious, and all this time the parrot did not take his eyes off him. Eventually the magician started to stir, and looked up not really knowing where he was or what had happened. He eventually found enough energy to sit up. He then noticed the parrot, who had not stopped focusing his eyes on him all this time.
"All right I give up..." chirped the parrot, ". What have you done with the ship?"

Short funny jokes-Judge

The presiding judge had just completed rendering the court's verdict and was about to pass sentence when he asked the defendant if he had anything to say.

"No, judge, there is nothing I care to say," answered the prisoner. "But if you'll clear away the tables and chairs in this here courtroom for me to beat the HELL outta that arsehole lawyer of mine, you can give me a year or two extra."

Humor jokes-2 Hunters

Two hunters were dragging their dead deer back to their car.
Another hunter approached pulling his along too. "Hey, I don't want to tell you how to do something... but I can tell you that it's much easier if you drag the deer in the other direction. Then the antlers won't dig into the ground."
After the third hunter left, the two decided to try it.
A little while later one hunter said to the other, "You know, that guy was right. This is a lot easier!"
"Yeah," the other added, "but we're getting farther away from the truck...."

Really funny jokes-Delivering a baby

A country doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby.
It was so far out, there was no electricity. When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and her 5-year-old child.
The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see, while he helped the woman deliver the baby.
The child did so, the mother pushed and after a little while, the doctor lifted the newborn baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath.
The doctor then asked the 5-year-old what he thought of the baby.
"Hit him again," the 5-year-old said. "He shouldn't have crawled up there in the first place!"

Short funny jokes-Emotional Extremes

The aspiring psychiatrists were attending their first class on emotional extremes.
"Just to establish some parameters," said the professor to the student from
Arkansas, "What is the opposite of joy?"
"Sadness," said the student.
And the opposite of depression?" he asked of the young lady from Oklahoma.
"Elation," said she.
"And you sir," he said to the young man from Texas, "how about the opposite of woe?"
The Texan replied, "Sir, I believe that would be giddy-up."

Really funny jokes-Live to 100

When a grandmother was in her late eighties, she decided to move to Israel. As part of the preparations, she went to see her doctor and get all her charts.
The doctor asked her how she was doing, so she gave him a litany of complaints -- this hurts, that's stiff, I'm tired and slower, etc.
He responded, "Mrs. Siegel, you have to expect things to start deteriorating. After all, who wants to live to 100?"
The grandmother looked him straight in the eye and replied,
"Anyone who's 99, that's who!"

Humor jokes-Always Late

Tom was in his early 50s, retired and started a second career.
However, he just couldn't seem to get to work on time. Every day, he was five, 10, 15 minutes late.
But, he was a good worker and real sharp, so the boss was in a quandary about how to deal with it. Finally, one day he called Tom into his office for a talk.
"Tom, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic. You do a bang- up job, but your being late so often is quite bothersome."
"Yes, I know boss and I am working on it."
"Well good, you are a team player. That's what I like to hear. It's odd though, your coming in late. I know you're retired from the Air Force. What did they say if you came in late there?"
"They said, 'Good morning, General."

Really funny jokes-Lover

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.
Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly , sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.
The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet,
not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says , "Dark in here."
The man says , "Yes , it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No , thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK , how much?"
Boy - "$150"
Man - "Sold."

In the next few weeks , it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.
Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes , it is."
Boy - "I have a Wilson infielder's glove."
The lover , remembering the last time , asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy - "$350"
Man - "Highway robbery. Sold."

A few days later , the father says to the boy ,"Grab your gloves ,let's go outside and have a game of catch."
The boy says , "I can't , I sold my ball and my glove."
The father asks , "How much did you sell them for?"
The boy says , "$500"
The father says , "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that... that is way more than those two things cost.
I'm going to take you to church and make you confess your greed."

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says , "Dark in here."
The priest says , "Don't start that crap again, you're in my closet now".

Humor jokes-Plane ride

Two strangers were seated next to each other on the plane when the guy turned to a beautiful blonde and made his move by saying " Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
The blonde, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly, and said to the guy, " What would you like to discuss?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the player. "How about nuclear power?"
"Ok," said the blonde. "That could be an interesting topic, but let me ask you a question first.- A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass, the same stuff, yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out flat patties, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"
"Oh hell," said the guy " I have no idea."
"Well" said the blonde, "How is it then you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know crap?"

Really funny jokes-Awful Four letter words

A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother. Her mother asked, "How was the honeymoon?"
"Oh, Mum," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..."
Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, Mum, as soon as we returned Nasir started using the most horrible language...things I'd never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home.... Please Mum!"
Her mother said, "calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words?"
"Please don't make me tell you, Mum," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed, they're just too awful! Come get me, please!"
"Darling, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"
Still sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, Mum, they were words like dust, wash, iron, cook!"

Really funny jokes-A Naughty boy

Three boys are playing outside just after dark, when one of them noticed a light on in a window.
John says to Bob and Tony: "Let's take a peek!" They look in the window and see a pretty woman undressing. Suddenly, John runs away and the other boys can't find him.
The next day, Bob and Tony see John and ask: "Why'd you run away, you some kind of faggot or something?"
John replies: "No...My mother told me that if I ever do anything naughty, say anything naughty or even LOOK at anything naughty, God would turn me into stone. Well, when I looked in that window I started to get hard, so I ran away!"

Humor jokes-Mistress

This married couple was enjoying a dinner out when this gorgeous blonde walks over to their table, exchanges warm greetings with the husband and walks off.
"Who was that?" Demands the wife.
"If you must know, that was my mistress."
"Your MISTRESS? I want a divorce!"
"Are you sure you want to give up a big house in the suburbs, a Honda, furs, jewelry, and a vacation home in Murree?"
They continued dining in silence for a while. Finally, the woman asks, "Isn't that Hamid over there? Who's he with?"
"That’s HIS mistress."
"Oh... Well I think ours is cuter."

Humor jokes-Campaigning

While walking down the street one day a female head of state is tragically hit by a truck and dies. Her soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance."Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts,you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.""No problem, just let me in," says the lady."Well, I'd like to but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.""Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven," says the head of state."I'm sorry but we have our rules." And with that, St. Peter escorts her to the elevator and she goes down, down, down to Hell.The doors open and see finds herself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a club and standing in front of it are all her friends and other politicians who had worked with her, everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet her, hug her, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar. Also present is the Devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes.They are having such a good time that, before she realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives her a big hug and waves while the elevator rises. The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on Heaven where St. Peter is waiting for her."Now it's time to visit Heaven." So 24 hours pass with the head of state joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before she realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns."Well then, you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now choose your eternity."She reflects for a minute, then the head of state answers: "Well, I would never have said it, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in Hell."So Saint Peter escorts her to the elevator and she goes down, down, down to Hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and she is in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. She sees all her friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. The Devil comes over to her and lays his arm on her neck."I don't understand," stammers the head of state. Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and club and we ate lobster and caviar and danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable."The Devil looks at her, smiles and says, "Yesterday we werecampaigning. Today you voted for us!"

short funny jokes-GIUSEPPE SPOMDALUCCI

To impress his date, the young man took her to a very chic Italian restaurant. After sipping some fine wine, he picked up the menu and studied it with an appraising eye.
"We'll have the Giuseppe Spomdalucci, " he said finally.
"Sorry, sir," said the waiter. "That's the owner."

Sardar joke - Sick pet

A Sardar dials the vet's number in the middle of the night, "Doctor, this is an emergency. My favourite dog has collapsed. I am not too sure whether he is already dead. Please advise what to do." ...
"First of all, you need to confirm whether he is dead" ...said the vet.
- "Okay, just hold on for a minute please" ... answered Sardarji.

There was a silence for about a minute, and then the vet could hear a gunshot over the phone.
- "Yes, it's confirmed that he's dead ... next advice please" ... asked the Sardar.

Short funny jokes-Globalization!

What is the truest definition of Globalization?

Princess Diana's death.
An English princess
with an Egyptian boyfriend
crashes in a French tunnel,
driving a German car
with a Dutch engine,
driven by a Belgian who was drunk
on Scottish whisky,
followed closely by Italian Paparazzi,
on Japanese motorcycles;
treated by an American doctor,
using Brazilian medicines.
and you're probably reading this on your computer,
that use Taiwanese chips,
and a Korean monitor,
assembled by Bangladeshi workers
in a Singapore plant,
That, my friend, is Globalization

Sardar joke - Trust

Two sardars go camping and pack a cooler with sandwiches and beer. After three days of walking, they arrive at a great spot but realize they've forgotten a bottle opener.

The first sardar turns to the second and says, "You'v gotta go back and get the opener or else we have no beer."

"No way," says the second. "By the time I get back, you will have eaten all the food."

"I promise I won't," says the other sardar. "Just hurry!"

Nine full days pass and there's still no sign of the second sardar.

Exasperated and starving, the first sardar digs into the sandwiches.

Suddenly, the second sardar pops out from behind a rock and yells, "THATS IT!!! I knew it....now I'm not going!"

Humor jokes-Lucky guy

A deformed and ugly man walks into his local pub with a big grin on his face.
"What are you so happy about? " asks the bartender.
"I'll tell you," replies the ugly man. "You know, I live by the railway. Well, on my way home last night, I noticed a young woman tied to the tracks; like in the movies.
I, of course, went and cut her free and took her back to my place.
Anyway, to make a long story short, I scored big time! We made …. All night, all over the house. We did everything;!"
" Fantastic!" exclaimed the bartender. "You lucky guy. Was she pretty?"
"Dunno...never found the head ."

Short funny jokes-Twins

The young girl was seated in her doctor's office.

"Our tests indicate that you are pregnant," said the
physician, "and there is every indication that you are going to have twins."

"But how can that be, doctor?" the girl protested.
"I've never been out on a double date in my life!"

Humor jokes-Wives are priceless, i'snt it?

A man came home from work and found his three children outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard.
The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house and there was no sign of the dog. Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing.
In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.
He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she might be ill, or that something serious had happened. He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door. As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap and more toys strewn over the floor. Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls.
As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went.
He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?"
She again smiled and answered, "You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world did I do today?"
"Yes," was his incredulous reply.
She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it."

Really funny jokes-The Lawyer

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy.
He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer from New York and is certain that he has a better education then any cop from Houston, Texas. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Texas deputy's expense.
The deputy says, "License and registration, please."
"What for?" says the lawyer.
The deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."
Then the lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
"You still didn't come to a complete stop," says the deputy. "License and registration, please."
The lawyer says, "What's the difference?"
"The difference is you have to come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!" the Deputy says.
Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."
"That sounds fair. Please exit your vehicle, sir," the deputy says.
At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the daylights out of the lawyer and says,
"Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?"

Really funny jokes-Alligator conversation

Two alligators were relaxing in the swamp talking.
The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, "I can't understand how you kin be so much bigger 'n me.
We're the same age, and we was the same size as kids. I just don't git it."
"Well," said the big 'gator, "What you been eatin', boy?"
"Politicians, same as you," replied the small 'gator.
"Hmm. Well, where do y'all catch 'em?"
"Down 'tother side of the swamp near the parkin' lot by the capitol."
"Same here. Hmm. How do you catch 'em?"
"Well, I crawls up into one of them Lexus and wait fer one to open the car door.
Then I jump out, grab 'em on the leg, shake the crap out of 'em, and eat 'em!"
"Ah!" says the big alligator,
"I think I see your problem. You ain't gettin' any real nourishment. "
"See, by the time you get done shakin' the crap out of a Politician, there ain't nothin' left but an arsehole and a briefcase"

Humor jokes-Thoughts

Thought 1
When we are born, our mothers get the compliments and the flowers.
When we are married, our brides get the presents and the publicity.
When we die, our widows get the life insurance.
What do women want to be liberated from?


Thought 2
The average man's life consists of :
Twenty years of having his mother ask him where he is going,
Forty years of having his wife ask the same question;
and at the end, the mourners wondering too

Humor jokes-The Bet

The strong young man at the construction site was bragging he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of Morris,one of the older workmen.
After several minutes, Morris had enough. "Why don't you put your money where your mouth is?" he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back."
"You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "It's a bet! Let's see what you got."
Morris reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right. Get in."

Humor jokes-The Actor

There was once a great actor, who had a problem. He could no longer remember his lines. Finally after many years he finds a theatre where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again.
The director says, "This is the most important part, and it has only one line, you must walk on to the stage carrying a rose, you must hold the rose with just one finger and your thumb to your nose, sniff the rose deeply and then say the line 'Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress.'
The actor is thrilled. All day long before the play he's practicing his line over and over again. Finally the time came. The curtain went up, the actor walked onto the stage, and with great passion delivered the line; "Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress."

The theatre erupted, the audience was screaming with laughter and the director was steaming! "You bloody fool!" he cried, "You have ruined me!"
The actor was bewildered, "What happened? Did I forget my line?" He asked.
"No!" the director screamed, "You forgot the bloody rose!"

Short funny jokes-The leak!

Mr. Gable had a leak in the roof over his dining room, so he
called a repairman to take a look at it. "When did you first
notice the leak?" the repairman inquired.

Mr. Gable scowled. "Last night, when it took me two hours to
finish my soup!"

Really funny jokes-Family stories

A teacher told her young class to ask their parents For a family story with a moral at the end of it, and To return the next day to tell their stories.

In the classroom the next day, Joe gave his example First, "My dad is a farmer and we have chickens. One Day we were taking lots of eggs to market in a basket On the front seat of the truck when we hit a big bump In the road; the basket fell off the seat and all the Eggs broke."
The moral of the story is not to put all Your eggs in one basket..

"Very good," said the teacher.

Next, Mary said, "We are farmers too. We had twenty Eggs waiting to hatch, but when they did we only got Ten chicks."
"The moral of this story is not to count Your chickens before they're hatched .."

"Very good ," said the teacher again, very pleased with The response so far.

Next it was Barney's turn to tell his story: "My dad Told me this story about my Aunt Karen…. Aunt Karen Was a flight engineer in the war and her plane got Hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all She had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a Machete."

"Go on," said the teacher, intrigued.

"Aunt Karen drank the whiskey on the way down to Prepare herself; then she landed right in the middle Of a hundred enemy soldiers. She killed seventy of Them with the machine gun until she ran out of Bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete Till the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten With her bare hands."

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "What did Your father say was the moral of that frightening Story?"

The child said "Stay away from Aunt Karen when she's been Drinking…"

More funny quotes

-How come "abbreviated" is such a long word ?
-Living on Earth may be expensive... but it includes an annual free trip around the Sun.
-Your future depends on your dreams So go to sleep !
-ALCOHOL KILLS SLOWLY So what ? Who's in a hurry ?
-Love is photogenic; it needs darkness to develop

Really funny jokes-Jealous husband

A jealous husband hired a private detective to check on the movements of his wife. The husband wanted more than a written report; he wanted video of his wife's activities.
A week later, the detective returned with a video. They sat down together to watch it. Although the quality was less than professional, the man saw his wife meeting another man! He saw the two of them laughing in the park. He saw them enjoying themselves at an outdoor cafe. He saw them dancing in a dimly lit nightclub. He saw the man and his wife participate in a dozen activities with utter glee.
"I just can't believe this," the distraught husband said.
The detective said, "What's not to believe? It's right up there on the screen!"
The husband replied, "I can't believe that my wife could be so much fun!"

Sardar joke - Buying TV

A Sardar went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain.
"I would like to buy this small TV," he told the salesman.
"Sorry, we don't sell to SARDARs," he replied.
He hurried home removed his turban and changed his hair style, and returned to tell the salesman "I would like to buy this TV."
"Sorry, we don't sell to Sardars,"
Salesman replied.
"Damn, he recognized me," he thought. He went for a complete disguise this time, haircut and new hair color, new outfit, big sunglasses, then
waited a few days before he again approached the salesman. "I would like to buy this TV."
"Sorry, we don't sell to Sardars," he replied. Frustrated,he exclaimed "How do you know I'm a Sardar?"
"Because that's a microwave," he replied.

Humor jokes-the deathbed confession

Becky was on her deathbed with her husband, John, aintaining a steady vigil by her side. As he held her fragile hand, his warm tears ran silently down his face, splashed onto her face, and roused her from her slumber.
She looked up and her pale lips began to move slightly. "My darling John," she whispered.
"Hush, my love," he said. "Go back to sleep. Shhh. Don't talk."
But she was insistent. "John," she said in her tired voice. "I have to talk. I have something I must confess to you."
"There's nothing to confess" replied the weeping John. "It's all right. everything's all right, go to sleep now."
"No, no. I must die in peace, John. I slept with your brother, your best friend and your father."
John mustered a pained smile and stroked her hand. "Hush now Becky, don't torment yourself. I know all about it." he said, "Why do you think I poisoned you?"

Really funny jokes-Valuable Banking

Chris and Mona are flying to Australia for a two-week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary.
Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces, " Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news.
Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives!"
Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island.
An hour later Chris turns to his wife and asks, "Mona, did we pay our Rs 5 lakh deposit cheque yet to Bank?"
" No, sweetheart," she responds.
Chris, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks, "Mona, did we pay our Bank Master card yet?"
"Oh no! I'm sorry. I forgot to send the cheque," she says.
"One last thing, Mona. Did you remember to send cheques for the auto loan to them too this month?" he asks.
"Oh, forgive me, Chris," begged Mona. "I didn't send that one, either."
Chris grabs her and gives her the biggest hug in 40 years. Mona pulls away and asks him, "So, why did you hug me?"
Chris answers, "They'll find us!!!!"

Funny quotes about life

- A conscience does not prevent sin. It only prevents you from enjoying it.
- If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
- War doesn't determine who's right. War determines who's left.
- Best way to prevent hangover is to stay drunk.
- Doesn't expecting the unexpected make the unexpected become the expected?
- If your father is a poor man, it is your fate but, if your father-in-law is a poor man, it's your stupidity.
- Since light travels faster than sound, people appear bright Until you hear them speak.

Funny Quotes

- If I save time, when do I get it back?
- Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
- I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.
- Take my advice, I don't use it anyway.
- As I said before, I never repeat myself.
- Sometimes I need what only you can provide: your absence.
- I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence. There's a knob called brightness, but it doesn't work.

school joke - Gujarati Boy

One day many years ago at a school in South London a teacher said to the class of 5-year-olds, "I'll give $20 to the child who can tell me who was the most respected man,whom people consider God, who ever lived."
An Irish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St. Patrick." The teacher said, "Sorry Alan, that's not correct."
Then a Scottish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St. Andrew." The teacher replied, "I'm sorry, Hamish, that's not right either.
Finally, a Gujarati boy raised his hand and said, "It was Jesus Christ." The teacher said, "That's absolutely right, Jayant, come up here and I'll give you the $20."
As the teacher was giving Jayant his money, she said, "You know Jayant, since you are Gujarati, I was very surprised you said Jesus Christ." Jayant replied, "Yes, in my heart I knew it was Lord Krishna, but business is business!"

sardar joke - clock

Sardarji is in Delhi. He is walking on a street which has a Clock Tower when someone asks him if he wants to buy the clock on the Tower. Sardarji says "Yes". "Give me a thousand rupees and I'll go get a ladder."
The man took the thousand and disappeared. Having waited for several hours the Sardarji figured he was taken for a ride. On the next day the Sardarji is again walking along the same street and the same man asks him to buy the clock. "Give me a thousand rupees and I'll go get a ladder." The Sardarji gives him the thousand and says "I am not a fool.This time, you wait and I'll go get a ladder."

sardar joke

Santa Singh with two red ears went to his doctor. The doctor asked him what had happened to his ears and he answered, " I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang - but instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up
the iron and stuck it to my ear." " Oh Dear! " the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But ..what happened to your other ear?" "The scoundrel called back."