Really funny jokes-Perfect fit

I was a salesman at one of the big departmental stores in Bombay. One day, a lady walked in and asked me to help her select a sky blue shirt that she wanted to gift her husband. When I asked her about the size, she seemed to be at a loss for a while, then suddenly she was cheerful, and holding up her arms, she formed a circle with her thumbs and forefingers.

"I am not sure about the size, but his neck fits perfectly between by hands!"

Adult jokes-Warm up

Kurt comes home from work and finds his wife Katy sliding down the banister.

Kurt says, "What the heck are you doing?"

Katy replies, "Warming up your dinner."

Broom story

Two brooms are getting married. Before the ceremony, the bride broom says to the groom broom, "I think I'm going to have a whisk."

The groom broom says, "How can that be possible? We haven't even swept together!"

Smart thinking

Did you know that in the olden days the Swedes who used to drive on the left, later realized that this caused too many accidents with tourists used to the right, hence they decided to switch to driving on the right side, but because they were smart and thinking people, they decided to affect the switch gradually.

So they came to the conclusion that on the first of the next month all commercial vehicles like cabs and buses would start driving on the right and if all went well, all private vehicles like cars and two wheelers would switch to right the next day.

Really funny jokes-Laws of Auto Racing

Laws of Auto Racing

10) The number of times you get hit in a pileup is directly proportional to the number of times you said "I think it will go ok today".

9) You only get the lead when you need fuel.

8) If a tire can go on the wrong side, it will.

7) A part will never break during a test session, only during a race.

6) The driver behind you is always the one you punted last week.

5) The part you left at the shop is the one you need.

4) The number of laps remaining is always one more than the amount of fuel left in the car.

3) Your good car will get wrecked, your bad car will finish the race, two laps down.

2) The concrete wall is harder at the tracks you wreck at.

1) A 10-car pileup will never happen behind you!

Hilarious jokes-Learning Spanish

An Englishman went to Spain on a fishing trip. He hired a Spanish guide to help him find the best fishing spots. Since the Englishman was learning Spanish, he asked the guide to speak to him in Spanish and to correct any mistakes of usage. They were hiking on a mountain trail when a very large, purple and blue fly crossed their path. The Englishmen pointed at the insect with his fishing rod, and said, “Mira el mosca!” The guide, sensing a teaching opportunity, replied, “No, senor, ‘la mosca’… es feminina.”

The Englishman looked at him, then back at the fly, and then said, “Good heavens… you must have incredibly good eyesight.”

In the mirror

Joshina asks her husband Derek for money, so she can go and buy groceries from the local store.

She asks for 50 dollars but Derek tells her, "You out of your mind?". He then pulls her to the mirror, and says,"I'll show you something. This 50-dollar bill is mine and the one you see in the mirror is yours. Am I clear?"

Joshina says nothing and goes out. 

That evening, Derek finds the kitchen full of groceries. Angered, he demands from his wife where did it all come from. 

Joshina beckons him to the mirror & pulls her skirt up. She says, "The one in the mirror is yours. This one is for the grocer."

Short funny jokes-Kiss goodbye

There was this Swede whose name was Swenson. Swenson took his fat wife everywhere he went. You know why? That's because he wouldn’t have to kiss her goodbye.

Look good!

Robert was shaving his beard when he finds his wife Laila walk into the bathroom and she starts shaving below her waist.

Robert says, "Appraisal meeting with top boss today for promotion. Need to look nice and clean."

Laila says from the other end of the bathroom, "Same here."

Dream

My grandson Jim found a penny in the grass and proudly displayed it to me.

"What good is it?" I said, "You cant buy anything with it."

"Yes you can," Jim replied promptly. "You can buy a dream in a wishing well."

The phases of a Project

I learnt at my workplace that every project goes through the following phases.

• Enthusiasm
• Disillusionment
• Panic
• Search for the guilty
• Punishment of the innocent
• Praise and honors for the non-participants.

Beautiful garden

A parson is congratulating a parishioner on his success at transforming an abandoned plot of land into a beautiful garden. ‘It’s wonderful what man can achieve with the help of the Almighty,’ says the parson. 

‘Yes,’ replies the parishioner. ‘Mind you, you should have seen the state it was in when He had it all to Himself.’

Really funny jokes-New sport

Tom: My wife suggested that I take up a new sport this summer.

Harry: Well, that's nice. It shows that she has your interests at heart. Did she make any suggestions?

Tom: As a matter of fact, she did. By the way, how do you play this Russian Roulette?

Profile pic

A mother says to her teenaged daughter, "Hey, where are you going all dolled up?"

The teenaged daughter replies, "To the washroom. Need to upload a new FB profile pic."

Sportsman spirit

During the game of cricket, Coach Rogers called aside little Dave and asked him, "Tell me Dave, you you understand the words co-operation and teamwork?"

Dave nodded in the affirmative.

The coach asked again, "Do you agree that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?'

Dave nodded in agreement.

Coach Rogers continued, "Then I am sure you would agree that when a batsman is given out, he shouldn't shout at or argue with the umpire, or call him names. Do you agree to that?"

Little Dave nodded in the affirmative again.

Coach Rogers went on, "And when I take you out of the game so another kid gets a chance to play too, it's not good sportsman-spirit to call your coach "a moron or

lunatic" is it?'

Dave shook his head 'No'.

"Good", said coach Rogers, "Now go over there and explain all that to your grandmother!"

Second coming

Nikita went into confession and declared, "I'm pregnant."

The priest asked, "How did you get pregnant, my child?"

Nikita answered, "It must have been the second coming."

The priest, shocked by this reply asked, "What makes you think this has anything to do with the Second Coming?"

Nikita replied, "Because I swallowed the first one..."

Hilarious jokes-Perfect opening

Tommy applied for a job with the Chinalink building society. He meticulously completed the application form and handed it over to the Officer-in-charge, who studied it and when he had finished said "With your credentials, I have the perfect opening for you."

"Great!" Tommy replied.

"It’s called the door" the Officer-in-charge said sternly "Now get out".

Cool it with Beer

Once Dean and Martin came to Martin’s house and heard some noises in Martin’s bedroom upstairs. Surprised and alert, they crept up and peeked inside the bedroom carefully from the gap in the door. They found his milkman in bed with Martin’s wife. They went down silently and into the kitchen.

Martin was shaking with rage. He jerked open the fridge, grabbed two bottles of chilled beer and handed one over to Dean. Both had a couple of sweeps in silence. Dean understood Martin’s rage and said: “Sorry about that, but what about that milkman?”

Martin: “What about him? He can get his own damn beer.”

Hilarious advertising Goof Ups

Advertising Goof Ups

Girl wanted to assist a magician in cutting off head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.

Dinner Special - Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00

For sale: antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.

We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.


Great Dames for sale.

Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.

Really funny jokes-Simple exercises for Keyboard jockeys

Some tips for people who hate to exercise.

For those keyboard jockeys (those with jobs that require sitting at a computer all day) who don't want to spend the money for those fancy exercise machines, here is a little secret for building arm and shoulder muscles. Three days a week is best.

Begin by standing (in your cubicle works well) with a five pound potato sack in each hand. Extend your arms straight out to your sides and hold them there as long as you can.

After a few weeks, move up to ten pound potato sacks and then fifty pound potato sacks, and finally get to where you can lift a one hundred pound potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.

Next, start putting a few potatoes in the sacks.

Home layout

An architect from Bangladesh was visiting India.

An Indian friend of his took him home and showed the Bangladeshi guy around the house.

"This is the living room," said the Indian guy. "This is the dining hall, this is the store room, this is the children's bedroom, this is the master bedroom, this is the kitchen, the bathroom, the lavatory" and so on...

The Bangadeshi architect commented, "I liked the layout".

The Indian friend asked, "So, what kind of layout do you have in Bangladeshi homes?"

The architect from Bangladesh replied, "Well, it's pretty much the same, only there are no partitions."

Employment clause

When Tina returned from  a job interview, her boyfriend asked her how the interview went.

"Went well," said Tina, "but if I take up the job, I won't get a vacation until I get married."

Her boyfriend said, "Never heard of a clause like that! What exactly did they tell you?"

Tina replied, "The application read: 'Vacation cannot be taken until the candidate completes her First Anniversary.'"

Adult jokes-Focus

Anna and Elsa are two Swedish maids who go to the market to get their photograph taken.

Anna asks Elsa, "Why is this guy looking at us in a strange way?"

Elsa said, "He needs to focus."

"Really?" says Anna, "but you tell him he should take the photograph first."

A favor!

The other day, I was jogging at Marine Drive in Mumbai, when I saw a parked car with a sticker saying "I miss Bihar".
(Bihar is the crime capital of India).

So i picked up a stone and broke the window, removed the stereo system, punctured the tyres and left a note saying "This should help!"

Short funny jokes-Headache

Dan: How is your headache?

John: She is at her mother's.

Big boy

Adam and Dana were onbserving their new born baby boy.

"Look at the size of his thing, he sure is BIG!" said Adam.

Dana said to him in a consoling voice,"Yes sweetheart, but he does have your eyes."

Adult jokes-Loose character

Derick was on his first date with Gina who was known to be a "loose" character.

Once he parked his car, they indulged in foreplay and Gina seemed to like it.  As the heat was building up, he put his hand inside her knickers.

She seemed to be loving it, but suddenly cried, "Ahh, your ring is hurting me!"

Derick replied, "not my ring, that's my watch."

Blonde jokes-Vac

Deborah, the busty blonde who was on vacation, sent home a postcard.

She writes: Hi folks, me having a great time. Where am I?

Very funny jokes-Theft is same store

The cops, while investigating a theft in a readymade garments store, caught the thief and were interrogating him. They asked the thief why did he steal in the same store 4 times.

Bob the thief confessed that the first time he stole an expensive gown, he gifted it to his wife. He added, "You know how women are! I had to go back three times to change it!"

Funny jokes-Grudge

A British guy walks into a bar in Central London and before he could order his drink, he notices a Sikh man wearing a turban. Having a personal grudge against sardars, the British guy says loudly to the bartender to the advantage of everyone seated in the bar, "Drinks for everyone in here, except for the Sikh sardar over there."

The first round of drinks were served, and the Sikh guy gives him a smile, gestures to him saying, "Thank you!" in a loud voice.

The British guy is upset and again orders loudly to the bartender to serve another round of drinks to everyone except the Sardar.

The Sardar seems to be unruffled and he continues to smile, and yells back, "Thank you!"

The British guy is mad by now and asks the bartender, "What's wrong with this Sardar? I've insulted him by ordering drinks for everyone but him, and yet he smiles back and keeps thanking me. Has he lost his mind?"

"No, Sir," replies the bartender. "He is the owner of this place."

Overgrown boy

Joke on MEN at the women's lib party:

How do you define Marriage? 
It's an eyewash involving the adoption of an overgrown boy whose parents can't handle him anymore!

Baywatch

The things that we have learnt from the popular series Baywatch:

1. The favorite pass-time in the US is running on the beach in slow-mo.

2. US citizens almost drown twice an hour.

3. In spite of the above tendency, CPR almost always helps and there are never any deaths.

4. If you are American, you are likely to introspect looking at the ocean for a long time after being told anything of significance.

5. Fat guys can't be relied on and are always scheming.

6. American girls have enormous assets that are given prominence with close-ups for long lasting screen shots.

7. In CA, there is greater probability of one getting kidnapped by jewellery robbers or by terrorists than drown.

8. All lifeguards who claim to be underprivileged, own flashy sports cars and beach homes.

Short funny jokes-Green dot

Teacher to students: Tell me what does the Green dot on Britannia Tiger Biscuit packet mean?

One student : It means that the Tiger is online....

Very funny jokes-Swipe

Working at a small office in the countryside, I found my colleague Katy put a credit card into her floppy drive and then pulling it out in an instant.

Bewildered, I asked what was she up to.

Her answer gave me the creeps. Katy replied she was shopping on the net and the website was constantly asking for a credit card number, so she decided to "swipe" her card in the floppy drive.

Short funny jokes-Real sign of getting old!

Initial signs that indicate you are growing old.

Wrinkled skin? No.

Thick eyeglasses? No.

Hair loss? No.

The real sign is - When you begin to love your own wife.

Michelangelo's painting

Meera had planned a trip to Italy and decided to take her old gandma along as there was nobody to look after her while she was away.

When they visited the Sistine Chapel in the Vatican, she pointed to the painting on the ceiling.

"Granny, do you know it took Michelangelo a full four years to get that ceiling painted."

"Sounds familiar", her grandma said. "He and I must have the same landlord."

Doctor jokes-Before the pain

A Swede doctor gives instructions to his patient.

Doctor: “It is of vital importance that you take this particular medicine right one hour before you get your pains.”

Very funny jokes-Habits

The Indian groom says to his bride on the wedding night, "I want to confess that I had 15 love affairs before we got married."

The bride instead of getting upset, said brightly, "I knew it! When our horoscopes matched, I was sure our habits would also match!!"

Zen question-Forest officers

Zen question
Where do forest officers go to "get away from it all"?

Adult jokes-That kinda guy

Derek was tired of working at a logging venue for what seemed to be like an eternity. So he decides to go to town and have some serious fun. He goes to a Bed and Breakfast place asks the owner, "Where do I go if I want a little fun around here?"

The owner answered, "There ain't no women for miles, but if you want it real bad, we have a Chinese cook."

"Hey, I'm not that kinda guy!" said Derek, and went away.

A week went by, and Derek was back to the owner's cabin. He said, "Lets suppose I opted for the Chinese cook, how many people would have to know about it?"

The owner replied "Hmm... there's me, there's you, him, that's six in all, we need three to hold him down - he's not that kinda guy either!!"

Pun-Dead

Making fun of dead people is a grave mistake!

Really funny jokes-Beckham's holiday

Posh and Becks had taken a cab from Heathrow Airport to Central London.

"Where have you been?" asks the cabbie.

"New York," says Beckham. "We saw a show and did some shopping."

"Did you have any nice meals?" asks the cabbie.

"Yes, one really great one."

"What was the name of the restaurant?" asks the cabbie.

"Dunno. I can't remember. Name some big railway stations in London," says Beckham.

The cabbie begins: "Waterloo, Paddington, Victoria..."

Beckham interrupts excitedly: "That's it! Victoria, what was the name of that restaurant we went to?"

Mother's day joke

On Mother's Day, there was a family get-together and everyone was having a great time around the dinner table.

Later, when the Mother of the family started to wash the dishes, her newly-married daughter, Emily came up to her and said with a lot of concern, "Hey Mom - please don't bother with the dishes. Today is Mother's Day and you can't be doing this, you can always do them tomorrow."

Football jokes-Coach

What is the main function of the Indian coach?

To transport the team from the hotel to the playground.

Really funny jokes-Good news for convict

Jerry Pinto, the lawyer pays a visit to his client on death row, and says to him, "I have some good news for you, George."

George, the client says, "What good news can there possibly be? You lost my case, I was convicted of a murder I did not commit, and I've been sentenced to die in the electric chair!"

Jerry Pinto, the lawyer says, "Yes, but I got the voltage reduced."

Short funny jokes-Women’s lives

Women’s lives are healthier and more satisfactory compared to men.

Reason: Women don’t have wives!

Hilarious jokes-Tension

A man was suffering from insomnia and went to see a doctor. After a thorough checkup, the doctor declared, “The only remedy for this suffering is not to take tension with you when you go to bed.”

Patient replies, “That’s exactly what I have been telling my wife. But she is not prepared to use the guest room.”

Ollie and Lena jokes

Doctor to Lena: “Madam, your husband is really critical. See that he remains in a good mood. Don’t make demands that trouble him, don’t discuss your problems, if any, with him. If you continue to follow all these instructions along with good homemade food, he is likely to survive.”

When Lena reached home, Ollie asked: “What was the report? What did the doctor say?”

Lena: “Oh, nothing much. There is little chance of your survival.”

Short funny jokes-Dumbest actress

Q: How can you tell the dumbest actress working on a movie?

A: She’s the one sleeping with the writer.

Really funny jokes-Catchy tune

Mike and his wife Dara were walking across Southsea Common one Sunday afternoon. In the bandstand the combo was playing a catchy sounding tune, and Dara said, "I wonder what the name of that tune is."

Mike noticed that there was a sign posted near the bandstand and said, "It looks like they post the titles of the tunes they play. I'll go down and see."

A while later Mike returned and said to Dara, "It's one I don't know, it's called 'The Refrain from Spitting'."