Clean jokes-Completely gone

Oh Gosh," sighed the wife one morning, "I'm convinced my mind is almost completely gone!"

Her husband looked up from the newspaper and commented, "I'm not surprised: You've been giving me a piece of it every day for twenty years!"

Funny jokes-Looking for a book

One day a Mr.Joe goes to a library and asks for a book.

The beautiful librarian asks him the name of the book.

Joe says: "Psycho The Rapist"

Librarian searches for the book for a long time, comes back, slaps Joe and says: You idiot, It is "Psychotherapist" .

Short funny jokes-The other side

There's this gal out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another gal on the opposite bank 'Yoo-hoo!' she shouts, 'How can I get to the other side?'

The second girl looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, 'You ARE on the other side.'

Really funny jokes-I am tired!

I’m Tired! Yes, I’m tired. For several years I’ve been blaming it on getting older, lack of sleep, weekend projects, stale office air, poor nutrition, carrying extra pounds, raising a family, recent colds, and a dozen other reasons that make you wonder why life is getting rough.

But now I found out what’s really happening! I’m tired because I’m overworked. The population of the USA reached 300 million last October. 79 million of the population are retired. That leaves 221 million to do the work. There are 19 million toddlers and 76 million students in schools, which leaves 126 million to do the work. Of that total, 21 million are unemployed leaving 105 million to do the work.

Then you take away 34 million in hospitals and that leaves 71 million to do the work. 43 million are in prisons and that’s 28 million left to do the work. Now take away 14,683,468 federal, 5,344,722 state and 5,370,743 city workers who run our government and you’re left with 2,601,067 to do the work. Take away the 2,601,065 people in the armed forces and that leaves just two people to do the work - You and Me! And you’re just sitting there reading this! No wonder I’m tired!!!

Birthday party jokes-Toasting

Why did the boy feel warm on his birthday?
Because people kept toasting him!

Short funny jokes-Learn to make Ice cream

Where would you learn to make ice cream?
At sundae school.

Teacher jokes-10 foot snake

TEACHER: In this box, I have a 10-foot snake.
SAMMY : You can't fool me, Teacher... snakes don't have feet.

Really funny jokes-Two old guys in Wal Mart

Two old guys are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart when they collide.

The first old guy says to the second guy, 'Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going.'

The second old guy says, 'That's OK, it's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate.'

The first old guy says, 'Well, maybe I can help you find her. What does she look like?'

The second old guy says, 'Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, and is wearing short shorts. What does your wife look like?'

To which the first old guy says, 'Doesn't matter, let's look for yours.'

Yo Mama's glasses

*Yo mama's glasses are so thick, when she looks at a map, she can see people waving at her.
*Yo mama's glasses are so thick she can see into the future.
*Yo mama's glasses are so thick, she can burn ants with them.
*Yo mama applied for a job at a strip club but they already had a stage.
*Yo mama's glasses are so thick, a blind person could see with them.

Clean jokes-Love and understanding

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.

To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

Short funny jokes-Growing o;d

Growing old is inevitable. Growing up is optional.

Kids jokes-Teacher's question

TEACHER: If I had seven oranges in one hand and eight oranges in the other what would I have?

CLASS COMEDIAN: Big hands!

Really funny jokes-Hair smells nice

One day a women walks into work in a short skirt. As she’s walking to her desk she gets stopped by a co-worker, who says, "Your hair smells really nice today."

She grimaces and stomps into her manager’s office. She says, "I want to file a harassment complaint!" and then relates what happened.

The manager says, "What’s wrong with him complimenting how your hair smells?"

Furious, she snarls, "He’s a midget!"

Funny joke-Medication for rest of life

A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office.
'Is it true,' she wanted to know, 'that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life? '
'Yes, I'm afraid so,' the doctor told her.

There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied,
'I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked
'NO REFILLS'.'