Really funny jokes-Temperance sermon

A minister was completing a Temperance sermon.
With great emphasis he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."
With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."
And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."
Sermon complete, he sat down.
The song leader stood very cautiously and announced - with a tiny smile, "For our closing song, Let us sing Hymn #365, 'Shall We Gather at the River'

Kids jokes-cards

Little Bobby had been searching through a stationer's stock of greeting cards for some time when a clerk asked, "Just what is it you're looking for? A birthday greeting, message to a sick friend? An anniversary, or a congratulations to your mom and dad?"
Little Bobby shook his head and answered, "No. Er...got any blank report cards?"

Sardar jokes-Santa in heaven

Santa Singh died and went to heaven. When he got to the pearly gate Saint Peter told him that new rules were in effect due to the advances in education on earth.
In order to gain admittance a prospective heavenly soul must answer two questions:
1. Name two days of the week that begin with "T".
2. How many seconds are there in a year?

Santa thought for a few minutes and answered...
1. The two days of the week that begin with "T" are Today and Tomorrow.
2. There are 12 seconds in a year.

Saint Peter said, "OK, I'll buy the Today and Tomorrow, even though it's not the answer I expected, so your answer is correct.
But how did you get only 12 seconds in a year?"
Santa replied, "Well, January 2nd, February 2nd,March 2nd, etc...."
Saint Peter lets him in without another word"

Humor jokes-Bill Gates in Hell

Satan greets him: "welcome mr. Gates, we've been waiting for you. This will be your home for all eternity. You've been selfish, greedy and a big liar all your life. Now, since you've got me in a good mood, i'll be generous and give you a choice of three places in which you'll be locked up forever.
Satan takes bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are tormented and tortured. He then takes him to a massive coliseum where thousands of people are chased about and devoured by starving lions. Finally, he takes bill to a tiny room in which there is a bottle of the finest wine sitting on a table. To bill's delight, he sees a pc in the corner. Without hesitation, bill says "i'll take this option."
"Fine," says satan, allowing bill to enter the room. Satan locks the room after bill.
As he turns around, he bumps into lucifer. "That was bill gates!" Cried lucifer. "Why did you give him the best place of all!"
"That's what everyone thinks" snickered satan.
"The bottle has a hole in it!"
"What about the pc?"
"It's got windows 95!" Laughed satan.
"And it's missing three keys,"
"Which three?"
"Control, alt and delete."

Really funny jokes-Maths Wiz

The teacher asked little Johnny if he knows his numbers.
"Yes," he said. "I do. My father taught me."
"Good. What comes after three."
"Four," answers the boy.
"What comes after six?"
"Seven."
"Very good," says the teacher. "Your dad did a good job.
What comes after ten?"
"A jack," says the kid.

Funny jokes-System

A loaded mini van pulled in to the only remaining campsite. Four children leaped from the vehicle and began feverishly unloading gear and setting up the tent. The boys rushed to gather firewood, while the girls and their mother set up the camp stove and cooking utensils.
A nearby camper marveled to the youngsters' father, "That, sir, is some display of teamwork."
The father replied, "I have a system; no one goes to the bathroom until the camp is set up.

Funny jokes-Attack on Men!

* Men are like......Bananas.
The older they get, the less firm they are.
* Men are like.....Bank Accounts.
Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.
* Men are like.....Bank Machines.
Once they withdraw they lose interest
* Men are like.....Bike helmets.
Handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just look silly
* Men are like.....Cement.
After getting laid, they take a long time to get hard.
* Men are like.....Chocolate Bars.
Sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your ass.
* Men are like.....Coffee
The best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night long.
* Men are like.....Commercial s.
You can't believe a word they say.
* Men are like.....Computers
Hard to figure out, and never have enough memory.
* Men are like.....High heels.
They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.
* Men are like.....Lawn Mowers.
If you're not pushing one around, then you're riding it.
* Men are like.....Lava lamps.
Fun to look at, but not all that bright.
* Men are like.....Laxatives.
They irritate the crap out of you.
* Men are like.....Mini skirts.
If you're not careful, they'll creep up your legs.
* Men are like.....Noodles.
They're always in hot water, they lack taste, and they need dough.
* Men are like.....Plungers.
They spend most of their lives in a hardware store or the bathroom.
* Men are like.....Popcorn.
They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
* Men are like.....Placemats.
They only show up when there's food on the table.
* Men are like.....Snowstorms .
You never know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get, or how long he will last.
* Men are like.....Used Cars.
Both are easy-to-get, cheap, and unreliable.

Sardar jokes-Santa and Banta

Santa and Banta decide to apply for jobs at a mine that had opened nearby. After sitting in the waiting room for a while, Banta gets called in for his interview.
The boss asks Banta if he had worked underground mines before? Banta says that he had.
The boss asks him how deep under ground he worked?
Banta says, "Oh, about 8 to 10 feet."
The boss says, "Mines are a lot deeper than that, get out of here - you're no miner!"
On his way out, Banta tells Santa to tell the boss that he worked real deep underground so he could get the job. Santa gets called in.
The boss asks Santa if he had worked underground mines before?
Santa says, "Oh sure."
The boss asks how deep underground he worked.
Santa says, "I used to work in a mine 20,000 feet underground. "
The boss says, "20,000 feet, Wow! That is incredible!, "What kind of lights did you use in a mine so deep underground? "
Santa says, "Oh, I didn't need a light, I worked on the day shift!"

Humor jokes-Heaven and Hell

HEAVEN IS WHEN YOU HAVE:
*AN AMERICAN SALARY*
*A BRITISH HOME*
*CHINESE FOOD*
*AN INDIAN WIFE*

HELL IS WHEN YOU HAVE:*
*AN AMERICAN WIFE*
*BRITISH FOOD*
*CHINESE HOME*
*AN INDIAN SALARY

Really funny jokes-Pregnancy Q & A and more!

Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

Funny jokes-God is busy

There was an atheist who enjoyed telling one and all that God does not exist.
One day he was speaking from the stage in a conference in a well reputed college attended by the Chief Guest,other vips and dignatories and the principal,professor s,lecturers, students and parents from every walk of life.
The speaker tried to emphasise in his speach that God does not exist and whatever man has achieved is because of his efforts only.In his concluding remarks he challenged "If God really exists he should be able to kick me in 2 minutes.Then I will believe in his existence",he concluded.
Irritated by the remarks,one healthy guy got up from the audience and proceeded to the stage and requested the atheist to repeat his last sentence at his own risk which the latter promptly responded. The healthy person was a footbal centre forward.He said" I am a football player and play as centre forward for my team.I have won several matches. Do you know how I kick the ball towards the Goal Post?"
Instantaneously, he kicked the atheist forcefully and was thrown out from the stage.The atheist and the entire audience and dignatories in the stage were spellbound. The Chief Guest looked at the watch. The whole episode took place in precisely 2 minutes. The gentleman finally remarked. "God is too busy, so he has deputed me to kick you in just two minutes!"
OH GOD! the atheist shouted at the top of his voice. He was no more an atheist!

Humor jokes-Grandma's boyfriend

A 5 yr old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. While playing with his toys in her bedroom while Grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, Grandma, how come you dont have a boyfriend?
Grandma replied, Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The TV evangelists keep me company and make me feel so good. The comedies make me laugh. I™m really happy with the TV as my boyfriend. Grandma turned on the TV and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she finally started hitting the backside of the TV, hoping to fix the problem.
The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door, and there stood a man.
The man said, Hello, son, is your grandma home?
The little boy replied, Yeah, but she is in the bedroom banging her boyfriend.
Grandma's minister fainted.

Short funny jokes-The neighbor's dog

Paddy and his missus are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbor's dog barking.
It had been barking for hours and hours.
Suddenly, Paddy jumps out of bed and says, "I've had enough of this," and goes downstairs.
Paddy finally comes back up to bed and his wife says, "The dog is still barking. What have you been doing?"
Paddy says, "I've put their dog in our yard - now we'll see how THEY like it!"

Humor jokes-Joggers

A man had been driving all night and by morning was still far from his destination. He decided to stop at the next city he came to and park somewhere quiet so he could get an hour or two of sleep. As luck would have it, the quiet place he chose happened to be on one of the city's major jogging routes.
No sooner had he settled back to snooze when there came a knocking on his window.
He looked out and saw a jogger running in place.
"Yes?"
"Excuse me, sir," the jogger said, "do you have the time?"
The man looked at the car clock and answered, "8:15."
The jogger said thanks and left. The man settled back again and was just dozing off when there was another knock on the
window and another jogger.
"Excuse me, sir, do you have the time?"
"8:25!"
The jogger said thanks and left. Now the man could see other joggers passing by and he knew it was only a matter of time
before another one disturbed him.
To avoid the problem, he got out a pen and paper and put a sign in his window saying, "I do not know the time!"
Once again he settled back to sleep. He was just dozing off when there was another knock on the window.
"Sir? It's 8:45."