A dying miser

Santa Singh the miser was on his death bed. He reached out for his wife's hand and asked, "Where are you?"

Santa's wife Preeto took his hand and replied, "I am right here, my dear."

Then Santa Singh said, "Where are my children?"

His sons held his hand and said "We are right here Daddy."

Santa Singh paused for a moment and then said, "Then why is the fan running in the other room?"

Beer joke-Technique to sell twice

Andre staggers into the bar, completely sloshed. He asks the bar attendant for a beer and says to him, "I can share a technique with you which will help you sell twice the amount of beer."

The bar attendant asks, "Wow, what is it?"

Andre replies, "Nothing complicated. You simply have to pour full glasses."

Judge joke-Odd figure

The Judge charged Peter with rape and pronounced in the court, "You are to undergo ten years of rigorous imprisonment and you are charged with a fine of 10608 dollars."

Peter asked, "I did not understand the odd figure of 10608 dollars."

The Judge replied, "10000 dollars for rape, 4% for local taxes and 2% entertainment tax."

Sardar joke-How to enjoy a banana

Sardar Santa Singh was eating a banana without peeling it. His friend Surinder commented, "Why don't you peel it first?"

To this, Sardar Santa Singh replied, "Why the need to peel? I already know there is a banana inside."

All kinds

Tom says to his wife, "What kind of food have you cooked? This tastes like sh*t!"

Sandra mutters to herself, "Oh God, this man has tasted everything in life."

Funny joke-Finally at rest

Rebecca, who had 9 children from her marriage to Dan, decided to remarry when Dan died. So she married Bosco and had 8 more children.

When Bosco died, Rebecca decided to marry one more time and had 6 more children from her marriage to John.

One day, Rebecca passes away. At the funeral, Father Gomes prayed for her and said, "Thank you Almighty, for they are finally together."

One of the mourners asked another, "Does Father Gomes mean Dan, Bosco or John?"

The other mourner replies, "I think he is referring to her legs."

Barber joke-New salon

Jose had a haircut at a new salon that had opened in the neighborhood. When he stepped out, he met his friend Pedro. Pedro asked him, "How is this new joint?"

Jose replied, "Well, the haircut was okay but I did not appreciate the 4-letter word that the barber kept repeating during the haircut."

Pedro, now intrigued, asked, "What was that?"

Jose replied, "DARN!"

Circus jokes-Performance without clothes

Carla said to her husband, "Rick, let's go to see the circus."

Rick dismissed her immediately by saying, "No, I am busy."

Carla insisted, "C'mon, do you know they have a girl in the circus who rides a lion without clothes!"

Hearing this, Rick agrees and says, "You are very persistent. Okay, let's go, it's been a long time since I have seen a lion."

Rick bought the most expensive seats in the first row. The lion arrived on stage and did some antics but the girl without the clothes was not to be seen anywhere.

After the show, Rick asked Carla, "What happened to the girl you mentioned who would perform without clothes?"

Carla glared at him and replied, "I had said that the lion will appear without clothes!"

Online joke-Nuptial services

I was wondering if Amazon would be interested in starting nuptial services. I have no doubt that they will become the Numero Uno online portal in the world given that they have a one month return policy. No questions asked!

SMS joke-Sophisticated

Women have become much more sophisticated in the way they kill each other. Gone are the days when guns and knives were used to draw blood. These days, simple techniques like posting the latest holiday pics on FB and Whatsapp goes a long way!

Knock Knock joke-Forty

Knock Knock!

Who's there?

Forty.

Forty who?

Forty please meet me at Martin's restaurant

An announcement

My Spanish friend David bought tickets to the European Football League match between FC Barcelona and Real Madrid to be played next Sunday 3rd July. You know how he got himself in a mess? He completely forgot that he is to get married on Sunday. Well, he had purchased the tickets a couple of days before finalizing the Wedding Day.

Now that there is no way the dates can be changed and considering it is the most significant event of his life, David would like to know if anybody is interested in tying the knot.

Birthday joke-Red Ferrari

Julie demands from her boyfriend Kevin, "Where is my birthday gift?"

Kevin replies, "Do you see the red Ferrari parked on the other side of the street?"

Julie starts screaming and jumping with joy.

"Hold on a minute", says Kevin, "I got you a lipstick of exactly the same colour!"

Knock Knock joke-Caller

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Caller.
Caller who?
Caller on her cellphone.

Wife joke-Remember you

After a big argument with her husband Rajesh, Mira left their home and went to her parents' place.

Rajesh called her after a week and asked, "Darling, how are you doing?"

Mira said, "You are calling after a whole week. Why didn't you call earlier?"

Rajesh replied,"I was very busy."

Mira said, "Really? Then why have you called now?"

Rajesh replied, "I could not sleep last night. There were many mosquitoes in the room sucking my blood. So I remembered you."

Knock knock joke-Command

Knock knock!
Who's there?
Command.
Command who?
Command get me!

Funny joke-Missing

Tina said to her husband Rex, "What will you do if I go missing some day?"

Rex replied instantly, "I will give an ad in the papers."

Tine said, "And what will the ad read?"

Rex replied, "Finders keepers."

Couple joke-Poison

As all married couples fight, there was this huge argument between Harold and Gina. Harold decided to give her the silent treatment and stopped talking altogether.

On the third day, Gina got fed up and said to her husband, "If you don't talk till the count of 10, I will consume poison."

She started counting, "1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8"

Harold was silent.

Gina said, "9!!"

Harold was still silent. 

 

Gina screamed, "Please say something!" and then she started sobbing.

Harold said, "Finish the counting."

Gina said with a smile, "Thank God you spoke, or else I would have really consumed the poison."

Facebook joke-Threat

Mrs. Berry, the maths teacher scolded little Peter and said, "Your grades are very poor. I need to talk to your Father. Please ask him to meet me in school tomorrow."

Little Peter, "And if I refuse to do so?"

Now angry, Mrs, Berry shouts, "I will upload your grades on FB and will tag your dad!"

Little Peter, not ready to give up so soon, said, "All right, then let me inform my Mom that you are on my Dad's friends list."

Anniversary joke-Memorable night

Bubba asked his wife, "It's our anniversary, my love. Tomorrow we complete 3 years of our marriage. Tell me sweetheart, in these 3 years, which night was the most memorable for you?"

Rosy replied, "The night you went out of town."

Doctor joke-Who is buying a car?

Dr. Jones had a difficult time convincing Peter that he needed to get operated for his appendix problem. Peter finally agreed and asked the doctor about the expenses involved in the operation.

Dr. Jones said, "Well, it will cost you around 10000 dollars."

Seeing the hesitation on Peter's face,  Dr. Jones said, "Listen I will make it easier for you. You can pay me an advance of 3000 dollars and give me the balance amount of 8000 dollars in small installments of 1000 dollars each month."

Peter said, "I feel like I am buying a car."

Dr. Jones nodded and said, "You are absolutely right - its not you but me who is buying a car."

Mother-in-law joke-Faulty product

Jose was so tired of his wife's constant nagging that he sent a mail to his Mother-in-law.

His mail read like this:
You product is a faulty piece. It has several technical faults which were not informed to me at the time of delivery. I demand that this faulty piece be taken back and I be given an exchange.

The Mother-in-law shot back a message to Jose:

• The product is no longer under Warranty
• There is no policy for refund or exchange
• It is in your hands to enhance the performance of the product
• The Rules & Regulations, of using the product were informed to you at the time of exchanging vows
• The Company no longer makes new products anyways
• You are thereby advised to "Handle with care" 

Santa joke-A plumber can save you!

When Santa Singh went to appear for his exams, he asked a plumber to accompany him.

Intrigued by the plumber's presence, a classmate asked him, "Why did you get a plumber with you?"

Santa Singh's answer made everyone laugh in the class, "Because I heard the paper has leaked."

Interview joke-Spelling

Fred was asked in an interview, "Spell out a word which has more than 15 letters in it."

Fred's reply was quick, "P-O-S-T-O-F-F-I-C-E-L-E-T-T-E-R-B-O-X"

Barber joke-A good time

I was at barber Eric's salon getting a haircut. I asked him casually, "When would be a good time to get my 3 year old boy for a haircut?"

Eric, who was not very fond of kids, replied promptly, "When he is five."

Sardar joke-Mango season

In a press conference during his visit to India, Tim Cook, the CEO of Apple Inc announced, "We would like to develop in India".

Sardar Santa Singh who was present at the conference commented, "But Sir, this is the season for Mangoes. You must visit again after July."

Wife joke-Tall promises

Bubba was making tall promises to his wife and trying to prove how much he loves her.

Bubba's wife says to him, "If you love me so much, go hunt a tiger for me. I want to decorate our living room with tiger's skin."

Bubba says to her, "Be reasonable darling. How do I hunt a tiger? Tell me something easier."

Bubba's wife says, "Okay, then show me your Whatsapp messages."

Bubba replies, "Do you want a regular striped tiger or a White one?"

After marriage

Rob says to Lisa, "Will you continue to love me just as much even after we get married?"

Lisa replies, "Even more darling! I just adore married men!"

Cheated!

Joseph says to his hostel roommate, "Alex, I have been cheated!"

Alex said, "Who cheated you? How?"

Joseph replied, "My own parents! I asked them to send me money for books, and guess what did they send me........books!!"


Source: www.reallyshortfunnyjokes.net

Boyfriend joke-Trust

Nuria said to her boyfriend who was going on a road trip with his friends "I trust you Alex. Just remember one thing, my trust and your bones with break together."

Santa's aspiration

God appears in front of Santa Singh of India and says, "Tell me son. What do you aspire for?"

Santa Singh says, "All I want is a job, a room full of cash, and respite from this heat."

"So be it!", says God.

Santa Singh is not employed as a security guard of a Bank's ATM.


Source: www.reallyshortfunnyjokes.net

Blowing money

Sally says to her husband Jack, "Listen you need to stop drinking. You are spending all our money on alcohol."

Jack replies, "And what about you blowing a 100 dollars in the beauty salon? Isn't that wasting money?"

Sally says, "C'mon Jack, you know why I go there - so I look beautiful to you."

Jack replies, "And what do you think I drink alcohol for?"

Source: www.reallyshortfunnyjokes.net

Just like Mom

It was Juan's 35th birthday and he was celebrating with friends. One of his friends, Pepe asked him, "You should get married now. Haven't you found a woman?"

Juan replied, "Well, over the years,  I have brought many girlfriends home to meet my mom but she didn't like anyone."

Pepe said "That's an age old problem, but I know the solution. Get a girl who is just like your Mom."

Juan meets Pepe again after a couple of weeks and Pepe asks him, "Well how is it going? Did you find a girl your Mom would like?"

Juan replied without enthusiasm, "Ya I did. She is just like Mom. And Mom was all praises for her."

Pepe asked, "Then what's the trouble dude? Why the long face?"

Juan replied, "Dad doesn't like her."

Source: www.reallyshortfunnyjokes.net

Distant brother

Laurel: Who is this boy?
Hardy: He is my distant brother.
Laurel: What do you mean by that??!
Hardy: Well, there are seven other brothers between us.

Source: www.reallyshortfunnyjokes.net

Polo Jersey

Sana, with a killer expression, says to her husband Sandy, "How did you get these lipstick marks on your Polo jersey?"

Sandy replies back, "Fails me dear. I wasn't even wearing the jersey at that time."

Source: www.reallyshortfunnyjokes.net

Fortune teller

The fortune teller tells young John, "Son, I can see that there is a lot of studying in your future."

John says, "Listen Mr. Fortune teller, I am already studying a lot since the past 3 years. What I really need to know is when will I pass my exams!"

Source: www.reallyshortfunnyjokes.net

Disoriented men

When Alex was appointed the new in-charge of the mental hospital, he asked his subordinate to take him around the hospital premises for orientation.

In one of the corridors, Alex saw a man in torn clothes running towards him shouting, "Julia, Julia!!"

Alex asked the subordinate, "What is wrong with him?"

The subordinate replied, "This guy was in love with a girl called Julia but could not marry her. He was so disheartened that he lost his mind. He has been like this ever since."

When they were in another part of the hospital, Alex saw another disoriented man running haywire and screaming, "Julia! Julia!"

Alex looked at his subordinate questioningly and the subordinate quickly replied, "Well, he is the man who married Julia."

Source: www.reallyshortfunnyjokes.net

Wife in Beauty parlour

Dean was seated at the reception of a beauty parlour for nearly 4 hours, waiting for his wife who had promised him that she would take only an hour to finish her beauty treatment.

Frustration was creeping in, when Dean felt a hand on his shoulder. It was a stunning woman who said to him, "Let's go, honey."

Dean looked around frantically and said to her in a whisper,  "Listen lady, my wife is in there and she might come here anytime. Maybe some other time."

The woman shouted at him, "You scoundrel!! I AM YOUR WIFE!!"

Source: www.reallyshortfunnyjokes.net

Santa Banta joke - Demise

Santa : Sorry to learn about your father's demise. May his soul rest in peace. I am sure he has left you a lot.

Banta : Yes, he has.

Santa: Like what?

Banta: A lot of debt.

Source: www.reallyshortfunnyjokes.net

The disappearing customer

Alex went to the salon and asked the owner, "Hey Max, how long would I have to wait for a haircut?"

Max looked at the customers waiting and replied, "About an hour". On hearing this, Alex left.

He returned next week and asked Max, "Hey, how long is the waiting time for a haircut?"

Max looked at the customers already waiting, and replied, "About an hour." Alex left.

The week after that, Alex came again and asked the same question, "Hey Max, how long would I have to wait for a haircut?"

Max replied, "An hour or so." Alex left quietly.

Max was intrigued and asked a friend in the shop, "Paul, do me a favour. Please follow that guy and see where he goes."

Paul returned in a while and could not stop laughing. Max asked, "Well this has to be funny. So where did he go??"

Paul replied, "Your home!!"

Source: www.reallyshortfunnyjokes.net

Brand new suit

David saw his colleague Alfred walk into the office in a brand new suit. David exclaimed, "Not bad, dude! Where did you get the suit?"

Alfred smiled and replied, "Well, my wife got them for me. Pretty cool, isn't it?"

David replied, "Sure it is. Was it your anniversary?"

Alfred said, "No. beats me. The other day, I arrived home early from work, and there I found them on a chair near the bed."

Source: www.reallyshortfunnyjokes.net

Inconsolable

Linda was taking a walk when she noticed a small kid crying at the corner of the street. She bent and asked the little boy why he was crying. 

The boy, sobbing loudly, replied, "My uncle threw our three little puppies in the drain."

Linda, horrified by what she had just heard, reacted angrily, "Your uncle is evil. How could he do such a thing?"

The boy said, "That's true. He had promised that he would let me do it."

Source: www.reallyshortfunnyjokes.net

Social Media Humor - At Office

Argument with wife

After a heated argument with his wife Lisa, John said to himself enough is enough. He packed his bags and was walking out of the house, when Lisa screamed from behind, "Hope you have a slow and agonizing death, you swine!"

John shot back, "So now you don't want me to go.."

Source: www.reallyshortfunnyjokes.net

Dining table

At the Cricket Stadium, Santa says to Banta, "I wish I had got my dining table to the Cricket match."

Banta says, "Why would you bring a dining table to the Cricket match?"

Santa replies, "Because I forgot my tickets on it."

Source: www.reallyshortfunnyjokes.net

Whose fault is it?

Pablo, David and Juan were all discussing the poor state of their local football team.

Pablo said, "The manager is responsible. If he had selected better players, we would have had a good team."

David commented, "It is the players' fault. Had they played better, we could have seen some more goals."

Juan exclaimed, "My parents are to be blamed! Had they given me birth in another town, I wud have been supporting a good club!"

Source: www.reallyshortfunnyjokes.net

Latvian joke

Boka: I had a typical Latvian meal today at a friend's place.

Poka: Really? What were you served?

Boka: Nothing!

Source: www.reallyshortfunnyjokes.net

Mood swing

Q: How do you get a ginger guy's mood to swing?

A: Wait for 15 seconds!

Source: www.reallyshortfunnyjokes.net

Anti joke-M.J.

Why did Michael Jackson call the school?

Because he wanted to give his children an education.

Source: www.reallyshortfunnyjokes.net

Physics jokes-Well defined

When eight-year-old Tom was asked to define Newton's first law, he blabbered, "Bodies that are moving, should remain moving, and bodies that are resting will remain so unless their moms force them outta bed!"

Source: www.reallyshortfunnyjokes.net