Feeling guilty

Mary goes to a shrink and tells him her concerns.

She says, "Doc, I need help. I have this problem - whenever I date a nice guy, I end up sleeping with him. Later, I carry guilt that lasts for several days and I go into depression."

The shrink says, "Hmmm...from what you just told me, I understand you want me to help you strengthen your will power and resistance."

"Good lord, No!!" exclaimed Mary. "Why on earth would I want that? I want you to help me not feel guilty and depressed later."

Who is your wife seeing?

Three friends - Bob, Joe and Mark are having beer at their regular watering hole.

Bob says to his friends, "I found plumbing tools in my wife's wardrobe. I think she is seeing a plumber."

Joe says, "I found a first-aid box in my wife's wardrobe. I think she is seeing a doctor."

Mark adds, "Wait till you hear what I have to say. I found a cowboy hiding in my wife's wardrobe. I think she is seeing a horse!"

Measures

Amy came home crying. "Mom, I am going to have a baby", she sobbed.

Her mom, Dorothy, visibly upset, said to her, "You are only 18. Didn't I ask you to take measures??"

Amy replied, "But I did. I measured them all and chose the one who had the biggest." 

Desert story

Rehman Khan gets lost in the desert. He does not have any food on him and has already licked the last drop of water from his water-bottle two days ago. He is about to give up all hopes of survival when he hears some sounds from the distance.

He listens hard and what sounds like dogs barking, seems to get nearer and nearer.

Rehman Khan tries to lift himself from the ground to take a look at the source of the sound. He is sure he is hallucinating when suddenly, out of nowhere, an Eskimo in a fur coat appears on a sled dragged by snow dog.

He rubs his eyes and takes another look. and sure enough, there is an eskimo standing right over him. He calls out to the Eskimo in a broken voice and says, "Help!".

The Eskimo and his snow dogs surround him and Rehman manages to say weakly, "I have no idea how or why you are here, but Allah be praised. I have been roaming in the desert for days without food and water and I am totally lost."

The Eskimo,wiping the sweat from his forehead, comments, "You think you are lost!!!"

Father Jonathan

Sister Nancy announced as soon as she came into the room where Sister Judy and Sister Martha were sewing clothes,"I was doing some dusting work in Father Jonathan's room and guess what I found. A whole bunch of dirty magazines!"

Sister Judy asked, "What did you do with those magazines?"

Sister Nancy replied, "I tore them up and threw them in the dustbin."

Sister Judy said, "I have something to share too. When I was in Father Jonathan's room to put away the laundry, I found a pack of condoms."

Sister Martha, who was quiet till now, asked, "What did you do with the condoms?"

Sister Judy replied,  "I used a needle to make holes in all of them. Then I put them back where I found them."

Sister Martha fainted.

Great or terrible?

David met his old friend Eduardo after a long time.

David: How have you been?

Eduardo: I dated a girl for 4 years. Her name's Veronica.

David: Ok. What about her?

Eduardo: I married her.

David: Oh! That's great!

Eduardo: No, that's terrible! She's ugly!

David: That's terrible!

Eduardo: No, that's great! She is wealthy!

David: That's great!

Eduardo: No, that's terrible! She won't part with a cent!

David: That's terrible!

Eduardo: That's great! She bought a big bungalow for me!

David: That's great!

Eduardo: That's terrible! The house caught fire!

David: That's terrible!

Eduardo: That's great! She was in the house.

God's gift

Pastor Graham had a request to make to the congregation. His wife Jany was expecting and he wanted a raise.

So, a meeting was held and it was decided that every time Pastor Graham's family grew, his remuneration would increase.

Years passed by and the good pastor had 7 children. The expense on the pastor's family was becoming a matter of concern for the entire congregation. Three was a lot of discussion on how the pastor's ever-growing family was putting a hole in the church's purse. Also how much more would it cost in the future.

Pastor Graham interrupted the discussion and said, "Children are the Lord's gift, and we shall have as many as He chooses to give us."

There was a pin-drop silence.

A fiery old woman got up and said, "Rain is also God's gift, but when there is too much of it, we wear rubbers."

Round or square?

Sardar Santa Singh's son, Jolly, came home from school and declared, "We had a fantastic Algebra class today."

Santa Singh asked the boy, "Huh, what did you learn?"

Jolly answered proudly, "I know all about Pi R Square now."

Santa Singh reprimanded the boy, "Dont' try to take me for a ride boy. It's a known fact that pies are round!"

Cheese

A group of Pakistanis was touring Europe. They were in a bus passing through the countryside in Switzerland, when the tour guide asked the driver to stop at a cheese farm. The guide wanted to show the tourists how cheese in processed. He pointed out to a herd of goats that was grazing in the hills.

He said to the group, "These goats out there are the older ones who are put to pasture when they can't produce any more."

He want on to ask, "What do you do in Pakistan with your old goats?"

Ali, an old gent said, "We are sent on bus tours!"

No kidding!

Peter visited the church and after the sermon was over, went to meet the Preacher.

Peter said to preacher John, "That was a godam*ed fine sermon preacher. It really made my day!"

Preacher John said to Peter, "I am glad you liked it, but you should not use profanities."

Peter said, "I was so moved by the sermon that I donated $3000 to the church."

Preacher John exclaimed, "WTF! Hope you are not kidding me!"

Talk about age

Dennis, 75 years of age, is a rich widower who is a regular at the Golf Club.

One evening, he turns up at the Club with a gorgeous 20-something hot girl in his arms. All his friends drool over her and can't stop eying her.

While they were munching snacks, one of his friends whispers to him, "Hey Dennis, that sure is one hell of a girlfriend you got yourself! How did you manage to woo her?"

Dennis replies, "Girlfriend? That's my wife!"

The friend can't believe what he just heard. He probes further, "How on earth did she agree to marry you?"

Dennis replies, "I just lied about my age."

The friend asks, "What did you tell her, you were 50 or 55?"

Dennis chuckles and replies, "Nope. I said I was 85."

Who is your well wisher?

Danny: Do you know only a robber is a well wisher.

Sunny: What a weird thing to say? Why so?

Danny: My doc wishes me to fall sick, my lawyer hopes I get on the wrong side of law, the coffin maker wishes that I die. Only a robber will wish that I prosper in life.

Exaggerated humor

Katie wanted her boyfriend to meet her parents. So she took Bob home on a Saturday eve.

Katie's father asked Bob, "What is your profession?"

Bob replied, "I am in the restaurant business."

Katie interrupted, "Restaurant business! Bob owns a chain of fast-food stores."

Katie's father asked the next question, "Where do you live Bob?"

Bob replied, "I own a place in town."

Katie interrupted, "A place! Bob owns a luxury duplex in Bay Ridge, Brooklyn.

Katie's father asked, "Where do you see yourself 10 years from now?"

Bob replied, "I am planning some take-overs in the near future."

Katie interrupted, "Take-overs! He is buying out Wendy's!"

At that point, Bob sneezed.

Katie's mother asked, "Have you got a cold?"

Katie screamed, "A cold! My Bob's got pneumonia!"

Water in Heaven

Harry died in a road accident and found himself walking down a lonely road. He found his dog, Boozo, walking next to him. Harry remembered Boozo dying many years back, and realized they were in the afterlife. He wondered where the road would lead to.

They arrived at a glorious big white gate and walked to the man guarding it.

Harry asked the man, "What is this place called?"

The man replied, "This is Heaven."

Harry asked, "Can we have some water to drink?"

The man replied, "Yes, of course. Go straight ahead and take a left. You will find a water cooler there."

Harry gestured towards the dog and asked, "Can Boozo here come in too?"

The man said, "I am sorry but we do not allow pets."

Harry thought for a moment, nodded to the man and turned back toward the road with Boozo in tow.

They walked for a long time, and came across a dirt road which lead to a farm with no gate. A man was relaxing on a chair, his face covered with a straw hat.

Harry approached the man and asked if he could get some water.

The man replied, "Sure, there's a pump in the corner. Help yourself."

"What about  my friend here?", Harry asked, "Can he join me?"

The man replied, "That's no problem, you should find a bowl by the pump."

Harry thanked him and walked upto the pump. He quenched his thirst and also gave Boozo water in the bowl to drink.

When they were ready to go, Harry asked the man, "What is this place?".

The man replied, "This is Heaven".

Harry was confused and asked, "Well I went to another place and they also called themselves Heaven."

The man replied, "Oh, that fancy place with the big white gate? That's hell."

Harry said, "I a sure you are upset with those people using your name."

The man said, "No, in fact we are pleased that they weed out the people who leave their best friends behind."

Phantom

Dana and Ted's granddaughter, Alice had come to stay with them for the summer vacations, and they decided to take the kid out for dinner. The pizzeria where they went, had movie memorabilia plastered on all the walls.

Ted was in the queue to order their pizza, and when he returned, he saw little Alice staring at a poster of Phantom standing in a phone booth. Seeing a puzzled expression on Alice's face, Ted asked Dana, "Doesn't she know who Phantom is?"

"Worse, "Dana replied, "Alice doesn't even know what a phone booth is!"

The old machine

Alex Wagner, a wealthy 82 year old businessman, marries Elie, a 24 year old girl from the country.

A year goes by and Elie delivers a baby. Dr. Johnson comes out of the delivery room and congratulates Alex telling him that his wife gave birth to a healthy baby boy.

The old man says proudly, "The old machine is still up and running!"

A year later, Elie gives birth to another child. Dr. Johnson comes out of the delivery room and congratulates the old man telling him that his wife gave birth to a healthy baby girl. Old Alex says proudly, "The old machine is still up and running!"

Another year goes by and Elie delivers a third baby. Dr. Johnson again greets and congratulates the old businessman for a son that his wife had delivered again. Alex is elated and announces once again, "The old
machine is still up and running!"

The good doctor can't take it any more, so he blurts out, "I know, but I suggest you get the oil changed because this one is black!"

Jovie's wits

David asks his little son Jovie, "Tell me Jovie, whom do you love more, Mom or Dad?"

Jovie had learnt to be diplomatic at an early age. So he replied, "I love you both the same."

David said, "Son, you need to choose between one of us."

Jovie replied, "My answer is BOTH!"

So, David decides to test him further and asks, "Ok, if I go to London and your mother decides to go to Rome, where will you go?"

Jovie says, "I will go to Rome."

David says to his son, "That means you love your mother more than you love me."

Jovie replies, "No. I want to go to Rome because it is more beautiful than London."

David tests his son again, "Fine, if I go to Rome and your mother goes to London, who will you go with?"

Jovie replies, "I will go to London."

David says, "Why? You just said Rome is better."

Jovie chuckles and says,"But I have just visited Rome, right?"

Blondie's troubles

Blondie was at Marvin's Door & Windows showroom having an argument with the salesman.

She said, "Just six months back, I converted into a green home by replacing all my windows with those pricey energy efficient ones that you convinced me to take. And now, I receive a notice from you that I have not paid for the windows!!"

The salesman said, "That's absolutely right, mam."

Blondie said, "Do you think I am stupid? Didn't you claim that the windows would pay for themselves in 6 months."

You need proof!

Ronnie goes to his lawyer, Mr. Shark and complains, "My neighbor Bonnie owes me $300 but does not intend to return it. Is there something I can do to recover it?"

Mr. Shark asks Ronnie, "Do you have any proof of the transaction?"

"No", replies Ronnie.

Mr. Shark advises, "Well then, write a mail to Bonnie asking him for the $600 he owes you."

Ronnie says, "But he owes me only $300!"

Mr. Shark replies, "I know. That's what he will write back to you and that will give us the evidence we need."

Bubba's call

Bubba calls Dr. Sobers in the middle of the night and says, "Dr. Sobers, the missus is experiencing severe pain in the stomach. Think it's her appendix."

Doctor Sobers, obviously upset for being disturbed at 1 am, growls, "What the hell are you talking? I removed your wife's appendix just a year back! Get off the phone

and let me sleep!"

After about 10 minutes, Bubba calls again and says, "Dr Sobers, I am mighty sure it's her appendix."

Dr. Sobers yells, "Good lord, have I not told you already I removed her appendix. Do you know of anyone having a second appendix?"

Bubba replies, "No. I have not. But I can bet you know of someone having a second wife!!"

Love in the modern times

Madonna says to her father, "Daddy, I am head over heals in love with a guy, but he is so far away from me. I am in the US, he lives in India. We found each other on a dating site, got to be friends on Fb, chatted in Whatsapp, he proposed to me on Google Hangouts and we built our relationship on Snapchat. Daddy dear, please don't preach. Just need your love and support."

Madonna's dad says, "That's something! Why don't you marry on Twitter, have a good time on Tango, purchase your kids on Amazon and send them through Paypal.  And if your husband is giving you a tough time, sell him on Ebay."
            

Worn out!

The elderly Mrs. Caroll walked into Dr. O Brien's clinic.

Dr. O Brien, a renowned gynac, asked Mrs. Caroll to lie down for a check up.

The good doctor switched on his goose-neck lamp and was having trouble holding the lamp in one place to be able to see properly.

Dr O Brien commented to the nurse, "It seems to have worn out."

Mrs. Caroll sat up and exclaimed, "I am 77. What do you expect, doc?"

It's a fine day

Jacob says to his wife Geena, "Isn't today a fine day?"

Geena replies, "Yes, it is."

The next day, Jacob says to Geena again, "Isn't today a fine day?"

Geena reples, "It is, dear."

The next day Jacob asks the same thing to Geena. This goes on for a week till Geena can't take it any more and asks Jacob, "What's wrong with you, darling? I know the weather is good but why do you keep asking if its a fine day?"

Jacob shoots back, "Remember we quarreled last week and you had said you are going to leave me one fine day. well, all I was doing is remind you!"

Hunting expedition

Phil Sanders is about to leave for his hunting expedition when Tressa, his blonde wife, calls from behind.
"Honey", she says, "I want to join you. I am sure deer hunting is a lot of fun."

Attired in hunting clothes, she was already ready to go before Phil could say anything. Though reluctant, Phil gives in to her enthusiasm and they go together to the forest.

Phil sets her up on a tree stand and instructs her to take a good aim when she sees a deer and then shoot. He promises that he would run back to her when he hears the gun shot.

While walking away, Phil can't suppress a smile because he knows that Tressa will miss even an elephant, so hunting down a deer was out of the question.

Very soon, he hears a volley of gunshots and runs back to the tree stand. As he approaches the tree stand, he hears Tressa voice saying, "Just stay away from my damn deer!!"

Phil runs harder to get to the tree stand wondering what's wrong. As he gets closer, there is more gunfire and his wife's hoarse voice screaming, "I said stay away from that godforsaken deer!!"

When he reaches the tree stand, he sees a man with his hands raised and crying in desperation, "Ok madam, you can have your deer. Will you please allow me to get my saddle off it?"

That's life for you!

My friend Sahil was looking so down and depressed, I had to ask him what was wrong.

His reply was, "How worse can my luck get? You know Sara the nympho, I was hoping to have a good time with her and she said, let's just be friends."

Take another look

The Smith family was holidaying and they had taken their car along. They were speeding along when they noticed a big green frog in the middle of the road. Mr. Smith braked hard and the car screeched to a stop inches from the frog.

Mr. Smith got out, picked up the frog and took him to the side of the road to safety.

The frog spoke and told Mr. Smith that it was a magical frog and wanted to grant him a wish for saving its life.

Mr. Smith said, "I want my pet Bonnie to bag the first place in the dog race."

The frog said to Mr. Smith, "Ok, let me have a look at your dog."

Mr. Smith called out to Bonnie who limped out of the car. The frog had a look at the dog who had only three legs, was overweight, and just about managed to drag its body. The frog said with disgust, "You want that dog to win the race!! Don't you think it's impossible! Why don't you ask for another wish."

Mr. Smith said, "Ok, can you help my wife win the beauty pageant in the city."

The frog said, "All right, lets take a look at your wife."

Mrs. Smiths stormed out of the car.

The frog said to Mr. Smith, "I would like to take another look at that dog."

A Stroke

Sir Santa Singh ji came home early one day only to find strange sounds coming from the bedroom.
He ran to the bedroom and pushed open the door only to find his wife lying naked on the bed, sweating profusely and breathing heavily.

He asked her, "What's going on? Are you all right?"

His wife Billo cried aloud, "I'm having a stroke!"

He rushed out of the bedroom and ran for the phone. He called the family doc and was about to inform the the doc about his wife's condition, when his little son came running and said, "Papa, I just saw Uncle Banta hiding in your closet and he is not wearing any clothes!!"

Sir Santa Singh ji gets really mad. He rushes to the bedroom and forces the closet door open. And lo, he finds Banta Singh ji hiding in the closet, in his birthday suit.

Santa Singh ji screams at Banta Singh "You fool, my wife is having a stroke and here you are, running around and scaring the kids!"

What are you doing tonight?

Danny's doorbell was ringing and when he answered it, he found his pretty neighbour Sally, pacing restlessly at his door.

Sally, who had recently got a divorce, said to him, "Dan, I am feeling so lonely, I can't take it anymore. I want to let my hair down, get drunk & want to have a good time. What are you doing tonight?"

Danny replied quickly, "I am free!"

"Wonderful." Sally said. "Can you take care of my kids?"

Old Uncle Alec

Uncle Alec was taking his evening walk when he chanced upon a lady of the night, who was leaning against a lamp post.

The lady called out to Uncle Alec, "Hey old man, why don't you give it a try?"

Uncle Alec replied, "No, young lady, I don't think I can."

The woman persisted, "Oh come on, let's give it a try!"

Uncle Alec agreed and went with her into a seedy hotel room. He surprised her with the rigour with which he performed.

The woman said, "I can't believe you said you don't think you can! You performed like a young boy!"

Uncle Alec replied, "Oh that!! That's not a problem at all, what I can't do is pay!"

Same colour

When Nancy bought half a dozen underwear for her husband Ned, Ned commented, "What made you buy the same colour honey? People may think I never change my undies."

Nancy asked, "which people?"

The silence was deafening!

Deeper meaning

Having just completed my Part Time MBA course of 3 years at NMIMS, Mumbai, I was going through my mails regarding the final exams, and found the following note shared by a frustrated fellow student.

Deeper meaning to Education.

Education takes away 25% of your life to teach you how to throw away the other 75% of your life.

Whatsapp blunder

George received a msg on Whatsapp from his neighbour Toby.

The msg read as follows: "Need to make a confession to you, George. I cannot carry the burden of this guilt anymore. I have been using your wife, day and night,  when you are away. In fact, I have been using more than you. It might sound as a lame excuse but I have not been getting it at home. The guilt is killing me and I seek your forgiveness. I am really sorry and promise you I will never do it again. "


George, with mad anger and tears running down his eyes grabbed his gun, found his wife in the kitchen, and shot her in the head.

A second Whatsapp msg followed from Toby.

"This autocorrect will be the end of me someday. I meant 'wifi' and not 'wife'."

Language twist

How we twist the English language.

We in India, are capable of tearing apart the English language because we try a bit too hard.

A few gems are listed below -  I am sure you will enjoy reading them.

Sports teacher to Std V students - "hey you four, stand together separately."

Geography teacher to Std III students - "If you can't hang that world map, I will hang myself."

English teacher to Std IV students - "When I am in the class, how can you look at the monkeys outside the window?"

Priest Donald

Priest Donald was feeling upbeat after conducting a charged up revival meeting, and decided to take a walk.

He saw a woman of the night leaning against the lamp-post. Priest Donald said in a powerful voice, "Woman, I prayed for you last night."

"Well, you could have had me if you had come here," she said seductively. "I was standing right here all night long."

Broke bicycle

Little Pamela watched as her mother welcomed Aunt Dorris into the living room. Little Pamela asked her aunt if she would like to go to the backyard to see her bicycle.

Aunt Dorris agreed and they went to the backyard where a brand new bicycle was parked.

Aunt Dorris, "Wow, that's a beautiful bicycle! Can you ride it?"

"Of course I can ride it!" said Little Pamela, and then added sadly, "but it's broke."

Aunt Dorris looked again at the bicycle and it seemed absolutely ok to her.

So she asked her, "It looks fine to me. What's wrong with it?"

Little Pamela said, "Its strange. Whenever I ride it, it falls down!"

Comedy of errors

Bob was sharing an interesting story with his friends over drinks. "This is what I call a comedy of errors. Last night while I was partying with you guys at the pub,  a burglar broke into my house."

 

One of the friends asked, "So did he take anything?"

 

Bob said, "He got more than he asked for. He got broken ribs and couple of teeth knocked out! My wife thought that was me coming home drunk.”

In retrospect

On a Saturday evening, I was watching a film with harsh organ music on the TV when I screamed, "Nooo! Do not enter that church, you stupid man!"

My wife came running from the kitchen and asked, "What are you watching?"

I replied, "Video of our marriage!"

Hot new doc

Dirty Harry went to a new doctor, only to find that the new doc was a good looking blonde female. He gaped at her and then felt embarrassed.

 

The lady doctor said, "There's nothing to worry, you are with a professional. I have seen it all before, just tell me your problem and I will check you up."

 

Dirty Harry thought quickly and said, "My missus thinks that my rod tastes funny."

Short funny jokes-Tossing

As Katy walked on the sideway, she tossed a bunch of keys up into the air and caught them as they came down. She did it again and again, but after a few tosses, she could not catch the keys and they fell into the gutter next to the sidewalk.

 

People who witnessed this felt bad for her until she cried, "Oh no! Not again!"

Selfless beings

Men are selfless beings.

Most Women would not not like to help unknown Men but Men are more than willng to help unknown Women!

Short funny jokes-Good old times

Overheard in a coffee shop:

In the good old times, people used to remove their hats to show respect.
Look at today's generation. They remove their earphones to give respect.

A matter of seconds

Danny quizzes his friend Sandy, "Tell me, what similarities do you find in a burnt toast and your pregnant girlfriend?

 

Sandy answers, "This one's easy. In both cases, you wonder why you did not withdraw couple of seconds earlier!"

Very fat

Mrs. Bubba to Mr. Bubba : You have become very fat.

Mr. Bubba : You have also become very fat.

Mrs. Bubba : But I am going to be a mother!

Mr. Bubba: So what? Even I am going to be a father!!

What are you doing this evening?

Rebecca, the curvy blonde secretary, came out from the cabin of her boss. She was shaking with anger, so a colleague asked her what was wrong.

Rebecca said,"The Boss asked me what was I doing this evening."

The colleague asked, "So what did you say?"

Rebecca answered, "I said I was doing nothing. He gave me 50 pages to type!"

Milk and eggs

Little Johnny: A cow gives milk and a hen lays eggs. Tell me who can give both?

Little Tommy: Can't think of anyone.

Little Johnny: The grocery store owner, silly!

Short funny jokes-Rebirth

Patrick, the pervert, is praying hard, "Jesus, if there really is such a thing as rebirth, then I would like to return as a women's bicycle seat."

A score above 100%

Dr. Jones had served many years as an Obstetrician/gynecologist, but he felt he had reached a saturation point. His mind was no longer in his job. He wanted to do something else for the rest of his life. Dr. Jones had a fascination for mechanical things and remembered he enjoyed automotive training in school and, therefore decided to go in for a career change and to become an auto mechanic. He enrolled at an automotive school.

He completed the course and was required to appear for the final exams. The physical exam consisted of taking a car engine apart and then putting it back together. Dr. Jones completed his project and was amazed to receive a grade of 125%. Dr. Jones asked the examiner how could he score a 125%.

"Well," answered the examiner, "I granted you 50% for taking the engine apart, 50% for putting it back together and another 25% for doing everything through the muffler"!

Funny jokes-Use of money

Two college students, Desmond and Kurt, were walking on the pavement when they were approached by a beggar asking for money.

Kurt tries to shoo him away, but Desmond takes out his wallet, pulls out a few bills and hands them to the beggar. The beggar thanks him and moves on.

Kurt is annoyed by his friend's act of charity "Why the hell did you do that?" yells Kurt. "You know he's only going to use it on alcohol or drugs!"

Desmond replies, "What...and we weren't?"

Angry boy

The angry boy tells the girl after a night of passionate love-making, "My name is Rob, and not Billy, or Andrew or Jack or Ron or Jeremy or any of the other names you've been screaming all night!"

The girl replies, "Hey, I wasn't screaming out anybody else's name during our intercourse. I was just thinking of baby names, if I were to get pregnant.

Really funny jokes-Getting really old

My grandpa said to me, "I guess I am getting really old after all."

I asked, "What happened'?

Grandpa grumbled, "I went to Kaka's antique auction and four people bid on me!"