Definitely stupid

You are definitively stupid:

If you visit an ice cream parlor instead of a chemist when your girlfriend says she loves chocolate flavor.

Funny jokes-Too jealous to handle!

What could be the extent of your jealously?

I know of a woman who was so jealous that when her husband came home one night and she couldn't find hair on his jackets she yelled at him, "Great, so now you're cheating on me with a bald woman!"

The next night, when she didn't smell any perfume, she yelled again by saying, "She's not only bald, but she's too cheap to buy any perfume!"

Kids jokes-Like Uncle

Announcing to my four year old son that his aunt just delivered a baby boy and it looked just like his uncle, he said, "You mean he has a mustache?"

Really funny jokes-Wanna see my underwear?

The blind date hadn't been all that great and Susan was relieved the evening was finally over.

At her apartment door, her date suddenly said, "Hey! You wanna see my underwear?"

Before she could respond, he had dropped his pants, right there in the hall, revealing that he wasn't wearing any underwear.

She took one look and said, "Nice design. Does it also come in men's sizes?"

Statistics jokes-Bikini

Statistics are like a bikini. What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.
- Aaron Levenstein

One line jokes-Genetics

Genetics explain why you look like your father and if you don't why you should.

Hilarious jokes-Substitute

Martin was working in a small town as branch manager of a financial institution. The rule stipulated that if a branch manager of a small branch needed leave for some reason, he had to inform the nearest city office which would send a substitute to take charge of the town office.

Martin’s wife got sick and he needed leave for a few days. The city office received a cable which read: “Wife sick, send substitute for a week.”

Football jokes-Possum

Why the Arizona Cardinals are like a possum?

Because they play dead at home and get killed on the road.

Really funny stuff-The Chocolate rules for Dieting

The chocolate rules

- If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly.

– Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices and strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.

– The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the shop in a hot car. The solution: Eat it in the car park.

– Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It will take the edge off your appetite and you will eat less.

– A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Isn't that handy?

– If you cant eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer. But if you cant eat all your chocolate, whats wrong with you?

– If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves.

– Money talks. Chocolate sings.

- Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger.

- If not for chocolate, there would be no need for control top tights. An entire garment industry would be devastated.

– Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done.

Really funny jokes-Pass the ball

A big boned, burly college student decided to try his hand at football so he approached the coach. The coach wanted the boy to tackle the football. The boy ran smack into an electric pole and shattered it. The coach, now impressed asked him to run and the boy ran zigzag like a deer runs for its life.

“That’s really nice. But can you pass the ball? That’s what counts.” said the coach.

The boy was thoughtful while the coach was waiting. Finally he said: “It’s like this sir. If I can swallow it, I guess I can pass it too.”

Funny jokes-Four food groups

All my life, I have struggled to break free from each of the four food groups:

the chocolate group,
the fried snack group,
the caffeine group,
and the whatever-the-thing-in-the-tinfoil-in-the-back-of-the-fridge-is group.

Ode to a Cat

Ode To A Cat

I think that I shall never see
A cat that sheds as much as thee
Thy fur that sticks is all around
On chairs, on mats in little mounds
I sweep the floor, you shed some more
I wash the rug and you just shrug
You should give thanks I tolerate that
Or you would be a crew cut cat.

Clearer instructions

I had unintentionally become the center of attraction at the supermarket this afternoon.  I was standing in the queue to make payment. When it was my turn to pay, the cashier made the strangest request - he said to me, "Strip down, facing me."

Well, I needed the groceries, so I did as told. But not before I had made a mental note to file a complaint with the management.

There was some screaming and shrieking and I finally realized that he was referring to my credit card.

I have been debarred from entering the supermarket premises.

Don't you think we seniors deserve clearer instructions?

Really funny jokes-Things to remember during War

War jokes

1. The only things more accurate than enemy fire is friendly fire.
2. Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo.
3. Teamwork is essential. It gives them more targets to shoot at.
4. No inspection-ready unit ever passed combat.
5. No combat-ready unit ever passed inspection.
6. Remember: your aircraft was made by the lowest bidder.
7. Never draw fire, it will irritate the rest of your formation.
8. Never share a cockpit with someone braver than you.
9. You are not Tom Cruise.
10. SAMs and AAA have the right-of-way.
11. If you aren't sure, the SAMs are pointed at you.
12. If hit, landing near the people that just shot you down is not a good idea.
13. Close only counts in horseshoes, nukes and proximity-fused missiles.
14. Smart bombs have bad days too.
15. The best defense is to stay out of range.
16. If you are short on everything but enemy, you are in combat.

My money

Rahul and Jany were checking out their new villa.

Rahul had paid for the house and he felt the urge to keep reminding his wife about it.

As they went to each room, he said to her, "Jany, if it were not for my money, we would not be here."

Jany kept quiet. 

That evening, their new furniture was delivered, furniture which Rahul had paid for. After the furniture was set, they took another look at the house. As they saw the gloriously decorated house, Rahul reminded Jany,
"If it were not for my money, this furniture would not be here."

Jany maintained her silence.

Later that evening, another vehicle delivered a state-of-the-art electronics system with home theatre.

Again, Rahul could not help himself but remind Jany, "Sweetheart, it it were not for my money, this system would not be here."

Jany was not quiet this time. She replied, "Sweetheart, I don't want to make you feel bad, but...if it were not for your money, I wouldn't be here either!"

The trick side

Peter and Paul were talking about their wives.

"Have you ever done it doggie style with your wife?" asked Peter.

"Well, I don't think it qualifies," replied Paul, "She likes the trick side of it."

"Sounds like kinky stuff, huh?" said Peter.

"Well, not exactly. I sit up and beg and she rolls over and plays dead!"

Born Irish

A really funny joke to share with you.

A British dude asked a Scottish guy, "What would you have been born as, had you not been born a Scot?"

The Scottish guy replied, "Maybe English!"

Then the British dude asked an Irish guy, "And what would you have been born as, had you not been born Irish?"

The Irish guy replied, "I would be ashamed of myself!"

Imaginative creativity!

Dan is talking to his buddy Aaron over some drinks at the local watering hole.
Dan says, "What kind of women wear clothes that expose?"

Aaron, finishing his drink, replied, "Those who do not trust the imaginative creativity of men!"

one liner jokes

Q. What's the difference between an Puerto Rican and a computer?
A. You only have to punch information into a computer once.

Q. What do you call a field full of Puerto Rican?
A. A vacant lot.

Funny jokes-Last name

When I reached office late one morning, I got the message that someone called "Robert" had called for me from the bank regarding my company's current account. 

Returning the call to my bank, the operator asked what Robert's last name was. I explained that he hadn't left his last name.

Then the operator asked for his department, and I said that I had no idea.

"There are 1250 employees in this building, sir," the operator informed me rather sharply.

So I asked her for her name.

"Bridgette," she said.

"And your last name?" I asked.

"Sorry," she replied, "it's company policy not to give last names."

Golf , naturally

Jim, who was about to retire from work, was gifted a set of golf clubs by his colleagues.

Wanting to the game, he approached a professional for guidance, clarifying that he knew nothing whatever of the game.

The professional showed him the stance and swing, then said "Just hit the ball toward the flag on the first green."

Jim, the trainee teed up and smacked the ball straight down the fairway and onto the green, where it stopped inches from the hole.

"Now what?", Jim asked the dumbfounded professional.

"Uh... you're supposed to hit the ball into the cup" the professional finally managed to mutter.

Jim replied, "Oh great! NOW you tell me!"

Good jokes-Weather girl

"You never get anything right," scolded Mrs. Jacob, the science teacher. "What kind of job do you think you'll get when you leave school ?"

Suzie said, "Well, I want to be the weather girl on TV."

Hilarious jokes-Watson Woods

Lisa checked in at the Gates of Heaven and requested to join her former husband, Watson Woods. 

Saint Peter said, "We have a million Watson Woods. Give us a little hint."
 

Lisa said, "My Watson is handsome, has a mole on his cheek, and he said that if I ever slept with another man he would turn over in his grave."

Saint Peter instructed an angel, "Take her to Whirling Watson!"

Really funny jokes-Until the last moment

Minister Reeves was waiting in line at the gas station to have his car filled. There were several cars ahead of him and though the attendant hurried with his job, it took quite some time before it was minister's turn to get his car refueled. 

The attendant, while  motioning him toward a vacant pump, said, "Reverend, sorry for the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip."

Minister Reeves laughed, "I know what you mean. It's the same in my business."

The pizza delivery boy

Danny, a college student, also worked as a part-time pizza delivery boy.

One day he arrived at Mr. Thompson's residence to deliver pizza.

After taking the pizza, Mr. Thompson asked Danny, "How much tip do you get normally?"

"Well," replied Danny, "this is my first trip to your place, but the other boys say if I can manage to get a quarter out of you, I'll be doing just fine."

"Is that so?" said an offended Mr. Thompson, "Well, just to prove them wrong, here's five dollars."

"Thanks," replied Danny, "I'll put this in my college fund."

"What are you studying in college?" asked Mr. Thompson.
 

Danny gave a quick smile and said, "Applied psychology."

Teacher jokes-Spell wrong

Teacher : How do you spell "wrong"?

Bobby : R-O-N-G.

Teacher: That's wrong.

Bobby: That's what you asked for, isn't it?

Funny jokes-False teeth

Paul, the priest got himself a set of false teeth at the dental clinic.

The first Sunday after he got his new teeth, he spoke for only five minutes.

The next Sunday, he spoke for only ten minutes.

The Sunday after that, he spoke for three hours.

The congregation had to fight him to get him down from the pulpit and they were curious to know what made him talk so much.

Priest Paul explained the first Sunday his gums hurt real bad, so he couldn't talk for more than five minutes.

The second Sunday was no better and he managed to speak for just about ten minutes.

But, the third Sunday, he put his wife's teeth in by mistake and found it impossible to shut up.

Really funny jokes-Library

A library is a somewhat easy place to annoy the people sitting around you, but for those of you with less then stellar creativity, we have made a list of things you can do...

1. Read out loud. Very loud. And slowly.

2. While pointing to a very simple word, like 'the', ask the person next to you if he/she can pronounce it for you.

3. While looking at your book, turn so you’re facing the person. Then, peer over the top of your book, and say "PEEKABOO!!"

4. Put down you book, and look over and start reading the other persons book, and, either a) say "Ooo. Nice book." or b) when he/she looks at you, quickly pick up your book and act like your reading it.

5. Suddenly look over at him/her, and say, "You’re one of THEM!"

6. Put down your book, and look at him/her. When they says something like "what?", cut them off by saying "Are you accusing me of something?"

7. Read your book. Upside down.

8. Read your book from right to left. And flip the pages the same way.

9. Flip the page every two or so seconds.

10. Pick up your book, put it down, and say, "Wow. That was a good book."

11. Read silently, and then as if speaking to the character in your book, say, "No, Jim! It's a trap! Don't do it!!" Then turn to the person and reply solemnly, "He did it." when he/she looks at you.

12. Turn to the person and ask, "Have you ever experienced déjavu and amnesia at the same time?"

13. Start arguing with yourself, then when he/she looks at you funny, say "Ohh, I'm sorry. I was just telling my subconscious to be quiet."

14. Sit down, and then say to the person next to you, "Hi! My name's (? and I'm really glad to meet you."

15. Ask him/her if he/she knew there are eddies in the space/time continuum.

16. Ask him/her what species he/she is.

17. Every so often, yelp in pain, and look at your feet.

18. Bring a bag or purse, and peer into it and say, "Got enough air in their?" or, "Settle down in there. I'm trying to read!"

19. Ask them what their name is, and then when they start to reply, cut them off by saying, "No it isn't!"

20. Break the silence by making a bodily function noise, then say, "Wow! That was a good one!"

Short funny jokes-Hole in umbrella

Brenda asked her friend Dara, "Why did you cut a hole in your new umbrella?

Dara replied, "How else am I supposed to know when it stops raining?"

Clean jokes-Oldest lady

India's oldest lady is 113 years old today, and she hasn't got a grey hair on her head. How is that possible?

She's lost it all - is completely bald!

Short funny jokes-Cross the road

Laurel: I am sure you don't know the answer to this one - why did the Tyrannosaurus rex cross the road?

Hardy: Easy, that's because the chicken wasn't invented yet.

Kids jokes-Learn to spell

Little Tina (sobbing): Mommy, I will never learn how to spell.

Little Tina's mom: Why is that?

Little Tina: The class-teacher keeps changing the words.

Economist jokes-Forecast

"In my opinion," joked Professor Dhar in my MBA class who was teaching us Macroeconomics, "there are two types of Economists - the first category consists of those who cannot forecast interest rates, and the second category comprises of those who do not know that they cannot forecast interest rates."

Hilarious jokes-How cold?

Robert had invited his friend Sam for dinner. When Sam arrived, he was shivering from the cold.

The winter being treacherous, Sam commented, "It is really cold outside today."

Robert asked, "How cold is it?"

Sam replied, "It is colder than my mother-in-law's kiss!"

Funny jokes-No charge

Joey is arrested and the big policeman says to him, "I'm afraid you'll have to spend the night in the lock-up."

Joey says, "Do you mind telling me the charge officer."

The cop replies, "No charge to you. It's all part of the service."

Really funny jokes-Rules for Non-Pet Owners who complain

Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like to Complain About Our Pets:

They live here. You don't.

If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That's why they call it "fur"-niture)

I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.

To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.

Cats are better than kids. They eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't smoke or drink, don't worry about buying the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and won't get pregnant because they've been "fixed."

Really funny jokes-Smart reply

John seemed to be upset, so his colleague Aaron asked what was bugging him.

John replied, "It's about my mother-in-law."

Aaron asked, "What is the problem?"

John said, "My wife has asked me to buy a present for my mother-in-law's birthday. Come on, it's her mother after all, why can't she buy it? Why does she always have to pass on the responsibility to me?"

"What did you buy her last year?" Aaron asked.

John said, "Last year I bought her a very costly cemetery plot."

"Ohh....hard to top that one," said Aaron.

John thought and thought but could not come up with anything. So, nothing was bought for his mother-in-law's birthday.

When the big day arrived, she was a little upset. At the family gathering for her birthday, she announced out loud to everyone, "Thank you all for coming and for the wonderful gifts. It's a shame my daughter and son-in-law weren't so thoughtful!"

John, retorted, "Well, the gift we gave you last year is still unused!"

Perfume brands

Tina, who is in her teens, goes shopping in a mall in Dubai.

As she approaches the perfume counter, the salesgirl shows her several brands like "My Sin", "Bliss", "Desire", and "Ecstasy".

Tina says to the salesgirl, "Hey, all I want is to smell nice, I am not looking to get emotionally involved."

Twenty five years of hard work

Harry, a criminal who got a sentence of 25 years in prison was finding it impossible to pass time in the confinement of his cell. So he started training a Queen ant to perform some tricks. Weeks turned into months and months into years - but Harry continued to work on the ant day and night, for thousands of hours. It took 5 years for him to teach the ant to ride a one-wheel bike, another 5 to perform acrobatics, 5 more to sing songs from the "Sound of Music", and a couple of more years to dance like Michael Jackson.

"The day we get out of here," Harry said to the Queen ant, "we're going to explore the night-spots and make millions."

Finally the day arrived when Harry was released. A free man, Harry started out for the city with his friend, the Queen ant, safely placed inside a match box.

He went to a local bar to celebrate and to show off the talents of his trainee. Once seated at the bar, he placed the match box on the bar counter and out came the Queen ant. On prompting, it started break dancing.

"See this ant, eh?" he pointed out to the bartender.

In one swift motion, the bartender reached for a magazine, rolled it up and squished the Queen ant with a mighty swipe.

"Glad you saw it," muttered the bartender. "Blasted things are everywhere."

Funny jokes-White collar crime

Peter, a stockbroker was convicted and sent to prison for a financial scam involving millions of dollars. He panicked when he saw his cellmate, who looked like a hardened criminal.

Sensing his nervousness, Peter's cellmate said, "There's nothing to worry. I am been jailed for a white collar crime too."

"Oh, that sure is a relief" sighed Peter. "I was convicted for fraud and insider trading."

"Oh, my crime is simpler" grinned the cellmate. "I just butchered a bunch of priests."

Humor-Words

Reasearch says that a man speaks 25000 words a day while a woman speaks 30000 words.

The problem is with the timing - while the husband consumes his 25000 words at work, the wife's 30000 start when the husband reaches home.

Really funny jokes-Best excuse

My colleague Jordan is overweight and all of us in the office have been pushing him since a very long time to shed his excess weight. So one day, Jordan decided to start dieting and he took his new resolution seriously. He even changed his driving route to avoid his favorite bakery.

One morning, however, he arrived at work with a box of doughnuts from the Peter Pan Bakery. Everybody scolded him, even the boss reprimanded him but Jordan was ready with his justification.

"These are very special doughnuts," declared Jordan. "I accidentally drove by the Peter Pan bakery this morning and could see a lot of goodies in the window. I thought this was no coincidence, there was certainly some divine intervention, so I prayed, 'Oh God, if you want me to have one of those yummy doughnuts, let me have a parking place right in front of the bakery.' And sure enough," he continued, "the seventh time around the block, there it was!"

Hilarious jokes-The violent intruder

John and his wife were sleeping when they heard some sounds coming from downstairs. They called 911 and reported that someone had probably broken into their house.

But before the cops could arrive, a nasty serial killer entered their bedroom. The intruder put a knife to the neck of John's wife and growled, "I always ask my victims their names before I murder them - so tell me your name?"

"Rosemary," the woman sobbed. The criminal said, "You remind me of my sister whose name was the same as yours, so I shall spare your life."

The criminal then turned to John and demanded his name.

Sweating profusely, he replied, "John.......but my friends call me Rosemary!"

Realization of becoming a Mother

My daughter Maureen, realized she had finally turned into a mother, due to the following observations:

- She developed a habit of automatically double-knotting everything she tied.

- She found herself humming the Barney song as she did the dishes.

- The moment she would hear a baby cry in the grocery store, she would start to gently sway back and forth, back and forth, even though the children were at school!

- She actually began to like the smell of strained carrots mixed with applesauce.

- She wept through the scene in Dumbo when his mom is taken away, not to mention what Bambi does to her.

- She got so involved with crafts that she was considering writing a book called 101 Fun Crafts to do with Dryer Lint and Eggshells.

- She would spend an hour looking for her glares only to have her little kid comment, "Mom, why don't you wear the ones you pushed up on your head?"

- She would be dining in a fine restaurant with her husband, when suddenly she would realize that she had reached over and started to cut up his steak!

Funny jokes-Parting with Name

A beautiful girl called Rita was driving around in her yellow sports car when she noticed in the rear-view mirror that a policeman on motorcycle was following her.

The policeman finally pulled her over, and holding a ticket ready, said to her, "Ma'am, do you realize you have crossed the speed limit. Give me your name please."

Rita, not the brightest of women, replied in an irritated tone, "That's just great......and what am I going to be called then?"

Hilarious jokes-Father's in a fight!

Little Tony runs down the street looking for a policeman. When he finds one sipping his coffee, he says to the officer, "Sir, can you please come with me to the bar. My father is involved in a big fight."

The policeman follows him the the bar and finds three men exchanging blows and fisticuffs.

The policeman turns to Little Tony and asks, "Now, which one is your father?"

Little Tony looks up at the cop and says, "I have no idea sir, that's what they're fighting about."

Off target

Jeremy, who joined the army, was considered slow by all his army colleagues. When he was taken to the indoor firing range for training, his trainer gave him some instructions, handed him a rifle and some bullets.

Jeremy fired several shots at the target and when the report arrived, it revealed that he had missed the target completely in all the attempts.

Jeremy looked at his rifle and then at the target. He looked again at the rifle, and then at the target. He put his finger over the end of the gun barrel and pressed the trigger with his other hand. The end of his finger was blown off, and he shouted toward the target area: "It's starting from here just fine. The problem seems to be at your end!"

Funny jokes-Horrible accident

Did you hear about the horrible accident last evening involving a guy?

The guy was driving his pickup truck with his motorcycle in the back, when the truck lost control, ran off the road and plunged into the lake.

The guy died trying to get his motorcycle out of the back of the pickup. He drowned attempting to get the tailgate open.

Good jokes-Just one instance

Jim was getting drunk at a pub with his old chum, Bob. Having had a rum too many, Jim started complaining about his mother-in-law, how he found her disgusting, bossy, pompous, intrusive, and unbearable.

Suddenly, Jim leaned over and confessed that he had to give the old gal credit for one thing. There was one instance in his life when he would have cut his throat if it weren't for her.

Bob, surprised by the sudden change of heart, asked "Really? What happened?"

Jim said, "She was using my razor."

Differences in expressions

It's really entertaining to watch the differences in expressions on the faces of guys and girls when the word "facial" is spoken.