Attacked!

Jeremy answers a knock at the door late one night. He opens the door to find a seven-foot tall centipede at the doorstep.

Without a warning, the centipede kicks him on the chest and walks away. The following night, he finds the same centipede back again at his front door. This time the centipede kicks him between the legs and runs away.

Jeremy is in pain and somehow manages to climb his bed and go to sleep.

He goes to see a doctor next morning. The doctor asks what happened and, Jeremy narrates the happenings of the previous 2 nights.

"Ah" says the doc. "There is a nasty bug going around."

Really funny jokes-Birthday resolution

It's Joe's 65th birthday and he makes a resolution to get his body back into shape.

He gets his physician's approval to join a gym and takes up an aerobics class for the elderly.

He bends, twists, gyrates, hops and perspires for an hour. But, by the time Joe got his leotards on, he realized the class is over.

Funny jokes-Military life

William Jones joined the military but soon realized it's not going to be easy for him. He jumped every time he heard the phrase 'Fire at will'.

The firecracker factory explosion

A firecracker factory is rocked by a huge explosion, and several people are injured. The injured are taken to the hospital, but not everyone survives.

An inquiry begins and several survivors are approached to make statements.

One such survivor, Sven, is asked by the investigator, "You were close to where the explosion happened, right? Tell me about it."

Sven replied, "Well, old Felix was in the mixing room, and I saw him take a cigarette out of his pocket and light up."

The investigator is shocked. He says, "You sure he was smoking in the mixing room? How long had he been working for the company?"

Sven replied, "Yes. About 25 years, sir"

The investigator says, "He works 25 years in the company, then he goes and strikes a match in the mixing room, I'd have thought it would have been the last thing he'd have done."

"It was, sir."

Short humor jokes-Bank tellers

Tom: Do you know why bank tellers are advised not to ride motorcycles?

Jerry: Why is that?

Tom: Because they are likely to lose their balance.

Funny jokes-Diet plan

My wife is overweight and has taken up a diet plan. Though I try and avoid desserts myself, I could not resist an ice-cream I saw in the refrigerator on a Sunday evening.

My wife retorted, "You know what is the most difficult part of my diet plan? It is not watching what I eat, it's watching what you eat."

Three knots

Gordon, an old and retired sailor, had been feeling the urge to see a woman. So, putting on his coat, he headed for the house of ill-repute. He found a woman to satisfy his needs for the night. She took him up to her room, and Gordon was having a go at it as best as he could for a guy his age.
Suddenly, he stopped and asked, "How am I doing?"

The woman replied, "Well, sailor, you're doing about three knots."

"What's that supposed to mean?" he asked.

She replied, "You're 'knot' hard, you're 'knot' in, and you're 'knot' getting your money back!"

Photographer with a dog

Mark the photographer has a dog with one leg missing. You know what he calls his dog?

Tripod.

Really funny jokes-A philosopher's dream

A philosopher once had the following dream.

First Aristotle appeared, and the philosopher said to him, "Could you give me a fifteen-minute capsule sketch of your entire philosophy?" To the philosopher's surprise, Aristotle gave him an excellent exposition in which he compressed an enormous amount of material into a mere fifteen minutes. But then the philosopher raised a certain objection which Aristotle couldn't answer. Confounded, Aristotle disappeared.

Then Plato appeared. The same thing happened again, and the philosophers' objection to Plato was the same as his objection to Aristotle. Plato also couldn't answer it and disappeared.

Then all the famous philosophers of history appeared one-by-one and our philosopher refuted every one with the same objection.

After the last philosopher vanished, our philosopher said to himself, "I know I'm asleep and dreaming all this. Yet I've found a universal refutation for all philosophical systems! Tomorrow when I wake up, I will probably have forgotten it, and the world will really miss something!" With an iron effort, the philosopher forced himself to wake up, rush over to his desk, and write down his universal refutation. Then he jumped back into bed with a sigh of relief.

The next morning when he awoke, he went over to the desk to see what he had written. It was, "That's what you say."

Grandfather's remark

Whenever I take my grandfather to an antique shop, I always get to hear him make the same remark, "Ohmigod, I've seen them before!"

Really funny jokes-Indecent exposure

Mary calls the police and informs them that her next door neighbor was indulging in indecent exposure.

When a cop arrived at her place, she told him, "This guy is taking a shower with the window wide open. You can see for yourself from my bedroom window."

Mary points toward the neighbors bathroom window.

The cop take s a good look and says, "Well, I can only see the top of his shampooed head."

Mary yells, "If you just put a chair on that dresser and stand on that, you will see the whole of him!"

Wife renovating house

Gary asks his neighbor, "What should I do while my wife is renovating the house?"

The neighbor answers, "Keep yourself busy. If you are able to work with tools, you can complete the basement. When you're done, you'll at least have a place to live."

The reprimand

An Indian Airlines air-hostess was called into the office of Chief Trainer for a severe reprimand.

"Miss Dixit, I have been informed about the happenings on your maiden flight", said the furious trainer, glaring at the air-hostess.

"From now on, please remember - if a passenger feels faint, you need to push his head down between his own legs!"

A day of significance

Fred was down in the dumps. When his friend Justin asked him what was wrong, Fred replied, "This day has a lot of significance for me. It was on this day three years ago that I lost my dear wife and kids. . . .I'll never forget that game of poker..".

Valet parking

The other day, my Grandpa was telling me that he always uses valet parking.

When I asked why, he replied that valets at least remember where they park your car.

Sardar jokes-Parkinsons

Sardar Santa Singh was asked: "Given a choice, what would you choose: Parkinson's or Alzheimer's?"

Thinking for a moment, the sardar replied, "I would choose Parkinsons. It's better to spill half a peg of whiskey than to forget where you kept the bottle."

Philosophical question

My friend, Zane is a philosopher. I have always thought philosophers like Zane truly appreciate the profound nature of life's deep questions. As a result, people like Zane are still struggling with the same questions that have been asked for centuries. Thus, they are the objects of ridicule on the part of scientists, who have less patience with such lack of progress.

For example, Zane asked me the other day, "If a tree falls in a forest, and there is no one around to hear, does it make a sound?"

This question has been posed by philosophers since ages, and there is still no philosphical consensus as to what the answer should be.

But when a scientist is asked the same question, he'll go off for short while, apply for a grant or two, and come back saying, "Well, we've solved it for elm and birch, but we're still working on the general case"!

Criminal record

An Indian visitor, Rahul was stopped by customs at Shanghai airport in China and asked if he had a criminal record.

Rahul replied sarcastically, "Oh, I didn't realize you still have to have one to get in!"

Dreadful wrath

Old man Gary prays to god - "How can I escape that dreadful wrath of these old age wrinkles?"

A voice booms from the heavens: "Take off your glasses".

Strict daddy

Dean had a very hard day at office and when he returned home his five-year-old pestered him to play games. Finally it was bed time and Dean was real tired.

Dean said sternly to the boy: “Sonny, no more games. You change into your night suit, brush your teeth and go straight to bed.”

The little boy gave him a tight hug and whispered: “Dad, I learned about small kids in orphanages who don’t have their daddies.”

Dean was moved that the little kid appreciated having his father with him.

The little one again whispered: “Is it possible for you to go and be their dad?”

Short funny jokes-Snow caps

Jim: How do mountains bear the cold in December?

Tim : They keep warm with snow caps.

Mother's broom

On a pleasant evening, a small boy was playing in the backyard of his house with his mother’s broom. He pretended to be a witch flying on the broom. By the time he finished his play, it was quite dark.

Unable to locate the broom in its usual place, the boy’s mother asked the little one about it. The boy confessed that he had left it in the backyard. The mother asked him to fetch it immediately upon which the boy said it was quite dark in the backyard and he was scared to step out to get the broom.

The mother patted him kindly and said: “God is everywhere. He is out there too. So don’t be afraid and ask for his help.”

The boy went and opened the back door a crack and shouted: “Oh god, my mother says you are out there. Can you please bring me my mother’s broom please.”

Animal testing

John is a PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) member and is discussing animal welfare with his friend Ludwik.

John says, "Animal testing is such a cruel and bad practice."

Ludvick comments, "Yeah, they get all nervous and give the wrong answers."

A die-hard cyclist

You are a die-hard cyclist if:

# You learn someone had a crash and your first concern is "Hope the bike's okay."

# You sympathize with the roadkill.

# Biker chick does not mean leather, but spandex, and not Harley, but a Marinoni.

# You have spent more money on your bike clothes than the rest of your combined wardrobe.

# Wax is used on your chain, but not on your car.

# Your car's odometer has less miles compared to the miles your bike has covered.

# Your bike jerseys outnumber your dress shirts.

# You make it a practice to carry your bike along when you shop for a car - to ensure the bike will fit inside.

# You buy a mini-van and straight away remove the rear seats to allow your bikes to fit.

Free your mind

Adam, a Jewish rabbi was good friends with Daniel, a Catholic priest. They spent many a afternoon in the park, watching the ducks play in the pond. On one such outing, Daniel was eating a ham sandwich.

"You know," he said to his Jewish friend, "there's nothing as tasty as a ham sandwich. I know you're not allowed to eat ham, but why are you denying yourself this delicious treat. When will you free your mind and try it?"

Adam, the rabbi simply replied, "At your engagement."

No sleep walking!

It was bedtime for Little Ted and he insisted on taking his bicycle to bed with him.

His mother, a little surprised by the strange request, asked him why he wanted to do that.

Ted replied, "Mom, I don't want to walk in my sleep!"

One line jokes-Reached a point

Just when you thought your earnings have reached a point where ration prices don't matter, calories do.

The strange invitation

Lewis was tired of the city life and decided to take a sabbatical. He rented out a place in the remote countryside and moved in with his dog, wanting to enjoy the peace and the quiet. He would make fortnightly visits to the local grocery store for all that he needed for himself and his dog.

After four months of seclusion, he heard a knock on the door. When he opened it, he saw a funny-looking guy with a big mustache standing there. The guy said, "The name's Swen. I am your neighbor from six miles down the creek. I am having a party this weekend..thought you would like to join in."

"Sure," replied Lewis. "It's been long since I socialized with anyone, would love to meet the town folks. Thanks for the invitation."

Swen said, "Lemme warn you, though, there's gonna be some drinkin'."

"Not a problem." said Lewis. "Guess I can handle that."

Swen warned, "And some fightin' too."

Lewis said, "I do manage to get along with people. No worries."

Swen was about to leave and then he turned again to say, "You can expect some wild love making too."

"I don't have a problem with that!" Lewis says. "I've been alone for a long time. I will certainly come. Thank you." Then adds, "By the way, what should I wear?"

Swen replies casually,"Anything you like. It's gonna be just the two of us, unless you want to bring your dog along."

Memory storage

My grandpa, 86 years of age, went to see the doctor and asked, "Is it normal at my age to have problems with short term memory storage?"

The doctor replied, "Mr. Asher, storing memory is not the problem, retrieving it is."

Won't let it happen again!

Sita's funeral was attended by family and a number of friends. When the funeral service ended, the pallbearers carried the coffin out. They accidentally banged the coffin into a wall and heard a faint moan coming from within the coffin. They opened the coffin and lo and behold, Sita was alive!

Eleven years later, Sita actually dies. The service is again held at the same place and at the end of the ceremony, the pallbearers again life the casket.

As they are taking a bend, Joe, the husband yells, "Mind the wall!"

Running in circles

John: I don't know why but my Dalmatian keeps running in circles.

Jose: I am sure he finds it difficult to run in rectangles!

Hilarious jokes-The wrestling match

There was this wrestling event between Russia and Britain. Before the match, the British wrestler's trainer gave him some advise. He said, "We have done a lot of research on the Russian and it is found that he is an expert with the 'pretzel' grip. Once he gets his grip, it is nearly impossible to beat him. Just don't let him get you in that grip. If he does, you are a goner."

The British wrestler acknowledged his understanding. The match commenced. Now, to the match: The Briton and the Russian went around in circles, both looking for an opening. All of a sudden the Russian pounced, capturing the Briton the dreaded pretzel grip!

A crowd went silent, and the trainer shut his eyes for he knew all was lost. He couldn't bear to watch the proceedings.

Suddenly there was a blood curdling scream, and a resounding cheer from the spectators. The trainer opened his eye just in time to see the Russian jumping up in the air. The Russian hit the floor with a thud, and the Briton weakly dropped on top of him, thus winning the match.

The trainer couldn't believe what was happening! He took the British wrestler aside, he asked, "How did you manage to get out of that hold? No one has escaped it before!"

The Briton answered, "I was about to give up when he got me in that grip, but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of balls right in front of my face. I thought I will give it a try, so with my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit them just as hard as I could. You have no idea how strong you can get when you bite your own balls!"

Toilet paper

Manny: Sid, the Sloth brought toilet paper to the happening party. Do you know why?

Ellie: Why?

Manny: 'Cos he was a party pooper.

Really funny jokes-All in the family

Dillon called his family doctor and declared, "My son has Venereal disease! The only woman he has slept with is our house-help."

"Take it easy," the doctor said. "Bring him to me immediately and I'll take care of him."

Dillon said, "But doctor, I have been fooling around with the house-help too, and my symptoms are the same as that of my son."

"Well then, you come in with him and I'll see what I can do for the both of you," replied the doctor.

"Tell you what," Dillon went on, "I think my wife has it too."

"Goodness!" the doctor exclaimed, "That means we have all got it!"

God is....

My little son Ronnie is imaginative and like all 6-year-olds, has a lot of questions to ask.

The other day, he asked me, "Mom, is God a male or a female?"

I couldn't think of a better answer, so I replied "God is both."

He immediately shot the next question, "Is God black or white?"

I replied again, "Both."

He returned after a while and declared, "I found out who God is. God is Michael Jackson!"

Sardar jokes-Studies

Sardar Santa Singh was studying hard since the last 3 days.

His friend Banta Singh dropped in and asked him,"What are you studying for?"

Santa Singh replied, "I have a urine test tomorrow."

Encounter with a Vampire

Bubba tells us a story about his encounter with a Vampire late one night. The Vampire wanted to smoke and asked Bubba for a light. When Bubba obliged, the vampire seems to have told him, "Fang you very much."

Little Johnny jokes-Bicycle ride

Little Johnny was riding his bicycle on the pavement when he hit an old woman and knocked her down. Initially shaken, she regained her composure and got up. Visibly upset, she turned to Little Johnny and yelled, 'Don't you know how to ride a bicycle?'

'I do,' Little Johnny answered, 'but I haven't learned how to ring the bell yet.'

Class discipline

Bernie, who was a school teacher by profession, injured his spine in an accident and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. He wore a cotton shirt over it and it was not evident at all.

As the new term began, he was assigned to a senior class with the rowdiest students in school.

Walking confidently into the classroom, with the cast still under his shirt, Bernie opened the window wide and then got busy with some desk work. There was a strong breeze that made his tie flap, so Bernie simply picked up the desk stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.

The whole class of trouble-makers went silent.
Bernie had no problems with discipline in that term.

Market Analysts

Joe: What is the role of Market Analysts?

Harry: They are professionals who will know tomorrow why the things they predicted yesterday didn't happen today!

Adult jokes-Medical condition

Bob, a young guy of 22, walks into a pharmacy run by two old spinsters. He is suffering from a medical condition in which his erection refuses to go back to its flaccid state.

One of the old spinsters who is at the counter, asks him what he wants. Bob describes his condition and asks her what she can give him for it. She says she has to consult her partner in the stockroom.

She disappears into the stock room and returns after a few minutes. She smiles and says, "Our offer is $5,000 and this store."

Inquisitive

Q. Why are mountain climbers inquisitive?

A. They always want to take another peak.

Really funny jokes-Two toddlers

Julian is carrying two toddlers, one in each arm, while waiting for a bus. An old woman who finds the babies very cute, asks him, "They are so adorable, what are their names?"

Julian replies dryly, "I don't know."

The old woman persists, "Are they boys or girls?"

Julian is now angry and replies, "No idea."

The old woman then starts to reprimand Julian, "You have no idea? What kind of a father are you?".

Julian replies, "Excuse me ma'am, I am not their father, I just happen to be a contraceptives salesman carrying these 2 complaints back to my company."

Hilarious nasties

Laurel to Hardy: Do you know your brain is a masterpiece.

Hardy: You really think so? Thanks.

Laurel: Yeah, in the left half, nothing is right, and in the right, nothing is left.

Economics exam

Sam, an American student, had not prepared for his Economics exam and was not expecting to do too well.

Sam read the first question: In any given year, and to the nearest ton, how much wheat does the United States export?

Regaining some of his confidence, Sam wrote, "In 1492, none."

Magic trick

PC Sorkar, the Indian magician can perform some amazing tricks. He once swallowed a white rabbit and pulled a brown hare out of his butt.

Pastor's blessings

Jack, a tourist from London goes to a Scottish horse race event and witnesses a pastor blessing one of the horses. To Jack’s astonishment, the horse wins. Not just that, the next 3 horses whom the pastor blesses also win. Then he finds the priest blessing a fifth horse and puts a good deal of money on it.

Unfortunately, the horse suffers from a stroke during the race and dies. Jack meets the pastor later and tells him what a disaster his bet had turned out to be. He also questions why the pastor's blessings had not worked on the fifth horse.

The pastor questions him, ‘Are you a Protestant?’.

‘Yes, I am,’ replies Jack.

‘Well then,’ says the pastor. ‘You’ll not be knowing the difference between a blessing and the last rites.’

What happens when Twitter is down?

What happens when Twitter is down?

Becky calls Kathy and speaks to answering machine:
Hey Kathy, Twitter is down this morning, when you get this message please call me, I can't wait to know what you had for breakfast! Thanks.

Office jokes-Bragging

Redmond moved to London from Ireland to pursue a career in logistics. He was always bragging to his English colleagues about how great Ireland was. One co-worker, annoyed by such boasting, finally said, "Well, if Ireland's so wonderful, how come you didn't stay there?"

"Well," explained Redmond, "they're all so brilliant out there I had to come down here to have any chance of making it at all."

Supermarket trolley

Tom: Do you know the difference between Britney Spears and a supermarket trolley?

Harry : What?

Tom: A supermarket trolley has a mind of its own.