Valet parking

The other day, my Grandpa was telling me that he always uses valet parking.

When I asked why, he replied that valets at least remember where they park your car.

Sardar jokes-Parkinsons

Sardar Santa Singh was asked: "Given a choice, what would you choose: Parkinson's or Alzheimer's?"

Thinking for a moment, the sardar replied, "I would choose Parkinsons. It's better to spill half a peg of whiskey than to forget where you kept the bottle."

Philosophical question

My friend, Zane is a philosopher. I have always thought philosophers like Zane truly appreciate the profound nature of life's deep questions. As a result, people like Zane are still struggling with the same questions that have been asked for centuries. Thus, they are the objects of ridicule on the part of scientists, who have less patience with such lack of progress.

For example, Zane asked me the other day, "If a tree falls in a forest, and there is no one around to hear, does it make a sound?"

This question has been posed by philosophers since ages, and there is still no philosphical consensus as to what the answer should be.

But when a scientist is asked the same question, he'll go off for short while, apply for a grant or two, and come back saying, "Well, we've solved it for elm and birch, but we're still working on the general case"!

Criminal record

An Indian visitor, Rahul was stopped by customs at Shanghai airport in China and asked if he had a criminal record.

Rahul replied sarcastically, "Oh, I didn't realize you still have to have one to get in!"

Dreadful wrath

Old man Gary prays to god - "How can I escape that dreadful wrath of these old age wrinkles?"

A voice booms from the heavens: "Take off your glasses".

Strict daddy

Dean had a very hard day at office and when he returned home his five-year-old pestered him to play games. Finally it was bed time and Dean was real tired.

Dean said sternly to the boy: “Sonny, no more games. You change into your night suit, brush your teeth and go straight to bed.”

The little boy gave him a tight hug and whispered: “Dad, I learned about small kids in orphanages who don’t have their daddies.”

Dean was moved that the little kid appreciated having his father with him.

The little one again whispered: “Is it possible for you to go and be their dad?”

Short funny jokes-Snow caps

Jim: How do mountains bear the cold in December?

Tim : They keep warm with snow caps.

Mother's broom

On a pleasant evening, a small boy was playing in the backyard of his house with his mother’s broom. He pretended to be a witch flying on the broom. By the time he finished his play, it was quite dark.

Unable to locate the broom in its usual place, the boy’s mother asked the little one about it. The boy confessed that he had left it in the backyard. The mother asked him to fetch it immediately upon which the boy said it was quite dark in the backyard and he was scared to step out to get the broom.

The mother patted him kindly and said: “God is everywhere. He is out there too. So don’t be afraid and ask for his help.”

The boy went and opened the back door a crack and shouted: “Oh god, my mother says you are out there. Can you please bring me my mother’s broom please.”

Animal testing

John is a PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) member and is discussing animal welfare with his friend Ludwik.

John says, "Animal testing is such a cruel and bad practice."

Ludvick comments, "Yeah, they get all nervous and give the wrong answers."

A die-hard cyclist

You are a die-hard cyclist if:

# You learn someone had a crash and your first concern is "Hope the bike's okay."

# You sympathize with the roadkill.

# Biker chick does not mean leather, but spandex, and not Harley, but a Marinoni.

# You have spent more money on your bike clothes than the rest of your combined wardrobe.

# Wax is used on your chain, but not on your car.

# Your car's odometer has less miles compared to the miles your bike has covered.

# Your bike jerseys outnumber your dress shirts.

# You make it a practice to carry your bike along when you shop for a car - to ensure the bike will fit inside.

# You buy a mini-van and straight away remove the rear seats to allow your bikes to fit.

Free your mind

Adam, a Jewish rabbi was good friends with Daniel, a Catholic priest. They spent many a afternoon in the park, watching the ducks play in the pond. On one such outing, Daniel was eating a ham sandwich.

"You know," he said to his Jewish friend, "there's nothing as tasty as a ham sandwich. I know you're not allowed to eat ham, but why are you denying yourself this delicious treat. When will you free your mind and try it?"

Adam, the rabbi simply replied, "At your engagement."

No sleep walking!

It was bedtime for Little Ted and he insisted on taking his bicycle to bed with him.

His mother, a little surprised by the strange request, asked him why he wanted to do that.

Ted replied, "Mom, I don't want to walk in my sleep!"

One line jokes-Reached a point

Just when you thought your earnings have reached a point where ration prices don't matter, calories do.

The strange invitation

Lewis was tired of the city life and decided to take a sabbatical. He rented out a place in the remote countryside and moved in with his dog, wanting to enjoy the peace and the quiet. He would make fortnightly visits to the local grocery store for all that he needed for himself and his dog.

After four months of seclusion, he heard a knock on the door. When he opened it, he saw a funny-looking guy with a big mustache standing there. The guy said, "The name's Swen. I am your neighbor from six miles down the creek. I am having a party this weekend..thought you would like to join in."

"Sure," replied Lewis. "It's been long since I socialized with anyone, would love to meet the town folks. Thanks for the invitation."

Swen said, "Lemme warn you, though, there's gonna be some drinkin'."

"Not a problem." said Lewis. "Guess I can handle that."

Swen warned, "And some fightin' too."

Lewis said, "I do manage to get along with people. No worries."

Swen was about to leave and then he turned again to say, "You can expect some wild love making too."

"I don't have a problem with that!" Lewis says. "I've been alone for a long time. I will certainly come. Thank you." Then adds, "By the way, what should I wear?"

Swen replies casually,"Anything you like. It's gonna be just the two of us, unless you want to bring your dog along."

Memory storage

My grandpa, 86 years of age, went to see the doctor and asked, "Is it normal at my age to have problems with short term memory storage?"

The doctor replied, "Mr. Asher, storing memory is not the problem, retrieving it is."

Won't let it happen again!

Sita's funeral was attended by family and a number of friends. When the funeral service ended, the pallbearers carried the coffin out. They accidentally banged the coffin into a wall and heard a faint moan coming from within the coffin. They opened the coffin and lo and behold, Sita was alive!

Eleven years later, Sita actually dies. The service is again held at the same place and at the end of the ceremony, the pallbearers again life the casket.

As they are taking a bend, Joe, the husband yells, "Mind the wall!"

Running in circles

John: I don't know why but my Dalmatian keeps running in circles.

Jose: I am sure he finds it difficult to run in rectangles!

Hilarious jokes-The wrestling match

There was this wrestling event between Russia and Britain. Before the match, the British wrestler's trainer gave him some advise. He said, "We have done a lot of research on the Russian and it is found that he is an expert with the 'pretzel' grip. Once he gets his grip, it is nearly impossible to beat him. Just don't let him get you in that grip. If he does, you are a goner."

The British wrestler acknowledged his understanding. The match commenced. Now, to the match: The Briton and the Russian went around in circles, both looking for an opening. All of a sudden the Russian pounced, capturing the Briton the dreaded pretzel grip!

A crowd went silent, and the trainer shut his eyes for he knew all was lost. He couldn't bear to watch the proceedings.

Suddenly there was a blood curdling scream, and a resounding cheer from the spectators. The trainer opened his eye just in time to see the Russian jumping up in the air. The Russian hit the floor with a thud, and the Briton weakly dropped on top of him, thus winning the match.

The trainer couldn't believe what was happening! He took the British wrestler aside, he asked, "How did you manage to get out of that hold? No one has escaped it before!"

The Briton answered, "I was about to give up when he got me in that grip, but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of balls right in front of my face. I thought I will give it a try, so with my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit them just as hard as I could. You have no idea how strong you can get when you bite your own balls!"

Toilet paper

Manny: Sid, the Sloth brought toilet paper to the happening party. Do you know why?

Ellie: Why?

Manny: 'Cos he was a party pooper.

Really funny jokes-All in the family

Dillon called his family doctor and declared, "My son has Venereal disease! The only woman he has slept with is our house-help."

"Take it easy," the doctor said. "Bring him to me immediately and I'll take care of him."

Dillon said, "But doctor, I have been fooling around with the house-help too, and my symptoms are the same as that of my son."

"Well then, you come in with him and I'll see what I can do for the both of you," replied the doctor.

"Tell you what," Dillon went on, "I think my wife has it too."

"Goodness!" the doctor exclaimed, "That means we have all got it!"

God is....

My little son Ronnie is imaginative and like all 6-year-olds, has a lot of questions to ask.

The other day, he asked me, "Mom, is God a male or a female?"

I couldn't think of a better answer, so I replied "God is both."

He immediately shot the next question, "Is God black or white?"

I replied again, "Both."

He returned after a while and declared, "I found out who God is. God is Michael Jackson!"

Sardar jokes-Studies

Sardar Santa Singh was studying hard since the last 3 days.

His friend Banta Singh dropped in and asked him,"What are you studying for?"

Santa Singh replied, "I have a urine test tomorrow."

Encounter with a Vampire

Bubba tells us a story about his encounter with a Vampire late one night. The Vampire wanted to smoke and asked Bubba for a light. When Bubba obliged, the vampire seems to have told him, "Fang you very much."

Little Johnny jokes-Bicycle ride

Little Johnny was riding his bicycle on the pavement when he hit an old woman and knocked her down. Initially shaken, she regained her composure and got up. Visibly upset, she turned to Little Johnny and yelled, 'Don't you know how to ride a bicycle?'

'I do,' Little Johnny answered, 'but I haven't learned how to ring the bell yet.'

Class discipline

Bernie, who was a school teacher by profession, injured his spine in an accident and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. He wore a cotton shirt over it and it was not evident at all.

As the new term began, he was assigned to a senior class with the rowdiest students in school.

Walking confidently into the classroom, with the cast still under his shirt, Bernie opened the window wide and then got busy with some desk work. There was a strong breeze that made his tie flap, so Bernie simply picked up the desk stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.

The whole class of trouble-makers went silent.
Bernie had no problems with discipline in that term.

Market Analysts

Joe: What is the role of Market Analysts?

Harry: They are professionals who will know tomorrow why the things they predicted yesterday didn't happen today!

Adult jokes-Medical condition

Bob, a young guy of 22, walks into a pharmacy run by two old spinsters. He is suffering from a medical condition in which his erection refuses to go back to its flaccid state.

One of the old spinsters who is at the counter, asks him what he wants. Bob describes his condition and asks her what she can give him for it. She says she has to consult her partner in the stockroom.

She disappears into the stock room and returns after a few minutes. She smiles and says, "Our offer is $5,000 and this store."

Inquisitive

Q. Why are mountain climbers inquisitive?

A. They always want to take another peak.

Really funny jokes-Two toddlers

Julian is carrying two toddlers, one in each arm, while waiting for a bus. An old woman who finds the babies very cute, asks him, "They are so adorable, what are their names?"

Julian replies dryly, "I don't know."

The old woman persists, "Are they boys or girls?"

Julian is now angry and replies, "No idea."

The old woman then starts to reprimand Julian, "You have no idea? What kind of a father are you?".

Julian replies, "Excuse me ma'am, I am not their father, I just happen to be a contraceptives salesman carrying these 2 complaints back to my company."

Hilarious nasties

Laurel to Hardy: Do you know your brain is a masterpiece.

Hardy: You really think so? Thanks.

Laurel: Yeah, in the left half, nothing is right, and in the right, nothing is left.

Economics exam

Sam, an American student, had not prepared for his Economics exam and was not expecting to do too well.

Sam read the first question: In any given year, and to the nearest ton, how much wheat does the United States export?

Regaining some of his confidence, Sam wrote, "In 1492, none."

Magic trick

PC Sorkar, the Indian magician can perform some amazing tricks. He once swallowed a white rabbit and pulled a brown hare out of his butt.

Pastor's blessings

Jack, a tourist from London goes to a Scottish horse race event and witnesses a pastor blessing one of the horses. To Jack’s astonishment, the horse wins. Not just that, the next 3 horses whom the pastor blesses also win. Then he finds the priest blessing a fifth horse and puts a good deal of money on it.

Unfortunately, the horse suffers from a stroke during the race and dies. Jack meets the pastor later and tells him what a disaster his bet had turned out to be. He also questions why the pastor's blessings had not worked on the fifth horse.

The pastor questions him, ‘Are you a Protestant?’.

‘Yes, I am,’ replies Jack.

‘Well then,’ says the pastor. ‘You’ll not be knowing the difference between a blessing and the last rites.’

What happens when Twitter is down?

What happens when Twitter is down?

Becky calls Kathy and speaks to answering machine:
Hey Kathy, Twitter is down this morning, when you get this message please call me, I can't wait to know what you had for breakfast! Thanks.

Office jokes-Bragging

Redmond moved to London from Ireland to pursue a career in logistics. He was always bragging to his English colleagues about how great Ireland was. One co-worker, annoyed by such boasting, finally said, "Well, if Ireland's so wonderful, how come you didn't stay there?"

"Well," explained Redmond, "they're all so brilliant out there I had to come down here to have any chance of making it at all."

Supermarket trolley

Tom: Do you know the difference between Britney Spears and a supermarket trolley?

Harry : What?

Tom: A supermarket trolley has a mind of its own.

Interview for a Zoo-keeper

A man applied for the job of a Zoo-keeper and was called for an interview.

An officer called the man into his office, asked him to take a seat to begin the interview.

"So, what experience do you have in this field?" the officer asked.

"Let me assure you I am more than qualified for this job", the man replied.

"Okay, I would like to know about your experience" the officer said.

"I was raised in the Himalayan Mountains in Nepal by monkeys." the man replied.

The officer was convinced he was dealing with a crack case here but was interested in hearing his story anyway. He asked, "Really? What did you say your name was again?"

"Tim...Tim Pan-Zee."

Lawyers have no heart

Then there was this medical convention where three surgeons met during a coffee break. They were chatting about different operations on different kind of people.

First surgeon: “I prefer Chinese. They have what it takes and their bodies are perfect.”

Second surgeon: “I like Vietnamese. They are so small and delicate that you have to have steady hands, else the incision is big. It’s a challenge to operate on them.”

Third surgeon: “You are both novices. You don’t know about lawyers. They are my favorite because when you open them, they have no heart and they don’t have a spine. Also their heads and butts can be swapped.”

Significant rule

Santa: What's the unsaid but most significant rule in chemistry?

Banta: Don't ever lick lick the spoon!

Mother and daughter

The showers in Sara's dorm turned scalding hot whenever a toilet was flushed. To warn others, residents would yell out, "Flushing!" each time they flushed the toilets.

During one of Sara's visits home, a friend of her mother stopped by to chat for a while. Sara's mother was telling her friend how Sara was acting more distant now that she was in college, and that Sara didn't tell her all about her life the way she used to.

Suddenly, out of habit, Sara called out from the bathroom, "Flushing!"

"Good grief," said the friend. "How much more do you want to know?"

Cow story

Dan, a yuppy decides to go out for a walk in the country one morning. As he is strolling down the sunny country road, he comes across a farmer, tending to his two cows.

"Good morning, farmer," says the yuppy.

"Morning to you, sir," replies the farmer. And he pauses, and waits.

Dan thinks that probably just ending it there isn't enough. Struggling for some small talk, he says, "Those are some fine cows you have there."

"Oh, yes, the white cow is a lovely cow, she is," says the farmer.

"And the black cow?"

"Well," the farmer pauses, "yes, I suppose the black cow is good too."

"Yes, they certainly look fit and healthy," says Dan.

"Indeed, the white cow is the healthiest I've ever had! Never needed the vet, full of life!" responds the farmer.

"And the black cow?"

"Well,... yes, the black cow is pretty healthy too."

"So I suppose they give a lot of milk then?"

The farmer beams. "You should see the white cow, come milking time, she's full to bursting with the creamiest milk, she is. Oh yes indeed, the white cow gives a lot of milk she does."

"And the black cow?"

"Oh, well, yes... I suppose the black cow gives a lot of milk too."

Dan doesn't really know where to go with this. The farmer seems to really have something special for the white cow, even though the black cow seems just as good.

"You know, farmer, I don't mean to intrude, but it seems every time I ask you really favor the white cow...."

"Well, isn't it obvious?" asks the farmer, "The white cow is MY cow!"

"Ah, I see. And the black cow?"

"Well, yeah, the black cow is mine, too."

Really funny jokes-Confused father

John and Martha had become parents for the first time.

One day, Martha had to go out for some shopping and John volunteered to stay at home and look after the baby. Soon after Martha left, the baby started to cry. John did everything to pacify the baby, but the little boy would just not stop crying. John got really worried and decided to take the baby to a doctor.

After the doctor listened carefully to all that John had to say, the doctor began to examine the baby's ears, chest and then down to the diaper area. When he opened the diaper, he found it was indeed full.

"Here's the problem," the good doctor explained. "He just needs to be changed."

John who was visibly confused remarked, "But the diaper package particularly says it's good for up to 10 pounds!"

Sharing a PG

Dean and Marie were sharing a PG accommodation. One day, Marie knocked on Dean’s door and said: “Please take off my top for me, will you?”

Dean, red faced, took off her top.

Next Marie said: “Fine, now remove my skirt?” Again Dean obliged.

Marie: “That’s good. Now take off my panties.” Dean, now really ashamed, took off her panties.

Marie looked at him sternly and said: “Don’t you ever dare put on my things again.”

Three Little Pigs

The story of the day in the first grade was the Three Little Pigs. Mrs. Taylor, the teacher was reading out the story when she came to the part where the first pig was trying to acquire building materials for his home.

She said, "And so the pig went up to the man with a wheelbarrow full of straw and said 'Pardon me sir, but might I have some of that straw to build my house with?' "

Then Mrs. Taylor had a question for the class, "And what do you think that man said?"

Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "I know the answer... . . . . 'Holy smokes! A talking pig!!' "

The teacher was speechless for the next few minutes...

Airplane cleaner

Derrick was an airplane cleaner and he always had one desire - to fly an airplane himself. So, one morning he arrives at work early and while cleaning, finds a book in the cockpit titled "Guide to fly an airplane for Dummies Part 1".

He opens the book and starts reading, "First press the green button on right to start the engine."

He does that and the engine starts. He turns to Page 2 and it reads, "Press brown button to start airplane moving on runway."

He does that and the airplane starts moving ahead and catches speed. He goes to Page 3 and it reads, "Press the red button to take off the airplane in the air."

He does that and the airplane is flying. He starts turning the pilot's joystick and the airplane begins circling, going up and down and Derrick is having the time of his life! He then decides to land the airplane before anyone finds out what he has been up to.

He turns to the next page and finds the following printed in bold:
"To land the plane successfully go to the nearby book store and buy Part 2 of Guide to fly an airplane for Dummies."

Adult jokes-University rash

A girl goes to see Doctor Jones. The doctor examines her and notices that she has a rash on her chest. As Dr. Jones examines the rash, he notices that the rash is in the shape of an "H". To his wonder, the girl tells him, "My boyfriend goes to Harvard and he likes to wear his varsity letter sweater when we make love." He prescribes some cream and sends her on her way.

After a few days, Dr. Jones is attending to another girl with a rash on her chest; only this time it is in the shape of a "S". To his amazement, she tells him a similar story, "My boyfriend attends Stanford and he likes to wear his varsity letter sweater when we make love." He prescribes the same treatment for this girl and sends her home.

Much to his surprise, a few days later another girl goes to his office with a rash on her chest. The doctor notices that her rash is in the shape of an "M". As she begins to explain how she got the rash, he interrupts her by saying, "Let me guess. Your boyfriend goes to Missouri and he likes to wear his varsity letter sweater when you make love."

The girl grins back and replies, "No, my girlfriend goes to Wisconsin."

Really funny jokes-Orchestra attendance

The Dennis community orchestra in Ohio was beleaguered by attendance problems. There were many musicians who remained absent at rehearsals. All players in the orchestra had missed several rehearsals, except for one sincere violin player.

Finally, as the dress rehearsal came to a close, the conductor took a moment to thank Jack, the violinist for his faithful attendance. Jack, humbly responded "It's the least I could do, since I won't be at the final performance."

Commitment phobia!

Judy : I fail to understand what makes men so scared of commitment!

Vinnie : You are telling me! I dated this guy for a two years, and finally had to give him an ultimatum.

Judy: What did you tell him?

Vinnie: I just told him, "Look, you better tell me your last name, or its quits!"

Short funny jokes-Tooth and nail

John, the dentist and Jacob, the manicurist had an argument.
They fought tooth and nail.

Really funny jokes-Good habits

Miss Prim-and-proper said to her grandmother, "Grandma, you have impressed me today. "

Her grandmother asked, "What did I do to impress you?"

Miss Prim-and-proper replied, "I noticed that you have finally formed the habit of covering your mouth with your hand when you sneeze."

Her grandmother said, "Yes, of course. How else am I supposed to catch my teeth?"