Interview for a Zoo-keeper

A man applied for the job of a Zoo-keeper and was called for an interview.

An officer called the man into his office, asked him to take a seat to begin the interview.

"So, what experience do you have in this field?" the officer asked.

"Let me assure you I am more than qualified for this job", the man replied.

"Okay, I would like to know about your experience" the officer said.

"I was raised in the Himalayan Mountains in Nepal by monkeys." the man replied.

The officer was convinced he was dealing with a crack case here but was interested in hearing his story anyway. He asked, "Really? What did you say your name was again?"

"Tim...Tim Pan-Zee."

Lawyers have no heart

Then there was this medical convention where three surgeons met during a coffee break. They were chatting about different operations on different kind of people.

First surgeon: “I prefer Chinese. They have what it takes and their bodies are perfect.”

Second surgeon: “I like Vietnamese. They are so small and delicate that you have to have steady hands, else the incision is big. It’s a challenge to operate on them.”

Third surgeon: “You are both novices. You don’t know about lawyers. They are my favorite because when you open them, they have no heart and they don’t have a spine. Also their heads and butts can be swapped.”

Significant rule

Santa: What's the unsaid but most significant rule in chemistry?

Banta: Don't ever lick lick the spoon!

Mother and daughter

The showers in Sara's dorm turned scalding hot whenever a toilet was flushed. To warn others, residents would yell out, "Flushing!" each time they flushed the toilets.

During one of Sara's visits home, a friend of her mother stopped by to chat for a while. Sara's mother was telling her friend how Sara was acting more distant now that she was in college, and that Sara didn't tell her all about her life the way she used to.

Suddenly, out of habit, Sara called out from the bathroom, "Flushing!"

"Good grief," said the friend. "How much more do you want to know?"

Cow story

Dan, a yuppy decides to go out for a walk in the country one morning. As he is strolling down the sunny country road, he comes across a farmer, tending to his two cows.

"Good morning, farmer," says the yuppy.

"Morning to you, sir," replies the farmer. And he pauses, and waits.

Dan thinks that probably just ending it there isn't enough. Struggling for some small talk, he says, "Those are some fine cows you have there."

"Oh, yes, the white cow is a lovely cow, she is," says the farmer.

"And the black cow?"

"Well," the farmer pauses, "yes, I suppose the black cow is good too."

"Yes, they certainly look fit and healthy," says Dan.

"Indeed, the white cow is the healthiest I've ever had! Never needed the vet, full of life!" responds the farmer.

"And the black cow?"

"Well,... yes, the black cow is pretty healthy too."

"So I suppose they give a lot of milk then?"

The farmer beams. "You should see the white cow, come milking time, she's full to bursting with the creamiest milk, she is. Oh yes indeed, the white cow gives a lot of milk she does."

"And the black cow?"

"Oh, well, yes... I suppose the black cow gives a lot of milk too."

Dan doesn't really know where to go with this. The farmer seems to really have something special for the white cow, even though the black cow seems just as good.

"You know, farmer, I don't mean to intrude, but it seems every time I ask you really favor the white cow...."

"Well, isn't it obvious?" asks the farmer, "The white cow is MY cow!"

"Ah, I see. And the black cow?"

"Well, yeah, the black cow is mine, too."

Really funny jokes-Confused father

John and Martha had become parents for the first time.

One day, Martha had to go out for some shopping and John volunteered to stay at home and look after the baby. Soon after Martha left, the baby started to cry. John did everything to pacify the baby, but the little boy would just not stop crying. John got really worried and decided to take the baby to a doctor.

After the doctor listened carefully to all that John had to say, the doctor began to examine the baby's ears, chest and then down to the diaper area. When he opened the diaper, he found it was indeed full.

"Here's the problem," the good doctor explained. "He just needs to be changed."

John who was visibly confused remarked, "But the diaper package particularly says it's good for up to 10 pounds!"

Sharing a PG

Dean and Marie were sharing a PG accommodation. One day, Marie knocked on Dean’s door and said: “Please take off my top for me, will you?”

Dean, red faced, took off her top.

Next Marie said: “Fine, now remove my skirt?” Again Dean obliged.

Marie: “That’s good. Now take off my panties.” Dean, now really ashamed, took off her panties.

Marie looked at him sternly and said: “Don’t you ever dare put on my things again.”

Three Little Pigs

The story of the day in the first grade was the Three Little Pigs. Mrs. Taylor, the teacher was reading out the story when she came to the part where the first pig was trying to acquire building materials for his home.

She said, "And so the pig went up to the man with a wheelbarrow full of straw and said 'Pardon me sir, but might I have some of that straw to build my house with?' "

Then Mrs. Taylor had a question for the class, "And what do you think that man said?"

Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "I know the answer... . . . . 'Holy smokes! A talking pig!!' "

The teacher was speechless for the next few minutes...

Airplane cleaner

Derrick was an airplane cleaner and he always had one desire - to fly an airplane himself. So, one morning he arrives at work early and while cleaning, finds a book in the cockpit titled "Guide to fly an airplane for Dummies Part 1".

He opens the book and starts reading, "First press the green button on right to start the engine."

He does that and the engine starts. He turns to Page 2 and it reads, "Press brown button to start airplane moving on runway."

He does that and the airplane starts moving ahead and catches speed. He goes to Page 3 and it reads, "Press the red button to take off the airplane in the air."

He does that and the airplane is flying. He starts turning the pilot's joystick and the airplane begins circling, going up and down and Derrick is having the time of his life! He then decides to land the airplane before anyone finds out what he has been up to.

He turns to the next page and finds the following printed in bold:
"To land the plane successfully go to the nearby book store and buy Part 2 of Guide to fly an airplane for Dummies."

Adult jokes-University rash

A girl goes to see Doctor Jones. The doctor examines her and notices that she has a rash on her chest. As Dr. Jones examines the rash, he notices that the rash is in the shape of an "H". To his wonder, the girl tells him, "My boyfriend goes to Harvard and he likes to wear his varsity letter sweater when we make love." He prescribes some cream and sends her on her way.

After a few days, Dr. Jones is attending to another girl with a rash on her chest; only this time it is in the shape of a "S". To his amazement, she tells him a similar story, "My boyfriend attends Stanford and he likes to wear his varsity letter sweater when we make love." He prescribes the same treatment for this girl and sends her home.

Much to his surprise, a few days later another girl goes to his office with a rash on her chest. The doctor notices that her rash is in the shape of an "M". As she begins to explain how she got the rash, he interrupts her by saying, "Let me guess. Your boyfriend goes to Missouri and he likes to wear his varsity letter sweater when you make love."

The girl grins back and replies, "No, my girlfriend goes to Wisconsin."

Really funny jokes-Orchestra attendance

The Dennis community orchestra in Ohio was beleaguered by attendance problems. There were many musicians who remained absent at rehearsals. All players in the orchestra had missed several rehearsals, except for one sincere violin player.

Finally, as the dress rehearsal came to a close, the conductor took a moment to thank Jack, the violinist for his faithful attendance. Jack, humbly responded "It's the least I could do, since I won't be at the final performance."

Commitment phobia!

Judy : I fail to understand what makes men so scared of commitment!

Vinnie : You are telling me! I dated this guy for a two years, and finally had to give him an ultimatum.

Judy: What did you tell him?

Vinnie: I just told him, "Look, you better tell me your last name, or its quits!"

Short funny jokes-Tooth and nail

John, the dentist and Jacob, the manicurist had an argument.
They fought tooth and nail.

Really funny jokes-Good habits

Miss Prim-and-proper said to her grandmother, "Grandma, you have impressed me today. "

Her grandmother asked, "What did I do to impress you?"

Miss Prim-and-proper replied, "I noticed that you have finally formed the habit of covering your mouth with your hand when you sneeze."

Her grandmother said, "Yes, of course. How else am I supposed to catch my teeth?"

Short funny jokes-Odor eaters

Did you hear about the filthy old biker who put Odor Eaters in his riding boots?

Three days later, he disappeared.

Sardar jokes-The farting buffalo

Santa needed a buffalo as few of his customers demanded buffalo milk. He asked around and learnt that good buffaloes were available in the village of Vanipur. So off Santa went to Vanipur and came across a farmer who wanted to sell his animal. The farmer told him to see the animal first and if he liked it, they could negotiate the deal.

They went to the back of the house where the well built animal was lazing. Santa reached under its belly and pulled the teats. No milk came out but the animal farted unusually loud. Santa was taken aback but decided to try another teat. This time too, the animal farted but milk came out in abundance. So Santa bought the animal from the farmer.

Back home, Santa called his neighbor Banta for his opinion about the buy. Banta reached under and pulled the animal’s teats. The buffalo farted. Banta said: “I am hundred percent sure you bought it from Vanipur.”

Santa was amazed: “Yes, but how did you know?”

Banta: “My wife is from Vanipur.”

Bad memory

There are three old men seated inside a doctor's cabin - all suffering from bad memory.

The doctor wants to take a little test - so he asks the first old man, "Can you tell me what is four times four?"

The first man replies, "756".

The doctor can't believe this. So he moves on to the second old man asks him, "Your turn. What is four times four?"

The second man replies, "Friday".

The doctor shakes his head in disbelief and then asks the third man, "Do you think you have the answer?"

The third old man replies, "Sixteen".

"Wonderful!" says the doctor. "How did you get that?"

"Easy," the third old man replies, "Just add 756 to Friday."

One line jokes-Lazy

My friend Jack is really lazy - he’s the only one I know who has installed a smoke alarm with a snooze function.

Funny jokes-Strange name

Naomi took her child into a Child care hospital for a routine check-up with a pediatrician. On the records, the nurse noticed that the child's first name was Urine (pronounced Urin-ie). Not wanting to be rude, but curious to know why this woman had given her child such a weird name, the nurse asked the mother how Urine got her name.

Naomi explained, "Well, my baby was born prematurely and had to stay in the special nursery. She was very sick and they were not sure if she would survive. I couldn't decide what name to give her, but the nurses said they would pray for her. One day I came in and the nurses had already named her. There was this paper on her incubator that said 'Please save Urine', so I knew what they had named my baby."

Funny jokes-Adventures in sky diving

Amy was interested in learning how to sky dive. She approached an instructor and started her training. The instructor asked her to jump out of the plane and pull her rip cord. He then told her that he would himself jump right behind her so that they would sail down together.

Amy said she was ready to jump. The instructor reminded her that he would be right behind her. Amy jumped from the plane, and after being airborne for a while, pulled the rip cord. The instructor jumped after her. He pulled his rip cord but there was some snag and the parachute did not open. The instructor, furiously tried to open his parachute and while trying to do so, rushed past Amy. Amy seeing this, undid the straps to her parachute and shouted, "So you are in the mood to race, huh?"

Really funny jokes-Undeclared landing

In a very high-security zone of the Air Force, a Cessna suddenly arrived undeclared. The Air Force personnel, surprised by its arrival, wasted no time in impounding the aircraft and taking the pilot into custody.

When questioned in the interrogation room, the pilot replied that he took off from Vegas, lost his way, and spotted the Air Force Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force did a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him in custody for the night while the investigation was on.

By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot was not a spy and had really lost his way. They refueled his airplane, gave him a detailed briefing, warning him to remember that he had never seen the secret Air Force base and that there would be terrible consequences if he ever spoke about the secret base to anyone. He was then allowed to take off.

The next day, to their total disbelief, the Air Force personnel see the same Cessna land there once again. The plane is immediately surrounded by the Military guards but this time, they notice there are 2 people in the plane.

The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do whatever you want to do to me, my wife has come with me, just tell her where I was last night!"

Twitter joke

Gary gets into a cab.

Cab Driver: Guess you are in town for the Twitter convention?

Gary. You are right. I could learn so much.

Cab Driver: Any pointers you would like to share?

Gary: Yes, follow That_Car.

Short funny jokes-Liposuction

Q. What did the patient say to the irritating doctor during her Liposuction surgery?

A. Doctor, you are really beginning to get under my skin!!

Funny jokes-Bank Manager's dilemma

A Harley rider and his girlfriend go to a bank for a loan to purchase a home for themselves. They turn up in tight leather pants, both have long hair, tattoos, wear bandanas and dark shades.

The bank manager is in a bit of a fix and cannot understand which one is male and which one's female. Not sure how to convey his dilemma, he finally asks, "Ok, which one of you has the menstrual cycle?"

The biker replied,"Must be her, I ride a Harley."

Types of milk

Joe was visiting the country with his father. His father owned a farm house with some cows in it.

Joe asks his father, "Hey dad, can you tell me what are the types of milk available.

His father replied, "Hmmm...there is evaporated milk, malted milk, buttermilk, pasteurized milk, partly skimmed milk etc.....why do you wanna know?"

Joe replies, "It's just that I am drawing a picture of a cow, and I want to know how many spigots to put on her."

Funny jokes-Act your age

A lady is running out of luck at the roulette table in a casino. She is left with only $500 and is absolutely desperate. She cries out, "This is the heights of bad luck! What in heaven's name should I do now?"

A gentleman standing next to her, tries to console her and says, "Why don't you just play your age?"

He goes away but in a short while, he hears some commotion and walks back to the roulette table. He is surprised to see the lady lying unconscious on the floor, while a crowd had gathered around her.

He asks the operator, "What happened to her? Is she ok?"

The operator replies, "I have no idea sir, she put all her money on 28. When 37 showed up, she just fainted!"

Butcher pun

A boy goes to a butcher shop and tells the butcher, "Can you please give me the ones from the top shelf".

The butcher replies, "I am sorry, the steaks are too high."

Eating a frog

An economist and an accountant are taking a stroll in the countryside and they come across a pond. They find a frog sitting at the edge of the pond. The economist says to the accountant, "I challenge you to eat that frog. If you do, I'll give you $10,000!"

The accountant thinks about his funds and concludes he could do with some extra money, so he grabs the frog, eats it and collects the money.

A week later, they pass by the same pond, and again they notice a frog. This time the accountant challenges the economist, saying, "Eat that frog and you'll get $10,000."

After assessing the situation, the economist decides to go ahead. So he eats the frog and collects the money.

They are on their way, when the accountant says, "To think about it, we both have the same amount of money as we had before, but we both ate the frogs. How are we any better off?"

The economist replied, "What you say is true but you ignored the fact that we have been just involved in trade of $40,000."

Hilarious jokes-The considerate Sergeant

Sergeant Davis was conducting a drill one morning when he was given a letter. After reading the letter, he yelled, "Private Thompson...Stand up!....You mother is DEAD!"

Private Thompson broke down on hearing the news and passed out.

Sergeant Wilson, who witnessed the little incident, said to Sergeant Davis, "Had you broken the news to him softly, he wouldn't have been so upset."

After a few months, Sergeant Davis was running another drill, when he received a letter again, stating that Private Thompson's father had expired. Sergeant Davis, determined to be more considerate this time, shouted, "Everyone whose father is still alive, take one step forward."

They did as told.

Then Sergeant Davis shouted, "PRIVATE THOMPSON...WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING?"

One line jokes-Conduct

Lightning occasionally shocks people as it just does not understand how to conduct itself.

Geographical explanation

Many people do not understand how we ran out of oil here in the United States.

The answer's quite simple - nobody bothered to check the oil. Didn't know we were falling short.

And most importantly, there is a geographical explanation to it. While all the oil is in Texas, Oklahoma, Louisiana, Arkansas, Colorado and Alaska, all the dipsticks are in Washington, D.C.

Hilarious jokes-Possibly dead

There are these two women from the trailer park who are having a conversation.

One asks the other, "How's the husband doing?"

The other replies, "He is possibly dead."

The first woman asks, "What do you mean..possibly dead?"

The second woman answers, "Well, the love making is the same but he hasn't done any work on the Harley in the last 10 days!"

Redneck jokes-At the workplace

How can you tell if there is a redneck at your workplace

1. He calls the mouse a critter.

2. He has a gun-rack mounted on the CPU.

3. His password is bubba.

4. He puts a Dale Earnhardt sticker on Windows 95.

5. You will find whiskey stains on outgoing faxes.

6. His printer is very slow as he doesn't read very fast.

7. He installs Dodge truck parts in the extra RAM slots of his PC.

8. You'll find that the menus all have Black Label, Old Milwaukee and Bud options.

9. His monitor is up on blocks.

10. You find a skoal can in the CD-ROM.

Hollywood divorces

Hollywood divorces

It is customary in Hollywood to get married early in the morning. It helps in the sense if it doesn't work out, you haven't wasted the whole day.

The most difficult thing in Hollywood is to keep the marriage a secret until the news of the divorce leaks out.

A Hollywood kid felt very proud. The reason - at the last Parent-Teachers meeting, she was given a prize for having the most parents there.

One Hollywood actress is known to be very sentimental: she is very particular about always getting divorced in the dress her mother was married in.

Hilarious jokes-Smart answer

A woman is keen to start working again now that her kids had grown up. She had taken a break of 10 years from work and is all set to enter the corporate life once again.

She wants to get her physical done before she applies for a job. So she goes and gets her physical done. When she returns home from the doctor's, her husband notices she is in an excellent mood.

So he asks her, says; "What are you so cheerful about?"

She replies, "The doc told me I have the body of a 20 year old and the heart of a teenager."

The husband jokes,"Did he say anything about your fifty year old arse?"

She snaps back, "No, he never mentioned you!"

Grape story

Question: Did the grape say anything when someone stepped on it?

Answer: It did not say anything, but it gave out a little whine when it was crushed.

Little Johnny jokes-Hate war?

The History teacher had just finished a chapter on World War I.

She asked the class, "How many of you are against war?"

A number of hands shot up. The teacher said, "Ok, Little Johnny, you tell us, why are you not in favor of war?"

"I hate war, miss." Little Johnny said, "That's because wars end up making history, and history is my least favorite subject."

Hilarious jokes-Finding a race winner

A rich racehorse businessman calls for the services of a geneticist, a physiologist and a physicist. He told them he would award a million dollars to the one who could accurately identify race-winning horses. After several weeks of working on the horses, they were ready with their conclusions to be reported to the billionaire.

The geneticist reported, "I've considered all the current genetic research, checked blood-lines going back several decades, but there are just too many behavioral and environmental factors to arrive at a definite conclusion."

The physiologist reported, "I've checked muscle mass, bone volume and density, and all the other factors I can think of, but it seems to be too complex. It is too difficult to predict a winner."

Finally, it is the physicist's turn who seems to be very relaxed and reports while handing an index card to the billionaire. "There you are," he says "I've found an equation that can identify a winning horse."

"Great!" exclaims the billionaire, "Do you want cheque or cash?"

"Err...there's one little thing that you should know," said the physicist. "It only works for a spherically symmetric horse running in a vacuum."

Short funny jokes-Preying

A nagging wife to her husband: “You don’t care. Something is preying on my mind.”

Husband: “Don’t you panic, it will find nothing.”

Funny jokes-Mafia don

A Mafia don calls his home.

The butler picks up the phone and says: Hello

Mafia don: Give the phone to my wife.

Butler: Just a moment.

The Butler comes back and says: She is in the bathroom.

Mafia Don: I said I want to speak to her NOW!

Butler: I am sorry but she cannot come to the phone right now.

Mafia Don: If you do not get her on the phone in a minute, I am going to blow your head into smithereens.

Butler (now scared): You do not understand, there is a man with her in the bathroom.

Mafia Don: What did you say??

Butler: Yes, it's true.

Mafia Don: Listen carefully, I want you to take the gun from my closet and then shoot them both.

Butler (scared out of his wits) : I can't do that, I can never kill anyone.

Mafia Don: Do it right now!

Butler: No, I can't!

Mafia Don: If you don't do it right now, I will kill you and your family. Now get on it with- I want to hear the shots, and don't forget to get rid of the gun.

Butler: Uh, all right.

The Mafia Don then hears two loud shots over the phone.

Butler (badly shaken) : I did it!

Mafia Don: Good work. What did you do with the gun?

Butler: I threw the gun in the pool.

Mafia Don: What pool are you talking about? We don't have a pool? Is this 747-5498?

Positive

A proton and a neutron were taking a walk down the road.

The proton said, "Wait a minute, I think I dropped an electron. Can you help me find it."

The neutron said, "Are you sure?"

The proton replied "Of course, I am positive."

Short funny jokes-Watch your health

My granddad always used to tell me: "No need to watch your money; always watch your health."

So one day while I was watching my health, someone stole my money. It was my granddad.

Harley Davidson joke

Sir Isaac Newton goes to a cocktail party and introduces himself to a smart looking person and asks, "Do you mind telling me your IQ?"

The guy answers, " It's 208."

"Truly amazing!" says Newton. "We will talk about the Big Bang theory and the other mysteries of the universe. I think we can have a long conversation!"

Newton then finds another man and asks him about his IQ, to which the man replies, "its 137."

"Wonderful!" says Newton. "We can discuss politics and world peace."

Newton goes to a third person asks, "What is your IQ?"

The man answers, "53."

Newton excited exclaims, "So it's you who owns the Harley Davidson parked out front!"

Elephant hunt

There was this Indian who went to the jungle to hunt an elephant but had to give up mid-way as he developed hernia from carrying the decoy.

The hot dog experience

Two Irish nuns, who have just arrived in the US, are hungry and one says to the other, "I have heard that the Americans actually actually eat dogs."

"That's strange," the other nun replied, "but if we are to live here, might as well do as the Americans do." Agreeing to this, the first nun notices a hot dog vendor and they both decide to have hot dogs.

They ordered for two hot-dogs and as soon as the vendor gave it to them, they hurriedly found a bench to savor the American food. The first nun took out her hot-dog from the foil, stared at it for a while and whispered to the other nun, "Which part did you get?"

Short funny jokes-Pascal programmers

Q. Why do all Pascal programmers want to live in Atlantis?

A. The reason is it is below C level.

Hilarious jokes-Clean cup

There were two customers in a Cafe.

As the waiter approached them, the first customer said: "I'll have coffee."

The second customer, who was snooty, said: "Coffee for me, too. And make sure that the cup is clean!"

The waiter returns with the coffee after a while and says: "Two coffees as you ordered. Which one of you wanted the clean cup?"

Last smoke

A prisoner who was given the capital punishment was getting ready to be hanged. A prison official asked him if he would like a last smoke.

The convict replied, "No thank you, I never smoke. I don't want to get lung cancer."

Dark scary night

There was this traveler who was hitchhiking on a dark night with rain and thunderstorm. He was out of the city limit waiting for a ride. Time passed but there was no car in sight on this ghostly night. The wind was blowing hard and rain was lashing his face. He was tired, hungry and miserable and could hardly see anything in the dark. Then he saw a ghostlike figure of a car moving slowly, inch by inch towards him. He was desperate and so without waiting for usual formalities of asking permission, he took opportunity of the slow movement of the car, jumped in closing the door after him. Only then he saw that there was no one in the car, not even a driver. He could not hear the sound of engine and yet the car was moving.

The traveler was terrified. He began to pray for his safety as he had heard a lot of ghost stories in this area. He was too scared to make a move and jump out. So he sat frozen. Then all of a sudden, a hand from nowhere reached in from the front window to guide the car near a curve and disappeared as suddenly after negotiating the curve. The traveler was frozen scared. When the next curve came and the hand appeared from nowhere, he gathered his wits and jumped out of the slow moving car too fearful to see right and left and ran for his life. After what seemed an eternity he reached a small town and saw a bar in the middle of the road. Scared, wet and shocked, he barged into the bar and ordered three straight shots of whiskey on ice and gulped them down.

Regaining his breath, he told everyone present in the bar of his experience with the ghost car. People realized that he was no drunk shooting his mouth and was speaking the truth. All murmur stopped and there was pin drop silence. The atmosphere became spooky.

After about three quarters of an hour, Dean and Martin walked into the bar and Dean exclaimed: “Look over there to your right Mart, there sits that son of a gun who rode our car when we were pushing it in rain.”

Nothing to wear

Jerry came home from office at two in the afternoon as he had forgotten to carry an important file. He found his wife without a stitch on their bed.

Jerry, obviously surprised, said to her, “Brenda, what do you think you are doing lying there like that at this time of the day?”

Brenda replied, “I don’t have anything proper to wear.”

Jerry opened their cupboard and said. “What the hell………you have countless dresses, see……here’s one dress……second dress……third one…...the fourth…………"hi there Tom”………here’s the fifth……..”