Short funny jokes-Many sources

When you copy an idea from one source, it is plagiarism.

When you copy many ideas from many sources, it is research.

Doctor jokes-Tweets

A Doctor sent a tweet to his patient saying:
‘I have your test results - you have venereal disease and need immediate treatment’

The patient tweets back:
‘Can I get a second opinion?’

The good doctor tweets:
‘Yes, your Twitter page is horrible too.’

Scary joke-Passing through the graveyard

On his way home, Bob is taking a shortcut through a graveyard in the middle of the night, when he is alarmed by a continuous tapping sound. As Bob moves closer to the source of the sound, he finds a man sitting by a grave and tapping at a headstone.

Bob notices that the man was adding the letter 'r' at the end of the name that was carved in the stone.

Tom says to the man, "A little late for work like that, isn't it?"

"Right", says the man. "But I don't like it when someone spells my name wrong."

Short funny jokes-Take home pay

Santa: Why is a Take-home pay called so?

Banta: That's because it's way too small to go home by itself.

Funny hilarious jokes-The Evolution of an Arithmetic Problem

The Evolution of an Arithmetic Problem

1950:
A lumberjack sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of this price. What is the profit?

1960 (traditional math):
A lumberjack sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of this price, or in other words $80. What is his profit?

1970 (new math):
A lumberjack exchanges a set L of lumber for a set M of money. The cardinality of set M is 100, and each element is worth $1. Make 100 dots representing the elements of set M. The set C is a subset of set M, of cardinality 80. What is the cardinality of the set P of profits, if P is the difference set MC?

1980 (equal opportunity math):
A lumberjack sells a truckload of wood for $100. His or her cost of production is $80, and his or her profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

1990 (outcome based education):
By cutting down beautiful forest trees, a lumber person makes $20. What do you think of his way of making a living? In your group, discuss how the forest birds and squirrels feel, and write an essay about it.

1995 (entrepreneurial math):
By laying off 402 of its lumberjacks, a company improves its stock price from $80 to $100. How much capital gain per share does the CEO make by exercising his stock options at $80? Assume capital gains are no longer taxed, because this encourages investment.

1998 (motivational math):
A logging company exports its wood-finishing jobs to its Indonesian subsidiary and lays off the corresponding half of its US workers (the higher-paid half). It clear-cuts 95% of the forest, leaving the rest for the spotted owl, and lays off all its remaining US workers. It tells the workers that the spotted owl is responsible for the absence of fell-able trees and lobbies Congress for exemption from the Endangered Species Act. Congress instead exempts the company from all federal regulation. What is the ROI (return on investment) of the lobbying?

The answer to the problem was "log(1+x)". A student copied the answer from the student next to him, but didn't want to make it obvious that he was cheating, so he changed the answer slightly, to "timber(1+x)".

The learning priest

Robert, the young priest, raised in a small sleepy town, is getting ready to hear confessions for the first time and he is nervous as hell. So he requests the older priest to sit in on his sessions, so he can gain some confidence.

The young priest hears a few confessions, after which the old priest suggests him to come out so they could have a discussion.

The Old priest says, "I suggest that you cross your arms, rub your chin and say things like "Ok, I see" or "Yes, carry on" or "I understand".

The new priest crosses his arms, rubs his chin and repeats all the expressions the older priest had suggested.

The old priest remarks, "What do you say, isn't it better than slapping your knee and saying, "No bull.. what happened after that?"

Waitress witnessed terrible accident

As the waitress entered the bar, the bartender demanded, "Why are you late?"

The waitress explained,"It was terrible. I was crossing the road, when I witnessed a dreadful accident. A guy was hit by a speeding car and he was lying there on the street, with his hands and skull fractured. he was a bloody mess. Thank God I had taken that first-aid course."

The bartender asked, "How did you handle it?"

She replied, "I sat on the ground and put my head between my knees so I would not faint!"

Clean jokes-Baldness

Tell you what, I got to know some hair-raising facts related to baldness...

And I learnt it in hair-splitting details!!

Funny jokes-Special offer

Dean was out with his car in search of a petrol pump. He saw a pump on the corner of a highway. There was a big board inviting customers: “Come one, come all, special scheme for a tank full of petrol.” 

So Dean drove in and asked the attendant about the scheme and was directed to the manager. The manager said: “See mate, it is like this. You get your tank filled up full and bring the slip to me here in this cabin. I will guess one number between One and seven in my mind. All you have to do is to guess the correct number that is in my mind and if it matches, you go in the back cabin over there and you get free love.”

Dean got excited, ran back to his car, got his tank full and returned back to the manager with his slip. "All right” the manager said “I have decided a number between one and seven in my mind, make your guess.” 

Dean said: “Seven.”

The manager said: “Oh sir, you were so close. The number was six. Dean was disappointed but not dejected. He gave another shot after a few days with the same result: “My god, your guess was close enough but not right. I am sorry sir, but no free love for you.”

Next day, Dean narrated the story to his friend, Martin over a drink and said: “Marty, the manager is a cheat. If he guessed seven and I say seven, what stops him from saying it was six? He can change the number in his mind anytime he wants to. It’s a scam, I tell you, that's what it is.”

Martin: “Hey wait Dean, that manager is no cheat and there is no scam, I assure you.’

Dean: “How can you be so sure?”

Martin: “My wife went there twice last week and won both times.”

Funny puns-Raining

It's raining cats and dogs. Well, as long as it doesn't reindeer.

Office jokes-Project management

Project management is like making love; no matter how well planned it is, you always end up in a rush.

Funny jokes-Knowledge pills

Circa 2062, mankind has advanced and found a way to package basic knowledge in pill form. 

Jim, a student, needing some learning, goes to the pharmacy and asks what kind of knowledge pills are available.

The pharmacist says: "Here's a pill for English literature." Jim takes the pill and swallows it and has new knowledge about English literature.

"What else do you have?" asks Jim.

"Well I have pills for art history, biology, and world history," replies the pharmacist.

Jim asks for these, and swallows them and has new knowledge about those subjects.

Then Jim asks: "Do you have a pill for math?"

The pharmacist says, "Wait just a moment," goes back to the storeroom, brings back a whopper of a pill, and plonks it on the counter.

"I have to take that huge pill for math?" inquires Jim.

The pharmacist replies, "Well you know math always was a little hard to swallow."

More funny things to do during an exam

 More funny things to do during an exam

1. Show up completely drunk. (Completely drunk means at some point during the exam, you should start crying for mommy).

2. Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why, tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, "the light bulb that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. DUH!"

3. Comment on how cute the instructor is looking that day.

4. Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 minutes, put on a white mask and start yelling "I'm here, the phantom of the opera" until they drag you away.

5. Go to an exam for a class you have no clue about, where you know the class is very small, and the instructor would recognize you if you belonged. Claim that you have been to every lecture. Fight for your right to take the exam.

6. Upon receiving the exam, look it over, while laughing loudly, say "you don't really expect me to waste my time on this drivel? Days of our Lives is on!!!"

7. Bring a water pistol with you.

8. From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy. Ignore the instructor's requests for you to stop. When they finally get you to leave one way or another, begin whistling the theme to the Bridge on the River Kwai.

9. Start a brawl in the middle of the exam.

10. If the exam is math/science related, make up the longest proofs you could possibly think of. Get pi and imaginary numbers into most equations. If it is a written exam, relate everything to your own life story.

11. Come in wearing a full knight's outfit, complete with sword and shield.

12. Bring a friend to give you a back massage the entire way through the exam. Insist this person is needed, because you have bad circulation.

13. Bring cheat sheets for another class (make sure this is obvious. . . like history notes for a calculus exam. . . otherwise you're not just failing, you're getting kicked out too) and staple them to the exam, with the comment "Please use the attached notes for references as you see fit. "

14. When you walk in, complain about the heat.

15. After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any question, ask for the answer. Try to work it out of him/her.

16. One word: Wrestlemania.

17. Bring balloons, blow them up, start throwing them around like they do before concerts start.

18. Try to get people in the room to do the wave.

19. Play frisbee with a friend at the other side of the room.

20. Bring one pencil with a very sharp point. Break the point off your paper. Sharpen the pencil. Repeat this process for one hour.

21. Get deliveries of candy, flowers, balloons, telegrams, etc. . . sent to you every few minutes throughout the exam.

22. During the exam, take apart everything around you. Desks, chairs, anything you can reach.

23. Complete the exam with everything you write being backwards at a 90 degree angle.

24. Bring a musical instrument with you, play various tunes. If you are asked to stop, say "it helps me think. " Bring a copy of the Student Handbook with you, challenging the instructor to find the section on musical instruments during finals. Don't forget to use the phrase "Told you so".

25. Answer the exam with the "Top Ten Reasons Why Professor ABC is a Terrible Teacher"

Really funny jokes-The excuse

Aron goes to see his supervisor in the front office.

"Boss," he says, "we're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff."

"We're short-handed, Aron" the boss replies. "I can't give you the day off."

"Thanks, boss," says Aron, "I knew I could count on you!"

Funny things to do during an exam

Funny things to do during an exam

1. Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes. Wake up, say "oh geez, better get cracking" and do some gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes early.

2. Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming "Andre, Andre, I've got the secret documents!!"

3. If it is a math/science exam, answer in essay form. If it is long answer/essay form, answer with numbers and symbols. Be creative. Use the integral symbol.

4. Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the instructor's left nostril.

5. Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, "I'm so sure you can hear me thinking. " Then start talking about what a jerk the instructor is.

6. Bring cheerleaders.

7. Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About five minutes into it, loudly say to the instructor, "I don't understand any of this. I've been to every lecture all semester long! What's the deal? And who are you? Where's the regular guy?"

8. Bring a Game Boy (or Game Gear, etc. . . ). Play with the volume at max level.

9. On the answer sheet (book, whatever) find a new, interesting way to refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be creative.

10. Bring pets.

11. Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of relief. Go to the instructor, say "They've found me, I have to leave the country" and run off.

12. Fifteen minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out "Merry Christmas. "If you're really daring, ask for another copy of the exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every fifteen minutes.

13. Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent markers.

14. Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your head, and nothing else.

15. Come down with a BAD case of Turet's Syndrome during the exam. Be as vulgar as possible.

16. Do the entire exam in another language. If you don't know one, make one up! For math/science exams, try using Roman numerals.

17. Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/he's not looking. Blame it on the person nearest to you.

18. As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.

19. Walk into the exam with an entourage. Claim you are going to be taping your next video during the exam. Try to get the instructor to let them stay, be persuasive. Tell the instructor to expect a percentage of the profits if they are allowed to stay.

20. Every five minutes, stand up, collect all your things, move to another seat, continue with the exam.

21. Turn in the exam approximately 30 minutes into it. As you walk out, start commenting on how easy it was.

22. Do the entire exam as if it was multiple choice and true/false. If it is a multiple choice exam, spell out interesting things (DCCAB. BABE. etc. . ).

23. Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers completely blacked out.

24. Get the exam. Twenty minutes into it, throw your papers down violently, scream out "Forget this!" and walk out triumphantly.

25. Arrange a protest before the exam starts (i. e. Threaten the instructor that whether or not everyone's done, they are all leaving after one hour to go drink)

A good wife

Martin and Tina were married for some time. Lately Martin was in two minds whether Tina was a good wife to him. One day Martin took his donkey to a field near his house to get some work done. After a while he saw Tina come towards them with food for him, fodder for the animal and water for both of them. That instant he decided that Tina was a good woman after all.

But when Tina was feeding the donkey, the animal kicked her in the head killing her instantly. Martin was sorry. At the funeral his friend Dean saw some women looking at Tina and then at Martin. Martin moved his head up and down. Dean next observed some men look at the donkey and then at Marin who shook his head side by side.

Later Dean asked Martin what it was all about. Martin said: “Women looked at me to confirm Tina was a good wife, I said ‘yes’. Next men looked at me, which meant if the donkey was for sale, I said ‘No.’”

Really funny jokes-New job at the cemetery

Tom: How do you like your new job at the cemetery?

Bob: I quit after a week. I found the work too frustrating.

Tom: What happened?

Bob: No matter what I said to the customers, they were always dead right!

Funny jokes-In the middle of the night

Martin and Tina were in bed when the phone rang in the middle of the night. Martin picked up the receiver, listened and shouted: “You idiot, how do you think I am supposed to know that? That damn thing is five hundred miles from here.” And disconnected the line.

Tina asked sleepily: “What was that?”

Martin: “How do I know? Some idiot wanted to know if the coast was clear.”

Short funny jokes-Karate

Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of the world.

Really funny jokes-Respectful

Johnny and Michael were fishing in the river below the bridge. Suddenly they observed a funeral procession coming and passing their way. Johnny just dropped the fishing pole, stood at attention and bowed in reverence as the procession went past them.

Michael was mighty impressed and said: “Johnny boy that was a mighty respectful thing to do. I never knew you had this streak in you.”

Johnny: “Yeah man, that’s the least I can do. I was married to her for the past twenty two years.”

Really funny jokes-Paddy's friends

Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle, they walk over to the bird section and Gerry says to Paddy, 'Dat's dem.' The owner comes over and asks if he can help them. 'Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere,' says Gerry. The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box. Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of the Connor Pass. 

At the Connor Pass , Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, 'Dis looks like a grand place.' He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff. Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead.. 

Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says, 'Fook dat. Dis budgie jumping is too fook'n dangerous for me!' 

Moments later; Seamus arrives up at Connor Pass. He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another cardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other. 'Hi, Paddy, watch dis,' Seamus says. He takes a parrot from the box and lets him fly free. He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff with the gun. Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot. Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body. 

Paddy shakes his head and says, 'And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either!' Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean appears. He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a cardboard box out of which he pulls a chicken. Sean then takes the chicken by its legs and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine. 

Once more Paddy shakes his head.. 'Fook dat, lads. First dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting.... And now Sean and his fook'n hengliding!

Short funny jokes-Average

Q: What would England achieve with 11 David Beckhams?

A: An average IQ.

Hilarious jokes-Writing a telegram

An owl went to send a telegram and wrote "Hoot Hoot, Hoot Hoot, Hoot Hoot."

The clerk looked at the form and said "You've only six words here, you can have three more for the same fee".

The owl looked at the clerk and said dismissively "But that wouldn't make any sense if I did that".

SMS jokes-Where are you?

Bf: Babe, What r u doing?

Gf: Nothing! Tired...just going 2 sleep now Honey! What about u Sweetheart?

Bf: In d Club, standing behind u.

Kick the habit

When my mother came to visit, she noticed I hadn't once lit up a cigarette. "Are you trying to kick the habit?" she asked.

"No," I replied. "I have a cold, and I don't smoke when I'm not feeling well."

"You know," she observed, "you'd probably live longer if you were sick more often."

Hilarious jokes-The Butcher Dance

Richard Attenborough has spent five years traveling all around the world making a documentary on Native dances. At the end of this time, he has every single native dance of every indigenous culture in the world on film. He winds up in Australia, in Alice Springs, so he pops into a pub for a well earned beer. He gets talking to one of the local Aborigines and tells him about his project.

The Aborigine asks the guy what he thought of the "Butcher Dance."

The guy's a bit confused and says, "Butcher Dance? What's that?"

"What? You no see Butcher Dance?"

"No, I've never heard of it."
"Oh mate. You crazy. How you say you film every native dance if you no see Butcher Dance?"

"I got a corroborree on film just the other week. Is that what you mean?"

"No no, not corroborree. Butcher Dance much more important than corroborree."

"Oh, well how can I see this Butcher Dance then?"

"Mate, Butcher Dance right out bush. Many days travel to go see Butcher Dance."

"Look, I've been everywhere from the forests of the Amazon, to deepest darkest Africa, to the frozen wastes of the Arctic filming these dances. Nothing will prevent me from recording this one last dance."

"OK, mate. You drive north along highway towards Darwin. After you drive 197 miles, you see dirt track veer off to left. Follow dirt track for 126 miles 'til you see big huge dead gum tree - biggest tree you ever see. Here you gotta leave the car, because much too rough for driving. You strike out due west into setting sun. You walk 3 days 'til you hit creek. You follow this creek to Northwest. After 2 days you find where creek flows out of rocky mountains. Much too difficult to cross mountains here though. You now head south for half day 'til you see pass through mountains. Pass very difficult and very dangerous. Take 2, maybe 3 days to get through rocky pass. When through, head Northwest for 4 days 'til reach big huge rock - 20 ft high and shaped like man's head. From rock, walk due west for 2 days and you find village. Here you see Butcher Dance."

So the guy grabs his camera crew and equipment and heads out. After a couple of hours he finds the dirt track. The track is in a shocking state and he's forced to crawl along at a snails pace and so he doesn't reach the tree until dusk and he's forced to set up camp for the night.

He sets out bright and early the following morning. His spirits are high and he's excited about the prospect of capturing on film this mysterious dance which he had never heard mention of before.
True to the directions he has been given, he reaches the creek after three days and follows it for another two until they reach the rocky mountains. The merciless sun is starting to take its toll by this time and his spirits are starting to flag, but wearily he trudges on until he finds the pass through the hills - nothing will prevent him from completing his life's dream.

The mountains prove to be every bit as treacherous as their guide said and at times they almost despair of getting their bulky equipment through. But after three and a half days of back breaking effort they finally force their way clear and continue their long trek.

When they reach the huge rock, four days later, their water is running low and their feet are covered with blisters. Yet they steel themselves and head out on the last leg of their journey.
Two days later they virtually stagger into the village where the natives feed them and give them fresh water. They begin to feel like new men.

Once he's recovered enough, the guy goes before the village chief and tells him that he has come to film there Butcher Dance.

"Oh mate. Very bad you come today. Butcher Dance last night. You too late. You miss dance."

"Well, when do you hold the next dance?"

"Not 'til next year."


"Well, I've come all this way. Couldn't you just hold an extra dance for me, tonight?"

"No, no, no! Butcher Dance very holy. Only hold once a year. If hold more, gods get very angry and destroy village! You want see Butcher Dance you come back next year."

The guy is devastated, but he has no other option but to head back to civilization and back home.
The following year, he heads back to Australia and, determined not to miss out again, sets out a week earlier than last time. He is quite willing to spend a week in the village before the dance is performed in order to ensure he is present to witness it. However, right from the start things go wrong.

Heavy rains that year have turned the dirt track to mud and the car gets bogged every few miles, finally forcing them to abandon their vehicles and slog through the mud on foot almost half the distance to the tree.

They reach the creek and the mountains without any further hitch, but halfway through the ascent of the mountain they are struck by a fierce storm which rages for several days, during which they are forced to cling forlornly to the mountainside until it subsides. It would be suicide to attempt to scale the treacherous paths in the face of such savage elements.

Then, before they have traveled a mile out from the mountains, one of the crew sprains his ankle badly which slows down the rest of their journey enormously, to the rock and then the village.

Eventually, having lost all sense of how long they have been traveling, they stagger into the village at about 12:00 noon. "The Butcher Dance!" gasps the guy. "Please don't tell me I'm too late!"

The chief recognizes him and says "No, white fella. Butcher Dance performed tonight. You come just in time."

Relieved beyond measure, the crew spends the rest of the afternoon setting up their equipment - preparing to capture the night's ritual on celluloid as dusk falls, the natives start to cover there bodies in white paint and adorn themselves in all manner of bird's feathers and animal skins.

Once darkness has settled fully over the land, the natives form a circle around a huge roaring fire.

A deathly hush descends over performers and spectators alike as a wizened old figure with elaborate swirling designs covering his entire body enters the circle and begins to chant. Some sort of witch doctor or medicine man, figures the guy and he whispers to the chief, "What's he doing?"

"Hush," whispers the chief. "You first white man ever to see most sacred of our rituals. Must remain silent. Holy man, he asks that the spirits of the dream world watch as we demonstrate our devotion to them through our dance and, if they like our dancing, will they be so gracious as to watch over us and protect us for another year."

The chanting of the Holy man reaches a stunning crescendo before he moves himself from the circle. From somewhere the rhythmic pounding of drums booms out across the land and the natives begin to sway to the stirring rhythm.

The guy is becoming caught up in the fervour of the moment himself. This is it. He now realises beyond all doubt that his wait has not been in vain. He is about to witness the ultimate performance of rhythm and movement ever conceived by mankind.

The chief strides to his position in the circle and, in a big booming voice, starts to sing,
He says, "You butch yer right arm in. You butch yer right arm out. You butch yer right arm in and you shake it all about"

Short funny jokes-Sumo wrestlers

Sandy: Why do Sumo wrestlers shave their legs?

Mandy: So no one confuses them with feminists.

Funny jokes-Swimming competition

There was a swimming competition between a few girls one summer morning. The style decided was breast-stroke. The event started with the call five…….four…… three…… two…… one…….go.

All the girls reached the finish line more or less the same time except Marie. They all sportingly waited for Marie to arrive. It was almost forty minutes later that Marie reached the finish line. She was totally exhausted and on the verge of collapse. Other girls helped her asked what went wrong.

After regaining her breath Marie said: “My word, you all must have used your arms, otherwise how could you reach so fast? That’s cheating.”

Pythagorean theorem

A Native American chief has three wives living in three wigwams and one day he offers them new bed covers.

The first asks for a buffalo-skin hide as a cover, and this is duly delivered.

The second wife asks for a bear-skin hide and, although this is more dangerous to catch, one is eventually bought to her.

The third wife is the youngest and prettiest and she asks for a hippopotamus-skin hide as a bed cover.

This proves extremely difficult to find, but eventually she has her wish. Nine months later the first wife gives birth to a boy, the second wife gives birth to a girl, and the third wife has twins – a boy and a girl.

Which goes to prove that the squaw on the hippopotamus is equal to the squaw on the other two hides.

In PUN we believe!

Short funny jokes-Reunions

Tina is very fond of attending her class reunions, reason?

According to Tina, it is real fun and excitement to see all those old faces and new teeth.

Heaven and Hell

It was a Sunday and the preacher was addressing a mass in the church. During his sermon, the preacher broached the subject of Heaven and Hell, how good deeds allow you a place in Heaven and how bad deeds make you suffer in Hell. Finally done, the preacher commanded: “Raise your hands - those of you who want to go to heaven.”

Every one raised his hand except Dean and Martin. Father asked them: “What’s wrong with the two of you? Don’t you fancy heaven?”

Dean: “We do, we do. But we thought like you are taking us there right now and we are not ready yet.”

Very funny jokes-First Twitter Date

Brad: That was a great show. So.. did you want to come up to my place and check out my TweetDeck?

Betty: ummm... I don't think so.

Brad: Well then how about my Twhirl pool?

Betty: Look.. you’re a cute guy, but after seeing your Fail Whale this just isn’t going to work!

Really funny jokes-Don't want to go to Church

Irina went to wake up her son for church one Sunday morning. When she knocked on his door, he said, "I'm not going!"

"Why not?" asked Irina.

"I'll give you two good reasons," he said. "One, they don't like me. Two, I don't like them."

Irina replied, "I'll give you two good reasons why YOU WILL go to church. One, you're 47 years old. Two, you're the pastor!"

Really funny jokes-Car dents

POSH takes her car into a garage to have some dents removed. The garage man, knowing she isn't the brightest Spice Girl in the world, decides to play a joke on her.

"You don't need me to take those dents out," he says. "Just blow up the exhaust pipe and the metal will pop back into place."

So she takes the car home and tries it. David spots her from the house, opens a window and shouts: "You daft girl! You have to wind the windows up first!"

Office jokes-Meetings

Are you Lonely?
Don't like working on your own?
Hate making decisions?

Then call a MEETING!!

You can:-

SEE people,
DRAW flowcharts,
FEEL important,
IMPRESS your colleagues
(and all on company time)

MEETINGS....
The practical alternative to work!

Hilarious jokes-Health warning

Aramco Health Department

Large scale outbreak of Texanitus hits Saudi Arabia

During the last 30 years there have been occasional outbreaks of Texanitus, but this last one appears to have reached epidemic proportions. Consequently the Health Department consider it necessary to ease the panic that is sweeping the country by issuing this advice.

Texanitus can be divided into two forms:

Acute
Chronic

Acute Texanitus is the mild form of the disease and can usually be cured by a complete rest for 5 years with the Gorra Gorra Tribe in the Amazon rain forest. Children who catch acute Texanitus usually end up as chronic cases as the disease appears to be hereditary. Some children do seem to have a natural resistance but unfortunately they seem very rare.

Chronic sufferers can sometimes be recognized by large hats that they wear to hide their enormously swollen heads. Likewise others wear large boots or belt buckles to compensate for their thin legs and distended stomachs. Other symptoms include shouts of YIPEEEE or GODAMIT, which just shows how painful this disease can be in the terminal stages.

WARNING :

Never corner chronic sufferers in a confined space and ask them questions, as most sufferers tend to spray rumours in all directions. Whether this bull is contagious we not yet know, so take precautions.

As a safeguard we are giving anti Texanitus shots to anyone that wants one, so if you are worried go along to your nearest clinic and get one.

Yours truly

Mustaffa Phart

Aramco Surgeon General

Sports jokes-Second round

What do you call a Scottish guy in the second round of the World Cup?

He has to be The Referee

Short funny jokes-Degrees

What did the thermometer say to the graduated cylinder?

"You may have graduated but I've got many degrees".

Clever elderly gentleman

Three old men - Jack, Roland & Nicholas were talking about what their grandkids would be mentioning about them fifty years from then.

Jack said, "I would like my grandchild to say, 'He was a successful businessman'".

Roland, the sentimental gentleman said, "I want my grandchildren to remember me as a loyal family man".

Then Jack asked Nicholas,  "So what do you want them to say about you in fifty years?"

"Well" replied Nicholas, "I want my grandkids to say 'He certainly looks good for his age!'"

Kids jokes-Wagon

English teacher says to her student: Sam, please use the word "wagon" in a sentence.

Sam: If I told my dog to stop wagon his tail, he would still wag on.

Really funny jokes-Arab salesman's offer

As US tourists in Israel, a man and his wife were sitting outside a Bethlehem souvenir shop, waiting for fellow tourists. An Arab salesman approached them carrying belts. After an impassioned sales talk yielded no results, he asked where they were from.

'America,' the husband replied.

Looking at her dark hair and olive skin, the Arab responded, 'She's not from the States.'

'Yes, I am.' said the wife. He looked at her and asked, 'Is he your husband?'

'Yes,' she replied. Turning to the husband, he offered....

'I'll give you 100 camels for her.' The husband looked stunned, and there was a long silence.

Finally he replied,' She's not for sale.'

After the salesman left, the somewhat indignant wife asked her husband what took him so long to answer, to which the husband replied, 'I was trying to figure out how I'd get 100 camels back home.'

Short funny jokes-Turkey

Question: Why did they let the turkey join the band?

Answer: Because he had his own drumsticks!

Hilarious jokes-Last statement

A man who was gloomy and desperate at England's current football situation decided to commit suicide. He planned to hang himself in his living room. At the very last moment, he decided upon wearing his full England kit as his last statement. A neighbor, catching sight of the impending incident, called the police.

On arrival, the police quickly removed the Jersey and dressed the man in stockings and suspenders. The man, totally confused asked why.

The policeman simply replied, "It's to avoid embarrassing your family."

Really funny jokes-The precious one

And then there was this Swede pilot who was on a plane with two Norwegian pilots on a test flight.

All of a sudden, there was a snag in the engine and they had to bail themselves out. But the problem was that there were only two parachutes in the plane. The Swede seized one and said: “I am too precious to this world and mankind in general to lose my life.” And he jumped.

One Norwegian: “Now what?”

Second Norwegian: “We jump. The precious one just grabbed my back pack and jumped.”

One line jokes-So important

This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it.
(Advertising/Marketing Manager, United Parcel Service)

Office jokes-Corporate language

Corporate language

'A challenging market' - a difficult market.
'A difficult market' - totally impossible.
'We see an up-turn later in the year' - it can't get any worse.
'We are working on improving our performance' - we've sacked the whole team.
'Left the company unexpectedly' - topped himself.
'Left to develop his career elsewhere' - we fired him.
'A well constructed and extremely versatile product' - no one understands it.
'Recent down-sizing of the sales force' - the buggers keep leaving.
'Doesn't suffer fools gladly' - complete idiot to work for.
'He has an active social life' - alcoholic
'A spectacular producer during the time he was with us' - now doing time at Wandsworth.
'Highly creative, with an endless supply of unorthodox ideas' -mad.
'Forthcoming changes in the regulatory environment' - Oh Christ, here we go again.

Hilarious jokes-Dressing room conversation

The Manchester United players are in the dressing room getting ready for the match. Just before the game, Roy Keane walks in.

"Boss," he says, "There's a problem. I'm not playing unless I get a cortisone injection."

"Hey," says David Beckham. "If he's having a new car, so am I."

Really funny jokes-Reservations for a table

James arrived at a popular restaurant and was dismayed to find it very crowded. Approaching the hostess James asked, 'Will it be long?'

The hostess, seemingly ignoring James, continued writing in her reservations book.

Thinking she had possibly not heard him the first time, James decided to ask again. 'How much time is the wait for a table?'

Looking up from her book, the hostess smiled and said, 'Oh, only about ten minutes. We will inform you when your table is ready.'

A short time later, James heard an announcement over the intercom system, 'Willette B. Long...... Willette B. Long, your table is ready.'

Hilarious jokes-Married a Gorilla

Two explorers are at their London club. One says to the other, ‘Did you hear about Old Chumley? On his last expedition to Africa he married a gorilla!’

‘Good God,’ says the other. ‘That’s a bit queer.’

‘Oh no,’ replies the first explorer. ‘It was a female gorilla.’

Really funny jokes-Shoe blues

One evening after office, I drove my secretary home since her car would not start. I decided not to bother my wife, Jane, so did not mention it to her.

Later that night, I was driving out with Jane to eat when the I noticed a high-heeled shoe hidden under the passenger seat. Pointing to something out the passenger window to distract my wife, I picked up the shoe and tossed it out of my window.

We arrived at the restaurant a short time later, and were about to get out of the car when Jane asked, 'John, have you seen my other shoe?'