Hilarious jokes-In jail

Two old men, John and David, met at a park.

John said, "Hey, where have you been all these years?"

David replied, "I was in jail."

"What? What did you do?" asked John.

David said, "Well, I was standing at the marketplace when this pretty young thing appeared with a policeman, pointed to me and said, 'That's the guy, Officer. He's the one who raped me'."

"What? And you let her accuse you like that?" exclaimed John.

"Well, you know I felt so flattered, I had to admit to it," replied David.

Short funny jokes-Borrow landmower

Joe, to his neighbor Tom: ‘Hey, can I borrow your lawnmower?’

Tom: ‘Sorry, she’s not home yet.’

Good physique

Just a thought: Nowadays, a man spends quite some time in acquiring good physique rather than good knowledge.

Reason: He knows a woman may be dumb but not blind.

Clean jokes-Wallet

Two fishermen were out on the lake when one of them dropped his wallet. As they watched the wallet float down to the depths of the lake, a carp came along and snatched up the wallet. Soon came another carp who stole it away and then a third joined in.

Remarked one of the fisherman, "That's the first time I've ever seen carp-to-carp walleting."

Forward me!!

Not all men are romantic.

My girlfriend, Renee, being the romantic sort, sent me the following messages on whatsapp when I was on a business trip to the north.

When you chuckle, forward me your smile.

When you are down, forward me your tears.

When you eat, forward me a bite.

When you drink, forward me a sip.

When you are asleep, forward me your dreams.


I didn't know what to reply to these thoughts.
So I messaged back, "I am in the washroom, sitting on the pot. What should I forward to you??"

Funny jokes-Fewer Heart attacks

The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British.

On the other hand, the French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British.

The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British.

The French and Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British.

Conclusion:
Eat and drink what you like. It's speaking English that kills you.

What are you expecting?

7 year old Jason was at the metro with his friends.

He saw a pregnant lady standing next to him and asked her, "What are you expecting?"

The pregnant lady replied casually, "a train"

Jason commented to his friends, "Can you beat this! this babe got laid by a Transformer!"

Short funny jokes-David Becham and Ferero Roche

Q. What have David Becham and Ferero Roche got in common?

A. They both come in posh boxes!

Really funny jokes-Life in prison vs. Life in office

A comparison of life in prison vs. a full time job

In prison, they spend the majority of their time in a 8' x 10' cell.
At work, I spend most of my time in a 6' x 8' cubicle.

In prison, they get three meals a day.
At work, I only get a break for one meal and I have to pay for that one.

In prison, you get time off for good behavior.
At work, I get rewarded for good behavior with more work.

In prison, they provide you with clothing with the ID conveniently sewn on to the clothes.
At work, I must wear an ID badge at all times.

In prison, there is a dress standard, but they supply the clothes.
At work, there is a dress standard, but I must buy my own clothes.

In prison, a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for me.
At work, I must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors myself.

In prison, they can watch TV and play games.
At work, I can get fired for watching TV and playing games.

In prison, they will pay my way through school to learn a new career and give me time to do it.
At work, they will pay for my education, but I must do it on my own time.

In prison they have exercise rooms that they allow you to use almost whenever you want.
At work we have an exercise room that you can use but it must be on your time.

In prison, I can fall asleep on the job and no serious consequences comes from my action.
At work, if I fall asleep on the job I get put on the next bullet list.

In prison, they ball and chain you when you go somewhere.
At work, you are just ball and chained.

In prison, you have full free medical coverage .
At work, you get partial coverage and your BUPA payments are deducted

In prison, all expenses are paid by the tax payer.
At work, you get to pay all the expenses to go to work, and then deduct the taxes from your salary to pay for the prisoners.

Funny jokes-Senior management

A man has spent many days crossing the desert without water. His camel dies of thirst. He's crawling through the sands, certain that he has breathed his last, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him. He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old brief case. He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie. He is wearing a Senior Manager ID badge and a dull grey suit.

"Well" says the genie. "You know how it works. You have three wishes."

"I'm not falling for this." says the man. "I'm not going to trust a Senior Manager."

"What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!"

The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right.

"OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plentiful food and drink."

POOF The man finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

"OK, kid, what's your second wish."

"My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams."

POOF The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.

"OK, kid, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"

After thinking for a few minutes, the man says: "I wish that no matter where I go beautiful women will want and need me."

POOF He is turned into a tampon.

The moral of the story?
If a Senior Manager offers you anything, there's going to be a string attached.

Really funny jokes-Directions to City hospital

A lady standing in the middle of a busy street asked a traffic constable: “Can you guide me how to go to the city hospital?”

Constable: “Lady, just keep standing here and you will be there in no time.”

Hilarious jokes-Three legionnaires

There were three legionnaires walking through the desert under a baking sun. They were fully equipped with enough water for days, and had food aplenty. On the shimmering horizon mirages came and went and came again, visions of swimming pools attended by dusky maidens, stalls full of ice-cream, sorbets, freshly-whipped smoothies of every conceivable flavour. But all to no avail, as the legionnaires did not crack, but kept marching solidly on. Suddenly one of them froze, "Psssst" said he. His companions halted, and strained their eyes to where the first legionnaire was pointing.

"Le voila", said he, "Regardez, mes amis, isn't zat a bacon tree on ze 'orizon?"

And sure enough, there it stood, proud and defiant in the middle of the desert, a true bacon tree. Slowly they crept forward towards the mystery object far off, inch by inch, centimetre by centimetre, until they were within a stone's throw of the bacon tree. Even nearer they crept, and suddenly, a shot rang out, dropping one of the legionnaires in his tracks.

The other legionnaires hit the ground as bullets thudded into the sand around them. The other two returned fire, and gave first aid to their wounded companion. Even as they bandaged him, and poured water over his face, they could hear his faint voice:
"Zat was no bacon tree," he gasped, "Zat was an 'ham bush."

Funny jokes-Married a gorilla

Two explorers are at their London club. One says to the other, ‘Did you hear about Old Chumley? On his last expedition to Africa he married a gorilla!’

‘Good God,’ says the other. ‘That’s a bit queer.’

‘Oh no,’ replies the first explorer. ‘It was a female gorilla.’

Really funny jokes-Maths class

The math teacher saw that Daphne wasn't paying attention in class. She called on her and said, 'Daphne! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?'

Daphne quickly replied, 'ABC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon Network!'

Hilarious jokes-Mother of Six

Peter had six children and was very proud of his achievement. He was so proud of himself that for years he called his wife, Sara, "Mother of Six," in spite of her regular objections.

One evening, in their retirement years, they go to a party. It is late and Peter is ready to go home and wants to find out if Sara is ready to leave as well.

Pater bellows at the top of his voice, 'Shall we go home, Mother of Six?'

Sara, greatly irritated by Pater's lack of discretion over so many years, yells back at him, 'Anytime you're ready, "Father of Four".'

Short funny jokes-Cinderella's photos

What did Cinderella say while she was waiting for her photos?

Some day my prints will come.

Really funny jokes-Drink Whisky

Jock and a Englishman were flying from Edinburgh when the stewardess approached. "May I get you something?" she asked. "Aye, a whusky" Jock replied.

She poured him a drink then asked the Englishman if he'd like one.

"Never!" he said sternly. "I'd rather be raped and ravished by loose women all the way to America than
drink whisky!"

Jock hurriedly passed the drink back, saying "Och, Ah didna ken there wuz a choice!"

Funny jokes-Mountain climbing

Hans and Fritz went mountain climbing with their mother. She slipped and fell a thousand feet and Fritz hollered, ‘Look, Hans! No ma!’

Animal jokes-So lazy

My dog is so lazy he won’t even bark, he just waits for another dog to bark, then nods.

Hilarious jokes-Rhubarb

A little boy goes up to Old Tom the gardener and says, ‘What do you put on your rhubarb?’

‘Well, usually rotted horse manure,’ replies Old Ned.

‘We have custard.’ says the little boy.

Funny jokes-The new tribe

An explorer is telling his friends about a new tribe he’s discovered in Africa – the Fukawe.

‘They’re pygmies,’ explains the explorer. ‘But unlike most pygmies, who live in the forests, these fellows live in the tall grasses of the plains.’

‘And what does the name of the tribe mean?’ asks one of his friends.

‘I’m not sure,’ replies the explorer. ‘But when I found them wandering through the six-foot grass virtually the first thing they said to me was, “We’re the Fukawe.”’

Really funny jokes-Never tasted

Jock was traveling by train seated next to a stern-faced clergyman. As Jock pulled out a bottle of whiskey from his pocket the clergyman glared and said reprovingly, "Look here, I am sixty-five and I have never tasted whiskey in my life!"

"Dinna worry, Minister," smiled Jock, pouring himself a dram. "There's no risk of you starting now!"

Short funny jokes-Alien's mother

What did the alien's mother say to the alien?

Where on earth have you been!

Adult jokes-Life on the Moon

Shortly after his spaceship landed on the moon, the astronaut debarked and began exploring the strange new terrain. He had walked for only fifteen minutes when he came upon a lovely young moon girl, who was busily stirring the contents of a meteoroid pot.

"Hi," he said, introducing himself. "I'm an astronaut, here to discover everything I can about life on the moon."

The moon girl stopped stirring long enough to throw him a smile. "How interesting it is that you are formed just like our moon men," she observed, looking him up and down. Pointing to her own, quite naked body, she asked, "And am I structured as a earth women?"

"Yes, you are," answered the astronaut. "But tell me, why do you stir that pot?"

"I'm making a baby," she said. And sure enough, a few minutes later, a baby appeared in the pot.

"Would you like to see how we make babies on earth?" asked the astronaut, by now considerably aroused. The girl said she would, so the astronaut proceeded with a passionate demonstration.

"That was enjoyable," she said afterward, "but where is the baby?"

"Oh, that takes nine months," explained the astronaut.

"Nine months?" she asked. "Then why did you stop stirring?"

Clean jokes-Seagulls

Q: Why do seagulls live near the sea?

A: Because if they lived near the bay, they would be called bagels.

Really funny jokes-The family way

Conswelo, a Mexican maid announced to her boss, Mrs. Blanco that she was quitting. When asked why, she replied, "I'm in the family way."

The wife was totally surprised and shocked, and asked who the father could be.

The maid replied, "Your husband and your son."

Mrs. Blanco was mortified and demanded an explanation.

"Well," Conswelo explained, "I go to the library to clean it and your husband say, 'You are in the way'. I go to the living room to clean and your son say 'You are in my way'. So I'm in the family way and I quit."

Animal jokes-A Snail's tale

A snail is crossing the road. As he’s about to get to the other side a turtle runs him over. The paramedics transport the unconscious snail to hospital. The doctors work to revive the snail and, when he awakens, the doctor asks him what happened.

The snail replies, ‘I don’t know, it all happened so fast!’

Really funny jokes-So lazy

Harry is so lazy, if you shot him he’d probably ask someone to help him to the floor.

Harry was so lazy, if he dropped something he wouldn’t pick it up again till his shoelaces needed tying.

Harry was so lazy he had his window box concreted over.

Harry works almost every day. He almost works on Monday, he almost works on Tuesday, he almost works on Wednesday.

Good jokes-No talk

One friend: “My wife didn’t talk to me after I presented her with a diamond ring.”

Another friend: “Is that so? Your wife must be foolish.”

First friend: “It was a deal. She wouldn’t settle for a gold ring.”

Really funny jokes-Never say no to customer

The manager of a garden centre overhears one of his nurseryman talking to a customer. ‘No, we haven’t had any of that in ages,’ says the nurseryman. ‘And I don’t know when we’ll be getting any more.’

The customer leaves and the manager walks over to give him a telling off. ‘Never tell a customer we can’t get them something,’ he says. ‘Whatever they want we can always get it on order and deliver it. D’you understand?’

The nurseryman nods.

‘So what did he want?’ asks the manager.

‘Rain,’ replies the nurseryman.

Funny jokes-Procrastinate

Boy to father: ‘What does “procrastinate” mean?’

Father: ‘I’ll tell you later.'

Hilarious jokes-Only child

Mum, teacher was asking me today if I have any brothers or sisters who will be coming to school."

"That's nice of her to take such an interest, dear. What did she say when you told her u are the only child?"

"She just said, 'Thank goodness!'"

Clean jokes-Bonsai tree grower

Did you hear about the successful bonsai tree grower?

He got so good he ended up looking for a house with a smaller garden.

Really funny jokes-Neck size

One lady to a salesman in a shop: “I want to select a shirt for my husband, can you help me?”

Salesman: “Sure madam, it is my pleasure. What would be the size of your husband?”

Lady: “Err….. about size, I don’t know. But yes, his neck fits perfectly in my hands.”

Funny jokes-Distracted jockey

Riding the favourite at Cheltenham, a jockey is well ahead of the field. Suddenly he’s hit on the head by a salmon sandwich and a pork pie. He manages to keep control of his mount and pulls back into the lead, only to be struck by a tin of caviar and a dozen Scotch eggs. With great skill he manages to steer the horse to the front of the field once more when, on the final furlong, he’s struck on the head by a bottle of Chardonnay and a Bakewell tart. Thus distracted, he only manages second place. Furious he immediately goes to the stewards to complain that he’s been seriously hampered.

Clean jokes-Snail at doorstep

A man hears a knock on his back door and goes to answer it. There’s no one there but the man notices a snail on his doorstep so he kicks it to the bottom of his garden.

Five years later there’s another knock on the door. The man answers it to find the snail on his doorstep again.

‘Hey!’ says the snail. ‘What the hell was that about?’

Hilarious jokes-Positive effect

A man who was doing a research on different kinds of books and their effects on people, asked a lady: “Madam, tell me, which is the book that has a positive effect on your life?”

Lady: “My husband’s cheque book.”

Really funny jokes-Penny for your thoughts

A young Scottish lad and lass were sitting on a low stone wall, holding hands, gazing out over the loch. For several minutes they sat silently.

Then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, "A penny for your thoughts, Angus."

"Well, uh, I was thinkin'...perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss."

The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek.

Then he blushed. The two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.

Minutes passed and the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."

"Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's noo time aboot time for a wee cuddle."

The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him for a few seconds. Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.

After a while, she again said, "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."

"Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's about time you let me put my hand on your leg."

The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her knee. Then he blushed. The the two turned once again to gaze out over the lock before the girl spoke again.

"Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."

The young man glanced down with a furled brow. "Well, noo," he said, "my thoughts are a wee bit more serious this time."

"Really?" said the lass in a whisper, filled with anticipation.

"Aye," said the lad, nodding.

The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush, and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request.

Then he said, "Dae ye nae think it's aboot time ye paid me the first three pennies?"

Short funny jokes-Karate expert

My brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert who joined the army.

The first time he saluted, he killed himself.

Funny jokes-Native American

A Native American takes a trip to New York. He gets lost and asks a traffic cop for directions. The cop points him the way then says, ‘And how are you enjoying our fine city?’

The Native American says, ‘It’s great. And how are you enjoying our fine country?’

Kids jokes-Digging potatoes

A small boy is helping his grandfather dig up potatoes.

‘What I want to know,’ he says, ‘is why you buried the damn things in the first place.’

Really funny jokes-Twitter addict

Twitter addict receives phone call from his doctor.
The doctor says:
“I have some good news and some bad news.”
Twitter addict:
“OK, give me the good news first.”
The doctor says:
“The good news is, you’ve got only 24 more hours to live.”
Twitter addict:
“Oh no! If that’s the good news, then what’s the bad news?”
The doctor says:
“The bad news is, Twitter is down.”

Hilarious jokes-Scottish husband

Scots boy came home from school and told his mother he had been given a part in the school play.

"Wonderful," says the mother, "What part is it?"

The boy says "I play the part of the Scottish husband!"

The mother scowls and says: "Go back and tell your teacher you want a speaking part."

Really funny jokes-Hit with a maple leaf

A little old man was escorted into the witness box. He was sworn in and asked by the lawyer to explain what happened. After a lengthy discussion of the events leading up to the incident he finally got around to the meat of the case: ‘And then she hit me with a maple leaf.’

‘A maple leaf? Surely that couldn’t have caused you any serious injury,’ said the lawyer.

‘Are you kidding?’ exclaimed the old man. ‘It was the leaf from the centre of our dining room table.’

One line jokes-Dumber

The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they’re going to be when you kill them.

Short funny jokes-Hippie

How do you get a hippie out of the bath?

Turn on the water.

Hilarious jokes-Scarecrow

A husband and wife are standing at the window admiring their garden.

‘Sooner or later you’re going to have to make a proper scarecrow to keep the birds off the flower beds,’ says the wife.

‘What’s wrong with the one we’ve got?’ asks the husband.

‘Nothing, replies the wife. ‘But Mother’s arms are getting tired.’

Funny jokes-Angry Indian

A man traveling through Arizona stops at a small town and goes into a bar. He stands at the end of the bar and lights up a cigar. As he sips his drink, he stands there quietly blowing smoke rings.

After he’s blown nine or ten smoke rings, an angry Indian comes up to him and says, ‘Listen, buddy, if you don’t stop calling me names, I’ll smash your face in!’

Really funny jokes-Transformation

An old lady is polishing a lamp when a genie suddenly appears and offers her three wishes.

‘I’d like to be young and beautiful again,’ says the old lady. ‘I’d like this cottage to be a fine mansion, and I’d like my cat, Whiskers, to be a handsome prince.’ The genie grants these wishes and the old lady, the cottage and Whiskers are all transformed. The beautiful young woman swoons into the handsome prince’s arms and he gently whispers in her ear, ‘Now I bet you wish you hadn’t taken me to the vet for that little operation.’

Clean jokes-Betting on Horses

‘Betting on horses is a funny old game,’ says a man to his friend. ‘You win one day and lose the next.’

The friend replies, ‘So why not bet every other day?’