Short funny jokes-Drunk chicken

Santa: What can drunk chicken give you?

Banta: Scotch eggs!

Kids jokes-Were you in Noah's ark?

My five-year-old boy, Neel, loves to sit on his grandfather's lap and listen to stories read out to him. One day, after his grandfather had told him the story about Noah's ark, and how Noah led pairs of different animals to the safety of the ark, Neel asked, "Grandpa, you are so old, I am sure you were also in Noah's ark, were you?"

His grandfather replied, "No, my dear".

Neel asked, "In that case, how is it that you survived the flood?"

Really funny jokes-Double room

Jim, a traveling salesman goes to a hotel late in the night and asks the clerk for a single room. As the clerk is completing the formalities, Jim looks around and finds a stunning blonde seated in the lobby. He tells the clerk to excuse him for a moment and heads to the lobby. He is back in a minute with the blonde on his arm.

"Fancy banging into my wife here," he tells the clerk. "Guess I'll need a double room after all."

Next morning, when Jim comes to settle his bill, he finds the amount to be $4200. "What the hell is this?" he yells at the clerk. "I have been here for just a night!"

"You are right, Sir," says the clerk, "but your wife has been here for 4 weeks."

Hilarious jokes-Civil War

Jany, a blonde tourist, could not resist asking it any more, so she questioned the guide, "Give me a good reason why so many of the famous Civil War battles had to be fought on National Park Sites?"

One line jokes-Skinny woman

Facts of life: Outside every skinny woman is a fat guy, trying to get in.

Funny jokes-Careers defined

So what will your career be - check some definitions.

Who is an accountant?
A person who knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing.

Who is an actuary?
A person who brings a fake bomb on a plane, because that decreases the chances that there will be another bomb on the plane.

Who is an archaeologist?
A person whose career lies in ruins.

Who is an architect?
A person who makes beautiful models, but unaffordable realities.

Who is an architect?
A person who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.

Hillbilly jokes-Twelve girlfriends

Q: What do you call a hillbilly with 12 girl friends?

A: A shepherd.

Really funny jokes-Birth of the computer

How the computer came into being
(written by my friend Steve Jobs)

01. In the beginning there was the Word, and Word had two Bytes and there was nothing else.

02. And God divided the ones from the zeros and saw that it was good.

03. And God said, Let there be data: and there were data.

04. And God said, Let data be gathered together into each own place and he created floppies, hard drives and CD-ROMs.

05. And God said, Let there be computers so there was a place to put hard drives, floppies and CD-ROMs. And God created computers and called them "hardware" and divided "hardware" from "software."

06. But there were no software yet so Lord God corrected himself and created programs big and small and blessed them, saying, Be fruitful, and multiply, and fill all memory.

07. And God got tired from writing programs and said, Let us make programmer in our image, after our likeness: and let him to have dominion over computers and programs and data. So God created a programmer and put him into his Computing Facility to live and work there. And LORD God brought programmer to the Directory Tree and commanded him, saying, From every directory thou mayest run programs. But from the WINDOWS directory thou shalt not run programs at all: for MUST DIE.

08. And the LORD God said, It is not good that the programmer should be alone; I will make him a help meet for him. And the LORD God took one of programmer's bones which had no brains and created a CUSTOMER; and brought him unto programmer: and programmer called customer a USER. And they were both sitting under pure DOS, and were not ashamed.

09. Now the Bill was more subtle than any beast of the field. And he said unto the user, Yea, hath God said, Ye shall not run programs from every directory? And the user said, We may run programs from every directory, but of the WINDOWS directory, God hath said, Ye shall not run programs from it, for MUST DIE. And Bill said to user, Let us argue a taste of oyster with those who ate them! In the day ye run WINDOWS, then ye shall be as gods, for with one click of mouse ye create whatever you want. And when the user saw that WINDOWS was pleasant to the eyes, and a program to be desired for it makes any knowledge unnecessary, and installed it on his computer; and said also unto programmer that it was cool; and programmer installed it too.

0A. And programmer went to look for new drivers, and he heard the voice of the LORD God, asking, Where art thou? And programmer said, Looking for new drivers, for there are no drivers under pure DOS. And the LORD God said, who told thee that thou needth drivers? Hast thou run programs from WINDOWS directory? And programmer said, The user whom thou gavest to be with me, he told me that from now on he wants programs only from WINDOWS directory; and I installed them. And the LORD God said unto the user, What is this that thou hast done? And the user said, The Bill beguiled me, and I did run WINDOWS.

OB. And the LORD God said unto the Bill, Because thou hast done this, thou art cursed above all cattle, and above every beast of the field; and I will put enmity between thee and the programmer; for he will curse you and thou will sell WINDOWS to him. OC. Unto the user he said, I will greatly multiply thy sorrow and barren thy wallet; and thou will use buggy programs; and thou will not survive without the programmer, and he shall rule over thee. 0D. And unto programmer he said, Because thou hast hearkened unto the voice of the user, cursed are computers for thy sake; bugs and viruses will they bring to thou; in sorrow shalt thou fight them all the days of thy life; in the sweat of thy face shalt thou debug thy code.

0E. Therefore the LORD God sent them forth from his Computer Facility; and he set password on entry.

0F. General protection fault.

Doctor jokes-God

God in the medical profession

Rick, the Intern, thinks of God.
Jim, the resident, prays to God,
Garry, the doctor talks to God, and
Jill, the nurse IS God.

Funny jokes-Directions on prescription bottle

John, the pharmacist was helping an aged patient in going through the directions on a prescription bottle.

John said, "Please be sure not to take this more often than every 3 hours."

"Oh, don't worry about that," replies the aged patient. "It anyways takes 3 hours for me to get the lid off".

Really funny jokes-No cream

The French philosopher Jules Henri Poincaré was relaxing in a cafe when he a waitress approached him and asked, "Can I get you something, Monsieur Poincaré?"

Poincaré replied, "Yes, I'd like a cup of coffee with sugar, but no cream".

The waitress returned after a few minutes and said, "I'm sorry, Monsieur Poincaré, we are all out of cream - how about with no milk?"

Hunting blues

Two Harley Davidson riders, Nick and Joey, were riding through the country to go bear hunting. They came upon a divider in the road where a sign read "BEAR LEFT".

So they shrugged and went back home.

Funny jokes-No kidding

I met a girl called Josie who told me about her exploits with the best athletes in college. When I said "no kidding", she thought I was talking about some kind of birth control.

More Oxymorons

A few more OXYMORONS for you to enjoy

**Sweet sorrow
**"Now, then..."
**Synthetic natural gas
**Peace force
**Temporary tax increase
**Computer security
**Plastic glasses
**Terribly pleased
**Political science
**Definite maybe

Adult jokes-Still premature!

David had been suffering from premature ejaculation for years and his wife coaxed him to finally go to a hospital for treatment. David got admitted and underwent an operation.

His wife rang up the hospital to find out if the operation was a success, and the doctor informed her, "I'm sorry but it's still touch and go!"

Really funny stuff-Some oxymorons

Oxymorons are figures of speech combining contradictory terms.

Some TOP OXYMORONS for you to reflect on. Take a pick of your favorite ones...

**Military Intelligence
**Resident alien
**Advanced BASIC
**Genuine imitation
**Same difference
**Almost exactly
**Business ethics
**Twelve-ounce poundcake
**New classic
**Passive aggression

Really funny jokes-Do not disturb

A hillbilly named Billy Bob checks into a hotel for the first time in his life, and goes up to his room. After a few minutes, he calls the desk and say, "My room does not have any exit. How do I get out?"

The reception clerk replied, "Sir, that's ridiculous. Have you looked for the door?"

Billy Bob says, "Well, there is one door to the bathroom. There's a second door to the closet. And there's another door which I have not tried, but it has a 'do not disturb' sign on it."

Short funny jokes-Rooster and TV

Q. Why did the rooster switch on the TV?

A. Just for some hentertainment!

Funny jokes-Stock market turnaround

Jack: The Stock market did an incredible turnaround yesterday.

Sam: Really?

Jack: Yep. A stock broker who jumped out of the window of his sixteenth floor office, saw a computer monitor on the eleventh floor and did a U-turn.

Clean jokes-Throwing watches

There are four tourists from India who are visiting London. They go to see the Big Ben. They all climb up the tower and decide to throw their wrist watches from the top, then hurry down the stairs and try to catch them before they hit the ground.

The first tourist, Amar, threw his watch but heard it crash before the had taken four steps.

The second tourist, Vinod, threw his watch and had hardly taken three before when he heard his watch shatter.

The third tourist, Harry, threw his watch and by the time he had taken two steps, the watch hit the ground.

The fourth tourist, Santa Singh, threw his watch off the tower, went down the stairs, bought a cup of coffee from a shop down the street and walked slowly back to Big Ben in time to catch the watch.

"How on earth did you do that?" asked all his friends.

"Simple", Santa Singh replied, "My watch is slow by 30 minutes."

Pit Bull and Pathologist

Q: What is the difference between a Pit Bull and a Pathologist?

A: A Pit bull lets go when you're dead!

Funny jokes-Bon appétit!

Mr. Singh from India who was touring the United States, decided to take a cruise. He found himself seated in front of a Frenchman in the ship's dining room. Mr. Singh could speak neither French nor English, and the French guy had no knowledge of Hindi or Punjabi languages.

The Frenchman bowed and said, "Bon appétit!"

Mr. Singh was confused, but he bowed back and replied "Singh."

For the next couple of days, the same routine followed at every meal.

One day, a fellow passenger took Mr. Singh aside and said to him, "Listen, the Frenchman is not telling you his name. When he says 'Bon appétit!', it simply means 'Good Appetite'."

During the next meal, a confident Mr. Singh, bowed to the Frenchman and said, "Bon appétit!".

And the Frenchman, smiling back, replied: "Singh!"

Good jokes-Farmer in city

Joey, a farmer from the country, went to the big bad city to see the sights.

He inquired with the hotel's clerk about the time of meals.

"Breakfast is served from 7 to 10, lunch from 12 to 3, and dinner from 6 to 8," explained the clerk.

"Look here," inquired Joey in surprise, "When will I get time to explore the city?"

Funny light bulb jokes-Students

How many students does it take to change a light bulb?

None. Light bulb changing is not in the course notes.

"Will it fetch any bonus marks?"

Really funny jokes-Victim of imagination

Michael was a victim of his imagination and suffered from diseases that did not exist. One day, he staggered into the house bent forward, looking for a chair, and still curled into a half-moon shape, dropped into it.

While struggling to breathe, he said "Jane, it has hit me at last. It came without a warning. All of a sudden I found I could not straighten up. I can't even raise my head."

When the doctor came to see Michael, his wife asked the doctor, "Will he survive?"

"Well" the doctor said, "it certainly would be a great help if he will unhitch the second buttonhole of his vest from the top button of his trousers."

Hilarious jokes-Recognize

In a courtroom, a defendant was asked to stand in the dock. As soon as he took his position, he said directly to the judge, "I don't recognize this court!"

"And why is that?" asked the Judge.

The defendant replied, "Well, you seem to have decorated it since the last time I visited."

Really funny jokes-Eternal suffering

Jerry dies in a car accident and goes straight to hell to suffer eternally at the hands of the devil. As he passes deadly pits and screaming sinners, he saw a man getting cozy with a beautiful lady. He recognized the man - he was a cunning lawyer who had died a couple of years ago.

"This is not fair!" Jerry exclaims. "I have to roast for all eternity, and that lawyer is having fun with a beautiful woman."

"Be quiet!" barked the devil, jabbing him with his pitchfork. "Who are you to question that woman's punishment?"

Animal jokes-Bull dash

Q. What made the Bull dash?

A. It happened to see the cow slip!

One line jokes-Old ladies

A waiter goes to a corner table where three old ladies were having their dinner and asks, "Is ANYTHING okay?"

Hindi jokes-Hyderabadi lingo

A mother in Hyderabad, India was talking to her son in typical Hyderabadi Hindi.

Mother: Tu kaiku rora? (Why are you crying?)

Son: Teacher maari merku. (The teacher hit me)

Mother: Kaiku maari re chudail ne? (Why did she hit you?)

Son: Kyonki mai usku murgi bola. (Because I called her a Hen)

Mom: Kaiku re?? (Why?)

Son: Kaiku bole toh, har exam mein anda deri merku. (Because she gave me a round egg in all the exams)

Twenty inflexible rules in the office

Twenty inflexible Rules in the office

1. Never challenge the boss. He is always right.

2. If the Boss is mistaken, see rule # 1.

3. Those who work hard always get more work. Others enjoy pay, perks, and promotions.

4. Ph.D. denotes "Pull Him Down". The more capable, hardworking and dedicated you are, the more number of people will be involved in pulling you down.

5. If you are good, you will get a lot of work. If you are very good, you will get out of it.

6. When the Boss talks about improving productivity, he never includes his own self.

7. What you do in not important, what matters is what you say you have done and what you will be doing.

8. A pat on the back is only inches away from a kick in the behind.

9. Don't be indispensable. If you cannot be dispensed with, you cannot be promoted.

10. The more crap you take, the more you are going to get.

11. If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

12. When you don't know what is to be done, walk fast and look concerned.

13. You cannot get work done by following rules.

14. If it weren't for the last minute, nothing would ever get done.

15. A lot can be filed under "Miscellaneous".

16. No matter how much you do, it is never enough.

17. You can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work you are meant to be doing.

18. It is not essential to know your job in order to get promoted.

19. You only need to pretend that you know your job to get promoted.

20. All the blame for any situation can be put on the last person who resigned or was fired.

Hilarious jokes-The Optometrist's training

An optometrist was giving training to his new employee, explaining to her how to charge different customers.

At the time you are fitting the glasses, if the customer asks you how much they cost, tell him
- "$100".

If his eyes don't quiver tell him
- "For the frames. The lenses will be $25"

If his eyes still don't quiver, just add
- "Each"

Really funny jokes-Statistically speaking

Pete, a statistics student, while driving his car, had a habit of accelerating hard before arriving at any traffic junction, zoom past it, then slow down again once he had passed it.

One day, he gave a lift to an acquaintance, who was panic-stricken by Pete's manner of driving, and asked him what made him hurry over the junctions.

Pete replied, "If you look at it statistically, you are far more prone to have an accident at a junction, so I ensure that I spend the least time there."

Hilarious jokes-Razorback hogs

President Obama was back in Washington DC after a tour and as he got down from the helicopter in front of the White House, his staff noticed he was carrying 2 baby piglets, one under each arm.

The alert security guard salutes and says, "Nice pigs, Sir."

Obama replies, "You are mistaking them for pigs. These are genuine Razorback hogs. I got one for Secretary of State Hillary Clinton and the other for Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi."

The security guard salutes, and comments: "Brilliant trade, sir."

Teacher jokes-Classroom

A geography teacher entered the class and the children greeted in chorus: “Good morning, sir.”

The Teacher greeted them back saying, “Good morning, students. Now where were we yesterday?”

A back-bencher promptly answered, “Right here in this classroom, sir.”

Hilarious jokes-Lab experiment

On entering a lab, if you see an experiment, how will you determine which class it pertains to?

The answer is simple:

If it is green and wiggles, it has to be Biology.

If it stinks, it has to be Chemistry.

If it doesn't work, then you know it's Physics.

Really funny jokes-Wife or mistress?

There were three friends - a lawyer, a doctor and a manager. The three of them were talking about the merits of having a wife vs. the merits of having a mistress.

The lawyer says, "It is more convenient to have a mistress. If you have a wife and want a divorce, there are all sorts of legal issues."

The doctor remarks: "It is certainly better to have a wife as it gives you a sense of security which in turn lowers your stress and helps you lead a healthy life."

The manager differs by saying: "I don't agree with both of you. I think it's best to have both. So when the wife thinks you're with the mistress and the mistress believes you are with your wife - you can go to the office and finish some work."

Short funny jokes-Robots

In about 50 years, Robots will be doing most of the work which human do not like to do; especially illegal robots from Mexico.

Hilarious jokes-Air traffic controllers

What do air traffic controllers and pilots have in common?

If a pilot does a goof-up, the pilot dies.
If Air Traffic Control does a goof-up, the pilot dies.

New Federal Aviation Administration motto:
'We're not happy till you're not happy.'

Aviation jokes-Basic Flying Rules

Basic Flying Rules:

1. Try to stay in the middle of the air.

2. Do not go near the edges of it.

3. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly in the edges.

Light bulb jokes-Nurses

How many nurses does it take to change a light bulb?
None, as they simply have a nursing assistant to do it.
As many as the doctor orders.

How many triage nurses does it take to change a light bulb?
One, but the bulb will have to spend five hours in the waiting room.

Short funny jokes-Two sticks

Can you imagine a guy so dumb that his teacher gave him two sticks and he became a drummer, but lost one and became a conductor.

Funny jokes-Harley and dog

Do you know the difference between a Harley Davidson and a dog?

The dog can get in the back of the pickup truck by itself.

Just a smile

An income tax officer entered Andrew's office one morning and asked for his account books. Andrew was hesitant and upset as he was not sure of his accounts. The Income tax officer, an old hand at this game, guessed what was going on in Andrew’s mind and tried to sooth him: “Mr. Andrew, you are living in a great democratic country and doing good business without any trouble. In return, your country expects you to pay your taxes with a smile, is it too much?”

Andrew (relieved): “With a smile? Thank god for small mercies, I thought it will have to be cash.”

Clean jokes-Fifty thousand dollars for a Dog

An economist had finished his day at work and was leaving for home, when he noticed a small boy call out to him from the footpath where he was sitting with a dog. The boy said, "Sir, would you like to buy a dog."

The economist was surprised by the approach, but asked nevertheless, "How much are you selling the dog for?"

The boy replied "Twenty thousand dollars."

"Twenty thousand dollars for this dog!" the economist exclaimed. "Does he know any special tricks to make him worth so much money?"

The boy replied, "Sir, this dog never made a dime in his life. If you take into consideration the expenses on his food, I think you will lose money on him every year."

The economist did not want to let go the opportunity to lecture the boy about the principles of economics and explained to him the fact that a commodity needed to yield more returns than it consumed to equal a purchase price. He finished by saying that the five dollars could be the maximum sum that should be expected for the dog, that too from somebody who just wanted a companion. Feeling satisfied with the knowledge that he had imparted to the young boy, the economist went away.

A few days later, the economist again noticed the small boy was again sitting on the footpath but this time there was no dog in sight. He asked the boy, "Did you get the five dollars for your dog?"

The boy said, "No, I got twenty thousand dollars for him."

The business man was stunned. "How on earth did you get twenty thousand dollars for that dog?" he asked.

"It was a piece of cake," replied the boy. "I traded him for two ten thousand dollar cats."

Really funny jokes-If you can understand it

Do you know Psychology is actually Biology.

Do you know Biology is actually Chemistry.

Do you know Chemistry is actually Physics.

Do you know Physics is actually Math.

If you understand it and able to prove it, then publish it in a periodical/magazine of Mathematics.

If you understand it, but unable to prove it, then publish in a periodical/magazine of Physics.

If you cannot understand it, but are able to prove it, then publish it in a periodical/magazine of Economics.

If you can neither understand it nor are able to prove it, then publish it in a periodical/magazine of Psychology.

SMS jokes-Facebook

Q. Why is Facebook so successful?

A. The secret of it's success - it works on the theory that people find other people's lives more interesting than their own.

Harley Davidson billboards

Any guesses why are there so many Harley Davidson billboards on the highway?

It is to help the riders know how far it is to the next repair garage.

Funny jokes-A definition of age

Age defined perfectly :

Youth is when you smoke, drink, and are naughty all through the night, and the next morning you still look like you haven't been doing any of that.

Middle age is when you smoke, drink, and are naughty all through the night, and on the next morning, you look like you have been smoking, drinking and have been naughty all through the night.

Old age is when at night you neither smoke nor drink, nor are naughty, yet on the next morning you look like you have been smoking, drinking and have been naughty all through the night.

Really funny jokes-Osama's death

Before he was killed, Osama Bin Laden was known to believe in astrology and went to an astrologer to ask him when he will die.

The astrologer told him that he will die on an American holiday.

Osama asked him, "How can you be so sure of that?"

"Well, any day you die will most certainly be an American holiday".