Adult jokes | Addiction

A man goes to his doctor, seeking help for his terrible addiction to cigars. The doctor was quite familiar with his very compulsive patient, so recommended an unusual and quite drastic form of aversion therapy. "When you go to bed tonight, take one of your cigars, unwrap it, and stick it completely up your butt. Then remove it, re wrap it, and place it back with all the others, in such a fashion as you can`t tell which one it is. The aversion is obvious, you won`t dare smoke any of them, not knowing which is the treated cigar." "Thanks doc, I`ll try it." And he did. But three weeks later he came back and saw the doctor again. "What? My recommendation didn`t work? It was supposed to be effective even in the most addictive of cases, such as yours is!" answered the doctor. "Well, it kind of worked, doc. At least I was able to transfer my addiction," replied the patient. "What is that supposed to mean?" demanded the doctor. "Well, I don`t smoke cigars anymore, but now I can`t go to sleep at night unless I have a cigar shoved up my butt."

Funny jokes-Laloo in train

Laloo, Rabri and his son were returning from south by train.

Laloo was occupying the lower berth, Rabri the middle berth and his son the top most berth in the train compartment.

The train stopped at one of the stations on the way back and the son asked Laloo to bring him a Cadburys chocolate. When Laloo and his son returned they found that a South Indian who couldn't understand Hindi had occupied his son's berth.

Upset and angry, Laloo called the Ticket checker & asked him to help.

The Ticket checker said that he could not understand Hindi or Bihari so it would be nice if Laloo explained the whole situation to him in English.

So Laloo explained, 'That man sleeping on top of my wife is not giving birth to my child.' !!!!!

Clean jokes-Lot's tale

A father was reading Bible stories to his young son. He read, 'The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his wife looked back and was turned to salt.'

His son asked, 'What happened to the flea?'

Adult jokes - The Woodsman

Walking through the woods a man comes up to another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree. Seeing this he inquires, "Just out of curiosity, what the hell are you doing?" "I'm listening to the music of the tree." "You gotta be kiddin' me." "No ,would you like to give it a try?" "Well, OK..."So he wraps his arms around the tree and presses his ear up against the tree. With this the other guy slaps a set of hand cuffs on him, takes his wallet, jewelry, car keys, then strips him ass naked and leaves. Two hours later another nature lover strolls by, sees this guy handcuffed to the tree, stark ass naked, and asked, "What the hell happened to you?" He tells the guy the whole story about how he got there. While he was telling his story, the other guy shakes his head in sympathy, walks around behind him, kisses him behind the ear and says... "Ya know sweetheart, this just ain't your day

Practical jokes-And the Bad News is

Dear Mom and Dad:

It has been six months since I left for college. I'm sorry I haven't written more often and I'm very sorry for my

thoughtlessness. I'm sure you have been worried about me.

Let me bring you up to date, but before you read on, please sit down Ok? Don't read any further unless you're sitting down.

Ok? Good.

I am getting along pretty well now. The skull fracture and the
concussion I got from jumping out of the window of my dormitory when it caught on fire several months ago, are pretty much

healed now. I only spent two weeks in the hospital! Mom always said the girls in our family heal fast.

In fact, I can almost see normally again and I only get headaches three times a day now. Fortunately, the fire in the

dormitory and my jump were witnessed by a gas station attendant who immediately called 911. He's so sweet. He even visited me

in the hospital, and since I had nowhere to live because of the burnt-out dorm, he was kind enough to invite me to share his

apartment with him. It's really a basement room, but it's kind of cute.

He really is a good person with a kind heart. We have fallen deeply in love and are planning to get married. We haven't set

the exact date yet, but I'm sure that it will be before I start to show. That's right, Mom and Dad, I'm pregnant! I know how

much you are looking forward to being grandparents, and I know that you will give that baby the same love, devotion and

tender care you gave me when I was growing up.

We would get married now, but we both failed our premarital blood tests because of some minor infection. He told me about it

beforehand, but dumb me, I carelessly caught it anyway. Not to worry though, the doctor said my daily penicillin injections

should clear it up by next month.

I know you will welcome him into our family with open arms. He is kind, and although not well educated, he is ambitious --

just like Dad!

Also, he is of a different race and religion than ours, but I know, after all your years of teaching me tolerance, that you

won't mind the fact that he is somewhat darker than we are. I'm sure you will love him as I do. His family background is good

too! I am told that his father is an important gun bearer in his native village. That's an important government position

where he comes from. Well, I guess that's all! Now you know why I wanted you to sit down when you read this letter.

Now that I've brought you up to date, I just wanted to let you know there was no dormitory fire, I didn't suffer a concussion

or a skull fracture, I wasn't in the hospital, I'm not pregnant, I'm not engaged, I don't have syphilis and there is no

boyfriend of another race or religion in my life; however, I DID vote for Gov. Bush, and I just wanted you both to see this

in its proper perspective.

Your loving daughter,

-Chelsea

P.S. Stanford is great... I love it, though I miss you both
terribly...and Socks, too!

P.P.S. Dad, please give my best to Monica and the others.

Really funny jokes-Paul, the Octopus

Top US investment bank Goldman Sachs is said to be bidding US$4m for the oracle octopus Paul to head its proprietary trading.

Goldman will convert part of its trading floor into a fish tank for Paul and put boxes of different markets, stocks, indices, equities and bonds for Paul to choose from. Hopefully this will translate into a more profitable prop business for them.

Paul will also work closely with Head of Global Strategy and advise him on asset allocation strategy.

Also heard from a reliable source this morning that Merrill Lynch is bidding for Paul to replace their entire research team.

It will be interesting to see where Paul ends up.

Military jokes-Irish Army Camouflage Manual

An Excerpt taken from the "Irish Army Camouflage Manual"

1. When the soldier is moving through woodland, he's supposed to break off branches and put them on his helmet.

2. When he is moving through cornfields, he's to break off some cornstalks and put them on his helmet.

3. When the soldier is moving through a cabbage field he's supposed to take off his helmet for the best camouflage.

SMS jokes-Perfect day

A perfect summer day is when the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing, the birds are singing, and the lawn mower is broken.

God and St. Francis Discussing Lawns

GOD: St. Francis, you know all about gardens and nature. What in the world is going on down there in the USA? What happened to the dandelions, violets, thistle and stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect, no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honeybees and flocks of songbirds.

I expected to see a vast garden of colors by now. But all I see are these green rectangles.

ST. FRANCIS: It's the tribes that settled there, Lord. The Suburbanites. They started calling your flowers weeds and went to great lengths to kill them and replace them with grass.

GOD: Grass? But it's so boring. It's not colorful. It doesn't attract butterflies, birds and bees, only grubs and sod worms. It's temperamental with temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass growing there?

ST. FRANCIS: Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it green. They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any other plant that crops up in the lawn.

GOD: The spring rains and warm weather probably make grass grow really fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy.

ST. FRANCIS: Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they cut it, sometimes twice a week.

GOD: They cut it? Do they then bale it like hay?

ST. FRANCIS: Not exactly Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags.

GOD: They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?

ST. FRANCIS: No, sir -- just the opposite. They pay to throw it away.

GOD: Now, let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will grow. And when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?

ST. FRANCIS: Yes, sir.

GOD: These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work.

ST. FRANCIS: You aren't going to believe this, Lord. When the grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.

GOD: What nonsense. At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer stoke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes. Plus, as they rot, the leaves form compost to enhance the soil. It's a natural circle of life.

ST. FRANCIS: You'd better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have drawn a new circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and pay to have them hauled away.

GOD: No. What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the winter and to keep the soil moist and loose?

ST. FRANCIS: After throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy something which they call mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in place of the leaves.

GOD: And where do they get this mulch?

ST. FRANCIS: They cut down trees and grind them up to make the mulch.

GOD: Enough! I don't want to think about this anymore. St. Catherine, you're in charge of the arts. What movie have you scheduled for us tonight?

ST. CATHERINE: Dumb and Dumber, Lord. It's a real stupid movie about ...

GOD: Never mind, I think I just heard the whole story from St. Francis

Short adult jokes | Short skirt

Mary: I'm sorry I'm a bit late! My cab driver almost had a wreck getting me here!
Jill: What happened?
Mary: The driver in front of him started to go when the light turned green, but he slammed on the brakes to look at a gal on the sidewalk who was wearing a mini-skirt. My driver almost hit him in the rear!
Jill: My goodness! How short was the skirt?
Mary: Well, she was wearing blue panties!

Short funny jokes-Witchcraft

Long ago, when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks,
it was called witchcraft.. .

Today, it's called golf.

Hilarious jokes-You're gonna love Hell

One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he's wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with a demon...

Demon: Why so glum?

Guy: What do you think? I'm in hell!

Demon: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. Are you a drinking man?

Guy: Sure, I love to drink.

Demon: Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet tab and Fresca... we drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!

Guy: Gee that sounds great!

Demon: You a smoker?

Guy: You know it!

Demon: All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer - no biggie- you're already dead, remember?

Guy: Wow...that's...awesome!

Demon: I bet you like to gamble.

Guy: Why, yes I do.

Demon: Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, Roulette, Poker, Slots, whatever... If you go Bankrupt...well, you're dead anyhow.

Demon: You into drugs?

Guy: Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean?...

Demon: That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want; you're dead who cares! O.D.!!

Guy: WOW !! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!!

Demon: Are You gay?

Guy: No....

Demon: "Ooooh, you're gonna hate Fridays."

Adult jokes | Wax museum

The wax museum just acquired a very good wax figure of ex prez Bill Clinton. They had it arranged to show him in an authoritative stance in front of several staff members set on a stage made up like the oval office. After the figure had been on display for a couple of days, the museum employees were constantly having to go in and rezip Bill's zipper, it kept falling to the 'down' position. They even went so far as to sew it in place, but that too met with some foul play, and the zipper was found ripped loose and in the down position. So, to get to the bottom of this mystery, the museum installed a hidden camera to catch the culprit. They did. And it was more than just one. During the course of one day no less than 18 different women stepped into the exhibit, got down on their knees, unzipped that zipper then placed their head on 'his' trousers and had a friend snap their photo.

Really funny stuff-Five Amusing Shop Signs

1. Outside a dress shop, Hong Kong:
LADIES HAVE FITS UPSTAIRS.

2. Tailor shop, Greece:
ORDER YOUR SUMMERS SUIT. BECAUSE IS BIG RUSH, WE WILL EXECUTE CUSTOMERS IN STRICT ROTATION.

3. On the door of a Moscow hotel room:
IF THIS IS YOUR FIRST VISIT TO THE USSR, YOU ARE WELCOME TO IT.

4. At a Budapest zoo:
PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS.
IF YOU HAVE ANY SUITABLE FOOD, GIVE IT TO THE GUARD ON DUTY.

5. Shipton-under-Wychwood in Oxon, UK has a local plumber whose van announces: '
The Lone Drainer - he come pronto.'

Teacher jokes-Figures of Speech

A fifth grade teacher was questioning her students use of the word "like." She explained that, contrary to their common use of it, "like" was not an adjective but a comparison word. She then challenged them to think up some similes to exemplify the lesson. This done, she moved on to ask about other figures of speech.

"Class, what others can you think of?"

No one in the class could come up with anything, so she prompted them with a couple of her own.
"How about metaphors and personification?" she asked. "Aren't they examples?"

Little Johnny raised his hand, and when called upon said, "I know what a metaphor is, but not personification."

The teacher replied, "What's the word to describe what I'm saying when I point to that old willow tree and say 'He's saluting us with his branches.' Or what if I asked the sun to send us some sunshine? Or if I said 'That field of tall grass is waving at us?' What word best describes what I'm doing when I speak like that?"

Little Johnny thought a moment, then said, "Hallucinating?"

Really funny jokes-Priest and Pastor

A priest and pastor from the local parishes were standing by the side of the road holding up a sign that read, "The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it's too late!"

They planned to hold up the sign to each passing car. As the first driver sped past, he yelled, "Leave us alone...we don't believe in that religious stuff!"

From around the curve they heard screeching tires and a big splash. One clergyman said to the other, "Do you think we should just put up a sign that says, 'Bridge Out' instead?"

Blonde jokes-During the birth

"Will the father be present during the birth?" asked the obstetrician solicitously.
"Nah," replied the blonde mother to be.
"He and my husband don't get along."

Adult jokes | Bananas

Gwen was one of those UGLY women, so ugly it hurts. She never had a boyfriend, so she went to a psychic for help. Honey, said the psychic, you will not have luck in love in this life. But after death, you will be a much desired woman and all men will fall at your feet. Gwen left very happy and excited. As she walked over a bridge, she thought: "The sooner I die, the sooner my next life begins.” She decided to jump off the bridge right away. But incredibly Gwen didn't die! She fell on the back of a truck full of bananas; she lost her senses and fainted. As soon as she recovered, still drowsy and not being able to see very well, and not knowing where she was, she started feeling around. Touching all the bananas, she had a huge smile on her face and said: "GENTLEMEN, PLEASE!… ONE AT A TIME!"

Good jokes-Lawn mowers

Why are husbands like lawn mowers?

They are difficult to get started, and then they don't work half the time.

Lawyer jokes-Born liar

One of the renowned lawyers in Texas had made love to a woman of the night who unfortunately forgot to take her panty from the lawyer's car.

Afterwards he drove home and as usual the wife came out with open arms, hugged him warmly and led him to the house.

The man then remembered, "Honey please rush to the car and get some chicken. Sorry I forgot to bring it with me after the hug."

The lady dashed to the car. What met her eyes? A woman's panty!!!!!!

"Caught this idiot today" she thought. "You thought you could escape this time round!"

She muttered. With all her strength she tore the panty into pieces and rushed back to the husband ready to tear him down.

During all this time' the man had realized his folly and was ready.

He was smart enough.

"Now why do you ruin my life?" the lady asked.

"You! Do you realize what you have just done!?" the husband stammered outrageously "That's the case worth ten million dollars I told you about yesterday and the panty was the rape evidence. What am I going to present before court tomorrow? Why do you rush
into action without consulting me first? You must produce that item!"

Unbelievably the wife was so sorry. She even went to look for the torn pieces and brought back to her husband with a promise never to repeat the mistake.

She wouldn't imagine her husband losing 10 million.

Really who should have apologized?

Really funny jokes-Don't be upset, Cindy

Cedric watched as a woman at his supermarket shopped with a three-year-old girl riding in the child's seat. As they approached the sweet section the little girl asked for some liquorice sticks and her mother told her, "No". The little girl immediately began to whine and fuss. The mother said softly, "Now Cindy, our shopping is going well, Don't be upset………we’ll soon be out of here."

Presently, they came to the aisle where the ice cream was on offer and the little girl began to ask for an ice lolly. When told she couldn't have one she began to cry. The mother said gently, "There, there, Cindy, don't cry. Only two more aisles to go and then we'll be at the check out".

When they got to the conveyor belt the little girl immediately began to demand sweets next to the checkout. Finally she threw a tantrum when her mother would not let her have any sweets. The mother, calmed her saying, "Cindy, we'll be through this queue in two minutes and then we can go home and have a glass of squash and a nap."

Cedric followed them out to the car park and stopped the woman to compliment her on her child management.
"I couldn't help admiring how patient you were with little Cindy," Cedric said.

The mother turned and replied, "Oh, no, I'm Cindy. My little girl's name is Dorothy.

Short funny jokes-Chicken playing

What do you call a bunch of chickens playing hide-and-seek?

Fowl play!

Hilarious jokes-A River

In Washington State, a little north of Seattle, is a river called the Stillaguamish, but it wasn't always called that. It was originally named "Aguamish" after a local Indian tribe.

When Lewis & Clark finally made their way to the west coast they came to the Aguamish tribe and met the chief who told them what the name of the river was and gave them a tour of the area.

Years later Merriweather Lewis returned and met the Aguamish chief again and the subject finally came around to the river:

"Chief, I've been told that, because of so many white men have arrived in the area, many of the rivers are being renamed because they couldn't pronounce the names. Tell me, what is the name of your river now, please, " Lewis pleaded.

"Oh," replied the chief. "It's Stillaguamish. "

Funny Lawyer joke-Vampire

What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?

A vampire only sucks blood at night.

Office jokes-How to Translate Academic Jargon

When you next read an academic paper, make sure you have this handy guide by your side.

"IT HAS LONG BEEN KNOWN"...
I didn't look up the original reference.

"A DEFINITE TREND IS EVIDENT"...
These data are practically meaningless.

"WHILE IT HAS NOT BEEN POSSIBLE TO PROVIDE DEFINITE ANSWERS TO THE QUESTIONS"...
An unsuccessful experiment but I still hope to get it published.

"THREE OF THE SAMPLES WERE CHOSEN FOR DETAILED STUDY"...
The other results didn't make any sense.

"TYPICAL RESULTS ARE SHOWN"...
This is the prettiest graph.

"THESE RESULTS WILL BE IN A SUBSEQUENT REPORT"...
I might get around to this sometime, if pushed/funded.

"IN MY EXPERIENCE"...
Once.

"IN CASE AFTER CASE"...
Twice.

"IN A SERIES OF CASES"...
Thrice.

"IT IS BELIEVED THAT"...
I think.

"IT IS GENERALLY BELIEVED THAT"...
A couple of others think so, too.

"CORRECT WITHIN AN ORDER OF MAGNITUDE" ...
Wrong. Wrong. Wrong.

"ACCORDING TO STATISTICAL ANALYSIS"...
Rumour has it.

"A STATISTICALLY-ORIENTED PROJECTION OF THE SIGNIFICANCE
OF THESE FINDINGS"...
A really wild guess.

"A CAREFUL ANALYSIS OF OBTAINABLE DATA"...
Three pages of notes were obliterated when I knocked over a beer glass.

"IT IS CLEAR THAT MUCH ADDITIONAL WORK WILL BE REQUIRED BEFORE A COMPLETE UNDERSTANDING OF THIS PHENOMENON OCCURS"...
I don't understand it....and I never will.

"AFTER ADDITIONAL STUDY BY MY COLLEAGUES"...
They don't understand it either.

"A HIGHLY SIGNIFICANT AREA FOR EXPLORATORY STUDY"...
A totally useless topic selected by my committee.

"IT IS HOPED THAT THIS STUDY WILL STIMULATE FURTHER INVESTIGATION IN THIS FIELD"...
I am pleased to feed you this rubbish.

Postscript:
These special phrases are also applicable to anyone reading an academic paper.

Really funny jokes-The replacement

Morris, the Governor's most trusted assistant, died in his sleep one night. The Governor had depended on Morris for advice on every subject, from pending bills to wardrobe decisions. In addition, Morris had been his closest friend.

So, it was understandable that the Governor didn't take kindly to the droves of ambitious office seekers who wanted Morris' job. "They don't even have the decency to wait until the man is buried," the Governor muttered.

At the funeral, one eager beaver made his way to the Governor's side. "Governor," the man said, "is there a chance that I could take Morris' place?"

"Certainly," the governor replied. "But you'd better hurry. I think the undertaker is almost finished."

Clean jokes-Drive on

A group of pensioners were discussing their medical problems at the Day Centre coffee morning.

'Do you realise,' said one, 'My arm is so weak I can hardly hold this coffee cup.'

'Yes, I know.' replied the second, 'My cataracts are so bad I can't see to pour the coffee.'

'I can't turn my head,' rejoined the third, 'because of the arthritis in my neck.'

'My blood pressure pills make my dizzy,' commented the fourth, adding, 'I guess that's the price we pay for getting old.'

'Well, it's not all bad.' piped up the first, 'We should be thankful that we can still drive.'

Good jokes-The Lie detector

Police in Norfolk, Virginia, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine.

The message ' He's lying' was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the 'lie detector' was working, the suspect confessed.

Funny Limericks-Scrambled eggs

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the kings' horses,
And all the kings' men.
Had scrambled eggs,
For breakfast again.

Really funny jokes-Christmas presents

Three men die in a car accident Christmas Eve. They all find themselves at the pearly gates waiting to enter Heaven. On entering they must present something relating or associated with Christmas.

The first man searches his pocket, and finds some Mistletoe, so he is allowed in.

The second man presents a cracker, so he is also allowed in.

The third man pulls out a pair of stockings.

Confused at this last gesture, St. Peter asks, "How do these represent Christmas?"

"They're Carol's."

Hilarious jokes-Bombarded by requests

On a visit to New York, Harpo Marx was bombarded by requests from various charities to appear at their benefits. After one particularly persistent woman had called him a dozen times in two days, Harpo reluctantly agreed to appear for her cause.

Thus appeased, she offered to personally escort him to the venue. As they were leaving Harpo's hotel room, the telephone began to ring.

"Don't you want to go back and answer it?" she asked. "Why bother?"

Harpo replied wearily. "It's undoubtedly you again.

Short funny jokes-Banker

Why didn't the banker have many friends?
Because he was a loaner.

Adult jokes | Woodpecker

A Mexican woodpecker and a Canadian woodpecker were in Mexico arguing about which place had the toughest trees. The Mexican woodpecker claimed Mexico had a tree that no woodpecker could peck. The Canadian woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. The Mexican woodpecker was amazed.The Canadian woodpecker then challenged the Mexican woodpecker to peck a tree in Canada that was absolutely 'I'm-peckable' (a term woodpeckers like to use). The Mexican woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge. The two flew to Canada where the Mexican woodpecker successfully pecked the so-called 'I'm-peckable' tree almost without breaking a sweat. Both woodpeckers were now terribly confused. How is it that the Canadian woodpecker was able to peck the Mexican tree, and the Mexican woodpecker was able to peck the Canadian tree, yet neither was able to peck the tree in their own country?After much woodpecker pondering, they both came to the same conclusion: Apparently, your pecker gets harder when you're away from home.

Funny blonde jokes-Pronunciation

A couple of blondes were driving through Louisiana when they came to a sign that told them they were almost to Natchitoches. They argued all the way there about how to pronounce the name of the town. Finally they stopped for lunch. After getting their food, one of the blondes said to the cashier, "Can you settle an argument for us? Very slowly, tell us where we are."

The cashier leaned over the counter and said:

"Buuurrrrrr-Gerrrrrr Kiiiinnnnnggg"

Adult jokes | Brothel Arrest

A young woman was a prostitute and, for obvious reasons, didn’t want her grandmother to know. One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young woman. The police had the all the prostitutes line up in a straight line on the sidewalk, just as grandma was passing by. As soon as she noticed her granddaughter, she stopped and asked her what she was lining up for. Not wanting her grandmother to know the truth, the granddaughter told grandma that someone was passing out free oranges and she was lining up for some. “That sounds good. I think I’ll have some too,” Grandma said, as she made her way to the back of the line. A policeman went down the line, questioning all the prostitutes, until he reached grandma. Looking very bewildered, he said to her, “You’re so old, how do you do it?”“It’s easy,” replied Grandma. “I just remove my dentures and suck them dry!”

Really funny jokes-Seenus

Three men were sitting on a bench in heaven discussing how they died.

The first man said "I died of cancer."

The second man said, "I died of tuberculosis" .

The third man said "I died of seenus".

The first two men said, "No, you mean sinus."

The third man said "No, I mean seenus. I was out with my best friend's wife and he seen us!"

Good jokes-Cheap perfume

After being away on business, Tim thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift. “How about some perfume?” he asked the cosmetics clerk. She showed him a $50.00 bottle.

“That’s a bit much,” said Tim, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.00. “That’s still quite a bit,” Tim complained.

Growing annoyed, the clerk brought out a tiny $15.00 bottle. “What I mean,” said Tim, “is I’d like to see something really cheap.”

The clerk handed him a mirror.

Short funny jokes-California raisins

Q. Did you hear the sad news that all of the California raisins are dead?

A. All the police know so far is that it is a cereal killer...

Hilarious jokes-Father O'Malley

Father O'Malley was driving down to Boston when got stopped for speeding in Medford. The highway patrol officer smelled alcohol on the priest's breath and then saw an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He said, 'Father, have you been drinking?'

'Only water', replied Father O'Malley.

The policeman asked, 'Then how come I can smell wine?'

The priest looked at the bottle and said, 'Good Lord! He's done it again.'

Adult jokes | Castrated

"Doc," says Arthur, "I want to be castrated."
"What on earth for?" asks the doctor in amazement?
"It's something I've been thinking about for a long time and I want to have it done," replies Arthur.
"But have you thought it through properly?" asks the doctor.
"It's a very serious operation and once it's done, there's no going back. It will change your life forever!"
"I'm aware of that and you're not going to change my mind - either you book me in to be castrated or I'll simply go to another doctor."
"Well, O.K.," says the doctor. "But it's against my better judgment!"
So Arthur has his operation, and the next day he is up and walking very slowly, legs apart, down the hospital corridor with his drip stand. Heading toward him is another patient, who is walking exactly the same way.
"Hi there," says Arthur, "It looks as if you've just had the same operation as me."
"Well," said the patient, "I finally decided after 37 years of life that I would like to be circumcised. "
Arthur stared at him in horror. "Damn! THAT'S the word!!!"

Funny jokes-Good traits

The old man had died. A wonderful funeral was in progress and the country preacher talked at length of the good traits of the deceased, what an honest man he was, and what a loving husband and kind father he was.

Finally, the widow leaned over and whispered to one of her children, "Go up there and take a look in the coffin and see if that's your pa."

Clean jokes-Family Feet Business

I heard once of story of a family firm who cornered the feet market. One brother sold shoes, each shoe had a hidden fatal flaw. As a direct result the victim's feet needed treatment with the second brother, who was the only Chiropodist in town.

Legend had it that the chiropodist was so incompetent that the only way the victim could get home was in a taxi. You're ahead of me now, the third brother had the only taxi firm for miles around.

Adult jokes | $600 rebate!

Dr. Marc Faber concluded his monthly bulletin (June 2010) with the following: ''The federal government is sending each of us a $600 rebate. If we spend that money at Wal-Mart, the money goes to China. If we spend it on gasoline it goes to the Arabs. If we buy a computer it will go to India. If we purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Mexico, Honduras and Guatemala. If we purchase a good car it will go to Germany. If we purchase useless crap it will go to Taiwan and none of it will help the American economy. The only way to keep that money here at home is to spend it on prostitutes and beer, since these are the only products still produced in US. I've been doing my part.''

Kids jokes-Wrong feet

Greg, the three year old, put his shoes on by himself. His father, Barry, noticed that the left shoe was on the right foot and vice-versa. He sat Greg down on a chair and said quietly, 'Greg, your shoes are on the wrong feet.'

He looked up at his father with a quizzical expression and replied, 'Don't mess me about, Dad, I know they're my feet.'

Good jokes-You Know You're Getting Older (Part 4)

- You light the candles on your birthday cake, and a group of campers form a circle and start singing "Kumbaya."
- Someone compliments you on your layered look.... and you're wearing a bikini.
- You start video taping daytime game shows.
- You wonder why you waited so long to take up macramé.
- At cafeterias, you complain that the gelatin is too tough.
- Your new easy chair has more options than your car.
- Conversations with people your own age often turn into "dueling ailments."
- It takes a couple of tries to get over a speed bump.

Office jokes-Unintentional yet funny

Unintentional yet funny gaffs from real job application forms

1. "I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant."

2. "Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far."

3. "As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments."

4. "Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store."

5. "Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have never quit a job."

6. "Marital status: often. Children: various."

7. "Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 am every morning. I couldn't work under those conditions."

8. "The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers.

9. "Finished eighth in my class of ten."

10. "References: none. I've left a path of destruction behind me."

One liner jokes - Automobile ad

Automobile Service advertisement as appeared in news paper.

Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once; you’ll never go anywhere again.

Hilarious jokes-Only one not to answer

Mother: "Why are you home from school so early?"

Son: "I was the only one who could answer a question."

Mother: "Oh, really? What was the question?"

Son: "Who threw the blackboard duster at the teacher?”

Really funny stuff-A Good Pun Is Its Own Reword

A Good Pun Is Its Own Reword

* Energizer Bunny arrested - charged with battery.

* A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.

* Practice safe eating - always use condiments.

* A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.

* Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

* I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

* Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.

* Corduroy pillows are making headlines.

* Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?

* Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

* Banning the bra was a big flop.

* Sea captains don't like crew cuts.

* Alarms: What an octopus is.

* Dockyard: A physician's garden.

* Incongruous: Where bills are passed.

* Khakis: What you need to start the car in Boston.

* Oboe: An English tramp.

* Pasteurize: Too far to see.

* Propaganda: A gentlemanly goose.

* Toboggan: Why we go to an auction.

Really funny jokes-When it's okay to fart in public

When It's Okay To Fart In Public

~^~ In your boss' office as you are turning to leave. Tip- Make sure it's a silent one.

~^~ In a bathroom.

~^~ In a cashier's line - it might help to speed up things.

~^~ In an empty elevator before you get off.

~^~ Next to an occupied changing room - it may quickly become unoccupied.

~^~ In someone else's unoccupied cubicle at work.

~^~ While parachuting.

~^~ While scuba diving.

~^~ In the back seat of a patrol car if you are arrested.

~^~ During interrogation if you're the one being interrogated.

~^~ In your car if you've been carjacked.

~^~ In the changing room when you're sure someone else is waiting his/her turn.

~^~ In your car once you've been pulled over… the cop may let you go quicker.

~^~ During a pie eating competition to distract your competitors.

~^~ While walking down a crowded hallway. Nobody will know whom to