Teacher jokes-Believe

A wise school teacher sends this note to all parents on the first day of school:
"If you promise not to believe everything your child says happens at school, I'll promise not to believe everything he says happens at home.

Really funny jokes-Barbie

A man was driving home one evening and realized that it was his daughter's birthday and he hadn't bought her a present.
He drove to the mall and ran to the toy store and he asked the store manager, "How much is that new Barbie in the window?"
The Manager replied, "Which one? We have
'Barbie goes to the gym' for $19.95,
'Barbie goes to the Ball' for $19.95,
'Barbie goes shopping' for $19.95,
'Barbie goes to the beach' for $19.95,
'Barbie goes to the Nightclub' for $19.95 and
'Divorced Barbie' for $375.00"
"Why is the Divorced Barbie $375.00 when all the others are $19.95?, the father asked.
The store manager replied: "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's car, Ken's house, Ken's boat, Ken's dog, Ken's cat, Ken's furniture and all of Ken's savings."

Clean jokes-Sleeping Pills

Howard dragged himself into his doctor's office looking very exhausted.
"Doctor Kaine," he said, "there are dogs all over my neighborhood. They bark all day and all night, and I can't get a wink of sleep!"
"I have good news for you, Howard," Doctor Kaine said, rummaging through a drawer full of sample medications. "Here are some new sleeping pills that work like a dream. A few of these and your trouble will be over."
"Great," said Howard, "I'll try anything. Let's give it a shot."
Dr. Kaine gave him the pills. Howard thanked him and left.
Two weeks later, Howard came back to Dr. Kaine's office looking worse than ever.
"Doc, your plan is no good. I'm more tired than before!" Howard exclaimed.
"I don't understand how that could be," said Dr. Kaine, shaking his head. "Those are the strongest pills on the market!"
"That may be true," answered Howard wearily, "but I'm still up all night chasing those dogs and when I finally catch one it's hard to make them swallow the pills."

Blonde jokes-Skydiver

Q: Did you hear about the blond skydiver?
A: She missed the Earth!

Really funny jokes-Three Tasks

A man walks into a hotel bar, claims a table and walks up to the bartender to order a beer. He notices a jar of money behind the counter. He asks the bartender what the jar is all about.
"We have a little contest going on here," the bartender replies. "Want to play?"
"OK, how?" asks the man.
The bartender explains, "Well, first you put some money in the jar and then you have to complete three tasks. You finish all three and the money in the jar is yours."
"What are the three tasks?" the man asks.
"Well," replies the bartender holding up a little bottle, "First you have to drink this bottle of hot sauce. It's from Africa, and it's hotter than anything you've ever tasted."
"OK," replies the man.
The bartender continues, "Then there's a dog out back. Mean, nasty old thing. She has a bad tooth, and it's causing her a lot of pain. You have to pull it out."
The man thinks for a moment.
"Finally," the bartender says, "there's an old woman in the back of the bar. See her?" He points to a large woman sitting in the corner who is smiling and waving. "She hasn't been with a man in over 30 years. You have to sleep with her."
"Let me think about it," the man says. He goes back to his table and finishes his beer. Then he has a few more. Then a few more. Eventually, he gets up the courage to do the three tasks. He staggers back to the bartender, shoves a bill into the jar and and exclaims, "I'll do it! Let me see that sauce!"
The bartender hands him the sauce. He swills it down, howls loudly and runs for the drinking fountain.
"OK, the dog?" he says.
"Out back," the bartender says.
The man goes out back. For several minutes, yelping and scratching noises are heard. They eventually die down.
"Alright," the man says loudly as he staggers back into the bar. "Where's that lady who needs her tooth pulled?"

Humor jokes-Noisy Neighbor

Young Jock McTavish from Glasgow went to study at a university in England and was living in the hall of residence. After a week his mother rang him. "How do you get along with the other students, Jock?" she asked.
"Well," he replied, "They are terribly noisy people. The one on one side keeps banging his head on the wall. The one on the other side screams all night."
"Oh Jock!" said his mother. "How do you manage to put up with such noisy neighbours?"
"I don't do anything. I just sit here quietly, playing my bagpipes!"

Sardar jokes-Pin

Q. What do you do when a Sardar throws a pin at you?
A. Run like crazy….he's got a hand grenade in his mouth.

Animal jokes-Talking Dog !

A guy was driving around the back woods of Tennessee and he saw a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog for Sale '
He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the back yard and sees a nice looking Beagle sitting there. 'You talk?' he asks.
'Yep,' the Beagle replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'
The Beagle looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA and they had me sworn into the toughest branch of the armed services...the United States Marines You know one of their nicknames is 'The Devil Dogs.'
In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders; because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running, but the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger. So, I decided to settle down.
I retired from the Corps (8 dog years is 56 Corps years) and signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
'Ten dollars,' the guy says.
'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'
'Because he's such a liar... He never did any of that crap. He was in the Navy!'

Humor jokes-Empty nest

When their children had all left home, the wife read an article that was meant to help couples deal with the empty nest.
She explained some of the ideas to her husband.
He nodded in agreement to all the things she said.
Then she told him the article suggested that they spice up their marriage by going out on dates.
He asked, "With each other?"

Doctor jokes-Memory problem

One patient came in and said, 'Doctor, I have a serious memory problem.'
The doctor asked, 'When did it start?'
The man replied, When did what start?'

Clean jokes-Substitute

A College student, who was on the football team, took his new girlfriend to a home game.
They found their seats in the crowded arena and watched the action.
An announcement was made that a substitute player was being put into the game. He ran out onto the field and took his position.
The student said to his girlfriend, "Take a good look at that player. I expect him to be our best man next year."
His girlfriend smiled and snuggled up to him. "Oh, sweetie!" she said. "That's the strangest way I've ever heard a boy propose to a girl, but regardless of how you said it, I accept!"

Funny joke

 Did you hear about the blonde who:

1)had more on her body than on her mind?
2)was called "Sanka" because she had no active ingredient in the bean?
3)took an hour to cook Minute Rice?
4)got into the taxi, and the driver kept the "Vacant" sign up?

Humor of the day -Why some men have dogs and not wives

1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.
2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.
4. A dog's parents never visit.
5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.
7. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.
8. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, 'If I died, would you get another dog?'
9. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.
10. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.
11. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.

Indian Sardar Jokes - Relax

One Sardar was enjoying Sun on a Beach in America. A lady came and asked him, " Are you relaxing (relax singh)" Sardar answered '" No I am Banta Singh" Another Guy Came and asked the same Question. Sardar answered " No No Me Banta Singh" Third one came and asked the same question Sardar was totally annoyed and decided to shift his place. While walking he saw another Sardar enjoying the Beach. He went and asked him " Are you Relaxing?" The other Sardar was much educated and answered "Yes I am relaxing " Our Sardar slapped him on his face and said, " Salay, Sab tere Ko wahah doond rahe hai aur tu Yahaan Aaram Kar raha hai.(Everybody is searching you there and you are enjoying here.)"

Clean jokes-Accident report

A woman was filling out an accident report. She had dented a parked car while trying to park her own. One question on the report was, "What could the operator of the other vehicle have done to avoid the accident?"
She wrote, "He could have parked it somewhere else."

Blonde jokes-Flight enquiry

A blonde called a travel agent and asked, "How long is a flight from New York to San Francisco?" "Just a minute," said the agent.
The blonde said thank you and hung up.

Really funny jokes-Fit

As the bus pulled away, I realized I had left my purse under the seat. Later, I called the company and was relieved that the driver had found my bag.
When I went to pick it up, several off-duty bus drivers surrounded me. One man handed me my pocketbook, two typewritten pages and a box containing the contents of my purse.
"We're required to inventory lost wallets and purses," he explained. "I think you'll find everything there."
As I started to put my belongings back into the pocketbook, the man continued, "I hope you don't mind if we watch. Even though we all tried, none of us could fit everything into your purse - and we'd like to see just how you do it."

Humor jokes-To heaven

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
The man said, "I do, Father."
The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."
Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.
"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.
Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."
The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."

Kids jokes-What does your Daddy do?

A third grade teacher was getting to know her pupils on the first day of school. She turned to one little girl and asked,
"What does your Daddy do?" The girl replied,
"Whatever my Mommy tells him to do."

Funny Picture - Barack Obama

Really funny jokes-Endearing

Bernie was invited to his friend's home for dinner. Morris, the host, preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.
Bernie looked at Morris and remarked, "That is really nice, that after all these years that you have been married, you keep calling your wife those pet names."
Morris hung his head and whispered - "To tell the truth, I forgot her name three years ago!"

Short funny jokes-We've got to talk

When a man says, "We've got to talk," the woman hears, "We're going to have a nice conversation."
When a woman says, "We've got to talk," a man hears, "Will the defendant please rise?"

Clean jokes-Overweight woman

A grossly overweight woman gets on a train and seats herself next to a man during rush hour.
The train was packed and the woman turns to the man and says, "If YOU were a gentleman, you'd stand and let one of these other ladies sit down!"
The man looks at her and replies, "And if YOU were a lady, you'd stand and let FIVE or SIX of them sit down!!"

Short funny jokes-Wheel

What happened when the wheel was invented?
It caused a revolution.

Humor jokes-False teeth

A professional famous speaker was in rush for a dinner presentation that when he arrived at gathering and sat down at the head table, he suddenly realized that he had forgotten his false teeth.
Turning to the man next to him he said, "I forgot my teeth!"
The man said, "No problem." With that he reached into his pocket and pulled out a pair of false teeth. "Try these," he said. The speaker tried them. "Thanks, but they're too loose," he said.
The man then said, "I have another pair...try these."
The speaker tried them and responded, "Too tight."
The man was not taken back at all. He then said,
"I have one more pair... try them." The speaker said, "They fit perfectly!"
With that he ate his meal and gave his address.
After the dinner meeting was over, the speaker went over to thank the man who had helped him.
"I want to thank you for coming to my aid.
Where is your office? I've been looking for a good dentist."
The man replied, "Oh I'm not a dentist sir. I work at the morgue.."

Really funny jokes-High cost

Recently launched into the "real world" and shocked by the expenses that came with it, my brother Dustin was complaining about the high cost of auto insurance.
"If you got married," teased my dad, "the premium would be lower."
Dustin smiled. "That would be like buying an airline just to get free peanuts."

Kids jokes-Drawing

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."
The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."

Funny jokes-Turn signals

A guy and his girlfriend are driving to the movies one night for a date.

As the guy was making a right turn, he noticed his turn signal light inside the car didn't light up at all. So as he approached the next right turn, he asked his girlfriend to please stick her head out the window and tell him if his turn signal is working.

She happily obliges and at the turn she sticks her head out the window and replies, "It is... It isn't... It is... It isn't... It is... It isn't.""

Really funny jokes-Baptist dinner

A group of country friends from the Cottonwood Baptist Church wanted to get together on a regular basis, socialize, and play games. The lady of the house was to prepare the meal.
When it came time for Al and Janet to be
the hosts, Janet wanted to outdo all the others. Janet decided to have mushroom-smothered steak.
But mushrooms are expensive. She then told her husband, 'No mushrooms. They are too high.'
He said, 'Why don't you go down in the pasture and pick some of those mushrooms? There are plenty in the creek bed.'
She said, 'No, some wild mushrooms are poison.'
He said,
'Well, I see varmints eating them and they're OK.'
So Janet decided to give it a try.
She picked a bunch, washed, sliced, diced them for her smothered steak .
Then she went out on the back porch and gave Ol' Spot (the yard dog) a double handful.
Ol' Spot ate every bite.
All morning long, Janet watched Ol' Spot and the wild mushrooms didn't seem to affect him, so she decided to use them.
The meal was a great success, and Janet even hired a helper lady from town to help her serve.
She had on a white apron and a fancy little cap on her head.
After everyone had finished, they relaxed, socialized, and played 42 and dominoes. About then, the helper lady from town came in and whispered in Janet's ear.
She said, 'Mrs. Williams, Ol' Spot just died.'
Janet went into hysterics. After she finally calmed down, she called the doctor and told him
what had happened.
The doctor said,
'That's bad, but I think we can take care of it. I will call for an ambulance and I will be there
as quick as possible. We'll give everyone enemas and we will pump out everyone's stomach. Everything will be fine. Just keep them calm.'
Soon they could hear the siren as the ambulance was coming down the road.
The EMTs and the doctor had their suitcases, syringes, and a stomach pump. One by one, they took each person into the bathroom, gave them an enema, and pumped out their stomach.
After the last one was finished, the doctor came out and said, 'I think everything will be fine now.' and he left.
They were all looking pretty weak sitting around the living room and about this time the helper
lady came in and said,
'You know, that fella that ran over Ol' Spot never even stopped.'

Doctor jokes

Let me tell you about my doctor

He gave a patient six months to live. At the end of the six months, the patient hadn't paid his bill, so the doctor gave him another six months.
While he was talking to me, his nurse came in and said, ' Doctor, there is a man here who thinks he's invisible.' The doctor said, 'Tell him I can't see him.'
Another time a man came-running in the office and yelled, 'Doctor, doctor!! My son just swallowed a roll of film!!' The doctor calmly replied, 'Let's just wait and see what develops.'

Humor jokes-Ladies man

Bill had been quite the ladies man and player all his life, but now that he was getting up there in age, his doctor was getting concerned about him.
"Bill," advised the doctor, "I can add 15 more years to your life if you will just quit your old routine of wine, women, and song."
Bill thought for a few minutes, then said, "Tell you what doc, I'll settle for five more years and just give up singing."

Short funny jokes-Date

Q: Why did the apple go out with a fig?
A: Because it couldn't find a date.

Really funny jokes-Unemployment

Two guys who worked together were both laid off, so off they go to the unemployment office.
Asked his occupation, the first guy says, "Panty stitcher. I sew the elastic onto cotton panties."
The clerk looked up panty stitcher. Finding it classed as unskilled labor, she gives him $300, a week's unemployment pay.
The second guy was asked his occupation.
"Diesel fitter," he replies.
Since diesel fitter is a skilled job the clerk gives the second guy $600 a week.
When the first guy finds out he's furious. He storms back in to find out why his friend and co-worker is collecting double his pay. The clerk explains: "Panty stitchers are unskilled and diesel fitters are skilled labor."
"What skill?" yells the panty stitcher. "I sew the elastic on and he pulls on it and says, 'Yep, diesel fitter.' "

Short humor jokesSubscription

Why did the Vampire subscribe to USA Today?
He heard it had great circulation.

Really funny jokes-Parrot's vocabulary

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious, and laced with profanity.
John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to do to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.
Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes, the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then, suddenly, there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched hand and said 'I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior.'
John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued,
'May I ask, please, what the turkey did?'

Blonde's Headset

A hairdresser was trying to cut a blonde's hair but, because she refused to take off the headset of her iPod, he found his task very difficult. Finally, exasperated, he pulled off the handset and she collapsed on the floor.
An ambulance rushed her to hospital but too late, she was dead. The hairdresser felt very bad about this but wondered what she was listening to.
He put on the headset and heard the words, "Breathe in....breathe out....breathe in....!"

Humor jokes-Overconfidence !

It was the end of the school year, and a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils.
The florist's son handed her a gift. She shook it, held it overhead, and said, "I bet I know what it is. Flowers." "That's right!" the boy said,
"But, how did you know?" "Oh, just a wild guess," she said.
The next pupil was the sweet shop owner's daughter. The teacher held her gift overhead, shook it, and said, "I bet I can guess what it is. A box of sweets."
"That's right, but how did you know?" asked the girl. "Oh, just a wild guess," said the teacher.
The next gift was from the son of the liquor storeowner. The teacher held the package overhead, but it was leaking. She touched a drop off the leakage with her finger and put it to her tongue. "Is it wine?" she asked.
"No," the boy replied, with some excitement. The teacher repeated the process, tasting a larger drop of the leakage. "Is it champagne?" she asked.
"No," the boy replied, with more excitement. The teacher took one more big taste before declaring, "I give up, what is it?"
With great glee, the boy replied, "It's a puppy!"

Really funny jokes-An Irish Pub Joke

An Irishman, an Englishman and a Scotsman go into a pub. Each orders a pint of Guinness. Just as the bartender hands them over, three flies buzz down and land-- one, two, three-- in each of the pints. The Englishman looks disgusted, pushes his pint away and demands another... the Scotsman picks out the fly, shrugs, and takes a long swallow. The Irishman reaches in to the glass, grabs the fly between his fingers and shakes him as hard as he can, shouting 'Spit it out, ya idiot! Spit it out!'

Clean jokes-Donation

Father O'Malley answers the phone. 'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?'
'It is!'
'This is the Tax Department. Can you help us?'
'I can!' '
Do you know a Ted Houlihan?'
'I do!'
'Is he a member of your congregation? '
'He is!'
'Did he donate $10,000 to the church?'
'He will.'

Short funny jokes-Milk shake

How do you make a milkshake?
You sneak up behind a glass of milk and yell "Boo!"

Really funny jokes-Priceless

While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant, and resumed their trip. When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table, and she didn't miss them until they had been driving about forty minutes. By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around, in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.
All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man. He fussed and complained, and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive. The more he chided her, the more agitated he became. He just wouldn't let up one minute. To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant. As the woman got out of the car, and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her, 'While you're in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card.'

Kids jokes-May I?

L.Johnny: Can I go to the toilet?
Teacher: Johhny, MAY I go to the toilet?
L.Johnny: But I asked first!

Short funny jokes-Vacation

Why don't mummies take vacations?
They're afraid they'll relax and unwind.

Really funny jokes-Discharge

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out.
When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act, she immediately ordered Edna to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.
The bad news is Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."
Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"

Clean jokes-A walking economy

This guy is walking with his friend. He says to this friend, "You know, Benny's a walking economy."
His friend replies, "How so?"
"His hair line is in recession, his stomach is a victim of inflation, and both of these together are putting him into a deep depression."

Office jokes

What do you call 12 investment bankers at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start.

Really funny jokes-Back to the States

This lady went to the Holy Lands with her daughter and son in law. While she was there she was a royal pain in the you know what. The food was either too spicey, or not seasoned at all. The weather was always too hot, all she did all the time that she was there was complain about everything. She even complained that the toilet tissue was to rough. Well her son in law had just about had it. And he was about ready to ship her home, when out of the blue she passed away.
Well the son in law went to the undertaker there. The undertaker said there was two options, they could send her body to the States which would cost $15,000 or they could bury her there at a cost of $150.
The son in law thought for a while and he decided to send her back to the States. The undertaker could not understand why he wanted to spend so much money to send her back to the States, when it was so much cheaper to take care of things there.
So he asked him why he was wanting to send her back to the States.
The son in law said, "Look 2000 years ago you buried a guy in a tomb over here and in 3 days he came back to life, I don't want to take that chance with her."

Funny jokes-Quarterback

A guy took his girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.

'Oh, I really liked it,' she replied, 'especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents.'

Dumbfounded, her date asked, 'What do you mean?'

'Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was:
'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback! ' I'm like... Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!

Short funny jokes-Group of accountants

What's the most wicked thing a group of young accountants can do?
Go into town and gang-audit someone.

Short Funny jokes-Waterloo

A very thirsty man goes into a bar. As he's sitting down, he hears the man next to him tell the bartender, "I'll have another waterloo."
The bartender gives the fellow a tall, well-iced drink, then asks the newcomer what he would like to drink. Thinking the other man's drink may be a specialty of the house,
he says, "I'll have a waterloo, too."
The bartender gives him the tall, well-iced drink and the customer takes a big drink.
"Hey," he says. "This isn't any good. It tastes just like water!"
The man next to him looks at the bartender and says, "Well, it is water. Right, Lou?"