In jail

With my 2 year old son on the loose at home, I always feel I am in jail. You will want to know why.

I'll tell you why. My day begins with someone yelling at me to wake up. It's like someone is always keeping an eye on what I am doing. I can't have a shower without fearing something bad is going to happen to me. I can't sleep without the fear that a scoundrel will crawl into my bed at night. I feel eyes fixed on my back when I going to the bathroom. Alcohol and adult movies need to be smuggled in to be enjoyed in complete secrecy. The fear of being attacked by anything that comes in the hands of the perpetrator.


Ain't it like being in jail?

Draw a picture

Dean was dealing in furniture, especially antique furniture. And to acquire old pieces of furniture, he had to travel regularly to other cities.

On one such visit, after the day’s work, he was sitting in a bar nursing a drink, when a cute girl, probably French, walked in. The bar was crowded but there was a vacant seat next to Dean. The girl walked over and occupied the chair.

Out of common courtesy, Dean offered her a drink but she did not understand English. So Dean took a paper napkin and made a rough sketch of glass with whisky and looked at the girl lifting his eye brows questioningly. She immediately understood and nodded her consent. After a couple of rounds of drinks, Dean took another napkin and drew a picture of a man and a woman dancing and she immediately got up to dance. They had a few more drinks after that and of course, dinner.

The girl, now happy and more than satisfied, took a napkin and drew a picture of a big double bed. To this day Dean has not been able to understand how she knew he was in the furniture business.

Call to wife

Sam called his wife and said to her in a weak voice, "Hey baby, I was driving to a coffee shop to meet Mary when all of a sudden, a stray dog came in the way. I tried to steer left to avoid running it down, but the car skidded due to high speed, rolled over and almost ran off the cliff. The car was hanging nose down over the cliff, as I looked down fearing impending death. I just managed to climb out of the car and save my life, just before the car fell over the cliff crashing thousands of feet below and was blown into smithereens."

Sam continued, "I was taken to a hospital. I have a broken leg, broken jaw, dislocated shoulder and several injuries on my head."

There was silence on the phone, then the wife asked, "Who is Mary?"

Do not touch!

Desmond, known to be notorious, is having a drink at his favourite watering hole.

Having had a drink too many, he feels the need to go to the urinal. Fearing that someone in the cheap joint will drink his rum, he puts a label on his glass, marked "I licked the glass and spat in it. DO NOT TOUCH!"

When he returns from the urinal, there is another label on his glass marked "ME TOO!"

The trouble with me

Mark was quite tensed when he went to see a shrink.

Mark said slowly to Dr. Lowe, "I..I am in love with my cat."

Dr. Lowe said in a sweet voice, "That's ok Mark. Several people in the world are fond of animals. In fact, I have a dog who I cannot do without."

Mark, looking embarrassed, said to the shrink, "It's different. I feel myself...err...physically drawn to my cat."

Dr. Lowe looks at Mark and says, "Is your cat a 'he or a 'she'?

Mark, looking offended says, "Its a female cat, doc. Do I look gay to you??"

Don't get sarcastic with me

Christopher popped the question to Lydia, his girlfriend of 4 years. "Will you marry me?"

The next thing you know is that they are married and on the way to Venice for their honeymoon.

When they are back home, Christopher gets back to normal life. One fine morning, he is cleaning his golf club and looking forward to join his buddies at the golf course, when Lydia comes to him and says, "Chris, we are married now and I think you should give up sports like golfing as it is such a waste of time!"

Christopher can't believe what he just heard, and gives her a look of disbelief.

Lydia says, Huh, did i say something wrong?"

Christopher says, "For a second, I thought that was my ex-wife talking."

Now its Lydia's turn to be shocked and she yells, "Ex wife! You never told you had married before!"

Christopher replies, "I hadn't!"

Runaway train

Mickey had spent a long time in the mental asylum. The doctors were checking his mental health and if deemed fit, he would be allowed to go.

One of the doctors asked, "If you see a train speeding towards you in this passage, what would you do?"

Mickey replied, "I would jump in my copter and fly to safety."

The doc asked further, "And where did you find the copter?"

Mickey replied, "Same place you found that godforsaken train!"

I am a dog

Renita goes to see Dr. Mulbury in a state of despair.

"Doctor", says Renita, "There is something terribly wrong with me. I think I am turning into a dog!"

Dr. Mulbury, pretty shocked to hear such a statement, responds, "My dear, I am sure you are suffering from some ailment, but be assured, you cannot turn into a dog."

Renita, far from being assured, goes on, "Look at my teeth, Dr. Mulbury. They are beginning to look like a canine's teeth!"

Dr. Mulbury said, "I can see that. Your teeth do look sharp but that does not mean you are turning into a dog."

Renita, not ready to be dismissed so easily, continues, "Look at all the hair I am getting on my hands and legs!"

Dr. Mulbury, now concerned, replies,"There certainly is some disorder, but you are not turning into a dog."

Renita says, "Look at my tongue, it was never this long!!"

Dr. Mulbury takes a look and says, "Yes, it appears to be long."

Renita adds,"Look at my nails, doc. Have you seen a woman with nails this long and sharp?'

Dr. Mulbury is worried now, and manages to mumble, "Hmm..."

Renita, now going wild, lifts her skirt and says, "I am even developing a tail!"

Dr. Mulbury, visibly shaken, starts scribbling something on a piece of paper.

Renita says, "Are you writing me a prescription? I just hope it helps. I am going crazy!"

Dr. Mulbury says, "Not really. I am writing a letter to my uncle who works at the Mayor's office. Show him this letter and he will give you permission to poop in the streets!"

To drink or not to drink

Balbir, the village drunkard, asked his friend Suresh if it was okay to drink alcohol while praying.

Suresh, noticing the temple priest pass by, asked Balbir to pose this question to the priest.

Balbir, a little inebriated, staggered to the temple priest and asked, "Oh Holy man, is it okay for me to drink while I pray?"

The priest, enraged by such a question, replied angrily, "Certainly not!! How could you be so discourteous to your religion?"

Balbir went to Suresh and told him what the priest replied to him.

Suresh said to him, "Your question was not right. Let me give it a try."

Suresh went up to the temple priest and said, "Sire, do you think it is right to pray while I drink?"

The priest smiled and said, "Oh certainly, my good fellow. Sure you can".

Air hostess

Philippines airline advertised, "We invite you to experience our warm and motherly treatment."

A passenger commented, "They are so right. It's warm cos the air-conditioning never works. It has to be motherly, all the pursers & hostesses are 50 plus!!"

You are what you shop!

Tracy goes to the departmental store to shop for groceries and toiletries. She picks up a packet of skimmed milk, zero-fat yogurt, apples, hair-remover and a deodorant.

She goes to the cash counter and the snooty cashier asks her, "You must be single!"

Tracy is surprised, and asks her, "How did you know? Did you guess that from what I purchased?"

"No," replied the cashier, "You're ugly!"

The irresistible offer

Robert, the smart new manager, impresses one and all at his workplace.

One day, his Boss, Mr. Jenkins calls him in his cabin and says, "Robert, I must admit I am mighty impressed with you. I have a proposal for you. If you agree to marry my daughter, I'll make you a stakeholder in my company, give you a 5 million dollar annual salary plus perks, and the latest S-class of Mercedes Benz."

Robert is perplexed. He says, "Is something wrong with your daughter?"

Mr. Jenkins shows him a photograph of her and Robert shivers at the sight of the ugly girl in the photo.

Mr. Jenkins adds, "Err, she has other problems as well. She is dumb and she stutters."

Robert finally manages to say, "Thanks for the offer but she is not worth it."

Mr. Jenkins persists, "Listen son, I will give you a 10 million and buy you a mansion with a private beach."

Robert simply cannot say no to the irresistible offer, so he accepts thinking he will put a pillow over her head when they make out.

They get married and after a few months, Robert buys an expensive painting. He wants to hang it on the wall, so he says to his wife, "Can you get me a hammer.'

She stutters, "Ham-merr, need a ham-err"

Robert says, Also get some nails."

She stutters, "N-nails, need n-nails."

Robert hammers a nail into the wall when he hits his finger and shouts, "F**k!"

She stutters, "Pil-loww, get a pil-loww!"

Intelligent women

Dana: Why do men like intelligent women with a high IQ?

Tara: That's because Opposites attract!

Coming up

Sardar Santa Singh worked in a medical store as a cashier and was not too acquainted with facts of medicines. One day, the pharmacist was away on an errand, so Santa Singh had to take his place. A customer came along and asked for a medicine by it's name.

Since the medicine was not available at the counter, Santa Singh asked the helper boy to get it from the warehouse. The helper boy was taking long to get it, and the customer was getting impatient.

Seeing the customer getting edgy, and not knowing that the medicine was meant to help get an erection, Santa Singh tried to pacify him by saying, "Here sir, sit down. Yours coming up in minute."