Do not touch!

Desmond, known to be notorious, is having a drink at his favourite watering hole.

Having had a drink too many, he feels the need to go to the urinal. Fearing that someone in the cheap joint will drink his rum, he puts a label on his glass, marked "I licked the glass and spat in it. DO NOT TOUCH!"

When he returns from the urinal, there is another label on his glass marked "ME TOO!"

The trouble with me

Mark was quite tensed when he went to see a shrink.

Mark said slowly to Dr. Lowe, "I..I am in love with my cat."

Dr. Lowe said in a sweet voice, "That's ok Mark. Several people in the world are fond of animals. In fact, I have a dog who I cannot do without."

Mark, looking embarrassed, said to the shrink, "It's different. I feel myself...err...physically drawn to my cat."

Dr. Lowe looks at Mark and says, "Is your cat a 'he or a 'she'?

Mark, looking offended says, "Its a female cat, doc. Do I look gay to you??"

Don't get sarcastic with me

Christopher popped the question to Lydia, his girlfriend of 4 years. "Will you marry me?"

The next thing you know is that they are married and on the way to Venice for their honeymoon.

When they are back home, Christopher gets back to normal life. One fine morning, he is cleaning his golf club and looking forward to join his buddies at the golf course, when Lydia comes to him and says, "Chris, we are married now and I think you should give up sports like golfing as it is such a waste of time!"

Christopher can't believe what he just heard, and gives her a look of disbelief.

Lydia says, Huh, did i say something wrong?"

Christopher says, "For a second, I thought that was my ex-wife talking."

Now its Lydia's turn to be shocked and she yells, "Ex wife! You never told you had married before!"

Christopher replies, "I hadn't!"

Runaway train

Mickey had spent a long time in the mental asylum. The doctors were checking his mental health and if deemed fit, he would be allowed to go.

One of the doctors asked, "If you see a train speeding towards you in this passage, what would you do?"

Mickey replied, "I would jump in my copter and fly to safety."

The doc asked further, "And where did you find the copter?"

Mickey replied, "Same place you found that godforsaken train!"

I am a dog

Renita goes to see Dr. Mulbury in a state of despair.

"Doctor", says Renita, "There is something terribly wrong with me. I think I am turning into a dog!"

Dr. Mulbury, pretty shocked to hear such a statement, responds, "My dear, I am sure you are suffering from some ailment, but be assured, you cannot turn into a dog."

Renita, far from being assured, goes on, "Look at my teeth, Dr. Mulbury. They are beginning to look like a canine's teeth!"

Dr. Mulbury said, "I can see that. Your teeth do look sharp but that does not mean you are turning into a dog."

Renita, not ready to be dismissed so easily, continues, "Look at all the hair I am getting on my hands and legs!"

Dr. Mulbury, now concerned, replies,"There certainly is some disorder, but you are not turning into a dog."

Renita says, "Look at my tongue, it was never this long!!"

Dr. Mulbury takes a look and says, "Yes, it appears to be long."

Renita adds,"Look at my nails, doc. Have you seen a woman with nails this long and sharp?'

Dr. Mulbury is worried now, and manages to mumble, "Hmm..."

Renita, now going wild, lifts her skirt and says, "I am even developing a tail!"

Dr. Mulbury, visibly shaken, starts scribbling something on a piece of paper.

Renita says, "Are you writing me a prescription? I just hope it helps. I am going crazy!"

Dr. Mulbury says, "Not really. I am writing a letter to my uncle who works at the Mayor's office. Show him this letter and he will give you permission to poop in the streets!"

To drink or not to drink

Balbir, the village drunkard, asked his friend Suresh if it was okay to drink alcohol while praying.

Suresh, noticing the temple priest pass by, asked Balbir to pose this question to the priest.

Balbir, a little inebriated, staggered to the temple priest and asked, "Oh Holy man, is it okay for me to drink while I pray?"

The priest, enraged by such a question, replied angrily, "Certainly not!! How could you be so discourteous to your religion?"

Balbir went to Suresh and told him what the priest replied to him.

Suresh said to him, "Your question was not right. Let me give it a try."

Suresh went up to the temple priest and said, "Sire, do you think it is right to pray while I drink?"

The priest smiled and said, "Oh certainly, my good fellow. Sure you can".

Air hostess

Philippines airline advertised, "We invite you to experience our warm and motherly treatment."

A passenger commented, "They are so right. It's warm cos the air-conditioning never works. It has to be motherly, all the pursers & hostesses are 50 plus!!"

You are what you shop!

Tracy goes to the departmental store to shop for groceries and toiletries. She picks up a packet of skimmed milk, zero-fat yogurt, apples, hair-remover and a deodorant.

She goes to the cash counter and the snooty cashier asks her, "You must be single!"

Tracy is surprised, and asks her, "How did you know? Did you guess that from what I purchased?"

"No," replied the cashier, "You're ugly!"

The irresistible offer

Robert, the smart new manager, impresses one and all at his workplace.

One day, his Boss, Mr. Jenkins calls him in his cabin and says, "Robert, I must admit I am mighty impressed with you. I have a proposal for you. If you agree to marry my daughter, I'll make you a stakeholder in my company, give you a 5 million dollar annual salary plus perks, and the latest S-class of Mercedes Benz."

Robert is perplexed. He says, "Is something wrong with your daughter?"

Mr. Jenkins shows him a photograph of her and Robert shivers at the sight of the ugly girl in the photo.

Mr. Jenkins adds, "Err, she has other problems as well. She is dumb and she stutters."

Robert finally manages to say, "Thanks for the offer but she is not worth it."

Mr. Jenkins persists, "Listen son, I will give you a 10 million and buy you a mansion with a private beach."

Robert simply cannot say no to the irresistible offer, so he accepts thinking he will put a pillow over her head when they make out.

They get married and after a few months, Robert buys an expensive painting. He wants to hang it on the wall, so he says to his wife, "Can you get me a hammer.'

She stutters, "Ham-merr, need a ham-err"

Robert says, Also get some nails."

She stutters, "N-nails, need n-nails."

Robert hammers a nail into the wall when he hits his finger and shouts, "F**k!"

She stutters, "Pil-loww, get a pil-loww!"

Intelligent women

Dana: Why do men like intelligent women with a high IQ?

Tara: That's because Opposites attract!

Coming up

Sardar Santa Singh worked in a medical store as a cashier and was not too acquainted with facts of medicines. One day, the pharmacist was away on an errand, so Santa Singh had to take his place. A customer came along and asked for a medicine by it's name.

Since the medicine was not available at the counter, Santa Singh asked the helper boy to get it from the warehouse. The helper boy was taking long to get it, and the customer was getting impatient.

Seeing the customer getting edgy, and not knowing that the medicine was meant to help get an erection, Santa Singh tried to pacify him by saying, "Here sir, sit down. Yours coming up in minute."

It's a shame

It was Mona's first date and she was mighty excited about it.

Grandma was very worried though, so she decided to have a little chat with her granddaughter.

She said to Mona, "Mona, my dear, you need to know a few things about guys, before you go for your first date. He will try to give you a smooch, and you may feel good about it, but you need to stop him."

Mona nodded her head.

Grandma went on, "You don't know these young boys. Next he will try to squeeze your melons. You may feel good about it, but you need to stop him."

Mona nodded again.

Grandma continued, "He will also try to rub you in the wrong places, you may feel good about it too, but you need to stop him. But above all this, he may try to climb on top of you and have his way with you. You may feel good but you certainly need to stop him! It will bring shame to your family"

After the enlightenment, Mona went ahead with her date. When she returned home, she seemed to be very happy.

Grandma wanted to know all about it.

Mona said to her, "Oh Grandma, I did not let Tom bring shame to our family. When he tried to do all those things you said, I climbed on top of him and brought shame to HIS family!!"

Diagnosis

The professor of psychology at S.D. College, Mr. Andrews was conducting a class on the topic "Manic depression".

During the lecture, the professor posed a question to the class. He asked, "What diagnosis would you have for a person who paces the floor back & forth, pulls his hair, yells at everyone in sight and then goes into a shell crying uncontrollably?"

Betty raised her hand to answer, "It would be a football coach, right?"

Feeling guilty

Mary goes to a shrink and tells him her concerns.

She says, "Doc, I need help. I have this problem - whenever I date a nice guy, I end up sleeping with him. Later, I carry guilt that lasts for several days and I go into depression."

The shrink says, "Hmmm...from what you just told me, I understand you want me to help you strengthen your will power and resistance."

"Good lord, No!!" exclaimed Mary. "Why on earth would I want that? I want you to help me not feel guilty and depressed later."