Heaven and Hell

It was a Sunday and the preacher was addressing a mass in the church. During his sermon, the preacher broached the subject of Heaven and Hell, how good deeds allow you a place in Heaven and how bad deeds make you suffer in Hell. Finally done, the preacher commanded: “Raise your hands - those of you who want to go to heaven.”

Every one raised his hand except Dean and Martin. Father asked them: “What’s wrong with the two of you? Don’t you fancy heaven?”

Dean: “We do, we do. But we thought like you are taking us there right now and we are not ready yet.”

Very funny jokes-First Twitter Date

Brad: That was a great show. So.. did you want to come up to my place and check out my TweetDeck?

Betty: ummm... I don't think so.

Brad: Well then how about my Twhirl pool?

Betty: Look.. you’re a cute guy, but after seeing your Fail Whale this just isn’t going to work!

Really funny jokes-Don't want to go to Church

Irina went to wake up her son for church one Sunday morning. When she knocked on his door, he said, "I'm not going!"

"Why not?" asked Irina.

"I'll give you two good reasons," he said. "One, they don't like me. Two, I don't like them."

Irina replied, "I'll give you two good reasons why YOU WILL go to church. One, you're 47 years old. Two, you're the pastor!"

Really funny jokes-Car dents

POSH takes her car into a garage to have some dents removed. The garage man, knowing she isn't the brightest Spice Girl in the world, decides to play a joke on her.

"You don't need me to take those dents out," he says. "Just blow up the exhaust pipe and the metal will pop back into place."

So she takes the car home and tries it. David spots her from the house, opens a window and shouts: "You daft girl! You have to wind the windows up first!"

Office jokes-Meetings

Are you Lonely?
Don't like working on your own?
Hate making decisions?

Then call a MEETING!!

You can:-

SEE people,
DRAW flowcharts,
FEEL important,
IMPRESS your colleagues
(and all on company time)

MEETINGS....
The practical alternative to work!

Hilarious jokes-Health warning

Aramco Health Department

Large scale outbreak of Texanitus hits Saudi Arabia

During the last 30 years there have been occasional outbreaks of Texanitus, but this last one appears to have reached epidemic proportions. Consequently the Health Department consider it necessary to ease the panic that is sweeping the country by issuing this advice.

Texanitus can be divided into two forms:

Acute
Chronic

Acute Texanitus is the mild form of the disease and can usually be cured by a complete rest for 5 years with the Gorra Gorra Tribe in the Amazon rain forest. Children who catch acute Texanitus usually end up as chronic cases as the disease appears to be hereditary. Some children do seem to have a natural resistance but unfortunately they seem very rare.

Chronic sufferers can sometimes be recognized by large hats that they wear to hide their enormously swollen heads. Likewise others wear large boots or belt buckles to compensate for their thin legs and distended stomachs. Other symptoms include shouts of YIPEEEE or GODAMIT, which just shows how painful this disease can be in the terminal stages.

WARNING :

Never corner chronic sufferers in a confined space and ask them questions, as most sufferers tend to spray rumours in all directions. Whether this bull is contagious we not yet know, so take precautions.

As a safeguard we are giving anti Texanitus shots to anyone that wants one, so if you are worried go along to your nearest clinic and get one.

Yours truly

Mustaffa Phart

Aramco Surgeon General

Sports jokes-Second round

What do you call a Scottish guy in the second round of the World Cup?

He has to be The Referee

Short funny jokes-Degrees

What did the thermometer say to the graduated cylinder?

"You may have graduated but I've got many degrees".

Clever elderly gentleman

Three old men - Jack, Roland & Nicholas were talking about what their grandkids would be mentioning about them fifty years from then.

Jack said, "I would like my grandchild to say, 'He was a successful businessman'".

Roland, the sentimental gentleman said, "I want my grandchildren to remember me as a loyal family man".

Then Jack asked Nicholas,  "So what do you want them to say about you in fifty years?"

"Well" replied Nicholas, "I want my grandkids to say 'He certainly looks good for his age!'"

Kids jokes-Wagon

English teacher says to her student: Sam, please use the word "wagon" in a sentence.

Sam: If I told my dog to stop wagon his tail, he would still wag on.

Really funny jokes-Arab salesman's offer

As US tourists in Israel, a man and his wife were sitting outside a Bethlehem souvenir shop, waiting for fellow tourists. An Arab salesman approached them carrying belts. After an impassioned sales talk yielded no results, he asked where they were from.

'America,' the husband replied.

Looking at her dark hair and olive skin, the Arab responded, 'She's not from the States.'

'Yes, I am.' said the wife. He looked at her and asked, 'Is he your husband?'

'Yes,' she replied. Turning to the husband, he offered....

'I'll give you 100 camels for her.' The husband looked stunned, and there was a long silence.

Finally he replied,' She's not for sale.'

After the salesman left, the somewhat indignant wife asked her husband what took him so long to answer, to which the husband replied, 'I was trying to figure out how I'd get 100 camels back home.'

Short funny jokes-Turkey

Question: Why did they let the turkey join the band?

Answer: Because he had his own drumsticks!

Hilarious jokes-Last statement

A man who was gloomy and desperate at England's current football situation decided to commit suicide. He planned to hang himself in his living room. At the very last moment, he decided upon wearing his full England kit as his last statement. A neighbor, catching sight of the impending incident, called the police.

On arrival, the police quickly removed the Jersey and dressed the man in stockings and suspenders. The man, totally confused asked why.

The policeman simply replied, "It's to avoid embarrassing your family."

Really funny jokes-The precious one

And then there was this Swede pilot who was on a plane with two Norwegian pilots on a test flight.

All of a sudden, there was a snag in the engine and they had to bail themselves out. But the problem was that there were only two parachutes in the plane. The Swede seized one and said: “I am too precious to this world and mankind in general to lose my life.” And he jumped.

One Norwegian: “Now what?”

Second Norwegian: “We jump. The precious one just grabbed my back pack and jumped.”