You have been promoted!

Justin was driving to work when his mobile phone rang.

It was his boss, Mr. Jenkins. Mr. Jenkins informed Justin that he had been promoted.

Justin drove a mile further and the phone rang again. This time it was the Managing Director, Mr. Berton, who informed Justin that he had been promoted to the boss's job.

After some time, the phone rang once again and the call was from Mr. Bell, the Chairman, and he said that Justin had been promoted to Managing Director.

Just then Justin lost control and crashed into a tree.

When the cops arrived and asked what happened, Justin replied he just careered of the road.

Hockey jokes-Hat trick

What is India's version of a hat-trick?

That's conceding three goals in a hockey match in ten minutes.

Another Mother-in-law joke

I was driving past my mother-in-law's home when I saw her being accosted by 5 men, who proceeded to kick and bruise her.

My friend seated next to me asked, "Aren't you going to help?"

I replied, "No. These five will manage."

Hilarious jokes-Phases a man goes through after marriage

Prior to marriage : “Superman.”
After marriage : “Gentleman”
After five years : “Watchman”
After ten years : “Poor man”
After fifteen years:“Spiderman” (caught in his own web).

The Dexter Nursing Home

The Dexter Nursing Home regulations made it mandatory to have a wheel chair for patients being discharged.

Alice, the trainee nurse, found an old guy already dressed and seated on the bed with a suitcase at his feet. Alice offered help but the old man insisted he could make it on his own and didn't need help to leave the hospital.

Alice reminded him that she had to follow rules, so he reluctantly let the nurse wheel him to the elevator.

On the way down, Alice asked him if his wife was coming to meet him.

'I don't know,' said the old man. 'Guess she is still up in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'

Hilarious jokes-In jail

Two old men, John and David, met at a park.

John said, "Hey, where have you been all these years?"

David replied, "I was in jail."

"What? What did you do?" asked John.

David said, "Well, I was standing at the marketplace when this pretty young thing appeared with a policeman, pointed to me and said, 'That's the guy, Officer. He's the one who raped me'."

"What? And you let her accuse you like that?" exclaimed John.

"Well, you know I felt so flattered, I had to admit to it," replied David.

Short funny jokes-Borrow landmower

Joe, to his neighbor Tom: ‘Hey, can I borrow your lawnmower?’

Tom: ‘Sorry, she’s not home yet.’

Good physique

Just a thought: Nowadays, a man spends quite some time in acquiring good physique rather than good knowledge.

Reason: He knows a woman may be dumb but not blind.

Clean jokes-Wallet

Two fishermen were out on the lake when one of them dropped his wallet. As they watched the wallet float down to the depths of the lake, a carp came along and snatched up the wallet. Soon came another carp who stole it away and then a third joined in.

Remarked one of the fisherman, "That's the first time I've ever seen carp-to-carp walleting."

Forward me!!

Not all men are romantic.

My girlfriend, Renee, being the romantic sort, sent me the following messages on whatsapp when I was on a business trip to the north.

When you chuckle, forward me your smile.

When you are down, forward me your tears.

When you eat, forward me a bite.

When you drink, forward me a sip.

When you are asleep, forward me your dreams.


I didn't know what to reply to these thoughts.
So I messaged back, "I am in the washroom, sitting on the pot. What should I forward to you??"

Funny jokes-Fewer Heart attacks

The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British.

On the other hand, the French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British.

The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British.

The French and Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British.

Conclusion:
Eat and drink what you like. It's speaking English that kills you.

What are you expecting?

7 year old Jason was at the metro with his friends.

He saw a pregnant lady standing next to him and asked her, "What are you expecting?"

The pregnant lady replied casually, "a train"

Jason commented to his friends, "Can you beat this! this babe got laid by a Transformer!"

Short funny jokes-David Becham and Ferero Roche

Q. What have David Becham and Ferero Roche got in common?

A. They both come in posh boxes!

Really funny jokes-Life in prison vs. Life in office

A comparison of life in prison vs. a full time job

In prison, they spend the majority of their time in a 8' x 10' cell.
At work, I spend most of my time in a 6' x 8' cubicle.

In prison, they get three meals a day.
At work, I only get a break for one meal and I have to pay for that one.

In prison, you get time off for good behavior.
At work, I get rewarded for good behavior with more work.

In prison, they provide you with clothing with the ID conveniently sewn on to the clothes.
At work, I must wear an ID badge at all times.

In prison, there is a dress standard, but they supply the clothes.
At work, there is a dress standard, but I must buy my own clothes.

In prison, a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for me.
At work, I must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors myself.

In prison, they can watch TV and play games.
At work, I can get fired for watching TV and playing games.

In prison, they will pay my way through school to learn a new career and give me time to do it.
At work, they will pay for my education, but I must do it on my own time.

In prison they have exercise rooms that they allow you to use almost whenever you want.
At work we have an exercise room that you can use but it must be on your time.

In prison, I can fall asleep on the job and no serious consequences comes from my action.
At work, if I fall asleep on the job I get put on the next bullet list.

In prison, they ball and chain you when you go somewhere.
At work, you are just ball and chained.

In prison, you have full free medical coverage .
At work, you get partial coverage and your BUPA payments are deducted

In prison, all expenses are paid by the tax payer.
At work, you get to pay all the expenses to go to work, and then deduct the taxes from your salary to pay for the prisoners.