Really funny jokes-Staff Meeting

Moses and his flock arrive at the sea, with the Egyptians in hot pursuit.

Moses calls a staff meeting.

Moses: Well, how are we going to get across the sea? We need a fast solution. The Egyptians are close behind us.

The General of the Armies: Normally, I'd recommend that we build a pontoon bridge to carry us across. But there's not enough time -- the Egyptians are too close.

The Admiral of the Navy: Normally, I'd recommend that we build barges to carry us across. But time is too short.

Moses: Does anyone have a solution?

Just then, his Public Relations man raises his hand.

Moses: You! You have a solution?

The PR Man - No, but I can promise you this: If you can find a way out of this one, I can get you two or three pages in the Old Testament!

One line jokes-Las Vegas

The reason Las Vegas is so crowded is that no one has the plane fare to leave.

Funny jokes-More TSA slogans

- TSA: Touchin', Squeezin', Arrestin'

- You were a virgin.

- We handle more packages than the USPS

- The TSA isn't silly, they just want to inspect your willy.

- Stroke of the hand, law of the land.

- No Shirt, No Shoes, No Problem.

- Let your fingers do the Walking.

- Bend Over And Cough

- Reach out and touch someone.

- Can you feel me now?

- When we're done with you, you'll need a cigarette

- TSA - Thousands Standing Around

Lawyer jokes-Apperance

Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Really funny jokes-Foul mouthed parrot

A rather large lady had saved her money for a long time to be able to afford a cruise on a ship to the Bahama's.

When she gets settled in her cabin she goes to the dining room for her first meal on board, and is invited to sit at the Captain's table.

As she is seated at the table a mimmicking voice behind her loudly squawks, "Aawwk, Lady! How's your hole?"

Totally embarrassed, she turns to see a parrot on his perch behind her. She says to the steward, "Will you "Please" get rid of that foul mouthed beast?"

The steward replies, "I can't madam, that is the Captains parrot, which he dearly loves."

As the meal progresses to its end the bird continues to harrass the lady with his loud squawks, "Aawwk, Lady! How's your hole?"

The embarrassed woman finally retires to her cabin and goes into a restless sleep.

In the middle of the night the ship sinks rather suddenly and the lady finds herself floating in the ocean on a chest. As daylight breaks the next morning the lady hears this loud squawk behind her, "Aawwk, Lady! How's your Hole?"

The lady turns around to see the parrot floating on some debris and she replies, "Aah, Shut Up!"

The parrot says, "Aawwk, Mine too! Must be the salt water!"

Adult jokes-More pick up lines

1. You remind me of a championship bass, I don't know whether to mount you or eat you!

2. Could I touch your belly button . . . from the inside?

3. I'm not too good at algebra, but doesn't U+I = 69?

4. How about we play lion and lion tamer? You hold your mouth open, and I'll give you the meat.

One line jokes-Fast Camera

Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed; they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

Really funny jokes-Art supply store

I used to work in an art supply store. We sold artists' canvas by the yard, and you could get it in either of two widths: 36 inches or 48 inches.

Customer: "Can you please cut some canvas for me?"

Me: "Certainly, what width?"

Customer: (confused and slightly annoyed) "Scissors?"

Good jokes-TSA Slogans

TSA Slogans

- Grope discounts available.

- Can't see London, can't see France, unless we see your underpants.

- If we did our job any better, we'd have to buy you dinner first.

- Only we know if Lady Gaga is really a lady.

- Don't worry, my hands are still warm from the last guy.

- Throw a few back at the airport Chili's and you won't even notice.

- Wanna fly? Open your fly!

- We've handled more balls than Barney Frank.

- We are now free to move about your pants

- We rub you the wrong way, so you can be on your way.

- It's not a grope. It's a freedom pat.

- When in doubt, we make you whip it out.

One line jokes-Great healer

Time may be a great healer, but it's also a lousy beautician.

Hilarious jokes-Beer contains female hormones!

Beer contains female hormones!

Yes, that's right, FEMALE hormones!

Last month, Montreal University and scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain Phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.

To test the theory, 100 men each drank 8 schooners of beer within a one (1) hour period.

It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects,

....yes, 100% of all these men:

1) Argued over nothing.

2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.

3) Gained weight.

4) Talked excessively without making sense.

5) Became overly emotional.

6) Couldn't drive.

7) Failed to think rationally, and

8) Had to sit down while urinating.

No further testing was considered necessary!

Short funny jokes-Two fish

Two fish swim into a concrete wall.
The one turns to the other and says "Dam!"

Really funny jokes-Strange habit

A farmer’s horse dies and he heads into town to buy a replacement.

He heads to the local horse dealer to see what’s available. He looks at several fine horses but they are all way beyond what he can afford. He explains his predicament to the dealer who tells him, “Come around back, I think I may have something for you”

He shows him a horse that while not as impressive as those out front, seems to be healthy and strong. And the price is less than half the others.

“Before I can sell you this horse,” explains the dealer, “There’s something I have to tell you”

“I knew there had to be a catch” said the farmer, “What is it?”

“Well, this horse likes to sit on banana peels.” said the dealer. “If he sees a banana peel anywhere, he’ll sit on it and you won’t be able to budge him for half an hour”

The farmer thinks this over for a while and decides that it’s pretty unlikely he’ll come across too many banana skins, so he agrees to buy the horse.

He saddles it up and heads for home. A few miles down the trail the farmer is feeling pretty good about the whole deal, the horse is sure footed and responds well to the reins. He figures he got a good bargain.

Suddenly, up ahead, he spies something yellow on the ground. As they get closer he realizes that it’s a banana peel. The trail is too narrow to go around the banana peel so he decides to cross to the trail on the other side of the river. He steers the horse into the river and they start to cross.

Halfway across the river the horse suddenly sits down and the farmer is thrown into the water cracking his head on a rock.

Nothing the farmer can do will get the horse on it’s feet again. Soaking wet, bleeding and shivering with cold, the farmer wades to the other bank.

Half an hour later the horse gets back on its feet and walks to shore. The farmer rides it back to the farm without incident.

The next time the farmer is in town, the dealer sees him and asks how he’s making out with his new horse.

“Terrible!” says the farmer. He points to the gash on his head and tells him the story of what happened in the river.

The dealer smacks his hand to his forehead and says…

“Oh! I forgot to tell you! He sits on fish too”

Redneck jokes-Married

How can you tell if a Texas redneck is married?

There is dried chewing tobacco on both sides of his pickup truck.