Really funny jokes-Difficult to decide

It was a difficult case for the jurors. They had to decide whether the owners of the Bottoms Up Club in NYC were guilty of obscenity. The Judge decided that it would probably be best if the jury went to the club and see the allegedly obscene act.

The judge and the jury watched the act once, focusing on the part where a hot couple performed the "Dance of Love" with a climactic scene of lovemaking on a bearskin rug. The jury was unable to decide definitely whether it was obscene or not. So the jury members asked to see the act one more time. They watched it carefully again. But they still couldn't reach a decision. So this time they asked the understudies to perform the same act one more time.

Fortunately, the police involved in the case were very understanding. According to the Detective: "It is a difficult matter. The police have watched the show 75 times."

Redneck jokes-Sweat

What do you call the sweat produced when two rednecks are making out?

Relative humidity.

Adult jokes-The Humming Sound

A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom.

When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.

'What are you doing?' she exclaimed.

The daughter replied, 'I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband.'

Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on the sofa with her vibrator.

'What are you doing?' he exclaimed.

The daughter replied, 'I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband.'

A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time in the living room. Upon entering the room, she found her husband watching television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him.

She asked, 'What are you doing?'

He replied, 'Watching the game with my son-in-law.'

Really funny jokes-Right in the Groove

A hippy walks into a Bar and Grill. The waiter comes up to him and asks him if he wants anything.

So the Hippy says 'Yeah a cheeseburger. Not too well done, not to rare, but right in the groove.'

So the waiter brings his burger and asks if he wants anything to drink.
He says 'A cup of tea. Not too hot, not too cold, but right in the Groove.'

The waiter's kinda getting pissed now, but he brings the tea and kinda slams it on the table. Little while later the waiter comes back and asks the Hippy if he wants any dessert. He says 'Yeah some ice cream. Not too chocolate, not too vanilla, but right in the Groove.'

So the waiter says 'Why dont you kiss my arse. Not the right cheek, not the left cheek, but right in the Groove!'

Animal jokes-Walk the dog

A little girl asks her mum, 'Mum, can I take the dog for a walk around the block?'

Mom replies 'No, because she is on heat.'

'What does that mean?' asked the child.

'Go and ask your father. I think he's in the garage.'

The little girl goes out to the garage and says, 'Dad, can I take Lulu for a walk around the block? I asked Mum, but she said the dog was on the heat, and to come ask you.'

He took a rag, soaked it in petrol, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent,
and said 'Ok, you can go now, but keep Lulu on the leash and only go one time around the block.

The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash..

Surprised, Dad asked, 'Where's Lulu?'

The little girl said, 'She ran out of petrol about halfway round the block... so another dog is pushing her home.'

Funny jokes-What does Husband do?

Ann: What does your husband do?

Liza: What a husband should do.

Ann: I’m not asking about the night, but the day.

Liza: OK. He does the same during the day too.

Ann: I’m asking what he does for a living!!

Liza: That’s what I’m answering. He is so excited all the time. Day or night, it doesn’t make any difference to him. He is always in the bedroom.

Ann: is he some kind of predating maniac?

Liza: No, not at all. He is always in bedrooms breaking the lockers. He is a burglar.

Good jokes-Woman and Volcano

What's the difference between a woman and a volcano?

A volcano never fakes an eruption.

Really funny jokes-Saying Grace

A Sunday School teacher was trying to explain about saying grace before meals. One of the pupils was the young son of the minister of that church, so she started the discussion by asking him, "Jerry, what does your father say when the family sits down to dinner?"

Jerry answered, "Dad says, 'Go easy on the butter, kids, it's three dollars a pound!'"

Redneck jokes-Qualities of an extreme species

You're An Extreme Redneck If...


1. You think the last words of the "Star-Spangled Banner" are
"Gentlemen, start your engines."

2. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.

3. The Halloween Pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.

4. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.

5. One of your kids was born on a pool table.

6. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

7. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.

8. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

Funny jokes-Whistle

TRAFFIC POLICEMAN: "Didn't you hear my whistle, madam?"

WOMAN DRIVER: "Yes, but I don't like flirting while I'm driving."

Animal jokes-New Dog Breeds

The following breeds are now recognized by the AKC:

Collie + Lhasa Apso = Collapso, a dog that folds up easy for transporting

Spitz + Chow Chow = Spitz-Chow, a dog that throws up alot

Pointer + Setter = Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet

Great Pyrenees + Dachshund = Pyradachs, a puzzling breed

Pekingnese + Lhasa Apso = Peekasso, an abstract dog

Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel = Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle

Newfoundland + Basset Hound = Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisers

Terrier + Bulldog = Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes

Bloodhound + Labrador = Blabador, not a popular dog with CIA agents

Malamute + Pointer = Moot Point, owned by... oh, well, it doesn't matter anyway

Collie + Malamute = Commute, a dog that travels to work

Deerhound + Terrier = Derriere, a dog that's true to the end

Really funny jokes-Jumped by thugs

Sister Mary Catherine and Sister Mary Elizabeth are walking through the park when they are jumped by two thugs. Their habits are ripped from them and the men begin to assault them.

Sister Mary Catherine casts her eyes heavenward and cries, "Forgive him Lord, for he knows not what he is doing!"

Mary Elizabeth turns and says, "Mine does..."

Adult jokes-Retirement

My nookie days are over, my pilot light is out.

What used to be my appeal, is now my water spout.

Time was when, of its own accords, from my trousers it would spring.

but now I have a full time job, just to find the blasted thing.

It used to be embarrassing, the way it would behave.

For every single morning, it would stand and watch me shave.

But now as old age approaches, it sure gives me the blues.

To see it hang its withered head, and watch me tie my shoes.

Short funny jokes-God's promise

While creating Husbands, God promised Women that good and ideal Husbands would be found in all corners of the world. . .

And then he made the earth round.