Animal jokes-Walk the dog

A little girl asks her mum, 'Mum, can I take the dog for a walk around the block?'

Mom replies 'No, because she is on heat.'

'What does that mean?' asked the child.

'Go and ask your father. I think he's in the garage.'

The little girl goes out to the garage and says, 'Dad, can I take Lulu for a walk around the block? I asked Mum, but she said the dog was on the heat, and to come ask you.'

He took a rag, soaked it in petrol, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent,
and said 'Ok, you can go now, but keep Lulu on the leash and only go one time around the block.

The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash..

Surprised, Dad asked, 'Where's Lulu?'

The little girl said, 'She ran out of petrol about halfway round the block... so another dog is pushing her home.'

Funny jokes-What does Husband do?

Ann: What does your husband do?

Liza: What a husband should do.

Ann: I’m not asking about the night, but the day.

Liza: OK. He does the same during the day too.

Ann: I’m asking what he does for a living!!

Liza: That’s what I’m answering. He is so excited all the time. Day or night, it doesn’t make any difference to him. He is always in the bedroom.

Ann: is he some kind of predating maniac?

Liza: No, not at all. He is always in bedrooms breaking the lockers. He is a burglar.

Good jokes-Woman and Volcano

What's the difference between a woman and a volcano?

A volcano never fakes an eruption.

Really funny jokes-Saying Grace

A Sunday School teacher was trying to explain about saying grace before meals. One of the pupils was the young son of the minister of that church, so she started the discussion by asking him, "Jerry, what does your father say when the family sits down to dinner?"

Jerry answered, "Dad says, 'Go easy on the butter, kids, it's three dollars a pound!'"

Redneck jokes-Qualities of an extreme species

You're An Extreme Redneck If...


1. You think the last words of the "Star-Spangled Banner" are
"Gentlemen, start your engines."

2. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.

3. The Halloween Pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.

4. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.

5. One of your kids was born on a pool table.

6. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

7. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.

8. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

Funny jokes-Whistle

TRAFFIC POLICEMAN: "Didn't you hear my whistle, madam?"

WOMAN DRIVER: "Yes, but I don't like flirting while I'm driving."

Animal jokes-New Dog Breeds

The following breeds are now recognized by the AKC:

Collie + Lhasa Apso = Collapso, a dog that folds up easy for transporting

Spitz + Chow Chow = Spitz-Chow, a dog that throws up alot

Pointer + Setter = Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet

Great Pyrenees + Dachshund = Pyradachs, a puzzling breed

Pekingnese + Lhasa Apso = Peekasso, an abstract dog

Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel = Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle

Newfoundland + Basset Hound = Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisers

Terrier + Bulldog = Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes

Bloodhound + Labrador = Blabador, not a popular dog with CIA agents

Malamute + Pointer = Moot Point, owned by... oh, well, it doesn't matter anyway

Collie + Malamute = Commute, a dog that travels to work

Deerhound + Terrier = Derriere, a dog that's true to the end

Really funny jokes-Jumped by thugs

Sister Mary Catherine and Sister Mary Elizabeth are walking through the park when they are jumped by two thugs. Their habits are ripped from them and the men begin to assault them.

Sister Mary Catherine casts her eyes heavenward and cries, "Forgive him Lord, for he knows not what he is doing!"

Mary Elizabeth turns and says, "Mine does..."

Adult jokes-Retirement

My nookie days are over, my pilot light is out.

What used to be my appeal, is now my water spout.

Time was when, of its own accords, from my trousers it would spring.

but now I have a full time job, just to find the blasted thing.

It used to be embarrassing, the way it would behave.

For every single morning, it would stand and watch me shave.

But now as old age approaches, it sure gives me the blues.

To see it hang its withered head, and watch me tie my shoes.

Short funny jokes-God's promise

While creating Husbands, God promised Women that good and ideal Husbands would be found in all corners of the world. . .

And then he made the earth round.

Really funny jokes-Big fan of the Pope

A shy gentleman was preparing to board a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight.

“This is exciting,” thought the gentleman. I’ve always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I’ll be able to see him in person. Imagine his surprise when the Pope sat down in the seat next to him for the flight. Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to the Pontiff.

Shortly after take-off, the Pope began a crossword puzzle. This is fantastic, thought the gentleman. I’m really good at crosswords. Perhaps, if the Pope gets stuck, he’ll ask me for assistance.

Almost immediately, the Pope turned to the gentleman and said, “Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word referring to a woman that ends in ‘u-n-t’?”

Only one word leapt to mind…my goodness, thought the gentleman, I can’t tell the Pope that. There must be another. The gentleman thought for quite a while, then it hit him. Turning to the pope, the gentleman said, “I think you’re looking for the word ‘aunt’.”

“Ah Of course,” said the Pope. “Do you have an eraser?”

One line jokes-Lawn mowers

Men are like.....Lawn Mowers. If you're not pushing one around, then you're riding it.

Funny jokes-Living in LA

Two men were sitting side by side on an airliner flying from Denver to Los Angeles.

The first man appeared nervous and finally explained that he was being transferred to LA. "I hate Los Angeles," he said.

"Everything you hear about LA is bad -- smog, traffic, and worst of all, the crime. Gangs everywhere, people getting shot and robbed, things stolen, car jackings, and everyone hates everyone else."

"Oh, it's not that bad," said the second man. "I live in LA myself. Most of that stuff you read is media hype. It's just not true. You'll find LA is just like any other city, anywhere in America."

"Really?" responded the first. "Boy, that makes me feel a lot better. You say you live in LA -- what do you do for a living?"

"I'm a tail gunner on a Bud Lite delivery truck."

Hilarious jokes-Surf riding

Then there was the Irishman who went surf-riding.

His horse drowned.