Adult jokes | Castrated

"Doc," says Arthur, "I want to be castrated."
"What on earth for?" asks the doctor in amazement?
"It's something I've been thinking about for a long time and I want to have it done," replies Arthur.
"But have you thought it through properly?" asks the doctor.
"It's a very serious operation and once it's done, there's no going back. It will change your life forever!"
"I'm aware of that and you're not going to change my mind - either you book me in to be castrated or I'll simply go to another doctor."
"Well, O.K.," says the doctor. "But it's against my better judgment!"
So Arthur has his operation, and the next day he is up and walking very slowly, legs apart, down the hospital corridor with his drip stand. Heading toward him is another patient, who is walking exactly the same way.
"Hi there," says Arthur, "It looks as if you've just had the same operation as me."
"Well," said the patient, "I finally decided after 37 years of life that I would like to be circumcised. "
Arthur stared at him in horror. "Damn! THAT'S the word!!!"

Funny jokes-Good traits

The old man had died. A wonderful funeral was in progress and the country preacher talked at length of the good traits of the deceased, what an honest man he was, and what a loving husband and kind father he was.

Finally, the widow leaned over and whispered to one of her children, "Go up there and take a look in the coffin and see if that's your pa."

Clean jokes-Family Feet Business

I heard once of story of a family firm who cornered the feet market. One brother sold shoes, each shoe had a hidden fatal flaw. As a direct result the victim's feet needed treatment with the second brother, who was the only Chiropodist in town.

Legend had it that the chiropodist was so incompetent that the only way the victim could get home was in a taxi. You're ahead of me now, the third brother had the only taxi firm for miles around.

Adult jokes | $600 rebate!

Dr. Marc Faber concluded his monthly bulletin (June 2010) with the following: ''The federal government is sending each of us a $600 rebate. If we spend that money at Wal-Mart, the money goes to China. If we spend it on gasoline it goes to the Arabs. If we buy a computer it will go to India. If we purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Mexico, Honduras and Guatemala. If we purchase a good car it will go to Germany. If we purchase useless crap it will go to Taiwan and none of it will help the American economy. The only way to keep that money here at home is to spend it on prostitutes and beer, since these are the only products still produced in US. I've been doing my part.''

Kids jokes-Wrong feet

Greg, the three year old, put his shoes on by himself. His father, Barry, noticed that the left shoe was on the right foot and vice-versa. He sat Greg down on a chair and said quietly, 'Greg, your shoes are on the wrong feet.'

He looked up at his father with a quizzical expression and replied, 'Don't mess me about, Dad, I know they're my feet.'

Good jokes-You Know You're Getting Older (Part 4)

- You light the candles on your birthday cake, and a group of campers form a circle and start singing "Kumbaya."
- Someone compliments you on your layered look.... and you're wearing a bikini.
- You start video taping daytime game shows.
- You wonder why you waited so long to take up macramé.
- At cafeterias, you complain that the gelatin is too tough.
- Your new easy chair has more options than your car.
- Conversations with people your own age often turn into "dueling ailments."
- It takes a couple of tries to get over a speed bump.

Office jokes-Unintentional yet funny

Unintentional yet funny gaffs from real job application forms

1. "I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant."

2. "Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far."

3. "As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments."

4. "Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store."

5. "Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have never quit a job."

6. "Marital status: often. Children: various."

7. "Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 am every morning. I couldn't work under those conditions."

8. "The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers.

9. "Finished eighth in my class of ten."

10. "References: none. I've left a path of destruction behind me."

One liner jokes - Automobile ad

Automobile Service advertisement as appeared in news paper.

Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once; you’ll never go anywhere again.

Hilarious jokes-Only one not to answer

Mother: "Why are you home from school so early?"

Son: "I was the only one who could answer a question."

Mother: "Oh, really? What was the question?"

Son: "Who threw the blackboard duster at the teacher?”

Really funny stuff-A Good Pun Is Its Own Reword

A Good Pun Is Its Own Reword

* Energizer Bunny arrested - charged with battery.

* A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.

* Practice safe eating - always use condiments.

* A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.

* Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

* I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

* Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.

* Corduroy pillows are making headlines.

* Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?

* Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

* Banning the bra was a big flop.

* Sea captains don't like crew cuts.

* Alarms: What an octopus is.

* Dockyard: A physician's garden.

* Incongruous: Where bills are passed.

* Khakis: What you need to start the car in Boston.

* Oboe: An English tramp.

* Pasteurize: Too far to see.

* Propaganda: A gentlemanly goose.

* Toboggan: Why we go to an auction.

Really funny jokes-When it's okay to fart in public

When It's Okay To Fart In Public

~^~ In your boss' office as you are turning to leave. Tip- Make sure it's a silent one.

~^~ In a bathroom.

~^~ In a cashier's line - it might help to speed up things.

~^~ In an empty elevator before you get off.

~^~ Next to an occupied changing room - it may quickly become unoccupied.

~^~ In someone else's unoccupied cubicle at work.

~^~ While parachuting.

~^~ While scuba diving.

~^~ In the back seat of a patrol car if you are arrested.

~^~ During interrogation if you're the one being interrogated.

~^~ In your car if you've been carjacked.

~^~ In the changing room when you're sure someone else is waiting his/her turn.

~^~ In your car once you've been pulled over… the cop may let you go quicker.

~^~ During a pie eating competition to distract your competitors.

~^~ While walking down a crowded hallway. Nobody will know whom to

Adult jokes | Private part

A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Sam, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery: Sam had the longest private part he had ever seen!"I'm sorry Mr. Sam," said the mortician, "but I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be saved for posterity. "And with that the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's distinguishing member. The coroner stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed was his wife."I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened his briefcase. "Oh, my God!" she screamed, "Sam is dead!"

Short funny jokes-How many professors

How many law professors does it take to change a light bulb?

Hell, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.

Funny jokes-Identifying bacteria

A group of students had a biology lab. As a part of this lab they were supposed to scrape some bacteria off their teeth with a toothpick and then examine it under the microscope.

But this one girl had some problems identifying her bacteria and asked the professor what they were.

"Those are sperm cells", replied the Professor.