Humor jokes-Steak

John was furious when his steak arrived too rare.
"Waiter," he shouted, "Didn't you hear me say 'well done'?"
"I can't thank you enough, sir," replied the waiter. "I hardly ever get a compliment."

Really funny jokes-Free drinks

A man in a bar had a couple of beers and the bartender told him he owed four dollars.
"But I paid, don't you remember?" said the customer.
"OK," said the bartender. "If you say you paid, then you did."
The man went outside and told a friend that the bartender couldn't keep track of his customers' bills. The second man rushed in and ordered a beer. When it came time to pay he pulled the same stunt.
The barkeep replied, "If you say you paid, I'll take your word for it."
Soon the customer went into the street, saw an old friend, and told him how to get free drinks.
The man hurried into the bar and began to drink shots when suddenly, the bartender leaned over and said, "You know, a funny thing happened in here tonight. Two men were drinking beer, neither paid and both claimed that they did. The next guy who tries that is going to get punched right in the nose."
"Don't bother me with your troubles," the final patron responded. "Just give me my change and I'll be on my way."

Doctor jokes-Surgery

"I had surgery this year. Nothing serious, thank God. But just before I went under I heard the one thing you don't want to hear, 'Where's my lucky scalpel?'"
-Jonathan Ketz

Really funny jokes-Rest in peace

A new widow requested the epitaph "Rest in Peace" for her husband's tombstone. When she later found he had left his fortune to his mistress, she attempted to get the engraver to change the carving.
This was impossible; the words were chiseled and could not be changed.
"In that case," she said, "please add 'Till We Meet Again.'"

Kids jokes-Swallow the coin

My husband and I had just finished tucking our five young ones into bed one evening when we heard sobbing coming from three-year-old Billy's room. Rushing to his side, we found him crying hysterically. He had accidentally swallowed a penny and was sure he was going to die - no amount of talking could change his mind.
Desperate to calm him, my husband palmed a penny that he happened to have in his pocket and pretended to pull it from Billy's ear. Billy was delighted. In a flash, he snatched it from my husband's hand, swallowed it, and demanded cheerfully, "Do it again, Dad!"

Really funny jokes-Punishment

A newspaper reporter was writing a feature story about prison life and was interviewing one of the prisoners. "Do you watch much television here?"
"Only the daytime shows," the inmate said. "At night we're locked in our cells and don't see any television."
"That's too bad," the reporter said, "But I do think it is nice that the warden lets you watch it in the daytime."
"What do you mean, nice?" the inmate said. "That's part of the punishment!

Humor jokes-Tribe

A bishop discovered a tribe of Indians in the Yukon who had never recorded a baptism, confirmation, or marriage. The bishop soon rectified the situation by baptizing and confirming everyone. He also married every beaming couple that walked by.
Later, the tribal chief told the bishop the tribe had never had so much fun. The bishop asked the chief which part they enjoyed the most.
"The marriage service," the chief said, smiling. "We all got new wives!"

Short doctor jokes-Two places

When I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places, he told me to stop going to those places.

Really funny jokes-Same as me

The Boston taxi driver backed into the stationary fruit stall and within seconds he had a cop beside him.
"Name?"
"Brendan O'Connor."
"Same as mine. Where are you from?"
"County Cork."
"Same as me......"
The policeman paused with his pen in the air.
"Hold on a moment and I'll come back and talk about the old county. I want to say something to this fella that ran into the back of your cab."

Humor in uniform-Three Day Pass

Jacob Adler had just enlisted in the Israeli Army. Monday morning, he reported for duty. He became Private Adler.
The next day, he learned that his best friend had moved his wedding to that weekend, so he asked his Commanding Officer for a three day Pass.
"Are you crazy?" the CO replied. "You just enlisted and you already want a three day pass? You will have to do something spectacular for that recognition! " he added. He then walked away.
Later that day, Private Adler came back in an Arab tank. The CO ran out to greet him.
"I can't believe it!" he said. "You've captured an Arab tank! How did you do it?"
"Let's just say I used what I got up here," the private answered, tapping the side of his head.
"Ah, won't share your secrets, huh?" the CO said. "Well, good going, Private. You've certainly earned your three day pass!"
All excited, the CO jumped in the tank and drove it to the base headquarters. Private Adler started toward his barrack.
"Jacob! Wait up!" his friend called out as he ran up to him. He caught up with the private. "How did you do it?" he asked.
Private Adler looked around and then answered, "It was like this. I jumped in a tank and drove it to the Arab border. I saw an Arab tank on the other side, so I popped my head out and raised a white flag to get his attention. When the Arab soldier popped his head out of his tank, I said, "Hey! Do you want to get a three day pass?" He said,
"Yes!" I said, "Me too!" So we switched tanks!"

Humor jokes-Jewelery

Mrs. Johnson decided to have her own portrait painted by a very famous artist.

She told the artist, "Paint me with 3- carat diamond earrings, a large diamond necklace, glimmering emerald bracelets, and a beautiful red ruby pendant."

"But ma'am, you are not wearing any of those things."

"I know," said Mrs. Johnson. "My health is not good and my husband is having an affair with his secretary. When I die I'm sure he will marry her, and I want that fool to go nuts looking for the jewelry."

Really funny jokes-Court Stenographer

A man who had never been in a court of law before was put on the stand as a witness.
The court stenographer recorded every word he said.
The man started to talk faster.
The stenographer' s fingers flew across her keyboard.
The man spoke even faster, but finally came to an abrupt halt and said, "Miss, will you stop writing so fast? I can't keep up with you!"

Office jokes clean -Heating the nut

I was working in a scrap yard repairing construction equipment. One afternoon, I was taking apart a piling hammer that had some very large bolts holding it together.
One of the nuts had corroded on to the bolt; to free it, I started heating the nut with an oxy-acetylene torch. As I was doing this, one of the dimmest apprentices I have ever known came along.
He asked me what I was doing. I patiently explained that if I heated the nut, it would grow larger and release its grip on the bolt so I could then remove it.
"So things get larger when they get hot, do they?" he asked.
Suddenly, an idea flashed into my mind. "Yes," I said, "that's why days are longer in summer and shorter in winter."
There was a long pause, then his face cleared. "You know, I always wondered about that," he said.

Kids jokes-Emergency

At a children's hospital, a little boy about three years old was brought into the emergency room. He had filled both ears with tiny pebbles.
After working over an hour to remove the stones, the doctor asked, "Son, why would you stuff so many pebbles in your ears?"
"Because," he replied matter-of-factly, "they kept falling out of my nose."