Really funny jokes-Same as me

The Boston taxi driver backed into the stationary fruit stall and within seconds he had a cop beside him.
"Name?"
"Brendan O'Connor."
"Same as mine. Where are you from?"
"County Cork."
"Same as me......"
The policeman paused with his pen in the air.
"Hold on a moment and I'll come back and talk about the old county. I want to say something to this fella that ran into the back of your cab."

Humor in uniform-Three Day Pass

Jacob Adler had just enlisted in the Israeli Army. Monday morning, he reported for duty. He became Private Adler.
The next day, he learned that his best friend had moved his wedding to that weekend, so he asked his Commanding Officer for a three day Pass.
"Are you crazy?" the CO replied. "You just enlisted and you already want a three day pass? You will have to do something spectacular for that recognition! " he added. He then walked away.
Later that day, Private Adler came back in an Arab tank. The CO ran out to greet him.
"I can't believe it!" he said. "You've captured an Arab tank! How did you do it?"
"Let's just say I used what I got up here," the private answered, tapping the side of his head.
"Ah, won't share your secrets, huh?" the CO said. "Well, good going, Private. You've certainly earned your three day pass!"
All excited, the CO jumped in the tank and drove it to the base headquarters. Private Adler started toward his barrack.
"Jacob! Wait up!" his friend called out as he ran up to him. He caught up with the private. "How did you do it?" he asked.
Private Adler looked around and then answered, "It was like this. I jumped in a tank and drove it to the Arab border. I saw an Arab tank on the other side, so I popped my head out and raised a white flag to get his attention. When the Arab soldier popped his head out of his tank, I said, "Hey! Do you want to get a three day pass?" He said,
"Yes!" I said, "Me too!" So we switched tanks!"

Humor jokes-Jewelery

Mrs. Johnson decided to have her own portrait painted by a very famous artist.

She told the artist, "Paint me with 3- carat diamond earrings, a large diamond necklace, glimmering emerald bracelets, and a beautiful red ruby pendant."

"But ma'am, you are not wearing any of those things."

"I know," said Mrs. Johnson. "My health is not good and my husband is having an affair with his secretary. When I die I'm sure he will marry her, and I want that fool to go nuts looking for the jewelry."

Really funny jokes-Court Stenographer

A man who had never been in a court of law before was put on the stand as a witness.
The court stenographer recorded every word he said.
The man started to talk faster.
The stenographer' s fingers flew across her keyboard.
The man spoke even faster, but finally came to an abrupt halt and said, "Miss, will you stop writing so fast? I can't keep up with you!"

Office jokes clean -Heating the nut

I was working in a scrap yard repairing construction equipment. One afternoon, I was taking apart a piling hammer that had some very large bolts holding it together.
One of the nuts had corroded on to the bolt; to free it, I started heating the nut with an oxy-acetylene torch. As I was doing this, one of the dimmest apprentices I have ever known came along.
He asked me what I was doing. I patiently explained that if I heated the nut, it would grow larger and release its grip on the bolt so I could then remove it.
"So things get larger when they get hot, do they?" he asked.
Suddenly, an idea flashed into my mind. "Yes," I said, "that's why days are longer in summer and shorter in winter."
There was a long pause, then his face cleared. "You know, I always wondered about that," he said.

Kids jokes-Emergency

At a children's hospital, a little boy about three years old was brought into the emergency room. He had filled both ears with tiny pebbles.
After working over an hour to remove the stones, the doctor asked, "Son, why would you stuff so many pebbles in your ears?"
"Because," he replied matter-of-factly, "they kept falling out of my nose."

Really funny jokes-Riddle

A Norwegian took a trip to Fargo, North Dakota. While in a bar, an Indian on the next stool spoke to the Norwegian in a friendly manner.
"Look," he said, "let's have a little game. I'll ask you a riddle. If you can answer it, I'll buy you a drink. If you can't then you buy me one. OK?"
"Ja, dat sounds purty good," said the Norwegian.
The Indian said, "My father and mother had one child. It wasn't my brother. It wasn't my sister. Who was it?"
The Norwegian scratched his head and finally said, "I give up. Who vas it?"
"It was ME," chortled the Indian.
So the Norwegian paid for the drinks.
Back in Sioux Falls the Norwegian went into the bar and spotted one of his cronies.
"Sven," he said, "I got a game. If you can answer a question, I'll buy you a drink. If you can't, you have to buy me vun. Fair enough?"
"Fair enough," said Sven.
"Ok," the Norwegian said, "my father and mudder had vun child. It vasn't my brudder. It vasn't my sister. Who vas it?"
"Search me," said Sven. "I give up, who vas it?"
The Norwegian burst out, "It vas some Indian up in Fargo, North Dakota!"

Clean jokes-Haircut

Boss: You got your hair cut on company time.
Susie: It grew on company time.
Boss: Not all that hair.
Susie: I didn't get it all cut.

Humour Jokes Funny -Twins

Already the father of two rambunctious boys, the husband was thrilled when the doctor announced they were going to have twins this time. He told his wife that she should start thinking of names.
"Well, let's see." she said. "We already have Adolph and Rudolph. How about Getoff and Stayoff ?"

Really funny jokes-Bad check

A news story said the police caught a guy trying to cash a phony check and took him down to the station.
While the officers were distracted, the crook grabbed the check off the desk and swallowed it with no problem: the police then waited five or six hours and then charged the guy with passing a bad check twice.

One wish

One night a blonde nun was praying in her room when God appeared before her.

"My daughter, you have pleased me greatly. Your heart is full of love for your fellow creatures and your actions and prayers are always for the benefit of others. I have come to you, not only to thank and commend you, but to grant you anything you wish."

"Dear Heavenly Father, I am perfectly happy. I am a bride of Christ. I am doing what I love. I lack for nothing material since the church supports me. I am content in all ways."

"There must be something you would have of me," said God.

"Well, there is one thing," she said.

"Just name it," said God.

"It's those blonde jokes. They are so demeaning to blondes everywhere, not just to me. I would like for blond jokes to stop."

"Consider it done," said God. "Blond jokes shall be stricken from the minds of humans. But surely there is something that I could do just for you."

"There is one thing. But it's really small, and not worth your time," said the nun.

"Name it. Please," said God.

"It's the M&M's," said the nun. "They're so hard to peel!"

Clean jokes-Bill

A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.
After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"
"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."
The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try.
The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills. When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.

Humor jokes-Pregnant

A young lass confesses to her mother that she's pregnant.
Following the initial bawling-out, the mother calms down and asks, "Well, is he going to do the 'right' thing?"
"Of course, mom!" replied the daughter. "He says I can keep the baby."

Doctor jokes-Forgetful

The man looked a little worried when the doctor came in to administer his annual physical, so the first thing the doctor did was to ask whether anything was troubling him.
"Well, to tell the truth, Doc, yes," answered the patient. "You see, I seem to be getting forgetful. I'm never sure I can remember where I put the car, or whether I answered a letter, or where I'm going, or what it is I'm going to do once I get there - if I get there; so I really need your help. What can I do?"
The doctor mused for a moment, then answered in his kindest tones, "Pay me in advance."