Funny jokes-To be a detective

Three friends were all applying for the last available position on The Texas Highway Patrol. The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, "So y'all want to be cops, huh?"

The friends all nodded.

The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a folder.

Sitting back down, he opened it and pulled out a picture, and said, "To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities such as scars and so forth."

So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first guy and withdrew it after about two seconds. "Now," he said, "did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?"

The first guy immediately said, "Yes, I did. He has only one eye!"

The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It's a profile of his face! You're dismissed!"

The first guy hung her head and walked out of the office.

The Detective then turned to the second guy, stuck the photo in his face for two seconds, pulled it back and said, "What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?"

"Yes! He only has one ear!"

The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, "Didn't you hear what I just told the other guy? This is a profile of the man's face! Of course you can only see one ear!! You're excused too!"

The second guy sheepishly walked out of the office.

The detective turned his attention to the third and last guy and said, "This is probably a waste of time, but..."
He flashed the photo in his face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, "All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?"

The guy said, "I sure did. This man wears contact lenses."

The detective frowned, took another look at the picture and began looking at some of the papers in the folder.

He looked up at the guy with a puzzled expression and said, "You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?"

The guy rolled her eyes and said, "Well, Helloooo! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses."

Humor jokes-Chivalry

"Your Honor," a man said in divorce court, "My wife is just being ridiculous. Most women would love to have a husband who still believes in chivalry and I was only opening the car door for her out of chivalry."
"Ordinarily that would be true," replied the judge, "But I don't buy that it was out of chivalry. Apparently, you left out the part where you were driving down the highway at 65 MPH at the time."

Really funny jokes-Furniture Disease

Max went into the doctor's office for his annual checkup, and the Doc asked if there was anything unusual he should know about.
So Max told the Doc that his suit must have shrunk over the last year, because it didn't fit when he went to get ready for a wedding recently.
The Doc said, "Suits don't shrink just sitting in a closet. You probably put on a few pounds."
"That's just it, Doc, I know I haven't gained a single pound since the last time I wore it."
"Well, then," said Doc, "You must have a case of Furniture Disease."
"What in the world is Furniture Disease?" asked Max.
"That's when your chest starts sliding down into your drawers."

Clean jokes-Religious teachers

A priest, a minister, a rabbi and a moulvi were all sitting at a table, finishing dinner and discussing theology. Suddenly an angel appeared before them.
"I have been sent to grant each of you one wish," he said. "Who will go first?"
The catholic priest stood up.
"I wish for the destruction of all protestants! "
Then the protestant minister bolted up.
"I wish for the destruction of all catholics!"
The rabbi stood up.
"I wish return of the Jews to their native lands, to fill in the gap to be left after all protestants and catholics are gone."
The Moulvi kept seated, so the angel asked, "How about you? What do you wish for, Moulana?"
The moulvi answered, "Well, if you're going to grant their wishes, I'll just settle for another cup of tea."

Really funny jokes-spelling

Little Johnny was in class and the teacher announced that they were going to try something different to help everyone get to know each other a little better, and to help with their spelling. She explained, "I want you to stand up and give us the occupation of your father, spell it, and say one thing he would give us all if he were here today."
The first student raised her hand to volunteer.
"Marcy," the teacher said. "You may go first."
Marcy replied, "My father is a banker. B-A-N-K-E-R and if he was here today, he would give us all a shiny new penny."
The teacher said, "Very nice, Marcy, who wants to go next?"
Kevin stood up and announced, "My father is a baker. B-A-K-E-R and if he was here today, he would give us all a freshly-baked cookie."
"Very good," the teacher told Kevin.
Jeff was next, and he said, "My father is an accountant. A-K, no wait, A-C-K, no..."
Before he could attempt to spell it once more, the teacher cut him off and told him to sit back down and to think about it for a while. When he thought he knew how to spell it, he could stand back up and try again.
Little Johnny raised his hand in excitement hoping to be acknowledged by the teacher.
The teacher called on little Johnny to go next.
Johnny said, "My father is a bookie. B-O-O-K-I-E and if he was here today, he would give us all 20:1 odds Jeff will never be able to spell 'accountant'".

Doctor jokes-Die

"Doctor, are you sure I'm suffering from pneumonia? I've heared once about a doctor treating someone with pneumonia and finally he died of typhus."
"Don't worry, it won't happen to me. If I treat someone with pneumonia he will die of pneumonia."

Short humor jokes

Q: What did one sand pile say to the other sand pile?
A: Whatchya dune?

Q: What did the religious carrot say to the greens?
A: Lettuce pray

Q: What's the most common cause of hearing loss amongst men?
A: Wife saying she wants to talk to him.

Q: What did the ocean say to the shore?
A: Nothing, it just waved.

Q: What do you call a Jewish wife who catches her husband in bed with his secretary?
A: "The Plaintiff."

Really funny jokes-Barking

Chris and Pat are in their residence listening to the neighbor's dog, who has been in the backyard barking for hours and hours. Finally, Chris jumps up and says, 'I've had enough of this!'
Rushing downstairs, Chris finally returns, and Pat says, 'The dog is still barking, what have you been doing?'
Chris says, 'I've put the dog in our backyard, let's see how they like it.'

Funny jokes-Turkey

"Would you please help me?" Betty asked. "I bought a nine-pound turkey. Could you tell me how long to cook it in my new microwave?"

"Just a minute" the food editor said as he turned to check his reference book.

"Oh thank you" she said. "You've been a big help. Good-bye!"

Short humor jokes

What is the difference between men and pigs?
Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.

Really funny jokes-UFO

A flying saucer landed at a gas station on a lonely country road. The two space aliens inside seemed completely unconcerned about detection; in fact, the letters "UFO" were emblazoned in big, bold letters on one side of their shiny craft.

As the station owner stood and gawked in silence, paralyzed with shock, his young attendant nonchalantly filled up the tank and then waved to the two aliens as they took off.

"Do you realize what just happened?"  The station owner finally uttered.

"Yeah," said the attendant. "So?"

"Didn't you see the space aliens in that vehicle?!"

"Yeah," repeated the attendant. "So?"

"Didn't you see the letters 'UFO' on the side of that vehicle?!"

"Yeah," repeated the attendant.

"So?"

"Don't you know what 'UFO' means?!"

The attendant rolled her eyes. "Good grief, boss! I've been working here for five years. Of course I know what 'UFO' means - it means 'Unleaded Fuel Only'.

Jokes for kids - food jokes

Billy's mother was dropping him off at the carnival while she did shopping and errands.
"Enjoy yourself, dear!" she said as she handed Billy a large string of carnival tickets.
"Oh, boy! I will!" Billy said as he took the tickets and ran toward the festivities.
Several hours later, Billy's mother returned. She sought him out sitting on a bench not looking so good.
"Well, are you enjoying yourself, dear?" she asked.
"I am but my stomach isn't!" Billy replied. "The ice cream sundae, cotton candy, pizza pie and hot dog I ate is making me wanna throw up!"
"Well it serves you right!" the mother lectured. "Who told you to buy all that JUNK FOOD?"
"What else could I do?" the boy bellowed as he held up the remainder of the carnival tickets. "You gave me all this JUNK MONEY!"

Humor jokes-Mine collapse

There was a mine in a small town that completely collapsed. One of the engineers who miraculously survived the disaster went into the local watering hole.
The bar was empty except for one lonely soul at the other end of the bar. "Hey bartender" said the Engineer, "I'll have a beer and pour another one for my friend down at the end there."
The bartender responded, "I'm sorry sir but that guy's a commie and we don't serve his kind around here."
"Well, you'd better because if it weren't for that guy, I wouldn't be here. You remember that mine that caved in, well I was in that mine and so was that guy. When the last of us were escaping, he held the roof of the mine up with his head! So get him a beer and if you don't believe me, look at the top of his head and you'll see that it's flat from holding the roof up."
The bartender skeptically served the commie his beer and then came back to talk to the Engineer: "I saw the flat spot on his head but I also couldn't help noticing the bruising under his chin. What is that all about?"
The engineer responded: "Oh...that's where we put the jack."

Really funny short jokes-Anything to wear

When a woman goes to her closet and says, "I don't have anything to wear," she really means "I don't have anything NEW to wear."
When a man goes to his closet and says, "I don't have anything to wear," what he really means is "I don't have anything CLEAN to wear."