short humor jokes-the hand

Q: How do the little boys at Michael Jackson's ranch know when it is bedtime?
A: When the big hand touches the little hand...

Really Funny Jokes-My Doctor

Let me tell you about my doctor.
He's very good.
If you tell him you want a second opinion,
he'll go out and come in again.
~
He treated one woman for yellow jaundice for three years
before he realized she was Chinese.
~
Another time he gave a patient six months to live.
At the end of the six months, the patient hadn't paid his bill,
so the doctor gave him another six months.
~
While he was talking to me, his nurse came in and said,
"Doctor, there is a man here who thinks he's invisible."
The doctor said, "Tell him I can't see him."
~
Another time, a man came running in the office and yelled,
"Doctor, doctor!! -my son just swallowed a roll of film!!"
The doctor calmly replied, "Let's just wait and see what develops."
~
One patient came in and said, "Doctor, I have a serious memory problem."
The doctor asked, "When did it start?"
The man replied, "When did what start?"
~
I remember one time I told my doctor I
had a ringing in my ears. His advice: "Don't answer it."
~
My doctor sure has his share of nut cases.
One said to him, "Doctor, I think I'm a bell."
The doctor gave him some pills and said, "Here, take these -
if they don't work, give me a ring."
~
Another guy told the doctor that he thought he was a deck of cards.
The doctor simply said, "Go sit over there. I'll deal with you later."
~
When I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places,
he told me to stop going to those places.
~
You know, doctors can be so frustrating.
You wait a month and a half for an appointment,
then he says, "I wish you had come to me sooner."

sardar jokes

Santa and Banta were drawing money from ATM
SANTA : i have seen your password - it's 4 stars( ****)
BANTA : ha ha ha ha..... wrong, it's 1258

Funny jokes-The divorcee parents

DIVORCED FATHER: "Daughter, when you go back to your Mom's house tonight, give her this envelope and tell her that since you are now 18, this is the last cheque she'll ever see from me for child support. Then, stand back and watch the expression on her face."

Later...
DAUGHTER: "Mom, Dad asked me to give you this envelope. He said to tell you that since I'm now 18, this is the last child support payment he'll ever have to make to you. Now I'm supposed to stand back and watch the expression on your face."

Later...
DIVORCED MOTHER: "Next time you visit your father, tell him that after 18 years I have decided to inform him that he's not your father...... then, stand back and watch the expression on his face!!

Really Funny Jokes-Taxi Driver

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed , lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.
For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"
The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much. "
The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years."

Really Funny Jokes-Top 10 swimming pickup lines

10."I noticed you thrashing around. Would you like to hold onto my floaties?"
9. "You do know how to inflate your raft, don't you? Just put your lips together and blow."
8. "I'm worried about you getting a sunburn. How about I cover you with my body?"
7. "Don't save me! Let me go down three times."
6. "Wanna go back to my place and do something about that shrinkage?"
5. "Come on, I'm a wealthy neglected housewife, you're a pool boy. It's practically required by law that you do me."
4. "Sorry, babe, did I make you all wet?"
3. "Now how'd you manage to fit that great big thing into that little ol' Speedo?"
2. "Wanna join the 9-foot-deep- end-of-the- pool club?"
and the Number 1 Swimming Pool Pickup Line...
1 "If everybody here accidentally drowned, the first bloated corpse I'd pull out would be yours, sweetheart."

Humor jokes-questions

A father and his small son were out walking one afternoon when the youngster asked how the electricity went through the wires stretched between the telephone poles.
"Don't know," said the father. "Never knew much about electricity. " A few blocks farther on the boy asked what caused lightning and thunder.
"To tell the truth," said the father, "I never exactly understood that myself."
The boy continued to ask questions throughout the walk, none of which the father could explain. Finally, as they were nearing home, the boy asked,
"Pop, I hope you don't mind my asking so many questions... "
"Of course not", replied the father. "How else are you going to learn?"

Really Funny Jokes-Instrument

A very distinguished lady was on a plane arriving from Switzerland. She found herself seated next to a nice priest whom she asked: Excuse me Father, could I ask a favor?"
"Of course my child, What can I do for you?"
Here is the problem, I bought myself a new sophisticated hair remover gadget for which I paid an enormous sum of money. I have really gone over the declaration limits and I am worried that they will confiscate it at customs. Do you think you could hide it under your cassock?"
Of course I could, my child, but you must realize that I can not lie."
You have such an honest face Father, I am sure they will not ask you any questions", and she gave him the hair remover.
The aircraft arrived at its destination. When the priest presented himself to customs he was asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"
From the top of my head to my sash, I have nothing to declare, my son, he replied.
Finding this reply strange, the customs officer asked, "And from the sash down, what do you have?"
The priest replied, "I have there a marvelous little instrument destined for use by women, but which has never been used."
Breaking out in laughter, the customs officer said, "Go ahead Father. Next!

short humor jokes-Honesty

Boss (to the new employee): We are very keen on cleanliness. Did you wipe your feet on the mat as you came in?
New employee: Yes, sir.
Boss: We are also keen on truthfulness. There is no mat.

sardar jokes

Santa Singh died and went to heaven. When he got to the pearly gate Saint Peter told him that new rules were in effect due to the advances in education on earth.
In order to gain admittance a prospective heavenly soul must answer two questions:
1. Name two days of the week that begin with "T".
2. How many seconds are there in a year?
Santa thought for a few minutes and answered...
1. The two days of the week that begin with "T" are Today and Tomorrow.
2. There are 12 seconds in a year.
Saint Peter said, "OK, I'll buy the Today and Tomorrow, even though it's not the answer I expected, so your answer is correct.
But how did you get only 12 seconds in a year?"
Santa replied, "Well, January 2nd, February 2nd,March 2nd, etc...."
Saint Peter lets him in without another word....

Really funny jokes-Someone under bed

Mike goes to a psychiatrist. "Doc, he says, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed I think there is somebody under it. I get under the bed and I think there's somebody on top of it. Top, under, under top. I'm going crazy!! Can you help me?
"Put yourself in my hands for two years, come to me three times a week and I'll cure you," says the shrink.
"OK, but how much do you charge for this?, asks Mike."
"A hundred dollars per visit," says the psychiatrist.
And Mike replies, "I'll think about it."
He never went back. Some time later he met the doctor on the street. "Why didn't you come to see me again?," asks the psychiatrist.
"$100.00 a visit," Mike says. "Why should I want to pay a hundred bucks a visit? My bartender cured me 100% for just ten dollars."
"Is that so! says the shrink. "Just how did he do that?"
And Mike says, "He told me to cut the legs off my bed."

Sardar joke

Jasmeet caught her husband Santa Singh searching high and low all around his living room.
Jasmeet: 'What are you searching for?'
Santa: 'Hidden cameras!'
Jasmeet: 'And what makes you think that there are hidden cameras here?'
Santa: 'That guy on TV knows exactly what I am doing.
Why every few minutes he keeps saying 'You are watching MTV! How does he know that?'

Really funny jokes-The Cure

There was a man who had a wife and she had a problem responding to his desires. This continued for about 6 months. As frustration was welling up within him he decided to see a doctor about his wife's lack of attention toward him.
The doctor, being of the wise kind, gave this man a bottle of pills and said to him, "Now, just before your wife retires give her a cup of milk and slip a couple of these pills in and before you know it she will be more than obliging."
So he goes home very excited and when night comes he offers his wife a cup of milk and slips in a couple of those pills.
He then says to himself, "Now why should she have all the fun?"
So he pours himself a cup and puts the whole bottle into his cup. He takes both cups to his wife in bed and they talk for a bit and drink the milk.
After a half hour, both fall asleep.
Then, the wife suddenly sits up straight in bed, pounds her husband and says, "Darling, Darling! Wake up! Wake up! I need a man now!"
The husband sits up straight and shouts, "So do I! So do I!"

short humor jokes-dollar for old lady

A little girl asked her mother for a dollar to give to an old lady in the park. Her mother was touched by the child's kindness, and gave her the required sum.
"There you are, my dear," said the mother. "But, tell me, isn't the lady able to work any more?"
"Oh yes," came the reply. "She sells candy."