Funny jokes-The divorcee parents

DIVORCED FATHER: "Daughter, when you go back to your Mom's house tonight, give her this envelope and tell her that since you are now 18, this is the last cheque she'll ever see from me for child support. Then, stand back and watch the expression on her face."

Later...
DAUGHTER: "Mom, Dad asked me to give you this envelope. He said to tell you that since I'm now 18, this is the last child support payment he'll ever have to make to you. Now I'm supposed to stand back and watch the expression on your face."

Later...
DIVORCED MOTHER: "Next time you visit your father, tell him that after 18 years I have decided to inform him that he's not your father...... then, stand back and watch the expression on his face!!

Really Funny Jokes-Taxi Driver

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed , lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.
For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"
The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much. "
The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years."

Really Funny Jokes-Top 10 swimming pickup lines

10."I noticed you thrashing around. Would you like to hold onto my floaties?"
9. "You do know how to inflate your raft, don't you? Just put your lips together and blow."
8. "I'm worried about you getting a sunburn. How about I cover you with my body?"
7. "Don't save me! Let me go down three times."
6. "Wanna go back to my place and do something about that shrinkage?"
5. "Come on, I'm a wealthy neglected housewife, you're a pool boy. It's practically required by law that you do me."
4. "Sorry, babe, did I make you all wet?"
3. "Now how'd you manage to fit that great big thing into that little ol' Speedo?"
2. "Wanna join the 9-foot-deep- end-of-the- pool club?"
and the Number 1 Swimming Pool Pickup Line...
1 "If everybody here accidentally drowned, the first bloated corpse I'd pull out would be yours, sweetheart."

Humor jokes-questions

A father and his small son were out walking one afternoon when the youngster asked how the electricity went through the wires stretched between the telephone poles.
"Don't know," said the father. "Never knew much about electricity. " A few blocks farther on the boy asked what caused lightning and thunder.
"To tell the truth," said the father, "I never exactly understood that myself."
The boy continued to ask questions throughout the walk, none of which the father could explain. Finally, as they were nearing home, the boy asked,
"Pop, I hope you don't mind my asking so many questions... "
"Of course not", replied the father. "How else are you going to learn?"

Really Funny Jokes-Instrument

A very distinguished lady was on a plane arriving from Switzerland. She found herself seated next to a nice priest whom she asked: Excuse me Father, could I ask a favor?"
"Of course my child, What can I do for you?"
Here is the problem, I bought myself a new sophisticated hair remover gadget for which I paid an enormous sum of money. I have really gone over the declaration limits and I am worried that they will confiscate it at customs. Do you think you could hide it under your cassock?"
Of course I could, my child, but you must realize that I can not lie."
You have such an honest face Father, I am sure they will not ask you any questions", and she gave him the hair remover.
The aircraft arrived at its destination. When the priest presented himself to customs he was asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"
From the top of my head to my sash, I have nothing to declare, my son, he replied.
Finding this reply strange, the customs officer asked, "And from the sash down, what do you have?"
The priest replied, "I have there a marvelous little instrument destined for use by women, but which has never been used."
Breaking out in laughter, the customs officer said, "Go ahead Father. Next!

short humor jokes-Honesty

Boss (to the new employee): We are very keen on cleanliness. Did you wipe your feet on the mat as you came in?
New employee: Yes, sir.
Boss: We are also keen on truthfulness. There is no mat.

sardar jokes

Santa Singh died and went to heaven. When he got to the pearly gate Saint Peter told him that new rules were in effect due to the advances in education on earth.
In order to gain admittance a prospective heavenly soul must answer two questions:
1. Name two days of the week that begin with "T".
2. How many seconds are there in a year?
Santa thought for a few minutes and answered...
1. The two days of the week that begin with "T" are Today and Tomorrow.
2. There are 12 seconds in a year.
Saint Peter said, "OK, I'll buy the Today and Tomorrow, even though it's not the answer I expected, so your answer is correct.
But how did you get only 12 seconds in a year?"
Santa replied, "Well, January 2nd, February 2nd,March 2nd, etc...."
Saint Peter lets him in without another word....

Really funny jokes-Someone under bed

Mike goes to a psychiatrist. "Doc, he says, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed I think there is somebody under it. I get under the bed and I think there's somebody on top of it. Top, under, under top. I'm going crazy!! Can you help me?
"Put yourself in my hands for two years, come to me three times a week and I'll cure you," says the shrink.
"OK, but how much do you charge for this?, asks Mike."
"A hundred dollars per visit," says the psychiatrist.
And Mike replies, "I'll think about it."
He never went back. Some time later he met the doctor on the street. "Why didn't you come to see me again?," asks the psychiatrist.
"$100.00 a visit," Mike says. "Why should I want to pay a hundred bucks a visit? My bartender cured me 100% for just ten dollars."
"Is that so! says the shrink. "Just how did he do that?"
And Mike says, "He told me to cut the legs off my bed."

Sardar joke

Jasmeet caught her husband Santa Singh searching high and low all around his living room.
Jasmeet: 'What are you searching for?'
Santa: 'Hidden cameras!'
Jasmeet: 'And what makes you think that there are hidden cameras here?'
Santa: 'That guy on TV knows exactly what I am doing.
Why every few minutes he keeps saying 'You are watching MTV! How does he know that?'

Really funny jokes-The Cure

There was a man who had a wife and she had a problem responding to his desires. This continued for about 6 months. As frustration was welling up within him he decided to see a doctor about his wife's lack of attention toward him.
The doctor, being of the wise kind, gave this man a bottle of pills and said to him, "Now, just before your wife retires give her a cup of milk and slip a couple of these pills in and before you know it she will be more than obliging."
So he goes home very excited and when night comes he offers his wife a cup of milk and slips in a couple of those pills.
He then says to himself, "Now why should she have all the fun?"
So he pours himself a cup and puts the whole bottle into his cup. He takes both cups to his wife in bed and they talk for a bit and drink the milk.
After a half hour, both fall asleep.
Then, the wife suddenly sits up straight in bed, pounds her husband and says, "Darling, Darling! Wake up! Wake up! I need a man now!"
The husband sits up straight and shouts, "So do I! So do I!"

short humor jokes-dollar for old lady

A little girl asked her mother for a dollar to give to an old lady in the park. Her mother was touched by the child's kindness, and gave her the required sum.
"There you are, my dear," said the mother. "But, tell me, isn't the lady able to work any more?"
"Oh yes," came the reply. "She sells candy."

Really funny jokes-Old cowboy in church

One Sunday morning an old cowboy entered a church just before services were to begin. Although the old man and his clothes were spotlessly clean, he wore jeans, a denim shirt and boots that were very worn and ragged. In his hand he carried a worn out old hat and an equally worn out Bible.
The church he entered was in a very upscale and exclusive part of the city. It was the largest and most beautiful church the old cowboy had ever seen. The people of the congregation were all dressed with expensive clothes and accessories.
As the cowboy took a seat, the others moved away from him. No one greeted, spoke to, or welcomed him. They were all appalled at his appearance and did not attempt to hide it.
As the old cowboy was leaving the church, the preacher approached him and asked the cowboy to do him a favor. "Before you come back in here again, have a talk with God and ask him what he thinks would be appropriate attire for worship." The old cowboy assured the preacher he would.
The next Sunday, he showed back up for the services wearing the same ragged jeans, shirt, boots, and hat. Once again he was completely shunned and ignored.
The preacher approached the man and said, "I thought I asked you to speak to God before you came back to our church."
"I did," replied the old cowboy.
"If you spoke to God, what did he tell you the proper attire should be for worshiping in here?" asked the preacher.
"Well, sir, God told me that He didn't have a clue what I should wear. He said He'd never been in this church."

short humor jokes-Smart kid

A lady lost her handbag during a day of shopping. It was found by an honest little boy and returned to her. Looking in her purse, she commented, "Hmmm.... That's funny. When I lost my bag there was a $20 bill in it. Now there are twenty singles."
The boy replied, "That's right, lady. The last time I found a lady's purse, she didn't have change for a reward."

Humor jokes-The new wife

The new wife was being welcomed at the husband's home in a traditional manner.
As expected she gave a speech; "My dear family, I thank you for welcoming me in my new home and family, firstly, my being here does not mean that I would want to change your way of life, your routine. No, I will never do that, never in a million years."
"What do you mean my child?" asked the father-in-law.
"What I mean dad is (looking at her in-laws),
Those who used to wash the dishes must carry on washing them.
Those who used to do the laundry must carry on doing it.
Those who cooked should not stop at my account, AND
Those who used to clean should continue cleaning!!!"
"And what are you here for?" enquired the mother-in-law.
"AS FOR ME, I'M HERE JUST TO ENTERTAIN YOUR SON!!!!!"