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Really Funny Jokes
Welcome to Really Funny Jokes and Hilarious Jokes. Please bookmark us and visit daily for free jokes.
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Finance jokes-Einstein goes to Heaven
Einstein dies and goes to heaven only to be informed that his room is not yet ready. "I hope you will not mind waiting in a dormitory. We are very sorry, but it's the best we can do and you will have to share the room with others" he is told by the doorman.
Einstein says that this is no problem at all and that there is no need to make such a great fuss. So the doorman leads him to the dorm. They enter and Albert is introduced to all of the present inhabitants. "See, Here is your first room mate. He has an IQ of 180!"
"Why that's wonderful!" Says Albert. "We can discuss mathematics!"
"And here is your second room mate. His IQ is 150!"
"Why that's wonderful!" Says Albert. "We can discuss physics!"
"And here is your third room mate. His IQ is 100!"
"That Wonderful! We can discuss the latest plays at the theater!"
Just then another man moves out to capture Albert's hand and shake it. "I'm your last room mate and I'm sorry, but my IQ is only 80."
Albert smiles back at him and says, "So, where do you think interest rates are headed?"
Einstein says that this is no problem at all and that there is no need to make such a great fuss. So the doorman leads him to the dorm. They enter and Albert is introduced to all of the present inhabitants. "See, Here is your first room mate. He has an IQ of 180!"
"Why that's wonderful!" Says Albert. "We can discuss mathematics!"
"And here is your second room mate. His IQ is 150!"
"Why that's wonderful!" Says Albert. "We can discuss physics!"
"And here is your third room mate. His IQ is 100!"
"That Wonderful! We can discuss the latest plays at the theater!"
Just then another man moves out to capture Albert's hand and shake it. "I'm your last room mate and I'm sorry, but my IQ is only 80."
Albert smiles back at him and says, "So, where do you think interest rates are headed?"
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Funny jokes-Barn Insurance
Larry's barn burned down and his wife, Susan, called the insurance company. Susan told the insurance company, "We had that barn insured for fifty thousand and I want my money."
The agent replied, "Whoa there, just a minute, Susan. Insurance doesn't work quite like that. We will ascertain the value of what was insured and provide you with a new one of comparable worth."
There was a long pause before Susan replied, "Then I'd like to cancel the policy on my husband."
The agent replied, "Whoa there, just a minute, Susan. Insurance doesn't work quite like that. We will ascertain the value of what was insured and provide you with a new one of comparable worth."
There was a long pause before Susan replied, "Then I'd like to cancel the policy on my husband."
Office jokes-Life is all math
One attractive young businesswoman to another, over lunch:
My life is all math. I am trying to add to my income, subtract from my weight, divide my time, and avoid multiplying.
My life is all math. I am trying to add to my income, subtract from my weight, divide my time, and avoid multiplying.
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Really funny jokes-My side off the Story
Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife.
Tearfully, she explained, "It's the druggist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone."
Immediately the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand an apology.
Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, "Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I locked the house with both house and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys.
Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire. When I finally got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook."
He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor.
I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels; the phone was still ringing nonstop.
When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of expensive perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the floor and broke.
Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it.
It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer.
And believe me Mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her!"
Tearfully, she explained, "It's the druggist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone."
Immediately the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand an apology.
Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, "Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I locked the house with both house and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys.
Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire. When I finally got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook."
He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor.
I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels; the phone was still ringing nonstop.
When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of expensive perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the floor and broke.
Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it.
It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer.
And believe me Mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her!"
Monday, March 28, 2011
Funny jokes-Box of tampons
A nine-year old boy goes into the grocery store, grabs a box of tampons from the shelf and carries it to the register. The cashier asks, "Oh, these must be for your mom, huh?"
"Nope," says the boy, "not for my mom."
The cashier responds, "Well, then they must be for your sister then?"
"Nope," says the boy, "not for my sister, neither."
The cashier is now curious, "Oh. Not for your mom and not for your sister - then who are they for?"
The nine-year-old says, "They're for my little brother. They say on TV, if you wear one of these, you can swim and ride a bike, and my little brother can't do either of those things."
"Nope," says the boy, "not for my mom."
The cashier responds, "Well, then they must be for your sister then?"
"Nope," says the boy, "not for my sister, neither."
The cashier is now curious, "Oh. Not for your mom and not for your sister - then who are they for?"
The nine-year-old says, "They're for my little brother. They say on TV, if you wear one of these, you can swim and ride a bike, and my little brother can't do either of those things."
Yo Mama jokes-Green peace
Yo momma is so fat when she was lying on the beach Green Peace tried to push her back in the water.
Sunday, March 27, 2011
Really funny jokes-Answers to Science exam
Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.
Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.
Q: What does 'varicose' mean?
A: Nearby.
Q: Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarian Section.'
A: The Caesarian Section is a district in Rome.
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.
Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.
Q: What does 'varicose' mean?
A: Nearby.
Q: Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarian Section.'
A: The Caesarian Section is a district in Rome.
Saturday, March 26, 2011
Funny jokes-Cat and comma
What is the difference between a cat and a comma?
One has the paws before the claws and the other has the clause before the pause.
Clean jokes-Birthday song
It was our pals birthday, so we decided to call him up and sing "Happy Birthday."
Only trouble was we dialed the wrong number.
"Don't let it bother you." said the voice on the other end, just before he hung up, "You need all the practice you can get."
Only trouble was we dialed the wrong number.
"Don't let it bother you." said the voice on the other end, just before he hung up, "You need all the practice you can get."
Friday, March 25, 2011
Really funny jokes-Different coloured skin
An Englishman once asked Mahatma Gandhi
"Why do you Indians have different coloured skins? Look at us, we all have the same colour".
Gandhi replied, "Thoroughbred horses have different colours, but all donkeys have the same colour!"
"Why do you Indians have different coloured skins? Look at us, we all have the same colour".
Gandhi replied, "Thoroughbred horses have different colours, but all donkeys have the same colour!"
Adult jokes-Snooker
Steve Davis, the world champion snooker player, got married and it was the first night of his honeymoon. His beautiful wife lay spread across the bed wearing only a scanty silken black nightdress.
Presently Steve came out of the bathroom totally naked with a long stiff erection and walked slowly to the foot of the bed. He didn't utter a sound but simply stood there looking at her and chalking the end of his erect penis.
This went on for over ten minutes, the only movement being the slow rhythmic chalking of the tip of his penis and the movement of his head from side to side as he stared at her lying on the bed. Eventually, moist with excitement and shaking with anticipation she tore off her night dress and slowly spread her legs wide open waiting for him to take her.
Steve simply raised his eyebrows, cocked his head to the side and continued to slowly stroke the soft chalk across the glistening, throbbing penis as he stared intensely at the pleasures he saw between her outspread legs. It was too much for her to stand, writhing in an agony of expectation and frustration she screamed out, "For God's sake what are you waiting for?"
Steve gently stroked the chalk across his throbbing penis, blew the loose chalk off its end, smiled and looking even more closely between her smooth thighs quietly told her, "I'm trying to decide whether to go for the tight brown or the easy pink."
Presently Steve came out of the bathroom totally naked with a long stiff erection and walked slowly to the foot of the bed. He didn't utter a sound but simply stood there looking at her and chalking the end of his erect penis.
This went on for over ten minutes, the only movement being the slow rhythmic chalking of the tip of his penis and the movement of his head from side to side as he stared at her lying on the bed. Eventually, moist with excitement and shaking with anticipation she tore off her night dress and slowly spread her legs wide open waiting for him to take her.
Steve simply raised his eyebrows, cocked his head to the side and continued to slowly stroke the soft chalk across the glistening, throbbing penis as he stared intensely at the pleasures he saw between her outspread legs. It was too much for her to stand, writhing in an agony of expectation and frustration she screamed out, "For God's sake what are you waiting for?"
Steve gently stroked the chalk across his throbbing penis, blew the loose chalk off its end, smiled and looking even more closely between her smooth thighs quietly told her, "I'm trying to decide whether to go for the tight brown or the easy pink."
Thursday, March 24, 2011
Funny jokes-High enough
Did you hear about the Irish hunters who got themselves all set up for a weekend of duck-shooting? They gathered their guns and the dogs and the ammunition and their orange hunting hats and tramped about for hours; but with no luck whatsoever. And when they came out of the woods at dusk, they looked around at all the other hunters, who were all carrying large bundles of dead ducks.
"Gee," said one Irishman to his companion, "everyone else seems to be doing pretty well for themselves. Whaddaya think we could be doing wrong?"
"I dunno," said the other. "Maybe we're not throwing the dogs up high enough".
"Gee," said one Irishman to his companion, "everyone else seems to be doing pretty well for themselves. Whaddaya think we could be doing wrong?"
"I dunno," said the other. "Maybe we're not throwing the dogs up high enough".
Blonde jokes-Cross the road
Why did the blonde cross the road?
Never mind that, what was she doing out of the bedroom?
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Really funny jokes-What are you in for?
Paddy was sent to jail and was sharing a cell with two others.
"What are you in for?" he asked the first.
"Stealing a few bales of straw," he replied.
"And how long did you get?" asked Paddy.
"Six months," he replied.
"And what are you in for?" Paddy asked the second.
"Rape," he replied.
"And how long did you get?"
"Seven years," he replied.
"Heavens above," said Paddy, "you must have stolen a whole acre of the stuff".
"What are you in for?" he asked the first.
"Stealing a few bales of straw," he replied.
"And how long did you get?" asked Paddy.
"Six months," he replied.
"And what are you in for?" Paddy asked the second.
"Rape," he replied.
"And how long did you get?"
"Seven years," he replied.
"Heavens above," said Paddy, "you must have stolen a whole acre of the stuff".
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Funny jokes-The Switchman
A guy named Pete gets a job as a switchman with the railroad, and undergoes weeks of training. The supervisor then takes him into the switch booth to test his readiness. The following exchange takes place:
Supervisor: "Imagine you were sitting here alone and you learned there was a train coming from the North on that track, and another coming from the South on the same track. What would you do?"
Pete: "I'd throw this switch right here and put one train on the other track."
Supervisor: And what if that switch didn't work?"
Pete: "I'd go down to the track and throw that big switch lever there, putting one train on the other track."
Supervisor: "And what if that switch lever didn't work?"
Pete: "Then I'd come back here and call the dispatcher to stop both trains."
Supervisor: "And what if the phone didn't work?"
Pete: "Then I'd go to that gas station across the street and use their phone."
Supervisor: "And what if their phone didn't work?"
Pete: "Then I'd go get Uncle Joe."
Supervisor: "Uncle Joe??? What would he do?"
Pete: "Nothing, but he ain't never seen a train wreck."
Supervisor: "Imagine you were sitting here alone and you learned there was a train coming from the North on that track, and another coming from the South on the same track. What would you do?"
Pete: "I'd throw this switch right here and put one train on the other track."
Supervisor: And what if that switch didn't work?"
Pete: "I'd go down to the track and throw that big switch lever there, putting one train on the other track."
Supervisor: "And what if that switch lever didn't work?"
Pete: "Then I'd come back here and call the dispatcher to stop both trains."
Supervisor: "And what if the phone didn't work?"
Pete: "Then I'd go to that gas station across the street and use their phone."
Supervisor: "And what if their phone didn't work?"
Pete: "Then I'd go get Uncle Joe."
Supervisor: "Uncle Joe??? What would he do?"
Pete: "Nothing, but he ain't never seen a train wreck."
Hilarious jokes-Disqualified
Have you heard about the Irish tug-of-war team?
They were disqualified for pushing.
Monday, March 21, 2011
Really funny jokes-Children's books that didn't make it
Children's Books That Didn't Make It
1. You Are Different and That's Bad
2. The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables
3. Dad's New Wife Robert
4. Fun Four-Letter Words to Know and Share
5. Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors: An I-Can-Do-It Book
6. The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking
7. Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her
8. Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
9. All Cats Go to Hell
10. The Little Sissy Who Snitched
11. Some Kittens Can Fly.
12. That's It; I'm Putting You Up for Adoption
13. Grandpa Gets a Casket
14. The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator
15. Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia
16. The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy
17. Strangers Have the Best Candy
18. Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way
19. You Were an Accident
20. Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
21. Pop Goes The Hamster & Other Microwave Games
22. The Man in the Moon Is Actually Satan
23. Your Nightmares Are Real
24. Where Would You Like to Be Buried?
25. Eggs, Toilet Paper, and Your School
26. Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?
27. Places Where Mommy and Daddy Hide Neat Things
28. Daddy Drinks Because You Cry
1. You Are Different and That's Bad
2. The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables
3. Dad's New Wife Robert
4. Fun Four-Letter Words to Know and Share
5. Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors: An I-Can-Do-It Book
6. The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking
7. Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her
8. Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
9. All Cats Go to Hell
10. The Little Sissy Who Snitched
11. Some Kittens Can Fly.
12. That's It; I'm Putting You Up for Adoption
13. Grandpa Gets a Casket
14. The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator
15. Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia
16. The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy
17. Strangers Have the Best Candy
18. Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way
19. You Were an Accident
20. Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
21. Pop Goes The Hamster & Other Microwave Games
22. The Man in the Moon Is Actually Satan
23. Your Nightmares Are Real
24. Where Would You Like to Be Buried?
25. Eggs, Toilet Paper, and Your School
26. Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?
27. Places Where Mommy and Daddy Hide Neat Things
28. Daddy Drinks Because You Cry
One line jokes-Problem with Golf
The only problem with golf is that the slow people are always in front of you and the fast people always end up behind you.
Sunday, March 20, 2011
Really good stuff-How To Dump A Partner
How To Dump A Partner
I thought this standardised form would help simplify the dating process and make it more business-like.
Dear _______________,
I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further contention as Mr. Right. As you are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly tough and dozens of well-qualified candidates such as yourself also failed to make the final cut.
I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening come available. So that you may find better success in your future romantic endeavours, please allow me to offer the following reason(s) you were disqualified from the competition:
(Check those that apply)
___Your last name is objectionable. I can't imagine taking it, hyphenating it, or subjecting my children to it.
___Your first name is objectionable. It's just not something I can picture myself yelling out in a fit of passion.
___The fact that our first dining experience to date has left MY wallet a little lighter, and YOUR pants a little tighter!
___Your inadvertent admission that you "buy condoms by the truckload" indicates that you may be interested in me for something other than my personality.
___You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions about yourself before you asked me more than one about myself.
___Your legs are skinnier than mine. If you can FIT into my pants, then you can't GET into my pants.
___You're too short. Any son that we produced would inevitably be beaten up repeatedly at recess.
___You're too tall. I'm developing a chronic neck condition from trying to kiss you.
___You have a hairy back.
___I find your inability to fix my car extraordinarily unappealing.
___The fact that your apartment has been condemned reveals an inherent slovenliness that I fear is unbreakable.
___The phrase "My Mother" has popped up far too often in conversation.
___Although I do enjoy the X-Files, I find your wardrobe of Star Trek uniforms a little disconcerting.
___Your frequent references to your ex-girlfriend lead me to suspect that you are some sort of psychotic stalker.
___Your ability to belch the alphabet is not a trait that I am seeking in a long term partner.
___Your height is out of proportion to your weight. If you should, however, happen to gain the necessary 17 vertical inches, please resubmit your application.
___Somehow I doubt those condoms that I found in your overnight bag were really necessary for a successful business trip.
___I am out of your league; set your sights lower next time.
Sincerely, _________________________________
--------
Saturday, March 19, 2011
Adult jokes-Alcohol taster
In an alcohol factory the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire. A drunkard with ragged, dirty look came to apply for the position.
The director of the factory wondered how to send him away.
They tested him.
They gave him a glass with a drink. He tried it and said,
"It’s red wine, a muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers."
"That’s correct", said the boss.
Another glass.
"It’s red wine , cabernet, eight years old, a southwestern slope, oak barrels."
"Correct."
The director was astonished.
He winked at his secretary to suggest something.
She brought in a glass of urine. The alcoholic tried it.
"It’s a blond, 26 years old, pregnant in the third month.
And if you don’t give me the job, I’ll tell who’s the father!"
The director of the factory wondered how to send him away.
They tested him.
They gave him a glass with a drink. He tried it and said,
"It’s red wine, a muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers."
"That’s correct", said the boss.
Another glass.
"It’s red wine , cabernet, eight years old, a southwestern slope, oak barrels."
"Correct."
The director was astonished.
He winked at his secretary to suggest something.
She brought in a glass of urine. The alcoholic tried it.
"It’s a blond, 26 years old, pregnant in the third month.
And if you don’t give me the job, I’ll tell who’s the father!"
Really funny jokes-Trial in Court
Trial in Court
Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
Friday, March 18, 2011
Funny jokes-Identify the Italian
How can you identify the Italian at the Cock fight?
He's the one who bets on the duck.
Thursday, March 17, 2011
Really funny jokes-The Old hotel
As a history buff, I was looking forward to staying in a hotel in Salisbury, England, that dated back to the 13th century. But when I arrived, the hotel clerk gave me some bad news--my room was in the new section. Disappointed, I asked when the 'new' section had been built.
"In the 1600s," she replied apologetically.
"In the 1600s," she replied apologetically.
Clean jokes-Even more excuses for skipping out of work
Even more excuses for skipping out of work
1. I have to renew my driver’s license.
2. I have to get new license plates.
3. I have to stand in a long line for no good reason, while petty bureaucrats take inordinate amounts of time to work out the tiny problems that they detect in perfectly routine transactions. THEN I have to breeze by and renew my driver’s license and get new license plates.
4. I’ve got an urgent session with my therapist.
5. I’ve got a really urgent session with my therapist.
6. I’ve … I … I’m not … I don’t … I CAN’T COPE WITH THIS!!
7. I have to get my contact lenses fitted.
8. I have to get my hearing aid adjusted.
9. I have to get my big toe calibrated.
10. Hey, hey! The Monkees could be coming to our town.
11. My rheumatism is acting up. There’s going to be a terrible tornado.
12. My arthritis is acting up. There’s going to be a terrible blizzard.
13. The pharaoh is acting up. There’s going to be a terrible rain of frogs.
14. I need to give blood.
15. I need to give evidence.
16. I need to give up.
17. I’m going to my best friend’s engagement party.
18. I’m going to my best friend’s wedding.
19. I’m going to my best friend’s divorce. (We all knew it wouldn’t last. At the wedding, everybody threw Minute Rice.)
20. I have a seriously overdue library book that I have to return.
1. I have to renew my driver’s license.
2. I have to get new license plates.
3. I have to stand in a long line for no good reason, while petty bureaucrats take inordinate amounts of time to work out the tiny problems that they detect in perfectly routine transactions. THEN I have to breeze by and renew my driver’s license and get new license plates.
4. I’ve got an urgent session with my therapist.
5. I’ve got a really urgent session with my therapist.
6. I’ve … I … I’m not … I don’t … I CAN’T COPE WITH THIS!!
7. I have to get my contact lenses fitted.
8. I have to get my hearing aid adjusted.
9. I have to get my big toe calibrated.
10. Hey, hey! The Monkees could be coming to our town.
11. My rheumatism is acting up. There’s going to be a terrible tornado.
12. My arthritis is acting up. There’s going to be a terrible blizzard.
13. The pharaoh is acting up. There’s going to be a terrible rain of frogs.
14. I need to give blood.
15. I need to give evidence.
16. I need to give up.
17. I’m going to my best friend’s engagement party.
18. I’m going to my best friend’s wedding.
19. I’m going to my best friend’s divorce. (We all knew it wouldn’t last. At the wedding, everybody threw Minute Rice.)
20. I have a seriously overdue library book that I have to return.
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Funny jokes-Lions
A young missionary on his first trip to Africa is away from camp having devotions in a quiet clearing, as was his custom. This one particular day, while reading his Bible, a lion comes and lays down right beside him; so close that the hot warm smell of his breath is wafting over him.
He is, as you would suppose, exceedingly uneasy. He closes his eyes, praying... but when he opens them he sees another approach from the brush, which proceeds to lie down on the other side of him.
Convinced as he is that this is a test of his faith, he determines to return to his Bible reading. As soon as he does so, the two lions pounce upon and devour him.
Moral of the story: Don't read between the "lions."
He is, as you would suppose, exceedingly uneasy. He closes his eyes, praying... but when he opens them he sees another approach from the brush, which proceeds to lie down on the other side of him.
Convinced as he is that this is a test of his faith, he determines to return to his Bible reading. As soon as he does so, the two lions pounce upon and devour him.
Moral of the story: Don't read between the "lions."
Hilarious jokes-Mr. Bean at the Drug Store
Mr. Bean: I'd like some vitamins for my grandson.
Clerk: Sir, vitamin A, B or C?
Mr. Bean: Any will do, my grandson doesn't know the alphabet yet!!
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Really funny jokes-Still more Excuses for skipping out of work
Still more Excuses for skipping out of work
1. I have to take my mother to the doctor.
2. I have to take my minister to the doctor.
3. I have to take my doctor to my minister.
4. I think I left the iron on.
5. I think I left the water on.
6. I think I left the refrigerator on.
7. I’m getting married, and I have to go pick out rings.
8. I’m getting married, and I have to take a blood test.
9. I’m getting married, and I have to figure out to whom.
10. I have to have my waistband let out.
11. I have to have my watchband let out.
12. I have to have my son’s rock band let out.
13. I’m having my eyes checked this noon, and they put drops in them so I won’t be able to work afterwards.
14. I’m having my ears checked this noon, and they put drops in them so I won’t be able to work afterwards.
15. I’m having my hats checked this noon, and I’ll be having a drop or two so I won’t be able to work afterwards.
16. I’m having a root canal.
17. I’m having a tax audit.
18. I’m going on a date with a sadomasochistic necrophile. (Is that beating a dead horse?)
19. I have to rearrange my savings so that there is no more than $100,000 in any one federally insured institution.
20. I need to break into my kid’s piggy bank while he’s not home.
1. I have to take my mother to the doctor.
2. I have to take my minister to the doctor.
3. I have to take my doctor to my minister.
4. I think I left the iron on.
5. I think I left the water on.
6. I think I left the refrigerator on.
7. I’m getting married, and I have to go pick out rings.
8. I’m getting married, and I have to take a blood test.
9. I’m getting married, and I have to figure out to whom.
10. I have to have my waistband let out.
11. I have to have my watchband let out.
12. I have to have my son’s rock band let out.
13. I’m having my eyes checked this noon, and they put drops in them so I won’t be able to work afterwards.
14. I’m having my ears checked this noon, and they put drops in them so I won’t be able to work afterwards.
15. I’m having my hats checked this noon, and I’ll be having a drop or two so I won’t be able to work afterwards.
16. I’m having a root canal.
17. I’m having a tax audit.
18. I’m going on a date with a sadomasochistic necrophile. (Is that beating a dead horse?)
19. I have to rearrange my savings so that there is no more than $100,000 in any one federally insured institution.
20. I need to break into my kid’s piggy bank while he’s not home.
Little Johnny jokes-Play House
"Would you like to play house with us Johnny," asked the bravest of several girls.
"Sure," replied Little Johnny. "Which one of you is going to be the madam?"
Monday, March 14, 2011
Office jokes-More Excuses for skipping out of work
More Excuses for skipping out of work
1. I’m arranging financing for a car.
2. I’m arranging financing for a beef roast.
3. The couch I ordered umpteen weeks ago has arrived and this was the only time they could deliver it.
4. The refrigerator I ordered umpteen weeks ago has arrived and this was the only time they could deliver it.
5. The baby we arranged for nine months ago is arriving, and I think this is the time it’s being delivered. (Note: This is an excuse that can’t be used by just anybody. But if it’s close to accurate, it’s extremely effective.
6. I have been asked to serve on a presidential advisory panel.
7. I’m being sent to the moon by NASA.
8. It’s Dayton’s Warehouse Sale.
9. My back aches.
10. My stomach aches.
11. My hair aches. (This is more acceptable than “I have a hangover,” especially if offered in the early afternoon.)
12. My biological clock is ticking.
13. I have to take my biological clock in for service.
14. My furnace won’t stop running, and the goldfish are getting poached.
15. My central air conditioning won’t stop running, and the goldfish are getting freezer burn.
16. Both my furnace and my central air conditioning won’t stop running. The goldfish are fine but my basement is about to explode.
17. I have to go to the airport to pick up my mother.
18. I have to go to the airport to pick up my minister.
19. I have to go to the airport to pick up my minister’s mother.
20. My broker needs to talk with me about diversification.
1. I’m arranging financing for a car.
2. I’m arranging financing for a beef roast.
3. The couch I ordered umpteen weeks ago has arrived and this was the only time they could deliver it.
4. The refrigerator I ordered umpteen weeks ago has arrived and this was the only time they could deliver it.
5. The baby we arranged for nine months ago is arriving, and I think this is the time it’s being delivered. (Note: This is an excuse that can’t be used by just anybody. But if it’s close to accurate, it’s extremely effective.
6. I have been asked to serve on a presidential advisory panel.
7. I’m being sent to the moon by NASA.
8. It’s Dayton’s Warehouse Sale.
9. My back aches.
10. My stomach aches.
11. My hair aches. (This is more acceptable than “I have a hangover,” especially if offered in the early afternoon.)
12. My biological clock is ticking.
13. I have to take my biological clock in for service.
14. My furnace won’t stop running, and the goldfish are getting poached.
15. My central air conditioning won’t stop running, and the goldfish are getting freezer burn.
16. Both my furnace and my central air conditioning won’t stop running. The goldfish are fine but my basement is about to explode.
17. I have to go to the airport to pick up my mother.
18. I have to go to the airport to pick up my minister.
19. I have to go to the airport to pick up my minister’s mother.
20. My broker needs to talk with me about diversification.
Funny jokes-Identify the Pole
How can you identify the Pole at a Cock fight?
He's the one who brought the duck.
Sunday, March 13, 2011
Office jokes-Excuses for skipping out of work
Excuses for skipping out of work
1. My kids are locked outside.
2. My kids are locked inside.
3. My kids are stuck in the door.
4. I have to pick on my kids.
5. I have to help my grandmother bake cookies.
6. I have to help my Aunt Flo in Omaha make cookies. She’s much better now and she wants to send thank-you cookies to everyone who came to see her when she thought she was dying.
7. The water company has to read my meter once a year and this was the only time they would come.
8. The gas company has to read my meter once a year and this was the only time they would come.
9. The water meter guy and the gas meter guy were both leaving cards on my door about me not being home, and they got into a fight about whose meter was better, and I have to go home and clean up.
10. My daughter is graduating from high school and I’d like to go to the ceremony.
11. My daughter is receiving a Nobel Prize and I’d like to go to the ceremony. (Do not use within one month of #9).
12. I have to pick up my car at the shop. If I don’t get there in half an hour it’ll be locked up all weekend.
13. I have to get my car to the shop. If I don’t get it there in half an hour it’ll be locked out all weekend. (Don’t use if boss seems wide awake).
14. My dog has a rash all over, and the vet closes early today.
15. My cat has a rash all over, and the vet closes early today.
16. My kid has a rash all over, and the vet closes early today.
17. My truss snapped.
18. My support hose popped.
19. I got my fingers stuck together with Krazy Glue.
20. I’m arranging financing for a house.
1. My kids are locked outside.
2. My kids are locked inside.
3. My kids are stuck in the door.
4. I have to pick on my kids.
5. I have to help my grandmother bake cookies.
6. I have to help my Aunt Flo in Omaha make cookies. She’s much better now and she wants to send thank-you cookies to everyone who came to see her when she thought she was dying.
7. The water company has to read my meter once a year and this was the only time they would come.
8. The gas company has to read my meter once a year and this was the only time they would come.
9. The water meter guy and the gas meter guy were both leaving cards on my door about me not being home, and they got into a fight about whose meter was better, and I have to go home and clean up.
10. My daughter is graduating from high school and I’d like to go to the ceremony.
11. My daughter is receiving a Nobel Prize and I’d like to go to the ceremony. (Do not use within one month of #9).
12. I have to pick up my car at the shop. If I don’t get there in half an hour it’ll be locked up all weekend.
13. I have to get my car to the shop. If I don’t get it there in half an hour it’ll be locked out all weekend. (Don’t use if boss seems wide awake).
14. My dog has a rash all over, and the vet closes early today.
15. My cat has a rash all over, and the vet closes early today.
16. My kid has a rash all over, and the vet closes early today.
17. My truss snapped.
18. My support hose popped.
19. I got my fingers stuck together with Krazy Glue.
20. I’m arranging financing for a house.
Saturday, March 12, 2011
Really funny jokes-Involved in voodoo
Trial in Court
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
Hilarious jokes-Meaning of Fear
Q. Why don't men know the meaning of fear?
A. They only know one four-letter word beginning with F.
Friday, March 11, 2011
Funny jokes-You're Still drinking too much Coffee when:
You're Still Drinking Too Much Coffee When:
*You channel surf faster without a remote.
*You're offended when people use the word "brew" to mean beer.
*You speak perfect Arabic without ever taking a lesson.
*Your Thermos is on wheels.
*Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position.
*You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
*You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
*You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.
*Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter Scale.
*You can't even remember your second cup.
*You help your dog chase its tail.
*You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.
*Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.
Yo Mama jokes-Like Shaquille O'Neal
Yo mama's so stank, she's like Shaquille O'Neal, she don't fake the funk!!
Thursday, March 10, 2011
Really funny jokes-Tell the time
A well-dressed business man was walking down the street when Little Johnny, covered in soot said to him respectfully, "Sir, can you tell me the time?"
The portly man stopped, carefully unbuttoned his coat and jacket, removed a large watch from a vest pocket, looked at it and said, "It is a quarter to three, young man."
"Thanks," said Johnny. "At exactly three o'clock you can kiss my a*s."
With that, the kid took off running, and with an angry cry, the outraged businessman started chasing him. He has not been running long when an old friend stopped him. "Why are you running like this at your age?" asked the friend.
Gasping and almost incoherent with fury, the business man said, "That little brat asked me the time and when I told him it was quarter to three he told me that at exactly three, I should kiss his a*s!"
"So what's your hurry?" said the friend. "You still have ten minutes."
The portly man stopped, carefully unbuttoned his coat and jacket, removed a large watch from a vest pocket, looked at it and said, "It is a quarter to three, young man."
"Thanks," said Johnny. "At exactly three o'clock you can kiss my a*s."
With that, the kid took off running, and with an angry cry, the outraged businessman started chasing him. He has not been running long when an old friend stopped him. "Why are you running like this at your age?" asked the friend.
Gasping and almost incoherent with fury, the business man said, "That little brat asked me the time and when I told him it was quarter to three he told me that at exactly three, I should kiss his a*s!"
"So what's your hurry?" said the friend. "You still have ten minutes."
One line jokes-Poles
If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Funny jokes-Mr. Bean on marriage
Friend: How many women do you believe must a man marry?
Mr. Bean: 16
Friend: Why?
Mr. Bean: Because the priest says 4 richer, 4 poorer, 4 better and 4 worse.
Adult jokes-Middle aged couples
Two middle-aged couples go on a camping trip. The men stay in one tent and the women stay in the other.
At about two in the morning one man wakes up and says, "Oh my gosh!"
The other guy wakes up and asks, "What's wrong?"
The man says, "I gotta go find my wife, I just woke up with the biggest erection I've ever had!!!"
"Want me to come with you?" asks the other guy.
"Why would you do that?"
"Because you're holding my dick."
At about two in the morning one man wakes up and says, "Oh my gosh!"
The other guy wakes up and asks, "What's wrong?"
The man says, "I gotta go find my wife, I just woke up with the biggest erection I've ever had!!!"
"Want me to come with you?" asks the other guy.
"Why would you do that?"
"Because you're holding my dick."
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
Really funny jokes-Two Yuppettes
Two Yuppettes were shopping. When they started to discuss their home lives, one said,
"Seems like all Alfred and I do anymore is fight. I've been so upset I've lost 20 pounds."
"Why don't you just leave him then?" asked her friend.
"Oh! Not yet." the first replied, "I'd like to lose at least another fifteen pounds first."
Animal jokes-Lady and Dog
A lady and her dog were enjoying a stroll in the park when her dog was mounted from behind by a large Rottweiler. The Rot was really humping away and the lady was frantically trying to break them up, to no avail.
A small boy walked up and stuck his finger in the Rot's butt, and the action immediately stopped.
The lady was amazed. "How did you do that?" she asked.
The little boy said, "That's my dog! He can dish it out, but he can't take it!"
A small boy walked up and stuck his finger in the Rot's butt, and the action immediately stopped.
The lady was amazed. "How did you do that?" she asked.
The little boy said, "That's my dog! He can dish it out, but he can't take it!"
Monday, March 7, 2011
Funny jokes-Disorder in Court
Judge to lady
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
Doctor jokes-Not my table
A waitress became violently ill while at work and was rushed by ambulance to the emergency room. In typical hospital fashion, she was placed on an examining table and then all but ignored for the next half-hour.
Finally, she noticed a doctor out in the hall and yelled, "Please help me!"
"Sorry," he replied, "it's not my table."
Finally, she noticed a doctor out in the hall and yelled, "Please help me!"
"Sorry," he replied, "it's not my table."
Sunday, March 6, 2011
Hilarious jokes-Men you may meet in the Urinal
20 TYPES OF MEN YOU MAY MEET IN THE MEN'S URINAL
EXCITABLE: Shorts half twisted around, cannot find hole, rips his shorts.
SOCIABLE: Joins friends in piss whether he has to go or not.
CROSSEYED: Looks into next urinal to see how the other guy is hung.
TIMID: Cannot piss if someone is watching, flushes urinal and comes back later.
INDIFFERENT: All urinals being in use, he pisses in the sink.
CLEVER: No hands, fixes tie, looks around and usually pisses on the floor.
WORRIED: Not sure of where he has been lately, makes a quick inspection.
FRIVOLOUS: Plays stream up, down and across urinals, tries to hit fly or bug.
ABSENT-MINDED: Opens vest, pulls out his tie, pisses in his pants.
CHILDISH: Pisses directly in bottom of urinal, likes to see it bubble.
SNEAK: Farts silently while pissing, acts very innocent, knows the man in the next stall will get blamed.
PATIENT: Stands very close for a long while waiting, reads with free hand.
DESPERATE: Waits in a long line, teeth floating, pisses in pants.
TOUGH: Bangs dick on side of urinal to dry it.
EFFICIENT: Waits until he has to crap, and then does both.
FAT: Backs up and takes a blind shot at urinal, pisses on shoes.
LITTLE: Stands on box, falls in, drowns.
DRUNK: Holds left thumb in right hand, pisses in pants.
DISGRUNTED: Stands for a while, gives up, walks away.
CONCEITED: Holds two inch dick like a baseball bat.
Saturday, March 5, 2011
Really funny jokes-Glass of Cider
A little girls came running into the house with tears streaming down her face.
"Quick, Mummy!" she screamed. "I need a big glass of cider. Quick!"
"Why do you want a glass of cider, dear?" asked the mother.
"Because," replied the girl, "I cut my hand on a thorn and I want the pain to go away."
Confused, but weary of the child's noise, the mother poured a glass of cider and the girl dunked her hand in it.
"It still hurts," whined the girl. "The cider doesn't work."
"What are you on about? Just tell me!" the mum said, raising her voice.
"Well," replied the girl, "I overheard my big sister saying that whenever she gets a prick in her hand, she can't wait to get it in cider."
"Quick, Mummy!" she screamed. "I need a big glass of cider. Quick!"
"Why do you want a glass of cider, dear?" asked the mother.
"Because," replied the girl, "I cut my hand on a thorn and I want the pain to go away."
Confused, but weary of the child's noise, the mother poured a glass of cider and the girl dunked her hand in it.
"It still hurts," whined the girl. "The cider doesn't work."
"What are you on about? Just tell me!" the mum said, raising her voice.
"Well," replied the girl, "I overheard my big sister saying that whenever she gets a prick in her hand, she can't wait to get it in cider."
One line jokes-Tennessee Titans
Ok, so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the 'Jags' and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the 'Bucs,' what does that make the Tennessee Titans?
Friday, March 4, 2011
Funny jokes-Smell out of the fish
God created Adam and Eve and left them alone to get to know each other. After a week He came back. "How's it going Adam?" He asked.
"Great!" says Adam.
"Eve's just down at the river, cleaning herself up a bit - we've been at it all week."
God looked up at the sky in dismay and exclaimed, "Hell! Now I'll never get the smell out of the fish."
"Great!" says Adam.
"Eve's just down at the river, cleaning herself up a bit - we've been at it all week."
God looked up at the sky in dismay and exclaimed, "Hell! Now I'll never get the smell out of the fish."
Redneck jokes-Some phrases
Redneck Sayings
1. "Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit."
2. "It’s been hotter’n a goat’s butt in a pepper patch."
3. "Don’t pee down my back and tell me it’s raining."
4. "This is gooder’n grits."
Thursday, March 3, 2011
Really funny jokes-Medical Breakthrough Medications
Medical Breakthrough Medications
St. Mom's Wort - Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to six hours.
Empty Nestrogen - Highly effective suppository that eliminates melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out.
Peptobimbo - Liquid silicone for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and improves flirting.
Dumerol - When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low I.Q. causing enjoyment of country western music.
Flipitor - Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.
Antiboyotics - When administered to teenage girls, is highly effective in improving grades, freeing up phone lines, and reducing money spent on make-up.
Menicillin - Potent antibiotic for older women. Increases resistance to such lines as, "You make me want to be a better person ... can we get naked now?"
Buyagra - Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency and duration of spending spree.
Extra Strength Buy-one-all - When combined with Buyagra, can cause an indiscriminate buying frenzy so severe thevictim may even come home with a Donnie Osmond CD or a book by Dr. Laura.
Jack Asspirin - Relieves the headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary or phone number.
Anti-talksident - A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers.
Sexcedrin - Bedroom aerosol spray for men. More effective than Excedrin in treating the, "Not now, dear, I have a headache," syndrome.
Ragamet - When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation as ragging on him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it herself.
Men-Gay - A rub-in ointment that enables single women to identify who to cross off the dating pool.
St. Mom's Wort - Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to six hours.
Empty Nestrogen - Highly effective suppository that eliminates melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out.
Peptobimbo - Liquid silicone for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and improves flirting.
Dumerol - When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low I.Q. causing enjoyment of country western music.
Flipitor - Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.
Antiboyotics - When administered to teenage girls, is highly effective in improving grades, freeing up phone lines, and reducing money spent on make-up.
Menicillin - Potent antibiotic for older women. Increases resistance to such lines as, "You make me want to be a better person ... can we get naked now?"
Buyagra - Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency and duration of spending spree.
Extra Strength Buy-one-all - When combined with Buyagra, can cause an indiscriminate buying frenzy so severe thevictim may even come home with a Donnie Osmond CD or a book by Dr. Laura.
Jack Asspirin - Relieves the headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary or phone number.
Anti-talksident - A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers.
Sexcedrin - Bedroom aerosol spray for men. More effective than Excedrin in treating the, "Not now, dear, I have a headache," syndrome.
Ragamet - When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation as ragging on him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it herself.
Men-Gay - A rub-in ointment that enables single women to identify who to cross off the dating pool.
Yo Mama jokes-So funky
Yo mama's drawers are so funky, the roaches check in but they don't check out.
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
Funny jokes-You are really drinking too much Coffee when
You are really drinking too much Coffee when
*You can type sixty words per minute with your feet.
*You can jump-start your car without cables.
*All your kids are named "Joe".
*You don't need a hammer to pound in nails.
*Your only source of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low".
*You don't sweat, you percolate.
*You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.
*Charles Manson thinks you need to calm down.
*People get dizzy just watching you.
*When you find a penny, you say, "Find a penny, pick it up. Sixty-three more, I'll have a cup".
*The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you.
*Starbucks own the mortgage on your house.
*You're so wired, you pick up AM radio.
*People can test their batteries in your ears.
*Instant coffee takes too long.
Hilarious jokes-Purifying water
Science exam
Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
Really funny jokes-Headstone
After his wife died, the uncle of one of my friends decided to plan ahead and order a grave-site marker for himself. A week or so later, he came home to find a message on his answering machine. It was from a young woman at the company where he’d placed his order.
“I don’t know if it’s good news or bad,” she said, “but your headstone is ready.”
“I don’t know if it’s good news or bad,” she said, “but your headstone is ready.”
Mr. Bean jokes-Five plus four
Teacher: What is 5 plus 4?
Mr. Bean: 9
Teacher: What is 4 plus 5?
Mr. Bean: Are you trying to fool me, you've just twisted the figure, the answer is 6!!
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