Adult jokes-Condom

A man is walking past this house when a used condom comes flying out of the second story window and lands squarely on his head. Rather disgusted and absolutely furious, he goes up to the front door and starts pounding on it.
An elderly man opens it and asks him what caused him to knock so loudly.
The passerby asks, "Who's in your upstairs room?"
The elderly man replies, "I can't see how it's any of your business. But, since you must know, my daughter and intended son-in-law are upstairs."
The passerby hands him the used condom and says, "Well, I just wanted you to know that your intended grandchild fell out the window!"

Short humor jokes-Land

Interested in buying a summer place, a man asked a farmer, "How does the land lie around here?"
The farmer said, "The land don't lie. It's the real estate people that lie!"

Really funny jokes-Telegram

A distraught young man made an appointment with a psychiatrist.
"I was out of town on business," he told the doctor,"and I wired my wife that I would be coming home on Tuesday, instead
of Wednesday. When I got in I went straight home as fast as I could, and when I got there I found her in bed with my best
friend!" The man then broke down into uncontrollable tears.
The doctor considered the problem for a couple of moments then said,
"Maybe she never got your telegram."

Kids jokes-Good Samaritan

A Sunday School teacher was telling the story of the Good Samaritan to her class of 4-5 year olds. She was making it as vivid as possible to keep the children interested in her tale. Then she asked the class, "If you saw a person lying on the roadside all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?"
A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, "I think I'd throw up."

Adult jokes- Rubbing = Putting

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.' The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?' The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then stopped.' The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.'
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that and you didn't put any money in the poor box!'
The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'

Humor jokes-Strange man

Little Johnny ran out to a field his Pa was plowing to report, "there's a strange man at the house. I dunno what he wants."
"Son," the father told him, "if it's the landlord, he wants his rent. If it's the banker, he's come to foreclose the mortgage. And if it's a traveling salesman, you run home fast as your legs will carry you and sit in your maw's lap till I get there!"

Really funny jokes-Stuck in the Mud

A husband and wife were driving down a country lane on their way to visit some friends. As they came to a muddy part of the road, their car got stuck. While trying to get the car out by themselves, they saw a farmer coming down the lane, driving
some oxen. He stopped when he saw the couple in trouble and offered to pull the car out of the mud for $50. They accepted and minutes later the car was free. The farmer turned to the husband and said, "You know, you're the tenth car I've helped out of the mud today." The husband looked around at the vast fields and asked the farmer, "When do you have time to plow your land? At night?"
"Nope," the farmer replied, "Night's when I put the water in the hole!"

Sardar jokes-Modern Art

Sardar at an Art Gallery: I suppose this horrible looking thing is what you call modern art ?
Art dealer: I beg your pardon sir, that's a mirror!

Adult funny jokes-Bell

A FIREMAN came home from work one day and told his wife, "You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station:
BELL 1 rings and we all put on our jackets,
BELL 2 rings and we all slide down the pole,
BELL 3 rings and we're on the fire truck ready to go."
"From now on when I say BELL 1, I want you to strip naked. When I say BELL 2, I want you to jump in bed. And when I say BELL 3, we are going to make love all night."
The next night he came home from work and yelled, "BELL 1!"
The wife promptly took all her clothes off.
When he yelled "BELL 2!", the wife jumped into bed.
When he yelled "BELL 3!", they began making love.
After a few minutes the wife yelled "BELL 4!"
"What the hell is BELL 4?" asked the husband.
"ROLL OUT MORE HOSE," she replied, "YOU'RE NOWHERE NEAR THE FIRE."

Doctor jokes-Cure Pneumonia

A man went to see his doctor because he was suffering from a miserable cold. His doctor prescribed some pills, but they didn't help.
On his next visit the doctor gave him a shot, but that didn't do any good.
On his third visit the doctor told the man, "Go home and take a hot bath. As soon as you finish bathing throw open all the windows and stand in the draft."
"But doc," protested the patient, "if I do that, I'll get pneumonia."
"I know," said the doctor, "I can cure pneumonia."

Really funny jokes-Genie

One day, a genie was in a remarkably good mood, so he decided to go around the world, granting people their fondest wishes.
First, he came to London, where he saw a very sad-looking Englishman. He said to the man, "I am a genie. Tell me what you want most, and I will grant it to you."
The Englishman said, "My cousin Nigel has the most beautiful mansion you ever saw, but I don't even have a house at all. It's not fair! I'm just as good as he is! Why should HE have such a beautiful house and not me? Well, I want you to give me a house even bigger than Nigel's."
The genie snapped his fingers, and the house appeared magically. The Englishman was delighted.
Next, the genie went to Paris, where he saw a sad Frenchman. The genie asked the Frenchman
what he wanted most. The Frenchman said, "My cousin Pierre has the most beautiful wife you ever saw, but I don't have a wife at all. It's not fair! Why should HE have a beautiful wife and not me? I want you to give me a wife even more beautiful than Pierre's."
The genie snapped his fingers, and a beautiful woman appeared. The Frenchman was delighted.
Next, the genie went to Chicago, where he saw a sad-eyed American. The genie asked him what he wanted most in life. The American answered, "My cousin Marty has the most beautiful sports car you ever saw, but I don't have a car at all. It's not fair! I'm just as good as he is! Why should HE have such a beautiful car and not me? I want you to give me a sports car even nicer than Marty's."
The genie snapped his fingers, and a deluxe Maserati appeared. The American was delighted.
Next, the genie went to Tokyo, where he saw a sad-looking Japanese man. He asked the
man what he wanted most. The Japanese man said, "My cousin Kenji has a high- paying job with the biggest corporation in Japan, and I can't find a job at all. It's not fair! I'm as good as he is. Why should HE have such a great job and not me? I want you to give me a job even better than Kenji's."
The genie snapped his fingers, and it was done.
Finally, the genie went to Isreal, where he saw a sad-looking Arab. He asked the Arab what he wanted most in life. The Arab answered, "My Arab cousin Abdul has the most beautiful flock of goats you ever saw, while I don't have any goats at all. It's not fair! I'm just as good as he is. Why should HE have such beautiful goats and not me?"
The genie smiled and said, "So, you want a beautiful flock of your own?"
The Arab snarled, "Of course not, you idiot! I want you to kill all of Abdul's goats!"

Really funny short jokes-Awkward age

Mary: Well, I guess I've reached that awkward age.
Jill: What do you mean?
Mary: Too young for Medicare, and too old for men to care!

Adult jokes-Heart attack

On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away Sherlyn went straight round to visit her grandmother. When she asked how her grandpa had died, her granny explained "He had a heart attack during sex on Sunday morning."
Horrified Sherlyn suggested that shagging at the age of 94 was surely asking for trouble.
"Oh no, granny replied, we had sex every Sunday morning, in time with the local church bells, in with the dings and out with the dongs."
She paused, and wiped away a tear. "If it wasn't for that damn fire engine going past, he'd still be alive!"

Really funny jokes-The only woman

Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands. When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset.
"You're running around with other women," she charged.
"You're being unreasonable, " Adam responded. "You're the only woman on earth."
The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest. It was Eve.
"What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded.
"Counting your ribs," said Eve.

Humor jokes-Doberman

A highly timid little man, ventured into a biker bar in the Bronx and clearing his throat asked, "Um, err, which of you gentlemen owns the Doberman tied outside to the parking meter?"
A giant of a man, wearing biker leathers, his body hair growing out through the seams, turned slowly on his stool, looked down at the quivering little man and said, "It's my dog. Why?"
"Well," squeaked the little man, obviously very nervous, "I believe my dog just killed it, sir."
"What?" roared the big man in disbelief. "What in the hell kind of dog do you have?"
"Sir," answered the little man, "it's a little four week old female puppy."
"Bull!" roared the biker, "how could your puppy kill my Doberman?"
"It appears that your dog choked on her, sir."

Really funny jokes-Leads

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Johnny Parisi?"
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And who was the woman you were with?"
"I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Johnny, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now.
Was it Tina Minetti?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Teresa Volpe?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Nina Capelli?"
"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."
"Was it Cathy Piriano?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?"
"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration.

"You're very tight lipped, Johnny Parisi, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone.
You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."
Johnny walks back to his pew, and his friend Nino slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"
"Four months vacation and five good leads!!"

Short humor jokes-Stupid lawyer

Lawyer: "What is your relationship with the plaintiff?"
Witness: "She is my daughter."
Lawyer: "Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?"

Funny adult jokes-Sterile

A man visited the local clinic and filled out a form requesting an operation to make him sterile.
Under the heading for Reason Requesting The Procedure he wrote: My reasons are numerous. After being married for seven years and having had 7 children, I have come to the conclusion that contraceptives are useless.
After getting married, I was advised to use the rhythm method. Despite trying the Tango and the Samba, my wife fell pregnant and I ruptured myself doing the Cha-Cha.
Apart from that, where do you find a band when you get the urge at two o'clock in the morning?
Then, a doctor suggested the safe period.
At the time, we were living with the in-laws and we had to wait 3 weeks for the safe period, when the house was empty.
Needless to say, this didn't work, and the wife got pregnant.
Next a lady of several years' experience said if we made love while breast feeding, we would be all right. Well, I finished up with clear skin, silky hair and was very healthy, but the wife got pregnant yet again.
Another tale we heard was if the wife jumped up and down after intercourse, this would prevent pregnancy. She slipped a disk but still got pregnant again.
When I asked the pharmacist about condoms, he was kind enough to demonstrate them, so I bought a packet. My wife fell pregnant again, which did not surprise me, as I never did believe that stretching one of those things over your thumb could prevent babies.
Our neighbor, a nurse, suggested we try the coil next, but that didn't work. It had a left-hand screw and my wife is definitely a right-hand screw.
Then, the sister-in-law told the wife about the Dutch cap and it seemed to be our answer, but my wife got severe headaches when the only size available was too tight across the forehead.
Eventually, we tried the Pill, but it kept dropping out, so she tried it between her knees and, hell, it worked cuz I couldn't get anywhere near her.
You must appreciate my problems. If I can't have the operation, I will have to resort to oral sex, and I can't believe that just talking about sex is going to be any substitute for the real thing.

Blonde jokes-Eleven

Why couldn't the blonde write the number eleven ....
She didn't know which 1 came first.

Really funny jokes-Honey, fix these please

A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts, "Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now."
He looks at her and says angrily, "Fix the light. Does it look like I have G.E. written on my forehead? I don't think so."
"Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right."
To which he replied, "Fix the fridge door. Does it look like I have Westinghouse written on my forehead? I don't think so".
"Fine," she says, "then could you at least fix the steps to the front door? They're about to break."
"Fix the steps," he says. "Does it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead? I don't think so. I've had enough of you. I'm going to the bar!!!"
So he goes to the bar and drinks for about an hour. He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home and help out. As he walks into the house, he notices the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed.
"Honey, how'd this all get fixed?"
She said, "Well, when you left, I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either screw him or bake him a cake."
He said, "So, what kind of cake did you bake him?"
She said, "Bake a cake. Does it look like I have Sara Lee written on my forehead? I don't think so."

Clean jokes-Plane repairs

After a lengthy delay for plane repairs, the passengers were becoming impatient but quit complaining when the pilot told them:
"Why don't you look at it this way? Wouldn't you rather be down here wishing you were up there than up there wishing you were down here?"

Adult jokes-Hot day

It was a hot day in Minnesota . Helga hung out the wash to dry, put a roast in the oven and then went downtown to pick up some dry cleaning.
'Gootness, it's hotter dan hell today,' she mused to herself as she walked down Main Street , she passed a tavern and thought, 'Vy nodt?'
So she walked in and took a seat at the bar.
The bartender walked up and asked her what she would like to drink.
'Ya know, its zo hot, I tink I'll have myself a cold beer' Helga said
'Anheuser Busch?' the bartender asked.
Helga blushed and replied, 'Vell fine, tanks, und how's yur viener'?

Doctor jokes-Constipation

A construction worker goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, I'm constipated."
The doctor examines him for a minute and then says, "Lean over the table."
The construction worker leans over the table, the doctor whacks him on the ass with a baseball bat, CRACK... and then sends him into the bathroom.
He comes out a few minutes later and says, "Doc, I feel great. What should I do to prevent constipation? "
The doctor says, "Stop wiping with cement bags."

Really funny jokes-Before it starts

A man comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, "Get me a beer before it starts." The wife sighs and gets him a beer.
Fifteen minutes later, he says, "Get me another beer before it starts." She looks cross, but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him. He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, "Quick, get me another beer, it's going to start any minute."
The wife is furious. She yells at him "Is that all you're going to do tonight? Drink beer and sit in front of that TV? You're nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob, and furthermore. .."
The man sighs and says, "It's started...."

Adult humor jokes-Okie guys

Two men from Oklahoma were sitting at a bar, when a young lady nearby began to choke on a hamburger... She gasped and gagged, and one Okie turned to the other and said, "That little gal is havin' a bad time. I'm agonna go over there and help."
He ran over to the young lady, held both sides of her head in his big, Okie hands, and asked, "Kin ya swaller?"
Gasping, she shook her head no.
He asked, "Kin ya breathe?"
Still gasping, she again shook her head no.
With that, he yanked up her skirt, pulled down her panties and licked her on the butt. The young woman was so shocked that she coughed up the piece of hamburger and began to breathe on her own.
The Okie sat back down with his friend and said, "Ya know, it's sure amazin' how that hind-lick maneuver always works."

Humor jokes-Locket

At a jewelry store, a young man bought an expensive locket as a present for his girlfriend.
"Don't you want her name engraved upon it?" asked the jeweler.
The young man thought for a moment, and then, ever the pragmatic, steadfastly replied,
"No, just engrave it: To My One And Only Love. That way, if we break up and she throws it back to me in anger, I can use it again."

Really funny jokes-You're in West Virginia

Two men were driving through West Virginia when they got pulled over by a State Trooper. The cop walked up and tapped on the window with his nightstick.
The driver rolled down the window and WHACK, the cop smacked him in he head with his nightstick.

What the hell was that for?" the driver asked.
"You're in West Virginia, son," the trooper answered. "When we pull you over in West Virginia, you better have your license ready by the time we get to your car."
"I'm sorry, officer," the driver said, "I'm not from around here."
The trooper runs a check on the guy's license--he' s clean and gives the guy his license back.
The trooper then walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window.
The passenger rolls down the window and "WHACK", the trooper smacks him on the head with the nightstick.
"What'd you do that for?" the passenger demands.
"Just making your wish come true," replied the trooper.
"Making WHAT wish come true?" the passenger asked.
"Because I know your type." the trooper says, "Two miles down the road you're gonna turn to your buddy and say, 'I wish that ass**** would've tried that shit with me.

Kids jokes-Marry

One day Lil Johny says to his father: I want to get married.
Father: Oh, so do you have someone special in your mind?
Johny: Yes, Grandma
Father: What? There is a problem now; you want to marry my Mother?
Johny: Why not? You married my mother!

Adult funny jokes-Dentist

A guy and a girl meet at a bar. They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place. A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands. He then takes off his trousers and washes his hands.
The girl has been watching him and says,'You must be a dentist.'
The guy, surprised, says 'Yes....how did you figure that out?
'Easy,' she replied, 'you keep washing your hands.' One thing led to another and they make love.
After they are done, the girl says, 'You must be a good dentist.'
The guy, now with a boosted ego says, 'Sure, I'm a good dentist, how did you figure that out?'
'Didn't feel a thing'

Short humor jokes-No male pallbearers

An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote,
'They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead.'

Really funny jokes-Diagnosis

We were thoroughly confused. While transcribing medical audiotapes, my co-worker came upon the following garbled diagnosis: "This man has pholenfrometry. "
Knowing nothing about that particular condition, she double-checked with the doctor. After listening to the
tape, he shook his head.
"This man," he said, translating for her, "has fallen from a tree."

Clean jokes-Husband & Wife

A man was telling his friends, "When my wife is infuriated, she starts shouting at me, my children and even at our dogs and nobody dares answer her."
One of his friends asked."And when you are angry, what do you do?"
The man replied, "I also shout angrily at the windows and doors of the house and none of them dares to answer back.

Funny adult jokes-Bee sting

A young woman had been taking golf lessons. She had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for help and to complain.
Her golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse and asked, "Why are you back in so early ?"
"I was stung by a bee", she said.
"Where?" he asked.
"Between the first and second hole", she replied.
He nodded knowingly and said, "Then your stance is too wide."

Funny Pictures

Blonde jokes-Water pump

A Blonde called an auto parts store and asked for a 28-ounce water pump.
"What?" asked the confused parts guy.
She said, "My husband says he needs a 28-ounce water pump."
"A 28-ounce water pump? What kind of car does it fit?" asked the parts guy.
"A Datsun," replied the woman.
As the parts guy wrote down her request, a light went on in his head.
"Oh, yes, ma'am. We've got 28-ounce water pumps," he said. "We also have 24-ounce and 26-ounce pumps." "Finally," she said. "You're the first place I've called that knew what I was talking about."
"Yes ma'am," said parts guy, smiling, as he jotted down "Datsun 280Z water pump..."

Really funny jokes-Good trick

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?" The bartender considers it, and then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.
After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, "If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?" The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, which begins to sing along with the rat's music.
While the man is enjoying his free drinks, a stranger confronts him and offers him £100,000 for the bullfrog. "Sorry," the man replies, "he's not for sale." The stranger increases the offer to £250,000 cash up front. "No," he insists, "he's not for sale." The stranger again increases the offer, this time to £500,000 cash. The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money.
"Are you insane?" the bartender demanded. "That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere £500,000!"
"Don't worry about it." the man answered. "The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rat's a ventriloquist.

Humor jokes-Gym

Before setting off on a business trip to Tulsa, I called the hotel where I'd be staying to see if they had a gym.
The hotel operator's sigh had a tinge of exasperation in it.
"We have over 300 guests at this facility," she said. "Does this "Gym" have a last name?"

Adult jokes-Contact

A train hits a bus filled with Catholic school girls and they all perish. They are in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates when St. Peter asks the first girl, "Tiffany, have you ever had any contact with a male organ?"
She giggles and shyly replies, "Well, I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger." Peter says, "Okay, dip the tip of your finger in the Holy Water and pass through the gate."
St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, Jennifer, have you ever had any contact with a male organ? The girl is a little reluctant but replies, "Well, once I fondled and stroked one." St. Peter says, "Okay, dip your whole hand in the Holy Water and pass through the gate. All of a sudden, there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls.
One girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front, St. Peter says, "Reeva, What seems to be the rush?" The girl replies, "If I’m going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Jessica sticks her ass in it."

Really funny jokes-Not the way

A man went to the store with his 3-year-old daughter in tow. Since he was just there to grab some essentials like milk and bread, he opted to save some time by not pushing a cart around the store.
"That's not the way Mommy does it," his daughter informed him.
"I know, dear, but Daddy's way is OK, too," he replied.
Leaving the store in the rain and without a cart, he carried the bag of groceries, his daughter, and the milk quickly to the car. Not wanting to set anything down on the wet ground, he set the jug of milk on top of the car, efficiently whisked open the car door with his now free hand, scooted the groceries in and set his daughter into the car seat in one swift motion. Then he hopped in himself.
"That's not the way Mommy does it," his daughter informed him again.
"Honey, there's more than one way to do things," he replied patiently. "Daddy's way is OK, too."
As they pulled out and headed down the street, he became aware of the scraping sound on the roof as the jug of milk slid down the length of the rooftop, bounced off the trunk of the car and splattered to the ground, sending a froth of white milk in every direction.
In the millisecond he took to process his mistake, his young daughter looked at him, and in a most serious voice said, "That's NOT the way Mommy does it."

Doctor jokes-Operate

Over a round of golf, two doctors were talking shop.
"I operated on Mr. Lee the other day," said the surgeon.
"What for?" asked his colleague.
"About $17,000."
"What did he have?"
"Oh... About $17,000."

Adult humor jokes-Shoe salesman

The middle-aged wife had just returned to the house on Saturday afternoon after a shopping trip. She was quite agitated, and proceeded to tell her husband about a certain shoe salesman who had been rude.
It seems she was sitting down while he helped her try on various shoes, and happened to glance up and notice that she was not wearing any knickers under her dress. Without even thinking, he just blurted out, "If that thing was full of ice cream, I'd eat every bite."
Well, she was understandably insulted, and now wanted to know what her husband was going to do about it.
The husband just sat there, watching football on TV, and grunted.
The wife became hysterical, and insisted on knowing why he didn't go down to the shop and punch the rude salesman right in the nose.
"Well", the husband replied, "There are three reasons I won't punch that guy in the nose.
First of all, you shouldn't have even been shopping for shoes, since you have a whole wardrobe full of them.
Secondly, you have no business going shopping with no knickers on.
But most of all, I'm not going to punch anyone who's big enough to eat that much ice cream!"

Funny short jokes

There is a sign in the toilet of the Sex Change Clinic. It reads "We may never piss this way again."

Really funny jokes-Tractor paid for

A farmer has three sons.
One day, his oldest boy comes to him and pleads with him that he is graduating from school and would really like to get a car.
His father says, "Son, come with me."
He takes him to the barn and points to the farm tractor and says, "That tractor is needed here on the farm and I promise that as soon as it's paid for, we'll get you a car."
The boy was not too happy but he did understand that situation and said, "Okay, Dad."
A week later, his second son (10 years old) approaches him wanting a new two-wheel bicycle. Well, he gets the same excuse. "as soon as that tractor is paid for."
Shortly, a few days later, son number 3, his youngest, comes bugging him for a tricycle.
Again, ol' Dad gives him the lecture about the tractor being paid for first. While leaving the barn, the young boy, more than a little disgusted with the whole thing, sees a rooster mating with one of the hens and promptly goes over and kicks the rooster smooth off the hen's back, mumbling to himself the whole time.
His dad says, "Son, why on earth would you do something like that? He didn't do anything to you to deserve that!"
The little boy looks his Dad right square in the eye and says, "Hey, nobody rides anything around here until that damn tractor is paid for!"

Kids jokes-Late

A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran she prayed, 'Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!'
While she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again! As she ran she once again began to pray, 'Dear Lord, please don't let me be late...But please don't shove me either!'

Adult jokes-Urge

Bill worked in a pickle factory.
He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.
His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
'What's wrong, Bill?' she asked.
'Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?'
'Oh, Bill, you didn't' she exclaimed.
'Yes, I did.' he replied.
'My God, Bill, what happened?'
'I got fired.'
'No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?'
'Oh...she got fired too.'

Funny short jokes-Chase

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

Really funny jokes-National costume

Emma was nearly 10 years old. One day, she comes home from school and says to her father, "Daddy, I need a national costume.
My teacher told all of the class to come to school next Monday wearing our national costumes.
"Oy vay!" he cries. "She's not even ten, already, and she wants a mink coat!"

Blonde jokes-To be a detective

Three Blondes were all applying for the last available position on The Texas Highway Patrol. The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, "So y'all want to be cops, huh?"
The blondes all nodded.
The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a folder.
Sitting back down, he opened it and pulled out a picture, and said, "To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities such as scars and so forth."
So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds. "Now," he said, "did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?"
The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did. He has only one eye!"
The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It's a profile of his face! You're dismissed!"
The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.
The Detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back and said, "What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?"
"Yes! He only has one ear!"
The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, "Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man's face! Of course you can only see one ear!! You're excused too!"
The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.
The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said, "This is probably a waste of time, but..." He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, "All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?"
The blonde said, "I sure did. This man wears contact lenses."
The detective frowned, took another look at the picture and began looking at some of the papers in the folder.
He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, "You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?"
The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "Well, Helloooo! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses."

Adult jokes-Face the music

A man is walking around the streets of the city one day when he spies an old friend of his from college.
"George!" he yells. "I haven't seen you in ages! How have you been?"
"Well," George replies. "I am the Clarinet player for the International Orchestra."
"Spectacular! " the man replies.
"It is not what you might think, my friend. We play for the king of England, he loves the music. He says 'Fill the instruments with gold!' and they fill the Tuba with gold and they fill the Saxophone with gold, and me with the f*****g Clarinet."
"We play for the queen of France. She loves the music; she says 'Fill the instruments with silver!' and they fill the Tuba with silver and they fill the Saxophone with silver, and me with the f*****g Clarinet.
"Then we play for the czar of Russia. He hates the music; he say 'Shove the instruments up their asses!' and the tuba doesn't fit and the Saxophone doesn't fit. And me with the f*****g Clarinet!"

Humor jokes-Chivalry

"Your Honor," a man said in divorce court, "My wife is just being ridiculous. Most women would love to have a husband who still believes in chivalry and I was only opening the car door for her out of chivalry."
"Ordinarily that would be true," replied the judge, "But I don't buy that it was out of chivalry. Apparently, you left out the part where you were driving down the highway at 65 MPH at the time."

Really funny jokes-Furniture Disease

Max went into the doctor's office for his annual checkup, and the Doc asked if there was anything unusual he should know about.
So Max told the Doc that his suit must have shrunk over the last year, because it didn't fit when he went to get ready for a wedding recently.
The Doc said, "Suits don't shrink just sitting in a closet. You probably put on a few pounds."
"That's just it, Doc, I know I haven't gained a single pound since the last time I wore it."
"Well, then," said Doc, "You must have a case of Furniture Disease."
"What in the world is Furniture Disease?" asked Max.
"That's when your chest starts sliding down into your drawers."

Adult jokes-Top 10 Good Things About Having A Stripper As A News Anchor

10. "Finally, a way to get teens interested in current events."
9. "Easy way of fulfilling the station's FCC nudity requirement. "
8. "Top story tonight -- I got a new tattoo."
7. "Impressive to watch her do the news while the sports guy's throwing dollars at her."
6. "Oh geez, I dunno -- Maybe the fact that she's naked!"
5. "Carrying on the proud tradition started by Edward R. Murrow."
4. "Fun to hear anchor say, "To hear more on the Iowa Caucus, meet me in the Champagne Room in 5 minutes."
3. "She covers the five W's of journalism; who, what, when, where and WOW!"
2. "Studies have found that clothing detracts from viewers' ability to process news."
1. Viewers intrigued every time she says, "This just in."

Clean jokes-Religious teachers

A priest, a minister, a rabbi and a moulvi were all sitting at a table, finishing dinner and discussing theology. Suddenly an angel appeared before them.
"I have been sent to grant each of you one wish," he said. "Who will go first?"
The catholic priest stood up.
"I wish for the destruction of all protestants! "
Then the protestant minister bolted up.
"I wish for the destruction of all catholics!"
The rabbi stood up.
"I wish return of the Jews to their native lands, to fill in the gap to be left after all protestants and catholics are gone."
The Moulvi kept seated, so the angel asked, "How about you? What do you wish for, Moulana?"
The moulvi answered, "Well, if you're going to grant their wishes, I'll just settle for another cup of tea."

Really funny jokes-spelling

Little Johnny was in class and the teacher announced that they were going to try something different to help everyone get to know each other a little better, and to help with their spelling. She explained, "I want you to stand up and give us the occupation of your father, spell it, and say one thing he would give us all if he were here today."
The first student raised her hand to volunteer.
"Marcy," the teacher said. "You may go first."
Marcy replied, "My father is a banker. B-A-N-K-E-R and if he was here today, he would give us all a shiny new penny."
The teacher said, "Very nice, Marcy, who wants to go next?"
Kevin stood up and announced, "My father is a baker. B-A-K-E-R and if he was here today, he would give us all a freshly-baked cookie."
"Very good," the teacher told Kevin.
Jeff was next, and he said, "My father is an accountant. A-K, no wait, A-C-K, no..."
Before he could attempt to spell it once more, the teacher cut him off and told him to sit back down and to think about it for a while. When he thought he knew how to spell it, he could stand back up and try again.
Little Johnny raised his hand in excitement hoping to be acknowledged by the teacher.
The teacher called on little Johnny to go next.
Johnny said, "My father is a bookie. B-O-O-K-I-E and if he was here today, he would give us all 20:1 odds Jeff will never be able to spell 'accountant'".

Doctor jokes-Die

"Doctor, are you sure I'm suffering from pneumonia? I've heared once about a doctor treating someone with pneumonia and finally he died of typhus."
"Don't worry, it won't happen to me. If I treat someone with pneumonia he will die of pneumonia."

Funny Adult jokes-Fifty years back

A couple had been married for 50 years.
They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, 'Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.'
'I know,' the old man said. 'We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago.'
'Well,' Granny snickered. 'Let's relive some old times.'
Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
'You know, honey,' the little old lady breathlessly replied, 'My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.'
'I wouldn't be surprised,' replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal."

Short humor jokes

Q: What did one sand pile say to the other sand pile?
A: Whatchya dune?

Q: What did the religious carrot say to the greens?
A: Lettuce pray

Q: What's the most common cause of hearing loss amongst men?
A: Wife saying she wants to talk to him.

Q: What did the ocean say to the shore?
A: Nothing, it just waved.

Q: What do you call a Jewish wife who catches her husband in bed with his secretary?
A: "The Plaintiff."

Really funny jokes-Barking

Chris and Pat are in their residence listening to the neighbor's dog, who has been in the backyard barking for hours and hours. Finally, Chris jumps up and says, 'I've had enough of this!'
Rushing downstairs, Chris finally returns, and Pat says, 'The dog is still barking, what have you been doing?'
Chris says, 'I've put the dog in our backyard, let's see how they like it.'

Animal jokes-Monkey in a Bar

A man walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place. He grabs some olives off the bar and eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them. He then jumps onto the pool table and grabs one of the billiard balls. To everyone's amazement, he sticks it in his mouth, and swallows it whole.
The bartender yells at the man, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
"No, what?" the man asks.
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table! He swallowed it whole!" the bartender says.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the man. "He eats everything in sight. Sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball."
The man finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the billiard ball, picks up his monkey, admonishing him with a "Bad monkey!" and leaves.
Two weeks later the man returns to the bar and, again, has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and, once again, the monkey starts running around the bar. He finds a maraschino cherry on a table, grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. He does the same thing with a peanut.
The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he says.
"No, what?" replies the man.
"He just stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled them out, and ate them!" says the bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the man. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he measures everything first!"