Kids jokes-Tooth fairy

While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. The various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs, unfailingly intrigued her.
One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass.
As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"

Humor jokes-Dinner Party

A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for all the major status figures in Rome, Italy. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any snails for this dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket she was handing him to gather some snails.
Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach. He kept thinking to himself "Wouldn't it be great if she would even just come down and talk to me."
He went back to gathering the snails.
All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over him.
They got to talking, and she invited him back to her place.
They were at her apartment a ways down the beach, and they started messing around. It got so hot and heavy, that he was exhausted afterwards and passed out there.
At seven o'clock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed, "Oh no!!! My wife's dinner party!!!"
He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door. He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment.
He ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails. There were snails all down the stairs. The door opened just then, with a very angry wife standing in the door way wondering where he's been all this time. He looked at the snails all down the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said:
"Come on guys, we're almost there!"

Really funny jokes-The Speech

Albert Einstein was getting bored with making the same speech over and over again at different meetings.
So one night, after a long day, his chauffeur jokingly said
"I've heard your speech so many times, I know it word for word! Why don't you take the night off and let me deliver the talk this evening?"
Einstein agreed.
When they arrived at the venue, Einstein put on the chauffers uniform and hat, and sat at the back of the hall.
The chauffeur took his place on the podium, and effortlessly delivered the speech, and invited the audience to ask questions.
He convincingly answered the first few, but then one pompous man stood up and asked a very difficult question on his theories of relativity.
The chauffeur was flummoxed, but calmly said
"Why, that question is so very easy, I will let my chauffeur answer it!"

Clean jokes-The Big Sale

It was the day of the big sale. Rumors of the sale (and some advertising in the local paper) were the main reason for the long line that formed by 8:30, the store's opening time, in front of the store.
A small man pushed his way to the front of the line, only to be pushed back, amid loud and colourful curse. On the man's second attempt, he was punched square in the jaw, and knocked around a bit, and then thrown at the end of the line again.
As he got up, he said to the person at the end of the line, "That does it! If they hit me one more time, I won't open the store!"

Funny jokes-The mugger

Late one night in the Washington D.C., a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs.
"Give me your money!" he demanded.
Indignant, the affluent man replied, "You can't do this - I'm a US Congressman!"
"In that case," replied the robber, "give me MY money!"

Really funny jokes-Texas Parish

Father O'Malley rose from his bed. It was a fine spring day in his new Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station.
The conversation went like this:
"Good morning. This is Sergeant Flaherty. How might I help you?"
"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St.Brigid's. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn.
Would ye be so kind as to send a couple o' yer lads to take care of the matter?"
Sergeant Flaherty, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, "Well now father, it was always my impression that you people took care of last rites!"
There was dead silence on the line for a long moment.
Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye, that's certainly true, but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin."

Short humor jokes-Way to Post Office

A Priest wanted to go to the post office. He asked a little boy the way. The boy took him to the post office. The Priest said to the boy" Thank you. Come to the Church tomorrow and I will show you the way to heaven. The boy turned andn said
"But you don't even know the way to the post office".

Kids jokes-Bible

A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.
"Mama, look what I found", the boy called out."
"What have you got there, dear?"
With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear!"

Funny jokes-Prize

Bubba and Billy Bob were in a local bar enjoying a beer when they decided to get in on the weekly charity raffle. They bought five tickets each at a dollar a pop.
The following week, when the raffle was drawn each had won a prize. Billy Bob won 1st place, a year's supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce and extra-long spaghetti. Bubba won 6th prize, a toilet brush.
About a week or so had passed when the men met back in the Neighborhood bar for a couple of beers. Bubba asked Billy Bob how he liked his prize, to which Billy Bob replied, "Great, I love spaghetti!"
Billy Bob asked Bubba, "How about you? How's the toilet brush?"
"Not so good," replied Bubba. "I reckon I'm gonna go back to paper."

Really funny jokes-FBI test

For the final test, the FBI agent took the first male applicant to a large, metal door and handed him a gun.The agent said,

“We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her!”
The man said, “You can’t be serious! I could never shoot my wife!”
The agent said, “Then you’re not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.”
The second male applicant was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, “I tried, but I can’t kill my wife.” The agent said, “You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.”
Finally, it was the female applicant’s turn. She was given the same instructions- to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow. “This gun is loaded with blanks” she said. “I had to beat him to death with the chair.”

Humor jokes-Fast watch

A rather confident young man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive young woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No," he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the- art watch and I was testing it."
Intrigued, the woman says, "A state-of-the- art watch? What's so special about it?"
"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.
"What's it telling you now?"
"Well, it says that you're not wearing any panties..."
The woman giggles & replies, "Well it must be broken then, because I am wearing panties!"
The man exclaims, "Damn - this thing must be an hour fast!"

Teacher jokes-Teaching today

After being interviewed by the school administration, the eager teaching prospect said: "Let me see if I've got this right.
"You want me to go into that room with all those kids and fill their every waking moment with a love for learning. And I'm supposed to instill a sense of pride in their ethnicity, modify their disruptive behavior, observe them for signs of abuse and even censor their T-shirt messages and dress habits.
"You want me to wage a war on drugs and sexually transmitted diseases, check their backpacks for weapons of mass destruction, and raise their self-esteem.
"You want me to teach them patriotism, good citizenship, sportsmanship, and fair play, how and where to register to vote, how to balance a checkbook, and how to apply for a job.
"I am to check their heads for lice, maintain a safe environment, recognize signs of antisocial behavior, offer advice, write letters of recommendation for student employment and scholarships, encourage respect for their elders and future employers.
"And I am to communicate regularly with the parents by letter, telephone, newsletter, and report card.
"All of this I am to do with just a piece of chalk, a computer, a few books, a bulletin board, and a big smile AND on a starting salary that qualifies my family for food stamps!
"You want me to do all of this, and you expect me NOT TO PRAY?"

Adult jokes-Unfaithful

After years of marriage, Ole and Lena found themselves in bed one night. Lena leaned over to Ole and said, "Ole, have you ever been unfaithful during all our years of marriage?"
"Not even once!" exclaimed Ole. "Lena, have you ever been unfaithful?"
"Well, er, yes - but only three times," she admitted somewhat embarrassed.
"Hmmm, three times?" questioned Ole. "That's not so bad. Do you remember those three times? Can you tell me when?"
"Well, Ole, do you remember when you wanted to build the store and you had a hard time getting approval from the City Council?" asked Lena. "That was the first time."
"And, do you remember when you wanted to build an addition, but had to get the okay from the building inspector?" she asked. "That was the second time."
"OK, Lena, when was the third time?" queried Ole?
"The third time was " Lena paused. "Do you remember when you were running for President of the Housing Society and you needed 125 votes?"

Funny jokes-The pirate Captain

There once was pirate captain who, whenever it looked like a battle would be imminent would change into a red shirt. After observing this behavior for a few months, one of the crew members asked him what it meant.
"It's in case I get shot. I don't want you crew members to see blood and freak out."
"That's very sensible, sir." At that moment, the crew member spotted eight hostile ships on the horizon. The captain all of a sudden looked very concerned.
"Get my brown pants."

Adult jokes-The pianist

A pianist was hired to play background music for a movie.
When it was completed he asked when and where he could see the picture. The producer sheepishly confessed that it was actually a porno film and it was due out in a month.
A month later, the musician went to a porno theatre to see it. With his collar up and dark glasses on, he took a seat in the back row, next to a couple who also seemed to be in disguise.
The movie was even raunchier than he had feared, featuring group s@x, S/M and even a dog.
After a while, the embarrassed pianist turned to the couple and said, "I'm only here to listen to the music."
"Yeah?" replied the man. "We're only here to see our dog."

Animal jokes-Guide Dog

A blind man was waiting to cross the road when his guide dog peed on his leg. He reached into his pocket and took out a biscuit for the dog.
A passer-by who'd seen everything remarked, "That's very tolerant of you after what he just did."
"Not really," came the reply. "I'm just finding out where his mouth is, so I can kick him in the nuts."

Short humor jokes-Judge & Teacher

Q: How is a judge like an English teacher?
A: They both hand out long sentences.

Humor jokes-Good manners

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:
"Michael, if you were on a date, having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"
Michael said, "Just a minute, I have to go pee."
The teacher responded by saying, "That would be rude and impolite.
"What about you Peter, how would you say it?" Peter said, "I'm sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back."
"That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table."
And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?"
I would say, "Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get introduced to right after the dinner."
The teacher fainted....

Really funny jokes-Temperance sermon

A minister was completing a Temperance sermon.
With great emphasis he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."
With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."
And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."
Sermon complete, he sat down.
The song leader stood very cautiously and announced - with a tiny smile, "For our closing song, Let us sing Hymn #365, 'Shall We Gather at the River'

Kids jokes-cards

Little Bobby had been searching through a stationer's stock of greeting cards for some time when a clerk asked, "Just what is it you're looking for? A birthday greeting, message to a sick friend? An anniversary, or a congratulations to your mom and dad?"
Little Bobby shook his head and answered, "No. Er...got any blank report cards?"

Sardar jokes-Santa in heaven

Santa Singh died and went to heaven. When he got to the pearly gate Saint Peter told him that new rules were in effect due to the advances in education on earth.
In order to gain admittance a prospective heavenly soul must answer two questions:
1. Name two days of the week that begin with "T".
2. How many seconds are there in a year?

Santa thought for a few minutes and answered...
1. The two days of the week that begin with "T" are Today and Tomorrow.
2. There are 12 seconds in a year.

Saint Peter said, "OK, I'll buy the Today and Tomorrow, even though it's not the answer I expected, so your answer is correct.
But how did you get only 12 seconds in a year?"
Santa replied, "Well, January 2nd, February 2nd,March 2nd, etc...."
Saint Peter lets him in without another word"

Humor jokes-Bill Gates in Hell

Satan greets him: "welcome mr. Gates, we've been waiting for you. This will be your home for all eternity. You've been selfish, greedy and a big liar all your life. Now, since you've got me in a good mood, i'll be generous and give you a choice of three places in which you'll be locked up forever.
Satan takes bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are tormented and tortured. He then takes him to a massive coliseum where thousands of people are chased about and devoured by starving lions. Finally, he takes bill to a tiny room in which there is a bottle of the finest wine sitting on a table. To bill's delight, he sees a pc in the corner. Without hesitation, bill says "i'll take this option."
"Fine," says satan, allowing bill to enter the room. Satan locks the room after bill.
As he turns around, he bumps into lucifer. "That was bill gates!" Cried lucifer. "Why did you give him the best place of all!"
"That's what everyone thinks" snickered satan.
"The bottle has a hole in it!"
"What about the pc?"
"It's got windows 95!" Laughed satan.
"And it's missing three keys,"
"Which three?"
"Control, alt and delete."

Really funny jokes-Maths Wiz

The teacher asked little Johnny if he knows his numbers.
"Yes," he said. "I do. My father taught me."
"Good. What comes after three."
"Four," answers the boy.
"What comes after six?"
"Seven."
"Very good," says the teacher. "Your dad did a good job.
What comes after ten?"
"A jack," says the kid.

Funny jokes-System

A loaded mini van pulled in to the only remaining campsite. Four children leaped from the vehicle and began feverishly unloading gear and setting up the tent. The boys rushed to gather firewood, while the girls and their mother set up the camp stove and cooking utensils.
A nearby camper marveled to the youngsters' father, "That, sir, is some display of teamwork."
The father replied, "I have a system; no one goes to the bathroom until the camp is set up.

Funny jokes-Attack on Men!

* Men are like......Bananas.
The older they get, the less firm they are.
* Men are like.....Bank Accounts.
Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.
* Men are like.....Bank Machines.
Once they withdraw they lose interest
* Men are like.....Bike helmets.
Handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just look silly
* Men are like.....Cement.
After getting laid, they take a long time to get hard.
* Men are like.....Chocolate Bars.
Sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your ass.
* Men are like.....Coffee
The best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night long.
* Men are like.....Commercial s.
You can't believe a word they say.
* Men are like.....Computers
Hard to figure out, and never have enough memory.
* Men are like.....High heels.
They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.
* Men are like.....Lawn Mowers.
If you're not pushing one around, then you're riding it.
* Men are like.....Lava lamps.
Fun to look at, but not all that bright.
* Men are like.....Laxatives.
They irritate the shit out of you.
* Men are like.....Mini skirts.
If you're not careful, they'll creep up your legs.
* Men are like.....Noodles.
They're always in hot water, they lack taste, and they need dough.
* Men are like.....Plungers.
They spend most of their lives in a hardware store or the bathroom.
* Men are like.....Popcorn.
They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
* Men are like.....Placemats.
They only show up when there's food on the table.
* Men are like.....Snowstorms .
You never know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get, or how long he will last.
* Men are like.....Used Cars.
Both are easy-to-get, cheap, and unreliable.

Sardar jokes-Santa and Banta

Santa and Banta decide to apply for jobs at a mine that had opened nearby. After sitting in the waiting room for a while, Banta gets called in for his interview.
The boss asks Banta if he had worked underground mines before? Banta says that he had.
The boss asks him how deep under ground he worked?
Banta says, "Oh, about 8 to 10 feet."
The boss says, "Mines are a lot deeper than that, get out of here - you're no miner!"
On his way out, Banta tells Santa to tell the boss that he worked real deep underground so he could get the job. Santa gets called in.
The boss asks Santa if he had worked underground mines before?
Santa says, "Oh sure."
The boss asks how deep underground he worked.
Santa says, "I used to work in a mine 20,000 feet underground. "
The boss says, "20,000 feet, Wow! That is incredible!, "What kind of lights did you use in a mine so deep underground? "
Santa says, "Oh, I didn't need a light, I worked on the day shift!"

Humor jokes-Heaven and Hell

HEAVEN IS WHEN YOU HAVE:
*AN AMERICAN SALARY*
*A BRITISH HOME*
*CHINESE FOOD*
*AN INDIAN WIFE*

HELL IS WHEN YOU HAVE:*
*AN AMERICAN WIFE*
*BRITISH FOOD*
*CHINESE HOME*
*AN INDIAN SALARY

Really funny jokes-Pregnancy Q & A and more!

Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

Funny jokes-God is busy

There was an atheist who enjoyed telling one and all that God does not exist.
One day he was speaking from the stage in a conference in a well reputed college attended by the Chief Guest,other vips and dignatories and the principal,professor s,lecturers, students and parents from every walk of life.
The speaker tried to emphasise in his speach that God does not exist and whatever man has achieved is because of his efforts only.In his concluding remarks he challenged "If God really exists he should be able to kick me in 2 minutes.Then I will believe in his existence",he concluded.
Irritated by the remarks,one healthy guy got up from the audience and proceeded to the stage and requested the atheist to repeat his last sentence at his own risk which the latter promptly responded. The healthy person was a footbal centre forward.He said" I am a football player and play as centre forward for my team.I have won several matches. Do you know how I kick the ball towards the Goal Post?"
Instantaneously, he kicked the atheist forcefully and was thrown out from the stage.The atheist and the entire audience and dignatories in the stage were spellbound. The Chief Guest looked at the watch. The whole episode took place in precisely 2 minutes. The gentleman finally remarked. "God is too busy, so he has deputed me to kick you in just two minutes!"
OH GOD! the atheist shouted at the top of his voice. He was no more an atheist!

Humor jokes-Grandma's boyfriend

A 5 yr old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. While playing with his toys in her bedroom while Grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, Grandma, how come you dont have a boyfriend?
Grandma replied, Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The TV evangelists keep me company and make me feel so good. The comedies make me laugh. I™m really happy with the TV as my boyfriend. Grandma turned on the TV and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she finally started hitting the backside of the TV, hoping to fix the problem.
The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door, and there stood a man.
The man said, Hello, son, is your grandma home?
The little boy replied, Yeah, but she is in the bedroom banging her boyfriend.
Grandma's minister fainted.

Short funny jokes-The neighbor's dog

Paddy and his missus are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbor's dog barking.
It had been barking for hours and hours.
Suddenly, Paddy jumps out of bed and says, "I've had enough of this," and goes downstairs.
Paddy finally comes back up to bed and his wife says, "The dog is still barking. What have you been doing?"
Paddy says, "I've put their dog in our yard - now we'll see how THEY like it!"

Humor jokes-Joggers

A man had been driving all night and by morning was still far from his destination. He decided to stop at the next city he came to and park somewhere quiet so he could get an hour or two of sleep. As luck would have it, the quiet place he chose happened to be on one of the city's major jogging routes.
No sooner had he settled back to snooze when there came a knocking on his window.
He looked out and saw a jogger running in place.
"Yes?"
"Excuse me, sir," the jogger said, "do you have the time?"
The man looked at the car clock and answered, "8:15."
The jogger said thanks and left. The man settled back again and was just dozing off when there was another knock on the
window and another jogger.
"Excuse me, sir, do you have the time?"
"8:25!"
The jogger said thanks and left. Now the man could see other joggers passing by and he knew it was only a matter of time
before another one disturbed him.
To avoid the problem, he got out a pen and paper and put a sign in his window saying, "I do not know the time!"
Once again he settled back to sleep. He was just dozing off when there was another knock on the window.
"Sir? It's 8:45."

Short humor jokes-Learn to iron

Hubby: As a start I think you should learn to "iron," then we could do without the ironing lady.
Wife: Well if you would learn to f**k me properly we could do without the gardener.

Really funny jokes - Farmer's horse

A man was driving into town, and he fell in a big ditch in the middle of the road.
A farmer came up and said, "My horse Sebastian can pull you out," the man said OK and the farmer got Sebastian.
When Sebastian was hooked up, the farmer said, "Pull Ranger! C'mon Benny! Lets go Delilah!!!!"
Then the farmer said, "Pull Sebastian, pull!"
Then the car was out of the ditch, the man said, "I have a question, why did you say the wrong name three times?"
And the farmer said, "Because Sebastian is blind, if he knew other horses weren't pulling, he wouldn't even try..."

Really funny jokes-It Could Have Been Worse

There was an old country sheriff who always said, "It could have been worse." No matter what happened, the old sheriff always had the same answer: "It could have been worse."
One day, two deputies in the Sheriff's Office answered an emergency call at a farmhouse. When they walked in, they found the nude bodies of a man and a woman in the bedroom. They had been shot to death.
When they went to the living room, they found the body of a man with a gun at his side.
"No doubt about it," one deputy said to the other. "This was a double murder and suicide. This guy came home and found his wife in bed with somebody else and shot them both. Then he shot himself."
"You're right," the other deputy replied. "Double murder and suicide. But I'll bet you when the sheriff gets here he's going to say 'it could have been worse."
"No way. How could it be worse? There are three people in the house, and all of them have been shot to death. It couldn't be worse. You're on."
About that time, the old sheriff arrived at the scene. He walked into the bedroom and saw the two nude bodies.
He then walked into the living room and saw the man on the floor with the gun by his side. "No doubt about it," the sheriff said, shaking his head. "It was a double murder and suicide. This guy came home and found his wife in bed with somebody else and shot them both. Then he shot himself."
After hesitating for a moment, the old sheriff looked his deputies squarely in the eyes. "But, you know," he said, "it could have been worse."
The deputy who had lost the bet jumped up and shouted, "Sheriff, how could it have been worse? There are three people in this farmhouse, and all three of them are dead. It couldn't have been worse?!?"
"Yes it could," the sheriff retorted. "You see that guy there on the floor? If he had come home yesterday, that would be me in there in that bed........! "

Animal jokes-The way dogs and cats think

There is a major difference between the way a dog thinks and the way a cat thinks.
A dog says, "You feed me, shelter me, pamper me, and love me. You must be God."
A cat says, "You feed me, shelter me, pamper me, and love me. I must be God."

Humor jokes-Funny Answering Machine Messages

1) The president is not in his/her office at this time. Please leave your number, the name of the country you wish to invade and the secret password.

2) Thanks for calling the psychic hotline. I'm not in my office right now, but leave your number and what you think of when you hear the following: orange, mother, unicorn. Also, leave me a brief history of your child-hood. Thank you.

3) Hi, this is [YOUR NAME]'s refrigerator. The answering machine eloped with the tape deck so this is my job for a while. Leave a message and I'll stick it to myself so that [YOUR NAME] receives it promptly.

4) This is you know who, I'm you know where, leave your you know what, you know when.

5) Hi. Now you say something.

6) This is not the pizza place, so please do not leave an order or Luigi will come after you again.

Kids jokes-The little fireman

One day a fireman was washing his fire engine and conscious of someone behind him turned round to see a little boy with a fireman's outfit on sitting in a little cart he had painted red.
He had a rope tied round a dogs neck and a rope tied round a cats testicles.
The fireman said to the boy that his cart would go faster if he tied the rope that was round the cats testicles round the cats neck.
The little boy thought for a moment and told the fireman the cart would go faster but then he wouldn't have a siren.

Funny jokes-High expectations ! ! !

It was professor smith's first day at st. Johns medical college as a faculty. Known for his teaching excellence, he made his entry into a classroom of 1st year medical students, where he received a warm welcome from the students, followed by their intro. To start with, he planned to put forth a question to the class. He said,
"Well students, before we start off with today's lecture, let me ask you a simple question on human anatomy".
He gazed across the classroom, spotted a female student Suzie, and said,
"Tell me Suzie, which part of the human body grows 10 times its original size when excited?"
Hearing this question, Suzie's face grew pale in embarrassment, she replied:" you should be ashamed to ask such a question to a female. I am sorry, but I can't answer your, this question".
Thwarted by the girl's reply, professor smith rolled on his sight around the classroom afresh, to find out if there was anyone else who could satisfy his query. This time he located a male student Henry, who had already raised his hand in affirmation to answer the question, and allowed the lad to go ahead.
Henry answered: "pupil of a human eye".
The professor applauded for the boy's accurate answer; then turned back to Suzie and said: "look, Suzie, I am sorry but, I must tell you a couple of things:
(1) You lack knowledge
(2) you have a dirty mind and
(3) your expectations are too high!

Humor joke - Mail

A man was in his front garden mowing grass when his attractive blonde female neighbour came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut & stormed back into the house.
A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and again, opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.
As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.
Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"
To which she replied, "There certainly is!"
My stupid computer keeps saying, "YOU'VE GOT MAIL!"

Really funny jokes-The Spoon

A timeless lesson on how consultants can make a difference for an organization. ..
Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange, but I ignored it. However, when the busboy brought our water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket, then I looked around the room and saw that all the staff had
spoons in their pockets.
When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?"
"Well," he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Andersen Consulting,experts in efficiency, in order to revamp all our processes. After several months of statistical analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. This represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel is prepared to deal with that contingency, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."
As luck would have it I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare spoon. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now." I was rather impressed.
I noticed that there was a very thin string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies My curiosity got the better of me and before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"
"Oh, certainly!" he answered, lowering his voice. "Not everyone is as observant as you. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the restroom." "How so?" "See," he continued," by tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out over the urinal without touching it and that way eliminate the need to wash the hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent."
After you get it out, how do you put it back?"
"Well," he whispered, lowering his voice even further, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon."

Short humor jokes-Sense of humor

A wife asked her husband: "What do you like most in me - my pretty face or my sexy body?"
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: "I like your sense of humor."

Detective jokes-following you

"So," Jane asked the detective she had hired. "Did you trail my husband?"
"Yes ma'am. I did. I followed him to a bar, to an out- of-the-way restaurant and then to an apartment."
A big smile crossed Jane's face. "Aha! I've got him!" she said gloating, "Is there any doubt what he was doing?"
"No ma'am." replied the sleuth, "It's pretty clear that he was following you."

Funny jokes-Hooting like Owl!

Each evening bird lover Tom Rowe stood in his backyard in Devon, England, hooting like an owl -- and one night, an owl called back to him.
For a year, the man and his feathered friend hooted back and forth.
Rowe even kept a log of the "conversation. "
Just as Rowe thought he was on the verge of a breakthrough in inter-species communication, his wife had a chat with next door neighbour, Nancy Hollis. "My husband spends his nights... calling out to owls," said Mrs. Rowe.
"That's odd," Mrs. Hollis replied. "So does my John."
Then it dawned on them.

Humor jokes-Cannibal humor

What do cannibals make out of politicians?
Bologna sandwiches.
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What did the cannibal get when he was late for dinner?
The cold shoulder.
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Did you hear about the cannibal who was expelled from school for buttering up his teacher?
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Cannibal's recipe book: How to Serve Your Fellow Man.

Short funny jokes-Original owner

"How was your blind date?" a college student asked her roommate.
"Terrible!" the roommate answered. "He showed! up in his 1932 Rolls Royce."
"Wow! That's a very expensive car. What's so bad about that?"
"He was the original owner."

Humor jokes-Football in Heaven?

Two old guys, Abe and Sol, are sitting on a park bench feeding pigeons and talking about football, like they do every day. Abe turns to Sol and says, "Do you think there's football in heaven?"
Sol thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I dunno. But let's make a deal: if I die first, I'll come back and tell you if there's football in heaven, and if you die first, you do the same."
They shake on it and sadly, a few months later, poor Abe passes on. One day soon afterward, Sol is sitting there feeding the pigeons by himself when he hears a voice whisper,
"Sol... Sol..."
Sol responds, "Abe! Is that you?"
"Yes it is, Sol," whispers Abe's ghost.
Sol, still amazed, asks, "So, is there football in heaven?"
"Well," says Abe, "I've got good news and bad news."
"Gimme the good news first," says Sol.
Abe says, "Well... there is football in heaven."
Sol says, "That's great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that!?"
Abe sighs and whispers, "You're gonna strike a goal this Friday."

Really funny jokes-What is 2 * 2 ?

Several scientists were all posed the following question: "What is 2 * 2 ?"
The engineer whips out his slide rule (so it's old) and shuffles it back and forth, and finally announces "3.99".
The physicist consults his technical references, sets up the problem on his computer, and announces "it lies between 3.98 and 4.02".
The mathematician cogitates for a while, then announces: "I don't know what the answer is, but I can tell you, an answer exists!".
Philosopher smiles: "But what do you mean by 2 * 2 ?"
Logician replies: "Please define 2 * 2 more precisely."
The sociologist: "I don't know, but is was nice talking about it".
Behavioral Ecologist: "A polygamous mating system".
Medical Student : "4"
All others looking astonished : "How did you know?"
Medical Student : "I memorized it."

Short humor jokes-The waiter

Waiter: I've stewed liver, boiled tongue and frog's leg.
Customer: Don't tell me your problems. Give me the menu card.

Teacher jokes-The difference

A teacher was asking her class: "What is the difference between 'unlawful' and 'illegal'?"
Only one hand shot up.
"Ok, answer, Joan" said the teacher.
"'Unlawful' is when u do something the law doesn't allow and 'illegal' is a sick eagle."

Adult jokes-ex wife's husband

A recently-divorced man went to a party and found himself smack in front of his ex-wife's new husband.
Having had more than a few drinks,he said in a condescending tone,"So? How do you like 'second hand merchandise?'"
The other man smiled. "Not bad at all. Everything after the first few inches is brand new!"

Humor jokes-The educated blonde

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting: "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person. Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general and all in the name of humor!"
The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells,
"You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little guy on your knee."

Really funny jokes-Survival weekend

The SAS, the Parachute Regiment and the Police decide tocgo on a survival weekend together to see who comes out on top.
After some basic exercises the trainer tells them that their next objective is to go down into the woods and catch a rabbit for their supper, returning with it ready to skin and cook.

Night falls. First up - the SAS.
They don infrared goggles, drop to the ground and crawl into the woods in formation. Absolute silence for 5 minutes, followed by the unmistakable muffled "phut-phut" of their trademark silenced "double-tap". They emerge with a large rabbit shot cleanly between the eyes. "Excellent!" says the trainer.

Next up - the Para's.
They finish their cans of lager, smear themselves with camouflage cream, fix bayonets and charge down into the woods, screaming at the top of their lungs. For the next hour or so the woods ring with the sound of rifle and machine-gun fire, hand grenades, mortar bombs and blood curdling war cries. Eventually they emerge, carrying the charred remains of a rabbit.
"A bit messy, but you achieved the aim; well done", says the trainer.

Lastly, in go the coppers, walking slowly, hands behind backs, whistling the theme tune from Dixon of Dock Green. For the next few hours, the silence is broken only by the occasional crackle of a walkie-talkie "Sierra Lima Whisky Tango Foxtrot One; suspect headed straight for you..." etc. After what seems an eternity , they emerge escorting a squirrel in handcuffs.
"What do you think you are doing?" asks the incredulous trainer "Take this squirrel back and get me a rabbit like I asked you to do five hours ago!".
So back they go. Minutes pass. Minutes turn to hours. Night drags on and dawn breaks. Finally, the trainer and the other teams are awakened by the police, holding the handcuffed squirrel, now covered in scrapes and bruises, one eye swollen shut.
"Are you taking the micky?!?!" asks the now seriously irate trainer.
The police team leader nudges the squirrel, who squeaks:
"All right, all right. I'm a rabbit!"

Teacher jokes

Teacher: Simon, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did u copy his?
Simon: No, teacher, it's the same dog!

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Teacher: "Where were u born?"
Student: " Singapore , Sir."
Teacher: "Which part?"
Student: "All of me, Sir."

Humor jokes-Dear Diary

DEAR DIARY: DAY ONE
All packed for the cruise ship - all my sexiest dresses and make-up
Really excited.
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DEAR DIARY: DAY TWO
Entire day at sea, beautiful and saw whales and dolphins. Met the Captain today - seems a very nice man
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DEAR DIARY: DAY THREE
In the pool today. Also some shuffle boarding and hit golf balls off the deck. Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner. Felt honorued and had a wonderful time. He is very attractive and attentive.
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DEAR DIARY: DAY FOUR
Won $80 in the ship's casino. Captain asked me to have dinner with him in his own cabin. Had a luxurious meal complete with caviar and champagne. He asked me to stay the night but I declined. Told him I could not be unfaithful to my husband.
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DEAR DIARY: DAY FIVE
Pool again today, got sunburned, went inside to drink at piano bar for rest of day. Captain saw me, bought me several
large drinks. Really is charming. Again asked me to visit his cabin for the night. Again I declined. He told me if I didn't let him have his way with me he would sink the ship. I was shocked.
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DEAR DIARY: DAY SIX
Today I saved 2,300 lives. Twice.

Humor jokes-The wife's role

A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed: " Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please allow her body to switch with mine for a day. Amen.
God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man'swish.
The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman. He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches,
drove them to school, came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to make a deposit, went grocery shopping, then drove home to put away the groceries, paid the bills and balanced the checkbook. He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog.
Then it was already 1 P.M.and he hurried to make the beds,do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor. Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home. Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework, Then set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing.
At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper.
After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed. At 9 P.M. He was exhausted
And, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaint.
The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said, Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day. Please, oh please, let us trade back."
The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied, "My son, I feel you have learned Your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were.
You'll just have to wait nine months, though. You got pregnant last night."

Kids jokes-C level

A boy came home from school with his exam results.
"What did u get?" asked his father.
"My marks are under water," said the boy.
"What do u mean 'under water'?"
"They are all below 'C' (sea) level"

Adult jokes-The brothel

Two Irishmen were sitting at a pub having beer and watching the brothel across the street.
They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel, and one of them said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin' bad."
Then they saw a rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irishman said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see that the Jews are fallin' victim to temptation as well."
Then they see a catholic priest enter the brothel, and one of the Irishmen said, "What a terrible pity...one of the girls must be dying.

Sardar jokes-Who dunnit

The judge read the charges, then asked: Are you the defendant in this case?
No, your honor," replied Banta, "I've got a lawyer to do the defending. I'm the person who done it.

Really funny jokes-Pet names

Bernie was invited to his friend's home for dinner. Morris, the host preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, Love, Darling, Sweetheart, etc.
Bernie looked at Morris and remarked, " That is really nice, after all these years that you have
been married, you keep calling your wife those pet names."
Morris hung his head and whispered, " To tell the truth, I forgot her name three years ago."

Adult jokes-The 11th Husband

A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband to "Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin".
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times.?"

"Well, husband#1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
"Husband # 2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was suppose to function; but he said he'd look into it and get back with me.
"Husband # 3 was from Field Services; he said that everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
"Husband # 4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
"Husband # 5 was an Engineer, he understood the basic process but he wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state of the-art method.
"Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
"Husband # 7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.
"Husband # 8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it.
"Husband # 9 was a Gynecologist; all he did was look at it.
"Husband # 10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was........ God I miss him.
"But now that I've married you, I'm so excited".
"Wonderful", said the husband, "but why?
"Your're with the "GOVERNMENT" ..
This time I KNOW I'M gonna get SCREWED ."

Humor jokes-The savior

A man is! taking a walk in Central park in New York . Suddenly he sees a little girl being attacked by a pit bull dog.
He runs over and starts fighting with the dog. He succeeds in killing the dog and saving the girl's life.
A policeman who was watching the scene walks over and says: "You are a hero, tomorrow you can read it in all the newspapers:
"Brave New Yorker saves the life of little girl".
The man says: "But I am not a New Yorker!"
Oh then it will say in newspapers in the morning:
"Brave American saves life of little girl" the policeman answers.
"But I am not an American!" - says the man. Oh, what are you then?"
The man says: "I am a Pakistani!"
The next day the newspapers say: "Extremist kills innocent American dog"

Affair jokes-Detective services

A jealous husband hired a private detective to check on the movements of his wife. The husband wanted more than a written report; he wanted video of his wife's activities.
A week later, the detective returned with a video. They sat down together to watch it. Although the quality was less than professional, the man saw his wife meeting another man! He saw the two of them laughing in the park. He saw them enjoying themselves at an outdoor cafe. He saw them dancing in a dimly lit nightclub. He saw the man and his wife participate in a dozen activities with utter glee.
"I just can't believe this," the distraught husband said.
The detective said, "What's not to believe? It's right up there on the screen!"
The husband replied, "I can't believe that my wife could be so much fun!"

Funny jokes-Halloween in mental hospital

There was a Halloween costume party at a mental hospital and the theme of the party was war.

The first person comes up onto the stage and says, "I'm an atomic bomb." He gets his applause and steps down.
The second person comes up and says, "I'm a hydro-gen bomb." Again, there's applause and he steps down.
And then a naked little man comes up to the stage and says, "I'm dynamite."
Everybody runs away hysterically. When one of them is asked why, he says, "Didn't you see how small his fuse was?"

Humor jokes-50th Anniversary

A man and woman were recently celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary.
While cutting the cake, the wife was moved after seeing her husband's eyes fill with tears.
The wife took his arm, and looked at him affectionately. "I never knew you were so sentimental. " she whispered.
"No . . . No . . ." he said, choking back his tears, "That's not it at all. Remember when your father found us in the barn and told me to either marry you or spend the next 50 years in jail?"
"Yes," the wife replied. "I remember it like yesterday."
"Well," said the husband, "Today I would have be a free man."

Adult joke - Sex communication

Two deaf people get married and during the first week of
marriage they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom with the lights out since they can't see each other signing, or lips to lip-read.
After several nights of fumbling around and many misunderstandings, the wife figures out a solution.
"Honey, why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast two times."
The husband thinks this is a great idea. He suggests to his wife if she wants to have sex with him, reach over and pull on his penis one time. If she doesn't want to have sex, pull on his penis
two hundred and fifty times.

Short humor jokes-Pregnant

Mom to her notorious girl: Tell me the name of the bastard, who made you pregnant.
Girl: Hey mom, after eating a dozen bananas, can u tell which one made you fat?

Really funny jokes-The Robot

One day Jack's dad bought a robot.
The robot was special in that it could detect a lie and would slap the person who lied on the face.
Jack returned late from school that day and his dad asked him, "Son why are you late from school?".
Jack answered, "Dad we had extra classes today ".
Much to his astonishment the Robot jumped up and slapped Jack on his face.
His dad told him, this robot is special in that he can detect a lie and will then slap the person who lied now come on tell me the truth, " Why are you late?"
"Dad I went for a movie",
"Which movie?"
"The Ten Commandments",
Splatt... Jack got a tight slap on the face from the robot.
"No dad honest I went for the movie Sex Queen."
"Shame on you son when I was your age I never used to do such shameful things."
Splatt, the dad gets a tight slap on the face from the robot.
Hearing all this, Jack's mother comes walking out of the kitchen saying,
"After all he is your son, he will be like you"
The robot steps up and gives a resounding slap on Jack's mothers face.

Humor jokes-Short cut across the cemetery

Two men were walking home after a Halloween party Vand decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs. Right in the middle of the cemetery they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.
"Holy cow, Mister," one of them said after catching his breath, "You scared us half to death -- we thought you were a ghost!
What are you doing working here so late at night?"
"Those fools!" the old man grumbled. "They misspelled my name!"

Really funny jokes-Ghost & Vampire humor

Q: Why do vampires drink blood?
A: Because coffee keeps them awake all day!

Q: Why don't ghosts like to go out in the rain?
A: Because it dampens their spirits!

Q: What do you get if you cross a dwarf with a vampire?
A: Teeth marks on your knees!

Q: What's invisible and very frightened?
A: A ghost with the sheet scared out of him.

Q: How do mummies hide?
A: They wear masking tape.

Short funny jokes

Q: What did one ghost say to the other ghost?
A: Do you believe in people?

Humor jokes-The Lottery

A blonde finds herself in serious trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in dire financial straits. She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help.
She begins to pray... "God, please help me. I've lost m y business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lottery."
Lottery night comes, and somebody else wins.
She again prays... "God, please let me win the lottery! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."
Lottery night comes and she still has no luck.
Once again, she prays... "My God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask You for help, and I've always been a good servant to You.
PLEASE let me win the lottery just this one time so I can get my life back in order."
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open. The blonde is overwhelmed by the Voice of God, Himself....
"Sweetheart, work with Me on this.... Buy a ticket."

Really funny jokes-Marijuana filled Firewood

"Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?"
"Yes. What can I do for you?"
"I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil Smith. He's hidin' marijuana inside his firewood!
Don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs, but he's hidin' it there."
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."

The next day, twelve Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept.
Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana.
They sneer at Virgil and leave.

Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil's house.
"Hey, Virgil! This here's Floyd....Did the Sheriff come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yep!"
"Happy Birthday, buddy!"

Office jokes-Model customer

A factory owner said to a store owner, "Thank you, Mr. Smith, for your patronage. I wish I had twenty customers like you."
"Gosh, it's nice to hear that, but I'm kind of surprised," admitted Smith. "You know that I argue every bill and always pay late."
The factory owner said, "I'd still like twenty customers like you. The problem is, I have two hundred."