A lover's tale

A lover's tale

I skip breakfast in the morning cos all I can think of is U.
I skip lunch in the afternoon cos all I can think of is U.
I skip my meal in the eve cos all I can think of is U.
I do not get sleep in the night cos I am HUNGRY!

Source: www.reallyshortfunnyjokes.net

Whose fun

Lisa told her mother she was going out for her first date with Tom. When she returned home late in the night, her mother asked, "How did it go?" 

Lisa replied, "Well, Tom had a lot of fun."

Source: www.reallyfunnyshortjokes.net

Bubba's daughter

Principal to teacher, "Do you know which one of your students is Bubba's daughter?"

Teacher replies, "Yes sir, she is the one who erases her notebook when I erase the blackboard."

Source: www.reallyshortfunnyjokes.net

Similar clothes

Mrs. Yadav took her 8 kids to the park to play. An old man could not contain his curiosity and asked her, "Why are they all wearing similar clothes of the same colour?"

Mrs. Yadav smiled and replied, "There was a time when we had just 3 kids and I would make them wear similar clothes so that they don't get lost."

"But now", she said, "I make them wear similar clothes so that I don't take home any kid that does not belong to us!'

Source: www.reallyshortfunnyjokes.net

Don't like my cheese

In playschool, my 4 year old son was offered emmentaler cheese. He was not too happy about it and said to the lady serving the snacks, "Miss, I don't want holes in my cheese."

The lady replied, "It's all right honey, just bite around the holes and leave them on your dish."

Source: www.reallyshortfunnyjokes.net

I got fired!

Pablo worked as a labourer at a construction site. One day he came home early from work, so his son asked him why he had returned home before his usual time.

Pablo replied, "I got fired!"

His son asked, "Why?"

Pablo said to his son, "Do you know who a supervisor is? He is the bloke who just fools around all day, watching the other guys work and doing nuthin'."

The son said, "All right, but how is that connected to your getting fired?"

Pablo replied, "The supervisor was envious of me. All of them folks thought I was the supervisor!"


Source: www.reallyshortfunnyjokes.net

In a great hurry

Jim, the salesman was in a rush to reach the Tendon Railway station. He asked the farm-owner, "Sir, can you please let me pass through your field instead of going around it? I need to catch the 3:35 train and I am in a great hurry!"  

The farm owner replied, "Feel free to go. If my bulldog sees you, you might even catch the 3:15 train."

Source: www.reallyshortfunnyjokes.net

Old granny

Alvaro was the salesman at a used car selling outlet. He was worried to see a customer come back with the car he had sold only a day before. Alvaro had told the customer that the car was driven only by an old granny.

Alvaro asked the customer, “Is everything ok?”

The customer replied, “Yeah, just dropped by to return a couple of things that the ‘old granny’ left under the seat – some packs of Marlboros and half a bottle of rum!”

Source: www.reallyshortfunnyjokes.net

Late at work again

Mr. Jones says angrily to his secretary Mary, "You are late at work twice this week! What is the meaning of this?"

Mary replies, "It means it's only Tuesday!"


Source: www.reallyshortfunnyjokes.net

Proud daddy

When Jim came back from school, David could feel something was wrong with his son.

David asked, "How was school? Something wrong?"

Jim replied, "The principal threw me out of school."

David said, "What the hell did you do boy?"

Jim replied, "There is this boy in my class called Pete. He was bragging to me that sticks and stones may break his bones but he ain't afraid of words."

David,"So what?"

Jim said, "So I threw my wordbook at him!"

David exclaimed, "Proud of you, son!"

Source: www.reallyshortfunnyjokes.net

29 Really Funny Jokes Original

1.Runway Train


Mickey had spent a long time in the mental asylum. The doctors were checking his mental health and if deemed fit, he would be allowed to go.

One of the doctors asked, "If you see a train speeding towards you in this passage, what would you do?"

Mickey replied, "I would jump in my copter and fly to safety."

The doc asked further, "And where did you find the copter?"

Mickey replied, "Same place you found that godforsaken train!"


2.I am a dog


Renita goes to see Dr. Mulbury in a state of despair.

"Doctor", says Renita, "There is something terribly wrong with me. I think I am turning into a dog!"

Dr. Mulbury, pretty shocked to hear such a statement, responds, "My dear, I am sure you are suffering from some ailment, but be assured, you cannot turn into a dog."

Renita, far from being assured, goes on, "Look at my teeth, Dr. Mulbury. They are beginning to look like a canine's teeth!"

Dr. Mulbury said, "I can see that. Your teeth do look sharp but that does not mean you are turning into a dog."

Renita, not ready to be dismissed so easily, continues, "Look at all the hair I am getting on my hands and legs!"

Dr. Mulbury, now concerned, replies,"There certainly is some disorder, but you are not turning into a dog."

Renita says, "Look at my tongue, it was never this long!!"

Dr. Mulbury takes a look and says, "Yes, it appears to be long."

Renita adds,"Look at my nails, doc. Have you seen a woman with nails this long and sharp?'

Dr. Mulbury is worried now, and manages to mumble, "Hmm..."

Renita, now going wild, lifts her skirt and says, "I am even developing a tail!"

Dr. Mulbury, visibly shaken, starts scribbling something on a piece of paper.

Renita says, "Are you writing me a prescription? I just hope it helps. I am going crazy!"

Dr. Mulbury says, "Not really. I am writing a letter to my uncle who works at the Mayor's office. Show him this letter and he will give you permission to poop in the streets!"


3.To drink or not to drink


Balbir, the village drunkard, asked his friend Suresh if it was okay to drink alcohol while praying.

Suresh, noticing the temple priest pass by, asked Balbir to pose this question to the priest.

Balbir, a little inebriated, staggered to the temple priest and asked, "Oh Holy man, is it okay for me to drink while I pray?"

The priest, enraged by such a question, replied angrily, "Certainly not!! How could you be so discourteous to your religion?"

Balbir went to Suresh and told him what the priest replied to him.

Suresh said to him, "Your question was not right. Let me give it a try."

Suresh went up to the temple priest and said, "Sire, do you think it is right to pray while I drink?"

The priest smiled and said, "Oh certainly, my good fellow. Sure you can".


4.Air hostess


Philippines airline advertised, "We invite you to experience our warm and motherly treatment."

A passenger commented, "They are so right. It's warm cos the air-conditioning never works. It has to be motherly, all the pursers & hostesses are 50 plus!!"


5.You are what you shop!


Tracy goes to the departmental store to shop for groceries and toiletries. She picks up a packet of skimmed milk, zero-fat yogurt, apples, hair-remover and a deodorant.

She goes to the cash counter and the snooty cashier asks her, "You must be single!"

Tracy is surprised, and asks her, "How did you know? Did you guess that from what I purchased?"

"No," replied the cashier, "You're ugly!"


6.The irresistible offer


Robert, the smart new manager, impresses one and all at his workplace.

One day, his Boss, Mr. Jenkins calls him in his cabin and says, "Robert, I must admit I am mighty impressed with you. I have a proposal for you. If you agree to marry my daughter, I'll make

you a stakeholder in my company, give you a 5 million dollar annual salary plus perks, and the latest S-class of Mercedes Benz."

Robert is perplexed. He says, "Is something wrong with your daughter?"

Mr. Jenkins shows him a photograph of her and Robert shivers at the sight of the ugly girl in the photo.

Mr. Jenkins adds, "Err, she has other problems as well. She is dumb and she stutters."

Robert finally manages to say, "Thanks for the offer but she is not worth it."

Mr. Jenkins persists, "Listen son, I will give you a 10 million and buy you a mansion with a private beach."

Robert simply cannot say no to the irresistible offer, so he accepts thinking he will put a pillow over her head when they make out.

They get married and after a few months, Robert buys an expensive painting. He wants to hang it on the wall, so he says to his wife, "Can you get me a hammer.'

She stutters, "Ham-merr, need a ham-err"

Robert says, Also get some nails."

She stutters, "N-nails, need n-nails."

Robert hammers a nail into the wall when he hits his finger and shouts, "F**k!"

She stutters, "Pil-loww, get a pil-loww!"


7.Intelligent women


Dana: Why do men like intelligent women with a high IQ?

Tara: That's because Opposites attract!


8.Coming up


Sardar Santa Singh worked in a medical store as a cashier and was not too acquainted with facts of medicines. One day, the pharmacist was away on an errand, so Santa Singh had to

take his place. A customer came along and asked for a medicine by it's name.

Since the medicine was not available at the counter, Santa Singh asked the helper boy to get it from the warehouse. The helper boy was taking long to get it, and the customer was

getting impatient.

Seeing the customer getting edgy, and not knowing that the medicine was meant to help get an erection, Santa Singh tried to pacify him by saying, "Here sir, sit down. Yours coming up in

minute."

9.It's a shame


It was Mona's first date and she was mighty excited about it.

Grandma was very worried though, so she decided to have a little chat with her granddaughter.

She said to Mona, "Mona, my dear, you need to know a few things about guys, before you go for your first date. He will try to give you a smooch, and you may feel good about it, but you

need to stop him."

Mona nodded her head.

Grandma went on, "You don't know these young boys. Next he will try to squeeze your melons. You may feel good about it, but you need to stop him."

Mona nodded again.

Grandma continued, "He will also try to rub you in the wrong places, you may feel good about it too, but you need to stop him. But above all this, he may try to climb on top of you and

have his way with you. You may feel good but you certainly need to stop him! It will bring shame to your family"

After the enlightenment, Mona went ahead with her date. When she returned home, she seemed to be very happy.

Grandma wanted to know all about it.

Mona said to her, "Oh Grandma, I did not let Tom bring shame to our family. When he tried to do all those things you said, I climbed on top of him and brought shame to HIS family!!"

10. Diagnosis


The professor of psychology at S.D. College, Mr. Andrews was conducting a class on the topic "Manic depression".

During the lecture, the professor posed a question to the class. He asked, "What diagnosis would you have for a person who paces the floor back & forth, pulls his hair, yells at everyone

in sight and then goes into a shell crying uncontrollably?"

Betty raised her hand to answer, "It would be a football coach, right?"


11.Feeling guilty


Mary goes to a shrink and tells him her concerns.

She says, "Doc, I need help. I have this problem - whenever I date a nice guy, I end up sleeping with him. Later, I carry guilt that lasts for several days and I go into depression."

The shrink says, "Hmmm...from what you just told me, I understand you want me to help you strengthen your will power and resistance."

"Good lord, No!!" exclaimed Mary. "Why on earth would I want that? I want you to help me not feel guilty and depressed later."


12. Who is your wife seeing?


Three friends - Bob, Joe and Mark are having beer at their regular watering hole.

Bob says to his friends, "I found plumbing tools in my wife's wardrobe. I think she is seeing a plumber."

Joe says, "I found a first-aid box in my wife's wardrobe. I think she is seeing a doctor."

Mark adds, "Wait till you hear what I have to say. I found a cowboy hiding in my wife's wardrobe. I think she is seeing a horse!"


13.Measures


Amy came home crying. "Mom, I am going to have a baby", she sobbed.

Her mom, Dorothy, visibly upset, said to her, "You are only 18. Didn't I ask you to take measures??"

Amy replied, "But I did. I measured them all and chose the one who had the biggest."


14.Desert story


Rehman Khan gets lost in the desert. He does not have any food on him and has already licked the last drop of water from his water-bottle two days ago. He is about to give up all hopes

of survival when he hears some sounds from the distance.

He listens hard and what sounds like dogs barking, seems to get nearer and nearer.

Rehman Khan tries to lift himself from the ground to take a look at the source of the sound. He is sure he is hallucinating when suddenly, out of nowhere, an Eskimo in a fur coat appears

on a sled dragged by snow dog.

He rubs his eyes and takes another look. and sure enough, there is an eskimo standing right over him. He calls out to the Eskimo in a broken voice and says, "Help!".

The Eskimo and his snow dogs surround him and Rehman manages to say weakly, "I have no idea how or why you are here, but Allah be praised. I have been roaming in the desert for days

without food and water and I am totally lost."

The Eskimo,wiping the sweat from his forehead, comments, "You think you are lost!!!"


15.Father Jonathan


Sister Nancy announced as soon as she came into the room where Sister Judy and Sister Martha were sewing clothes,"I was doing some dusting work in Father Jonathan's room and guess

what I found. A whole bunch of dirty magazines!"

Sister Judy asked, "What did you do with those magazines?"

Sister Nancy replied, "I tore them up and threw them in the dustbin."

Sister Judy said, "I have something to share too. When I was in Father Jonathan's room to put away the laundry, I found a pack of condoms."

Sister Martha, who was quiet till now, asked, "What did you do with the condoms?"

Sister Judy replied,  "I used a needle to make holes in all of them. Then I put them back where I found them."

Sister Martha fainted.


16. Great or terrible?


David met his old friend Eduardo after a long time.

David: How have you been?

Eduardo: I dated a girl for 4 years. Her name's Veronica.

David: Ok. What about her?

Eduardo: I married her.

David: Oh! That's great!

Eduardo: No, that's terrible! She's ugly!

David: That's terrible!

Eduardo: No, that's great! She is wealthy!

David: That's great!

Eduardo: No, that's terrible! She won't part with a cent!

David: That's terrible!

Eduardo: That's great! She bought a big bungalow for me!

David: That's great!

Eduardo: That's terrible! The house caught fire!

David: That's terrible!

Eduardo: That's great! She was in the house.



17.God's gift


Pastor Graham had a request to make to the congregation. His wife Jany was expecting and he wanted a raise.

So, a meeting was held and it was decided that every time Pastor Graham's family grew, his remuneration would increase.

Years passed by and the good pastor had 7 children. The expense on the pastor's family was becoming a matter of concern for the entire congregation. Three was a lot of discussion on

how the pastor's ever-growing family was putting a hole in the church's purse. Also how much more would it cost in the future.

Pastor Graham interrupted the discussion and said, "Children are the Lord's gift, and we shall have as many as He chooses to give us."

There was a pin-drop silence.

A fiery old woman got up and said, "Rain is also God's gift, but when there is too much of it, we wear rubbers."


18.Round or square?


Sardar Santa Singh's son, Jolly, came home from school and declared, "We had a fantastic Algebra class today."

Santa Singh asked the boy, "Huh, what did you learn?"

Jolly answered proudly, "I know all about Pi R Square now."

Santa Singh reprimanded the boy, "Dont' try to take me for a ride boy. It's a known fact that pies are round!"


19.Cheese


A group of Pakistanis was touring Europe. They were in a bus passing through the countryside in Switzerland, when the tour guide asked the driver to stop at a cheese farm. The guide

wanted to show the tourists how cheese in processed. He pointed out to a herd of goats that was grazing in the hills.

He said to the group, "These goats out there are the older ones who are put to pasture when they can't produce any more."

He want on to ask, "What do you do in Pakistan with your old goats?"

Ali, an old gent said, "We are sent on bus tours!"


20.No kidding!


Peter visited the church and after the sermon was over, went to meet the Preacher.

Peter said to preacher John, "That was a godam*ed fine sermon preacher. It really made my day!"

Preacher John said to Peter, "I am glad you liked it, but you should not use profanities."

Peter said, "I was so moved by the sermon that I donated $3000 to the church."

Preacher John exclaimed, "WTF! Hope you are not kidding me!"

21.Talk about age


Dennis, 75 years of age, is a rich widower who is a regular at the Golf Club.

One evening, he turns up at the Club with a gorgeous 20-something hot girl in his arms. All his friends drool over her and can't stop eying her.

While they were munching snacks, one of his friends whispers to him, "Hey Dennis, that sure is one hell of a girlfriend you got yourself! How did you manage to woo her?"

Dennis replies, "Girlfriend? That's my wife!"

The friend can't believe what he just heard. He probes further, "How on earth did she agree to marry you?"

Dennis replies, "I just lied about my age."

The friend asks, "What did you tell her, you were 50 or 55?"

Dennis chuckles and replies, "Nope. I said I was 85."


22.Who is your well wisher?


Danny: Do you know only a robber is a well wisher.

Sunny: What a weird thing to say? Why so?

Danny: My doc wishes me to fall sick, my lawyer hopes I get on the wrong side of law, the coffin maker wishes that I die. Only a robber will wish that I prosper in life.

23. Exaggerated humor


Katie wanted her boyfriend to meet her parents. So she took Bob home on a Saturday eve.

Katie's father asked Bob, "What is your profession?"

Bob replied, "I am in the restaurant business."

Katie interrupted, "Restaurant business! Bob owns a chain of fast-food stores."

Katie's father asked the next question, "Where do you live Bob?"

Bob replied, "I own a place in town."

Katie interrupted, "A place! Bob owns a luxury duplex in Bay Ridge, Brooklyn.

Katie's father asked, "Where do you see yourself 10 years from now?"

Bob replied, "I am planning some take-overs in the near future."

Katie interrupted, "Take-overs! He is buying out Wendy's!"

At that point, Bob sneezed.

Katie's mother asked, "Have you got a cold?"

Katie screamed, "A cold! My Bob's got pneumonia!"


24.Water in Heaven


Harry died in a road accident and found himself walking down a lonely road. He found his dog, Boozo, walking next to him. Harry remembered Boozo dying many years back, and realized

they were in the afterlife. He wondered where the road would lead to.

They arrived at a glorious big white gate and walked to the man guarding it.

Harry asked the man, "What is this place called?"

The man replied, "This is Heaven."

Harry asked, "Can we have some water to drink?"

The man replied, "Yes, of course. Go straight ahead and take a left. You will find a water cooler there."

Harry gestured towards the dog and asked, "Can Boozo here come in too?"

The man said, "I am sorry but we do not allow pets."

Harry thought for a moment, nodded to the man and turned back toward the road with Boozo in tow.

They walked for a long time, and came across a dirt road which lead to a farm with no gate. A man was relaxing on a chair, his face covered with a straw hat.

Harry approached the man and asked if he could get some water.

The man replied, "Sure, there's a pump in the corner. Help yourself."

"What about  my friend here?", Harry asked, "Can he join me?"

The man replied, "That's no problem, you should find a bowl by the pump."

Harry thanked him and walked upto the pump. He quenched his thirst and also gave Boozo water in the bowl to drink.

When they were ready to go, Harry asked the man, "What is this place?".

The man replied, "This is Heaven".

Harry was confused and asked, "Well I went to another place and they also called themselves Heaven."

The man replied, "Oh, that fancy place with the big white gate? That's hell."

Harry said, "I a sure you are upset with those people using your name."

The man said, "No, in fact we are pleased that they weed out the people who leave their best friends behind."

25.Phantom


Dana and Ted's granddaughter, Alice had come to stay with them for the summer vacations, and they decided to take the kid out for dinner. The pizzeria where they went, had movie

memorabilia plastered on all the walls.

Ted was in the queue to order their pizza, and when he returned, he saw little Alice staring at a poster of Phantom standing in a phone booth. Seeing a puzzled expression on Alice's face,

Ted asked Dana, "Doesn't she know who Phantom is?"

"Worse, "Dana replied, "Alice doesn't even know what a phone booth is!"

26.The old machine


Alex Wagner, a wealthy 82 year old businessman, marries Elie, a 24 year old girl from the country.

A year goes by and Elie delivers a baby. Dr. Johnson comes out of the delivery room and congratulates Alex telling him that his wife gave birth to a healthy baby boy.

The old man says proudly, "The old machine is still up and running!"

A year later, Elie gives birth to another child. Dr. Johnson comes out of the delivery room and congratulates the old man telling him that his wife gave birth to a healthy baby girl. Old Alex

says proudly, "The old machine is still up and running!"

Another year goes by and Elie delivers a third baby. Dr. Johnson again greets and congratulates the old businessman for a son that his wife had delivered again. Alex is elated and

announces once again, "The old
machine is still up and running!"

The good doctor can't take it any more, so he blurts out, "I know, but I suggest you get the oil changed because this one is black!"

27.Jovie's wits


David asks his little son Jovie, "Tell me Jovie, whom do you love more, Mom or Dad?"

Jovie had learnt to be diplomatic at an early age. So he replied, "I love you both the same."

David said, "Son, you need to choose between one of us."

Jovie replied, "My answer is BOTH!"

So, David decides to test him further and asks, "Ok, if I go to London and your mother decides to go to Rome, where will you go?"

Jovie says, "I will go to Rome."

David says to his son, "That means you love your mother more than you love me."

Jovie replies, "No. I want to go to Rome because it is more beautiful than London."

David tests his son again, "Fine, if I go to Rome and your mother goes to London, who will you go with?"

Jovie replies, "I will go to London."

David says, "Why? You just said Rome is better."

Jovie chuckles and says,"But I have just visited Rome, right?

28.Blondie's troubles


Blondie was at Marvin's Door & Windows showroom having an argument with the salesman.

She said, "Just six months back, I converted into a green home by replacing all my windows with those pricey energy efficient ones that you convinced me to take. And now, I receive a

notice from you that I have not paid for the windows!!"

The salesman said, "That's absolutely right, mam."

Blondie said, "Do you think I am stupid? Didn't you claim that the windows would pay for themselves in 6 months."


29.You need proof!


Ronnie goes to his lawyer, Mr. Shark and complains, "My neighbor Bonnie owes me $300 but does not intend to return it. Is there something I can do to recover it?"

Mr. Shark asks Ronnie, "Do you have any proof of the transaction?"

"No", replies Ronnie.

Mr. Shark advises, "Well then, write a mail to Bonnie asking him for the $600 he owes you."

Ronnie says, "But he owes me only $300!"

Mr. Shark replies, "I know. That's what he will write back to you and that will give us the evidence we need."
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Note: These are the original jokes posted on this blog in June 2014, do not copy.

Unparalleled

Tina, whose popularity among the boys was unparalleled, paid a visit to Dr. Paes.

Doctor Paes told her she was pregnant. He then added, "I know you are dating several guys. Do you know who the father is?"

Tina was quick to retort, "If you gulped up a can of Bush's baked beans, would you figure out which bean is responsible for the gas?"

Way to Heaven

Father Reynold was having a conversation with a group of kids about how good behavior could help them go to Heaven. When he had finished, he asked them, "Where does everyone here want to go?"

Little Tina remarked, "Heaven!"

Father Reynold asked, "And what should you be to be able to get there?"

Little Harry replied, "Dead!"

What a career!

Jeremy retired after 38 years of his career. He made USD 10,000,000 which was a result of hard work, being meticulous, proper planning, integrity, dedication, competence, smart investment. And the death of his maternal aunt who left him USD 9,999,999.

A matter of principles

When Robbie returned from school, his grandad asked, "What did they teach you in school today?"

"I don't know" replied Robbie, "but the teacher kept talking about principles. I didn't understand one word."

Grandad said, "That's not difficult to understand. I will tell you what it is. Say, I buy stuff at the supermarket, and the cashier gives me more change by mistake, my predicament would be whether to keep it
for myself or follow my principles and give it to Grandma."

Dorothy's treatment

Dorothy visited a shrink and told him, "Whenever I lie down on the bed, I get this mind-numbing fear that something is below the bed."

The shrink said, "I have treated many phobias but this seems to be a unique case. But do not worry, I will help you get rid of it."

Dorothy said, "Thank you. How many sessions will it take?"

The shrink replied,"Probably 20 to 25. It will cost 75 pounds per session but by the end of it, you would be completely cured."

When Dorothy did not turn up for the first session, the shrink called her. "Why didn't you come?", he asked.

Dorothy replied, "When I informed the cost of the treatment to my husband, he found an immediate solution to save the money. He used a saw to cut the legs of the bed."

Want to marry again

Mary Jane says to her lawyer, "I wanna get married to my ex-husband. How can you help me?"

Her lawyer says, "But Mary, it was only last month that you got divorced. Don't tell me you are in love with him again!"

Mary Jane replied, "Love, my foot! He seems to be very happy after the divorce and I am not able to bear it!!"

My client is not guilty

Donald's wife was missing and everyone including his brother-in-law accused him of murder. The case went to court. The body could not be found and the case was getting complicated.

There were several witnesses who were called to testify. Almost everyone spoke about the constant fights between the couple and the deadly threats that Donald had made.Seeing the case getting weaker & weaker for his client, Donald's lawyer, Simmons declared in the court, "I have an announcement to make. Please draw your attention to the door on the right. The woman who is presumed dead will walk in through that door."

There were whispers in the court and everybody looked towards the door.

After a couple of seconds, lawyer Simmons said again to the Jury, "To tell you the truth, no one will be walking in through the door.However, I observed that all of you turned your eyes towards the door, which proves that you are not completely convinced about my client's guilt."

Despite the stunt, the jury declared Donald guilty.  

Lawyer Simmons tried one last time by saying, "How could you pronounce him guilty? You all turned towards the door, didn't you? I proved it to you, didn't I?"

An old guy replied, "There was one person who did not turn towards the door."

Lawyer Simmons asked, "And who is that?"

The old guy said, "Your client!"

Valentine's Day jokes-Little Neil

Neil was just 3 years old when Valentine's Day came along. Knowing how much his mother Sue loved chocolates, he and his dad Peter gifted here a choco box with the shape of a heart.
Next morning, Neil could not help but eye the choco box hoping that he could get a piece to eat. As he touched one of the pieces, Sue said to him, "If you touch it, you got to eat it."

Neil's eyes lit up and he tapped all the chocos in the box and said, "I will have to eat 'em all now!"

The punk

Dan entered the Metro and immediately attracted attention. His hair was spiked and was dyed pink and blue. His clothes were torn. He was wearing his jeans way below the waist. He had a nose ring and several earrings. There were big feathers attached to a bandana that he was sporting.

Dan took a seat across from an old fella who keeps staring at him for a long time.

Agitated, Dan said, "What are you staring at, you old geezer, did you never do anythin wild in your youth?"

The old guy shot back, "Of course I did. I was on a sales trip to Bangkok and I did it to a parrot once. Looks like you are my son!"

Fussy customer

Mrs. Robbins, known to be extremely fussy, goes to D-Mart to buy some fresh fruits.

She says to the girl behind the counter, "I want three kilos of pears. Kindly wrap each pear separately in plastic.

The girl behind the counter silently fulfills the customer's demand.

The lady then checks some apples and says to the girl behind the counter, "I would also like to take 2 kilos of fresh apples. Please pack each apple separately in plastic."

Irritated, yet composed, the girl behind the counter obliges Mrs. Robbins again.

Mrs. Robbins, pointing her finger towards a basket inquires, "And what is there in that basket over that side?"

"Grapes", says the girl behind the counter, quickly adding, "but those are rotten!"

Girl in Casino

I witnessed this when I was with a friend in a casino in Goa.

This pretty Russian girl entered the casino and headed for the roulette table. She flashed a million dollar smile to the two Goan dealers and bet a million Indian rupees in a single spin.

She then purred in a soft voice, "Hope you guys don't object to this, but I get a high when I am betting and I prefer to play without my clothes." Saying this, she shed all her clothes.

The roulette wheel stopped at 17.

The Russian girl was thrilled and jumped screaming, "I won! God, is this my lucky day?!"

She collected the prize, picked up her clothes, hugged both the dealers and vanished.

The two dealers, still dazed by the event, looked at one another, until one of them asked in a squeaky voice, "Did you see what number she had bet on?"

"No, I didn't", said the other, "I thought you were alert!"

Dennis the Tomcat

Mr. Smith, neighbor to the Martins, found that their tomcat named Dennis was running all around the neighborhood, on footpaths, in dark alleys, on the rooftops. Mr. Smith called Mr. Martin and asked, "Is everything all right with your cat? He has been running around like crazy."

Mr. Martin replied, "Nothing to worry. Dennis has been neutered today, he must be running around cancelling appointments."

NatGeo enthusiasts

Two NatGeo enthusiasts, Gary and Robbie, were exploring the jungles, when a big tiger sprang out of the bushes in front of them.

Gary whispered to Robbie, "Stay calm! Don't move."

Robbie asked Gary if he remembered what they had seen about tigers on NatGeo. Gary replied, "Yes, I do. If you stand still and look the tiger in the eye, he will turn around and go away."

Robbie said, "Yes, I have seen it on NatGeo. You have seen it on NatGeo. But has the tiger seen it on NatGeo?"

Quest for fools

There was a ruler of a dynasty who called upon his deputy. When the deputy arrived, the ruler said to him, "I know there are lot of intelligent people in our kingdom. Similarly, there should also be no dearth of fools."

The deputy answered, "I am sure there would be many, sire."

The ruler then said, "I want you to search the kingdom and find me 5 such fools."

The deputy said he would, and left the ruler's court. The deputy was perplexed with the task of finding fools. He wondered how would he ever manage to catch hold of 5 fools.

The deputy returned to the court after four weeks and presented 2 men before the ruler.

The ruler said, "I think I wanted to see 5 fools. Why have you brought only 2 men?"

The deputy said, "Please let me explain, sire. I searched the length and breadth of the Kingdom. I found this fellow carrying a heavy bag of wheat on his head while he was seated in a mule-driven cart. When I asked him why he had not placed the bag on the cart, he replied that it would add to the mule's burden. I realized I had found the 5th candidate in the list of fools and brought him here."

The ruler said, "Good. What about the next guy?"

The deputy continued, "I found this other fellow feeding sweets to his cow so that it delivers sweet milk. I knew I had found the 4th candidate in the fools' list."

The ruler said, "All right. What about the other two fools?"

The deputy replied, "When there are so many social & economic problems to resolve in this kingdom, I am wasting my time looking for fools in this kingdom. Thereby, I am the 3rd fool."

The ruler laughed and said, "Ok, who is next?"

The deputy replied, "When our enemies are knocking at our doorstep,and instead of attending to security issues and issues related to the welfare of the people of this dynasty, you are looking out for fools, that makes you the 2nd candidate in the list of fools."

The entire court went into silence.

The ruler said, "You are right and I appreciate your courage. Tell me, who is the 1st fool?"

The deputy replied, "Sire, when there is so much work to finish at office and at home, the one who is reading this joke leaving aside everything else is the 1st fool!"

Who wants to go to Heaven?

Father John visited a shady bar in the suburbs.

He met a drunk man and asked him, "Son, do you want to go to Heaven?"

The man replied, "Yeah Father."

Father John said, "Then leave this place now and never come back."

He asked another man who was drinking, "Son, do you want to go to Heaven?"

The man replied, "I do Father."

Father John said, "Then go away from this rotten place and take a pledge never to return."

The Father met Bubba and asked, ""Son, do you want to go to Heaven?"

Bubba replied, "No Father."

Father John, taken aback by the answer, asked, "Do you mean after your death, you have no desire to go to Heaven?"

Bubba laughed and said, "Of course, of course, but only when I die. You appeared to be on the way right now with the group you are forming."

Jet speed

"Wow", said an eagle to another, "Did you notice that speed of that jet plane? Isn't that something?"

The other eagle, clearly unimpressed, said, "Big deal! You would be flying at the same speed if your tail was on fire!"

Karma

A guy had a racehorse named Karma. Karma had never won a race and his owner was pretty mad about it. There was another race coming up and the owner warned Karma,"If you do not win this race today, you will have to pull a milk-wagon from tomorrow morning."

The race begins, and all horses started off with a bang....but wait a minute, there was Karma, fast asleep at the starting point of the track. The furious owner kicked him and asked, "Why the hell are you sleeping??"

Karma replied, rudely awaken from his slumber, replied "Just resting so I can get up at 4 in the morning."

Cruising down the highway

Robbie, the truck driver, was cruising along the highway, when he noticed a small brown guy standing in the middle of the road waving his hand. Robbie stopped the truck and asked the small guy what he wanted.

The small guy said, "I am brown. I am from Pluto and I am hungry."

Robbie shrugged his shoulders and said, "Well, I can offer you my sandwich, little fella and that's about all I can do."

Robbie gave his sandwich to the little guy and drove off. After a little distance, he noticed a small red guy standing in the middle of the road waving his hand. Robbie stopped the truck and asked the small guy what he wanted.

The small guy said, "I am red. I am from Mars and I am thirsty."

Robbie getting a little impatient, said "All I have is a bottle of beer. You can take it, but that's about all I can do for you."

He handed over the beer to the small guy and drove off. He had covered only a few miles when he saw a small blue man in the middle of the road.

Robbie, a little irritated by then, stopped his truck and said to the guy angrily, "Yes, you idiotic blue joker. Which godforsaken planet are you from, and what do you want?"

The little guy replied, "May I see your Driver's license, sir!"

The new employee

The Admin Head of a large organization called for the new employee to see him in his office.

Once the new employee was seated, the Admin Head asked, "What's your name?"

The new employee replied, "Jonathan."

The Admin Head snapped, "Listen, I have no idea what kind of a place you worked at before, but out here, I call everyone here by their surnames. If I start calling people by their first names, they would start taking things lightly. So, its Smith, Williams, Brown - that's it. Now that I have made myself clear, tell me your last name."

The new employee said, "My last name is Honey."

The Admin Head said, "Okay Jonathan, I will arrange for an orientation and then...."

Music joke

Nathan gifted his son Johnny a guitar on his 16th birthday with vouchers for 5 free lessons.

When Johnny returned from his first lesson, Nathan asked him, "How did it go?"

Johnny replied, "I did learn a few notes on the G Major."

In the next week, after the second lesson, Johnny came home and said, "I did learn a few notes on the D string."

After a few days,Johnny came home very late smelling of alcohol and cigarettes.

So Nathan asked him, "What did you learn in today's lesson?"

Johnny replied, "I could not attend today's lesson. I had a gig!"

Drunk driving

Sid and John, totally drunk at the bar, were driving home. Sid yelled, "John! Watch out for the tree. Watch out Johhnnnn!"

Crash!!Boom! Bang!!!

They hit the tree and passed out.

They found themselves in adjacent hospital beds the next morning. Sid said to John, "You are such an idiot. I shouted there was a tree ahead. Why didn't you listen to me???"

John replied, "It was YOU driving!!"

Cab driver

Tom, Peter and Jack were completely sloshed at the bar. When they decided to head home, they all got into a cab. The driver seeing that they were not in their senses, just turned the engine on and then turned it off after some time without moving the cab.

He then announced that they had reached. Tom pulled out some dollars and gave it to the cab driver. Peter just said thanks & got out of the car. Jack, before getting out, slapper the cab driver hard. The cab driver, not expecting to be caught, was taken aback. He asked, "What was that for?"

Jack said, "If I find you drive this rash ever again, I will report you to the police."

Good deed

Fred was at the doors of Heaven. Before allowing him entry, he was asked a number of questions.

One of the questions asked was if he had done any good deeds.

Fred replied, "Yes, of course. I had chanced upon a gang of ruffians who had accosted a young girl. I ordered them to leave her alone but they just laughed. So, I confronted the gang leader and asked him to get lost with his gang. When he would not listen, I gave him a punch right in his face, then another one into his ribs. I kicked him, pulled his hair and announced, "If you care for your life, leave NOW!"

St. Peter was amazed by the courage of the man and asked him, "When did this happen?"

Fred replied, "Just a few minutes back."

Croc scare

Old Mr. Jones living in the countryside, sent his grandson Nick to the riverside to fetch a bucket of water. When Nick dipped the bucket in the water, he saw what appeared to be a crocodile. Terrified, Nick dropped the bucket and ran back to the house. He said to his grandfather, "I cannot get water, Grandpa. There is a big croc in the river. It scared me to death."

Old Mr. Jones said to Nick, "You can ignore that croc, Nick. He's been around for many years now and I have never heard about the old fella hurting anyone. Maybe he is as terrified of you as you are of him."

Nick replied, "Well, if he is as terrified of me as I am of him, then I don't think the water is good to drink."

Airplane design

A small airplane encounters engine failure and begins to nose-dive. The pilot manages to land the aircraft safely on the ocean. He announces that it is an emergency and that all passengers should remain seated. He further declares that the airplane was designed to stay afloat for an hour provided that the doors are not opened. This would give rescue teams enough time to reach out to help them.

A soon as the announcement is over, one of the passengers, Mr. Gupta, runs to open the door. While the passengers look in horror, the pilot yells at Mr. Gupta, "Please do not do that! Didn't you hear what I announced? This airplane won't sink for a while if the door remains closed!"

Mr. Gupta answered, "Ya ya. This plane is also designed to fly, and we all saw how good it was!"

Flea infested

Mrs. Thatcher was seated at the park when she noticed a man take the leash off his dog so that the dog could roam around freely in the park. She said to the man, "Do you mind keeping the pet next to you, mister. I can already feel a flea in my sneakers."

The man called out to his pet, "Buzo, please come here. That lady has fleas."

Flu

Nick, who was unwell for the entire week, called the doctor to visit him at his home.

The doctor arrived and examined Nick. When the doctor was writing his diagnosis & prescription on his notepad, Nick asked him, "Flu?"

The doctor replied, "No, I drove my car."

Fear of flying

Mrs. Coughlan was boarding an airplane for the first time and she was very nervous. She requested to see the pilot and her request was granted. When she met the pilot, she said, "This is my first time. Please assure me you will bring me down safely."

The pilot amused, replied to her, "I can assure you this, madam, that I have never left anyone up there in my entire career."

Cool junior doc

When Tracy went to see the doctor, she had no idea that she would be in for a big surprise. Dr. Jenkins was out, so a junior doctor examined her. Five minutes into the examination hall, and the junior doctor declared that Tracy was pregnant.

She was so shocked, she ran out of the examination hall.

Just then Dr. Jenkins entered the clinic, and saw Tracy in a hysterical condition.

When Tracy told him what happened, he asked her to sit down and relax.

Dr. Jenkins then marched to the examination room and asked the junior doctor, "Are you out of your mind? Don't you know Tracy is 61 years old, she has two grown-up children and several grand-children.Why did you tell her she's pregnant?"

The junior doctor, who was scribbling something on a notepad, continued to write and answered, "She doesn't have hiccups anymore, does she?"

Disneyland

After our hectic 4-day trip to Disneyland in Orlando, we were headed home. As we drove away, my son Neel sighed and said, "Goodbye Donald!"

My daughter Neha waved her hand and said, "Goodbye Daisy!"

I signed and said, "Goodbye dollars!"

Turbulence

A Boeing plane got caught up in turbulence and the passengers were all scared. To keep the passengers calm, the pilot ordered that they all be served beverages.The first passenger said, "I would like a cola".

When the next passenger was asked what she would like, she replied in a shaky voice, "Just give me whatever the pilot is having."

Bartender's dilemma

Daniel, who had lost his arms in a car accident few years back, walked into a bar. He asked Joe the bartender for a glass of beer. When Joe pushed a glass to him, Daniel said, "Listen buddy, I don't have arms. Do you mind holding the glass up to my mouth?"

Joe obliged.

Daniel said after a while, "Can you please pull out my handkerchief from my pocket and wipe my mouth?"

Joe said "Sure" and obliged.

Daniel finished his beer and said, "Do you mind reaching out into my left pocket for the money."

Joe did as told.

Daniel thanked him and said, "You have been very considerate. Can you guide me to the toilet please."

Joe replied, "Ya, you need to get out of the door, take a right, walk 3 blocks, and then turn left. There's one in the store over there."   

Which side of the bar?

Danny, the big wrestler entered a bar and ordered his beer. He sipped from his mug, then loudly announced,  "All you people of the left side of the bar are bl**dy idiots!"

There was silence in the bar. Danny asked again ,"Does anyone have a problem with that?"

He had a few more sips. Then announced again "All you people of the right side of the bar are cowards!"

There was silence in the bar.

He looked around and said, "Does anyone have a problem with that?"

A man got up and walked towards him. Danny looked him in the eye and said, "You got a problem, dude?"

The man replied, "No problem. I'm just going to the right side of the bar."

Old millionaire

Jason, an eighty-eight year old millionaire married a young girl Janie. After a few months, he went to see his doctor and told him that his wife was expecting a baby.

Dr. Smith simply said to him, "I want to share a story with you. A guy who was absent minded went hunting. Instead of his gun, he carried a walking stick to the jungle where he was attacked by a lion. He pointed his walking stick at the lion and shot it, killing it instantly."

"But that's impossible," said old Jason, "Someone else must have shot the lion."

"Exactly my point, " said Dr. Smith.

God's gifts

When I was tucking in my two little children to bed, I said that God had given us eyes so we could see the world. Then I touched my daughter Mary's ears and said that God gave us ears to hear. Touching little Jack's nose, I said that God gifted us nose to smell. Hands to work & eat, and legs to run.

Mary asked, "But Mom, God must have made a mistake with Jack bcoz his nose runs and his feet smell."

Paint job

The Jacksons were getting their house painted. While Mr. Jackson was in office, Mrs. Jackson was supervising the paint job at their home.

Mr. Jackson came home from work and leaned against a freshly pained wall.

The next day, Mrs. Jackson said to the painter, "Let me show you where my husband put his hand last nite."

Painter Joe nodded his head in disgust and said, "Listen lady, I have a whole day of work ahead of me. Do you mind making some coffee for me instead."

The delicious sandwich

There was this group of old ladies who met at a club every weekend to play bridge.

Half way through the game, One lady Elsa exclaimed, "Oh no! I am late. I have to get back home & prepare dinner for my husband, Gilbert. If I do not reach home before he is back from work, all hell will break lose!

When Elsa reached home, she realized there was only a loaf of bread and two eggs in the kitchen. Since there was no time to go to the store to buy stuff, she searched the cupboard and found a can of cat-food. As she could not think of anything else, she made some sandwiches with the egg and the cat-food just as Gilbert entered the door.

She watched in disgust as Gilbert wolfed down the sandwich. Expecting to be reprimanded, she was surprised when Gilbert announced that this was the best sandwich she had ever made for him and that she should make it more often.

So Elsa made her husband the cat-food sandwich every time she went out with the old gals to play bridge. When she told her bridge mates about it, they were shocked! One of them said, "But he could die!"

After three months, Gilbert died.

When the old women met the next time for a game, one of them said to Elsa, "He died because of you. We had warned you against giving him cat-food but you did not listen. How could you be so calm enjoying the game knowing that he died because of you?!"

Elsa replied, "I am not responsible. He fell off a tree trying to catch a sparrow."

The confession

Priest James Asher was retiring and there was a dinner hosted in his honor. Politician Ron Craig who had grown up in that locality was chosen as the chief guest who would make a speech at the occasion. Since the politician was late, Priest James Asher decided to say a few words to the gathering while they waited for the politician to arrive.

Priest James began, "I want to share something with all of you. When I came to this parish for the first time, I had a negative impression after the 1st confession that I heard. The first person who came to the confessional told me that he was a thief. He had stolen gold ornaments from several households, but was able to bribe his way through the police , to avoid being jailed. He had several affairs, visited women in the night, had maimed and killed people. He had even smuggled and traded in drugs. I was so shocked to learn that one person could be involved in so many crimes, that I feared that my time here would not be a comfortable one. But as the days and weeks passed, I learned that people in this parish were not that bad, and I would get to like them."

Just as Priest James Asher finished talking, politician Ron Craig arrived and apologized for being late.

He started his speech by saying, "I remember the first day when Priest James Asher arrived. In fact, I had the privilege of being the first one to enter his confessional."

Memories of an elder sis

Memories of an elder sis

Anyone who has an elder sis will relate to all the below:

- you have been the object of her experiments. She has tried hairstyles, eyeliners, mascara on you

- she has played the teacher and you have been the pupil

- you have been beaten in the pursuit of control of the tv remote

- you have assisted her in experiments in cooking

- she has decided what you are going to be when you grow up

- she made you believe that your parents adopted you

- she has confined you to a room or a bathroom

- if you have been her partner-in-crime, she has taken all the reprimands & bestings for you

- you have felt a sense of security in school with her around

- you can't forget the excitement on you face when someone asked who was elder between the two

- all permissions to be taken from parents was her responsibility  

- you would get sadistic pleasure by irritating her

- she was and will be your bestest friend in the world