Janie's got a gun

When Janie entered the local store selling sports goods, she was greeted by the owner.

The owner said, "How can I help you miss?"

Janie said, "I want to buy a handgun for my husband."

The owner asked, "Did he give you the specifications?"

Janie replied, "You must be joking. He has no idea that I plan to shoot him!"

Bad stomach

Joe was visiting his relatives in DC. He stayed back for a couple of days. one night, he had a drink too many and had also eaten street food. He was not feeling too well the next morning. His stomach was so upset, he felt sick. He rushed to the bathroom several times but they all turned out to be false alarms. When he felt the urge one more time, he decided it was another false one, and did not budge from the bed. The next thing he knew he had dirtied the bed and it was a pathetic sight.

Not knowing what to do and embarrassed by the thought that his relatives will find out that he has splattered the bed sheet with unmentionables, he quickly collected the bed sheet and threw it out of the window.

The soiled sheet landed on a drunk who was passing by underneath the window. the drunk started swearing and screaming hysterically, punching in the air which left the bed sheet in a messy pile.

A passer-by, intrigued by the incident, stopped to ask what was going on.

The drunk replied, "You won't believe it but I just beat the cr*p out of a ghost!"

Curious Betty

Betty was a curious little girl. She asked her mother one day, "Mom, how was I born?"

Her mother, careful with her words, said, "God created you."

Betty asked, "What about you? Did he create you too?"

Her mother replied, "Yes he did, my child."

Betty, not satisfied yet, asked, "What about Dad, grandad, grandma?"

Her mother replied, "Yes sweety, all of them were created by God."

Betty said, "You must be kidding me Mom. Do you really mean no one has made love in the family in the last 100 years? no wonder we are a crazy family!"


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Loud drums

Tom: Why can't King Kong play the drums?

Jerry: That's because he is too sensitive.

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The Maldives experience

Mona was discussing her solo trip to Maldives. He told her friend Jasmine that she had a good time. She went on to describe how awesome the beaches of Maldives were.

Mona had a twinkle in her eye when she declared she had some good and some bad experiences.

Jasmine could not wait to hear it, so she urged Mona to tell her quickly what the experiences were.

Mona said, "Well..the good news is....I shared the room with two amazingly handsome men!"

Jasmine exclaimed, "Really? What could possibly the bad news?"

Mona replied, "They were dating each other."

Roma and Soma

Roma and Soma were centenarian twin sisters living in an old age home in Kolkata, India. A leading newspaper was doing an article on twin sisters above 100 years of age worldwide. Roma and Soma were contacted for an interview and a photography session.

Roma was hard of hearing, so she was a little dependent on Soma.

After the interview, the photographer told them he would be taking some snaps. 

 

Roma asked Soma, "What did he say?"

Soma replied, "He said he would take our pictures."

The photographer then said to them, "Please sit down on the couch."
 
Roma asked Soma, "What did he say?"

Soma replied, "He asked us to sit down on the couch." So they both sat down on the couch.

The photographer then said to them, "Can you both hold hands please."

Roma asked Soma, "What did he say?"

Soma replied, "He asked us to hold hands." So they held hands.

The photographer then said to them, "Please don't move, stay still. I have got to focus."

Roma asked Soma, "What did he say?"

Soma replied, "He said he has got to focus."

Roma's eyes lit up and she said, "Do you mean - both of us??"

Gloves with money

Old Gerald was happy for his granddaughter Betty who was getting married. During the ceremony, he slipped a 1000 dollars into her hands and said she could use it when she felt cranky and wanted to splurge. Betty kissed her grandpa and slid the money in her right glove.

Owing to family tradition, Betty and her groom Peter spent their first night in the family mansion. Late in the night, Betty's grandma saw her sneaking out of her bedroom and heading towards another room. She called out to Betty amnd asked, "Where are you going this late?"

Betty replied, "Oh, I left my gloves in another room and I must have them now."

"God help girls of today", Grandma said, "Young woman, you go back to your room right now and grasp that thing with your bare hands same way I did your grandpa's."

A flute for Dustin

Dustin had taken leave from his services in the army to get married. No sooner was the wedding over, Dustin got a call from the army directing him to to resume his duties with immediate effect. He was informed that he was stationed in Vietnam.for 2 years. 

After he reached Vietnam, he really started to miss his wife. He sent a mail to her. It read, "Sweetheart, it seems like I am going to be here for a long time. I miss you terribly. You know the local girls here are quite attractive and its so hard to fight the temptation. I guess I will have to take up some hobby to keep my mind from wandering."

Lisa, his bride wrote back to him, "Sweetheart, I have couriered a parcel to you. It will solve your problem."

When Dustin received the parcel, he found a flute inside with a note 'You should learn to play this.'

Finally, the two years came to an end, and Dustin got to go back home. He rushed to his wife, and picking her up in his arms, said, "Oh God! How much I missed you. I want you so much...let's go to bed."

"Wait a minute", said Lisa, "Lets hear you play the flute first."

Missing mule

Nathan lived in the country and wanted to go to town to find some work.

So one fine day, he headed for town riding his mule. When he reached, Nathan went to an eatery to catch some grub, tying his mule outside. When he came out, he found his mule was missing! He searched for his beloved mule all day but it had just vanished. He stayed in the town for a couple of days looking for his missing friend, but could not find him.

Disappointed and demoralized, he decided to return to his village. He boarded a train to go back.

He was lying down on his berth, when he could hear a couple groping and fidgeting on the berth above him. They were kissing and feeling each other. The guy said to his girlfriend in a very romantic tone, "I can see the whole wide world in your beautiful eyes."

Nathan jumped and said, "If you see the whole would, please help me find my mule!"

Won't lie to a dying man

Peter Jones was lying on his deathbed. His family was there next to him - his wife Paula and his three sons. While two of his sons, Patrick and Pedro were handsome and well-built, the third son, Jeremy, was extremely ugly.

Peter says to his wife in a weak voice, "Paula dear, there is something that I always wanted to ask you. I can't go in peace unless I know. Is Jeremy really my son? Please tell me the truth. I will forgive you if you tell me the truth."

Paula strokes his hair gently and answers, "Yes, Jeremy is your son. I swear by God that you are his father. I would not lie to a dying man."

Peter, satisfied, by the answer, dies in peace.

Paula mutters, "What a relief he didn't ask about Patrick and Pedro."

The problems with old age

Desmond, Gary and Michael - all gentlemen of age 80 plus are enjoying each others company in a park in Washington DC.

Desmond brings up the subject of life at their age, and says, "It's a wretched life. I am at an age where I can afford exotic food. You all know what a foodie I am. But the doctor will allow me only boiled vegetables."

Gary has his own tale of woes. He says, "I sure agree with Desmond. When I come to a point in my life where I can afford the best wines, what do I have? A bad liver. It sucks."

Michael joins the cribbing club and says, "I know the feeling folks. Last night, I woke up the missus at 3 am and asked if she would like to do it. She yelled at me asking me if I was in my senses cos we had just finished doing it for the 2nd time last night."

There was a pause, and then Desmond asked, "So, what is the problem?"

Michael replied, "Can't you see guys? I am losing my memory!"

Cherrapunji

Janco, a tourist from China visited Cherrapunji in India. Janco was unaware of the fact that Cherrapunji is one of the wettest places on earth. It was raining the day Janco arrived. It rained the next day and the day after that. She was there for almost a week and there was not a day without rain.

Sipping a cup of hot tea at a local joint, she saw a kid and asked him, "Hello, does it ever stop raining in this town?"

The little fellow replied, "How would I know? I am only 5."

Fear of Freddie

Freddie and Mary were married for many years but all they did was fight. They would not agree on anything and would quarrel day in and day out. In fact, the neighbours had all become tired of this constant bickering and fighting. One thing they often heard during these arguments was the man's hiss-like warning saying, "When I am dead, I am going to dig up and walk out of my grave to give you nightmares all your life."

The neighbours thought Freddie practiced voodoo. There were strange happenings in the small town like strays getting hurt, and they thought Freddie was responsible.

One night, Freddie suddenly died under mysterious circumstances. After the funeral, Mary headed for the local pub and had the time of her life.

She partied every night and would come home very late.

Some of her neighbours asked her, "Aren't you tensed about what Freddie used to repeatedly tell you. With all the voodoo practice he indulged in, and his threat that he would dig up and walk out of his grave to stalk you, aren't you scared?"

Mary replied, "Let him dig all he wants. I buried the joker upside down."

The village fools

Gerald and Tony were the village fools who were made fun of all the time.

They were riding together on their bicycles, when Gerald stopped abruptly, got off his bicycle and began to let air out of the tyres.

Tony said to him, "What the hell are you doing?"

Gerald replied, "I wanted my seat to be low as I have to stretch too much while pedaling."

Tony could not stand such display of stupidity. He got off his bicycle, loosened his seat and turned it in the opposite direction.

Now, it was Gerald who was surprised. He asked, "And what are you doing?"

Tony replied, "Listen buddy, if you will continue doing such idiotic things, I am going back home."