Engine trouble

Kingfisher Airlines was operating it's flight from Bombay to Goa. The passengers were all looking forward to their holiday in Goa when suddenly there was an announcement in the plane.

"There is a technical fault in one of the engines of the plane. This will cause a delay of 20 minutes in landing."

There was some commotion among the passengers and then everyone settled down.

A little later, there was another announcement.

"The first engine has failed and the second engine has also developed a fault.There will be a delay of another 60 minutes."
Passengers voice their concerns and then they settle down again.

A third announcement follows.

"Two engines failed. Third engine developed fault. Too much pressure on the last engine. Delay of another 2 hours"
An old lady, who was looking forward to the beaches of Goa and not too happy with the situation, said loudly "I hope the fourth engine remains intact. I don't want to spend the rest of the night up here."

What is the Pope like?

Matteo and Antonio were cobblers in a small village near Sicily.

They were doing fine in their business. Matteo had been wanting to see the Pope for a long time, so one day he packed his bags and left for Rome.

Matteo returned after 2 weeks. Antonio could not wait to meet him and learn everything about his trip. So he rushed to Matteo's home and asked him, "Tell me Matteo, what is the Pope like?"

Matteo replied, "Size 38."

Bait

Tom was 70 and Diana was 65, when they decided to go on a cruise in the Carribean. They were having a conversation at the deck, when a giant wave came up and took away Diana with it.

They arranged to send divers down the sea to find her but she could not be traced. After days of unsuccessful attempts to trace her, they sent Tom home promising him that they will continue their search and will notify him if there is any news.

After about 15 days, Tom got a call from the Captain. He said, "I am sorry, I have bad news sir. We found her body at the bottom of the sea and when we pulled her up on the deck, there was an oyster stuck to her bums. We opened it and found a big pearl inside. We estimate its value to be half a million. What do you want us to do?"

Tom replied, "Courier me the pearl. Use DHL. And send her back in as bait."

How good is your son

Josie ran into her old friend Diana in a shopping mall.

After the usual pleasantries, Josie asked Diana, "Hasn't your son graduated in Commerce?"

Diana replied, "Yes, he has."

Josie asked, "So what does he do now?"

Diana replied, "He has joined a mens clothing store as a salesman."

Josie said, "A salesman? Is he good at his job?"

Diana smiled and said, "You ask if he is good. Let me tell you he is just too good! Why, the other day an old lady came to his store to purchase a suit to bury her dead husband in. Can you believe it, my son convinced her to buy an extra shirt for him!"

Santa's presence of mind

Santa Singh was returning home after a hard day of work. It was late in the night and the streets were deserted. Suddenly, an armed man came out from behind the bushes and pointing his gun at Santa, said in a harsh tone, "Give me your wallet."

Santa handing his wallet said to the perpetrator, "You can take my money but please use your gun to put a hole in my turban, or else Jassi, my wife, will never believe I was robbed."

The mugger agreed and shot through Santa's turban.

Santa had another request and giving his jacket to the perpetrator, said, "Can you pump a few bullets into my jacket to make it look like I put up a good fight, or else my wife Jassi will get the chance to call me a coward."

The mugger agreed and shot a number of bullets through Santa's jacket.

Santa was ready with another request. He said, "One more thing. Can you..."

The perpetrator interrupted him and said, "Listen, I am out of bullets. There's nothing more I can do for you."

"Good", replied Santa, pulling up his sleeves to show his muscular arms, "Now, give me back my wallet and hand me your wallet to cover for my turban & jacket that you messed up. Or else I will beat the pulp out of you!"

Founder's day

This has to be one of the best jokes I have heard.

It was the founder's day at the Asian Heart institute, a reputed hospital specializing in heart diseases.

Dr. Robert Smith had been invited to be the chief guest and to deliver a speech on healthy living. During his speech, Dr Smith said, "The things that we eat can end our lives. Aerated drinks corrode our bodies, red meat is dangerous for the heart, Chinese food is full of sodium, our drinking water has bacteria, high fat foods have dangerous impacts over a period of time. However, there is one food that we have all relished and which can cause the highest level of damage. Can anyone seated here tell me what is that food which can cause anguish and misery for years after eating it.

There was silence in the audience, till the time a very old gentleman slowly raised his hand and replied, "Wedding cake."

Stingy old money lender

Rahat Khan, a stingy old money-lender in rural India, was on his death bed. So great was his love for money that he wanted to take all of it to his afterlife. So Rahat Khan instructed his wife to collect 5 grand from the bank and put it in 2 large leather cases. The next instruction to her was to place the leather bags in the attic
just above his bed so that when he started for his final destination, he would grab the bags while proceeding to Heaven.

Rahat Khan died and his wife led a lonely life. After a few months, when she went to the attic to clean, she found the two bags stuffed with money. She said to herself, "That foolish husband of mine, he should have asked me to place the bags in the basement!"

Tailors will be tailors

Jason Willis thought he had grown too fat for his trousers so he took them to the tailor to have them altered. He was sent on an overseas job the very next day and for the next 4 years, he was posted at his organization's branch in Delhi, India.

When he returned to Melbourne after a good 4 years and what seemed to him an eternity, he discovered the tailor's receipt in his wardrobe drawer. He remembered the trousers he had given to be altered to size 34, so he headed straight for the tailor's shop. Luckily the shop was still there.

Jason gave the receipt to the tailor and said, "Are my trousers ready?"

The tailor, without looking at him, replied, "Yes sir, it will be ready next Friday."

Overweight girl

Adam went to Tito's bar in Goa and saw an overweight girl dancing on a table.

Adam commented, "Nice legs!"

The overweight girl smiled at him and said, "Yeah? You really think so?"

Adam said sarcastically, "Yeah! I mean it. Most other tables would have crashed by now!"

a worthy reply

Rita : Darling, I need $500 for shopping.

Harry (a little upset): You need brains more than money.

Rita (retorting): I can only ask you for something that you have!

Mahabharata woes

Gandhari: “Putra Duryodhan, is yuddh ki samapti ke paschat mujhe Ganga snan ke liye le jana.”

Duryodhan: “Avashya mate, kintu ek samasya hai. Producer ne budget main Ganga snan pass nahin kiya.”

Boys will be boys

Roger was taking a walk with the priest when he said he wanted to share something. The priest asked him to go on and Roger said, "It's about my son. I deal in clothes and I asked him to join my business. Last week, I caught him kissing one of the models."

The priest tried to console him, "It okay Roger. Why are you making such a big deal out of it? Boys will be boys."

Roger replied, "I deal in men's clothes."

Where do I live?

I had a Maths teacher, Mr. Vikram,  who was well known for being absent minded. He would keep forgetting things and was often made fun of.

It so happened that he moved to a new home in the next block, and fearing he would forget where he lived, his wife jotted down the new address on a piece of paper and gave it to him when he was ready to leave for school. She reminded him to check the note on the way back from school, so he does not end up going to the old address.

Well, Mr. Vikram had a busy day teaching at school and also, had a meeting with the Principal regarding disciplinary measures and new rules to be introduced. He took notes on the back of the piece of paper his wife had given him, and then handed it over to his assistant for follow up forgetting that his new address was on the other side of the piece of paper.

When he started for home, he didn't remember the new home, as expected, and reached his old residence. When he found the door locked, he remembered the new home and started looking in his pocket for the slip of paper. Not finding it, he started wandering the streets looking for his new home, when he came across a young girl.

He stopped her and asked, "Excuse me, my name is Prof Vikram and I teach Maths. Would you, by any chance, know where I live?"

"Certainly yes, daddy," said the girl.

How did it happen?

Dean and Martin were sitting in a bar nursing their respective poisons. Dean appeared to be depressed. Martin asked the reason.

Dean said, “Sometimes I really don’t understand how my wife and I ended up getting married.”

Martin said, “Huh, what’s bothering you?”

Dean went on, “My wife swore to God she would never marry me when I was drunk and I would never even dream of marrying her when I was sober.”