Story of a village boy

Arnold, who had just finished high school in the countryside, was very excited about the prospect of going to college.

He went to his father and asked, "Papa, will you send me to college?"

The old farmer replied, "Listen son, I will decide whether to send you to college the day you can tell what's what."

"Till that time", the farmer added, "You can work on the farm and I will pay you for it."

Arnold agreed and toiled on his dad's farm for a year. After that, he approached his father again asking to be sent to college.

The old farmer said, "Do you know what's what? I told you I will send you to college the day you answer me."

Disappointed, Arnold headed for the local bar. There he met a pretty young girl and they developed an instant liking towards each other. When they left the bar, she invited him to her place. After talking for some time, she said she was going into the bedroom and that he should follow after 5 minutes for a surprise.

He waited for 5 minutes and went to her bedroom. He was taken aback by the sight of her wearing nothing but a thin chain around her waist.

Arnold, pointing to the chain, asked her, "What's that?"

The pretty young thing answered, "What's what?"

"Don't ask me that", said Arnold, "If I had the answer to that question, I would be in college."

In jail

With my 2 year old son on the loose at home, I always feel I am in jail. You will want to know why.

I'll tell you why. My day begins with someone yelling at me to wake up. It's like someone is always keeping an eye on what I am doing. I can't have a shower without fearing something bad is going to happen to me. I can't sleep without the fear that a scoundrel will crawl into my bed at night. I feel eyes fixed on my back when I going to the bathroom. Alcohol and adult movies need to be smuggled in to be enjoyed in complete secrecy. The fear of being attacked by anything that comes in the hands of the perpetrator.


Ain't it like being in jail?

Draw a picture

Dean was dealing in furniture, especially antique furniture. And to acquire old pieces of furniture, he had to travel regularly to other cities.

On one such visit, after the day’s work, he was sitting in a bar nursing a drink, when a cute girl, probably French, walked in. The bar was crowded but there was a vacant seat next to Dean. The girl walked over and occupied the chair.

Out of common courtesy, Dean offered her a drink but she did not understand English. So Dean took a paper napkin and made a rough sketch of glass with whisky and looked at the girl lifting his eye brows questioningly. She immediately understood and nodded her consent. After a couple of rounds of drinks, Dean took another napkin and drew a picture of a man and a woman dancing and she immediately got up to dance. They had a few more drinks after that and of course, dinner.

The girl, now happy and more than satisfied, took a napkin and drew a picture of a big double bed. To this day Dean has not been able to understand how she knew he was in the furniture business.

Call to wife

Sam called his wife and said to her in a weak voice, "Hey baby, I was driving to a coffee shop to meet Mary when all of a sudden, a stray dog came in the way. I tried to steer left to avoid running it down, but the car skidded due to high speed, rolled over and almost ran off the cliff. The car was hanging nose down over the cliff, as I looked down fearing impending death. I just managed to climb out of the car and save my life, just before the car fell over the cliff crashing thousands of feet below and was blown into smithereens."

Sam continued, "I was taken to a hospital. I have a broken leg, broken jaw, dislocated shoulder and several injuries on my head."

There was silence on the phone, then the wife asked, "Who is Mary?"

Do not touch!

Desmond, known to be notorious, is having a drink at his favourite watering hole.

Having had a drink too many, he feels the need to go to the urinal. Fearing that someone in the cheap joint will drink his rum, he puts a label on his glass, marked "I licked the glass and spat in it. DO NOT TOUCH!"

When he returns from the urinal, there is another label on his glass marked "ME TOO!"

The trouble with me

Mark was quite tensed when he went to see a shrink.

Mark said slowly to Dr. Lowe, "I..I am in love with my cat."

Dr. Lowe said in a sweet voice, "That's ok Mark. Several people in the world are fond of animals. In fact, I have a dog who I cannot do without."

Mark, looking embarrassed, said to the shrink, "It's different. I feel myself...err...physically drawn to my cat."

Dr. Lowe looks at Mark and says, "Is your cat a 'he or a 'she'?

Mark, looking offended says, "Its a female cat, doc. Do I look gay to you??"

Don't get sarcastic with me

Christopher popped the question to Lydia, his girlfriend of 4 years. "Will you marry me?"

The next thing you know is that they are married and on the way to Venice for their honeymoon.

When they are back home, Christopher gets back to normal life. One fine morning, he is cleaning his golf club and looking forward to join his buddies at the golf course, when Lydia comes to him and says, "Chris, we are married now and I think you should give up sports like golfing as it is such a waste of time!"

Christopher can't believe what he just heard, and gives her a look of disbelief.

Lydia says, Huh, did i say something wrong?"

Christopher says, "For a second, I thought that was my ex-wife talking."

Now its Lydia's turn to be shocked and she yells, "Ex wife! You never told you had married before!"

Christopher replies, "I hadn't!"

Runaway train

Mickey had spent a long time in the mental asylum. The doctors were checking his mental health and if deemed fit, he would be allowed to go.

One of the doctors asked, "If you see a train speeding towards you in this passage, what would you do?"

Mickey replied, "I would jump in my copter and fly to safety."

The doc asked further, "And where did you find the copter?"

Mickey replied, "Same place you found that godforsaken train!"

I am a dog

Renita goes to see Dr. Mulbury in a state of despair.

"Doctor", says Renita, "There is something terribly wrong with me. I think I am turning into a dog!"

Dr. Mulbury, pretty shocked to hear such a statement, responds, "My dear, I am sure you are suffering from some ailment, but be assured, you cannot turn into a dog."

Renita, far from being assured, goes on, "Look at my teeth, Dr. Mulbury. They are beginning to look like a canine's teeth!"

Dr. Mulbury said, "I can see that. Your teeth do look sharp but that does not mean you are turning into a dog."

Renita, not ready to be dismissed so easily, continues, "Look at all the hair I am getting on my hands and legs!"

Dr. Mulbury, now concerned, replies,"There certainly is some disorder, but you are not turning into a dog."

Renita says, "Look at my tongue, it was never this long!!"

Dr. Mulbury takes a look and says, "Yes, it appears to be long."

Renita adds,"Look at my nails, doc. Have you seen a woman with nails this long and sharp?'

Dr. Mulbury is worried now, and manages to mumble, "Hmm..."

Renita, now going wild, lifts her skirt and says, "I am even developing a tail!"

Dr. Mulbury, visibly shaken, starts scribbling something on a piece of paper.

Renita says, "Are you writing me a prescription? I just hope it helps. I am going crazy!"

Dr. Mulbury says, "Not really. I am writing a letter to my uncle who works at the Mayor's office. Show him this letter and he will give you permission to poop in the streets!"