Encounter with a Vampire

Bubba tells us a story about his encounter with a Vampire late one night. The Vampire wanted to smoke and asked Bubba for a light. When Bubba obliged, the vampire seems to have told him, "Fang you very much."

Little Johnny jokes-Bicycle ride

Little Johnny was riding his bicycle on the pavement when he hit an old woman and knocked her down. Initially shaken, she regained her composure and got up. Visibly upset, she turned to Little Johnny and yelled, 'Don't you know how to ride a bicycle?'

'I do,' Little Johnny answered, 'but I haven't learned how to ring the bell yet.'

Class discipline

Bernie, who was a school teacher by profession, injured his spine in an accident and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. He wore a cotton shirt over it and it was not evident at all.

As the new term began, he was assigned to a senior class with the rowdiest students in school.

Walking confidently into the classroom, with the cast still under his shirt, Bernie opened the window wide and then got busy with some desk work. There was a strong breeze that made his tie flap, so Bernie simply picked up the desk stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.

The whole class of trouble-makers went silent.
Bernie had no problems with discipline in that term.

Market Analysts

Joe: What is the role of Market Analysts?

Harry: They are professionals who will know tomorrow why the things they predicted yesterday didn't happen today!

Adult jokes-Medical condition

Bob, a young guy of 22, walks into a pharmacy run by two old spinsters. He is suffering from a medical condition in which his erection refuses to go back to its flaccid state.

One of the old spinsters who is at the counter, asks him what he wants. Bob describes his condition and asks her what she can give him for it. She says she has to consult her partner in the stockroom.

She disappears into the stock room and returns after a few minutes. She smiles and says, "Our offer is $5,000 and this store."

Inquisitive

Q. Why are mountain climbers inquisitive?

A. They always want to take another peak.

Really funny jokes-Two toddlers

Julian is carrying two toddlers, one in each arm, while waiting for a bus. An old woman who finds the babies very cute, asks him, "They are so adorable, what are their names?"

Julian replies dryly, "I don't know."

The old woman persists, "Are they boys or girls?"

Julian is now angry and replies, "No idea."

The old woman then starts to reprimand Julian, "You have no idea? What kind of a father are you?".

Julian replies, "Excuse me ma'am, I am not their father, I just happen to be a contraceptives salesman carrying these 2 complaints back to my company."

Hilarious nasties

Laurel to Hardy: Do you know your brain is a masterpiece.

Hardy: You really think so? Thanks.

Laurel: Yeah, in the left half, nothing is right, and in the right, nothing is left.

Economics exam

Sam, an American student, had not prepared for his Economics exam and was not expecting to do too well.

Sam read the first question: In any given year, and to the nearest ton, how much wheat does the United States export?

Regaining some of his confidence, Sam wrote, "In 1492, none."

Magic trick

PC Sorkar, the Indian magician can perform some amazing tricks. He once swallowed a white rabbit and pulled a brown hare out of his butt.

Pastor's blessings

Jack, a tourist from London goes to a Scottish horse race event and witnesses a pastor blessing one of the horses. To Jack’s astonishment, the horse wins. Not just that, the next 3 horses whom the pastor blesses also win. Then he finds the priest blessing a fifth horse and puts a good deal of money on it.

Unfortunately, the horse suffers from a stroke during the race and dies. Jack meets the pastor later and tells him what a disaster his bet had turned out to be. He also questions why the pastor's blessings had not worked on the fifth horse.

The pastor questions him, ‘Are you a Protestant?’.

‘Yes, I am,’ replies Jack.

‘Well then,’ says the pastor. ‘You’ll not be knowing the difference between a blessing and the last rites.’

What happens when Twitter is down?

What happens when Twitter is down?

Becky calls Kathy and speaks to answering machine:
Hey Kathy, Twitter is down this morning, when you get this message please call me, I can't wait to know what you had for breakfast! Thanks.

Office jokes-Bragging

Redmond moved to London from Ireland to pursue a career in logistics. He was always bragging to his English colleagues about how great Ireland was. One co-worker, annoyed by such boasting, finally said, "Well, if Ireland's so wonderful, how come you didn't stay there?"

"Well," explained Redmond, "they're all so brilliant out there I had to come down here to have any chance of making it at all."

Supermarket trolley

Tom: Do you know the difference between Britney Spears and a supermarket trolley?

Harry : What?

Tom: A supermarket trolley has a mind of its own.